05-22-24: had me one of them sleep-studies last night, looking forward to reading the report... it wasn't a great sleep either, not sure what time i woke up to pee, but i was stimulated enough by the time i laid back down that i don't know if i ever achieved any sleep-state... i don't feel like i did, but the nurse-lady/technician (Elizabeth/Beth) said that she got enough data by 05:30 to call it a wrap... a shitty night's sleep is common, maybe three nights per week/avg, but when those nights are back-to-back i turn into a different person, lucky to bring my C or D-game to life, D to F seems more typical, capable of a few house-hold chores and cook up some dinner... this sort of inconsistency in my performance is what led to a bunch of job issues, emotional stress issues, physical health issues... this is the second night of similar sleep in a row, one more and i'm not going to operate heavy machinery (driving a car) until things correct a bit, and i learn to sleep like a regular/normal person. The biggest effects are poor cognition, increased ADD-like drifting thoughts, poor concentration, low ability to process information beyond small-talk, and i can get pretty fvcking moody with the full-blown typical INTJ 'cut to the chase, knock off the chatter, i don't care whose feelings get hurt, do what you're supposed to do'... those qualities are good for some environments, but not for home-life, not for family... it's the inconsistency of my performance, and un-dependability to show up on time that don't make me a great candidate for anything... i need problems to solve, something interesting to keep me stimulated, and maybe some plants, and people to nurture, otherwise i'm like a retired dude trying to find new meaning and purpose under different circumstances... i'm also supposed to be some kind of minister/pastor/whatever, but that's a bit scary, and i'm still sort of running from that calling... the new church is fine and all, but they have a focus on music aspect of worship, and fellowship, not growing leaders/pastors, and they aren't even a part of a denomination, so there doesn't seem to be a means of credentialing, so i probably won't pursue anything through them, i might just do some online credentialing... i'm happy being lazy about the process, to be very frank, i'm a big fearful pvssy when it comes to serving God, or working on His behalf somehow, you can think of me as Jonah, you know, the prophet that didn't want to do what he was supposed to do, so a frickin whale had to take action... i identify with that country song that goes 'God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy'... i'm fine with crazy people to a degree, so long as they know they are crazy, it's the crazy ones that don't know they are crazy that are hard... until you listen/observe, and learn from them... that's usually how it seems to go... i wonder if a college would give me credit toward counseling/therapy for all of the years i did customer and technical support... i had a shit-ton of patients back in those days... The swears that i use bother a bunch of people, it makes them uncomfortable, i get it, but i'd rather talk like most people that i interact with, and what's more natural given my background and experiences, but that will be a problem with some churchy-folks, where we expect everyone to use a very controlled vocabulary, and not just be themselves... i love the concept of helping rough folks assimilate to be judged as 'a normal person', but i'm fine with the principle of inclusion until my limits on judging other people's behavior comes to it's end... so i talk with people inside, and mostly outside of the church who swear as emphasis, i don't use swears as cursing much, unless i'm commuting for work or an appointment, i could fill a swear-jar; that's what i'm used to, and that's also how i communicate sometimes, i'm also a bit of a comedian at heart, so the swearing for emphasis leads to that form of communicating... anyways, here i am making more excuses as to why i can't do any official Christian church pastorship... i'm pretty sure folks would want to lynch/stone me the second i let go of filters and speak harsh realities... in the Myers-Briggs test you would say that i'm an INTJ personality-type (general thought-processes/patterns), in the Christian church spiritual gifts test thing that one of the local pastors sent me a link to, said that i'm a leader, prophet, apostle sort of person... i'd just say that i'm a weird introverted dude, that presents several traits associated with Asberger's, and too much stimuli/pollution, and not enough seep or alone-time and i'm no good, but i'm reality-centric, and have followed Christianity for a few decades now. When i'm not over-stressing myself, and getting some purposeful meditation in then i'm usually not riled-up, and pretty accommodating and friendly to most folks, and can tolerate most others... and, lastly, here's the joke of the day... so i show up for the sleep study at the hospital, and the frickin door's locked, they won't let me in... i call the hospital on the cell phone, and they patch me through to security who tells me how to get in... i finally get in and they tell me that i'm unconditoned, balding, old, ugly, and stupid... so i'm like, you people are awesome, you're making me feel right at home for this stupid test -- ct