...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i'm not a professional anything, so there will be ignorance written below, but i trust that the reader can discern the baby from the bathwater, i do hope to stimulate your noggin enough to do some of your own research using your own critical-reasoning... i write for my own health, and to my offspring/kids, and to anyone else that cares to read. --  ct

01-31-23: just writing to write right now... i don't know the simple fundamental pillars of physics, but what-ever the crap the principle is that exercising, repetition, regularly exercising your entire body/mind/soul the 'better you get', you know the one, right? i'm not in a searching type mood to read up on the one that i'm trying to say/state, but even if you don't feel like writing, or if life pulls you in ways that you can't prioritize expressing and articulating yourself... if you can write down your thoughts and passions without having to make a point, or argue a case, or attempting to trigger a response, and just write for the exercise of processing information and writing it somehow, and trying to be as fluid as possible, and sometimes not attempting  any real objective, well, this whole blog is really just a writing and a therapeutic exercise of expressing a few frustrations and things that my kids may want to get an idea about their dad when they get older, you know, a family history sort of thing... and right now, i'm not writing to express much of anything, it's just an exercise/repetition/practice to try to get better at writing, and staying real and in the moment, and transparent... writing is just expressing (creatively or straight to the point) ideas and perceptions/perspetives and things that you understand and misunderstand, the things that trigger any sort of passion within your soul... anyhow, i've nothing to really write about, so i'm just doing it for the sake of doing it, because you usually don't get better at anything if sit on your ass and don't exercise, i think that's how that particular law of physics goes... so earlier today i spent some time at the local VA hospital, for some lab requests and O/T, i did the fasting thing starting around 18:00 last night, just some tea and coffee with no sweetener or dairy (boring-ass cup of coffee), was home by noon, had some cheese and crackers and i think the blood-sugar is good-to-go now... looking forward to lab reports and various 'levels' of certain things that i've got going on these days... also have some MRIs this weekend, looking forward to results of some regular hot-spots, already know about the torn (labrum sp?) in the hip, just wondering if it's worse, or if anything else is going on in there that needs attention, it goes a bit out of place from time to time and it's hard to get it back in place, and that might meant that the sides on the tear are facing resistance on the surrounding tendons and muscles and it's not really going out of place, just facing a bit of resistance in certain motions, it clicks a bit from time to time and does not rotate smoothly, and then the surrounding muscles seem to strain pretty regularly, a literal 'pain in my ass'... the shoulder was separated back when i was about twenty, but the 'road-rash' skin took all the attention to prevent infection and scaring, and after the shoulder was in a sling for a month or two, the medical pros forgot to help strengthen the rotator-cuff and surrounding muscles--no P/T-- anyways, i really enjoyed exercising and playing some sports when i was younger (tennis grew to be my favorite way of exercising), and i learned how to cope with the injury and the loose shoulder, even how to use the weird mobility to my advantage sometimes, it could use injury to my advantage sometimes, but i'd 'pay for it' with pain for weeks or months afterwards... so i don't know, but the P/T exercises prescribed a couple of months ago actually hurt when doing them, it's not like a good exercising type of resistance, so it was agree that i should stop doing them and wait to see what the MRI results are... and the wrist, well, something popped one time years ago when shaking the excess water from a gas-station window squeegee, it hurt for a few weeks, but it seemed to feel better when i braced and iced and nursed it for a few more months... and then i tried to play golf with a great guy named Tony one sunny day in rockingham county, by the about the fifth or sixth hole my wrist was not happy with playing golf anymore (your forward pointing wrist unloads the energy that you stored-up in the rest of your swing), i think i one-handed a wedge and my putter for the rest of our round--Tony had the patience of a saint- but i never got it looked-at by pros., but i was able to get by for a bit with limited pain, but it's been giving me consistent grief for a few years now... so those 'newer' injuries plus the knee that i had a VA service-connected disability since 1991 or 1992, it's becoming a bit more stiff since i've been using it more when nursing the hip on the opposing side... so feeling a bit old and grumpy in learning how to function with less ability and chronic pain, the pain usually isn't too terrible, but the NSAIDS aren't great pain-management tools for the long-haul, learning about natural anti-inflammatory sources now, i don't like being stuck on laboratory-created compounds to manage/lessen pain... i should have been a better advocate for myself in my youth instead of trying to grow but with chronic-injury... my 'lesson learned the hard way' if a 'little tweak' lasts more then a couple of months you can't just keep 'rubbing dirt on it' and expect to keep doing things that you were capable of pre-injury, you might have to make life-style changes, and they aren't always easy to go through, there might be a narrow line between stubbornness and insanity, and where they fit-in with reality... so... like i said, looking forward to getting results back from some tests... i'm sure they will give me reason to complain about something no matter what the results suggest... OK i'm done complaining for now, and i'm pretty sure that my blood-pressure didn't spike, so i'm doing well with stress-management today... there are plenty of policy and political disasters that i could comment and complain about, some days i do so, today i can't be concerned with conniving idiots that cannibalize our species and resources, some of those folks stand for logical and moral conviction and don't compromise to the strings-attached 'perks' of their jobs, but today i couldn't give them attention, today i'm enjoying a bit of tranquility amongst the noise, and writing for the enjoyment and exercise of writing, not because i have anything to really say, just practicing how to say things when i really need to say them... so, OK i'm done practicing/exercising... now i'm thinking about dinner, the protein has been marinading for about 24 hours, and we've got a starch and some greens to go with it... it ought to be good, it's hard to screw-up those ingredients... peace, and God bless... BTW, you can kiss january good-bye, it's life cycle is near a close, does if hibernate for eleven months, or is it re-born into a new phase/life... whatever it is that happens with previous months its about to happen to january, eight hours and counting downward, i have loved-ones that were born on february, so looking forward to it, and celebrating their births with cake and stuff -- ct

01-30-23:  not much left of january, thankfully it hasn't been a treacherous one, we had few really cold days, a few rounds of heavy snow, but there were much worse januaries that i can recall... hopefully february will be on the mild-side too, and without much snow... this could be our last january in new england, if plans go as hoped, the mid-west trough has it's share of cold winds as well, so it's not like we are getting away from cold, but less snow would be nice/appreciated... getting labs done tomorrow, i'll have an early supper and then start the required fasting, the draw isn't 'till eleven, so the fast will be plenty for their needs/lipids/sugar, etc...
... OK, fasting had begun, it's legit, hopefully i don't wake up tomorrow on auto-pilot and add a teaspoon of sugar and some half/half to my java, honestly, what difference does it make, i have high cholesterol and diabetes on the paternal side, if my genes are predisposed to certain conditions then all i can do is try to control my input, and not exasperate problems that i inherited, but i'm not going to become fanatical over everything that i consume, i could get hit by a steam-roller tomorrow morning and it's lights-out for me... joking asside, tonight was cool, my youngest daughter received some academic award, and an accompanying  piece of paper, makes me think that three kids wort of scholastic awards are closing, so embracing the last of these ceremonies... come to think of it, if i remember things correctly, i got something similar my senior year of high school, it was the 'congradu-fvcking-lations for not being in jail yet, good riddance, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, and good fvcking luck to ya' achievement award, with distinction to boot... anyways, proud of my kid's, and their achievements and priorities, and glad that they didn't put me through the crap that i put me Mum through... got a bit sentimental tonight, it will be the last of these ceremonies that we attend, honors with distinction (3.8 gpa or above), she made conscientious efforts to understand her assignments, and get them done on time, so she deserves the pin, paper, and kudos that comes with her effort... atta girl Sarah, job well done

01-29-23:  i appreciate the 'thank you' to let me know that my effort was appreciated, i don't require validation, but occasional acknowledgement is appreciated... you are most welcome Sierra, glad to help :-) ... i'm appreciating the mid-forties weather today, it was warm enough to change the windows/locks switch in the wife's car, warm enough that i could feel my fingers, not warm enough to go for a swim, but at least my digits were functional... nice sunday, pretty relaxing without too much demands, chores, and responsibilities, the kind of day that you'd like most days to feel, so i got a few chores and responsibilities done, helped a neighbor, enjoyed some reading, and now it's time for a warm shower and reflect on some of the things that bounced around my noggin during my meditation and nap yesterday, they were pretty significant and cannot be wasted, dismissed, or forgotten, just have to spend some time processing them... there were straight-up God moments, something about inner-strength because his spirit dwells within, to draw from the spirit and source/resource that is within... anyhow, our vessel's are much more than chemistry and biology, they contain so much more, but i'm sure you already know that... anyways, time for a shower and some reflection..  -- ct

01-28-23:  took a nap this afternoon, and had some great relaxation, i went into some sort of peaceful mind-space for a bit, i was able to manipulate some vertebrate into place, same with the shoulder... back is pretty sore now, but i'm up much more straight, and shoulder doesn't feel as awkward as it was the past couple of days... today was pretty chill/calm, just had a dump-run to make, otherwise chipping away at things in the home... got the 1911 assembled and dis-assembled a few times and i still don't know why the grip safety isn't working, the trigger safety does... i'm thinking that one or two of the parts were modified to be that way, i'm not a 1911 enthusiast, and haven't messed with them very much, trained/qualified with them back in the Army days, and then a Navy guy that took me to his club a few times had me try his about ten years ago, but folks that compete do some modifications, or buy specialty parts to lessen certain friction/resistance, it doesn't seem like anything is really worn or broken, so i think the grip-safety was purposely disengaged/by-passed, it feels and behaves great otherwise, looks like i'll be shopping for some replacement parts soon, once i figure-out what is preventing the assumed safety to not function... trial by fire for the 1911 (that's usually how i learn), that's why i appreciate glocks the best, i'm more familiar with them, very simple and forgiving, but still got to love the 5 inch 1911, i got the rubber-feeling grips years ago that i never installed, they are on now, and feel great... some new sights and a grip-safety (i think), and she'll be range-ready

01-26-23:  here's a decent and quick read... seems like it can be easier to forgive others, or to exhibit compassion/empathy toward them, but to do the same for myself, well that's much more difficult... i've been far too easily persuaded and given much too much attention to the negative criticism than the positive, and sometimes i've misconstrued the positive for negative... dunning-kruger  findings also come into play, i think that i'm 'too smart' to have made such 'stupid mistakes' and bad decisions, or, forfeited my own intelligence and reasoning by assuming that the critics were smarter than me so they know better... but being my own worse critic has been my M.O. far too long, receiving grace and forgiveness is every bit important as extending it to loved-ones and the new testament 'neighbor'... we learn from other people's mistake as well as our own, mistakes and poor judgement are part of everyone's lives and enable a self-governing/maturing necessity which free-will and personal evolution requires... anyways, i appreciated the article, as someone who deals with embedded moral-grief (sometimes worse than others), this is the sort of thing that biblical-types call 'receiving forgiveness', but sometimes i need to hear the concept written by the psychologist types to help re-enforce the principle...
 ... on an unrelated topic, both Robert Malone and Chris Langan posted some awesome essays on their substacks today, they read a bit longer then the self-compassion essay that i started with, but every bit as important.  --  ct

01-26-23 later:  not that i should have to, but i feel a bit obligated to make a distinction/clarification... sometimes i use the word 'retarded' as a perfectly legitimate way of describing various types of impairment... i don't utilize derogatory implications for those with natural or accidental/trauma induced and noticeably below-average cognitive function, genetics and TBIs happen... in fact, many of those folks are the most admirably honest, sincere, loving, and transparent people that i've had the pleasure to spend time with, i'd rather spend time with them than some highly functioning yet egotistical self-serving morally decrepit folks that i've had the misfortune of spending time with... but when i speak about folks that make the decision to retard themselves by chemical and ethanol means then it should be an obvious distinction of the literal use of the word 'retard'... i've spent years retarding myself by means of alcohol, drugs, commercial television, self-pleasing priorities, and probably other things too, so i use the word with full understanding of it's meaning, and many of it's causes... with that said, hold your idiotic judgements/opinions to your own ego and the voices that tickle your ears... good day.  --  ct

01-26-23 more later:  getting ready to bed-down for the night, thinking about the past few days, the stress that i put on my body, and the chronic pain, today's pain wasn't terrible, most of my major muscles feel like they had a good work-out now, not like i can't move them, just a bit stiff,shoveling the heavy snow wasn't a good time, but most of my muscles appreciated it... my regular problem spots aren't happy with me, but not screaming for attention like some days, the shoulder feels slightly out of place (very slightly), and sore, but not terrible, the hip also feels a bit out of place, like i could wiggle it back in place if i really tried... the wrist feels weak, and sore, but not terrible, the back always feels a bit out of place, but today i've been able to manipulate it to a reasonably comfortable place... the cold weather and exercise didn't kick-up the asthma bad, still have the annoying cough thing going on, but it's not terrible... the shoveling kicked my ass for a day or two, but i'd say that my body recovered well... it probably sounds all boring to the reader, but this is sort of my diary, so you know, i have to remind myself of these things, because the doctors will be asking me, and i typically answer them based on how i feel at the moment that they ask, not how i've been... the mega foundation's CTMU teleological wellness program has been reinforcing the concept of not ignoring the things that our bodies are telling us, and frankly i've subscribed to the 'just rub dirt on it and drive on' mentality, as well as the 'take two aspirin and call me in the morning' philosophy, since i have more extra time on my hands these days i might as well quit ignoring the cellular warning signals and do something about them other than making laboratory created compounds one of my food groups--after-all, they aren't very tasty... OK, it's all noted for tonight, time to read and bed down.  --  ct

01-25-23:  poking the hornet nest over on facey-book this morning, if you are scared of firearms you might be mildly offended, if you are a paranoid idiot you might be triggered into a panic attack... there, you were warned :-)  Everyone in America that can pass a background check should arm them selves... even if you avoid high-crime geographies, even if have locks on your doors and windows, predators exist almost everywhere, and people get into alcohol and chemical induced psychosis everywhere... some people eat healthy and exercise regularly to prolong their lives, and other people protect themselves and others with firearms to prolong their lives... don't lose your lunch over good guys/gals with guns, the politicians that are conjuring-up gun-fear are protected by good guys/gals with guns, and many of those politicians own guns themselves... don't be taken for a fool by politicians that are obvious hypocrites, to vote for those folks is to be a paradox/hypocrite your self.  --  ct

01-25-23 later: nice day today, but more snow is expected in rockingham county, sure, it's pretty and all, but man am i growing to hate that stuff... when i was young and strong and didn't have asthma i think i enjoyed it, but now that i have to move it i detest it, especially the dense kind, it kicks my ass, and my shoulder, and my wrist, and my back... you know the deal, unless you live close to the equator, but then--i suppose--you have the heat to deal with... the earth is a decent place, if you find the right spot, and learn how to flow with that environment, i don't think i've found that 'right spot' yet... i still haven't found what i'm looking for :-)

01-23-23:  it's really snowing here in rockingham county, the snow began last night around dinner time, then turned into rain, woke up to a slushy slippery mess in the driveway, then we got a break for most of the day, and now it's snowing pretty heavy... the wife has to drive home in this mess, fortunately it's only about ten to fifteen minutes (on a non-snowy day), the little sedan does pretty good in this weather, but she's got a couple of snake-like roads to contend with, be safe Laura, no need to rush... got one of my new glasses in the mail today, i tried them for a bit, for prescription readers they offer very little help (the OTC walmart readers offer much more help), can't see the computer a foot and a half away very well at all with them--i'm pretty sure they aren't the driving glasses, going to have the optometrist check them to make sure there wasn't a screw-up, they are pretty small frames too, almost like kid's glasses, something's got to be wrong, guess i got what i paid for--actually, what our taxes paid for... anyways, getting ready to shovel again, the hip, back, and wrist didn't care for it the last few times i shoveled, but i get another dose of steroids applied directly to my wrist tomorrow, so i got that going for me... pretty dull day when the weather, new glasses, and my achy joints are all that i have to write about, i guess that's good.  --  ct

01-21-23: ... surprise surprise... mention the ATF, and NFA and suddenly my viewership spikes... i understand surveillance, and why folks feel a need to do such a thing... this spike was not only predictable, but expected, i don't have this many regular viewers, and haven't posted anything very profound or entertaining or tried to advertise on other platforms lately, so i can only chalk it up to keyword search/criteria, i understand search/query more than i like to admit... good grief... but hey man, your brandon-in-chief demanded the new 'ruling', and i am a critic of the nursing-home evader, so i get it, check in on the folks that aren't very happy with his/garland's ruling, fine... i wouldn't complain so much on the ruling if the sbr rules essentially made it near impossible to enjoy the use of these tools/devices of hobby... anyhow, i've got a bit of a headache, and don't really appreciate the extra attention at the moment... but chew on this, i can't even use my .22lr pistol with a brace (which might be registered as an sbr) over the state line unless i get written federal approval, i'm sure that that makes someone feel more safe/better--good grief... they aren't weapons of war for crying out loud... brandon and garland, two puppets/peas in a pod... couple of silver-top tools... done complaining, i've got some sleep to try to catch-up on  --  ct

01-20-23:  i don't know why i find Quora so interesting, but i 'answered a question' today that isn't relevant for most folks... i should mention that the part about 'meditation' is mostly because it's something that i've been giving some focus to over the past year or so, and the music mixes on the CTMU Radio Chanel on YouTube has been very helpful in this endeavor, you have to pay to subscribe to the chanel or the Mega Foundation's wellness program on Substack if you want to listen for long-term, but they give you a week's free trial if you want to check them out...
 ... so back to Quora... here is the question, with my answer:

Q:  What are some ways to improve your shooting without a target?
A:  At some point you must shoot if you really want to improve—repetition builds muscle memory and solid mechanics… when the mechanics feel natural you can give more focus to your targets, and not over-thinking… after you’ve acquired solid muscle-memory i think the next biggest improvement can come from ‘meditation’… learning to slow down and control your breathing… learning how to slow down your heart rate… learning how to feel your pulse without touching fingers to arteries…

... Learning to control your body mechanics, clear the mind from distracting stimuli, shoot with proper breathing and in between heart-beats will offer the ability to zone-in on targets and squeeze the trigger at the most opportune time… learning how to control/soften the effects of adrenaline when life and death are on the line is more helpful than some folks might consider… giving some dedicated time to a quiet and peaceful environment to clear the head of distraction and stressors is good for the body and soul… it helps ease certain symptoms clumped under the ‘ptsd’ umbrella too.

01-18-23:  from yesterday... https://christophernews.substack.com/p/just-thinking-or-maybe-i-wasnt

01-18-23 later:  i'm not big on statistics relating to folks who read my posts (i write for my health and my kid's future curiosity), viewing such 'stats' is more of a novelty, maybe sometimes it's a type of validation--i dunno, but the stats reported/gathered for the web-service on this site is nice and vague, they don't show which pages people viewed, it just reports how many new people (or people that clear their web-cache each time they close their browser), i think maybe it's search-engine scans too, it shows new viewers, how many times folks started new 'sessions', and how many pages were viewed... see, nice and simple and vague... Substack--on the other hand--gives writers a bunch of different stats for each post... seems like i get the most viewers from 'direct', i don't know what to think about that, i'll have to think a bit more about what that could entail... but really... well, i don't care if two-thousand, two-hundred, or two people view my crappy posts, i write because i want to, and because i have to, stats are just an interesting thing to look at from time to time... i sort of screw around with substack too, i don't always send new posts out to subscriber's email, and sometimes i don't write things as posts, but 'chats', those sorts of things never generate as many views as articles... sometimes i don't want to reach a bunch of people with mere 'thoughts'... i dunno, not sure why the 'direct' stats are so intriguing, probably because all of the other stats aren't so vague... anyways, if i were writing for stats or subscribers or followers i wouldn't have the freedom to write as i do, in the style that i do, with the topics that i cover, or as transparently as i do... i don't really require validation or large audiences, and i'm certainly not trying to get rich from getting some words and ideas off my chest, i'm only a professional writer because i occasionally get paid sometimes (few and far between, so it's just a technicality), not because i'm an expert any thing, or a credentialed other thing, someday i might hone my craft and surprise us all... i think the folks that are closest to me cringe at most of my thoughts and opinions and elementary writing style, and i get a kick out of their cringe, and i also  get a kick out of folks that are too inept or judgemental to follow along with my writing which doesn't meet their standards and expectations, hey man, i don't claim to be good at this--in fact, i can shoot things better than i can write things, well, usually :-)  --  ct

01-17-23: first time speaking with an aft-agent this morning (unless i spoke to an undercover one before and had no clue who they were), i called their general-purpose number over the weekend and he returned my call.  he cleared-up a few questions that i had regarding an AR-pistol with a stabilizing brace... i'm going for the nfa-sbr registration for it, for those who like to stay on the 'up and up and straight and narrow' the 120-day 'grace-period' is a huge advantage to save LOT's of time and money to legally own one of the funnest types of shoulder-fired firearms... once it's legit i can put a fore-grip on it too--which i haven't been able to do for as long as i've owned the pistol... i've shot full-auto shouldered firearms in the army, the three-round-burst one's as well, and a few types of vehicle-mounted and bi-pod machine guns--sure, they served a necessary purpose, had a coolness/exhilarating/fun factor to them, but even if i had the money to legally buy one, and the patience to wait for the atf's long-ass process, i still couldn't afford to shoot them--ammo isn't cheap if you want to spend a few hours at a range, but i can afford to shoot semi-autos, so i don't have any desire to own a full-auto anything (unless i win a lotto maybe)... but short-barrelled semi-auto rifles are useful and practical, so why not register the pistols as sbr's and not have to deal with the nuances of arm-braces and limitations of pistol configurations, save $200 per rifle during the 120-day grace period--i'm good with that... now if they would only be more reasonable with so-called 'silencers', silencers do not make firearms silent by any means, that's why they are actually called 'suppressors', the term silencer was coined by knuckleheads, and perpetuated by folks that watched entertainment when suppressed firearms sound like a sneezing chipmunk, they just make the firearms that you install them on 'hearing-safe' so you can shoot without hearing protection, and anyone around you doesn't get bothered by the loud noises you make... 'silencers' cost just as much--if not more--than firearms themselves, and you have to wait several months for the atf to approve your purchase after you paid them an additional 200-dollars to get your 'tax-stamp'... i want to build my own, because i like to work with my hands and create, i'd save a tiny bit of money, but still have to jump through all of the hoops and waiting period and pay the two-hundred bucks for the tax-stamp, and all just to make my rifles a little less noisy, there is nothing silent about a suppressor, some are better than others, and depending what caliber rounds you use you can get them relatively quiet, but for about 700-900 bucks plus a several-month waiting period where your money is tied-up with nothing to show for it, well, good grief... OK, done complaining--at least i can save the tax-stamp fee for a couple of sbrs, i guess that's a bonus, and i won't have to deal with the 'pistol' limitations after i'm legit. -- ct

01-17-23 later:  nice day in rockingham county, it got up to fifty in the sun... had a medical appt, then worked outside for ninety minutes or so... i can labor for ninety-minutes, at my pace, and taking all of the breaks that i want to, but the days where i can labor to the extent and duration that employers demand--those days are GONE--but, it was still nice to get outside in the winter and be able to work with my hands for a bit, mostly just used my noggin, but it feels like i over did-it with the body... i can't just sit, i need to exercise the skills that i've learned, even if it's just helping the neighbor with some minor repairs... yesterday's snow-shoveling hurt worse than today's electrical repairs, sad state of affairs when the body weakens, and your vessel can't keep up with the mind and the pace of your youth, work smarter--not harder, as the saying goes... well, i'm trying.  --  ct

01-17-23 laterer:  for tonight's dinner i made two loaves... of meat... the meatloaf came out pretty good, not sure if i could ever replicate the recipe, but family has happy faces/smiles, and no complaints... so of course they will ask me to make the same thing again next time... not going to happen, but i can probably get it close.  --  ct

01-16-23:  too many medical appointments lately, i guess that's what i get when i've ignored warning signs for so long, pain isn't meant to keep NSAID manufacturers in business, but when you adopt the 'just rub dirt on it' mentality you will suffer the consequences of such stupidity, eventually... being unemployed has afforded me the time to make all of these appointments, and get the appropriate tests... the eye doctor caught a rather nasty condition, which is leading to another round of tests, i thought i was just going to get new glasses, i'm getting them, plus more than i bargained for... the dentist appointment is turning into four more appointments... and the OT/PT is turning into a bunch more tests... dealing with a fifty-something body that i've beat on for too many decades is like a full time job, and i haven't even started with the ENT doctors--good grief... no wonder i've put this stuff off for so long...
... OK, done complaining, supper will be done soon, the matzo-ball soup smells good all the way into the living room... it's a short week, but a busy one... trying to fit in writing is challenging lately, especially getting results from so many tests and DR appts, it's all crazy interesting, and triggers a bunch more of unexpected reading... i guess the reading is good, it's good for the noggin... anyways, i'm appreciating some of the sound tracks that mega foundation has been releasing lately, it's good for the mind/body/soul, and to meditate/pray to our creator... OK, gotta go, supper ought to be done.  --  ct

01-15-23:  spent the better part of the last few days searching through old documents, much of it was painful history, actually, it was history that was painful at the time, and for years afterward, but now i just see it as history/reality... some of the painful history was physical, and the physical can lead to emotional distress as well--similarly, some of the emotional turmoil gives way to physical issues--and when you are going through physical and emotional issues it can really shake you to your core, and 'spiritual' problems... spiritual problems are mostly loss of the discernment necessary to see the world/reality as it really is... i dunno, i may not have worded that correctly, but scouring my way through old painful history is a bit therapeutic, no need to keep grieving and re-living the past, it's just reality, it's just bits and pieces of my life-story, they don't define me, if they did i would have been dead long ago, but i still breathe, i'm still conscious, i still move, i still feel... history is only part of our story, there is a future, the future won't always be bright, it will come with new/different pain AND joy and experiences, it comes with new memories, the future doesn't have to be as nasty and fruitless as depressive thoughts demand... depressive and anxious thoughts are both 'freeze' instincts, frozen in time and past experiences, frozen and un-calibrated discernment that prevents us from experiencing new joys, freezing fear that thinks that the pain ahead will be worse than the pain of past experiences... grieving... depression and frustration and anxiety, all grieving the past, and grieving the unknowns that are ahead... although our past may have including much grieving, the future doesn't auto-generate the same grief, there WILL BE new grief, but you are older and wiser now, and understand certain things that you can and can't really change... the past has prepared you accept the things that you couldn't/didn't change, so you know how to deal with the future better than the past, it's evolution, we all evolve and change whether we are still frozen in time from the trauma and grievances of the past or not... the future is full of new seasons, ups and downs, joys and pains... you already know that suffering exists, and that life isn't carefully cradled, coddled, and insulated, so you no longer assume that... trauma has taught you many things, but the fact that you still breathe means that you have a future that requires your attention/focus now, and IT'S NOT to be a slave to pain and fear, you have evolved, and must learn how to draw from the wisdom that you have earned, how to use your intelligence that you were gifted to make the future an enduring one, a future that you can not only help yourself, but a future where you can help others, and a future where you can help God... sure people make accidents, but God gives life, and makes resources that should be used for good... you have spent your whole life learning and discerning good and bad, that makes you intelligent, your intelligence doesn't mean that you will always be able to control everything that you want, you have learned that much already, but your intelligence will help you survive more of the pain and suffering that the future might yield, you have evolved to be able to do so, growing stronger from each experience... you are stronger and more capable than you understand, you are more intelligent than you understand, you have learned from experience, not just from books, your wisdom and understanding have grown from each passing second, the healthy and sober mind is intelligent, and is much more capable than we can imagine, it get's stronger from each passing second, and is capable of changing the world for the good, it can't control everything that it desires, but it can change the world for good... it's been written to fix our minds on things that are good, pure, and lovely--but i say that those things should be our actions, not our thoughts, we need to think about the bad as well, the bad is what contrasts the good, and it helps us understand how to use our wisdom and intelligence to do/commit actions that are based on love/truth/good... the healthy ego is capable of doing much good, the unhealthy ego is retarded... the healthy ego uses intelligence and wisdom with proper discernment, the unhealthy ego uses it's knowledge for unhealthy matters, the unhealthy ego has no wisdom, it only has knowledge... there is much wisdom and intelligence in a healthy ego that is capable of changing the world for the better, even if it's only a crumb or a speck of sand at a time... history--with it's wisdom and knowledge are funny things, they are capable of shaping us in healthy or unhealthy manors, they can help us to embrace reality with it's goods and bads, or to fear it, to use our intelligence and resources for good or bad, to be useful to others or burdens, to help others or abuse them, to work for God or against him... God is the ultimate reality, and we can use our intelligence/understanding to work alongside of him, or to use coping mechanisms to protest him and the life and resources we have been given/entrusted...
... woke up feeling a little weird, but good today, i haven't written much in a few days, so i wanted to write something to kick-off the day... i woke-up today, so i am alive--as long as i have life i am a useful resource, and will use the tools that i have to be useful to others... your experiences/wisdom tells you that life is mostly unpredictable, and not to assume only positive expectations, or to expect only negative ones, there is a season for everything under the sun, each season brings new experiences with highs and lows--the things that help us learn and grow in wisdom, but our personal evolution and intelligence will help safely navigate such things... fight, flight, freeze... grieving... those things happen, we learn from the experiences which triggered those responses, when life throws unexpected circumstances and foreign stimuli we use Godly discernment and wisdom to survive, grow, and evolve--both individually, and for the collective... anyways, enjoy the rest of your weekend. -- ct

01-11-23: have a bunch of topics to write about, all bouncing around the noggin, but all still too fragmented to begin to articulate... patience will prevail... in the meantime, thinking about coping mechanisms, freeze/fight/flight, manipulative semi-truths type of responses people offer when caught doing wrong, self-medicating when expectations aren't fulfilled, what folks do when they regret words/actions/behaviors, what folks go through when they have 'arrived' yet still feel empty, the extent folks will go through to be more comfortable, or validated/excepted/loved, human/societal sorts of things... thinking about story-telling as an effective way of communicating... thinking about lots of things really... much of my time lately has revolved around health, trying to get healthy... when we are so busy that we ignore our health, or so concerned about losing income or financial gain to focus on health, well, what does that make us--i spent so much wasted time running around with some serious health issues that i ignored the cries of my vessel to my own detriment, as well as the detriment of immediate family and friends--because they were the ones that had to put up with my frustrations of the chronic pain that i was feeling, some injuries heal in a reasonable time, the ones that don't shouldn't be ignored, and when 'treatments' don't seem to help you can't keep repeating the same thing expecting better results--i've been the village idiot far too long regarding such matters, can't keep telling myself that if i just keep laboring and beating on my body that my body will probably get better on it's own, and you can't keep doing unhealthy things and expect that God will simply heal you, healing typically requires change, and not all change is easy, and unhealthy routines and life-styles aren't easy to stop, routines in general aren't easy to stop because they have become second-nature and 'feel right', our minds tell us that they aren't right, but our unhealthy and faithless ego tells us that there is no other way, so just keep 'rubbing dirt on it', or just change the band-aid and all will be well... it's bull-shit that we know is not sound logic...

... anyways, unemployment has been the biggest 'trial', yet the biggest source of growth and healing, the double-edged sword, the steve miller band used the lyrics 'got to go through hell before you get to heaven'... i don't know much about heaven or hell, but positive growth doesn't just come from 'positives' (which is why i don't particularly subscribe to 'positive psychology' on it's own), growth comes from exercise, and most exercise includes pain, and i spent so much time trying to live more comfortably by societal standards that i wouldn't face the reality of the warning signs that my health was shouting out to me for far too long, both emotionally and physically, the physical effects the emotional as much as the emotional effects the physical--because they are part of the same entity... i guess that's sort of what's on my mind today... weeks of occupational and physical therapy trying to fix problems that i tried to ignore for years tell me that i'm correct in this matter, the months that i spent in 'talk therapy' to fix emotional problems that were beating me up for decades tells me that i'm right in these matters... it's all common sense maybe, but ignoring reality and trying to push forward is something that i do, i think many folks do... today's over-stress is tomorrow's death, simple enough for even me to remember... we can't live stress-free, but we can learn from over-stress, whether it be emotional or physical, but really it's both, they are part of the same temple/vessel/entity, both the seen and the unseen... just a few things bouncing around the old noggin this morning -- ct

01-11-23 about bedtime:  you know what is healthy and what isn't, what prevents you from doing healthier things... if you want to perform at high levels you make healthy choices, healthy choices not only help the body, but they improve your intelligence, and exercising your intelligence and properly discerning reality means making more healthy choices, not lazy/easy/simple choices... our lives are full of calculated decisions/choices... if you want to increase you intelligence/processing power you start by making healthy choices, if your choice is to be retarded you make poor choices to do unhealthy things, and if you were born retarded and make healthy choices and decisions you are more intelligent than more gifted folks that lack your understanding... today i was retarded, i ate six breakfast sausages for starters... that's about 120 grams of fat, and a boatload of sodium, with 20 grams of protein... no wonder i couldn't get off my fat arse most of the day... tomorrow i'll be intelligent again, right now i'm still meandering around dummy world...

... first dentist appt in ten years tomorrow, my prediction--PAIN, and a bunch of associated costs due to follow-up visits, pretty much all of my teeth need some knid of fixing ,,, maybe just take them all out and i'll start all over with fake teeth, make them nice and straight and bright and shiney... and less than the price of a car, please... i'm predicting lot's of blood, i'll wear a red shirt just in case... anhow, the ambian is kicking in and keybiard diesn't look rith... sighin off  --  ct

01-09-23: not going to write much right now--it's getting late, but watched 'testament' from angel studios again, this time with the wife, and two of the kids too--for as long as they could stand/lasted... want to write a bit more tomorrow (or, whenever) about parallels between their version of the parable of 'the sower', and the line that the dark angel kept saying, 'no need to thank me, just doing what we do', and connected government deviants, also, how Jesus told parables that spoke of the individual apostles--that's probably a thing that pros have written a bunch on, but i'm just catching on to it now, so i'll have to write a little bit about it in the days/weeks to come... good movie, and i think the guy said their budget was something like 50k for the whole film, i don't know how that's even possible, but i guess it is...
... OT went well today, wrist is still a bit flimsy feeling, but the roids provide some relief, it lasted about three or four days last time, gonna see PCP tomorrow, i forgot that i went to the sick room to initiate things with my old gimpy joints, so the doc want's to see for himself before he authorizes the mri's, fair enough, but three visits to manchester this week is a bit much, it's like a job/work... speaking of work, need to get cracking on the highland st. project now that the parts are in, and the latter was delivered there for me, my wrist and shoulder aren't going to like me for it, i'll pay the price to get paid, they sort of cancel each other out that way, but i'll do it for betty, gotta love that lady... speaking of 'lady' seems like another romance-scammer/love-bit is trying to make a FB connection, i'm not eric swallwell though, i don't require anything that a honey-trap has to offer, i say that, but scammers and folks that try to compromise others come in all shapes/forms and scams and traps, 'stay sober and alert, for you don't know when your master will return' there was some kind of NT parable like that, anyways, i have a bunch of NT reading to catch up on,t hey all sort of blend together after not reading them for so long... anyhow, if there was suppose to be a 'divine appt' or communication with the young gal i hope i didn't totally offend her with my reading suggestion and request for her opinion on it, her fb profile says she is from singapore, so it might be pretty offensive, the reader can judge... she resembles the chinese spy that i met when the electrical contractor that i worked for had us do some work at tufts universities confucius institute about a year or so before covid came to town, i could tell what she was, and i actually wiped the condiment/sauce from her cheek when i arrived while she was eating her lunch, let me help you little spy, you got a little schmootz on your cheek, her eaction was priceless when i did that uncommon and sometimes inappropriate jester of napkining a cheek, too funny...  doing something unexpected like that throws them off a little bit, she now views me as some weird/unpredictable wild-card that doesn't fall for all of their tricks... i'm not racist against folks from anywhere, but i'm careful around spies/agents, especially the ones sponsored by passively-hostile countries that deem USA a threat and competitor
... hope to get some sleep tonight, tried to sleep without the Rx last-night, i dozed at some point before the alarm sounded, just not for very long, don't know how i got through today without crashing... tonight i take the pill, two days in a row with a couple hours of sleep can turn into a mild psychosis... i might have several psycho-physiological issues, but mania certainly isn't one of them, i can't function very well with one night's sleep, never mind a non-sleep bender, but the mind doesn't want to 'shut off' on it's own, maybe that's a mania in itself, there is a theory that the add/hyper-vigilance might be on the manic-spectrum, just not as pronounced as the sleepless bender, and feeding into it, i had an uncle that had that bi-polar full-on, and there was no mistaking it, maybe i have a touch of it, i certainly deal with the depression for seasons here and there, there is no mistaking that... i think much of the depression is not doing what we ought to be doing, and by that i mean not working in our gifts and talents, and working on behalf of God and man, the story of luke in that 'testament' movie sort of re-enforced that idea/theory that i've been thinking about... some folks say that you should know you are called to do, what your talents are, some day i hope to discover mine, similar to luke, writing is just a hobby/release/venting, maybe someday i'll write something worthy, speaking of which, i've got to finish that story that i had started awhile back, it ought to be good, but will it be worthy... time will tell...
... ok, it's about time to pop that zolpidem, otherwise i'm gonna be seeing a baaad one tomorrow. -- ct

01-08-23:  i watched a brief clip from an episode of joe rogan last night, and then read this article this morning in the epoch times, both concerning the same topic, jordan peterson may describe it differently, but i describe the situation as institutional harassment and attempt to gas-light/discredit/credential-revocation, as well as resource-draining by means of wasting his time/energy/concentration/finances... jordan is rich now, and has a large enough audience that he no longer requires the credentials that he earned long ago... and i should point-out that i know that the man isn't perfect, nor is everything that exits his mouth, nor his understanding of everything... pretty much like every other human... i don't remember the exact title of the book that a person whom i respect very much recommended to me, something about non-combatant communication, he's right, i do need to temper down and reconsider my words sometimes, however... yes, there is a big 'however'... being a spineless pvssy results in becoming the proverbial 'door-mat' or 'pee-on' that won't defend himself, reality, or anyone else for that matter, i don't care what you call yourself, what ideology you subscribe to, what religion you prefer, or whom you follow, in-fighting within loving friends and family should be approached with a larger degree of kindness and consideration, but to demonic-masses that refuse to live in reality you can shove your kindness in your own preferred orifice... love requires truth, truth is required to exist in reality, and reality is very harsh sometimes, if you've never experienced any sort of trauma then you might foolishly disagree with me, do so to your own folly and delusion... but back to demoniacs or demonic-masses/mass-formations/cults, those folks that choose to bend/distort reality to validate their own dysfunctions/ignorance/evil/delusion do not require a gentle/kind/soft skin-caressing mother-figures to communicate with, especially when it's obvious that they are trying to deceive as many people as possible, and most especially when they try to take as many people as possible to whatever hell their minds and intentions exist in... harsh words spoken in truth do not harm people, so the spineless pvssies that attempt to enforce mass-delusion and tell you to 'stay in your lane' or, 'let's get with the program' in their monotone choice of vocabulary require a swift kick in the arse, a wake-up call that's over-due, or some smelling-salts to help regain consciousness... it doesn't always have to be like that, you should be able to discern if they are teachable, or demanding bullies... i don't know about you, but i don't tolerate or suffer the demoniac bully, fortunately for me (or maybe them, we'll never know) the last two that i stood up to didn't really want to fight, understood they were being unreasonable and stood-down, but give the bully what they are used-to/expect and see what that get's you, it's called further abuse...

 ... so, it brings me back to the passive bully tactics implored by the ontario college of psychology (sounds like an institution of master manipulators if you ask me)... let's read a few words from peterson's response to their vindictive gas-lighting and punishment...actually, let me just quote the article from the times:

" Peterson said he appreciates these criticisms and tries to improve. He said he is trying to improve his tone, to use “minimum necessary emotion” and “minimum necessary force” in his communications. "

 ... fair enough, i typically try to do that with reasonable people as well, professional or amateur debaters--not so much... and demoniac/psychotic manipulators and those who knowingly distort reality do not require kid-gloves, in fact, they might require getting smacked by such gloves to help them wake back up to reality...

 ... more from the time's article:

“ As I generally feel quite passionately about the topics I am addressing, some of that passion spills into the reading—but, if done so to excess, also risks alienating some of the audience that might otherwise be successfully communicated with. It’s a very narrow pathway to traverse,” he said. "

 ... before i comment on the 'risks alienating some of the audience' fear--i have to ask the reader some questions... when you were younger and less mature, did you ever have a mentor/influencer/teacher/adult/boss/parent that did/say something that you didn't appreciate, but later you found that they actually helped you in teaching you a valuable lesson that maybe you just didn't understand at the time of their 'ass-holeness', or maybe you had come to understand that you simply weren't capable of understanding what they were trying to teach you, so they were rude at the time--and you had to learn the hard way? those are rhetorical questions, but feel free to ponder them if you'd like... some folks are teachable and reasonable and appreciate learning things that they have yet to understand, evil-deviants just want to debate the 'merit' of their debauchery/delusion/dysfunction/warped-ego/psychopathy, those are the same folks that subscribe to the 'win at any cost' philosophy, pathological-liars that would just assume drag you into hell with them because they want some companionship while they suffer the actions of their consequences... those types of folks do not require or necessitate nicey-niceties, they will have to learn the hard way, so long as your brash words were truthful you still offered a nugget/bread-crumb/morsel of what they require to wake-up and hopefully repent... call my a hypocrite all day long for following Jesus but sounding mean and nasty sometimes... but if you really think that the leaders whom i criticize are working in their right-minds and shouldn't be criticized, or that i should do so in much nicer methods, well, i'm clearly not intelligent enough to do so, but maybe you are, sometimes i'm the village idiot, and sometimes you are the smartest person in the room, but if you sit on your ass like a spineless blob you are much like a neutered and bound mute... the unfortunate reality is that pathological-lying sociopaths make strong but immoral leaders who only know how to lead with bullying control and deceit, not because they are actually 'good' leaders, and in our country where communists have successfully stripped prayer and the ten-commandments out of public schools there is no more teaching of good and bad, they teach that there are no bad-dogs, and ends justify the means...

 ... in conclusion, i encourage jordan to inform his fellow collegiates to shove their delusional propaganda-pushing agendas and hurt-feelings back into their pie-holes, then slurp on their sippie-cups imagining they were their mother's teets, crawl back to their safe-spaces, back under their weighted blankets, where they can fig-git or tap their way back to a sense of calm security... after-all, we live in a world encompassed in reality, and those who demand that others exit such reality aren't trying to help anyone... maybe jordan should sue the 'college' for not helping those who require it, but patronizing the hurting and needy instead of adhering to their oaths... that's my 'ted talk' for this morning. -- ct

01-08-23 later:  ... on a lighter note, enjoy a bit of JP.  --  ct

01-08-23 more later:  the peterson thing that i wrote about from the first post today got me reading and watching some great video clips... then signing-up for the 'start for free' medcircle.com option... it didn't take very long to find an article that talks about 'motivational interviewing', the counselor from a local vet-center was really good at it... medcircle defines it as ' an evidence-based therapeutic approach that helps ambivalent people make changes. ' ... when i hit a crisis/survival-mode during the beginning of governmental covid restrictions i was most certainly 'ambivalent'--maybe shaken to my core is more accurate... i knew i needed some kind of help, but i couldn't put a finger on certain things that i needed help with... talk-therapy can be very beneficial, especially when your circle of friends/family has no idea how to help, or doesn't want to get involved... it was great to help identify stressors and deficiencies, maybe pointing-out some unhealthy life-style routines that require change... but i think Jesse's suggestion about reading mazlow's hierarchy of needs was brilliant, and very eye-opening... addressing physiological needs/deficiencies is a great starting point, limiting/eliminating toxic environments/people/intake is brilliant, and learning about yourself and reactions to various stressors/stimuli might be the icing on the cake, with the exception of getting back in touch with our creator... anyways... the jordan peterson fall-out led to a good day of reading.  --  ct

01-08-23 more later than before:  ended my day with some chicken pot-pie, and a couple of solid videos... angel studios released episode five of season three for 'the chosen', it was good as usual, but i also watched 'the testament', which was a modern take on the book of luke--actually, it encompassed a couple of NT books... good reminder about 'knowing who your neighbor is'... also, if i win a zillion bucks in the big lotto i will remember the scene where the young lady dies alone in her mansion, no one needs a house like that... odds are that i have a better chance of getting eaten by a jelly-fish than winning the lotto, but you never know :-)  good night and God bless.  --  ct

01-07-23: i like the series from Angel Studios called 'The Chosen'... season three is underway, and i tried to get current yesterday... there are lots of big/impactful scenes and moments in any decent film, after watching most of four episodes yesterday there was a scene in episode three--depicting Luke chapter four--where Jesus reads from Isaiah chapter sixty-one... it gave me goose-bumps to my core... you might not appreciate everything about that particular series, but they do a good job, i like that they don't just use scripture as their screen-play, the apostles have their own personalities, and they use relatively modern english language vocabulary, so you get conversation, not just word for word scripture... i'm not going to critique their theology/interpretation, or anything else about the series for that matter, just want to show my appreciation, and that Jesus reading from Isaiah on THE YEAR of jubilee... that was some good stuff right there. -- ct

01-06-23: too funny, spot-on though:  https://youtu.be/D_tXQo1yz0o

... got into a 'love spat' with a communist on quora, a man named 'kerry'... i got a daily email from quora with an excerpt from his answer to a question from a truly un-American group, and i didn't resist the temptation to fire back at the harry and the hendersons looking fella... kerry states that he 'knows about psychology', so his dsm-5 diagnosis of me is that i'm officially 'an asshole'... i knew something was wrong with me, good thing a person who knows about psychology was able to identify my abnormality, hopefully the hairy guy doesn't teach or practice psych... but this communist belongs to a group call 'trumpers are traitors -- A space to expose the treasonous misdeeds of Trump and his followers'... anyways, if you want to read his post just click here... but you can find our spat below... i don't 'love' the donald, but i really appreciate what he did for America during his days in office, exposing the swamp-monsters of DC and deep-state was not only brilliant, it was necessary for our Constitutional Republic, and long over-due  --  ct

01-05-23:  finally 'cut the wire' as they say, no more cable TV or home phone service, just internet (actually, there is still a cable involved)... saving over a hundred bucks a month, eliminated a major source of hypnotism, distracting background noise, advertising manipulation, and major source of the couch-potato syndrome... we've been talking about it for months (possibly years), but i just finished consenting to our contract changes...i no longer follow sports, or waste several hours per week sitting on our asses watching other people do physical things while those people are getting paid quite handsomely and we pay to sit on our asses while consuming time-wasting garbage, while some of the most stupid and manipulative commercials break it all up... i'll miss some aspects of TV, after-all, i've been addicted to it for fifty-something years, same with the wife, and the kids have been addicted to it since they were itty-bitties... hopefully the withdrawals won't be too nasty, looking forward to the positives, the cost savings is an immediate and obvious one, but untangling the mind-fvckery that TV imposes will be noticed in the days to come... cheers.  --  ct

01-04-23:  terrible night's sleep, experienced hell for almost two hours, but eventually fell asleep... the hell that i speak of is animosity toward a couple of folks, they are folks that very mildly annoyed me yesterday, yet thoughts came back in my mind as i tried to relax and shutdown for the night... 'spiritual' attack/warfare--whatever you care to call it--was certainly engaged, and successfully robbed me of my peace for nearly two hours... it was a hellish torment that i wasn't expecting, glad that i didn't act out on some of those thoughts that hammered away at me... typically i discern those sorts of things relatively quickly, but i was so tired from the sleeping Rx that i wasn't thinking clearly, and gave the attacks enough of a hold that it consumed me for a couple of hours that i will never get back, what a waste of time... i woke up and had to pray for those two knuckle-heads... i was also off my a-game, spending some time with my oldest daughter for an unexpected doctor's visit was troubling, you hate to see your kids go through stuff that you can't fix, i'm a dad, we fix things, it's what we do, but when you can't fix something it's a bit frustrating, but it's in God's hands, looking for a long-term solution now, the 'band-aid' approach by the person that tried to help is a temporary measure, so praying for both the patient and the healer this morning... got some legal matters to take care of today, might fit a little bit of work in for a neighbor if time permits... anyhow, the lemon-ginger tea was great, now it's time for some coffee... enjoy your day, and if you find yourself come under spiritual attack, be quick to discern it for what it is, you don't want to stay in the sulfur 'rabbit-hole' as long as i did last-night, you want to put some healthy closure to it asap, it's time in hell that you'll never get back, time which could have been productive for good things.  --  ct

01-04-23 later:  learned about some deviant scumbags today, reality can be sobering and harsh sometimes... we've all heard of some pretty nasty things that can happen in life, but our normalcy and sanity can still be shocked and appalled when we are faced with deviant/demonic actions/behavior, atrocities really come to life when you either witness them, or through credible second-hand accounts and proof of the atrocities... i like to lay into the FBI after some of their recent shenanigans, but i have a new found respect for the worker-bees, to do the work that some of them are tasked to and escape without ptsd is miraculous... once upon a time i had aspired to get into law enforcement, every vestige of that is totally and completely gone, looong gone at that... i've come into close and personal contact with all sorts of deviants during my life, in some respect i would say that maybe i was even on a pathway to deviant practices--without God in my life who knows what may have become, but to dedicate one's career to studying/engaging/catching demoniac-deviants takes a special kind of person, and the things that they witness must be excruciating at times... anyways, i'll always criticize the compromised men and women that wear badges, but i have a bunch of respect for the ones that remain loyal to their oath, and stay clear of deviant political agendas.  --  ct

01-04-23 later-er:  so it's been brought to my attention that some folks don't appreciate my communication style, it can be 'uncomfortable' sometimes, which is also the gas-lighter's entry... fine, you are beautiful, smart, strong--and the pole which pierced your torso is a mere splinter, i'm sure that if you keep ignoring the blood puddle the injury will self-heal in a couple of days... do you feel better now... i can tell a dim-wit everything that they want to hear, but is that what you REALLY want???  BTW, that's not gangrene around the wound, it's just a bruise, i'm sure you'll be fine in a day or two...

 ... but reality is that no matter how much anyone tries to sugar-coat obviously critical injuries, well, you are going to die... or would you just prefer that i tell you that everything is going to be alright... most of the time it isn't... i just thought you should know as much... but if you wish to remain a fool then foolish encouragement is what you will receive, unless the truth is what you really want... i can feed you truth all day long, but i'm fresh out of the spoons required to feed you... love isn't spoon-feeding someone bullshit, love equates to truth, and nothing less, i don't possess the intelligence to meet everyone where they are at, i can do as much for many folks, i'm not the perfection that many folks insist upon... i'm far from perfect, will never achieve such lofty expectations, but truth is my mission, whether you want it or not.  --  ct

01-02-23: and just like that, the boy is gone, back to the barracks 'till next leave, two weeks flew bye... we got in and out of the airport with minimal traffic, but i'm home and sipping an adult beverage anyhow, i don't like city driving, never did, but it's getting worse the older that i get, and MA is one of those anti-American states that hate people carrying their firearms--so there's that... anyways, looking back over the past year i can tell you that my mindset is in a much better place, anxiety and depression are down to almost nothing, insomnia and pain are the biggest physical stressors right now, also need to get my teeth and eyes the overdue attention that they require, the tinnitus sucks too, but not as bad as the the eyes and mouth are, and blood-pressure isn't in a great zone either, good grief... well, at least i have my health... i have a TON of reading in store for the new year, i want to get through a few more of C. Langan's works, who knew that i'd be interested in such things, the next couple of months are going to have some pretty shitty weather, so i'll probably load up on the reading in the very near future, there are some other author's that i want to get to as well, there is Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter, Paul, Timothy and some other's alike, the major prophets as well as king David... there are a few philosophers that i want to dig into, and i NEED to get cracking on some physics as well--which means that i need to brush-up on some math that i haven't touched in decades, but my kids can help with that :-) ... OK, enough with venting and my to-do list, now i have a gun to clean, should have made my son do it yesterday after his fun with buddies, but i wanted to dig into it to see how it's breaking in, i can't believe that slip2000 is up to fourteen bucks for the four ounce size, it's almost criminal, but i know that Gene doesn't try to rip folks off, so it is what it is--expensive... anyhow, looking forward to 2023, there is sooo much to accomplish this year, moving to another part of the country is one of them, mid-west is our target. -- ct

01-01-23:  so this is what 2023 is like, hmmm... feels just like 2022 so far.  still have some back-up chores to do with a couple of sections on this blog-thing, then LOTS of reading to do... this whole website is basically one man's journey to getting back to health and well being after a bit of a meltdown around the second quarter of 2020, it wasn't a full psychosis sort of meltdown, but it was bad enough that i understood that i needed to address some stressors and physical health problems that were plaguing me, a few of those physical problems haven't really been addressed until the third or fourth quarter of 2022... in my case i did three things to help get the ball rolling in a more positive trajectory, one was to ween off of some prescriptions that were no longer effective to help with anxiety, depression, insomnia, pain--cannabis was instrumental in doing so, and now i'm pretty much weened off of it as well... next was to reach out to the Veteran's Crisis line, i chose to try 'talk therapy'--and with someone from a Vet Center, not a VA health professional... and the third was to begin my own type of 'writing therapy', you could also call it 'journaling'... those were just some of the initial steps that i took... so if you read through any of the pages on this website (especially the Politics and Current Events section) you will see that much of the content is me complaining about things that bother me, things like hypocrisy, lying, exploiting other people's weaknesses, manipulation and distortions of reality--here's a tip for folks that call themselves 'progressives', progress is impossible unless truth prevails over distortions of reality (folks like to call it 'dis-information' now)... liberals and progressives can't lie or spend their way out of things they perceive as problems, some problems require investing resources, but most don't, lying and spending are foundations to government expansion... so back to 'writing therapy'... writing is great in that it helps the over-active and anxious mind slow down enough to organize/collect your thoughts, and search for truth/reality as you communicate the thoughts bouncing around the noggin... i'm not a trained writer other than what public education taught me, and then exercised as little as necessary in order to graduate with my 'class' back in the day, i took two-thirds of an english composition class at a state college before i dropped-out, and then worked several jobs which required a ton of effective communication... so keep that in mind as you read, i'm not trying to produce 'art' in the form of writing (maybe sometimes though), i'm not trying to produce advertising through writing (sometimes i do), and not trying to impress anyone through writing--i have nothing to prove to anyone--writing is just a way to vent, to get a better understanding of the things that 'trigger' stress and unhealthy thoughts and actions, and a form of communication that allows for an outlet of the things that would otherwise stay bottled-up... this website is basically a diary of sorts, i'm impressed that anyone visits and offers their time and attention, but that's a big part of this writing format as well, i have fifty some-odd years of things to get out of my head, the curious may find a little bit to read and ponder, folks that are experiencing their own type of shit-storms may find a bit to read and ponder, folks interested in psychology/psychiatry may find some embedded nuggets (feel free to offer any diagnosis if so, i'm probably a classic example of a few peculiarities or abnormalities according to DSM-5), sometimes i express open-ended equations which amount to forms of humor, sometimes i write things that offer a perspective on matters that others haven't pondered, but mostly i think that my kids will want to read more about their dad as they get older, so it's an ancestral history that they may find interesting as they get older, maybe my grand-kids or their kids will find it all interesting, who knows... but i encourage the reader to write when you are going through difficulties, or anytime that you feel motivated to do so, writing might help you as well as others too... it's not hard, if you deal with ADD or ADHD and/or dyslexia it might be challenging at times, but expressing your thoughts and ideas shouldn't be difficult, so long as you are honest and transparent and aren't trying to write what you think other people want to hear, you just have to be you... but it get's easier over time, especially when you find your 'voice', and don't pat attention to writing rules that hold you back (hence my writing style)... anyhow, i'd encourage the reader to take a stab at it yourself, you have know idea how much it might help you--and others as well--until you try... it's an exchange of knowledge and understanding to future generations, it's nice to be able to share your material possessions/wealth to future generations, but knowledge and truth are worth far more than some furniture and some jingle, knowledge gives others the ability to earn their own jingle, and to prevent terrible history from repeating itself... so back to my new year's chores--i've got two full year's worth of journaling to catch-up on, if i want to measure any sort of growth/progress toward getting healthy and rearranging priorities for future growth, it's pretty neat reading your own history--despite all of the spelling and grammar errors :-) --  ct

01-01-23 later:  some folks link directly to one of the sections of this crappy website, meaning, they skip over the home-page, so here is my new year prayer, found on the homepage:

 my simple prayer... i wish to see more clearly, i wish to think/process and understand life more clearly, and i wish to be a sensor and vessel that God appreciates and uses for his good and the good of mankind, and to preserve the health and functionality of the vessel/body that i've been endowed... simple enough? i think so, i hope so, because that's what i'm expecting... may it be so... now the hard-part/challenge, using such clarity, understanding, and physicality for the good of mankind, and not wasted for my own delight and folly... and i pray the same for you too—the reader—and for all of mankind... gifts aren't to be wasted or exploited for evil purposes, our intelligence, potential, and utility are true 'natural resources'... we are all natural resources that were created to aid both God and man, and to sustain a healthy life and environment for our current, and future generations… may we all seek truth and reality to truly make the world a better place to live...

 our lives are designed to be of a continued spiritual growth and upward trajectory... one of the biggest hindrances to a positive trajectory (besides not meeting our physical/physiological needs and surrounding ourselves in unhealthy environments) is our ego, and a lack of humility, not the type of humility where you pee your pants on a schoolyard with all of your peers pointing and laughing at your soaked spot, but the type that involves swallowing your pride, and remaining teachable... the person who has all of the answers is unteachable and does not posses a humble heart/mind/soul, they are their own 'god'... if my new year's prayer sounds like one that you can identify with then make sure that your ego never has all the answers, that's an unhealthy ego that is destined for a rude awakening and some egg on the face, if not in this life it will certainly pay the price as your body fails and you meet your maker... if you pray the same prayer that i did above then also ask God to keep your ego in check and to always seek the truth, and teach you throughout your whole life, even your dying last breath will produce thoughts and ideas that you never knew... remain a humble and teachable person until you hear the words 'well done my good and faithful child', don't be fooled by an unhealthy ego, to do so is to your own demise... if you are too busy to learn and grow everyday then you are trapped by your own ego, poor priorities, and a tiny environment... God bless.  --  ct