09-08-22:  I like to make the point that i'm not a professional or expert anything when writing about certain topics and disciplines, some posts/writings require more understanding of that than others, this one requires that understanding of the reader. It might even be worth mentioning that the weird/obscure certifications/achievements that i've earned are mostly pretty useless for day-to-day life, and i haven't updated any of them in years so they are all completely irrelevant by now... oh, there is another qualifier (or dis-qualifier) that will probably become self-evident/clear to the reader, but i'll mention it anyways--i am NOT a mathy-guy either... now that that's all out of the way let me really begin...

 I write a lot now, i like to write about things that interest me, and sometimes about past experiences, and usually about things that bother me, and sometimes things that i think might be useful to someone else--i'm sure that there are other reasons why i write about certain subject-matter too, but that's all i came up with for now... today i'm writing about a rather nasty yet relevant topic that might seem strange/morbid to others, most folks call it 'suicide', but the professionals probably have some other technical name for it...

 Even though i am NOT a mathy sort of guy i can still string together a few ideas/information/variables/operators and try to compute to make things as simple/compact as necessary for me to feel that i have a decent understanding of whatever is bouncing around my noggin. If i attempt to connect some dots between math and death then i can quickly think of some simple examples and equations, it probably goes something like this: 'life equals good', AND 'death equals bad'... i know these two statements aren't completely correct, but they are simple statements that most folks typically associate with humans and life--and sometimes we assign 'good' OR 'bad' to other humans too, usually based on their actions/behaviors. If you think about it long enough you might be able to think of some weird circumstances/situations when we assign a 'good' value to death, like maybe when suffering people finally transition to after-life; or maybe capital-punishment, when deranged harmful people are dispatched for the rest of humanity's sake... since it was important enough to state the first time, it's important enough to reiterate the fact that i'm NOT a mathy-guy, but for the sake of this post i'm going to keep mentioning 'equations' even though i have no business in doing so, but please try to humor me...

 Some equations aren't as simple as A = good AND B = bad, sometimes situations/circumstances can be good-AND-bad -- like when shitty things turn into blessings, or, when something that initially seems good and pleasant kicks you in the genitalia... similar principle holds true for people, especially when we consider that 'no human is perfect', we come with good AND bad qualities/characteristics/capabilities and genetic-deficiencies, sometimes we become unhealthy and malfunction physically, sometimes our thoughts/reasoning is faulty... with the exception of deviant/criminal and/or uncontrollable/impulsive/unhealthy actions/behaviors i think most of the problems/obstacles that many people experience is 'faulty reasoning'... there are a few quick examples of faulty reasoning that i can think of: ... ignorance (i did NOT know that)... naivety (i did NOT realize people could/would actually do that)... small/insulated environment with limited experience (that's probably the same as naivety) ... or maybe we get stuck in routine and don't exercise creativity, therefore, we don't consider/know-about other options... for some people the biggest means of faulty reasoning might be 'religion', if we have an understanding of God, Godly principles and qualities, and whether we try to experience life through the filter of our understanding of God, and through His qualities/principles/understanding, etc.. and then there is one other important factor that often leads to faulty words/actions/deeds, our Ego, an unbalanced ego can yield disastrous decisions, many people struggle as a result of unhealthy ego (consider Dunning and Kruger's findings as a similar principle), because we think that we know what we really don't, people have 'blind-spots', we don't know what we don't know; but sometimes we know that we don't know something so we employ others, or ask others for help... there are probably many reasons for faulty reasoning, you can probably think of others.

 Let me give you some relevant back-story... there are AT LEAST four people that i've met and spent some time with that i know had eventually ended their own live's, and I know of at least two other people that i'm close to that have attempted to end their own live's, and i know that i have also contemplated suicide on more than a couple of periods in my life, and i also know that in the USA we are in the middle of 'suicide prevention week'... so for timing and empathy-sake it seems appropriate to write about such matters, but without any of the nasty details... of the six people that i know that either killed themselves, or tried to, five were male, and one was female... in those respects the odds aren't in-favor for men...

 It seems that there are many reasons why suicide becomes an option for people, many times it's the end result of severe depression, or grieving... and sometimes it's even an act of heroism, some people actually sacrifice themselves to jump on a hand-grenade, or stand in the path of eminent death while others run for their lives... it's written, and been said that there is no greater sacrifice than giving your life for others, if we consider religion then Jesus was literally the ultimate sacrifice... i don't really study this stuff, but i know that some folks deal with faulty-reasoning when life as we know it changes severely, and we can't control what we feel that we need to control, this was sort of the case for me, apparently i don't transition very well sometimes and for certain circumstances, i guess i can be a slow-learner, but somehow i equated myself as life's biggest obstacle... i think in my case it was mostly about focusing on my failure to meet responsibilities and my own expectations... i was never bothered about being broke or unemployed when i was a single guy, but--after marrying and having three children, well, losing a job unexpectedly--which was the main source of income/provision--equated to not only failing my wife and kids, but putting an unfair strain/stress on them... uniquely enough, it was the reasoning that ending my life would leave my wife and kids with more questions than solid answers and probably do more harm than good that was enough to get me motivated to change my thoughts back to a more positive outlook on our future... but for awhile all i could reason was that i am a fvck-up and it wasn't fair to them... fortunately, i started to remember that no one is perfect, and that there are plenty of fvck-up's in the world, and some of us still have redeeming qualities (a baby in the bathwater), and still have something to offer others... lately, it's become my opinion, that we all have utility and potential and value and purpose until we take our last breath, for slow people like me understanding and exercising our potential and utility and creativity is the real battle... but with that aside, i'd like the reader to consider a few things... if life doesn't have meaning or make sense or seems without merit, ask yourself if your reasoning might be faulty, ask yourself if the 'life = bad' is actually a correct equation... ask yourself if you simply 'don't know what you don't know' and are having difficulty navigating a shit-storm that someone (or multiple people) might see more clearly... ask yourself if your grief is about forgiveness and repentance, redeeming the past...

 Look, i'm sure that suicidal folks probably aren't looking for some random post like this for help, this may not help anyone save a life that still has utility and purpose and a potential that hasn't been realized or exercised, or a fvcked-up life that has yet to be redeemed; and it might not help friends/family understand some of the faulty reasoning and bad equation behind their loved-one's actions, but talking about it is a good start...

 Oh crap, there was one more thing that i wanted to offer to anyone that might be contemplating suicide, can you at least tell God that you've had it, and what your intentions are, and ask him to intervene somehow if you are actually making a bad decision, do you have it in you to at least throw that question out to God, or The Universe, or The Creator, or whatever your understanding of such a concept is... that's not very difficult, is it?  That's rhetorical, of course it's not very hard... what might be hard is understanding where your equation/reasoning might be faulty, and understanding that ego's aren't automatically balanced, and that there is more to life and more options than you've considered... my advice to the reader, seek help when you require it, it's the simplest option that doesn't get utilized often enough... i'm clearly not a professional anything, but i'll try to help if i can (cfterlizzi@gmail.com), but please consider dialing the suicide Lifeline, it's just the numbers 988... there is also this website: https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988, and Veterans should consider https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/