'Working for my Good You Say, and Count it a What now ?!?!'

[ warning, i wrote this in the wee-hours of the night/morning while dealing with insomnia, so it's full of errors and typos that i'll go back and fix sometime]

F-ing Trials... isn't that just lovely... my apologies, that's just a way of stating some 'feelings' that i have sometimes... and depending on the complexity or magnitude or perception of life's 'trials'... today i'm thinking about how a few stories, conversations, and theories seem to merge together to tell another story... and how additional insight/angles can be helpful in understanding some things a little better, more complete, and maybe even some [joy]?... some of the things that i've read/listened to recently speak to some of C. Langan's theories, and his TOE, and how his simple framework goes beyond the physical and the heavens and even expands on some meta type of 'religiousy' (my word) things... and in this case, i recall him discussing some facets of 'reality' using plenty of peculiar words and terms like 'self-simulation', sometimes he uses other words not commonly used in society, words like 'self-correction', and 'free-will'... and he talks about some other 'physics' stuff too... i'm not a physics guy, but it seems that 'resistance' is something like a physics type of word, and it's one of those things that is simple to understand because it has to do with many facets of our lives, it relates to things like gravity and having to lift up the toilet seat, and getting back up when slipping on the ice, and even lifting weights to get stronger... and so when you consider some of those things together, you might end-up with something that sounds like a what many christians call 'trials'... i'm not a professional religious guy, but sometimes trials are like a huge exercise facing various types of resistance whether it/they be internal or external or both, since i'm not a religious pro you can't take my word for it, but i do know that there is a christian theory (law?) that trials are sort of like 'life's hurdles', they are natural parts of the human life/death and human evolution/devolution cycles, where we meet various intensities and types of resistance/stressors, the football-field sleds/skids, and other unfortunate and shitty circumstances... we hit new challenges, different and weird obstacles, we face emotionally difficult (why did that happen) or painful experiences (how could that happen) that we can't simply seem to change on our own... our 'faith' and 'logic' seem to be challenged and shaken to the core sometimes, life as we know it changes in an instant, things don't add up and compute and make sense and there seems to be no 'equals button' to simply resolve our difficult equation and to close the ends... we might literally be faced with death and we can't change things the ways that we want to change them, or the way we think things need to change, all in order to change the calculation back to our favor... and don't forget the time constraints, we can't change things 'when' we think things need to change, we can't control what we can't control with the time frame that we limit ourselves to, and the only logical factors/assets/resources/methodology that we consider in pushing back against such resistance and obstacles... in some respects we could say that the christian considers trials to be difficult times that everyone must face at some moments and seasons in our life (even Jesus had them), we just can't avoid them... maybe sometimes we need some sort of a miracle to change the outcome of an unfavorable/shitty event/situation... or, sometimes trials feel more like a giant boot-kick to the groin, or sometimes we find peace to where we just go with the flow, where we have embraced reality and certain situations as simply painful and unavoidable... and then perspectives sometimes change too, sometimes a change in perspective is a result of a self-correcting personal evolution, or understanding what's just unavoidable and you just have to keep pushing through/thru... sometimes a change of perspective requires another christian principle, one that's based around the word 'humility'... personally speaking, i think that an actual component to humility requires people to assume that there is an actual intelligent and some type of a superior God... without making that assumption, or consideration, then we are often likely to become our own 'god' that lies to ourselves to say that we are never wrong, and don't require self-control/adjusting/correction/growing/maturing and evolving and learning and expanding our understanding for a more complete and fulfilling life with a greater sense of reality... part of reality is that we all live in a physical body/ecosystem, and our body is going to die... when you are young you focus more on growing-up/expanding and developing, but we are still dying, in the sense that our physical bodies come with unknown/unpredictable expiration dates... the older you/we get the more we may start to actually feel that our physical bodies are dying... for some folks dying is a very scary thing to even consider, in fact Kubler-Ross published her observations which kicked-off another psychological theory of grief/grieving... i don't really know what the pros would call it actually, but i'll call it 'law' because human actions/reactions to facing painful trials is similar to human actions/reactions to understanding that death is imminent/close... the AA folks will tell you that it's helpful to know that there are things/events that we simply just can't change as painful as they may be, it seems that when we grieve/react to things/events/pain that we can't quickly and easily fix/resolve, then the more likely folks will self-medicate to 'help' with the grieving... i don't know much about physics and vocabulary, but i think it goes something like this, in order for 'human expansion' to occur there is friction and resistance which must be met, without resistance we can't expand/grow, or break-free, we may stay neutral, and even contract, and waste... we must face resistance in order to expand, resistance might feel like death sometimes depending on circumstances/compounded-stressors... the marines have a saying 'pain is weakness leaving the body', exercise uses resistance to get stronger, otherwise this scrawny little sickly skinny kid would have shriveled-up and died long ago, but i exercised my frail weakly skinny body/lungs with resistance and exercise and purposeful nutrition, and am much more healthy then when i was wee-one, so it seems... and another decent military term is 'embrace the suck', to me those three words equate to 'i'm facing resistance... i know that much already... and i'm capable... and i know that much already, so i'm going to have to exert some energy and mental toughness to push-through the pain and get through mission', i'm sure there is more to it than that, but i'm a simple guy... but, without trials and hope and humility and better understanding there is little room for self-correction, little reason to consider self-correction, and certainly no reason to want to even face resistance... with free-will comes great responsibility, if we can't self-correct and adjust then we end up in jail, or worse, because we didn't utilize our free-will wisely and responsibly, we loose certain freedoms and benefits and even life itself sometimes when we misuse free-will and get ahead of ourselves wanting to control our own destiny in the ways/methods that we feel like it, or handling our problems the way that we 'should' resolve them... maybe we can control our own destiny in many respects, but we simply can't do that if we aren't evolving and self-correcting and adjusting, 'as if' we were our own perfect little gods... maybe we are made in god's likeness, but we can't compare our creative intelligence and resources to that of god's, we are inferior with more confines than god, so we must factor in humility when we approach trials and obstacles and hurdles... even when life get's a running start to land the boot to our reproductive organs... we may not need a mind-blowing miracle, the miracle might start when considering if we are missing something in front of our own very nose, the thing in the mirror, sometimes we slow-down our thought-process enough to realize that we may need some regulation/control/adaptation and different perspectives, sometimes trials begin externally but grow internally, sometimes problems are internal but spill over to the external, sometimes life is easier and more enjoyable than other times, sometimes it get's harder as we grow and mature, sometimes we expand and sometimes we contract, sometimes we are simply stuck in neutral and don't seem to consider that some of our perspectives and words and thoughts and behaviors and routines need to change... sometimes trials offer us the time to slow-down ans stop for a bit, get a look at the big picture, see what we can learn from our history and our current situations, we might see things that are wrong in others more clearly than what deficiencies we might have ourselves... but not all trials are like that, some are just a completed unenexpected and seemingly unpredictable event, and we might 'grieve' in many senses of the word, in many respects grieving is coming to grips with death and our inability to control the timing and circumstances of it, i think that's that way that i understand it... sometimes trials might be simple to resolve, sometimes we realize we need glasses and we get some and headaches and tiredness are dminished, sometimes we get shoes that fit and are appropriate for lifestyle/work... some trials are also partly based on physiological needs, sometimes we realize that some glands don't work correctly and perhaps need a bit of lithium, or other elements/molecules/compounds for endocrinology-sake, it witnessed that particular ailment more then once, and sometimes we learn that we need to regulate sugar and so we do smart things that we know help us regulate sugar levels, sometimes we need to get better--or more--sleep, or better or more hydration, or better food to survive and regulate and live more healthy and meaningful and purposeful lives... there are some trials that we may never comprehend the depth and the variables that are connected/involved in a world full of other free-willed humans and animals whirling around in populated and over-populated areas... but it seems that the source of almost every trial is both internal as much as it is external, how we identify - improvise - adapt- overcome and accept hurdles, obstacles, pain, and grief has much to do with free-will, what folks do with it, what we learn from experiences about life and death and sorrow and joy and living in the moment and in reality that Jesus the nazarene had even experienced, there is a lot that we could learn from that guy, and from the folks that were closest to him had written about... what if you don't guess and wonder and contemplate whether or not trials are unavoidable periods of our lives, and what if we consider the christian principle that trials are actually beneficial to us in some way/facet/sense... what if trials are pivotal moments in our our lives, moments that could draw us closer, bring us nearer to a loving and personal god... is that a consideration of yours at all... even if the pain/distress/turmoil/grief seems overwhelming... if you know that there is an actual, personal, and purposeful god that actually loves us, and is expecting us to turn to him, and to seek solace and strength and reasoning through the suffering then you might be able to find the courage and will and determination to survive and thrive in a new way that we never thought was possible... some trials can bring us closer to the fullness and reality of god, some trials are not only obstacles in life, but can be obstacles to our relationship with god and our understanding of reality... what if our reactions to circumstances and trials, and our communication with/to god through the trials can be make-or-break moments in time... i've witnessed some otherwise lovely and wonderful people lose their hope/mind/determination/reasoning as they lose faith and logic and even blaspheme our creator... i've witnessed people react to trials in ways that seemed illogical, they had a sense of peace in their difficulty, and they didn't push god away, but they were determined to draw near to god by prayer and conversation... and i've witnessed people react to trials in ways that suggested that they don't understand that life comes with mountains and valleys, highs and lows, and seem to push god away when god doesn't 'fix things' the way and at the speed that we prefer, so we minimize god and sort of separate ourselves from his reality/peace/love... trials can be moments of great joy and epiphany and a new and healthy understanding of god and life, and trials can be defining moments where we drive a wedge between our ego/soul and the god of creation that desires us to love him and the life that he's given us... i don't mind telling the reader how much i hated life for many years, chronic physical pain is no picnic, losing abilities that we once had is no picnic, loosing people that we deeply cared for is no picnic, being subjected to some nasty people and their hateful whims is no picnic--and knowing that those things are all a part of reality, and all a part of life can be painful, or a part of a priceless education in navigating a world full of free-willed people, and a god who desires us to use our free will wisely and responsibly, and that same god that loves us and wants to hear our honest feedback as we navigate life through it's ups and downs... trials are no picnics, and when we can't seem to look past them, and when we can't seem to view life free from pain and despair in the wake of our trials then we seek help from people that are better equipped to help us understand how to live despite of the pain and change of course, there are some very decent people that offer their wisdom in helping us readjust to living in a world that seems foreign or impossible in light of pain and suffering, some folks are actually good at that skill, sometimes friends and loved ones help us readjust and navigate, sometimes complete strangers do, sometimes it comes down to us and god, a battle of wills, a battle of accepting truth and reality, and a battle of personal evolution, a battle of surviving in a world that sometimes doesn't make sense... what's your pain or discontent or grief or trouble or obstacle, and how did you express them to God, it's my understanding that God is in the business of truth, and that he simply want's us to communicate truthfully, and for us to understand truth and reality... sometimes we look through life through the filter of everything that is negative, and sometimes he shows us and reminds us of the good and beauty that still exists in the world despite our pain... some times we convince ourselves that everything in our lives is negative hurtful hateful and painful, and we don't look to our creator for help and clarity, instead we choose to look at things through the filter of the deceiver, the thief, satan--the one who fancies himself to be better than god... sometimes trials are a battle for survival when circumstances and grief seem beyond hope, and the future doesn't seem to offer resolution... but it's my understanding that some trials offer growth and progress at the end of the season, some trials are like an expansion of environment while eliminating certain dependencies, like when a young bird is nudged from the nest to learn how to fly... some trials offer us time to detox and regroup and readjust... some trials are like everything written above times ten, you must know to seek some or 'additional' help when it's times-ten... some trials are the little bird getting nudged from the nest yet much more complex than simply exercising wings and using feathers, but sometimes they are... some trials offer us the chance the repeat history expecting different results, and some trials offer us the chance to unexpectedly change history for our own good and for future generations... TBC'd...

-- then i'll probably put a bunch of scripture references here, and blend the scriptures together to explain in biblical-speak

... and then there is my disclaimer... look, i'm not a professional anything, so don't take my words for it, but if anything above sounds interesting then i invite the reader to research some of these thoughts/opinions on your own... do your own research, maybe try to pray/communicate/connect with God, and see if God speaks to you somehow or another, it's my understanding that sometimes understanding something more fully and clearly can be god's way of 'speaking' to you, but don't take my word for it, i'm a simple non-credentialed man that isn't a professional anything, but i still love you enough to write anyways. -- ct