why don't they just tell you

12-27-23:  this post will go to substack when it's done... think i'll call it 'why don't they just tell you'... it's basically just me complaining about a few things...

 ... if you have a medical condition, why don't medical professionals just tell you, instead of waiting for you to tell them... that's mostly rhetorical, and the answer is multi-faceted, A. Huberman does a pretty good job explaining some of the challenges the psychiatrist faces when interviewing a patient, as well as some of the criteria that's used in determining an accurate bi-polar depression/disorder... part of me is pretty pissed-off right about now... how many doctors did i speak with over the years, and a licensed therapist/counselor (not a PhD) came the closest, actually, Jesse nailed it... but, shouldn't they have just told me by now, that's sort of my over-all complaint... i don't give much of a crap which specific type i struggle with, the pro's can determine that if they ever want to get around to it... but understanding what i do now is pretty satisfying to the soul, and 'No', i'm not going to run out and grab some batteries to chew on... trying to get an accurate diagnosis is one of the reasons why i don't hold-back, or, 'control' much of my writing on this blog, i don't use much of a controlled vocabulary, temperament, or use PR/propaganda-tactics, so a decent professional ought to be able to read through this web-site, and maybe only have a few direct follow-up questions to get an accurate diagnosis... i've invited mental-health professionals with various and impressive credentials to skim through this shitty-ass web-site, almost all of them have, so why didn't any of them just tell me... did they assume that i already knew... anyways, here's how it affects me most recently, i specify 'recently', because i presented other, more reckless symptoms when i was younger, anyway, here:


 * hyper-vigilance
 * distractability/ADD-ish
 * insomnia
 * panic-attacks
 * self-medication to slow down


 * isolation
 * disassociation
 * stoic
 * no energy or motivation
 * self-medication for energy

 ... some of them listed above aren't so bad right now, they might lean more toward the 'tendencies' at the moment, others scream at me all too much/often, and are debilitating on their own (insomnia, disassociation)... they are all things that i'm mostly aware of, and try to be mindful about, so maybe i'm in some mild form of 'maintenance'... some of the other symptoms come and go, maybe seasonal/cyclical, triggered by logical, and sometimes illogical/unpredictable events/actions... i don't know if i classified them correctly under the manic, or depressive polarities; this is all sort of a new thing to really start digging into now (like i said, why didn't they just tell me), here are some of the more nasty symptoms that i dealt with over the years, some going back as far as middle-school, maybe/probably earlier...

 * no optimism for future
 * suicide considerations  
 * risk/adrenaline/dopamine-seeking life-style
 * binge-drink to pass out
 * 'had to' present perfectly groomed and dressed
 * compulsive purchases 
 * little patience
 * much anger/rage
 * over-engage/prioritize/commit/concentrate/immerse in projects/interests/hobbies
 * sex/love/attachment seeking life-style
 * never felt like i 'fit in', unless with small trusted groups of people
 * refusal to allow myself to be vulnerable
 * very materialistic
 * other symptoms associated with impacted grief, trauma, and remorse

*** the very nature of the condition assumes that the subject is incapable of fully discerning severity, or duration of symptoms, so take everything that i say with that grain-of-salt, absent the clarity of hind-sight i probably wouldn't fully comprehend the extent of some of my low-points... you sort of get used to some oddities the longer you deal with them, so sometimes what i think is kind of normal, might actually be pretty nasty...

 ... i'm sure i'm just scratching the surface as far as symptom are concerned, some of it is 'personality type', some of it is just necessary human growth, development, and personal/spiritual evolution and mindfulness and understanding/embracing mutual-respect... with all of the complaining, and the low-bias self-evaluation which emphasizes negative thoughts and actions, there are plenty of blessings that go with the curse, so i shouldn't just complain, but for the sake of this post, i will, because complaining is my biggest hobby... i think it's the severity of the symptoms, and if there were any obvious stressors going on which may have triggered the symptoms that made the pros miss the obvious... i think Laura H. was on the right track, but just never came out and talked about 'criteria', which i clearly met--once again, why don't they just tell you... anyhow, i'll have to start digging more into nutrient-based treatments, i used to just drink a ton of caffeine-based drinks, to help through the depressive seasons, but my blood-pressure says that it's no longer a viable option... caffeine shouldn't be one of your food-groups, but in my case it certainly was, mostly to treat depression and the morning-after affects of insomnia--i almost never had a decent night's sleep until they started with the ambien)... but the energy drinks, and coffee-by-the-gallon gives way to mania/racing-heart/hyper-tension, and probably an eventual middle-aged heart-attack--which i'm still not convinced that i'll avoid... and then alcohol, and/or cannabis to help tame the mania... i'm pretty sure it's in a Luke Combs song 'her day starts with a coffee, and ends with a wine', which sort of tells you my story, but i don't drink much wine anymore, it's too strong for me, i like lower-alcohol/session beer these days...

 ... a current popular theory these days is that bi-polar disorders are genetic/ancestreal, they say that you might be born with certain genetic conditions which may eventually be triggered to activate some of the symptoms associated with the current DSM classifications for the bi-polar types... they say that certain traumas can trigger the onset, or injuries, or drugs, or alcohol (you know, the usual 'genetic, nutrition, environment' suspects), sometimes that might be more clear than other times... sometimes you deal with the lows by means of self-medicating, and it can be too much, or the wrong thing, and now you are dealing with the affects of nutritional-intake/consumption of whatever you used to medicate with... there are other thing/factors that can trigger manic, or depressive behavior/actions periods as well, sometimes it's an obvious stressor, other times it's a 'straw that broke the camel's back' sort of thing... anyhow, the Huberman podcast is really good, he goes into a bunch of other things, and into pretty good detail as well... i like all of his pod-casts, he's a smart guy...

 ... if you know someone has a condition, and you are a doctor that is supposed to diagnose, and treat the condition, isn't it expected that you would tell the patient, i suppose it's easier to 'punt' than to have honest and helpful conversations... it's probably more of a 'professional relationship' thing, the medical professional is too controlled/on-guard to speak to a patient like a family member, one that you love... maybe it's more profitable to keep you ill-informed/ignorant, and coming back for treatment... but, shouldn't they just tell you... it's like a thing that an old mentor used to call 'booger love', do you love someone enough to tell them they have a booger on their nose, or do you just let them walk around and work a room full of people with the booger hanging... 'to exercise booger love' ought to be part of the hypocratic oath...

 ... the last paragraph-thing is just an introduction

 ... TBC...

*** this part will be near the end of the post: