02-23-24:  it's actually a few minutes before mid-night, so technically it's still yesterday, but i'm just going to act like it's a new day already, sooo, for the sake of the accuracy of the date-stamp that i opened this post with... let it be known that i dragged this part out long enough that it actually is past mid-night now, so it's accurate... and, none of that really matters, so i'll just quit before i make things any more awkward... right right right... moving right along then...

 ... this post will somehow be incorporated in the paper i'm working on... but this post could easily be it's own thing... it's basically notes from 'last-night's therapy'... maybe you'd call it 'self therapy'... i dunno... i'll let you decide... but, i should warn you before you read any further... i'm pretty certain that i'm still impaired to some degree... well, like i already said, you are plenty capable of deciding/judging things on your own...

 ... nothing about this was done via controlled/measured science-experiment like, that wasn't really the point... so, i'm not sure how much 'silly-cybin' i ingested, or, of which classification the fungi is considered... but i sort of knew what i was getting myself into... with that said, i consumed about three and a half grams of fungi that didn't have the dis-pleasure of sprouting out of cow-shit... they were grown in a mason-jar by a college-kid who found himself a pretty cool hobby, maybe it's paying for some of his books, too... still trying to find out which 'strain' (higher classification) it is, though... hold on, are you still wondering why i would do such a thing? That's probably a fare-question... so, let's back the truck up for a second, don't want to lose you this quickly, some folks can't manage to read this much information, because it isn't a meme, or, an Occam's razor-analysis, or my unorthodox writing-style... but hang in there for another couple of minutes...

 ... so, if you are intelligent enough to maintain focus this long, but still wondering why a 'churchy type of guy' would consume some of God's gift to humanity... oh, wait... maybe you don't like the way that i just described 'shrooms', sorry... NOT-sorry!!! They do happen to be on the same planet as us... sooo, you know, there's that whole 'part of creation thing', and... i'm about to begin describing tangible therapeutic qualities of a naturally-derived fungi that our government still swears up and down and side-ways 'has zero therapeutic qualities', according to it's 'scheduling'... too many compromised fvcking clowns running the circus if you ask me, but no one did, sooo... moving right along...

 ... the whole paper i'm working on is about healing from trauma, in order to be more whole, complete, and effective--to be able to help heal others, so maybe you could call it something like a 'church-thing'... it's really much to do with that... grieving sucks, and it's exceedingly unhealthy if left 'untreated' very long, but, ignorant shit-heads keep insisting that people 'growing up' is far too unhealthy, and, unpredictable for government-types... they prefer a country of good, obedient, and busy little drones/bots/workers to grow it's empire... so, naturally-occurring medicine that is safe, and effective, and literally costs ZERO/NADA/ZILCH/NOTHING... because... yes, let me say that one more time... it just fvcking grows because it's fungus... it just does what it does... and is serving it's purpose within creation, assisting in the symbiotic relationship of everything within our environment... but, since the government-cult has partnered with the pharmacological-cult, we are left scratching our heads, brain-washed to believe that scientists can provide better treatments than nature, better than our Creator... Dunning and Kruger probably have names for such people...

 ... OK, how was that for an introduction? Doesn't matter... completely rhetorical... but, let me show you how this 'therapy' sort of worked... i had zero-intentions of feeling groovy, and enjoying some extended-sensory stimulation... but i did... for a little bit... until i was ready to do some business, that is... feeling groovy wasn't the point, but was a pleasant side-affect nonetheless... after thirty minutes or so after feeling affects settle in, i closed my eyes... the primary stimulus was sound, but i also have some essential-oils--lavender being the predominant extract... OK, back to sound... i had me some 'Solfeggio tone 432, with an underlay of Schumann resonances, and subliminal loops of positive affirmations' going on... and the room had one little 'tea-light' candle, but was otherwise dark... it was about 20:30, so it should be dark by then...

 ... it wasn't until i closed my eyes that the therapy began... there were some profound historical events that sort of 're-surfaced', which is the point of this type of therapy, one of my survival-defenses is to 'forget about it, and drive on'... but that's a fool's mantra, it invites a negative-loop of imprisoning-confusion/chaos, and stunts maturity, growth, and effectiveness--in navigating our environment, and helping others in ways that they need to be helped...

 ... OK, so now all of the cosmic 'dots' began to connect... all of the self-deprecating humor, being my own worse critic, tons of brain-washed negative-narrative going on in the noggin... the newest neighbor--a ten yr-old boy going through a shit-storm that's far beyond his fault, and control... trauma... my past... child-hood trauma--which is just one of the types that i struggle with--inflicting pain, suffering, and death to other people, being another one... the pros call it something like remorse/guilt, type of grief... i didn't enlist in the Army to be a good quiet little boy, i enlisted to 'fight against things which were wrong'... maybe a reaction to surviving things in my own life which were wrong... maybe... the truth is, as a little boy, i wasn't the least bit violent, until i was sometimes neglected, abused, violated, and forced to try to 'grow-up' entirely too early, i experienced a part of reality before i was able to really process, and understand it... i think that might literally be the definition of childhood-trauma... i guess it would be an interruption of the safety, and nurturing needs, as defined by Maslow...

 ... part of the inner-narrative during the self-therapy was like Robbin Williams in 'Good Will Hunting', the depressed doctor counseling the twenty-something year-old Will... 'it's not your fault, it's not your fault'... and then part of it was like me giving advice to my young self... 'this season in life is going to suck, but you are incredibly resilient, keep surviving, better days are coming, you just don't quite know when yet, and, your very smart, although you won't even realize it until you are old'...

 ... and then the narrative shifted to the little-boy across the street... what advice would i give him... it didn't take long being around him to discern that he's incredibly intelligent, he barely had to speak and i could tell--he could skip right over mensa if he wanted to, maybe three deviancies for the better, maybe more, i dunno... i think i'd ask him some questions about how he is processing some of the messy stimuli/stressors in his life... but really, the narrative was sort of like an advice thing for him, that was going on... in my mind... maybe something like... 'your a pretty smart young guy, you probably understand that your stress isn't your fault, right... but you know it sucks... it probably sucks because it's completely out of your control... and, you understand that other people's words and actions do not equate to an expected/assumed model of love/respect... you are probably stressed because you subconsciously understand the golden-rule, and your environment was lacking in mutual-respect, aka, Love... you were subjected to some rather unpleasant aspects of reality at a pretty young age... considering instinctual human-behavior, people that experience some of these types of compounded-stressors may react to their environment in some-what predictable, 'negative' behaviors, the worse of which might be projecting any grief or anger onto other people, forcing them to experience your pain too... that's not very healthy, in fact, it's a continuation of a negative-cycle, a loop which needs to be closed... people also present/implore various defense-mechanisms... isolation is a tough one to dig out of sometimes, but some folks are naturally introverts, and some isolation is important in order to have time to process all of the information that we've consumed--the more your brain is observing/calculating, the more time you might need to finish processing, to analyze what we are going to do with that information... so, extended isolation can be quite unhealthy, but sometimes a guy needs space alone with his thoughts, and that's fine... i'd suggest that you spend a bit of time to organize your thoughts, and/or feelings regarding your recent experience, put those thoughts to pen and paper (or digital pecking)... it won't just help sorting through thoughts and emotions, but, you were gifted an incredible brain to use, it doesn't feel incredible, because it's just you, it's part of who you are as an individual... it's important to exercise your brain, just like your body; and we want to make sure that your mind doesn't get bogged-down, and side-tracked on endless equations trying to assure yourself that none of it was your fault, how you may have been able to fix it, and it was all out of your control... it was other people trying to figure out their own faulty equations, and you were caught-up in the middle of it... sometimes, being an adult can be crazy-hard... when multiple expectations/assumptions are not met, people stop paying attention to one another, or get caught-up in vanity rather than reality, it can get Very frustrating... Most folks expect their parents to be civil, kind, and loving to one another, to family, and to others... some folks don't have any parents for very long, some have already lost one parent to death... anyways, those things are a bit like your brain, it was all out of your control, we get what we get, and have to use all of our resources to successfully navigate life... if life gives you one decent parent, not a ton of money, and a good processor/brain, well... you will have plenty of time and opportunity to use all of those resources to live a satisfying life, but to also leave humanity better than the way you inherited it... some day, i'll tell you the story of another young boy, he had all kinds of trouble adjusting to life after his difficulties and challenges experienced from a young age... eventually he turned out alright, but, unfortunately, it took him several decades to reconcile some nasty events that shaped his life... it's kind of a long, boring story, so, we'll save it for a rainy-day, as we old-timers like to say... but i think that young boy would have done well to try to understand the events, and many of the conflicting emotions that sometimes come when considering difficulties, and, it's best to address them as quickly as possible...'

 ... i think my advice to him would be something like that... it's far from complete, but i think that's sort of the narrative that i had during last-night's therapy...

 ... not sure what you think of all of this, maybe to you it's some kind of crazy voo-doo hippie-shit... however... to me, it was extremely beneficial... i'm a service-connected, disabled, veteran of a war full that was full of air-born toxins, and some other unpleasant things here and there too... the united states government is still living in denial, when classifying naturally-occurring, therefore, FREE, molecules as being without therapeutic-qualities... they are either living in denial, colluding with the pharma-cult, or, unwilling to accept that they were fooled, or, coerced... too many compromised clowns running the circus... however, the VA is offering certain 'studies' to Veterans who are dealing with certain conditions lumped under PTSD... it's still an open-equation, a paradox... they are 'allowing' studies to test the effectiveness of fungi as treatment for something that they already know works very well, but they are the government, and idiots will do what idiots do... and i'm happy to explain how ignorant, and compromised they have become... but no one asked me, so i'm just going to do it... and that's one step in making the world a littler better than when i was birthed into it...

 ... hope you enjoyed reading, maybe you even learned something... God bless. -- ct

 03-14-24 UPDATE:  still having decent effects after three weeks... folks who utilize psilocybin to treat obvious conditions such as mine do a second treatment a minimum or two-weeks after the first treatment... that might still be on the table for me... time will tell.  --  ct