12-26-23:  it's a quiet house, the wife and kids are still in bed, except for the one that i brought to work earlier... the roads are between damp and wet, thick fog this morning, it's warmer than average outside, and i love that... you hear the sounds of passing cars and trucks, and i just heard all three intersection-warnings/horns from the distant train a couple of miles away... i had some coffee and Cookies, and now i'm just sort of praying/contemplating/writing, it's about a perfect environment for me...
 ... i'm sure you already know this, that you have much greater understanding/experience/knowledge/wisdom than i do about a bunch of things, and that statement probably works both ways... we gain understanding/wisdom through experience/history/mentors, etc... and you have no idea how much of that i've got... maaan, i've got bundles/bushels/buckets of that stuff, maybe even by the boat-load, probably a boat-load of it... oh my word, you should see my resume, certifications, qualifications, credentials; it's quite brilliant... except, it's really not, maybe it's interesting, but it's really just rubbish, ancient-history, a whole bunch of boring blah-blah-blah... dung, and i bore myself even considering certain goals and achievements, and want to puke in my mouth trying to reconcile how far they have brought me in life... besides employment history (old news), let's look at the things that i have the most experience with, therefore, ought to be the most brilliant at:

 * breathing, i'm pretty good at it, but not great at it, despite 54-years of experience, sometimes i get out of breath, or breathe too quickly

 * blinking, i'm mostly good at that, but not always, far from brilliant

 * sleeping, 54 years of experience, and i still suck at it

 * eating, i've got 54 years of experience of that too, and i'm still not an expert, sometimes i'm mindful about what i ought to eat, how to best prepare it, how much of it to eat, how long before i eat again, but i'm not nearly as mindful/purposeful as i should be, sometimes 'quick and easy' rules the day, at the expense of applying 54 years of wisdom

 * drinking, i suck at that too, and i've got more experience with drinking than eating, so go figure

 * excretion, i'm pretty good at that, stuff seems to come out of every orifice and pore pretty well

 ... how about this one, religion... i've been an active-participant in Christianity for the better part of thirty years, although sometimes still a bit of a wayward child... thirty-something years, several, maybe hundreds of encyclopedia's worth of consumed information, maybe a small boat-load's worth of information consumed... but i suck at that too... i understand principles, but i really don't know much at all... i learn more about religious principles just conversing with others, even about seemingly obscure, irrelevant, random topics/matters... i've probably learned some from reading, and listening to countless others speak of their opinions and understanding of the God of the bible... i'm sure i have, i must have... some test scores indicate that i'm capable of understanding such matters, but i don' know sh1t really... there are plenty of ways/things that the God of Creation reminds us of him, plenty of things to see/consume to keep us grounded, aware of our environment, aware of God's presence and beauty, connected to our Source, the Spirit/Mind of God... God does that through written words and songs, through creation/nature/people, through thoughts... but reading/studying, that only gets you so far, you have to live life--experience it--to really know it, unless you are an idiot, a virtual-reality craving A/I bot that's stuck in a matrix... God and Life go hand and hand; when you can slow your thoughts, words, and actions to be conscious of both God--and your current experience simultaneously--there is a joy in that, which doesn't always come easy... i dunno if it's 'joy', maybe it's more of a peace, or, contentment... i dunno what you call it, but--depending on your lifestyle--you might have to be very deliberate/mindful/purposeful to do that, to be aware of the reality of God's presence in your daily life, thoughts, words, and actions/activities...

 ... if you wonder why i don't 'love' writing about God, or spirituality, it's because i don't know a damn thing, for a smart guy i'm pretty fvcking stupid... just when i think i have a decent understanding of something, God shows me a different perspective/variable/consideration, another aspect of reality, and i'm reduced to the village-idiot all over again... it seems like a nasty cycle, maybe it's just a painful blow to my ego, maybe it's a beautiful cycle, maybe it's God drawing me closer to reality... i dunno what it really is... i've received some semi-negative feedback that i don't use this crummy little web-space/platform thing to promote more about God, with the same understanding, and enthusiasm as others... actually, the last two parts are never suggested/offered as part of the criteria/suggestion, but it's always implied, and subjected to interpretation, and impossible expectations... that part is never offered, but it's 'the 'catch', no one shares the same exact enthusiasm or understanding as anyone else, we are individuals, and as such, so is our relationship and understanding of God... but i 'get it', good feed-back, i do have whole section that i labeled 'philosophy and religion', i mean, that's something, right?  look, i don't love to offer information about God, mostly because i know far less than others, i respect/fear God too much to get anything wrong when doing anything on His behalf... there are many other--and much smarter people--that have already said everything that needs to be said... this crummy-ass, simple web-site is just the words of a middle-aged guy in the act of recovery, discovery, evolution, and learning how to be useful to God and man given the changes to my body/capabilities, resources, and stage in life... writing is therapeutic for me, so i have to do it, you are just experiencing some of the session...

 ... i actually really appreciate the feed-back from a loved-one that offered that bit of criticism... doing anything 'on behalf of God' is the most frightening thing that i can think of, i'm wrong about a zillion things, educating others about Godly things is something you really don't want to be wrong about, not if it causes others to go astray, the world is already full of sales-men and teachers, and many that lost the discernment to understand that they have out-served their usefulness, and i don't want to be one of them, i try to stay as grounded in reality as i know how, but i till get plenty of things wrong, sometimes even before my first cup of coffee... i prefer that the reader comes to read this blog for curiosity-sake, to help stimulate some ideas and motivations for others, and for those who are just wondering what ol' chris has been up to, or thinking about today, sort of thing... when it comes right down to it, nothing i write or say is going to really deepen your relationship with God, that's a calibration that's between you and Him... that's my advice for the day, spend more time trying to connect/communicate with God in solitude, and in everyday life, i don't know that i really have much to offer... words and websites are no substitute for living life, and doing the hard work necessary for personal-growth, and to make the world a better place, currently, and for future generations... if you are the type of person that requires new goals for the new year, read the last few lines again... how can you make the world a better place, not some new capitalistic/opportunistic way to feed your ego or grow your wealth, but a real genuine way to help nourish creation... even seemingly tiny things can make a big impact on God's creation... i'm also soliciting ideas of ways that i can do the same, like i said, this blog-thing is mostly a process of personal and spiritual discovery and evolution, it's what i call 'writing therapy', and it's some history for my off-spring... so take it for what it's worth; i'm not totally down-playing some of my ideas or opinions, or suggesting that there isn't any baby in the proverbial bath-water, but i suck at a bunch of things--i'm 54 and i don't even know how to sleep yet--and all of my accomplishments, credentials, and history are really just things that helped make me who i am today, an unconditioned, balding, grumpy, middle-aged son of the most high God, and really doesn't know a whole lot about a zillion things... maybe i'm getting senile already, the older i get the less i really know, or maybe i'm just becoming more aware of how little i really know, it's probably something like that.  -- ct

 12-19-23:  i feel like a kid again, opening a long sought-after gift (gun parts), and the icing on the cake... the stickers, baby... you used to get stickers when something scary/shitty happened, i.e. going to doctors, or dentist... but when you get the stickers along with something that's awesome, holy smokes... all jokes aside, i have no idea what to do with these stickers, stick them on the laptop lid, or the hard gun-case maybe, if i still lugged-around a diaper-bag i could have put them on it... i'm disappointed in the trigger, and the extended mag-release, but everything else is good... they might be decent after a break-in period, otherwise, they'll end up in a spare-parts bin... i've had some decent luck with < $100 triggers in the past, but this one is gritty, despite it being factory honed and plated, plus the grease... bummer... i'll be able to finish the lower when the grips arrive, still need to find a local weld-shop that will touch the titanium compensater, it's a job that will take longer to prep than actually weld... the things we do to satisfy the BATF... i've already resolved that i'm not going to build a 'perfect AR', and also made sure that i'm not confusing it with a race-gun, i want to keep the weight down, but not trying to make a perfectly balanced rifle... i might turn my favorite lower receiver into a race-gun down the road, even though i have no motivation to compete, but that's a project for another day, and--who knows--maybe one of the kids will want to compete, time will tell. -- ct

 12-19-23 later: shortly after i made the distinction between a long-life battle-gun, and a race-gun, i went and blurred those lines, maybe it's an OCD thing, i just haaad to swap most of the lower-pars between the new rifle, and the pistol... the new riffle is really sweet now, it's got the trigger which i judge all other triggers by, the mag release that i prefer, and the ambi mag-release on the other side, they are all on the newer build now... after it's assembled, i'll just have to tune the gas-block, and it will be a soft/sweet shooter... i won't even screw around with iron-sights, just an eotech to finish it off... feeling optimistic about the new build now, looking forward to finishing it, as well as the four other builds, eventually i'll finish them all, but the money doesn't grow on trees... after the 5.56, the .300blk pistol, the 18' .308 , the 16' 7.62x39 builds are done, there will be an 8.6blk pistol, a 16' .308, a 6.5 creedmore, a 14.5' 300blk rifle, and then i don't know after that, something else that's both cool, and useful, unless the Admin dis-allows ARs, then i'll work on lever-action, bolt-action, and shotguns, but now i'm all about the E. Stoner semis... starting to think of what features/targets i'd like to set-up when we move, basically range-design... geography and local ordinances will dictate constraints, but if we end up with ample-acreage then what would i want to include, i don't personally feel like i need to shoot over 500yrd, but maybe some days you want to put the .308 and the 6.5 to the test, and 1000 yrd doesn't seem very unreasonable... if i had to settle for a small 100yrd range i would, but i think 500 would be pretty sweet... right now i'm just day-dreaming, i can't plan/design anything without knowing the exact property, just day-dreaming i suppose.  --  ct

 12-15-23:  the weird weekend begins... according to my simple noggin, the chaos and emotional turmoil isn't the grieving and actual funeral and burial, it's the extra chores involved, the things/responsibilities/chores/rituals/customs that we do in preparation for the ceremonies... some folks are 'planners', i are not, most certainly not, i am completely void of that gifting... ceremonies and events are interesting, important, and sometimes even necessary; i look at practical-life after the ceremony/events, ceremonies and events are mostly shows/facades, they might help folks remember something, but they don't focus on practical-reality for survivors, they can, but they usually don't... sometimes they are meaningful, other-times pomp and circumstance, spectacle, fluff, sugar-cookies, nothing-burgers, ego-stokers... i don't like 'events' very much, i like the real talk, conversations, and action plans that come after the events... events exhaust me, sometimes it's over-simulation, or ADD, or me questioning the actual significance of the event... i don't know when i got this boring, but somehow, eventually it happened... i got old, dull, boring, and seemingly anti-social... actually i'm not anti-social at all, i just prefer authentic/organic interaction/conversation, maybe with a little music and silliness thrown in too, maybe over a good fire, or good food... anyhow... it's the spectacles/distractions/stimuli of certain organized things that weird me out, exhaust me, or provide an opportunity to disassociate from my perception of chaos... if we are actually sensors--or, sensor-controllers--then i'm one of the sensors that doesn't work well under certain conditions, maybe i'm an inconsistent one... sometimes sparking a doo-bee helps manage sensory over-load, sometimes it don't... i've got some CBD-chews to help settle the noggin/nerves, after all of the driving is behind me, at least they will help with some inflammation...

 ... not looking forward to this weekend, remembering our ancestors/deceased is important, especially the good ones... Richard was one of the good ones... i'm looking forward to listening to folks who will do their best to honor him in their own special way, but not looking forward to some people's reactions to grieving/reality, or the details and expectations of how some folks express their respect/love, and how much that aligns with reality... i'd rather hole-up alone somewhere for the ceremony, and present after it's done to help with life/continuity after the emotional dust has settled... the soul has moved onward, and the survivors have new needs... this might all just be me complaining about how impatient i am, i dunno, probably, maybe... i'm a world-class complainer, and can certainly be impatient about certain things sometimes... praying for the grieving folks, and that i'll be useful for people's spiritual, and physical matters, while not completely depleting myself of those requirements.  --  ct

 12-15-23 later:  traffic was a pleasure/easy, got in the city, in and out of the airport, now in another state altogether... i've got something going on in the sinuses, my left side is pretty clogged/congested, i can feel/hear my heart beat from my left ear, it's so congested i hardly notice the tinnitus, which is pretty strange... Laura is doing pretty good tonight, we got the whole team/band/family back together again, so she ought to be... my left ear sounds like the ultra-sound thing they did of my heart... swish, swish, swish... maybe it's a swoosh swoosh swoosh sound, i dunno, but it's annoying, it's more annoying than the tinnitus thing, there is pressure somewhere in the ear/noggin, hope it's not infected, weird... i ate McDonalds tonight on the way to the airport, i'm doomed... it was Laura's idea, and she's sharing the bed with me, so let's see how good of an idea it was in a few hours, we might be cursing the golden-arches, time will tell.  -- 

 12-12-23:  i think i shot myself in the foot, not literally, but it seems that titanium requires the type of welding that the local gun-shop guys don't do... so i'm going to have to research who might be able to do that, son-uva-gun, pain in me arse... the ATF won't settle for high-temp loc-tite, they are a bit picky about details... who can weld a drop of something on top of a hunk of titanium, over a recessed roll-pin near 03858, time will tell, it's only a problem if i was in some rush, now i need to accept the reality that i need to do some work, my expectations were proven to be faulty, mere assumptions... stupid titanium.  --  ct

 12-12-23 later:  my heads been a million miles away today, i haven't been very present... it's a day that would have been better served staying in bed, some where quiet, where you can meditate... i had a couple of good hours today, otherwise, it was sort of a quiet-worship/psalmy kind of day... the folks who lead us in worship tonight helped me a bit, they did their part, God did His, and i got to drift off into a galaxy far far away for a few songs... it's hard to beat fellowship with authentic folks, i appreciated the laughter too, i think i needed some... today was a good day to write a psalm, sing the blues, disassociate a bit to press into God, let Him minister to my soul... that's what today was a good day for, but i only did a little of that, i mostly just disassociated, and let my thoughts drift in the clouds... having some negative anticipation for this weekend's events, i think they call that anxiety, maybe a little anxiety is to be expected for a funeral.

 12-09-23:  this personality test thingy is bugging me now, INTP, the novelty is about gone, and i'm beginning to get sick of all of the questions and email regarding the topic... seems like the determining factor is that 'T's like being part of a structure, and the rules that go with it... 'J's like creating structures and question the rules of existing structures -- i straddle that fence depending if there is an organization that i like, and could use some help, otherwise, i'm usually content being a sub-contractor, out-sider... i don't deal with feeling/needs to be accepted at a relational-level that some folks require, it helps to know that you are weird, and how that weirdness can affect relationships and social-engagements, i don't do well with noisy-distracting settings, so i usually avoid them, self-awareness is pretty useful sometimes, many times, most of the time... i don't mind being indirect help, but won't assert myself sometimes, even when i'm surrounded by idiots (i'm usually the village idiot, so it's weird being surrounded by them), i tend to withdraw from gaggles and cluster-fvcks, maybe it's laziness, maybe apathy... i don't fully get it, or, understand that about myself, not yet... i think sometimes i want those whom are inflicted with the Dunning-Kruger 'syndrome' to learn/understand as much... this is all a stupid really... actually, maybe it's good therapy, either way, i have to run out for a bit... cheers. -- ct

 12-09-23 an errand and cup of coffee later:  the 'I' to 'E' transition never worked, i'm a somewhat well-adjusted introvert that needed some confidence, and had to start doing uncomfortable things that don't feel natural... the confidence waivers many times, and i'm reduced to a disassociated little autistic boy, i'm not poking at autistic folks, i'm being serious, and i touch on that particular spectrum myself... i have no problem getting/staying/lost in my little disassociated world, i can stay there, happily, until i have to pee, or something... as grumpy/frustrated/grinchy as i present, i'm not anti-social, i jut prefer to engage with decent folks that aren't being selfish-assholes when i engage with them, and i go through various sensory-overloads the more folks present, or the later in the day it gets... that's a chunk of the introvert... now, what i'm thinking about, and which galaxy my head is circling when i'm alone in a quiet place, usually just weird, my head is making all kinds of connections/associations of different things/experiences, sometimes about the fabric that you are wearing, ambient temperature and noise level, probably some of the projects i'm working on, and a zillion questions... that's why i'm typically quiet, my thoughts are too manic/eclectic to do well in events that extroverts operate better in... the more big-egos and ass-holes that are present the further south i go, i usually don't mind folks going through a temporary ass-hole phase/season, but the egos get under my skin in a hurry, the folks whose confidence in their own understanding/perception/skills, and sense of reality, which--again--Dunning-Kruger observed, when you're in such a state of denial about the accuracy of your own perceptions that you are completely unaware of your own blind-spots/ignorance/deficiencies... c'mon, you know what i mean, i can only take so long of that... some times you tell someone when they are being an idiot, sometimes you don't... there is an intelligence/discernment necessary for dancing on that edge, sometimes i have it, sometimes i want to punch someone in their stupid nose... sometimes it's better to stay in my house, and just write... sometimes i have to engage with other people, sometimes i want to, most of the time i don't...

 ... i don't always like tests, surveys, methodology used to analyze the answers to very generalized, or, poorly-worded questions that leave you eenie-meenie-miney-mowing between two appropriate answers... self-awareness is good, but that requires embracing reality, and some folks just don't want to go there, ego and denial is a more comfortable/natural state of existence, when healthy transparency and authenticity is replaced by a preferred image/persona/delusion... i know that life gets much more depressing and difficult when i'm stuck in a season like that, approaching reality again is the only logical solution toward positive growth... now do you see, you see why i hate these stupid tests they get me thinking about my personality-type, to a fault, as usual per my 'personality-type'... stupid tests, what do they know... the correct answer is 'nothing', they are a bunch of symbols on some media, someone has to interpret them, give their answers, and then they require proper discernment from the person who analyzes the results (a bunch more of symbols-polygons-shapes)... now there you go... the last few posts ought to give you as much information as necessary to accurately interpret my personality-type... maybe it validates the results of some old tests i took decades ago, i dunno... the one thing that most of these tests don't do, is predict, they understand human-nature, but they never accurately predict how you will respond to intuition, the leading of the Holy Spirit, how you respond to specific stimuli under specific conditions... i sort of dance the line between intuition and logic (life includes faith sometimes), sometimes the intuition triggers curiosity, which helps you understand how certain principles apply to certain things, intuition is a bit like a bullshit-meter, it's almost like an emotional nudge, that requires further understanding... stupid tests... now they are confusing the shit out of me... anyways, fortunately i'm confident enough in my relationship with God that most of the personality-type thing is almost completely irrelevant, maybe a good test will hep identify strengths and weaknesses, or shoulds and shouldn'ts based on your typical reactions to stress/stimuli and ability to properly discern reality and symbols to various levels of capacity, but some aspects of tests seem a bit cultish, and don't consider personal-growth/potential/possibility and individual human-evolution... as certain priorities and perceptions change, so does some of our behavior/personality/words/actions/deeds, etc... stupid tests, i love you but i hate you... i think every test ended-up telling me i was a big dummy... what do they know, i'm only 5'8, and a buck-seventy-something, stupid tests.  --  ct

 12-09-23 more later:  in order to help my wife work through her grieving, i told her to make me a sammich... i'm gonna chalk this up to a life-lesson, the kind you learn the hard way...

 ... none of that is true actually, it's just some comedic-material, comedy helps me work-through certain things... it's probably too soon for comedy, actually, that's never been an issue for me...

 ... so, the truth is that Laura has been having some difficulty today, i'm just keeping her grounded, partly by being present, partly by giving her space, partly with humor, partly with a hug or two, partly with some 'what can i get you'... mostly with that sort of support, she hit some emotions from the time she woke-up, but she's doing far better than she explained herself to be, she just needs a goofy supportive husband that has her best interest in mind, God is certainly doing his thing too, i'm just being the goof-ball... now where's my frickin sammich... aaaay, ba-da-boom... it's probably too soon for humor... not sorry.  --  ct

 12-09-23 later than before:  seems like grieving is based on transitioning, it's the process of embracing reality, a change of routine, expectations interrupted, an over-load of memories... i happen to suck at it... i sort of understand it, but there are certain changes in life that really mess with me, i'm not good at certain changes/transitions, i deal with the depression thing, not so much at the moment, but sometimes--holy smokes--sometimes i get stuck, over-analyze everything i can possibly think of, see where i probably screwed-up... losing a job unexpectedly when folks are counting on you were some of the triggers, none of those jobs were all that special, so i have no idea why it bothered me so much, maybe it was just some crush/smash to the unbalanced ego, sometimes that happens.  --  ct

 12-09-23 a beer and a piece of pizza later:  i put some of the pulled pork on it too, it's crazy-good, BBQ-pork pizza... so i'm over-thinking a project, the tan (FDE) riffle project, i have the 9.25' hand-guards, and the 12.50' hand-guards... but you know what would be perfect, 10.5', the size they don't make for that model... 10.5 would just cover over the adjustable gas-block, it would give it some added protection/cover, but remain easily accessible for adjusting without taking the hand-guards off, but they don't make that size... the shorter length gives it very good balance/maneuverability, but the longer one protects more of the barrel and front-hand... i didn't think this one through very well... actually--as what's usually the case--the vision evolved, and i considered more factors, unfortunately, after committing to imperfect options... bummer... i'll probably go with the shorter hand-guard for balance-sake, it swings real good... the full gas-block will be exposed, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, just a picky thing, if this handguard were about 1.25 inches longer i'd be so totally stoked, but now i just have something more to complain about, if only everything were perfect... life would be pretty fvcking boring if everything were perfect, wouldn't it... seems that i have an extra hand-guard, seems that i have an excuse for another project, one which has yet to be determined, life gave me some figurative lemons, so i'll just make another rifle, and call it a learning experience, chalk that one up to an educational event... wish they made a 10.5, or 10.75 even, but the 9.25 will have to do... stupid hand-guards, why don't you just come with a 10.75' option, just enough to protect the adjustable gas-block... c'mon man... it's those engineers again, or maybe the designers/shot-callers, they did this on purpose, to mock me... hee Hee HEE... i'm done bitchin about things i can't change, things that are imperfect (just like me), well, at least for now... you stupid hand-guards. -- ct

 12-08-23: is it really friday, what a week... weird events/stimuli really screw with my perception of time, every moment from going to bed Monday night, to right now, it still feels off... maybe it's too many memories that are stirring/resurfacing all at once that get's my noggin spinning, and all weird-like, maybe it's a memory-overload, not a sensory/stimuli overload (which is what i'm more accustomed to), maybe it's knowing that Richard exits in memory and spirit, and not a physical guy that you can share a chuckle with, maybe it's all of the memories that bleed time into some convergence, and overload, it's like you took a trip through time with memories of loved ones... maybe they do have their 'life flash before their eyes', i dunno, i don't know how it all works... but for survivors, we sort of have our memories and experiences come to surface, so many and so fast, we sort of have 'their lives flashed before our eyes', maybe not... probably not, but that's sort of how i've felt, in between the limited moments of sleep, consuming entirely too much coffee, and hovering at various and limited levels of consciousness since Monday night, impaired by caffeine and sleep deprivation and overload/exhaustion... seems like i got a memory overload, while trying to be present for loved-ones, coming to grips with my emotions, and trying to figure out how to keep some forward progress while trying to embrace the moment, and reality... i think that's what i mean when i say that the past so many days have been a blur, they have been, my head has been in the clouds with memories, and the rest of me is trying to pull me back to the moment, back to reality, and the things that a guy needs to keep doing despite the weirdest few days ever... describe this sort of event anyway you prefer, i'm a big dummy, so i can only say that it was just plain 'weird', and that i'm glad Richard is in peace, and that his youngest daughter (and our off-spring), and his widow are doing remarkably well despite the weird week, which is a testament to 'faith', and a relationship with our Father in heaven that is real, and founded in reality, despite what is seen, or unseen... Richard's peace, and his survivor's peace speak volumes of their authentic 'religion'... it's helped settle my soul a bit, witnessing folks that shared his faith rest in peace knowing he still lives, just differently now...

 ... OK, i got to get the ball rolling--day started--, i'm still in PJs, finishing the second mug of coffee, and complaining about the cold-drafty house... i need to go so i can complain about something else, i'm sure there are plenty of complain-worthy things around here, i'll find them all.   --  ct

 12-08-23 later:  i managed to strain the hip, over-extend the wrist, and trash my shoulder... all par for the course these days, even for simple fixes... got the youngest daughter's car fixed, you know, the fan-control thingy that goes into the engine compartment via the passenger-side feet area, behind the glove-box... yeah yeah yeah, that stupid thing... i turned myself into a pretzel to get it finished yesterday, and i'm paying the piper today... feels like i got worked-over by a jiu-jitsu guy, like a few bones need to be popped back into place, and maybe a few bags of ice on some joints... stupid fan speed-control resister-thingy, you're telling me the engineers couldn't have put it eye-level somewhere, good grief... i'm stretching the wrist and hip muscles, i have no clue what to do with the old shoulder, that's probably a surgery for another season, and a source of many/plenty complaints between now and then... stupid shoulder, sorry i trashed you for so many decades, and worked you when i should have rested you, it's mostly self-inflicted, accept for the accident in CO, that was the only trauma, i think.  --  ct

 12-08-23 laterer:  my wife wrote this nice note to her dad, she'll share it in time... part of it was interesting, she mentioned always wanting to marry someone similar to her dad... i don't know how many characteristics i share with him, she could tell you... but, the interesting aspect to that was when i was helping them figure-out some of his old military records... and when he was discharged he had brown hair, brown eyes, 68 inches, and 160lbs... the only difference was five pounds, me being the heavier... so, wow, how about them apples... later in life we shared male pattern-baldness too, and appreciation of comfortable blue-jeans, and sensible shoes/clothes... Laura is a bit numb at the moment, she is spent, trapped somewhere in time, recalling old-memories, and not much interested in the moment... good thing is that she doesn't have too, she's got the time to sort through memories and emotions... i'm here to deal with the present, and contemplate the future, she can chill, and converse with God.  --  ct

 12-08-23 later than before:  there's this guy at church, we spoke for a bit on the Veteran's Day breakfast thing... i dig his sense of humor... we did the military version of sibling-rivalry... after we were done talking, i told him i was trying to think of a 'Navy joke'... he said, 'there aren't any, we are all to serious for joking'... it was something like that... i appreciate a guy with a decent sense of humor, even if he was Navy... hee Hee HEE... that's bit of me in a nut-shell/abstract, i like to be silly, and i appreciate humor... my sister-in-law was talking about 'love languages' when we were gathered the other day... i hadn't thought much about it, i just answered 'being grumpy'... i'm too biased to answer, but humor is definitely part of me, sometimes i use it when i'm freaked-out/stressed, sometimes it's just for entertainment, sometimes it's to make some point, but it's usually reserved for folks that i feel comfortable around, if i'm silly, funny, or goof around with you then i've probably 'accepted you' as a non-threat... i haven't given a whole lot of thought to 'love language', but i suppose humor, and helping if i can, are probably a couple of the ways that i express love... the bible speaks of different meanings for the use of the word 'love', i was pretty certain that the conversation wasn't referring to eros, so i didn't say anything too revealing, but i never gave love-language much consideration... i dunno, i like to make comfort food too, in fact, i'm past due for a batch of chili... i don't think a whole lot about how to express love, but it's probably better than the amount of thought i put into punching someone in their mouth, i ought to be a bit more mindful/purposeful/considerate into ways of expressing love, it's not always easy either, sometimes you express love by extending some grace/forgiveness to someone that's being a temporary jack-ass... now i have to go back and read the 'love chapter', i think it's Romans something or other, low teens maybe... i dunno, but it's the one with the 'Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not...', yeah man that's the one i'm talking about, you got it... those are also some practical examples/considerations of 'love'... i use the word 'consideration' because sometimes all bets are off, and you gotta punch a guy in the nose, and then the practical applications of love are simply knowing when to stop... that part isn't scripture, and i don't profess that it should be, but i'm not as intelligent as Jesus, so i always consider a physical target to strike too...

 ... speaking of which, Jesus had a way of ministering to his disciples/apostles/witnesses, he had a good way of exposing their weaknesses/defenses/sin... i wonder what He'd say to me, how he'd cut to the chase, and expose the things that i actually need to give my attention to, what i don't need to spend so much time/priority/energy on, what is folly, what is redeeming... i wonder how he'd get through to me... probably not a punch to the fore-head, unless that's how much of a dummy i'm being, that i'd require one, or more... some other guy from church posted some meme that mentioned a similar concept, but through the filter of the three 'ghosts' of 'A Christmas Carole', the ghosts giving you personal life-lessons, and open your eyes to the consequences of your actions... maybe it's something like that, it's like an impartation of wisdom via dreams, instant life-lessons, and coaching/mentorship/counsel... wonder how it would happen to me if were direct counsel from Jesus, if i were one of the folks who walked and talked with Him... i would hope that it would start with something like 'Duuude, let me tell you a little story...'  --  ct

 12-07-23 later:  i should be having some decent gun-therapy in the next few days, the gas-blocks and tubes have shipped... i really hate pinning the tubes to the blocks, i'll have to look-up some tricks of the trade, aka Youtube, and see how more stable people do it, i need to keep extra pins around, because it never goes right the first time, and the first pins will look like chards by the time i'm done trying to make them comply/fit... i never liked dealing with the stupid little pins... i should have ordered extra pins with the tubes... what was i thinking... enough of that, i have to plan for success, not expecting failure, but reality/experience tell me i should have ordered some extra pins too, stupid gas-tube pins... anyways, looking forward to moving both projects along, chipping away at them, it's a bit rewarding when you finish a project, and the final result shoots soft and predictible, the 5.56 is going to be sweet, the .300blk is just making use of old parts, and a crazy sale on a blemished match-grade 416 5r barrel from Faxon in the spring (i think)... i'm a bit concerned that the 556 will be on the heavy side, and, since i'm having the muzzle-device pinned and welded (to satisfy BATF's laws), once you get the barrel-nut on, you are committed, i already committed to Aero Precision's enhanced-upper, and bought the heavy/tank hand-guard, and they use a proprietary barrel-nut, so i'm feeling a bit of anxiety/remorse that i made a decision (a series of them) that i'll regret... i'm sure it will shoot great, and last a long time, but i don't know how the over-all weight, or balance will be with it... i don't intent on competing with it, i'm just getting older, and appreciate a lighter tool now-a-days... i picked a titanium compensater, that will help a bit with weight, but i might go with carbon fiber hand-guards on a future build, and maybe a 16' 223 wylde get-up, i want it to be light, and swing/maneuver quickly... who knows, maybe i'll be pleasantly surprised, and the 556 thats almost done, will exceed my expectations--that would be a joy... really hoping our next home will have enough property to shoot in the backyard... once we have the space to shoot, i'll start buying and building suppressors, there seems to be plenty of really good options today... something light-weight, that will yield hearing-safe noise-levels can go well under 1k now, you use to have to assume >1k for something close to those expectations... i'll have to build at least one at some point, i don't mind going through the ATF's form-1 once we've moved, and i won't have to be concerned with inter-state travel restrictions just for hearing-protection, you got to get them engraved and everything... i have a simple design in mind, it won't be great, but i think it could get a 308 safe-hearing noise-level, which is all you should ever expect from a real 'silencer', they don't silence anything, but a decent one can be fired without wearing ear-plugs... i'll cross that bridge after we move, projects for another year... and i'll buy a couple after we move too, i'd like something for the 458scm, something for a 308, something for 5.56, and something for 22lr... if i form-1 something for a 308, and it doesn't work very well, i could use it exclusively for the 300blk, they don't need a lot of help to stay hearing-safe, but the 308 will probably need something built by pros in order to do so, unless my design surprises me... i'm a full-blown geek, so i want to form-1 something down the road, i like a good hands-on project... actually the ATF could probably tell me if my design will be any good before they approve it, but i don't think they do that, but hey, maybe for an extra fifty bucks or so, they could offer design consulting/tweaking/suggestions too, maybe the ATF should expand their offerings... you know 'permission granted, but that's really going to suck, buddy, the baffle-angles are all wrong, and you want them spaced differently too... those BATF folks could tell you if you're wasting time, or if you'll appreciate the fruits of your labor, they could at least send you 'best-practices', or 'tips' along with the tax-stamp... it's just good customer-service to do so... wouldn't that be sweet, when they approve you to build your 'can' they help you improve your design... or, they send you a letter saying... 'sorry, we cannot approve your design as submitted, however, if you were to decrease the angle of the chamber dividers a few degrees, then you got yourself a deal, no need to send anymore money, and happy shooting buddy'... that would be the best government customer-service ever, ever, ever... i've met some folks that work for the ATF, the ones that i met actually have a good sense of humor, hopefully i get one of those folks to review this post, and hey, maybe they'll even put my idea in the box outside of the conference room... i'm very pro second amendment (all of them actually), but i'm not ready to die on a hill over current laws, i'll pay the fees, and go through the processes/steps when the time is finally right to get some hearing-protection, probably shortly after we move... with all that said, i'd pay the money for some Sure-fire cans if i had the money, but you don't need to spend that much for a decent suppressor these days, you add the $200 and the price obviously goes-up, then, with my proposed fifty-dollar ATF 'consulting fee', i dunno, i could build a decent can, and get it all legal for $400 - $600, that's for titanium, light-weight... so what do you ATF folks think, do we have a deal? They will eventually get some of my money, i'll probably do a couple of SBRs too, someday... i'd love to keep my 5.56 a true 14.5' barrel without paying a $200 fee, plus the engraving, plus the extra travel-restrictions, but that's not how it works, so for a crummy 1.5 inches i get the barrel pinned and welded, it's so stupid... i never would have even contemplated getting a 14.5' 5.56 if it were for the military adopting the m-4, that's when i scratched my chin, and said 'hmmm a 1/7 twist chf 14.5' barrel for a 5.56 nato round... hmmm', and now, i'm jumping through hoops to satisfy legal requirements to finish making my vision/version of one... it's almost done, i'll probably break it in during the Spring, the vision will come to fruition, and i'll poke holes through paper-plates like you never imagined, with a sweet-shooting AR that should give me some idea of an m-4's performance/capability, i didn't cheap-out on the barrel, i got a good one (i think FN made them for Spike's Tactical), so it ought to be pretty close in capability, but mine is a free-float design, so it's already better than an m-4 ;-)... i don't think you want to be anywhere near the muzzle of a 14.5 barreled 5.56, the concussion must really suck... i picked a muzzle-device that you can add a quick-attach blast-shield, the shield plus the compensator ought to make it much more pleasant than a standard-issue m-4... i'm just a few more parts and procedures away from finishing that project... i can't justify paying for an A-cog, i'll probably just get an Eotech to top it off, the a-cog would add some authenticity, and about a thousand more dollars that i can't justify spending, the a-cogs are pretty heavy too, but also pretty sweet in their own rite... OK, i'm satisfied, i've gotten my gun-therapy in for the day, with no shots fired, and only offending one or two federal agents... eventually i offend every agency, so long as they don't have a sense of humor, or appreciate reality.  --  ct

 12-04-23:  how many more days until Spring, or that ground-hog thing, i'm already cold and December is just beginning, the short hair-cut does that to me, there's never a good time to cut your hair when it's cold outside, i've been wearing more hats, but shouldn't have to around the house... anyways, i'm ready for April/May, wonder what location on the southern hemisphere i'd have to live to be experiencing the spring right now, it's fixing to get hot around there pretty soon, i'm sure, we'll be importing their fruits and veggies before long, i'm sure i won't be eating them though... having a 'grass is always greener' moment, and questioning why i still live at this latitude, it's fixin to get cold around here, and i could do without all of that... by the way, if i thought keeping the critter from seeing it's shadow would bring the warmer weather sooner, i'd shoot it before it had a chance to see anything, and we'd be eating furry-critter for supper... it's sixty-five and sunny somewhere, but not in Rockingham county, not 'til about May, or so... i'm a world-class complainer, so pardon my therapy. --   ct

 12-04-23 later: having some good conversation with my daughter, helping her out with editing, and organizing information... it's no surprise to anyone that i despise proper grammar, and/or, punctuation... no offense to organized language, but if no one talks like that than it's just a presentation... she understands her errors, and argues her perspectives many times, but, unless you are trying to communicate to proper-folks, who require proper/precise vocabulary, grammar, punctuation, don't bother with the presentation, just be thorough... i understand the rules, and spot errors and suggest changes, but it doesn't mean that i like to abide by that myself, i'm not a part of any industry, and only conform to some of them when working on some projects... i make no effort to impress anyone, and many folks don't require the technical, or fancy presentation... sometimes you have to, but it's a stumbling-block to a guy with ADD, and some other oddities, if it doesn't sound like me talking then i don't bother to write that way, i learned that from the popularly-phrased 'business casual', it's typically quick, to the point, and doesn't leave much room for ego/personality, i also learned that from managing folks with English as a second-language folks, you can write pretty simple, to the point, cutting out the nonsense, and most folks can understand you with elementary english skills, i usually to stick to easy key-words... i learned how to write instructions for the fleet of drivers, most of them were smart, they just needed non-fancy instructions, probably because their native-language isn't littered with fluff/noise/entertainment, if they didn't understand the instructions they weren't capable of safely/successfully doing a stressful job, like appeasing google, and their customer's expectations, while navigating the streets of Boston, it's surrounding communities... so, my daughter understands her mistakes, and she's beginning to understand why i write the way that i do, proper rules, and fancy words are pretty cool and all, but most folks don't converse like that unless they are straight-up geeks, or folks forced to used a specific subset of vocabulary... i don't speak other languages very well, i suppose i understand english pretty well, but i always hated learning new jobs, and the specific/controlled vocabulary they use, that could be a pain in the neck for me... that's my way of saying that i think the world should conform around my preferred language/vocabulary, you know, the easy kind, but that's not quite how it works... anyhow... i'm not interested in Composition... normally, i like to learn from her classes, but i'm no longer interested in fancy presentations, function over form is my preference, i'm too lazy, and/or, unintelligent for the form part... save that for the pros... despite my bumps/bruises/warts/knobs of a writing-stye, i've managed to motivate some folks to take-up their own form of writing... i do a shit-ton of complaining, and can get pretty darn nasty with some of my political opinions, and i don't recommend doing that, unless you are capable of stomaching the repercussions, but writing as therapy, as history, as education, as a study... well, after years of hating to write, it turns out that stuff is pretty useful... i encourage you to write, i sort of need to do it to continue formulating thoughts, to organize all of the stress/stimuli and information that i consumed... if you have to write as part of your work, then good for you, keep exercising it, if you don't like writing, so what, try it anyway... many times i sort of pray as i write, that's much of my motivator... plus, my off-spring may be interested in what sort of a person i was someday, some people are interested in family history, i'm not interested in doing a DNA check for ancestry/history-sake, so, my legacy will have to read rather than submit a specimen to learn about paternal stuff... got some stupid chores to do now, dishes and laundry, then it's dinner time, so i'm done writing... probably get a podcast going, and get my kitchen-chore thing going on... stupid chores.  --  ct

 12-03-23:  up before dawn, birds, and anyone else in the house, it's a cold morning, so the coffee is extra good... looking forward to hearing today's word/sermon/teaching... i'll probably do so hanging with the hospitality and security folks today, it's unarmed security, so don't read much into my firearm posts, it's completely unrelated... it's a weird conundrum, i'm internally wired for security, but no one pays me enough to protect them with tools/firearms... so, in this case i'm more or less a presence, the kind that hopes he doesn't have to take a few bullets... actually, my role is probably similar to my Grampa's gig, when i visited him down in FL after he retired, he took up a retirement-job, he sort of 'protected' the residents of the community, from the seat of a golf-cart, which he required a moment or two to enter/exit when the needs presented themselves, you know, just give him a moment please... miss you Gram-Pa Joe, glad you never stopped moving... or maybe more like Mickey Rooney in his character at 'Night at the Museum'... i'll bite your ankles, you fluffer-nutter... actually, i think they just want someone that's a bit aware of their surroundings, and thinks about safety sorts of things, and offers assistance, and service with a smile, maybe they figured me out pretty quickly, my resting bitch face is generally reserved for being alone, or deep in thought, the smile only pops-out occasionally, naturally, when i'm around decent folks... the funny thing is, this church seems to be full of very capable people, you might be surprised by some of their talent, at least i was... it's hard to know what i can really offer them as a cog in the organization, but doing chores, customer-service, and security all come naturally, so there you go, actually, i hate chores, but no one seems to like to do them, so i just shut-up and do some of them... God knows i've been spiritually hibernating for quite some time, the revival triggered by the covid-war was instrumental to waking my lazy-ass up, it poked an old sleeping bear, for that i am grateful... the body fades as the soul is awakened... it's pretty awkward actually, it's like learning to walk all over again, fifty years later than the first time, but your muscles/tissue is weakening now, not developing... anyhow... God bless you, as you go about your business, or refrain from it today... may God meet you where you are at, and give you peace, but it's up to you to slow down and receive it, you have a part to play too, if you dig God, you are an 'active participant' in the greatest relationship the world could ever know... the world has plenty of 'pre-contemplative to contemplative' folks looking for meaning and purpose, but you are an active participant, so be awake, alert, sober, and sensitive to God's Spirit and leading... i'm probably just reminding you of this stuff, that's sort of what i do, state the obvious, remind you of things that i forgotten, and finally remembered again sometime later... OK, time for another coffee, and a shower. -- ct

 12-03-23 later:  yeah man, church and stuff... i've got to watch the sermon video, my mind was on a few other things at the time... i like James, i can sort of relate to him in a bunch of ways, i think it's an introvert thing, and an ADD thing, plus he teaches, but the literal/formal kind... i followed along with his essay here and there, and even offered an 'amen' at one point that really hit home, so, i like the video option, if for no other reason than i get easily distracted, and usually miss something... which is partly a hyper-vigilant safety-conscious thing that i don't have a great way of regulating, it's kind of the 'sheep dog' thing that some folks are inflicted with, an introvert needs time to recover from paying attention to too many things... that's the only reason why security comes easy/natural, because you don't know how to shut-off the threat-o-meter sometimes, making myself useful in between threats and needs is part of the struggle, a life-long one for me, there are worse problems, i'm grateful i can still wipe my own ass, and spell my own name, but some days those are huge accomplishments, and aren't guaranteed for ever, or at all, really...

 ... it's cold and rainy in Rockingham county, thankful for a warm/dry house... right now i've got solitude, some spinach-quiche to reheat, and a pumpkin-beer to wash it down with... life is good, my friends, today i proclaim that life is good... tomorrow it might serve-up a shit-sammich though, so i'm enjoying the joy in simple things, the beer is pretty good, and the quiche was cafe'-quality, actually, i let the top get waaay too dark, i need to ask my aunt Mary some more quiche tips/techniques again, the taste and texture were spot-on, but the top didn't look desirable at all, i give it a 33-percent minus/off for horrible presentation, but when you peeled that layer back, it's like a little touch of heaven, it makes the mouth smile... i think a decent quiche can trigger dopamine, it's got to be scientifical fact, or something, i'm quite sure of it... you know, 'comfort food'... good old egg-pie.  --  ct

 12-01-23:  happy december, it's only 20-something more shopping days left until... sorry, i'm not going to be one of those ass-holes... call this season whatever you may, it's blessing-season, charity-season, being blessed season, family-and-friend-season, checking in with folks that may be struggling season, folks who won't/don't ask for help, maybe remember/consider the mission of Jesus from Nazareth season... but, advertisement-fueled manic-compulsive over-shopping is a stress that no one needs to take on, so don't go listening to any count-downs that pressure you (turn the radio or TV off, and delete the daily email), especially if you are having difficulty meeting your own needs, or schedule, without the extra giving, or committing to too many extra responsibilities... when taking on extra responsibilities remember that it's also the season for unexpected cars/mechanical/home-repairs, at least it is in the cold and over-salinated north-east... there will be accidents, unexpected tragedies, those things happen too over the holidays, and winter... but, when it's on your heart, try to be a blessing to others this season, if you can't, don't sweat it, when you are healthy enough you will probably be able to do so, may God restore your soul, health, and resources as you navigate the metaphoric 'valley of the shadow of death', if you are in need, or grieving, reach-out to someone, please, don't repeat my mistakes of silent suffering, if you require a miracle, reach out to someone, sometimes miracles require hard-work and life-style changes, and other things which involve aligning with reality, maybe better opportunity, some sort of opportunity to help facilitate necessary life-style changes, opportunity that involves wok and commitment, but you are capable of... i'm one-hundred percent convinced that i still live too close to city-hive, this life-style no longer makes any sense to me, it seems too distracting and hypocritical, there's entirely too much to fuss over, rather than going about things that i know are more important in life... it took a long time to understand, come to grips with that, that i've been neglecting the introvert, and abusing the ADD, and now require more peace and quiet to restore some health--living on main street for almost a decade has made that painfully aware/clear... not sure what struggles the reader is wrestling with, when you can articulate/identify them in between the emotions and distractions, and how much of those priorities you have some-to-none control over, it's good to identify those things when you can... i was pretty much useless during a few periods of depression, earned little-to-zero income, but was somewhat paralyzed with emotion/numbness/grief, my wife identified our family's physiological needs, and sought help for them, but i was so deep in some internal/mental-hell that i was pretty much useless, depression sucked when i was single too, which was a long time ago... similar emotions, different needs/motivators/emotions/grieving and needs that are neglected, different factors/details/circumstances... different people have different struggles and obstacles, stressors and distractions, the need to give other things higher priority, and cut back on things that aren't real priorities...

 ... As previous recipients of people's charity/love during organized Christmas-season giving coordination/efforts, that's one particular example of the sorts of things that become obstacles in some folk's lives, and some 'needs'... some folks have obvious physical limitations, and more obvious needs, some folks have family, friends, or community to help with needs, others don't... some folks need help with resources, clothes, food, hygienic supplies/needs... some folks need opportunity, but have limitations/obstacles/challenges to deal with... some folks need some time/labor/company/assistance... some folks are chronically struggling to pay heat, electric, internet, phone bills, rent, groceries, etc... there are lots of creative ways to help folks, to spread a little love and charity; and know that shitty seasons hit everyone eventually, some folks longer than others, and it's helpful to recognize them in yourself, and others to... we started getting the things on 'giving trees' that lots of organizations/groups like to do, we had been recipients, now we are the shoppers, there is joy on both sides... we know of a zillion different people, places, organizations that could use some help/assistance, not sure what efforts/resources we will contribute to, but there is always someone, something in more need of you, or something that could benefit from your time, energy, labor, resources, talents, skills... anyways... never feel pressured to do, or help with anything, don't be pressured by some 'count down', or high-pressure sales tactics, and you might be in more need of receiving than helping this season, so don't feel pressured to have to do anything, but folks that know they are capable of helping, it's not too hard to find people, or groups to help, there are a zillion different ways to help, just look, you'll see.   --  ct

 12-01-23 later:  nothing to write about, just taking a mental break between errands/chores/projects... three stores was three stores too much for me, i hate those chores/errands, but, as a family, we needed items at all three stops, i had the time, and resources to get 'er done, so i did, but it didn't make it suck any less... got to get some dishes done, get some quiches done, get some leaves blown, get some outside clutter dealt with, straighten-out a few things, probably a phone call, or email or two to make/return, windshield-washer nozzles to install... not sure what i'll get to, it certainly won't be all of the above, the first two are priorities, the rest might get some attention, but maybe/probably not, time will tell... a beer, and a podcast will help through the kitchen work, dishes, and quiche baby... dishes, and quiche.  --  ct

 ... single-parent, or otherwise, broken families