04-23-24: this part sucks, but it's also a great opportunity... the part where i need to finish my draft enough to hand it over to the editors and the review team... i didn't do but 2/3 of a semester in college, but i think it's like the day before you turn in your final... you're confident in the content, and factual-basis for your essay, and pretty sure that you presented your points clearly and concisely, and that it's sooo good that the grading professor will be left speechless for hours, and their lives changed for the better from that moment on... that's the part where Dunning and Kruger are kicking the sh1t out of me... they be like 'sure there lil' fella, you just submit that prolific-paper of yours, and maybe we take a nice deep fresh breath of clean air -- in through the nose, and out from the mouth -- that way we know you won't be holding your breath very long expecting an A-fvcking-plus', as one of them takes me under his wing, and gives me a lemonade to slurp on... but, that's not really me... I know there are a few parts that i really need to re-work, and that's the order of the day... my confidence is pretty shaky with some of it, i'm not an academic sort of guy, so the inner-narrative is much like 'why write stuff that other folks have already written better, more concisely, more thoroughly, and with far greater insight???' Probably because i can, and i have to get pressing issues out of my head or they bother me too long... part of me thinks everyone has the capacity to teach something to other folks, I am a father that actively engaged in my children's upbringing and mentorship, so the teaching isn't a formally-taught skill, it's something that i had to learn after being thrown in the fire -- so to speak -- with family, and doing some training as part of a couple of my jobs... i mostly hated school, so it's quite odd that i'd be trying to teach at all, maybe it's some form of meta-physical punishment and humor, for all the hard times i gave my educators, and their bosses... an then there is also this sort of Jonah-complex which is simply a form of denial and avoidance... i'm a guy that many former mentors notice some of my potential, and did things like assume, expect, prophecy that i'd me a church leader/minister/pastor, one even said 'an apostle of Love', that was pretty groovy proclamation... and recently, when God seemed to be 'activating me' (sorry for crude words/description), part of me felt much like a fool running from God, but maybe screaming something far less biblical, probably something like 'fvck that, people are fvcking crazy... how is it that the most unconventional guy that i know (me) would be able to teach anyone anything about things which are 'unseen'!!! that country song that goes 'God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy' has been my motto for years... my Jonah-complex is probably something like that... believe it or not, Joe Rogan has been helping me through his ministry (his podcast is literally a modern-day ministry whether anyone recognizes that or not)... Joe encourages people to do difficult things (exercise), to do things that are uncomfortable... there is a confidence that comes with being sensitive to God's spirit, but what to do with the knowledge is the scary-part, especially coming from a weird guy like me... sometimes i can articulate myself really well, other times i get anxious and over-whelmed... i feel something between the running prophet, and the crying prophet, mixed in with a 'swearing prophet', that doesn't seem to fly with the Christian-church, so i might seek credentials else-where, and might even take-up comedy to be able to explain reality to different folks who aren't really interested in church... the first church that i attended as a brand-new Christian was a bit over-the-top on the spiritual stuff, but not so great in training up new leaders... that's one of the problems of today's church as well... noticing someone's potential, but not doing sh1t about it... i couldn't be anymore clear example of a future church-leader that's not being encouraged or mentored by current leadership, they are too busy doing their own 'ministry' that future leaders have to go elsewhere to learn/train, or earn any labels/credentials... the problem with the current church is that they are too short-sighted, and assuming/delegating/forfeiting the training and mentoring of their new peers, or for their replacements... church leaders aren't thinking with sustainability in mind, they forget that it's their job to train-up their replacements (sustainability), but instead are desperately trying to motivate the 80-percent of the congregation that desires to be spoon-fed each sunday, which has presented the leaders with every opportunity to inherit the frustration that comes from putting too much eggs in one aspect of ministry... they don't know what they don't know, and their blind-spots are coming to light... Joe Rogan is helping me more with leadership preparation than any church-leader to date, and Rogan isn't speaking to me at all, he just preaches truth from his pod-casting pulpit... churchy-folks seem to be capable of understanding reality through a narrow-vale/filter, through the vocabulary endorsed by old king james himself... i think i just have to keep doing ministry as it presents in small little ways, and assume that this current church is nice and all, but probably not for me for the long-term, they don't know how to help me grow into a church-leader, they are more interested in me cleaning-up and helping organize some things, and doing chores that leaders won't do themselves, while asking and expecting me to support their unsustainable cycle of trying to meet their own needs and satisfy their own expectations... i think that's part of the problem with the church as a whole... their creativity is trapped/limited behind a filter of old king james dogma, routines, vocabulary... the new church in Newton is pretty good, they mostly preach the right messages, but they don't know what they don't know either... they aren't prepared for revival because they aren't actively training new leaders to help with more people, and are stuck in the mindset that they have to spoon-feed people who aren't being active-participants in spiritual growth and service, they are supposed to be training everyone to be leaders and ministers themselves, but aren't doing leadership and ministry preparation... there isn't enough education being presented other than sunday-lectures, no lab work, besides the exhortations to read through the bible in a year, and read the newsletters, and to support things other people are doing or are the church's current priorities... the new church is pretty good, they preach mostly the right messages, but their current priorities have become blind-spots, and many of the leaders are too spent to really sow into people's future, they are more concentrated on the production quality of their priorities, and pre-cognative participants of reality... the church is a fine example of the manic life-style that people are used to operating in, too busy to do anything really well, which is what happens when your leaders are busy with other other priorities and goals and desires... i like the new church, but i don't know close i'm willing to get to them, they don't seem like they have a sustainable model, and i hate seeing churches implode, but that might be what happens until they calibrate priorities, and are determined to do things well, not just keep doing the same things over expecting different results... i don't want to be part of another church implosion, hopefully i'll have moved on by the time that happens, because i really want to see them succeed instead of implode, but churches fail, it's just how it is... they forfeited so many responsibilities that they aren't capable of seeing their blind-spot, and will keep getting over-whelmed due to narrow-perspectives which don't offer full-spectrum sustainability... their revival is going to come with heart-break too, because they aren't ready for it... it's kind of a bummer