Some of the horrible things or events that happen in our lives we
might have already considered as real possibilities - maybe based on career choices or unhealthy actions and
behaviors... and some of them no one could have seen coming - like maybe a natural
disaster or a horrible accident, or abuse of any kind, or having been deceived for entirely too long... certain
trauma and pain and suffering and emotional distress or stressors, or even a controlled and limited sense of reality is currently happening right now to people that
shouldn't necessarily have to/should-be experiencing a harsh, or otherwise new understanding of reality, which includes the fact that pain and suffering exist, and maybe you have survived such a harsh reality, and most certainly have a new empathy for some of life's more nasty possibilities.
Surviving, and then 'healing' or 'adapting' as much
as possible after grieving/trauma/ontological-shock of many types isn't easy for many folks, in fact, the reality is that you might have to fight like bloody-hell to ever recover enough to maintain a regular sense of peace and wisdom and understanding in our lives... but to the one's who suffer, please consider this, that what happened in the past
isn't going to change, your personal perception of the event will... but what ever happened that rocked-your-world, or rendered
you without arm or limb, or with other traumatic results... or even the
sudden loss of someone impressionable or close... if you want to get as
holistically healthy as possible following the initial experience--or
'the ending of a nasty ordeal', or the loss of certain folks and experiencing nasty situations--well hold on, if we
aren't the one who actually died or under close and near imminent death, well doesn't that mean we are actually and already 'survivors', of course it does, so then we should also consider and appreciate
David Kessler's
contribution to the observations of Kubler-Ross' publication 'On Death
and Dying', Elisabeth observed these typical 'stages' or
reactions that got lumped together as 'grief': Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance
... and then Kessler (who had previously collaborated with Elisabeth) authored 'Finding Meaning', which sort of added more to the 'acceptance'
stage which Elisabeth documented... which was essentially him
learning to do something healthy with yourself after you have
accepted the new reality of your loss or 'trauma', after the smoke/fog of ontological shock has cleared--you see, his son died at an unfortunately young age...
i haven't read his book, but my thoughts are more or less that
accepting reality--how ever brutally harsh as it currently is--and how we
react to what we are now faced with, and how vulnerable or confused or unforeseeable a solution to your obstacles or problems or situations... no mater
how broken or disfigured or heart-broken we are now, even when we find
ourselves struggling just to survive in actual or virtual survival
mode... well, actually surviving trauma, and then choosing to accept loss of
any sorts and getting healthy again--might require an emotional or physical or metaphysical
or 'all of the above' holistic type of 'fight', a fight like there is no tomorrow... when you realize that you are actually in a
fight to adapt and continue on in life with an attainable healthy perspective, but you are still weak in some important facet, then understanding the
sort of help that you might need is important when you do finally humble yourself and ask for
help... this sort of concept relates with the 'stages of change' concept
that a veteran named Jesse was expanding-on the other day, the stages are theorized as:
pre-contemplative,
contemplative, active participation, and finally/hopefully 'maintenance'... working,
or reacting through stages or aspects
of grief require 'active fighting', depending on genetic and
environmental variables the fight be seem more like a logical
educational experience, or it might require a painful recollection, and
almost an 'embracing' the past experiences or events as embedded as they may be...
To state it
differently, we might not even realize it to some degree, but bad stuff
happens every second of every day... people die, people are victimized, deceived, and abused, and bad
things happen to different degrees/difficulties to everyone throughout life... some
people have to fight harder than others just to survive one more
minute, some folks seem to have life a bit easier than others, but no matter who you are 'life is work' my friend... but understand that God doesn't allow us to experience
something that we are incapable of eventually surviving and healing and
growing and changing... and having a better holistic experience in life once again, or maybe for the first time... a painful or
freakishly weird experience should open our eyes and maybe even reveal
to us that evil exists, and bad things, even bad accidents and
circumstances happen to good people... if our life ends in a second then
so be it... otherwise we are 'survivors'... recovering from the painful past must come with
an understanding that there is a fight that needs to be fought, some
folks are better equipped genetically and
environmentally/provisionally, etc., and others have to fight
like there is no tomorrow until relief of sorts comes... relief may
come from a physical helping-hand, or the meta-physical provision that
only God is capable of injecting... it's one thing to sing along with
the song 'God is in Control', and it's another to know that even when the
excrement meets the propeller that there is a new understanding of
reality, a new and unfamiliar obstacle to encounter and overcome, there
is always new growth and development and education and understanding
that is always/still required to continue pushing toward our potential
until the day that we aren't the grieving, but the one that some others have
'lost'...
But to get back
to ptsd, and the concept of trauma, and where trauma meets grief, i would
say that for me it's the 'loss of control', which is a difficult concept for the strong, healthy,
and stubborn to grasp... when a very capable, or healthy person finds
themselves in a situation where we are not able to control the outcome
of an event that is painful and difficult to experience--then the grieving may be the
reality that you aren't as capable, or aren't quite able to control
your own (or someone else's) destiny as you had thought you ought to be
able to... it's eye-opening, it's a new or better sense of reality... a
wake-up call of sorts...
In
my case i can attest to the fact that i don't always adjust well to
situations or experiences, it might take an extraordinary amount of time
to get a decent grasp of something that happened, or to fully process a harsh and unexpected situation that was beyond my conceptual or physical limitations or comprehension... i may not be as well-adjusted, or maybe it just takes me longer to process/compute and adjust to a newer understanding or limitation or new environment or new survival situation... perhaps it's a weak or malfunctioning or inconsistent cognitive ability... i could call it an unfair weakness and get stuck entirely too long into the reactions observed by Kubler-Ross, the Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression stages... or i can choose to fight... and i can move into the 'acceptance' phase of reality, and kindly ask the God of eternity to teach me something from the experience or experiences, and as Kesler said, to find meaning/purpose, or what to do with this new understanding of life and our current situation... it's expected and easy to care for, and to coddle, and to wipe the tears of a child... it becomes more difficult to imagine doing the same for an older a person that requires such intervention and assistance... but older people still require
intervention and assistance
in various ways and capacities... physical, meta-physical, and the mentor-ship and counsel of elders and better equipped individuals are the things which individuals require in various stages and seasons of our lives, human growth and development never ends... despite what you may have learned, you have never 'arrived' or reached your full potential while you still have a breath of air in your lungs.. i have no complete or perfect answer or response to my particular/individual difficulties and struggles, but i know that God is real, he/she/it still has me alive for a reason, and expects me to act like i am still alive... and to keep growing and maturing and exercising all of the gifts and abilities and resources that i have in order to keep fighting the good fight, the fight for existence/survival, the fight for growth and understanding, the fight for moral values... the fight for freedom against enemies that we can see, and those which we cannot... the fight for liberty and freedom to reach as much of my God-given potential and opportunity as possible... you, or the person next to you, or anyone else for that matter is not going to fight my fight for me, God moves others to help and assist and guide and educate as needed, but denial, anger, bargaining, and depression
are not tools and resources that are fruitful if change is to move to the 'active participation and maintenance' stages as are the goals of therapists are realized... if we are still alive then we have access to both God and fellow human, they will both guide and assist, and sometimes even fight for us when we don't feel equipped or strong enough to fight... but to grow we must understand that
denial, anger, bargaining, and depression
are not
sustainable and healthy attributes for survivors who wish to really live, for those who wish to live a life of freedom and liberty and clarity and sobriety...
denial, anger, bargaining, and depression prevent a person from accepting and experiencing reality... sometimes the road to experiencing reality is riddled with potholes and moguls, and valleys and mountains, with good times and bad times... but our own growth and development and experiencing the world beyond our own small/ignorant bubbles requires the ability to adjust to new situations/environments/obstacles and realizing a good thing when we see it, and how to deal with the bad... every situation that we encounter and overcome provides us the chance/opportunity to grow in discernment and wisdom and hopefully even love... a deeper love of God, and a love of those who are capable of receiving and understanding such love, and a better appreciation for our gift of life, life really is a gift... personal experience and a moral compass ought to guide us on a trajectory of positive and moral growth... my advice to the reader, don't give in to the distracting and time-consuming traps of
denial, anger, bargaining, and depression... you might be one of the people like me, the sort that has to fight like hell sometimes in order to become older, wiser, and better adjusted to the life that is going on around us... if you are tired and weary of fighting, if you have no fight left in you, or even if you have no clue how to fight, consider sharing that information with the God that gave you the gift of life... i say it again, that life really is a gift, with it comes potential and resources, asking God to show you what genetic gifts and potential you have, and how to use them and the resources at your disposal for your own good and the good of others is a great step toward grasping reality, and living a life worthy of your time and energy... you can even reach out to me if you think that i can help in anyway, but starting the conversation with God, and choosing to grow beyond pre-contemplative and contemplative stages of change are a great start in the right direction, understanding that we all have to change and adapt and overcome hurdles and obstacles of various types and sizes must be realized by the reader... is it any wonder that John 3:16 suggests a metaphor of being 'born again', and that Jesus the Nazarene said to let the little children come to him... learning to adjust and overcome and experiencing and embracing reality requires cycles and seasons of learning new things, even as humble and needy as a child throughout various stages of our lives... children seek truth and understanding... sometimes adults do too, but sometimes we don't, and sometimes we want to fight like a strong-willed two year old... we may stumble and become distracted and get lazy and quit fighting, those are all to be expected because we do not live in utopian fairy tales full of cuddly puppies and fluffy unicorns, we live in a 'fallen world', a world where we must fight for survival/existence/growth/development... and ultimately, to do and seek God's will as it relates to our lives... don't stop fighting, because no one else can fight your fight for you, we can only assist... if you are still fighting against the reality of God then you might be beyond anyone's help... but there is always the option to change your outlook, and grow and mature, and to seek repentance and reality while there is still time... how we choose to react to reality involves real consciousness.... if you require a freaking red-bull to rise past subconsciousness and wake-up to reality then allow me to buy one for you, but i cannot fight your full fight, sometimes i'm willing to step in for a round or two, but i can only assist you in your own individual fight, so please don't get too lazy or give up... keep fighting to grow and do what you understand is right until your last breath...
12-27-21 Update: ... if a person should find themselves in consistent or deepening unpleasant circumstances or events that are overwhelming, then take a deeper look at the basic pillars to the concept of grieving. some of the idea is that folks respond differently to loss, or loosing someone or a separation or victimization or events or unexpected accidents or other traumas, and maybe even just stuck in an unhealthy or unsustainable lifestyle, maybe just stuck in neutral for entirely too long, go back again and consider further exploration of the words and concepts of
denial, anger, bargaining, and depression
... there are other survival and defense mechanisms that folks who are anxious or depressed of grieving manifest, but E K-R observed, categorized, and presented the basic principles for us... different folks react to different stressors in various (sometimes even predictable) ways... experiencing, each difficult experience that we face in life provides educational opportunities, and can point us to different paths in life, but i want to use the term 'a different form of reality', you just learned a bunch of crappy and sh1tty and hurtful and stressing and real things that can happen in life, whether we knew that those painful and even disfiguring events were possibilities or not, whether we are genetically equipped to handle certain stressors or not, whether we were educationally prepared to handle certain experiences or not, whether your belief or spiritual understanding's allowed for such nasty experiences or not... well those are just some of the factors which explain how and what and why and when and who we grieve, part of the grieving seems to be grieving your own loss in a way, maybe a loss of innocence/naivety to some degree, or a loss of resources, a loss of ego, a loss of freedom, a loss in a foundational understanding of life... the theory of grieving was predicated on human behavior as it related to the understanding that physical death was nigh at hand, it was coming to grips with the reality of circumstances that were unavoidable and possibly painful, it was based on observations of folks that were faced with the reality of dying and death, and whatever seems to be a great loss... sometimes painful events are educational, they are confidence boosters, they provide us the opportunity to understand, overcome, and adapt... they help us grow when we still consider that life is a continual fight for survival, no matter how easy or difficult it seems, life is about human growth and development until the day that we die, we can continue to grow and develop in our hearts and minds, and in all matters of God--even when our physical body is dying and the lantern is dimming... we can choose to fight with all of the fight that we have within us, we can humble ourselves and reach out for help when we think/know that we need it... sometimes we have to take an unbiased look at our priorities or motivators or influencers, and consider if we live in an unrealistic unsustainable venue or lifestyle, or whether we live hypocritically to core-beliefs... there are many things that we can try to learn from painful experiences and traumatic events and other stressors, but, being willing to consider a different perspective, and to receive guidance should never be ruled-out... our brains are incredible things, sometimes they seem to work healthy and efficiently, other times not-so-much... the 'not so much' times require fight to survive, or maybe even the opposite, maybe even giving up and surrendering to 'God's will be done'... sometimes we need the help of one another and better equipped folks for guidance, sometimes we need the help of God and some understanding of 'his' ways and his expectations and resources and gifts and love and strength and unending power... sometimes chemicals/hormones get out of whack in our heads and bodies, and some folks are better equipped to handle those sorts of issues... i'm not qualified to diagnose or treat anything, i'm simply regurgitating information... but when we realize that we are fighting for survival there are plenty of qualified people to help with your immediate health and safety issues, a note of wisdom to the reader--not all 'professionals' allocate wisdom and knowledge to helpful levels, nobody is perfect...
I thought that i'd wait until the end of this post to share more of this story... last September (2020) i found myself in a very consuming and nasty crisis situation, and it escalated until some point in November, which is when i called the Veteran's Crisis line to explain to them why i was going to harm someone as severely as necessary in order to keep them from shutting off the electricity to our home, i had already considered eliminating myself as the primary reason/burden to our family's problems, i had contemplated that idea long enough to realize that i would be causing them more problems than solutions in eliminating my perceived 'problem'... many of my problems haven't been resolved a year later, but my outlook/perspective and desire to seek truth and reality has... the intervention between God and man/woman was enough to keep me in the fight, and with a renewed passion to not only live, but to make better use of the gifts of pain, and the life that i was given... most of the contents of this website journal the recovery of a man in crisis... to reiterate a line from above, 'bad shit happens to most people'... if you have survived a shit-storm then by definition you are already 'a survivor', and if you care to enjoy the gift of your life you may have to fight like nobody's business to make sense of the storm, and how it's fully effected you, how it might have changed you, and what purpose and meaning you can do with your remaining time... getting healthy is a choice, it involves moving from pre-contemplative, to contemplative, and then 'Active Participation'-- which is where we move from survival mode street-fighting, to fighting intelligently... fighting intelligently may involve Godly intervention and human intervention alike, don't dismiss the importance of either... keep fighting my friend, it's a fight worth having... the pits of hell may be calling for you, but the calls from hell may have been the distractions that kept you from hearing the still and soft voice of the one who gave you life, and the love of folks that really appreciate you, and all of the good that's still yours to experience in life... i want to close with a small quote that i just received from an actual brilliant person, i am working under the assumption that she probably doesn't want to be associated with this crappy little platform and the crude words and perspectives of a simple stranger, so her name is withheld
only for that reason... but her wisdom applies to the post above, so please read and contemplate:
'the current situation is very disheartening. It may even be a lock. We
must work under the assumption that we can and will win this'... those are the words of a woman with intelligence and
conviction
and fight and determination, maybe she can inspire you too...
12-22-21 UPDATE:
"The pandemic reinforced our lack of control over many aspects of life.
If we could accept that reality and learn to go with the flow,
perceiving unexpected moments as challenges rather than catastrophes
would allow us to experience more enjoyment in life"
G. Plorkowski
...
consider the following video which re-enforces the theory of 'going with the flow' ... 'i ride the waves i can't control and i'm learning how to be/build? a better boat' cries the heart of the singer-songwriter... or maybe you appreciate
chesney's smooth voice...
12-20-21 UPDATE:
consider this video, it's a short question and answer between some very smart folks, so some of it may include obscure vocabulary.
...consider the words of encouragement written to a young man in US Marine's boot camp just prior to the final stage of training:
When things feel impossible you must dig
down to the depths of your soul to
continue... sometimes you get the
most help from God when you have to
dig down deep into your soul for
strength and motivation and knowing
what to do next.… God is with you,
Be strong and courageous and keep
focused, be aware of your situation
and environment, and don't lose focus
on the mission and on all of the things
that you've learned along the way, you
learned a lot of stuff in a hurry, you will
remember it when you need to, just
don't let nerves steal your focus.
... Don't give up, persevere, fight as hard as you have to, like you have-to and are going to win... we are supposed to fall and fail on occasion, let the God of creation strengthen you in your toughest moments, and help heal when the wounds are deep/fresh, and seek his will in good times and the bad.
... may we all learn to be resilient and mindful of our
environment and surroundings, may we pursue God's will and realistic
sustainable life-styles.
12-21-21 UPDATE: whether it's obvious to the reader or not, the entire contents of this website is essentially a journal of recovery, and learning, and further growth and development of a middle-aged guy, you are actually reading a 'process' of sorts... you see, i was 'triggered' to a degree during the covid-introductory period... i had a rock-bottom type of crisis when life as i had known it had taken a sharp turn. the contents of this website is a recovery of sorts... it's what happens when a fellow get's his head and priorities straightened-out, when truth and reality rule the day, when convictions are embraced, and life takes on new perspectives and focus... if my thoughts and words seem jumbled and without direction or focus then i can appreciate that perspective, i'm not a professional anything, and I understand that i'm a work in progress... and actively working on aligning my thoughts and time and actions and behavior with the will of God... i invite the reader to do the same. -- christopher
10-03-22: i just got an email from the American Red Cross... it included a mini 'testimony' from a recipient, in her case it was a rapid breast cancer that required plasma... it seems like physical battles can turn into the psychological battles... the year that i experienced my first bout of major depression it was after a Spring-time accident, and having to recover during the Summer when most folks are running around enjoying creation and having a blast... being a former athletic type that didn't like to sit still very long was much of the battle, it was very humbling, and i hated every fvcking minute of it... i didn't have the level of control that i used to have with my body, and hated going through the slooow healing process... when life pulls the rug out from under you there is still plenty of life left (because you are still alive), patience, humility and finding new interests and hobbies go a looong way in recovery, the alcohol doesn't help as much as it might seem at first... keep fighting, others can help with some of your battle, but you still have a big part in the healing, recovery, and the desire to live to your fullest potential, even when trauma may have changed your perceived utility and potential... anyways, i hope that whoever ends-up with my pint is a fighter, even if it takes them a while to regroup/recover. -- ct