...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i'm not a professional anything, so there will be ignorance written below, but i trust that the reader can discern the baby from the bathwater, i do hope to stimulate your noggin enough to do some of your own research using your own critical-reasoning... i write for my own health, and to my offspring/kids, and to anyone else that cares to read. --  ct
 August 2022
08-31-22:  last day of august, the day began with some seriously hard rain, and is expected to be a sunny steam-bath by the afternoon... politics rule the day as big-mouths are posturing for primaries and mid-term elections, and the brandon is trying to 'help' too... still trying to get through some more religiousy-types of essays and books, it's probably better subject matter to write about than politics, but almost scary because you don't want to get it wrong, communicating religiousy ideas is a serious responsibility that i don't care to dabble with very much, so writing about liars and hypocrites that are steering many away from truth is far easier... anyways, will chip away at some long reading today.  --  ct
08-30-22:  there's a bunch of unexpected traffic/visitors lately, not sure from where, or why, interesting, maybe it's just intel gathering for someone/something... anyways, writing from the new 'desk' today, it's just a big sheet of glass resting on top of part of a bed-frame, looks OK, works great... plenty of politics that i could comment/opine, but mostly reading religiousy sorts of things the past couple of days, hoping to get through a couple of heady essays/books... here's one of my questions regarding one of them, what sort of important/valuable feedback does a human (intelligent group of sensors) provide back to a 'master mind'/creator/ultimate-reality/God via telesis?  the question is probably already answered if i keep reading.  --  ct

08-30-22 later:  the mouse got away, and it was a pretty slow one so my ego is humbled... it was slow enough that i tried to go for it's tail, bad idea... it moved pretty quickly when i started reaching for it, but i'm trying to think of reasons why it was so slow at first... was it starving or dehydrated?  was it injured somehow?  or worse-case scenario... was it pregnant?!!!  hope not, we've already gotten about a dozen this year already, i wonder if taking down the two big trees had anything to do with the increase, we always get some sneaking in from outside during the cold months, but it's late august and we are still getting them... wonder if a new hole/access-point opened-up somewhere in the old house... anyways, felling pretty stupid that i didn't catch the slow mouse, next opportunity i won't go for the tail... if i were to put it in gun-terms, 'tails are for snipers, guys like me should go center-mass', even if the target is somehow retarded, that was my take-away from the humbling experience.  --  ct
08-29-22: awake by three, up by four, sipping coffee and reading and writing by five... hello monday... if i were still M-F eight-to-fiving it i'd be screwed on a day like this, i'd be half-conscious driving to work, pretty unproductive throughout the day, drink a gallon of coffee no matter how good or bad it is, get as ADD as they come by noon, nod-off on the ride home, and probably pull-over to slap myself in the face a bit... thankfully, insomnia isn't the worse thing that can happen to a guy, it's just a barbed thorn in my side, and a weird way to start the day... don't mind me if i stare at you much, i might actually be sleeping and neither of us realizes that... the upside to insomnia is that semi-consciousness can provide some access to a creative thought-process and finding solutions to some of life's problems, so there is a sort of blessing with the curse (if you want to use those words), sometimes being awake without life's many daytime distractions is the blessing of peace and quiet that is absent during most 'working hours'... hoping that today isn't a semi-conscious blur, those days happen you know... sometimes, many times... i think it depends on how distracted i am, and whether or not i can concentrate long enough to finish any of my thoughts, that's the stress of the curse... anyways, good morning, and i wish you a wonderful monday, it's supposed to be beautiful in rockingham county.  --  ct

08-29-22 later:  seemed like reading was the only productive part of today, i know that's not really the case, but it's about how i'm feeling...
... we got another case of the covid-bug in the house confirmed today, she was the first to vax, and it's her third time catching the gates-fauci bug... you scum-fvckers and your so-called vaccine, stupid demented mother-fvckers... there is a difference between wanting to save-the-world and wanting to rule-the-world, and it's a very fine-line for networked elite parasites, a VERY fine line for the gates foundation and it's puppets.  --  ct
08-27-22:  having hobbies, things that interest you, and can hold your focus, and give you some satisfaction, well, they say those things are important for individuals... some people call it their 'happy place', i dunno, people call it different things, but i had forgotten that working on armalite model fifteen, i had forgotten how much working away on them is a nice outlet/therapy, so to speak... just messing around with a couple of 'pistols', and the sights, and i'm back in a happy place of sorts... it's sooo stupid that we have to distinguish AR pistols from rifles, so that in itself causes a user to need at least two of the firearms, the same upper-receiver will fit just fine on another's lower-receiver, so why should a poor-boy need to have two lowers, because 'the man' and some laws say as much, it's as simple as that really... anyways, no need to complain when i'm in my AR-zone, just yelling at the man because i need more than one to satisfy laws--and you need at least two because rifles server their purposes, but for home-defense/security the smaller pistol-length barrels are better... i'd love me a world where i could put a short 300-blk upper-receiver on my one lower-receiver for the home, and then attach any rifle-length upper-receivers on it for whatever the scenario dictates... normally i would want a sixteen-inch 5.56 upper at a range for 100-300 yards, but maybe i want to plink at cans and balloons and bottle-caps with a .22LR, i'd love the legal protection to swap from pistol to rifle, and then rifle back to pistol, and not get thrown in jail for doing so... stupid laws, maybe i only want one gun, but laws make me have to buy more ... and i do love working on certain guns, so the necessity of a second AR doesn't really bother me a ton, it's more of an excuse for having another one to tinker with :-) ... and the only thing more fun then working on them is shooting them... writing is a cheaper hobby than buying AR parts to tinker with, which is why i do both, i hope to be able to afford to shoot the guns one of these days, you need to pay to join a gun club around here, it's too densely populated to shoot anywhere near the house, i can't even shoot the pests with a 22lr around here. OK, i'm done venting...

08-27-22 later: OK, not done venting, i also want to complain about the strict laws for what some folks call 'silencers', you need to find very good hardware, and still have to use sub-sonic rounds to have a sound-suppressor come close to being 'silent', but any firearm that fires anything that travels faster than sound is going to make some noticeable sound, and the faster the louder, even with common-market suppressors... if a person wants to shoot regularly they should really be able to purchase a decent suppressor with a simple form 4473, but current laws make you jump through extra hoops, and you have multi-month wait-periods, and you have to pay a special couple-hundred dollar fee... it's such a pain in the ass process, they really ought to be able to purchase just like a regular 'gun', you get the NIC-check done, and for the price of a decent firearm you ought to be able to cause less noise-pollution, small modern 'cans' won't make anything silent, but the will save the shooter's and neighbor's ears... some folks are scared over cans, but they are common-courtesy for anyone in sound range, and they save your ears a ton, most of them basically just make guns hearing-safe and they direct sound away from the shooter, so anyways, i don't like that cans are such a hassle to purchase, even if you want to build your own legally you sill have to jump through hoops, and wait, and pay the tax-man more money... so now i think i'm done complaining about a few laws, i'll probably take the route to get a couple of tax-stamps, one for a decent can, and another for a build-your-own, but not until we move to a more spacious homestead where we can actually shoot from the property... probably not for another year or so, maybe they will change the laws to accommodate my preference by then, i certainly won't hold my breath waiting, but i'll probably be buying the tax-stamps from the tax-man at some point down the road.  --  ct
08-26-22:  there were a bunch of uneasy events coinciding around the same time in the USA, but also similar things to various degrees in other 'civilized/high-density nations' as well... you know, 'world-wide', and stuff... i'm sure that you know what i'm talking about, but first i'll begin with the previous commander in chief, Trump... when he took the 'drain the swamp' declaration of war to the insider/establishment career politicians who were pissed-off that they had to deal with an outsider, and his life-style and entertaining style of communication mixed with cutting to the chase and 'saying it like it is' persona, they wanted no part in working with him... as an outsider that still follows policy and those who make them as my new favorite hobby, i gotta tell you, i enjoyed watching the political war, it was--and still is--quite a spectacle... since i typically vote for republicans i was all about/for supporting the political outsider that was implementing a bunch of changes that appealed to conservative leaning folks like national safety and getting out of bad international deals, and such... so watching powerful people use such nasty tactics in warring-back against the outsider-president that fully declared that he was picking a giant fight against political establishment/american-royalty, well some of the weapons and tactics used--including marxist-type destruction and violence incitements--were one of the things that got my bullshit-meter red-lining, got my antenna up, made me start paying more attention to see what other sorts of bullshit might be going on as reported as 'current events'... so we had the political 'trump war' going on as we had incited street-violence and the looting of various stores, and the destruction of other people's property and livelihoods/businesses, remember, this was going on while the marxist-type socialist leaders were decrying to defund the police, so they encouraged social unrest while killing the moral of law enforcement officers, the socialist/communist lawmakers that were demanding a defunding and re-imagining of american 'police', yes, those same lawmakers were also destabilizing ICE and CBP, so the whole marxist-embracing destablization and revolution tactics inciting lawmakers have caused an awful lot of problems over the decades, but they have become incredibly emboldened by their recent successes... so that makes two things now... there was the whole anti-republican was against trump... and then there is the marxist revolution social unrest and incitement... then there is the covid thing also, so now three things going on during the same season in American... America may never recover from some of the reactions/consequences of the decisions and policies that leaders made... depending on who your influencers were it may have sounded like it was time to go to mop-level 5, or to party like it's 1999, or to completely isolate for an unknown duration, or conduct life as usual but to be mindful of how germs spread and what you touch, or to take things like zinc and vitamin-d... yeah, the ways that leaders and influencers responded to the lab-bug is still being argued today, yesterday i wrote about a Navy commander that i personally believe is beleaguering the issue of jab-objectors, what's most frustrating in my opinion is that healthy folks don't get the virus very badly, supposedly some healthy folks don't even get symptoms at all, and that the military usually doesn't employ folks with comorbidity, and the fact that the gene-therapy based so-called vaccine has proven to be ineffective against spreading the lab-bug is further evidence that the objectors were right, and enforcers were not... so i had some harsh words for the Navy-guy, and i'd be happy to converse with him directly about the matter too if it ever get's back to him, i don't just take shots at people that i wouldn't talk-to or spar with, i write with a passion and a conviction based on appropriate criticisms of leader's actions/re-actions... so covid-based policies and reactions over a lab-bug with influenza-like effects has destabalized our economy, and many Many MANY people's livelihoods, and gave path to a whole new industry of opportunists push face-covering of various types (which really helped the marxist street rioters with obscuring faces), i'm glad for some opportunists that were able to make some money during our country's destabilization, but that certainly wasn't the case for everyone, in fact most people lost money due to it... so there was a political war, as well as pro-communist uprising, plus exploitation of the yearly flu... those were a few things that perked my interest a couple-two-three years ago, one would think that those wars might have been distraction enough for WEF's C. Schwabb's 'Great Reset' project... some folks speculate that all four things were staged to coincide, that's one of today's 'conspiracy theories', and i actually believe most of that too, which is why i get angry when i see activists/influencers/leaders that take harsh stands on some of these related issues, ESPECIALLY when it's the politicians that are spewing nonsensical bullshit/lies and you can see exactly what demonic-possession of compromised humans looks and sounds like, they take their cues from hollywood's best and occasionally some politicians turn out to be pretty good actors/actresses, but i prefer the straight-shooting honest ones much better... so these are some of the reasons that i write about the things that i write about, to some extent you could say that i was 'triggered' to start writing about some of the things cause anxiety, 'journaling' is a good outlet to organize your thoughts and communicate what you might not be able to communicate until you've been able to commit some time/effort to do so, it's good therapy you know... there are at least a few other coinciding and disturbing things that i write about too sometimes, but these one's really stand-out today... -- ct

08-27-22 Continued: one of the other things that REALLY got my attention during the covid-release prequel to the great reset was the size/breadth of the networked cult, i feel pretty naive in assuming that there wasn't a huge 'friendship' between government officials/agencies and media... holy smokes!  it knock my socks off once they exposed themselves... and when i say 'media' i include all forms of communication, especially 'social media' and other networked-based IT corporations, they were incredibly effective in not only pushing narratives/propaganda/controlled-messaging, but many 'tech giants' found ways to restrict/censor information from being distributed as well, and then other tech-giants got creative in retribution to folks that opposed networked-narratives, especially some of those payment-services and fund-raiser institutions... social shaming (cancel culture) and intimidation still remains common-practice because it was so effective (social media) in shaping public opinion--along with traditional TV media, and the those companies owned by billionaires and shareholders are the 'influencers' responsible for much of today's frustrations and deterioration, there is an algorithm tweak to both censor distribution as well as prioritize preferred narratives/messaging, they coincide very well from the same messaging that TV News and Commentary folks and Sports and Entertainment idols/heroes/figures do with PSAs, the late-night comedy shows and the daytime talk-shows and the morning shows... so it's easy to see who networked folks are, and how they control their vocabulary and sell the company-line/pitch, and that's when i became a better critic of puppets and actors and actresses and performances... i tried to stay away from most of the trash on TV, and it shouldn't take very long to figure-out who their target-audience and core-demographics are, a round or two of commercials for the shows tell you that much--to some degree, but most shows really seem to target stupid people that would rather be entertained than informed, or they want to be informed through entertainment, i do sometimes too... anyways, i quit on a bunch of shows that i used to like, i don't watch sports anymore except for some tennis from time to time, i read a ton now, and a bunch of it is stuff that i thought was far-too geeky most of my life... it doesn't take long of a break when you can get an overview perspective, and a decent understanding of how individuals and networks influence and manipulate others, how predators fvck with prey and reality... 

08-28-22 Continued:  ... it's also pretty easy to spot the networked bad-actors across the globe, the leaders that sold the same cult/WEF messaging, like that big-eyed kid to our north, you know, the guy that over-sensationalizes every bit of bullshit that he's trying to sell to his constituents, he was made for hollywood, but ended up a national leader... the global cult has great reach, there's the guy in France, and the gal in Germany, you probably recognized many others as well... like i said yesterday, i felt awfully stupid and naive when i started noticing these 'similarities', but bad actors reveal their flaws eventually, life becomes a performance as reality looses it's appeal... i don't really understand how the possession works, but i think the bad actors reveal themselves when there is an interference/interruption to the spirit/thing that has them, it's like the demon has them is perfect puppet-mode, and then someone throws a rock at the demon's head that distracts them long enough that the person tool that's under their influence starts to wake-up for a second or so, and then they say something very revealing that exposes their compromise... it's something like that, but it's not a stone that gets hurled at them, it's something in the realm/dimension that we can't see with our human eyes, call it what you want but for me i just ignorantly call it the 'spiritual realm', i wonder what it is that distracts the 'demon' from it's possession of a compromised human, it's a pretty interesting topic to think about
08-25-22:  spaghetti and eggs for breakfast, the marinara was decent enough, but i wish we had some alfredo, or maybe the 'gravy' that they put on the SOS would have been great, i didn't use the left-over meatballs, figured the eggs had plenty of protein... spaghetti and eggs, who knew -- ct

08-25-22 later:  it's really nice out today, low eighties with comfortable humidity, good chance to work outside after the last few rainy days... finished gluing, screwing, and sanding the desk frame... it's structurally complete, but not sealed/finished, which means that it's finished enough for me, i wasn't trying to make anything too pretty, just wanted to get the thing--and it's various parts--away/off of the high traffic area where they've been for a few months now, so it's pretty much done, i'll probably be writing from it tomorrow...
08-24-22:  this might go under the 'religious and philosophical' section of the blog at some point... but here is a theory that i'm touching-on here... chris langan writes about a 'simulation hypothesis' of sorts, and i don't fully understand most of what he says when he get's into deep-dives of physics, math, quantum/cosmology stuff, he get's into some of the great discoverers and thinkers theories and what they entailed and that's just a bit too much for me most of the time, frankly... i grew-up more social and didn't care to read or study anything that i didn't have-to, so there is an awful-lot of 'catching up' for me to do if i care to really follow along with much of his out-put... so the way that i sort of understand Langan is that he is a very smart guy that full-on believes in God, seems to try to 'follow' God as some Christian-types like to say, and seems to try to point other smart people that are clueless about the reality of God towards God using examples and specialized language sub-sets that other smart people ought to understand, but Langan get's incredibly creative in the ways that he communicates too... so, honestly, i had no intention of reading so much heady stuff that never really interested me before, i just remembered hearing on TV decades ago that one of the world's smartest people not only believed in God, but could prove God's reality through math, and so decades later when i wanted to listen to other people's perspective/understandings of God might be i thought i'd look-up and see what America's highest tested IQ male (Marilyn vos Savant considered higher hence the specification of 'male') had to say on the matter/subject, turns-out that the TV thing that i heard was correct... and, sorry, i know that i'm getting dyslexic here as i beat around the bush a bit, but here is where i'm going with this, some questions as to how some concepts might fit into his TOE, and if they align with any of his hypotheses:

... could our solar system be considered one atom, and our galaxy being one cell in God's infinite and expanding mind, a mind that is connected to uncountable other galaxies that don't require an actual binding-medium establishing neuron-like connections as compared with the human brain... is the universe the physical 'mind of God'?
... does God use us/our human sensors and intelligence and perception of our environment and events for important feedback? 
... are there examples of important sensory or computational feedback that humans are communicating to a meta-mind?

... is it safe to suggest that intelligent life exists in other parts of the universe?
... is it safe to suggest that there is another realm/dimension that most living humans don't/can't see?
... is it safe to assume that there is regular interference from extra-terrestrial and/or spiritual life exerted on humans?
... is it safe to assume that despite the depth/magnitude of the universe that God appreciates humans?


the thing that sort of triggered my questions was a new article that i read this morning about 'the big bang theory', parts of Christian sacred texts suggest that God 'spoke' everything into existence, so maybe there wasn't some giant explosion that set our universe into course, does/did God even physically 'speak', does He even have sensors to do so, or did He create us to have the sensors to do what He can't do physically (so to speak), if He is a sort of 'spiritual' non-physical being?
... i don't know why this sort of thing occupies my mind/time, or even concerns me really, but my mind was stimulated by some people's observations/ideas/speculations and it's all interesting and almost fascinating to me... anyways... it's time for me to get back into my physical world and not just my thinking world, i've got stuff to do, and ought to eat something soon, my back and neck are already hurting this morning, i strained a few muscles recently, and exacerbated the problem yesterday trying to stretch and manipulate parts of my back, i woke-up feeling it, so that's not a good sign... so i have some yoga-type stretches to get to, those help to some degree, sometimes more than others... frickin back, it's such a pain in me arse  --  ct

08-23-22:  two days of rain and the pollen/particulate count is finally acceptable for my head and chest, i drove with the windows down and no sneezing or gooey eyes... my eyes are getting bad enough as it is, and the allergens just depress the crap out of me this time of year... anyways, nice day in Rockingham County... i'll probably blast away with some political posts later, it's my mid-life hobby :-)  ct
08-22-22:  appreciating today's rain, praise God for every drop of it... i used to complain about the rain back when i was into golf, pesky weather didn't always consult with my plans... you won't find me complaining about it today, the clay-rich soil around the house hardened weeks ago... the brine-shrimp ought to spring back to life any minute now... that last part is a joke, the rain brings mosquitos to life in these-here parts, not cute little monkey's of the sea... it's only felt like the mojave's dry lake-beds around here lately, but today is different, today is teaming with life  --  ct

08-22-22 later:  got a card in the mail today, there is a class-action lawsuit that involves the SUV manufacturer of a former vehicle of mine, i gave it away months ago... they call the case 'porsche gasoline emissions class action settlement'... the volkswagon people cooked-the-books on how much stuff comes out of the tailpipes... but i think the real crime is making vehicles that require premium-grade gasoline and still get shitty MPGs... glad that i don't own that thing anymore, it consumed more than a family of five, and the insurance kicked me arse... i don't qualify for the settlement, i wasn't the 'original and sole owner' of the guzzler, but hey, thanks for the postcard.  --  ct

08-22-22 more later:  some of my Christian friends aren't appreciative of my writing style, they don't care for the 'throwing cold water in your face' approach to communication and messaging and sharing truth... i get it... i'm not trying to motivate nice people into being more nice, there are plenty of folks whose profession is centered around that very thing, and some of them do it very well... nice people have my utmost respect, but many of you are neutered dystopian fluffer-nutters that would have lasted a total of 5 seconds in basic training... my apologies on behalf of whomever told you that you live in a nice world that's full of nice people, it's a fallen world cupcake, now get yourself together fruit-loop... but look, i get it... i really appreciate nice folks, and if you are one there is chance that you aren't my target audience, unless you need a fvcking boot up your blind/ignorant ass, that's a possibility too... OK, that's about all of the nice that i left in my tank for one day, good night and God bless you. -- ct
08-21-22:  i'm clearly not one of those 'influencer' types, i don't give a second thought as to whom or why anyone reads anything that i've written, i write so my kids have a better understanding of my perspectives should they ever be so curious... i don't get much feedback other than a few pat-on-the-backs and an occasional trolling demon from time to time... but after watching a couple of respectable podcasts over the past few days, and discovering that they are both sponsored by the same male genital hygienic product distributor i'm quite glad that i haven't 'arrived', or 'made it', i like my quiet little humble unsponsored bit of the internet... hold on for a second, Don't even tell me that's me that i smell, i thought that was the trash, WTF, do i need additional hygiene products too, maybe the latest in scrotum deodorant, or some special powder... and to think that i ignorantly assumed that soap would suffice... look, if i relied on consumer-goods sponsorship to pay for anything i'd be silent by now, or maybe i'd be rich and have great smelling silky-smooth genitaila, but really, well... i like my scented soap just fine, as well as the ability to write whatever i want to without offending sponsors or genitals of the opposite sex, manscaped, lol  --  ct

08-21-22 later:  i've been writing a bunch on political matters lately, i guess that's my jam, but i've been trying to write about other matters as well, yet political buffoons rule the day, and undoubtedly deserve adequate criticism  --  ct
08-20-22: i appreciated Christopher Langan's recent appearance on Curt Jaimungal's discussions of TOE, with Bernado Kastrup being the second guest... Chris made a great point about emotions, and differentiating feelings from logic... from my perspective emotional 'feelings' get your attention, and then inquisitive observations with applied logic being the healthy next step... 'intuition' doesn't tell you anything, it might get your discernment-antenna up, so to speak, but feelings by themselves don't tell you a fvcking thing, other than you are a sensitive and emotional being... logic must accompany emotion, otherwise we rely heavily on impulsive reactions to navigate our environment... Chris L didn't say all of that, but i'm more than happy to... Look, if you're more sensitive than a porcupine's privates during mating season then you might take offense to this post, that's fine, but hey, emotions only tell you part of a story, it's up to you to find the logical/truthful rest of the story and quit hiding behind 'feelings', because that leaves you very vulnerable to predatory exploitation and manipulation if you are emotion-driven... stay in reality so you can discern the reason why certain things make you feel certain ways, they do so for logical reasons, and it's up to you to discover them/it... anyways, i'd just put a link to the video up so you can listen for yourself, but i accessed it on a paid service, and folks can get weird about what you can share and what you can't... hey, Hey, HEY... don't go getting emotional on me, i'm just shooting you straight man... if you can access the video and have two hours of free-time then you should watch it, if you don't have much free-time then the final eight minutes are pretty telling, and worth your time.  --  ct

08-20-22 later: i watched some PFL (MMA) with my daughter for a bit, the men were adequate as usual, the women amaze me... the first women's fight included a fake girl (transexual) fighting a gal that i would describe as every farmer's desired wife, a real/authentic/genuine gal that could lift your horse while your changing it's shoes, the trans thing-a-ma-jig won, a solid left hook can do that in a hurry, the second female bought was impressive as well... look... i'm a guy that doesn't like to entertain the thought of ever physically fighting a woman, but some chicks are bigger/leaner than two dudes combined, and should be fought as such, if your vaja-ja is naturally endowed then good for you, accept and embrace what you are, same for dudes, you know what/who you are, please don't waste time pretending/acting to be anything other than what you are naturally, to do so otherwise is inefficient expenditure of time and energy... anyways, i wouldn't want to fight any of the women that i watched on TV with my daughter today, i would truly have to treat them as equals and kick the shit out of them as i would expect to do with dudes, no offense ladies and fake ladies alike, some of you are quite intimidating and obviously capable of whipping some ass, mine included, i'd just assume that you would lift the horse while i change the shoes, but if wrangling is your jam then fight's on bitches, we can throw-down like the dudes that you wish to be, i'm more of a striker and would still hate to unload on you, but i will if/when the situation dictates... i love chicks until they try to kick my ass, and then it's game-on for survival-sake  --  ct

08-20-22 more later:  loook, i appreciate your advice, but i get my counsel directly from Fat Amy and the rest of the Pitch Perfect cast... thanks for your concern, but i think i'm covered... he he he  --  ct
08-18-22:  i hope that the ten minutes of rain that we got isn't the end of it, clean water is a physiological requirement, and unpolluted water sustains life... we need that stuff man  --  ct

08-18-22 later:  i expect to go offline for a while, prayers kindly accepted, and appreciated  --  ct
08-17-22:  reading and listening to folks that specialize in various states of consciousness, relaxation, sleep... just like any special field of study they use specialized vocabulary, and different specialists identify certain words/states differently too, that makes it a real pain in my ass and head when consuming such info... i don't sleep very well, or, sleep lightly and awaken easy, and then have a hard time falling back asleep... i also pray sometimes in a more relaxed and focused state that some folks probably call 'meditation'... i don't understand such matters very easily, which is why i'm trying to learn more about it... when different people use different vocabulary it makes for a real chore trying to learn... my morning relaxed state where i feel like i haven't fully woken-up yet is actually a state of consciousness that i appreciate, the focus that i have during that time is solid... most of the parts of the day that following that tend to get ADD-ish to some degree or another... medicine that just leaves you sleepy isn't a good substitute for that 'morning-state', it usually comes with some impairment that we might notice, and sometimes we don't... consuming certain amounts of certain types of cannabis can help with the ADD/focus/creativity, but it can also impair... utilizing my morning-state without having to rush around to start the day is priceless, it's like diamonds dipped in gold... i must learn more about this fild of study... but the way that i've lived most of my adult life is getting-up, and drowning myself in coffee to basically make sure that i don't operate in my morning-state, i try to hack the brain with caffeine instead of making use of what i already had, but ran from... bringing an a-game to life might not require the anxiety and mania that caffeine triggers in so many folks, bringing an a-game might have little to do with how quickly you can perform physical challenges, there might be another 'zone' to get into, and that zone might not require someone working as fast as possible... i think i'm much better suited for writing than fueling-up with molecules and getting stuck in traffic or a couple of hours... time will tell.  --  ct

08-17-22 later:  i just got a big influx of viewership overnight, it's either search-engines validating, or maybe it's the UN SWAT team reading some of my various conspiracy theories and deciding how much of a public risk that i am (too funny)... sometimes viewership interests me, and most of the time it doesn't, it's doesn't phase me that a bunch more people hit this crappy web-site bloggy-thing, cool, fine, whatever... but then i get bothered by the fact that one of my substack articles hasn't even reached fifty views, i thought it was a decent article about ar-fifteens and some of the tools used in 3-gun events, and personal-protection, and i tied it in with a bible-verse and everything, but i guess my opinion of the article doesn't really matter... writing/communication is what matters, and what happens with the writing when i'm done with it is beyond my control... if you are a new reader to this crappy website please use your discernment and save the baby in the bathwater, i offer plenty of both most days.  --  ct

08-17-22 more later:  i just want to explain something to anyone that cares to read... some of us folks that are still unemployed as a result of government leader's reactions to gates and fauci's germ isn't due to laziness or rebellious attitudes as some folks suggest... some of us won't work for organizations that actually think that vaccinating their entire workforce with experimental serums is smart, i won't work for those folks/companies anymore, they proved themselves to be partially retarded, and not very competent, rendering themselves undesirable... and another issue that some of us have is that the work that we were doing before the gates/fauci/china germ came to town was unsustainable, even causing us continuous bodily harm... i took about 25 years break from doing physical labor for employment, and decided to pick it up again when i was in my late forties, now that i'm in my fifties i understand how much i beat the crap out of myself most days, and that pretending that i didn't have problems wasn't a good long-term strategy, you can only take the advice to 'take a pill' or 'just rub dirt on it' for so long... so i don't want to work for the germ-fools, or perform work that keeps breaking my aging frame/structure... so two points... one: i'm open to ideas... and two: it's typically ignorant fools that assume that folks who don't work to produce income are lazy and spoiled, we might require opportunity and maybe even mentoring... i can give one or two days per week of hard physical work maybe, but that's about it man, otherwise everyone around me has to listen to me complaining of chronic pain and why i feel frustrated, cranky, or depressed... call me a lazy parasite and you might trigger a chain-reaction that ends with you loosing some of your pearly chicklets... policy that requires your workforce to receive experimental injections in order to stay employed isn't sustainable, it's what nazi's did to prisoners of war/slaves, and it's fvcking stupid man, so why would i want to work for such demented control-freaks?  it's rhetorical... i don't and i won't.  --  ct

08-17-22 more later than before:  i took the bait and started listening to joe rogan's recent podcast with the babylon-bee guy Seth Dillon, about an hour and fifty minutes into it they hit a topic of interest [ i need to look back at that too as i've had multiple conversations in the fifteen minutes since] but i took the bait, and so i'm listening to the whole dang episode, it's about three hours long... i also appreciated listening to curt jaimungal's TOE episode with chris langan and bernardo kastrup, they speak of simple topcis spoken through sophisticated vocabularies and mutual understandings of researched disciplines, which means it's basically smart people talking to other smart people about things like hypotheticals/theories/observations/understandings, you know, things that most folks don't have to consider a whole lot, i find it amusing and educational to some degree, once you get an understanding of the vocabulary and organization of language specialties it's amusing listening to smart folks talk about smart things, and then almost shocking when one capable participant did not prepare in reading one paper written thirty years ago which sets a TOE that seems simple and straightforward in many respects, but the problem reading such topics isn't just with expanded vocabularies, but that most subject matters and disciplines weren't taught during half-time shows and seventh-inning commercials, otherwise maybe i would have considered astro and meta physics, that's what makes it hard really, is familiarizing myself with 'nerdy topics' that i assumed were a waste of my social-prioritized time and energy... you geeks kick my ass sometimes you know... anyways, i think rogan represents a mostly logical chunk of society, so i'm neck-deep in this episode, it's pretty good... and then rogan and jaimungal's podcasts are both sponsored by the same testicular hygiene distributor, that was and obscure observation, but factual nonetheless.   --   ct

08-17-22 a bit more later than before: i don't know how to describe it really, but the politicians that most folks from any side of our predominantly two-party political system seem to hate the most is the cheezy salesmen that reek of alternative motives and seem to motivated by playing some 'game within the game' with citizens and taxpayers paying the price for matters that support the leader's egos, it's something like that... public representatives are necessary, but leech-like opportunistic puppets are difficult for anyone to deal with for more than a moment or two at a time... i took an opportunity to move from a technical support role to a sales role at a former employer, when i made that move i told the CIO guy that i would be dealing with corporate officer types, and i would have to solicit them phone-call style to sell our products, and what sorts of tips he might give me... i don't remember everything that mike replied in his response, but he made it clear that he didn't like cheesy sounding made for radio advertiser types that tried too hard, he said a few other good things too, but that was a zillion years ago, mike didn't appreciate me most of the time, but he tolerated me for the most part
08-16-22:  reading more on self-simulation theory/hypothesis today, i also want to finish the next phase of the desk that i'm building/assembling, and all of that is in between chores and responsibilities, and some other interests... the weather ought to be good enough to drill and saw outside, the desk will be nice when it's out of the way and being utilized, but it's still the same obstacle in our living-room now going on for a couple of months i guess, wood, metal, and glass are the recipe, with a little plastic sprinkled-in... anyways, today looks good, wish me luck, or pray, or whatever well-wishes and thoughts of encouragement you can send is appreciated, i need all of that stuff, and sometimes more than other times... hey... did you know that under the veteran's retraining thing that i qualify for i can learn to do your finger and toe nails pretty, but they don't have a program for any religious study... none, zilche, nada... i was turned-off from the concept of working on people's finger nails when i watched a buggs-bunny episode 'monsters live such interesting lives', it was thaaat one that dissuaded me from seeking regular exposure to chemicals (nail polish and it's thinner), you can't learn about Godly things from VRAP, but i could learn to paint tissue... brilliant.  --  ct

08-16-22 later:  frickin desk, after twenty years one of the posts 'unglues' the day that i make final preparations... it's been twenty years since i started building the bed, the bed that i never finished, which is now going to be the frame of a desk... if there were someone here i'd be complaining about the inconvenience to them, not you... frickin desk, going to glue-it and screw-it to finish-it up now... BTW, make sure to buy your Ar-fifteen type of rifle or pistol ASAP, looks like time might be running out on them... the simpletons won't spend the money to harden soft-targets with security professionals so their only sollution is to eliminate a pretty decent firearm, as if living in that type of utopia would magically keep predators from using different resources/tools/weapons to prey on folks that can't defend themselves... instead the progressive/communist aspect of the deep-state is pushing to further dis-arm it's Citizens which renders our national protection far less effective, and it keeps individuals from being to protect themselves and property against more than one predator at a time... so-called 'high-capacity magazines make the most sense for self protection, sometimes there is more than one predator, sometimes your nerves are shaky from adrenaline and don't get off perfect shots, sometimes predators require more than one shot to mitigate their threat... don't be scared by things that progressive pvssies condemn, it's usually not wise to do so.  --  ct

08-16-22 more later:  got the full-blown allergies today, the whole sneezing and watery itchy eyes... we are multi-sensor processors, and when some of the senses/sensors don't work as expected you end-up with blurry eyes and all kinds of congestion... today was perfect outside, i probably could have done without the pollen exposure maybe, or maybe even used one of those annoying face-masks, but thankful that i can complain about it now, it means that i'm still alive.  --  ct
08-15-22:  i was very recently asked what i would do if i could have any job in the world... i think i'm already doing it, i just don't get paid for it, so it isn't a valuable thing to society really, i'm more or less 'retired', but without the fixed income... but it was a question that i wasn't expecting, and i didn't have to think to long/hard about it... i love doing physical things, but my body is gimpy enough that continued/regular physical labor is a problem, so reading lot's of new things and writing is more of my jam now, but there is plenty of life to live in between words, so household chores are always a thing too, so are other family responsibilities, so is helping neighbors... subcontract work pays some bills sometimes... anyways, what a great and unexpected question... but my answer is whatever i can to helps folks navigate an overly-complicated world, and to help future generations somehow, someway... something like that, but the laptop on my lap with keys clicking away is a comfortable place for me... i think that sort of answers the question, maybe, possibly, hopefully.  --  ct

08-15-22 later:  so my kids, who aren't really 'kids' or 'children' anymore, well they have to find their own opinions about some of the things that i write about, i don't 'preach' much to them, so they are their own man and women, and probably haven't contemplated many of the topics that i write about or criticize, never-mind share my particular opinions... as parents we try to keep our kids safe and healthy and prepare them to be adults themselves, we don't shape their every thought, they need to discern reality for themselves... so don't assume that my offspring shares my opinions by matter of genetics or association, they are unique individuals themselves, just like you and i... so i don't think that expressing my opinions about politicians and political matters effects them, they don't even read what i write until i make them, which is typically me reading out loud, and that's about as common as the jack-alope, but less common than the unicorn, of course... getting ready to read another heady publication, and i shouldn't attempt such things when i'm this tired really, they are challenging enough when i'm not impaired by circadian/lunar cycles, and natural human reactions to them... alright, i'm not going to read after-all, i'll just pray/meditate and then try to sleep, tomorrow isn't that far away.   --  ct

08-15-22 later-er:  OK, that didn't happen... so i just started reading one of C. Langan's papers discussing 'Reality Self-Simulation Principle'... i couldn't describe it to an old Pastor of mine very well a bunch of years back, but i remember stating something like 'the spiritual realm is just as real as our dimension/realm, maybe even more so since we say that God is somehow a spirit deity', so if that's the case then God and the spiritual realm are even more real than we are... i said it a bit gross/wrong/immature maybe, and the response was something like well don't go searching for angles and demons, and i better be careful in my theory/thinking, OK, fine/great, i didn't go searching, and my thought-process was 'careful', but i'm still pretty certain that i've run into the good one's (angles) and the bad one's (demons) on more than one occasion, sometimes you walk through the valley of the shadow of death in the presence of 'my enemies', and sometimes you have a Moses burning bush exposure/experience... anyways, if God is omnipotent, and if He actually is the physical universe (and then some), then understanding that there is some higher power--and that He could be shielding our eyes from the contents of another dimension or dimensions that must exist--i think it is a bit helpful in trying to grasp the concept of self-simulation, or that we are in the mind of God somehow... the universe is so big that our solar system is like one atom/neuron possibly in an infinite brain/mind of the Ultimate Reality (God), what we see and don't or can't see might depend on many variables... if there is another realm/dimension that we don't/can't really see then maybe we can't really handle it, and keep in mind that you can't just 'unsee' certain things too, is it possible that we see another whole complete different dimension when we transition/pass from our physical selves, maybe... maybe there is a heaven of sorts too, or maybe we start a whole new simulation... anyways, it's all interesting stuff i guess, but right now we deal with the past and the present hoping to steer the future in our favor, we use intelligence and experience for survival and evolution, so we do run constant simulations for self-correction and controlling what we think we need to control, it feels perfectly natural because it's what we do all of the time, we usually do things fast enough/reactionary that we don't allow enough simulations to feel like we are really thinking about what we do before we do it, but we think a lot about what we do before we do it, the variables that we consider before acting or reacting, and how we discern/apply priority to those variables is unique as you and i... look i don't care how people wish to label or communicate such matters really, but Langan's paper is a good read so far.  --  ct
08-14-22:  i poked the hornet's nest yesterday and friday, i had to vent a bit... i feel a bit better now... social media is an interesting communication medium, i think folks use it sometimes to test messaging, and fix parts that don't work/fit very well... i don't do that really, i sort of 'dump it out' of my head and then i'm done with it, i think it's wise to look back for historical/memory sense, and sometimes develop a larger story based on old posts, but i don't really feel like i need to adjust messaging based on thumbs-up or thumbs-down or an angry-face emoji... i don't write to please folks, i write because i have to, i get headaches and irritable when i don't, so as much as i appreciate some responses on social media, it doesn't really matter to me, i prefer this crummy/simple platform where i don't offer options for commenting or following, those sorts of things are good for folks that are 'influencers', but that's not my jam, i don't try to influence a bunch of folks, i just try to motivate a few here and there, and connect a few dots that some folks don't see, and others try to ignore... pretty simple, right... my advice to the reader, don't try to be a famous influencer, your ego probably can't handle it without making moral compromises... just be you, and be honest with yourself and others.  --  ct

08-14-22 later:  don't tell me that i can't or shouldn't use the word 'cult' when referring to certain people and networks and their supporters... everyone has their own 'cultural bias', based on people/organizations/ideas that influence their thoughts and lifestyle... so get off my arse about the use of the word 'cult', it is appropriately utilized, even decent religions have off-shoots that get wonkey in their beliefs, words and actions... cults aren't reserved for just religious folks, they are folks who want their own sense of religion too you know... that's why the logical/sustainability of sound religion is a solid litmus... look at how some folks try to fool you and then ask if what they did falls within the boundaries of the golden-rule, it's hard to beat the litmus of 'the golden rule'... a global cult effected the lives of billions of people because they think it's what's best for them, and revealed what they really think of everyone else that isn't in their network... so the word 'cult' which is the root of 'culture', and is very much appropriately used... thanks for the criticism and allowing me to help clear/clarify your confusion... if the local paper is the extent of your environment then stick with local people and events, if you can look outside of your known/comfortable environment it not that hard to recognize the YGL and WEF religion/cult, but hey, that's my opinion, you can opine after you do your own research... i've heard it said that Scientology target entertainers and influential people, well that's what the Global Government does too, they really like their politicians and influencers you know... i try not to get too fancy with religions and clubs/cultures/cults, the Christian 'religion' is simple and seems to be solid and sustainable, so i try to kiss... 'keep it simple stupid', it get's easier to recognize cults of all different sizes when you see how sneaky they think they have to be to achieve various outcomes.   --  ct

08-14-22 more later: just doing my part to remind American Citizens of some of our rights, and owning and bearing arms is certainly one of them... remember, don't just buy one gun, you want at least three of them, a rifle, a shotgun, and a pistol... and at least one 22LR... happy reading, there is something satisfying and therapeutic in sport-shooting, and hunting is a necessity for many folks, and protection is a responsibility -- ct
08-13-22: i was motivated to write about matters that some folks on my side of the political aisle don't care for 'restrictions'... positive-psychology protagonists don't care to speak of restrictions either, they expect everyone to operate under the Christian religion's 'Golden-Rule', the commandment that is often remembered as something like 'treat others the way that you want other folks to treat you', or 'treat/love your neighbor as yourself', you know, that one... folks that practice that commandment demonstrate that they probably also have some sort of connection to God and might also have an understanding of the significance of the other 'most important commandments', the one about love your God with all of your, well, you look that one up for yourself please, anyways, my point is that regulations and restrictions make-up a bunch of the commandments too, they are 'the dont's', the bible, as well as the ten commandments' is full of useful/practical/sustainable 'DO's and DON'Ts'... the loving DO's of the commandments are things that most normal people understand, and most normal circumstances dictate, some normal folks need a little more help understanding that maybe, but the folks that champion that completely positive outlook abandon the fact that everyone needs to be instructed of the DON'T commandments as well, most normal folks have an understanding of the logic and sustainability behind the DO NOT commandments at early ages, but not everyone has, and some folks need to be reminded of them, and some more than others... i understand the importance of stressing positive-psychology, but reminding the masses as to why the DON'Ts exist, and how you can understand them in relation to 'treating your neighbor as yourself', then you get a balance of positive and negative principles... exploitors will 'blur the line' between whether or not they are being greedy or taking advantage of other people and their welfare by their desires/ambitions/dreams/ego, so that's why we require some restrictions and balances... the US system of law assumes that everyone is innocent until proven guilty, everyone is innocent and encouraged to function in society as folks that don't victimize other folks, and when predators are proven guilty they are generally punished and pay some of retribution to victims or society, that's sort of the assumption of the American freedom/dream/system, we expect that the folks that come here to visit or stay have an understanding of the principles of the ten commandments, and the beauty of living your life within the confines of the two most important commandments, and then if anyone requires further explanation of what respecting your neighbor as you want to be respected you can also point those folks to another simple Christian religious principle, we call it 'the Love chapter', we give you further definition of Love in first-corinthians chapter thirteen... and we could explain a bit more about such things as some of the 'fruits of the Spirit' as listed in galatians chapter five, near the end... folks that have no connection to God are offended by such simple logic contained in those five to ten minutes of 'christian education' that so many angry rebellious self-gods, or chasers of false-gods hate to hear... i do appreciate some government restrictions because exploiters exist and will victimize others in pursuits of self indulgent and gluttonous behaviors, expanding our personal space/kingdoms is natural human behavior, and many times it needs to be contained,and sometimes it involves other countries too... anyways, i was triggered to expand on this subject a tiny bit by someone that supports government restrictions, and especially restricting simple christian principles containing self-evident/obvious logic, the truth is that i support come government restrictions, but who those restrictions benefit and why, and who they may victimize and why, and the long-term effects of those restrictions require much debate and transparency, otherwise they violate our freedoms as law-abiding citizens that operate under the golden rule... actions/re-actions to crimes involving firearms are a great example of where continuous flow of new laws and restrictions has had no positive long-term effect at the cost of millions of law-abiding citizens that operate under the golden rule, and a great example of where government restriction is a folly and not a help ... as usual, this post isn't edited/well-planned/researched, but 'government regulation' topic got me thinking of such matters, i'll revisit the matter when i can give some time and more consideration... but i think you have to look at government restrictions as a means to keep proven predators from exploiting their 'freedom', but if the government restrictions do not much else but give the government more power and expansion then you seriously need to consider the restriction, the government will exploit it's power and free-will too you know, it's an entity full of normal people that are also imperfect and corruptible... or do you think that law-makers and the people and organizations that contribute to their campaigns are full of nothing but saints, of course you don't, so quit being gullible about such matters... God bless.  --  ct
08-11-22:  sometimes i use the term 'over population' to describe venues in the United States of America where there are so many people that converge in the same area that the geography is expanded upward/inward (buildings, 'skyscrapers', projects, row-houses, etc), if your venue allows for living/working space but isn't capable of producing physiological needs (food and water as simple examples) then you live in an 'over-populated' geography, you can define it however you wish, but it's over-populated, and more than likely living a lifestyle that isn't very sustainable... maybe earth as a whole, or the USA as a whole isn't really quite 'over-populated', but major cities thrive on overpopulating small areas... many folks have attachment and dependency problems where they need to be surrounded by as many people, noises, and distractions as possible in order to have a sense of security and belonging, they can navigate urban environments pretty well, but have no clue how to live in most other environments... not every environment provides the resources to be a viable sustainable geography to support humans animals and vegetation, cities require constant direct import of products from other people that have a better understanding of actual needs, which is why most politicians in major cities can't offer sound logical insight into how the rest of the country should be run and managed, their perception of reality is confined and skewed to deal with over-population in their immediate geography/venue/borders... the world might not be over-populated yet, but the geographies with the highest density of residencies have been, and remain to be... don't get too caught-up in exact language... a solid indication of the validity of this theory is proven through the words and actions of the mayors of two over-populated venues, New York City and Washing DC, where a few busloads of unexpected new residents triggered anxiety attacks by so called professional leaders... many parts of the USA, and earth, are overpopulated, and you can't grow/raise food in most of those places, so they depend on the intelligence and labor of people that choose to live in reality which is demonstrated by actually living sustainable lifestyles and producing physiological requirements... cities consume, rural environments produce... places with the highest concentration of humans also boast the highest concentration of insane, retarded, violent, unassimilated and criminally motivated people, it's no wonder that marxist DNC types thrive under such conditions, controlling the masses can be a real challenge and government control (dictatorships) is the only answer for social-marxists, especially to folks that won't acknowledge the reality of a God that expects moral behavior, it's hard to preach moral behavior when you deny the masses to learn about the reality of an omnipotent and caring God/Creator, it's like running on a hamster-wheel expecting to reach another venue/destination... call it 'over-population', or a 'high-concentration', or whatever you prefer to call it, it exists in many places and has been for years, decades, centuries, so get cute with your wording if you must, but living in ignorance/fantasy-land is only an excuse for so long, eventually you must come to grips with reality... and i don't think that exterminating/culling large groups of people is a viable solution unless they do something to deserve it, otherwise, consider restricting the amount of property that people and organizations can purchase, greedy parasites that can't grasp the concept of 'having too much' make it overly difficult for regular normal people to own a residence in a sustainable geography... you see, i'm more liberal than you might think, i don't care for the actions and behaviors of parasitic elites, but we might refer to the same global troublemakers that make most normal people sick differently than one another... personally speaking i think that the world could use more 'George Baileys' (It's a Wonderful Life) and less George Soros  --  ct

08-11-22 later: so here is my complaint in reading smart-people's writings/findings/observations... smart folks utilize vocabulary that relates to what their specialty/specialties require... i spent most of my younger days pursuing social and cultural experiences/matters, graduating high school was one of the most liberating days of my life and i never wanted to look back over the shoulder of forced education again, secondary education only became a thought in my early twenties, and then i quit that before i finished a semester, it was during a sort of 'religious conversion', or whatever you want to call a 'come to Jesus moment', existential epiphany, whatever you'd like to call it... and although i picked-up reading again by then i spent more time reading Christian publications and had quit on the sciences... so, back to my complaint... smart folks force me to look-up the definition of words and concepts like i was still in school or something, and i spent most of my college-aged years competing with myself over how many beers i could drink over the weekend, so expanding my vocabulary based on various sciences/studies is a chore, it can even be laborious/painful at times depending on how familiar i am with the field... so learning new words, and reading more on subjects that i had historically deflected to the nerd-class to busy themselves with is more of a pain in my head than the 'pain in my ass' as i typically refer to challenges... when i'm not lazy, busy, or distracted i appreciate a decent challenge, expanding my vocabulary is a pain in the ass, but it's a good challenge, but i don't remember a bunch of new words until i've been hit over the head or peppered/barraged with them, so that's why it's a pain in my ass... it's a problem with recalling information sometimes really, it's probably low processor speed, storage issues, and failure to discern important/relevant from unimportant information and variables, i think... but, in my defense, i do deal with hyper-vigilance and A.D.D. sorts of symptoms that are hard to shut-off sometimes, many times... so learning new words/vocabulary and concepts and theories, well you put that all together with whatever nuts-and-bolts came with my specific noggin and you can begin to understand why it's a pain in my ass as well as my head... but all kidding aside, i really appreciate inexpensive intellectual challenges as well as the information/education shared by most smart folks that i read, and thankful that dictionaries are as simple as a copy-and-paste nowadays... shut-up, i'm old enough to use the word 'nowadays'... put that one in your what-is/webster's search, it probably yield's results indicating that it's a word used by slower older people of a nostalgic era. -- ct
08-10-22: i haven't read the details of the 'veterans bill' that brandon signed today at the end of his liberal love-fest on TV... if it's really focused on aiding veterans that developed respiratory deterioration due to toxin exposure, then GOOD... it may sound silly, or overly dramatic, and not really founded on solid logic or reasoning, but one of the so-called 'moral injury' triggers that i deal with from time to time is that i contributed to toxin exposure, maybe not to the degree of regular burn-pit and oil-well fire exposure, but as combat engineers at the end of gulf war one i can tell you that we blew the sh1t out of tons of munitions and ordnance that were discovered throughout a big chunk of the theater, if i knew that every piece of ordnance that we blew-up was not cleared to be free of toxins--or things that become toxic when they explode--then maybe it wouldn't bug me so much some times, but the short OJT that i had with the local EOD company (when i was hoping to attend their training program), well there were a shit-ton of things that we had to learn about NBC warfare/weapons, more than we had to learn as the e-4 12b that i was, and every detail learned about such weapons is scarier then a stephen king binge watch, times ten... all creative ways to mame or kill people in different lengths of time... different toxins require different delivery systems and methods of intake, explosions/fires of various temps can render certain/some toxins safe, and some of those render little-to-no toxic residue, and some others become air-borne delivered like vapors/gases/micro/nano-particulates... i can tell you that destroying the dictator's military weapons at the end of the war was a fvcking dream come true to combat engineers, we were finally allowed to use our knowledge and creativity with small simple things like c-4, tnt, det-cord and triggering devices... finally!, we weren't just stuck practicing laying out fake mine-fields, we got to use the ordnance that we were familiar with to accomplish a mission of making sure that the back-country was free of fighters and their weapons... if you like lighting-off fireworks you would have loved the opportunity to have participated... it was mostly bunkers full of mines and some of the smaller munitions used in battlefield warfare in the 60's--even though it was the nineties, the iraqi army wasn't armed with very current/sophisticated equipment, and the navy had already softened major targets with cruise missiles, and the pilots already softened just about everything else, so we were more of a clean-up crew really, we met very little resistance riding cross-country in our canvas-covered dump trucks, and our only actually 'fire-fight' was against someone (it only sounded like one individual actually shooting at us) shooting an AK at our convoy when we were supposed to blow a tank-ditch on a border road, just one or two knuckleheads that didn't get the memo that their country lost in zero-minutes flat shooting at us in our ordnance-filled five-ton, those knuckleheads prevented us from executing a real-life battlefield tank ditch with the shape charges and all of the other ordnance that we were sitting on top of in the back of the construction vehicle/dump-truck... anyways, the story is about releasing toxins into the air and knowing that a shit-ton of folks that spent time in the back-country of iraq developed respiratory issues, eye issues, nasal issues... i knew better, but the idea was that most of the bunkers were assumed to be 'booby-trapped', so you can't really inspect the contents of every bunker that was full of weapons, so you 'blow in place', it's sort of fun to blow stuff up like that, but not really the safest thing you could be doing, and especially if you have no background in safety measures and why they are used... the benefit of experience and time says that we would have been better off staying in our masks while we were in the desert, not mop-one or two, or whatever it was... wearing a charcoal-lined suit for such a length of time as to render them useless for their intended use in a very hot part of the world was the wrong kind of over-kill, but keeping the masks on would have been the more logical over-kill if there were to have to be only one... wearing those damn suits for so long really sucked, wearing the masks for that same duration would have equally sucked, but would have protected our eyes and respiratory systems from the toxins and severe amounts of particulates that we breathed-in from just driving around, most of the time it was dusty, and other times the visibility was like a blizzard... anyhow, i'm sure you get the point, i hope so because i have to run. -- ct

08-10-22 later: so to pick back up on the story of above, small-arms fire was enough to cancel our mission to blow the tank ditch, unless (perhaps) there were more folks around that we couldn't see, but an Apache helicopter sent a rocket or two in their direction, so returning fire was probably futile, but just a reaction, we certainly couldn't do what the Apache did, and frankly, none of our guns worked the first shot returning fire, pretty much all of them had a nasty CPL-desert dust type of residue to deal with, running them dry might have been better since we only used them the one occasion, hindsight... so the good news for our squad was that the shot-ton of ordnance that we were sitting on top of for that particular mission was later used to have fun blowing-up the bunkers and the hanger and that one airfield... the airfield thing was literally and figuratively speaking 'a blast' , there wee four hangers, and each squad in our platoon got one hanger to deal with, we got to use the ordnance that we had to render anything in the hanger useless, with a couple of rules though, 1 - we couldn't blow-up the MIG directly, but if suffered any collateral damage from the main blasts then it was OK... and 2 - we couldn't put a charge directly on the 6 - 8 foot bomb that was on the side of the hanger, it was one that would have been dropped by the mig... they let me get creative with some of the principles that i learned from the EOD folks back in CO, we rolled a 55-gal drum full of some fluid directly under the cockpit, and aimed two opposing shape-charges aimed at it's center... i never heard what kind of damage that the mig suffered, on the squad leader was allowed to go back and look at the damage... i don't remember how we resolved the issue of the huge bomb, i sort of recall that they didn't want to blow from the fuse-well, so i don't know if it actually detonated or not, but what i do remember is that when the brass set-off each hanger one at a time, our's made the biggest boom, not that i'm competitive or anything, but it clearly made the others sound like a fourth of july backyard show, our's shook everything and you could feel it in your soul... i can't even imagine veterans that endured warfare where explosions were going on like that with any regularity, even once is too much for some folks, even the survivors... so the combined stories from both posts are just my way of communicating that i appreciate the government making a concerted effort to help Veterans that developed respiratory issues from toxin exposure, many places didn't have much toxic environment, other places it was probably inescapable... i don't want to come across as a know-it-all, or an expert, but experience and time shape my perspective on this matter... our government sends me letters every so often tell me that they appreciate my service, they show their appreciation by sending me a little bit of money every month, they know that parts of me broke while i was working for them and they take some responsibility for it, many folks have suffered much more devastating injuries than i have while working for 'uncle sam'... i give zero political points for the brandon administration for getting this latest veteran's package together, but i'm glad that the folks who deal with pro-longed and chronic respiratory issues due to toxin exposure during their time of military service, some folks got it pretty bad, i only have the asthma-cough thing, and occasional flare-ups that are related to current environmental irritants, but some guys need steroids and oxygen to function... if you are one of those folks and your served in GW1 then you have my apologies if i contributed to your condition in anyway, i certainly didn't mean to, or try to, but i've dealt with guilt to the degree that it's important for me to write about it... so that's sort of what 'impacted moral grief/injury' sort of sounds like, it's different for individuals that are affected by it... but for those that do, please do yourself a favor and take the time to consider the Christian principle of God forgiving sins, a pretty horrific act of brutality happened to a historical person to help facilitate/illustrate forgiveness... even if you were a complete asshole there is forgiveness for those who recognize that they require it, and have repented... the sacrifice of a proverbial 'unblemished lamb' was instrumental in facilitating the concept of 'forgiveness'... much of today's culture isn't interested in redemption and forgiveness, they would rather use the worse thing that folks might have ever done to dismiss/dissolve any good act or memory of them instead... discerning right from wrong isn't always the easiest thing to do, we all get fooled/burned at some point in our lives, or a couple few times might be more like it... blessings -- ct

08-10-22 later than before:  i remember interviewing for one job, they put my in a big fancy office, and i don't know if they forgot about me, or were testing my irritability and patience spectrum... but the thing/vibe that i sort of missed, it was a vibe that i picked-up on after it was waaay too late, one guy that i met with, and i think one other too/two, gave subtle hints which suggested that i turn back, run-away, and never look back over my shoulder... a couple of years and hundreds of bottles of wine utilized for self-medication later, and then i started to get it, it became more clear that those folks weren't threatened by me, they were looking out for my welfare... that's a lesson learned a bit late, but the job was an awesome experience, i learned a bunch about GIS software (geo-spacial analytics), and utilization of the technology/software combined with overlapping demographic information for specific geographies... i know right... very cool... i dunno, i think the learning experience was good, i think i taught the cult-leaders how regular people think, but i could have avoided spending a lot of money on vino if i had only picked-up more on their warning signs, and had run and never looked back... it's a good memory for my resume... small businesses run by families can be pretty weird sometimes, and some more than others, and some for entirely too long... my advice to the reader, try to pick-up on warning signs from folks that interview you as a prospective employee, sometimes you might have to run... i'll have to see/check-in on them and see if they are still in business (UPDATE: they are still in business), they were a command-line product living in a GUI world, such a dilemma... they seemed to purposely keep their technology difficult enough that most folks have to pay for tutoring and processes that include more than one variable, i probably should have run and not looked back over my shoulder, but i met and worked with some very respectable people, but 'the family' didn't appreciate harsh reality and push-back, i really began to understand how big of a mouth and attitude that i have when i realize that i'm dealing with unrealistic/blind fools, i forget where i've come from, and the fact that i still have some ignorant blind-spots in my current state... i should just give my notice or quit when i realize that i'm working for folks that are hypocritical and/or unsustainable and would rather stay in their version of reality than humble a tad and accept truthful criticism... i've required much truthful criticism and beneficial education from being dumm/ignorant/blind/naive/rebellious etc, so i certainly don't present myself as any sort of a know-it-all, i'm far from it and i know/understand that, so, i don't fit in very well with some organizations, the one's with the biggest ignorant spoiled egos, those types of organizations don't really want to improve themselves at all, they just want to grow.  --  ct
08-09-22:  so this is one of those 'too much' personal information types of posts, i downloaded a bunch of my old medical records today, and have been scrolling through them, it's been a 'memory lane' sort of morning... things such as weight gains and losses, physical/emotional responses to various environments/stressors/transitions/nutrition, things like that... the VA folks have probably tried their best to help me the best way that they know how--or allowed to, sometimes i may have benefited from some of the medications that they prescribed for a season, and other times not so much, speaking with a decent counselor/therapist from time to time when life gets turned a bit upside down probably would have been the most beneficial... not every social-worker is a decent one, just as not every client is truthful or transparent or even attempting to approach reality (yes, i have trust issues and will keep even trustworthy folks at arms-length until i'm ready to open-up about certain things), just as not every counselor and client relationship works no matter what, but with that said i think one decent counselor is worth more to humanity than a warehouse full of psyche-related pharmaceuticals... for folks like me getting un-stuck from perceived 'societal norms', meeting physiological requirements, and performing work that doesn't compromise my moral and/or physical health is more helpful than a lifetime supply of pharma products, and stimulating the endo-cannabinoid system utilizing naturally occurring cannabinoids has been more helpful during stressful seasons than human created molecules, personally speaking... pharmaceuticals were one of my food groups for the better part of thirty years, but that also includes over-the-counter compounds/NSAIDs used to treat chronic pain before i started with the VA system, lifestyle changes were more helpful than trying to do nearly the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results, the drugs were essentially the civilian version of the military's 'just rub dirt on it and GO' mentality, ignoring root-causes and not making necessary changes are much of the problem, but understanding root-causes of negative effects can take a very looong time without a decent counselor, medication without counseling is a fool's errand if one really want's to get healthy... the unhealthy ways that some of us react to certain stimuli/stress/change is pretty interesting, and understanding the unhealthy ways that we react to such things is important for personal survival and evolution... looking at some of these old med records is a self-labeled 'brilliant exercise', history is awesome... moral injury/compromise/grief, whatever they want to call it, it's real, but i think the concept is similar to the christian religion's concept of 'forgiveness of sins', there is this Christian principle that God forgives our sinful past when we turn to Him and confess and turn from our ways if we are still doing it, and the concept of forgiveness extends beyond God forgiving our shitiness, it's goes to the necessity of us forgiving others that sinned against us, and it also extends to us forgiving ourselves of our prior shitty actions and behaviors, it's something like that... anyways, i wasn't planning on writing much, and now i have to go, but i have to give this concept more thought, when all you can think about yourself is the worse of your historical actions and current shitty circumstances then depression and even suicide should be expected, and the reality is that forgiveness repentance should be variables/consideration during those low periods, personal survival and evolution depend on it... kind of simple, right?  --  ct

08-09-22 later:  so before i go back and look for christian scripture references i'll just open by spouting-off my recollection of forgiveness, it's a fundamental and sustainable/logical principle that expands different facets of loving human behavior, if 'forgiveness' is required too often then the one requiring the forgiveness probably could use some professional help... anyways... i think the idea for beginners goes something like this 'the more fvcked-up you were the more you have been forgiven for', but that's after you come to grips with the reality of the nature of our Creator, and through the stories, teachings, and humble non-hypocritical lifestyle/template of the historical person mostly known as Jesus, He came and brought a more clear/complete picture of what God was saying through the early prophets, and forgiveness was a big part of his teachings, it was sort of foundational to a sort of re-establishing a relationship to our Creator as we all tend to go astray and get a little bit--or a LOT--weird and not cool in our thoughts and actions when we get too far into our own interpretation of reality, and the two most important commandments that Moses came back from one of his great experiences, although Mel Brooks humorously made the case for fifteen commandments in 'History of the World', but two of them pretty much sums them all up, and then they call one of those two the 'golden rule', so that should say a lot... anyhow, i'm not a religious pro, so look-up such matters on your own please, but 'forgiveness' expands from God our Creator to ourselves and back out to others, and then if we don't show forgiveness to others that we don't really understand/receive forgiveness from God our Father, holding a grudge eats away at the soul, but, extending forgiveness doesn't mean abandoning all commonsense and putting yourself or others at repeated harm, that should be self-evident... so my advice to the reader that deals with impacted-grief related to moral compromise/injury, or whatever you'd like to label it, my advice is to consider the multi-faceted principle of christian 'forgiveness', it's sort already there for you if you realize that you require it, whatever it was that triggered you to formerly act-out in way that you somehow feel regret, well, that's sort of like a personal-evolution, no one is perfect, even otherwise decent folks might be burning in their hearts/minds/souls, they need forgiveness as much as the person that acts negatively toward humanity, sometimes some religious folks call them 'demon possessed', and sometimes they are spot-on... so... forgiveness, today i repeated a term that i've repeated an unfortunate number of times in the past, that 'i'm my own worse enemy', which make's me wonder what i actually/truly/honestly understand/perceive of one of the pillars of my preferred religious 'faith'--Christianity--and that's 'forgiveness', if we make that sort of essential connection to God, and humbly confess our sins He forgives them, and expects that--now that we know better--we will quit doing it, you know, 'repent', when you feel bad about sh1t that you've done you are on a healthy path to personal evolution and reality, that's a great step toward your understanding of God's self-evident nature and logical sustainability, and then the extension of God's gift of forgiveness is graciously offered, but then there is this aspect of 'receiving' that gift of forgiveness that can be a weird variable/aspect/consideration... there is this other consideration too, that one of the devil's names is the 'accuser', that he will pester the unrepentant, and the repentant as well, and he knows when his accusations are working too, accusations like being too unworthy of forgiveness, of not fully forgiven, there is some consideration to that aspect of receiving God's forgiveness, recognizing that you have an emotional response to an old memory that is effecting your attention and function can be a battle itself, nothing that still haunts me requires any sort of restitution, but after experiencing something of a big personal failure of sorts, and left with entirely too much time to over-think everything and anything then forgiveness seems to erode in some respects, having multiple occasions where life seems to pull the rug out from your feet and feeling like a huge failure is like a breading ground for depressive thoughts and memories that might or might not be be super-natural in it's origin, it's a breeding ground to demoralize distract and render a person defenseless and ineffective... it's also when a person can entertain the thought that 'you are the biggest problem in the world, therefore, the world and everyone would be better off without you', that's sort of the prelude to suicide, compounded/unresolved stressors that effect physiological requirements will probably yield to additional unresolved physiological deficiencies and further/continued unsustainable lifestyle, maybe to some extent or another... it seems like 'impacted grief' is based on traumas where you realize that you can maybe over-react or kill, or to be killed/victimized/injured, i don't know, maybe, but it certainly comes with a new perception/appreciation/understanding of reality, maybe even shedding of some naivete... well look, you probably know that i'm not a professional anything, so research such matters on your own if they sound interesting or weird to you, they seem like important matters that are worth consideration... not all traumas are the same, but forgiveness and an appreciation for the hard lesson that you might have learned through your experience might be important for long-tem survival/health, and if the trauma/experience is useful to help others then you probably have an appreciation for truth/reality/communication and some aspect of understanding free-will, and typical human responses to shitty things/circumstances/experiences, i appreciate folks that know how to do that, turning shitty things around for good, there's sort of a redemptive aspect to that, i think. --  ct
08-07-22:  nice day yesterday, we visited extended family in southern ME, some were in from the mid-west, nice visit... allergies have been bad lately, they haven't got my lungs yet, but eyes, ears, nose have been flaring-up, my aging eyes can really do without the allergies, i have enough problems with them as it is, it used to be that i just had a slower than normal time transitioning/focussing from near to far, now it's very slow, and transitioning from lighting levels is getting terrible now too, it's not quite frustrating enough to make an appt with the eye doctor, but it's getting close, i don't think that's even helpful to go get an eye exam during allergy season... my hip is better than yesterday, but i've got some serious tension going on in a few body parts still, got to so some stretchy yoga-like stuff today to see if i can get my back aligned and loosened-up a bit... it's supposed to be hot again in rockingham county today, i don't think i have too many outdoor things on the to-do list, but slower and steady wins the heat race, and hydrating certainly helps... might be able to get some substantial writing in today, i ought to be taking steven king's advice and dedicating time everyday to it, i ought to finish his memoir on writing too, i got side-tracked with life and put it down for a few weeks... but today isn't a day to try to get through ought-to-do's, it's a day to just live and recover, and to be present to God, family, and neighbors  --  ct

08-07-22 later:  holy-smokes is it pouring outside, it's impressive... thankful for a dry roof over our heads.  --  ct
08-03-22:  busy day, lot's of little accomplishments and driving errands, and still there's more to go, nice little break though... i'm missing some quality reading time, i've been busy enough that i'm missing quality reading and writing time, just little spurts of both here and there, that's not good for me... lot's of distractions and obstacles and responsibilities, does that sound like you at all?  Anyways, today was some good catch-up, and now i'm trying to muster the energy/motivation to get into dinner-time mode, the food is just part of it, the family talking/interacting is best part, and dishes are about the worse part... by the way, don't think that God doesn't forgive the stupid or terrible things that you've done in the past, but He sort of expects you to understand that it was wrong, you might still have to pay restitution or serve punishment for some of it, but open and honest communication with our Creator, and living your life under the foundations and principles behind the ten commandments, most notably respecting both God and neighbor, well that's all a big part of life really, and having some sound 'sustainable' boundaries to maintain, most normal people live their lives respecting one another, they just might not call it a 'religious practice', or Godly sort of thing, it's just normal, and sustainable, and should just be common-sense, liberals/progressives/socialists/communists want you to do that but without telling you about the simple religious principles that most of the USAs founding father's practiced, that's not a sustainable policy for our constitutional-republic, there's a shit-ton of common sense behind the ten commandments people, it couldn't be more simple really... that's my non-religious but religious concept of the day, was that too preachy for you?  --  ct
08-02-22:  beautiful day so far, it's supposed to get hot later though... tons to do today, but will probably only achieve a pound or two... i was thinking of starting the resume project, but just remembered that i didn't finish an article on substack yet, i'll try to finish that during my writing time today, it's about certain types of guns, if you're not a gun-guy/gal then you might learn a bit from it and appreciate it, if you are a big gun-guy/gal then it might just seem sophomoric, it's just a primer of sorts, you'll see, if you want to.  --  ct
08-01-22:  august is coming in hot, pretty darn humid too...

08-01-22 later:  today's been a blur, i fixed a bunch of little things here and there, some dishes and laundry done, had a bunch of driving errands, still trying to get my hip back and shoulder into place and the tension relieved, and now i'm thinking about what to make for supper, and also trying to prioritize writing again... i've been reading more than writing lately, and that's good considering some of the topics that motivate me, but i'm completely out of  'the zone' with some larger projects, and i have been for a couple of months now, maintaining an adequate level of creative concentration is a hurdle of sorts, i'm thinking maybe it's a good time to start the 'resume' project since it's based on history that i know, and mostly understand; but then also considering an obituary/eulogy type of thing about my mom, that's been a stumbling block too, i think because biographies aren't my thing maybe, i don't know, it shouldn't be hard though, but it is... i think the resume book is a good timely exercise, it's just a working timeline really, so maybe it will be helpful to get a foundation and to prep for mom's paper/project... political stuff is still bugging me enough write about here and there, too many marxist/communists in leadership positions these days, their methods are not loving, truthful, or sustainable and are historically proven to cause more harm than good, they are great for supporting dictatorship governments and consolidating power to control the masses and keep the insiders and elites comfortable, but not great policies/methods for a constitutional republic, it's the elephant in the room that communists never want to address, look, i'm good with their minimum fifteen-percent corporate tax, it's not quite a simple flat-tax, but if we loose more manufacturing jobs to other nations it's to our own demise, i think covid should have taught us that lesson as well as a million other lessons, we depend on china to manufacture much-too-much of the things that we rely on, and they are growing more rich and powerful and getting very hostile and aggressive toward many other nations as they wish to expand their communist empire, maybe fifteen percent is a decent number, but don't go getting too crazy with corporate taxes, otherwise they exploit every loop-hole that an over-bloated tax-code has to offer, and put's too much dependence on foreign governments, hostile one's at that... see, there i go again, can't go fifteen minutes without thinking about politics, good grief. -- ct
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