02-26-21: i've been too busy lately, busy can be productive but being busy doesn't automatically mean that you are being productive... i've been somewhat productive but mostly just busy, when im busy but not productive its usually that im anxious/thinking about something that i havent been able to identify, or research, or complete... which is why writing is therapeutic to me, it gives me the time and opportunity to collect my thoughts by being able to use actual real words that best reflect the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head enough that ive been distracting myself by keeping busy... its an inefficient and illogical thought process, such as other anxious thoughts/actions but its me sometimes... if i'm not functioning with my 'a-game', do not slow down to write, do not seek help/advice from folks that can help, and are enabled rather than loved by those who are closest to me the 'anxious' behavior can turn into an unhealthy level of social distancing in its truest sense, depression... im glad i took the time to write this morning, although im not really sure what i'll write about yet (a real actual joke), im still glad that i stopped to take the time for a healthy start to my day, although it looks like i have a busy day a head of me.  --  ct

02-23-21: I had to call-out, identify, expose a compromised ego twice yesterday and it was equally painful and exhausting both times, one was in person, and the second was to help a victim of ignorant manipulation that was feeling the exact effects that the manipulation was intended for.  People that are prone to 'anxiety' and understand too much that they are not perfect are easy targets to bully, its easy to pick on someone when you figure out that they are overly sensitive and don't understand how to properly handle sloppy manipulation, and bullies need to be identified/exposed like what is beginning to happen to andrew cuomo because deviant personalities/ego will continue and get worse the longer they go unchecked... compromised egos exhibit dysfunctional behavior which is easily identified by most people... some people know exactly what deviant personalities are doing through their behavior, others know that the ego is 'off', others won't know how to describe it but they know something about someone isn't cool, they aren't quite right somehow but they still recognize the compromised ego that displays deviant behavior... and when someone with 'anxiety' feels like they were 'ambushed' by an uncomfortable encounter/situation but can't really articulate exactly what was 'wrong' with the situation the responsibility of a loved-one should be to help the person that is having difficulty communicating to be loving/respectful but unbiased to the point where 'anxiety' isn't describing the actual situation and how they feel about the situation but they can fully understand the full/big picture and what was wrong enough to trigger their anxiety.  Anxiety means lots of different things to lots of different people but sometimes its a misunderstanding that escalated to a very unfortunate and uncomfortable experience... figure out what triggered your unhealthy response and clear-up the misunderstanding, and if either of those things aren't possible please reach out for the help of others if those two things aren't possible or too unrealistic, you are worth it.  --  ct

02-22-21: I've recently written simple blog posts which speak to two sources of anxiety, or anxious symptoms, but the worse source for me on a personal level, well actually for anyone on a personal level is the blow to your integrity, your ego, your soul, your morals... whatever the actual real thing that kicks-up a huge dose of anxiety for me personally is the understanding that you/i have compromised our own moral beliefs to try to accomplish a 'greater good/goal', most busy people in regular busy society commit multiple compromises to their own integrity/beliefs in attempts to justify our own needs/desires and the devious people that want us to be devious accomplices to their shady devious business practices might be an example... but that's one example of the compromises that people make on regular basis that contribute to 'symptoms of anxiety'... you did something that you are now ashamed of... meaning that you know you did something wrong, something you know would victimize someone else and you have enough of a 'moral compass' to understand that you made a compromise to your own morals... or you continue to put up with the things that you hate about your current job but you continue to do it everyday, you keep doing what you know you shouldn't do so you get the same 'anxious hit to your ego' that the deviant experiences once they realize their mistakes... whatever the symptom and whatever the trigger there is something about anxiety, or symptoms of anxiety that relate to the compromises that you have made, or are making, and many times the compromises that we make on regular basis are not fully understood... we make the compromises M-F working at a job that seems to make sense because you know how to do it well, it meets or exceeds your financial needs, and it so it makes sense to keep doing the thing that you are doing even though it sucks, even though it s unfulfilling, even though you know there is something about it that doesn't sit well with you but everything else about that job makes sense to a jury of your peers, but you still know underneath all of the things that make sense and seem to justify the thing that you do or the job that you do you still know that it isn't really for you... you are making a compromise... it can be on such simple terms as black and white, but you know it's not right, that's a compromise that leads to symptoms such as high blood pressure, asthma type of feelings, inability to have control of a problematic situation... for me the compromises that i have committed against my very beliefs is the most difficult to endure ... when people consider anxious deviant symptoms and behavior in our own lives, the compromises that we have allowed ourselves to commit and when we leave those compromises left to their own demise for too long of a period the simple or complicated compromise becomes a debilitating compromise to our health, for me it is cardio-vascular problems as well as muscular tension... man those things really suck sometimes... i quit a job that i was good at but paid terribly for the stress put on my position... anyway, after two years on that job i have significantly raised blood-pressure even though i had lost weight and ate much more healthy.... the moral compromises had taken its physical tole on me and when the laboratory/scientific facts were presented to me in such a way as to make me understand that anxiety-related health issues were a regular part of my life now i had to make a financially  illogical and painful decision to leave that pathetically paying management position and seek something more humane and not profit-driven... its about the time that i became self-employed and literally went from managing several employees for a 'prestigious' endeavor and began digging holes and ditches for a large landscaping effort off and on for a couple of years, and i'm so glad that i took that cut in pay and accepted less 'prestigious' line of work because my heart and blood-pressure are in much better shape for it.  --  ct

02-21-21: if you look at some of my previous posts you will notice that i self-identify as a conservative republican from political, religious, and constitutional perspectives... and maybe if you noticed that you might also have noticed that i write about certain things and varying perspectives and my own opinions which are conflicting/contrary to many conservative principles... hopefully people who have read some of my posts understand those things, and some of those people will understand that everyone is unique and has independent thoughts/ideas and beliefs even though they are labeled as one type of person or another everyone is a unique individual and has various reasons behind the opinions that we have formed, and hopefully i can occasionally write from an unassuming perspective that might help other people to consider ideas that challenge their own ego, when people reconsider important thoughts and opinions that may have gotten in the way of them treating other people as equals some other people call that 'evolving', some people call it growing-up, maturing, flip-flopping, becoming a traitor, confused, moronic ... whatever it really is that happens when people who are willing to listen to other people's perspectives and become more humane in doing so, whatever that thing is it's a pretty cool thing to me because other people are too important to dismiss... and people that have no clue why some people think differently than them and won't spend an effort to learn more about differing opinions other than learning about those differences from like-minded opinionated people that also don't know why those other people have different opinions, well those types of people do not have our best interest in mind, they have their own interests in mind and do very little to make your house, your street, your community, your state, your country, and our world a better place... self-serving opinionated people have been elected to public office/government and have done a great deal of harm in causing division between people that are supposed to be respecting one another and living peacefully with one another and i call that premeditated injustice of the highest order when people that are suppose to understand what leadership entails and the responsibilities/qualities that leaders need to posses but then purposely cause division in order to manipulate people into demonizing people with other opinions i consider that an injustice that keeps bothering me enough that i cannot stop writing about it until mass-manipulation becomes more responsible... it is responsible to attempt to manipulate people by explaining to people why you think your ideas are different then your political opponent's ideas and why you think your ideas are better and your opponents ideas are not as helpful, that is the type of responsible manipulation that exists in everyday society it is called a free exchange of ideas, its called effective communication, its how civil people learn to get along and learn to appreciate the differences in others... but it becomes irresponsible when politicians resort to manipulative tactics/behavior that have been studied in deviant unhealthy psychiatric patients for centuries, when politicians use mob-mentality division, violence/bullying, demonizing opponents and opponent's supporters, and repeating the same manipulative 'talking points' through as many outlets as possible it has become irresponsible and that is why i keep bringing it up over and over again, and perhaps the next time there is another presidential election my kids will know how to not be distracted by shallow manipulation attacks/efforts and they will know why they are voting for the people they choose because all three of my kids will be old enough to legally vote in our next presidential election... i am one proud dad, even if my kids have differing opinions than mine i am proud of those kids and the character that they display, they are worth spending the time to teach them about the sorry/irresponsible manipulative behavior that divisive politicians with compromised egos practice... some of the behavior that i am trying to correct in myself is to stay away from irresponsible divisive actions, however, injustice is always worth the effort needed to put a stop to it, wow... im a 'conservative republican' that used the words 'injustice' and 'evolve' in a non-derogatory way, is that even possible... yup, it is  --  ct

02-20-21: im working on two short articles, or long articles based on readers perspective but one is difficult because it involves self-analysis of psychiatric/psychological manipulation and im just getting healthy enough to have straightened out some significant misunderstandings that i've have about life, and how i fit in it, and whats my role in life, and how my own compromised ego and false sense of what's important in life 'priorities', well how those things had been causing some misunderstandings in my own life and when certain misunderstandings remain misunderstandings for too long… well the result of my misunderstandings resulted in physical and emotional and straight-up ‘down to my soul' problems that remained unresolved for entirely too long... but the most fortunate thing that happened to me/my life since my last child was born had occurred at the end of the year 2020, the most fortunate thing that’s happened to my life in the past 15 years happened after 10 months of unemployment, 10 months of a highly emotional year which included constant television coverage of severely vandalized cities, leaders who refused to put a stop to the vandalism, people that were hell-bent determined to replace Donald trump with a more socialist replacement, and an infectious virus that killed over a million vulnerable people worldwide, and many americans that may not have realized that there is still unfortunate amounts of dark-skinned folks being mistreated by light-skinned folks in various ways that… many people don’t understand, some people may have noticed, and other people who still experience in painful variations almost daily … the fortunate thing that happened to me after constant watching television and more specifically news television for those painful 10 months happened when I realized that I was anxious about things that I had no control over and I had also run out of and chose not to refill two prescriptions that were to 1 help me sleep, and 2 help various other symptoms grouped under a blanket label of anxiety… people that are taking prescriptions for those types of things should never just stop taking them because that can really screw up your body and mind to the point that it becomes more problematic than the symptoms that you are taking those medicines for in the first place.  But for me attempting to end the use of those two medicines seemed logical, because one of the things that got me most ‘anxious’ and I put the word anxious in quotations because in my case the symptoms of anxiety was more or less getting upset to the point where my blood-pressure would get elevated for an unpredictable period of time and the mental anguish that I felt over not being able to control my situation and understanding/anticipating many of the inconveniences that being stuck in slow-moving or no-moving large roadways near overcrowded areas, some americans simply call the problem ‘rush hour traffic’… once upon a time in American history traffic was painful but almost predictable for an hour or so depending on which ‘city’ you were trying to drive in and out of to conduct your days-worth of employment, you have too many people trying to fit into too small of an area all around the same time and you end-up with an hour-glass type of obstruction, a bottle-neck, traffic congestion… call it what you want to it sucks when its something that you force yourself to endure or happen to run into its still terrible traffic… I am noooo good when I subject myself to bad traffic and especially if its on a regular basis… so given the fact that I was unemployed and no longer wasted several hours of my life in unnecessary traffic I thought that maybe I could get away with dropping the medicine for ‘anxiety’ related day-time symptoms and see whether or not it was a mistake (so far so good), and when I realized that the second prescription, the medicine that I was taking for ‘sleep’ was effective for certain psychiatric conditions and happened to make people quite sleepy, but not an appropriate medicine for use in long-term sleeping problems in people that may not have certain psychiatric conditions… I remember that when the v.a. appointed psychiatrist that prescribed the sleep medicine to me mentioning that since most commonly used sleeping remedies didn’t help me, and since there was maternal history of certain psychiatric conditions in my family the doctors thinking was to utilize this different medicine and that it was overall an established and safe drug for long-term use so lets give it a try, and it worked well for awhile but it didn’t work well to solve the actual problem of why I ‘couldn’t turn my thoughts and mind off when I should be sleeping)… but it was what I wanted though at the time, I just wanted to take a pill and get on with my busy anxious life, I did not want to get to the root causes of why I couldn’t sleep… so when I stopped taking that medicine and had realized how cloudy it had made me throughout the day it was another part of why 2020 was a great year for me… it ends up that the nice doctor that had prescribed those two medicines to me had left the va healthcare system and when I had called over a year or so later to get new prescriptions for those medicines a new nice person nicely explained to me why she didn’t want me to keep taking the sleeping medicine, and to go back and try one of the other one’s that wasn’t so effective for me in the past… so I did, and it still sucked, but… but I sleep much better lately, I haven’t had to resort to the ineffective medicine for a couple of weeks now, so again, so far so good… it wouldn’t be wise if I had mentioned that I have eliminated two prescribed medications for what are technically psychiatric reasons without mentioning another important thing… all while withdrawing from those medications I have supplemented with cannabis-sativa, as the FDA calls it… some people call it medical marijuana but the Latin name is cannabis-sativa but I just call it cannabis, if you don’t know much about that subject I can explain that there is no actual thing distributed in America from the regular places that you can purchase it from, there is no such thing because ‘medical’ cannabis is the same thing as ‘recreational’ cannabis because they both typically come from the same growers and are both tested through the same laboratories and that reason is because there is medicine in cannabis no matter what reason people think they are in ‘taking’ it for… unfortunately for people that actually benefit from the medicine that naturally occurs in those naturally growing plants many governments world-wide had adopted the same classification of ‘drug’ that’s contained in those plants (that its bad, really really bad) and had adopted laws which prohibited further medical use/research of cannabis, and that was bad, really really bad… because instead of trying to understand/researching the actual medicine that is found in those plants these bad laws forced farmers and profiteers of those plants to seek alternative means of income and so became a ‘black-market’… fortunately too many years later smarter/cooler-heads are prevailing and smart people are thoroughly researching what the actual medicine is doing to the people that could use it, they know about some diseases and other psychological conditions that it is very helpful for but they still lack funding for research mostly due to existing and preventative laws as well as the ignorant and pre-conceived opinions that most people have about the plant, the people who provide the plant, and the unknown reasons of the people who ingest the medicinal compounds found in ‘these plants’… I say ‘these plants’ because there are many naturally occurring varieties/strains of cannabis found throughout the world, and each of those strains have their own unique medicinal qualities, they have their own DNA, it might be a difficult and lengthy process to break-down the dna, compounds and molecules that make up each of those naturally occurring plants but it would probably be quite helpful for smart people to understand why the medicine in those various strains can help different people with various ailments, but some smart people will do it, they will make sure that they have a better understanding, or can ‘scientifically prove’ how those various naturally occurring chemicals help fight some diseases as well as suppress overwhelming psychological symptoms, but… but since many people world-wide still understood that there is medicine in cannabis and world-leaders that wouldn’t spend the time and money involved in further understanding the plants medicine we have a resulted ‘black-market’, and some smart people in that black-market began ‘cross-pollination’ of various strains, and then other enterprising people began cross-pollinating various strains and newly-created cross-strains or some people refer to them as ‘hybrids’, and now instead of a hundred or so naturally occurring varieties there thousands if not 10’s of thousands of manipulated strain hybrids that are sold/purchased world-wide everyday with little scientific research backing up what is good about the medicine, what is bad about the medicine, who can benefit from the medicine and who won’t benefit from it, which strains contain the compounds that will be most helpful for certain conditions and which strains certain people should avoid at all costs… at least the folks that are smart about horticulture understand how to safely grow it, how to safely dry it and how to safely preserve it for as long as safely possible, so people that benefit from cannabis’ medicine can safely purchase safe cannabis free of pesticides, herbicides, inappropriate fertilizers, free of mold and other harmful things that nature and poor farming can leave behind… in other words when people who can benefit from some of the medicinal qualities from cannabis can purchase safely grown and preserved canna they don’t have to purchase poorly grown, possibly chemical compromised products of unknown strain/origin that may not have been harvested at the appropriate time which can render many negative ‘side-effects’ of cannabis, and haven’t been inadequately dried which can leave mold/mildew and other negative natural reactions to formally beneficial compounds, and haven’t been transported in unsafe temperatures, or haven’t been transported in the sweaty underside of someone’s breasts, or down the ill-hygiened crotch of someone else… I guess im trying to say that I have a better understanding of why a particular family of strains of cannabis when properly grown and cured and consumed at the smallest beneficial quantities without pushing into euphoric state is helpful for some of the symptoms that I was taking professionally prescribed molecules/drugs for… One other unfortunate side effect of disallowing medical research for cannabis is that the people that could benefit the most from what the plant has to offer has to approach finding the best strain for their disease or other affliction is that there is a ‘try and see what’s best for you’ approach to finding the best cannabis variant for individual needs, smart people can give you an extremely vague industry-standard guess at whether an indica-based strain is more helpful for your needs or whether a sativa-based strain is typically more helpful to treat your condition or disease or which current hybridized sativa/indica strain is achieving better results for one thing or another but without scientific research and appropriately written laws I can tell you about as much as the professional that is selling me the product… that sounds a bit like a gamble, a crap-shoot of a process to see if the medicine helps your medical requirements but not so much for the parents of a child that suffers debilitating and life-threatening seizures, they are not overly concerned about what of the many strains of cannabis will be the perfect one that brings normalcy to their child after so many man-made molecules/drugs have made symptoms a little better or maybe even worse… those parents are just elated that the product that the professional has provided to them is helping their child where traditional pharmacology has failed… it’s too bad there hasn’t been enough scientific/medical research to know exactly why cannabis is a great anti-seizure medicine for some horrific medical conditions, if there where perhaps we could go a little further to figure out which strain or hybridized strains are most beneficial to someone who requires anti-seizure medicine… But similar to the use of traditional pharmaceutical practices there doesn’t seem to be medical professionals that take a blood sample that will give them the information to prescribe the perfect and available drug, instead some medical professionals will prescribe a medicine or an array of medicines that will most likely help with your condition, they start with the one that is most likely to help and after a trial and error process of they may stumble on the best one that eventually fixes you or eases your overwhelming symptoms… the first drug made me sleepy, the second one made me sleeping and sick, the next one made me … I have experienced an interesting experiment of medical professionals doing their best to help ease the worse symptoms of anxiety and occasional depression, they did their best and at times had prescribed medications that helped me significantly for unpredictable periods of time, and when side-effects of those medicines become menacing enough there is usually another medicine to try that could potentially help, but then again it might not, and just like there is no dna test to make sure that you are taking the medicine that will perfectly fix your problem there is less of a chance of a dna test that would let someone know if a certain strain is the perfect one for them… So you can understand why medicine can be unpredictable in a sense and that is a problem, and why classifying cannabis as unknown and dangerous thing is also a problem, a problem which hasn’t been resolved, in fact it’s a huge problem because the usa federal government still won’t admit that it was wrong in its false cannabis ‘classification’ as a drug which has no medicinal value and is considered too dangerous for use… fortunately there is more than one country in the world, and some of those countries are allowing research on cannabis… but the huge problem is actually a personal problem for me… I am in a very low tax-bracket and have been relying on the usa Veterans Administration Healthcare system as my medical doctors and insurance and since the federal government still refuses to admit it’s mistake and take corrective action I am legally not allowed to ingest any form of cannabis-sativa… and the other problem is that I am what many people consider a ‘patriot’, I am a person that loves our country and hates injustice enough to fight to the death to preserve the freedoms that I am allowed however I have an opinion that although I have our country’s best interest in my mind they do not have my best interest in mind because they still purposely won’t acknowledge the beneficial medicine that is found in a naturally occurring plant, and in that arrogant and ignorant decision to dismiss the value of cannabis my country’s leaders are deliberately and arrogantly and ignorantly depriving me of the most effective medicine that I have taken for symptoms related to ptsd that was ‘caused’ by trauma while working for them… here is a life-hint for you, if your physician’s opinion is that cannabis is a dangerous ‘substance’ and not worth further exploration they do not have your best interest in mind, they have a compromised ego and are unwilling to consider that they might be wrong, they are compromised because they are letting their opinion/assumptions based on very old and barely scientific research that they read about and are also influenced by very opinionated people with no true scientific data to back-up their ignorant opinions, and they let that get in the way of being able to put their patient’s best interest in mind… anyway, I don’t think I will require cannabis forever, because just as life-events/circumstances can become over-whelming enough to cause physical symptoms such as anxiety I have begun to understand the reality that I am no longer in some of those over-whelming circumstances, I have a healthier perspective about a bunch of things that used to shake me to the bone and so I probably will not require as much medication as I once did, and eventually, probably, maybe, hopefully  won’t need any, unless I get one of the diseases that cannabis also helps quite a bit with… until then call me what you want, label me as you like to label people that ingest cannabis on a regular basis, and when science proves what millions of people have had an obvious yet vague understanding for thousands of years, which is that cannabis contains naturally occurring medicine, and when science eventually proves that will your negative opinion of cannabis and people who benefit from it change then… probably not but hopefully so... Suggested Reading.  -- ct

02-15-21 later: we've had the first minor waves of the storm begin to throw rain, freezing rain, and hints of snow already, it shouldn't be significant but forecast of icing effects is what has me a bit nervous, we have experienced at least two significant ice storms in the 20 years that we have lived in this small community in n.e. usa, and by significant i mean weather conditions left a heavy and thick coating of ice on top of everything that it touched... to the point where our small town lost main electric service from 4-days to the worse which was 9 days, thats what makes me anxious when weather forecast indicates a strong possibility of an icing effect, the trucks that spread preventative mixtures to help prevent and melt ice are busy on the streets already so we are probably going to be inconvenienced for an unknown amount of time, like many challenges/obstacles in life we will just be inconvenienced for an unknown period of time... i have to mention what trucks are attempting to do, and what ice storms are and that there will be a measurable amount of discomfort because many people in the world still do not have electricity, so they won't know why that is an inconvenience, some people in the world do not have a shelter that most people in modern society would think is safe, or adequate to keep bad weather, or insects, or predators away... not to mention luxuries of having electricity, and safe drinkable running water, and the safety of removing human waste out and away from their shelter... many people in the world do not have the luxury of living in a shelter that had a place to cook food, or to place food in storage thats adequate for food safety, or to comfortably rest at night on a surface that is adequate for most modern societies... sometimes i experience symptoms of 'anxiety' when i realize that all people need to live is food, water, shelter, and other people yet i am privileged to live in a small part of the world where those things are available in abundance and to unimaginable limitations but i feel some symptoms of anxiety when i know that some people, many people in the world do not have access to clean safe drinking water, to nutritious safe food, adequate safe housing... and they don't know what they don't know so they don't know how to ask for help, and they don't know how to overcome obstacles in life that many people in modern society never have to consider, they never have to contemplate, they don't even think that it's a real issue to anyone anymore because we live in a privileged society and have our own 'over-complicated' concerns, or issues, or things that we choose to dwell on... we dwell on selfish ego-based issues because living in a very populated area in a privileged society where social acceptance and selfish ambition are prioritized instead of actually helping other people that aren't doing so well... it's thoughts like that that also make me anxious sometimes, sometimes my anxiety is based on things that bother me and are beyond the help of my current limitations, it's out of my control and i think its 'wrong' so i exhibit anxious behavior or symptoms... sometimes i don't realize that i am feeling anxious because things that i think i should be able to fix but i am unable to fix upsets me, it upsets me when i simplify that idea into a 'the world isn't fair' mentality and i want to fix something that is out of my control... many times the simple way that i think i want to fix a situation would cause many other problems because the thing that i think should fix the problem that is out of my control in the first place is a misperception of what actual problems are... so sometimes the world is a better place when i am feeling a bit anxious instead of trying to fix things that bother me that are completely out of my control... egos are a funny thing sometimes, but helping other people acquire basic/essential human needs is not funny sometimes, its just always awesome, its awesome because its important... one of the reasons that i write is to let my kids know and understand what sorts of things are important in life, hopefully i can communicate to other people that aren't my kids to know/remember about the sorts of things that are actually important in life too, whats important in life are simply the things that we require to live and to share our excess/knowledge with those who have difficulty with the important things in life.  --  ct

02-15-21: we're getting a storm in a bit, there is a possibility that we will experience an icing situation as a result, nature is nature so whatever, by i always fear loosing electricity during those storm events so im a little anxious, but probably over nothing. i notice that most of the 'anxiety/friction/conflict' in our household of 5 people are results of poor communication, people don't say what they really mean, we are too distracted or sleepy or hungry or dehydrated... to clearly articulate what we are trying to communicate, but then we assume that everyone else knows exactly what you meant ... thats part 1 ... part 2 is how everyone else reacts to what you were trying to communicate. if you were communicating something with too much of your over-emotional ego meaning you were came across as angry or upset or really sad or overwhelmed then the part 2 is how much slack, grace, understanding, compassion the people around you are willing to extend, or if there someone around you that is combatant in there response to your poor communication, they are going to 'call-out' your misunderstanding or warped ego or temporary insanity... the combative response is artistically portrayed in the following quoted term in a movie, if you don't know what i mean search a web browser for 'i'm your huckleberry' it was in a usa western styled movie, that is how i would use media to convey a combative response to your misunderstanding and laziness to research why you don't understand something before making an egotistical over-emotional manipulative response, i mean when i act angry, or depressed, or really upset, like sometimes when people are over-emotional they simply don't understand and are offended by something so i over-react to my own perception of reality, sometimes i'm 'anxious' because the world and life and truth and reality isn't how it is appearing to me at the moment and i over-react somehow, somehow and on varying levels i have an outburst whether it be an internal blood-pressure raising response, or not breathing properly for a little while, or cant sleep at night, or i just cannot articulate the way that i feel at all but im overwhelmed and upset... or if my outburst is external i come across as a real butt hole to those around me, i can be as big of a knucklehead as anyone when i don't feel well/right and don't understand something, sometimes the people that i love the most experience those moments... sometimes a simple misunderstanding and assuming, not asking relevant questions to the correct people to help solve a misunderstanding triggers all sorts of strange behaviors in people, including friction, or conflict, or division and most of the time its to the people we are closest to because we think that they should know what we meant when we don't take the time to really say what we mean, not what others are supposed to assume that we mean... Fortunately we don't have tons of friction in our house but when we do boy do we do it with drama... fortunately most of us offer understanding to those around us when we aren't feeling very well and over react to misunderstanding or if we just want to be left alone, of if we need someone to talk to, or if we are extra tired, or need to eat, or need to hydrate... you know the times when we are most susceptible to misunderstanding something and get cranky... most of the time we act as a caring loving family that respect one another and are humble enough to talk to others when we aren't feeling well.  --  ct

02-14-21: happy valentines day.  --  ct
02-13-21: since ive been sitting with a couple of kids a few days a week my routines have been off and ive been having a hard time finishing a follow-up article to 'manipulation 101', its challenging in itself because i sort of let myself go and wrote an opinion of what i felt like i wanted to say to anyone and everyone that wanted to read, but it was basically why democrats always win the urban/suburban votes, and their... , well you'll see... but then ive given myself some extra time off so i could go back and analyze what i wrote from a less biased perspective... a self-analysis basically. the self analysis is actually whats taking the longest because im breaking down the multiple methods of manipulation/persuasion that i used in my long short-story and in doing so it is painfully obvious how much im still a bit sore from the year 2020 in america which concluded with a presidential election which is still tearing voters a part... im still upset with the concerted effort to paint donald trump and anyone that voted for him as threats to america. im still upset about my opinion that the typical hype leading up to most presidential elections was surpassed in the 2020 usa presidential election included collusion from so many sectors that make LOT's of money from expanding their presence to the chinese consumers, and that many democratic and some republican law-makwers have been compromised by chinese governmental manipulation toward a socialist forecast for america... well at least thats what i believe at the moment, but im not actually a 'conspiracy theory' type of guy either, i just have a perspective that includes more information that what is going to effect my life today type of approach to life, i am interested in different people from different places, im also a veteran of usa military for a very short period of my life where i acquired a high level security privilege, which included a mandatory briefing that just for the simple fact that my name now exists on an official form as having that security privilege that foreign intelligence will know about my upgraded privilege in the very near future... even if i haven't seen one classified piece of communication yet, just the fact that i now have a higher than average privilege i will now be know to foreign entities that do not have my best interest in mind, well not just my best interest, but certain aspects of america as well, like the real-deal some spies will know about you before you know it kind of new reality in my life wake-up call that i had to be aware of in order to finish some aspect of my character profile or something, but that is a reality that most americans with no military or government experience will comprehend, but its still the truth, its still reality whether you think about that or not. i hope i dont come accross as a military big-shot or important person, i wasn't, i had ambitions to seek a different path in the military which required a higher than average privilege to learn about important aspects of that different path... it ends up that i never followed that other possibility so the limited time that i held this privilege was seemingly inconsequential, thats all, im no real important military big shot yet i still had to demonstrate to the individual that educated me about the reality that spies will now know about me and if for some reason they think im important enough and easy enough to compromise they will try to do so, so the same person that told me that and probably had to make sure that i fully comprehended that reality in order for me to receive such privilege... well if i was an insignificant enlisted person that had to understand that then how much more so should an important officer in the usa military have to understand that same reality... so the information that made its way to most major american news outlets during the summer of 2020 that it is a fact that cali congressman Eric Michael Swalwell had been compromised by a known foreign national from a hardcore communist government... yeah, he had been compromised several years after receiving a very similar briefing by some u.s. security person that he was now going to be a potential target to foreign nations that do not have his or his countries best interest in mind... yeah, that same congressman that had to be briefed by u.s. security people that he had become compromised by a spy... so thats one variable that i will mention tonight as to why my opinion that the 2020 presidential was disturbing on many levels, because my perspective is partly based on actual life experiences of a real person/me that has thoughts/concerns about 'national security' for americans best interests when i decide whom to cast my vote for, well i guess thats a pretty loose/vague way of partly describing my opinions about some things so try to also understand that even after cong. swalwell was compromised by an agent from a pretty hostile regime, even after he was clearly told to be careful of that very sort of thing, even after those briefings/things happened he was appointed by his 'big sister' cong. nancy pelosi to be a significant part of our country's intelligence committee... yes cong. nancy pelosi who is also an elected official from the same state of cali, and the same political party as cong. swalwell was in the position to be the person that gets to appoint him to the most secret committee that congresspeople can be privileged to do so... cong. swalwell is also the guy that has been one of the democrat attack dogs going after trump for things that he was eventually acquitted of multiple times... he is one of the biggest compromised ego attack-dogs running wild on behalf of democrats who has also been compromised by chinese spies trying to tear down trump since the day he took office, compromised ego, compromised integrity and is still allowed by his big sister cong. nancy pelosi to learn and disseminate usa's biggest security issues... thats one small reason why i will fully articulate why the division that democrats, socialists and u.s. industries which have expanded their market into china and the concerted effort that they made to cause division in america near to the point of civil war just to replace one president with another, with their guy, well it is important enough to share with my kids... most people wont care about my political opinions, good you shouldn't, but when the typical 4-year pres election turns into such a divide in our country its worth me mentioning my observations and opinions to my kids... everything within me hopes that there will not be such a divide again in our country like there was in order to replace trump with any worthy opponent as was the case in 2020, but there is a chance that there could be equally as bad or worse divide caused by mass manipulation and if that is the case then i certainly want to continue my effort so my kids will understand how easily people are manipulated and when rich powerful important people want more power and more wealth will go through great efforts to manipulate the public by causing emotional upheaval and unstableness with social pressure and other bad things, thats all im saying about that tonight... im just saying that it might be obvious that there are still some unresolved issues with me and my observations of the division that was purposely caused in america last year and has unfortunately had stoked enough boldness that it is still carrying on through careless adversarial political attacking so it's got me mad enough to write about... and thats the reason why writing my next article is difficult, because it involves a perspective on a short story (art?) and the communication/manipulation that might be conveyed through my artwork, but im writing that analysis about my own ego and it hurts a bit, so its hard, its hard because i can see that im still emotional about my observations and those weaknesses are painful when exposed and exercised, you know, like 'the truth hurts' kind of thing, the truth hurts sometimes. -- ct

02-12-21: happy friday.  I remember republicans effectively calling/labeling john kerry as a 'flip-flopper', you know, the kind of politician that changed his view/opinion/perspective about an important issue... I don't even remember what they were calling him that for, i don't remember the issue... but... i don't mind politicians/teachers/leaders/anyone that is a flip-flopper, in my opinion a person that changes their opinion or position is a sign of maturity, it tells me that the person judged/thought incorrectly and now they have changed their perspective.  Try real hard and be honest with yourself... when was the last time you humbled yourself enough to take a new fresh look at something that's kind of important, take a look or give your attention to something, or someone that you have judged with your limited understanding, your limited education, your limited experience and decided to take another look at other people's perspective?  It's a healthy thing to do when you can slow yourself down enough to consider.  Your ego, my ego, everyone's ego is a complex mixture of how we view ourselves, how we view others, how we expect life to be, what we think is normal, what we think is not normal, what we think is funny, what we think is outrageous, how we compare ourselves with others... egos are weird, egos are weird because people are weird, people are weird because we are all imperfect, yet our ego will lie to us and tell us that our opinions/assumptions are perfect, they aren't... our opinions and assumptions are only partly true, they are only partly correct, they are limited, and they are mostly wrong, or just partly correct.  It's healthy for people's perspectives to change as they grow, learn, mature... being a flip-flopper isn't a bad thing... being a flip-flopper is only a bad thing if the reason that you changed your opinion is if rich manipulative people have bought your new opinion, maybe then it's called being a sell-out/hypocrite, then it's not a healthy part of growing and maturing, try being a flip-flopper in a healthy way and see if you appreciate anything differently now.   --  ct

02-11-21 wicked early: its too early to be up, but i am, i'm awake way too early.  i don't have a ton to do today, i'll mostly be fixing things and running around doing chores... fix a couple of lights for a friends, fix something in daughters room, finish building something for my son, then there is daily chores, dishes, laundry, food prep, rides for family members that need rides... all of that good stuff that american stay at home parents do... but the good part of doing all of those chores is that i am helping the people that are closest to me while doing so, and i will be around some of the people that i love the most while doing so, and i will be available to assist my loved-ones as needed throughout the day... im looking forward to day, but bummed about being up much too early for it to begin.  --  ct

02-10-21 even later: there is one thing, one thing that i require of everyone that i come into contact, everyone that i ever communicate with with must humble them selves and must understand this in order to communicate with me, if you want to talk to to me you have to shut up and listen before i'll even listen to you, shut up and hear what you have to know in order to talk to me... that you are my equal, i dont think you are any better than me, or any less of me... im in no position to judge you because i don't know you and i know that im pretty messed up from time to time so i understand that none of us are perfect but i will still treat and respect you as my equal... maybe some of the 'customer service' oriented jobs that i've participated in were beneficial to my employers because i didn't judge or pre-judge the person that i was 'helping', maybe i'm kinda good at customer service because i see you as my equal, as equally as important or as equally least important than you, i personally think that i am the most unimportant person that has ever lived on earth, so i assume that you aren't all that important either... some people, but not every people, but some people do not compare or judge themselves with other people because that is an over-complication of thoughts/variables, but some people know that they are equal and don't judge you and just expect you to be the person that you are, not what i think you are, or how you think that i think that you are, some people cut through those over-complicated equations and do not judge you as you assume that i am judging you... please don't ever think that i am the person that thinks less of you than i do of myself... that's way too shallow.  --  ct

02-10-21 later: i am a fixing machine, fixing stuff and contemplating other stuff... i find myself thinking of friends and people in my past lately, sentimental, maybe... but i find that i'm able to understand why i appreciate the people that i do and why i dont appreciate others as much.  I used to catch myself staring off blankly when trying to understand why i feel what i feel and being too busy to ever stop and really understand why i find some people interesting and unique and why i appreciate or dislike them.  I have been known to get lost in my own little world of thought while trying to come to grips with whatever thoughts are bouncing around my head... i still do, but im a bit more productive with my thoughts now, I don't settle for shallow/quick opinions anymore because quick and shallow thoughts are dangerous and misleading and judgmental, that's why.  But why i quit assuming things that im ignorant about i find my thoughts much more productive and other people much more acceptable... maybe it makes me more acceptable too... who knows.  --  ct

02-10-21: the kids im sitting were good today, until they weren't, but the situation quickly diffused so i'll call that a success for the day, the cute cuddly dog is the biggest distraction to their schooling... at least its a cute cuddly dog and not anything destructive to their well-being... they are good kids.  i'm back home getting ready to fix some things and do some chores... thats life for a stay at home dad.  -- ct

02-09-21 later: i wish it hadn't taken 51 years of life to realize that i'm a homesteader at heart.  if i had realized that at a young age maybe i wouldn't have gotten caught up in pop culture and chasing material items when i could have just learned about living a simple and self-sustaining lifestyle and learned to appreciate what the earth has to offer instead of chasing experiences and shallow dreams full of indulgences. maybe if i had realized that at a younger age i wouldn't have met the people that i met, and experienced life in the ways that i have... maybe if i got too out of touch i wouldn't know how to boot up my computer, but maybe i wouldn't appreciate the simple life that i desire now, maybe 'the grass is always greener' is an american saying that speaks to human nature... who knows, but im not a sophisticated, complicated, educated, privileged guy ... im a simple guy caught up in a complicated lifestyle where social acceptance and herd mentality rule the day... anyone know of a job where a guy can create a new 'american dream' by moving/living off grid and still part of a community?   thats my new american dream, its just to be able to live on a piece of land where i wont be infringing on anyone else's land, and i won't be distracted by entertainment and social manipulation, and to be part of a community that treats their neighbors as equals and lends a hand to help each other in times of need... and on that little piece of lane... that i don't have to 'own', that piece of land would provide enough natural resources to sustain a healthy and simple lifestyle... thats my american dream right now... it might change tomorrow but it probably wont.  --  ct
02-09-21: Its snowing again in northeast usa, i'm home with two of my own kids today, got a few projects going on to make our lives more comfortable, fixing broken things, painting... just a regular old snowy day for an unemployed stay at home dad... that's mostly what i've been since last february, just about a year now.  i'm not completely unemployed, technically this website is a part-time job, it doesn't pay worth a pot of beans but its not really supposed to, so i am employed, sort of.  Writing is enjoyable to me, I had forgotten that a bunch of years ago, when I only wrote if i had to... writing things like persuasive email/letter to important people, a job manual for other people, how-to instructions for other people, but this is different... this website is different because i'm writing about things that are important to me, for my kids, i write on this website not to earn a living but to teach my kids and anyone else that wants to read about things that are important for basic survival, important for life, important for self-help or self-discovery... so it's important, maybe.  reading the contents of this website is only valuable to people that understand that they aren't perfect, and everyone else on this planet is your equal... if you are too shallow to understand those two important but simple things then this website is not much use to ya my friend, if you think that you are perfect and that you are more important or less important than anyone else this website might be of some use to you... come back and read when life feels out of control and people don't seem to understand you and your perspectives... come back and read when you realize that you don't have all of the answers to life and are having a helluva time trying to understand people, or your situation... come back and read then, maybe there is something on here for you after-all, who knows.  the next article that im finishing is on political manipulation, it expands on a previous article.  I think it's important because when you understand proven and effective methods of manipulating people and then look back at what happened to america in the year 2020 you will begin to understand why its important to write about, that's partly why i do what i do, I write life lessons for my kids and helping them cut through people's manipulation tactics and keeping their distance from popular culture's herd-mentality/mass-manipulation is extremely important life lesson for my kids and anyone else that wants to read... the more 'screen-time' anyone has behind tv, internet on computers, or internet/apps from a smartphone the easier you are to manipulate... you are easy to manipulate if you allow yourself more than an hour or two of screen-time per day... it takes less time for some people, and more time for others, but screen time is mostly one directional media, you only gain the perspectives from the limited sources that you go to for entertainment purposes, or from your selective 'channels' for news, etc.  I have manipulated everyone that reads this article because i am writing with the intent to make you understand my perspective... i hate manipulation when other people do it... and i hate it even worse when i realize that i made a bad attempt at it myself, when i 'feel like i need to persuade' others, i hate writing when im emotionally feeling anything that is 'driving' me, that's when i can write up a whole lot of manipulative garbage, when i write with emotion i usually need to stop
and re-asses my motives and my ego, and THAT's manipulation 101, when you are reading an article that is written in a way to trigger an emotional response you are being manipulated, or at least someone is trying to do so, the article might contain some partial, or half-truths...just enough of one side of a perspective to trigger an emotional response, and then follow-up with enough 'conviction' and my side of the perspective to tell you how you should think, its easy right?  Yes, it was.  -- ct

02-07-21: its 'super bowl sunday' in america, its an unofficial holiday where a large percentage of the american public (including many other people in other countries around the world) focuses the greater part of today consuming entertainment (football game), consuming specialty foods/treats, consuming beverages/adult beverages/alcohol, and doing those things in the most desirable/comfortable locations... its the day where we pay an abundant amount of attention to entertainment while over-consuming life's essentials... its the day that epitomizes 'america/americans' to many other people that are not americans. Now that i wrote all of that i will walk down to my favorite convenient store and grab a 4-pack of my favorite beer/ipa, some of my favorite ladies went grocery shopping yesterday so we have food, and i'll catch some of the game. i enjoy watching some sports for brief periods of entertainment now, not to the degree where i used to have to watch them, i still enjoy running around to get my heart rate up and exercising lung capacity while throwing, or hitting, or kicking, or flinging some type of ball around, i love that sometimes, and other sometimes i like to compete, i enjoy social competition that revolves around sport, but not to the level of priority that i once gave it.  I also grew up in a suburb/city of boston, ma and grew up appreciating/loving anything red sox/celtics/patriots/bruins and anyone that didn't love those teams as much as i did was 'stupid' or some other derogatory insult. one of the reasons that i don't follow team sports so much anymore is because boston sports fans have become spoiled over the last 20 years... to follow any new england or boston sports teams for the past 51 years i appreciated when one or two of our teams were good enough to compete in post-season... and occasionally win it all... but those team victories were surrounded by years/seasons of disappointment which gave us a healthy balance of expectations and keeps our ego in check if we have a high priority or over-consume sports for entertainment, like life, high-points are great and all but they don't necessarily need to be chased after... and the lower points in life happen whether we want them to happen or not, we might as well make the most of those experiences too, they are usually opportunities to learn about yourself and other people that you haven't paid enough attention to in the past, low points help people and families and other teams realize where they have been giving too much priority in some areas and not enough priority in other areas and get a better perspective about whats really important and how to get better... anyways ... boston sports fans have become spoiled by the success that each of our major sports teams have had over the past 20 years or so and its not fun for me anymore, only in small doses... but the excitement that tom brady and rob gronkowski brought to new england patriots fans for past bunch of years makes me have to watch at least some todays ballgame, man i love watching those two guys compete and tampa bay is back to a winning season again after giving their fans a bunch of years of reality/life/failures. --  ct

02-05-21 almost bedtime: the kids im hanging with while they do remote learning did awesome today, they had their moments but they crushed it, i was proud watching them kick into gear and get their work done, they crushed it.  My son raised his hand in an oath to enlist in the usmc yesterday... what was he thinking... marines... i take full responsibility as a father to not make him understand why the army is a better option... but whatever, im wicked proud, he knows whats important in the next stage of his life, he committed to it and is moving forward in his goals... marines..., whatever, im still wicked proud... i love that young man, he will serve his country honorably. -- ct

02-04-21 later: analytics are funny to me depending on the amount of variables considered in ones interpretation of numbers and their parenting fields... i like the simple ones provided by this web-hosting service.  i don't want to know which individuals view any particular page, im not into intelligence gathering, but using the three basic sets of numbers given suggests that this clunky ugly simple website is important, in less than a month of essentially unadvertised outside of facebook simple FB solicitations (open posts to anyone that reads to look at a new article on this website), simple black and white, authored by an american high school graduate un-privileged old white guy is funny/unexpected, if i wrote about socially important stuff maybe, if i were highly educated and networked with influential people maybe, if i were credentialed in important things maybe still, but i didn't expect certain 'analytical numbers' yet.  Anyhow, analytics are cool and encouraging that writing to my kids and anyone else that wants to read is whats important in life right now, thank you.  --  ct

02-04-21: You will find it on multiple pages throughout this website that continued parenting is a big part of why i write, it's a living journal for my kids to look back at, help them from time to time when they need to refocus on priorities and figure out how to make important decisions, and hopefully help them cut through the emotions during emotionally distressing times, who knows, but its a big part of why i do what i do, its to continue parenting. Continued parenting should also include getting 'straight' with your kids when you realize when/how you failed them, how you let them down, how you forgot to focus on important things instead of being busy and distracted by other things that were less important... it should also include meeting their current needs especially when their growth and maturity are increasing at exponential rates and you realize that they are adults already, and wtf, seriously, and you remember how you and your 'own stuff' prevented you from instilling simple, basic, important life-lessons... continued parenting should include that... it should also include future lessons, teachings, thoughts, ideas, wisdom, opinions... it should also include things that the future thems will want/need to know someday, things that you know aren't relevant now based on their life experiences but are important for future thems to consider someday, you know, in the future. Parenting never ends, legal and moral control does, but the love that parents should have for their kids and the wisdom that we attempt to share never ends, it shouldn't end to our kids and it shouldn't end to other people in our community that may benefit from it. Education based on a healthy perspective on things taught and things learned and taking the time to communicate those things that are important enough to share with other people is what i mean by continued parenting, and thats partly why i do what i do. -- ct

02-03-2021: My son is in Maine today and tomorrow doing some exciting things regarding his future, i'm psyched for him.  The snow is already melting a bit, just a little bit, days like this living on the equator is appealing.  I'm going to fix a bunch of crap now, dad-duty, i go fix things now.  --  ct

02-02-2-21: What a day, we got about 12 inches of snow overnight, daughter's car was repaired in record