...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i'm not a professional anything, so there will be ignorance written below, but i trust that the reader can discern the baby from the bathwater, i do hope to stimulate your noggin enough to do some of your own research using your own critical-reasoning... i write for my own health, and to my offspring/kids, and to anyone else that cares to read. --  ct

 05-29-22:  nothing really to write, just checking in... visited a church about 30 miles away, they had a 'late service' which was at the perfect time of day as far as i'm concerned... nice place, friendly folks, solid message, seemed like a well-balanced service, i think i recognized some faces and voices but didn't stick around to socialize after the service ended, i decided to go on a very last-minute invite and most of the family were actually still in bed when i had to leave the house to arrive on-time, so i was in and out... i'll bring the family next time, and catch-up with some old friends while we are there...

... i'll be addressing some 'political' matters in some larger posts over the next day or so... i was so chill and happy being a by-stander as i took a breather, but the communists and deep-swamp are relentless, and when there aren't any natural-crisis to divide and instill fear they are motivated and creative enough to manufacture and trigger their own hollywood-type of productions/crisi/panic and division as usual... sooo, i'm more than happy to inject my opinions/words on some hot-topics... i'm all for unity in community/states/nation/globe, but i'm not for demanding hypocrites that fvck around with other people's freedoms, money/rights and dictate policy that their closely networked associates don't really have to do themselves... hence the word 'hypocrite', right?  when hypocrites dictate policy and use the money that we earned to enact policy that fvcks a bunch of it's citizens over while, jacking-up the cost of EVERYTHING to help their own network under the guise of 'public interest' i can get a little testy... the way that many law-makers made demands of citizens, and ACTED completely different when off-camera during the 'covid-era' should have woken you up as to which political party is full of the biggest hypocrites, right?  --  ct

 05-27-22: brought Mom home today, actually it's her ashes that i brought home, the best part of her has already moved on to the next phase of life... the separation of our physical form from our soul/spirit is an awesome idea to stew around the old noggin, it's the basis of every religion that i've read about thus far... i'm certainly no religious expert, but it's my understanding that the way we live our lives and what happens after physical death is pretty much what many religions are all about, well, tradition/culture seems to be a big thing too... i did make a good connection with God while learning more about Jesus in my mid-twenties, fortunately God hasn't given-up on me yet despite the fact that i more or less ignored Him off and on too many times since then, stubbornness and impatience and impulsive behavior are some of my biggest obstacles to spiritual growth and personal evolution/refinement that i'm aware of, i'm sure i'm full of others too... do you know what yours are? i think it's good to be transparent with ourselves and God alike, if God is omnipotent and omni-present then we more or less live within God, so it's not like we can lie to Him or try to fool Him, we can do that to ourselves as much as we want to, but better to be honest and transparent and humble when conversing with our Creator... i'm not a religious professional, so i don't like to write too much about religiousy things/matters, but God is a big part of my life, so i can't help myself sometimes i suppose... my Mom was pretty religious when she was conscious/present, so maybe she'd appreciate me writing a bit about the subject, maybe, possibly, probably... anyways, brought what is left of mom's physical remains home today, in a small plastic sealed box... tomorrow i'll move her into a nice baggy, it gets humid enough here that she'll turn to cement otherwise, and then the baggy will go into a clay pot, and probably stay there until she is scattered where she wanted to be scattered, i say 'probably' because i already broke a couple of small chunks off the pot last week, so there's no telling what else might happen to it... maybe i should put her in the gun closet, after-all, it's the safest room in the house.  --  ct

05-25-22:  so the 98 volvo has a check-engine light, it runs pretty good for an older car which is why i didn't check the code at first, i just cleared it.  after clearing the code the car started to run a bit rough but settled back to a decent idle and reasonable acceleration, but around the time that it did that the check-engine light-up again... mmm, maybe four or five days later.  so i ran a scan today and it's a p0442 (small evap leak), so i have an idea of what i'm chasing now, i wish the old car wasn't such a naturally low profile, chasing system issues on low cars really sucks on the old back.  with that said, i knew it was going to be a project car that has 'good bones', and it basically needs one or two of everything except for the things that come in threes and fours, so it's going to be a summer project i suppose... but first i start with seals and hoses to see what's up, i'm sure that something has deterioration or is missing or unattached or is pinched, hope it's not larger fuel-system issues causing the grief... starting with this, and will probably get on some volvo groups/forums to see what some of those guys have to say about the matter... anyways, i'm awake now, and taking on today's chores.  --  ct

05-22-22: it's supposed to be a hot one here today, i think we dodged a bullet (not literally) yesterday, they were predicting 95 or so and i don't know that it even hit 90 in newton, but it did get a bit sticky for a few hours... but today is supposed to be the hot one, 95ish. i installed another air conditioner yesterday, this one in the living room window, big stupid-heavy thing kicked my ass, it felt like i won a battle once it was ready to power-up, today i have to shore-up the two that are in the bedrooms, insulate the accordion-style side-spacers, the a/c in the living room just about fills the width of the window without extending the spacers much, but the bedroom one's are tiny things and you can feel the heat of the sun on the plastic spacers... i hope to write a bit today too, i've got a few chores to do, but hope to give an hour or two to a project that i'm working on... i had some great conversations with a few different folks on the phone yesterday, not sure what today will bring as far as conversations are concerned, but most of the family will be around too, so there is bound to be some good talks today, and probably some laughter too... also going through some of mom's things today, there is stuff to donate, and stuff to give to others for memories, and i still haven't found the mother-load of the photos yet, they are around here somewhere... i had some good conversations yesterday regarding end of life care, and ensuing arrangements, today i need to give some more consideration into yesterday's advice, and formulate some practical next steps... if you wonder how a guy can write about a parent's recent passing with clarity and ease it's because it happened after i experienced two of the shittiest years of my life, and i finally got my head back into healthy reality, so, that just means that much of the emotional responses that i've had were during some very sobering moments following my own existential crisis, so without dwelling on death/passing too much you have to realize that the only certainty with life is it's eventual transition/passing/changing, and to see a loved-one pass so peacefully and comfortably just sit's right within my soul, everyone's journey is different and unique, the journey is much easier when things sit well in your soul... i might try to do some religious type of thing too, today, maybe watch a church stream or something, it is sunday, so there ought to be plenty to find... enjoy your sunday  -- ct

05-14-22: nice morning, the traffic isn't very consistent yet, it's still early enough that it's peaceful and quiet... wish you could hear the birds, they are quite loud actually, they yell at each other over the neighbor's feeders, and sing looking for mates, i haven't seen any chicks yet this spring, but there ought to be some fuzzy birds chirping for their parents by now, too... it's going to reach high-80f again today, so we might get the hoards of insects soon enough... i've got plenty of outdoor work coming-up between finishing the patio that i started last year, and working on the car as well, i was hoping to do most of that work while it's in the seventies outside, not the eighties, the eighties means that i might be wearing a sweatband so i can see what i'm doing... i have some arrangements to work on, i'll rent a small function center, and provide some appetizers and refreshments, those two things are next, then some keynote speakers too, it will mostly be non-professional religious people doing some readings and prayers, i'll try to work on that over the next few weeks, i think sending some 'thank you' cards to some of the people and organizations that took care of mom is probably in order, it takes a special kind of person/gift to provide the level of care that lower-functioning people require... family is up and about now, so signing off  --  ct

05-13-22: happy friday... a week ago i visited mom at the hospice center, i thought i was going to say good-bye basically, but it turns out that she lived for another 2 days after i went home friday afternoon, so i got two more days with her, and one of those days was sunday--you know--Mother's Day, so it turned out that last friday's good-bye was just a 'good-bye until tomorrow' sort of good-bye... so it's supposed to reach 80f today in Rockingham County, i'll have to grab some fans out of the shed because the bedrooms will be roasting temp by 17:00, but the rising temps and extra daylight is good for the soul, about 20 minutes of accumulative exposure to get a daily dose of vitamin-D, and it's enough time to help with other hormones to ward-off the seasonal depressive changes that most folks experience to some degree over the winter months, being outside and doing something where the radiation is hitting me for twenty minutes has tremendous health benefits, i'm not going to spout them off, do a bit of searching the subject on that internet thing of yours to see what health benefits you can get just from being out during the day... the current fog is supposed to burn-off and the radiation heating on my shoulders will feel good today, just got to remember to put a hat on my terribly exposed scalp, the scalp sunburn is about the worse that i've ever experienced... it's friday the thirteenth and i have an annual physical today, maybe it'll be as lucky as last friday was, last friday i thought i was going to say good-bye to mom for good, but it turned-out that it was just an overnight good-bye.  --  ct

05-10-22:  i guess you could call what i did last-night 'sleep', i did some of that at a few points here and there, it could have have been ten times worse, but it's a bad time to run out of the sleep Rx... i'm thankful that i don't really have much to do again today, having the opportunity to process thoughts and to follow-up with certain matters is somewhat of a gift... i'll head out to pick-up the possessions that mom had at the nursing home prior to her going to the hospital and then the hospice facility, there are probably more pictures in mom's possessions than anything else, it'll be fun to look at them and remember mom a bit differently today.  --  ct

05-09-22: i don't know how much i'm going to write, or to which topic of interest to focus writing efforts at the moment, but i just started a paper that is centered around my Mom, for now i'm just calling the paper 'braids', i'm just calling it that because i sort of have this branded-in image of her braided hair, mom was a hair-stylist for many years, i think she would have appreciated the way that hair was braided for her last few days, she looked pretty... i appreciate the fact that i have a wife, and some kids that still live at home, so i have some physical/social support as i go through whatever grieving sort of thing that i'm still going to deal with... in my case most of the 'grieving' was done before she passed, so the desire to control sh1t that i have no business trying to control (mom's health and failing body) was the beginning of the grieving process, knowing that mom was beyond 'fixing', and that her body was too weak to survive, those things combined with knowing that there wasn't anything that i could do to 'help/fix' her condition, that aspect has always been a challenge for me in life, when you have empathy for someone or something that you wish you could change/heal/help, and you come to grips with the fact that it's beyond your desire to help, when you know that there wasn't much more than aggressive treatment which would might have extended her physical life by weeks to maybe a month, and that those treatments in themselves would have been traumatic to an already failing body... so most of my grieving probably already happened, but then again, sometimes you don't know when stuff like that hits the mind... but i appreciate the well-wishes already, your prayers were strong, mom's transition was peaceful with zero hint of suffering... so what more can i say, she made peace with our creator years ago, she tried to do right by God and by others once she restored a severed relationship to God when she learned a bit more about Jesus, and a sacrifice/substitute for punishment of shitty thoughts/words/actions, that's just the crude way of describing an aspect of our religious preference... and so it seemed as if Janice Ann Terlizzi had peace in her mind and her soul/spirit despite what was going on in her physical body... i don't know how a son could have wanted to change anything for mom's passing, she seemed responsive until around 3:30 to 4:00, and then from 4:00 to 4:30 she sort of dimmed/faded like an old light-bulb, so what can i say, and how would i complain of a thing, it was a peaceful closure and transition to whatever it is that she is experiencing now... i think of a body and mind that had been broken to some extent or another for many many years, and so somehow i have peace that that's not the case anymore... so, 'God speed' Mama, thanks for ensuring my life for so many years, i understand that everything that you achieved in life you had worked very hard for until you couldn't do it any longer, you transitioned as well as you could to many of the challenges that you faced in life, and overcame many obstacles and challenges that have killed some people, you beat double-lung failure a bunch of years back, you beat colon-cancer more recently, so i was almost shocked to learn that it was 'just going to be' infection that ended-up taking your physical life, and 'thank you' for making some of the more difficult decisions already, you made things as easy as you possibly could have for me, i trust that we did right by you, and you appreciated the way you finished this physical life... and see if they will let you sneak me a dream or something so i know what your next phase of life is like, see if they'll let you do that... love you Mom. -- ct

05-08-22:  happy Mother's day... i'm in the middle of the weirdest one... saying good-bye to mom, the hospice venue is beautiful, she is relaxed, and i'm trying to spend some time each day with her... a mother can be a person's first real friend, it's hard saying good-bye to old friends, especially your first one...

05-08-22 later: she passed... whatever it really is that really happens to folks after our physical life ends, yeah man, whatever that next thing it is, well that's what's going on with mom about now... it was comforting to me to know that she was comfortable during her last days and hours... i've shifted my attention and writing priority when i learned how ill mom really was, i have plenty of thoughts that i'll have to release over the next few weeks or so, but i have sort of a thought for a paper for mom, right now i call it 'braids', if you saw her these past few days you will know why i picked that particular word as a sort of book-marker/place-holder... people leave some sort of imprint on others based on experiences with that person, or even by their written words, to some degree; and then there are physical thing beyond our reputation, assets if you will, we also leave certain physical things behind when we pass -- the documentation plus the physical equates to some crude thing that i want to simplify by saying 'legacy'... we remember people the way that we are capable of understanding/remembering people, it's pleasant to remember people when they are in their prime, sometimes it's helpful to remember them that way; and then sometimes folks only have the capacity to remember the worse in folks, sucks to be you; and today i want to remember mom the way that i saw her, but saw her beyond the shell that her physical body had become, so it's 'braids'... i don't know who put mom's hair in the braids, but it was pretty, and so braids it is... i'm going to remember her pretty braid right now... tomorrow i have to get the last legal/financial matters regarding mom, but for now i'm just thinking about mom's braids, and her final peaceful moments... let me tell ya something, weirdest fvcking mother's day ever as far as i'm concerned, but one of the gifts that i got to have this mother's day was having a mother to celebrate for one more mother's day, i consider that one more gift from mom to me, i had one more mother's day with her... i know, pretty cool right... i thought today was really going to suck in a really bad way, but it turned out to be rather pleasant, mom was peaceful when she passed into whatever it really is that we pass into, i'm trying to take religion out of my description of today's events, and if i do so i would say that mom's passing was about as peaceful as you would hope your final moments to seem like, so today wasn't so shitty afterall... God speed Mama, good for you today, you had peace with your creator and that's all a son could hope for... braids.  -- ct

05-06-22:  i'm writing on borrowed-time, meaning that i took the ambien already, and once that baby kicks-in i'm about done... so, borrowed time... i spent the better part of today hanging out with my mom, she was transferred to a beautiful place where she'll spend her remaining days/hours... i have a ton of thoughts and memories and feelings and to-do items bouncing around my head today, much of it needs to digest for a few days (probably) before i can really begin to formulate/articulate/write anything worth passing on to my own off-spring, but it was a good day with my mom today... it's friday today, and other than end of life care/time it's a perfectly regular friday, i think... anyways, mom seems peaceful and comfortable, and that's all i really needed to write for tonight... i have much to write about, but i just have to live and appreciate the remaining hours with mom, until she moves on to the next stage of her life... the new car drives OK, it needs a bit of TLC/sweat/parts, but it'll do for now.  --  ct

05-04-22: if anyone reads this in the near future, please pray for me, as well as the other person that i'll be speaking with very shortly... pray that i won't be an asshole, and that they will be honest and transparent, and cognition of their actions and current state of health, pray something like that maybe.  --  ct

05-04-22 later: wtf... that's sort of how the last twenty-four hours seem, at least concerning a few loved-ones... yeah man, it's been a 'wtf' sort of day or two, so highs and some lows all sprinkled in nicely in balance and harmony... but, wtf... anyways, i didn't go through a couple of years of figurative 'hell' to let the mental-health recovery experience not be useful to others, even the ones who aren't quite ready for the help yet, you have my attention know that i know how bad things have gotten, and i will be persistent now, i'll help you fight, but a clear perception of reality has to be an end-game/goal, but i'll fight with you. with the understanding that touching/grasping/entering/experiencing/accepting ultimate-reality is where we are heading, it's only as scary and difficult as your defenses/stubbornness make it... let's take a step back, smell the fresh air, take a look at a tree budding from early spring, can you hear the birds chirping and singing, and the rustle of a gentle breeze or the sound of the water... nice... so it goes something like this... i'm in a fvcked-up place right about now, i know it's not cool/right, and i'm sort of 'off' right now, so how do i quit knuckle-heading around and get back in the game, get with the program... i think there is a bible-thing, one of those stories from thousands of years ago about some prodigal son that found himself in piles of pig shit before he started to have some clarity that he had taken a bad turn in life and needed help regaining consciousness... i don't know how the story goes, ask a professional religious person, they can tell you how it goes... i don't have fancy clothes and food and shelter and celebration to offer, but i'll fvcking help when i know it's required, but you have to know that it's a challenge which requires humility and effort to get to where you can bring an A-game to life again... you can get there, you still have some sort of an A-game left in your tank... how about this time maybe consider the words and life of an old-timer named Jesus, he died pretty young, but he had some seriously good insight to share with folks that would listen... i'm going to proceed under the presumption that to embrace the gift of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection that we all as individuals must sort of relate to being wrong about things, and know that we can get pretty fvcking weird when we get off-track in certain moral things, but understanding what was actually wrong with previous/current actions and behaviors and logic is sort of an educational and personal evolution that allows us to partake of the next step in recovery, experiencing a new life beyond our dysfunction and ego and unhealthy tendencies... understanding that we fvcked-up (again perhaps), and that we know that we fvcked-up is that whole 'knowing that we have a problem (sin?)'... i'm happy to remind you that you have a problem, and to encourage you to get off your ass already to take the next step, seeking help... you already know you have a problem, so let's get turned back in the right direction doing the things that we know are beneficial... today has been one of those 'wtf' kind of days, sometimes you find yourself in a healthy and sustainable and content lifestyle, and sometimes your eating a shit-sandwich served-up with a kick in the crotch for desert... i think God wants us to report back on all such seasons of life, he just wants us to be real... i think God is a 'personal' God who is much closer than we can really imagine, and the faster that we understand those simple ideas the more productive and efficient and thorough is the recovery, and maintenance steps... i'm here to help, but how about letting God in on the recovery effort too... the universe is calling, do you hear it's gentle voice, or is it knocking on your forehead like Biff on McFly... either way it doesn't matter to me, but you do, so i'll help fight, c'mon.  -- ct

05-03-22:  wet tuesday in rockingham county... i have plenty to do today, and will try to update this working paper here and there too... i think part of my first couple of paragraphs were sort of introducing myself a bit too much  --  ct

05-02-22: blessings on your birthday Joe...  pay attention in class, you'll do fine on the test today so long as you bring your rested/hydrated/nourished body plus your attention ;-)  --  love, dad

05-02-22 later:  i'm working on a paper to submit to an organization, nothing too big, it's just to their blog where writing-styles are limited only in creativity, i like that... so writing anything (communication to anyone) can be more efficient and meaningful when you know who your target audience/reader is, or who the person that you're speaking with is, what they know and don't know, and what information that you can pass along to them that might be useful and timely... i think i'm beginning to understand some of the audience, and what info might be useful and timely, so i'm writing about firearms :-) oh yeah, that's write/right, guns baby... i think it's timely because it piggy-backs on one of the primary writer's latest posts... so i think it's going to start something like this 'when shopping for a sword to replace your tunic consider the three-gun competition'... whadaya think... i'll start writing it and pasting links/resources in another part of this blog in a minute or two... it was mentioned to me a few months back that they are accepting guest authors/contributions, and frankly speaking i'm a bit intimidated by the exceedingly 'high IQ' of most of the readers, and i didn't want to just write something just for the sake of writing something and produce a piece of crap for such a viewer/readership, hence the level of intimidation (maybe fear?)... but, now that some of that is cleared-up in my noggin/soul, and i think i can positively contribute to that blog, then it's time to do something about it... right.  --  ct