...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i'm not a professional anything, so there will be ignorance written below, but i trust that the reader can discern the baby from the bathwater, i do hope to stimulate your noggin enough to do some of your own research using your own critical-reasoning... i write for my own health, and to my offspring/kids, and to anyone else that cares to read. -- ct
December 2021
12-31-21 early: well, so much for a good night's sleep, i tried to make-do with a couple of melatonin gummies, it was worth a shot... but hey, happy new year's eve... however, i will not see midnight to celebrate anything... this past year was one of pain and growth, or to quote a rap artist, Joy, and Pain... Sunshine, and Rain... anyways, God is great, and greatly to be praised, and his ways are to be embraced and appreciated... 2021 was a looong year in many respects, but it was also quite productive in many ways... if we could liken our telic 'antenna' to that of a cell-phone tower, i would say that i received some well-needed maintenance and upgrades this past year... you know, the oxidation was treated, and the wires that the rodents were chewing were partially replaced, etc... may 2022 be one of expansion, and not much contraction, for you and i alike... i'm probably still a bit too sleepy to write with much more, i think it's time to enjoy some coffee and to read a bit... God bless. -- ct
12-31-21 a bit after 0500: i watched an interview with C. Langan recently, and he mentioned that he really appreciates 'creativity', and he stated it as if he was lacking it himself... i would argue that he is full of creativity, whether he think's so or not... if you look at the way that he communicates what it is that he is communicating/writing then you can clearly see much creative exercise, i love it. -- ct
12-31-21 later: i just realized that i have to go back and read this whole website in the near future, it's really just my journal, it's really just a long-ass prayer--if you will... so now that i've been re-calibrated to a certain degree over 2021 i can re-read, and analyze certain writings with better perspective/clearity, and i can see what environmental things had changed when emotions ran deep, and possibly whether i can recall nutritional changes or hydrating needs, and any other input/output physiological considerations, i know that sleep has been terrible... in fact, most of my early writing here was in the zero-dark:thirty-hours of the night when most normal folks were sleeping... but i think one of the reasons that i choose to be pretty transparent and reveal too much personal information sometimes is for folks that fell under a category of PTSD, this website should encourage the wounded/imprinted mind and soul of getting back in the fight... it's expected by the majority of society that when humans are subjected to an overload-overwhelming-painful or just 'wrong' event or experience and fight-freeze-flight becomes useless when
your preferred outcome to
an event is simply out of your control (maybe it makes us feel useless or inadequate or weak?), and then part of you get's stuck in time in some respects... but most folks think that we will be able to just dust the dirt off of our clothes, and the snot and blood off of our faces, and be able to quickly adjust and learn as much about the imprinted memory/memories and this new awareness in life and to just move on to live a very fruitful and productive life... and the same majority of folks wouldn't know how to offer help to folks that have had some nasty experiences which can have those sorts of effects... it seems that everybody's interpretations of, and reactions to stimuli is unique as DNA itself... but i think in my case it's sort of like being partially frozen in time maybe, and as the imprinted memories and the initial feelings that were associated with that experience are combined, and then you get glands that start secreting hormones that need not be secreting at that moment, and so the blood-pressure can rise or depression is the order of the day, and then the mind get's stuck in neutral so to speak, i don't really know what exactly is going on in the big picture as far as that's concerned, but some professional smart people label part of it as 'impacted-grief'... everyone is exposed to hardships of different sorts and degrees through various periods of our lives, some folks have more nasty experiences than others, some folks have more obstacles to overcome and hills are a bit steeper to climb sometimes, but learning as much as we can about the big-picture of the experience and how and why it may have changed your perspective about life and the reality of things like pain and empathy and suffering, those things can be gifts of some sort when we aren't hindered by them, when they do not distract us from being healthy, but become manageable and useful for future consideration... in some respects i've had one or two traumatic sorts of things that were obstacles that prevented me from further harm--or, worse roads that i was prepared to travel, they were like god protecting me and guiding me through the valley of the shadow of death, it's said that god doesn't subject us to things which we are not capable of handling, i don't really understand enough about that to elaborate on, but i believe that principle even if there are open equations to the theory, but getting trapped in time is robbing us from moving forward and utilizing our gifts and resources and operating at as much potential as we still have left in our tanks, some folks quite believing in our strength and capabilities/utility, the imprinted and emotional memories become traps and distractions that prevent us from moving forward, and the same holds-true when we are having difficulty with basic physiological needs that are found on the bottom of maslow's graph/triangle/pyramid... there is a nasty connection to the way that we react to stressors/obstacles when we aren't getting adequate nutrition/hydration/sleep and God... yes, the God that never give's-up on us even when we might have given up on ourselves, but awareness of our environment and needs, and strong cognitive functioning, and maybe even lot's of fight are critical when we find ourselves in troubling times, in survival situations, so i write about too much personal stuff to encourage the reader, especially those who require more than others...
... so, as i was saying a bit earlier... it's sort of important for me to go back and re-read everything that i wrote last year in order to see what my year was Really like, i started writing bursts of frustrations and emotions around Sept or Oct of 2020, and then got this blog up at the beginning of Jan 2021, so it's been about a year since i began 'journaling' in various capacities, and writing as much as possible, and reading as much as possible, and carrying-on with the rest of life too, it's been a looong year, but a productive one... but there is so much more work to be done, actualizing utility is still a bit of an issue, i've got to start earning regular income again, maybe that's what 2022 will reveal, another paragraph in another sub-chapter in another... -- ct
how many triangles,??????????????????
the person that i stumbled accross this game from said four, i originally guessed eight, but the longer i look at it the more i see, i'm at eighteen now, but i'm not very good at these sorts of things, and the instructions don't define if the triangles are bound/outlined, can't each shape can be cut in half to give you two more, and they can be cut in half to yield more, etc., but i'm not counting the unbounded... anyways, i enjoy these shape-puzzles, i wish they included more detailed instructions though, but maybe they leave it a bit ambiguous for a reason, i dunno, but for now i'm sticking with eighteen -- ct
12-30-21: the Epoch Times published a story with some brilliant aurora photos, if you appreciate stunning visual effects from nature an not virtual realities then check out their page, and maybe even subscribe to their service... warning though, they send you a sh1t-ton of email so you should refine your desired notifications... but all of the photos are brilliant so i thought i'd share the link. -- ct
12-30-21 later: i've recently read something about sleep, and deep sleep, and in some respects it reaffirms the necessity of healthy purposeful sleep... i'm personally trying to overcome chronic insomnia, i think most of the sleep trouble started when i got on late-night partying in my adolescence and youth, and then i think i recovered a bit from the circadian interference for a few years, and then it got bad again when working third shift for a couple of years, and then i recovered a bit from that too, and then there were several years of our infants who had trouble sleeping in their own-right, that also contributed... so reading about sleep, and then combining that topic with a phrase that i just learned called 'telic recursion' (don't just sit there, look it up), well it's got a guy trying to get/put better emphasis on sleep hygiene/health... a hint to the reader... screen-time, and checking anything backlight within an hour of desired sleeping isn't wise, especially if you know that you don't get good consistent quality of sleep... and then, consider that the more exposure to ADD-yielding apps and platforms and other chronic screen-time that the reader allows then the more distracting a lifestyle and impulsive behavior, and the further from actualizing our potential we become... professional @ssholes know how to stimulate glandular secretions by 'simple little apps' and other audio-video simulations as well, i am not very happy about that... osme of my sleeping problem is physiological (nasal and skull structure), plus hydration/nutrition, and then some environmental (humidity and air-born irritants and hazards), and some of it might be telic interference--or 'contraction' as well... i'm hoping to improve upon the aspects involved with sleep that i can actually improve upon in the days and weeks to come... sleep... we really need that stuff you know. -- ct
12-30-21 more later: ha ha ha... i love seeing Ralph driving down main
street on one of his tractors, it makes me smile... there is a
television series that i enjoy, it's just called 'alone', i like it
enough that i could binge-watch a whole season per day, if i didn't have
a life to live... i think when i hit a bit of a low point somewhat
recently there was a resounding survival theme that sort of played over
in my head, which is that all a human requires to survive is food,
water, shelter and fire too for many logical reasons... those sorts of
things provide the basic physiological needs that we require, but sleep
is a huge part of that, military folks need to keep evasion in thought, but that's not always the case for most folks that are trying to get their way to a more long-term venue (or rescued/saved)... the shelter and fire help with keeping a
short-term environment temperate and maybe warding-off pestilence and
predators and to see at night and food and water related things, but sleeping is a huge necessity for
survival and welfare... the longer that any of those physiological needs are
lacking then the greater risk to our long-term survival... we
put plenty of sustenance through our pie-holes, but sleep seems to be
necessary for many different reasons, i understand that i'm not the only
person who get's a crappy night's sleep with regularity, i know folks
who have it worse than me as well... personally speaking i'd rather not consume professional
Rx for such an infliction--just to try to get more than a few hours
of uninterrupted sleep... i wish i could remember some dreams too, i
almost never do... i need to start paying better attention to
quality/depth of sleep... it seems rather important. -- ct
12-30-21 some mac-n-cheese and a couple of hotdogs later: supper was enjoyable, i hope the digestion is, too... in case the reader should wonder, i had a crappy night sleep again, but i hope to better that tonight... anyways, sleep has been the thorn-in-my-side for a long time, i tried to self-treat/medicate with vino for a long period of time, it was not very wise... so when i read a question from one person to a larger group regarding that subject it really got my attention... i've weened off of some medications that may have helped me for a bit at one point in time, but not several years later, but this last one that is in a classification which includes the word hypnotics is another one which i'd like to be able to do away with, so i hope to learn more on the topic in the near future... that's one more interest, and i'm juggling a bunch of them at once right about now... so back to reading... C. Langan does well in pointing the reader to God, he does that in every bit of the ctmu publications that i've read so far, especially in his contributions to Cosmos and History, i was a bit discouraged when i tried getting through one of his larger papers from the late eighties which was a 50 some-odd paged PDF, and just as soon as i was caught up to his vocabulary/language he started pulling so many new area's of study (to me) at once that i had to take a break about fifteen pages in, my reading had slowed down to a crawling pace... i'll approach that paper again after i get through a few more of the smaller and more focused papers... you know--in my defense--i was NOT his target audience, he wrote it to communicate to a bunch of professionally very-smart people, so i'm over the disappointment in having to take a break from it for now, but like many things and times in life, i may have to read things a few more times than very smart people before things start to sink in, but he shows folks how to see and know that God is real and that there is no denying that fact, it was one of the reasons that i started to read Christopher's works, i remember seeing a brief television interview from the eighties or nineties about a humble-living very smart guy that 'proved the reality of god', or i remember something to that effect... so anyways, a couple-two-three decades later i was curious to read what he had to say about that matter, i don't know that i'll ever comprehend everything that he has to say on the matter, but if he can point very smart people to god then i appreciate his efforts, and i'm learning more about various subjects that i never gave a ton of thought towards, so cool, i like learning... i think i need another couple of hours of distraction-free reading while i try to finish this current paper, though... but man, this whole subject of sleep just crept-up on me and now it's really got my attention. -- ct
12-29-21: in 'The Metaformal System' Christopher is educating folks, and seems to also be warning folks that are hell-bent on trying re-create intelligence, you know, the a/i folks, and he seems to be trying to steer them toward the ultimate-reality and true intelligence, he is smart, and know's how to speak their language, so he is well equipped to be the guy to do such things... from my perspective a/i combined with v/r is a very dangerous combination, and some techie folks are making it their priority/mission, they are trying to be god's in their own rights... the glandular stimulation techniques utilized in technology (which doesn't stop at a/i + v/r) is literally numbing/muting cognition, but it's still just refined audio
(a/v)
visual stimulation... it seems to be done with timing and fluctuations of certain frequencies, the same with speed and brightness levels with shades and contrast and moving or still images, in conjunction with controlled and suggestion language... i think those are the methods of mass-hypnosis being utilized by the evil of our time, at least that's what i'm assuming based on some things that i've read over the past few months... early manipulators/advertisers used to do it with a few still frames mixed within the reels of tv shows and movies, and extra-loud commercials, or extra soft and peaceful sounds and images, but
evil doesn't have to play by the once stringent FCC rules anymore because
there are plenty of web-based networked platforms and the whole WWW that offers a 24/7 delivery system of glandular stimulation from a/v... 'screens' are ubiquitous even in some lower developed nations... the longer the exposure to the delivery method, and consideration to stage of brain development, and intelligence, and genetics are just some of the contributions to the effectiveness of the hypnosis and other 'influencer' indoctrination exploits... evil is screwing with cognition and dampening telesis on a grand scale, and that is evil indeed... anyhow, i hope to finish reading CML's paper today, that certainly didn't happen yesterday. -- ct
12-29-21 one page and some further contemplation later: just as 'screens' with access to www protocols are in the hands of zillions now--there are also zillions of squack-box and ill-hearted 'influencers' spewing ignorance and hatred and confusion and distracting humanity from healthy telesis and living in reality... screens and the confusing babal of fools are the distractions of our day... perhaps... and with every click of a 'like button', or a 'thumbs down' evil and a/i meet a duel-functioning and separation where there are benefits of the yeses and the no's alike, as a/i both tracks and targets compliant 'sheep' as well as the non-complaint 'obstacles', simple key-fields, and maybe tracks which methods of manipulation works at the field level--it's all relevant and beneficial information, and all through tiny and simple little zeros and ones, a/i is a swiss-army knife multi-tool of sorts, it's another dangerous thing which is severely abused and hiding in plain sight, maybe, probably, definitely... the network grows in means of a querying relevant database of connected tables, and fields... the associated fields will contain as much pertinent information as it can retrieve, it is known that dna samples were collected from covid tests which were shipped to various collection/retrieval centers... anyhow, i think that's the idea, i haven't tried to look much into a/i, but understanding store-able/collectable information and databases and how to query and populate tables--well it just get's me thinking a bit more about the subject... holy smokes... it that what we are up against now... who ever has access to the most relevant information and knows how to manipulate the key-field for their benefit seems to be able to win that war... holy smokes... is that what we are really up against at this day and age... the www is multi-continent--hence the first two double-yous--so if there were ever a select international beast of sorts they would do proper intel, know who is in charge of leading those herds, have the herds manipulated... back in the old days intel needed to be collected in person, now the www serves that purpose quite well, with a/i making ample and efficient use of it... is that really the nature of the day? is the dna that is stored on open platforms a simple field in a large database which covid tests accelerated the expansion of that info... good grief... i wonder what my profile looks like... good grief... i like to think that i'm not easily manipulated, but there is scripture that says that in the last days even the faithful may be deceived, so i dunno... but i'm just thinking as i regurgitate some consumed experience and literature, but now my weary head needs to do something else, i need to let this ferment in the noggin a bit more... i'm also reminded of a vetting process that i had undergone in my early twenties, they tried to get close to me in a calm social setting where their was free drinks and finger food and an attractive lady approached me asking personal info rather quickly, i caught on to her and our conversation ended rather quickly, that's an old example of relevant info useful for manipulation... human behavior is a weird thing sometimes, many times, most times... predictive modeling based on that is just wrong and has no good intention. -- ct
12-29-21 past bedtime: i Really want to wrap-up a project which i thought would have been long-done by now... but i got a bit of a break-through that i had hoped for tonight... i think part of the information that i want to include in the project was mentioned by a brilliant person in regards to an entirely different context, but i think Jesse's mention of Maslow's hierarchy is material that i want to cover... so the project is multi-faceted, it's more than just feminine/masculine and maternal versus paternal unique and beneficial contributing factors to childcare, it's basic necessities that folks might simply be excluding from child development and through all stages of life... that sort of stuff is foundational to helping our children reach a self-actualization where they can effectively navigate and beneficially participate in the busy and noisy and distracting world that we live in...i apologize if i offend fundamentalists, but i require more than scripture alone, you can extrapolate quite a bit of incredibly useful information from scripture, we learn modern reality (like wiping our asses and the like) from our parents and mentors and influencers while using moral/meta conviction/bearing to filter the good from the bad decisions and choices, some folks turn to scripture for everything, i require modern smart people to help me understand more than what was written in books that haven't been written in many frickin years, and i think maslow had some decent contributions to one of the stories within the stories that are in the story, well, it will more than one layer to it, that's what allegories are... so maslow's 'needs' or at least certain points from them will be nestled within the piece... if this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you, well that's fine, sometimes i write on this crummy blog to basically just take notes for current and future projects... a note to parents, we have many responsibilities, and the longer that kids have full participation from both parents during all stages of childhood development (and life) the better equipped and the more 'privileged' they actually will be... privileged doesn't mean that folks come from wealthy families or race-specific families, true privilege comes from the active participation from two intelligent parents who value telic expansion, and understand certain aspects of maslow's contributions. .. anyways, it was a good break-through... there are still some aspects that i want to pull from scripture, but i haven't narrowed those down yet, but the project ought to be half-way decent when it's done... time will tell. -- ct
12-28-21: i think i made a mistake... i signed-up for a service to read some publications from many different professional smart people, and now i've received too many email on day one, i think i subjected myself to another daily distraction, i just wanted to read a few things here and there,but it was free, so that means that i'm going to be paying for it one way or another, if not my money then its with time and distractions, i hope i get what i pay for... good grief... i had some great conversations by noon today, i'd call that productive... i have some official paperwork types of stuff to do, and then it's finishing The Metaformal System, and then household chores, and working on trying to wrap this other post up too, it's a real thing you know, 'ericsonian' is the word that was passed on to me earlier today... today is a good day, i earned zero income but haven't stopped working, and there is still plenty ahead... this lifestyle is not sustainable, but i have convictions which must be addressed, and the contents of this website is sort of the beginning, in some respects... and exploring utility is certainly becoming a focus... anyways, today is good, now i'm going to rejoice and be glad in it... or maybe something sort of like that, somehow, perhaps. -- ct
12-27-21: a few pages into reading this article published in 2018 i have an initial question in it's relation to the biblical 'story' of the tower of babel... my initial question is whether or not 'The Metaformal System: Completing the Theory of Language' is 'un-doing' the confusion that was bestowed on the human race back some thousands of years ago, is it a rosetta-the-stone of some sorts... answers to questions are probably revealed further into consuming C. Langan's paper... time will tell... but so far this is one of the 'easier' paper's of his that i'm reading, and i love that. -- ct
12-27-21 later: so C. Langan offers important operators for computational language... i once worked for a company that based their whole search 'wrapper' based on and/or/not/equals, they added proximity considerations, and eventually thesaurus incorporated consideration... i haven't a clue what they offer now, but they were a collection of various databases that were wrapped in simple-to-advanced searching capabilities... in this current paper that i'm reading Langan offers other smart operators that would have bettered the usefulness of the product. -- ct
12-26-21: christmas was good, thanks for asking... there wasn't a whole lot of tradition involved, but we spent it with the closest family, there were five of us at one point... i choose not to talk a whole lot about immediate family for various reasons, but yesterday was nice... i'm not going to write much about religiousy sorts of things, yesterday was good to remember the prophesy fulfilled in the coming of a king of sorts, the king of kings, and lord of lords--and not of the leaping type, but Yeshu'a... but one of the subjects that i've been reading lately has been some of Chris Langan's papers, his bigger 'introduction' fitfty-something page pdf was really kicking my buttocks, he went from 'normal' to 'multiple PhD' in about seven pages flat, but he certainly wasn't writing to me as a specific target-audience, he was writing to professional smart folks, the vocabulary is exceedingly rich and he adds some propriety words that seem to make sense, they are all very rich and multi-faceted on their own, it seems that many of them are a thesis in themselves... anyhow, i switched to reading his smaller papers and they seem to be a bit easier to consume, they are smaller more subject specific so it's not so much foreign concepts all at once, i am not a math-guy or physics, so i had no business trying to get through the QMM paper, but the Meta is what draws me most, the quantum is an interest, but i have about zero exposure in that topic, so i just finished another paper that i appreciated, and i think i'm going to give Completing the ToL a try next... but i only understand his writings to a certain level, and then i need to research and chew on it a bit and read it again, and then i probably only have a decent grasp on an undefined percentage... the simple reminder that i need to tell myself is that Christopher is a very smart person teaching other very smart people about the reality of God, so whether or not i grasp everything that he writes is irrelevant... but psychology, and a bunch of other human 'ologies' have been the heart of most of my reading lately, scripture has been all over the place now too, i was poking around psalms for a bit before i picked up on a project that was on hold, my plan is to do some more research on that after supper. -- ct
Christmas 2021:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.The same was in the beginning with God.
All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
John 1:1-5 KJV
... may the gift of logos be comprehended and embraced by you and i alike... may god's light penetrate our whole mind's in order that darkness will be exposed and expelled, that we may resist and shed the entrapment's of darkness... may god gift us all with the peace to seek his will for our lives, and the understanding and courage to utilize all of the gifts that he has given us... peace. -- ct
Christmas later: thinking about a couple of ongoing projects and ideas... this stinking blog is also used for noting a few things... we watched a 'christmas movie' lastnight... daddy's home 2... there wasn't a whole lot of christmas involved other than the timing of the year which the events took place... one of the things bouncing around in my head is a sort of formula is used by the screen writers or the original writers of previous stories... comedies can be complex or simple--i guess that's like any genre really--it seems like the directors and actors are the one's can really sell the scripts, and scenes, and how they contribute to overall recording/production... but the writer can really pull the reader/consumer into simple ideas, and then layering--or, adding depth and sub-stories and even more variables to the big story, but the sub-stories that unite-to/compose the big story are where the intelligence and creativity of the writers or storytellers are perceived... when elements of 'typical' human nature/behavior are considered with the story-telling aspect, then run through various layers/depths you could end up with a b-movie, or you might have a classic/must-see film or book... i don't know the complete formula for it, but i'm not a math-guy, i understand words and stories and certain human-behaviors which some actors can successfully pull-off (bad actors are bad actors, and bad stories are bad stories) and other's have to really act-out/accentuate/sensationalize to deliver the point (broadway)... people communicate with lot's of different languages and vocabularies and knowledge of how to express themselves, actors are good observers, and some of them know how to communicate to varying audiences, just as the writer's or other storytellers... i think that's why certain relationship's in hollywood turn out to be great movies, the actor's directors and writer's are good observers that communicate with very similar languages and all understand human nature that really appreciate each other and can compliment one another turn out some decent films, sometimes the messaging is actually good... some folks will use brain-hacks through audio-visual stimulation by using a scale of 'spectacular'... real-life seems to be too boring to appeal to the masses if you are really trying to tell or sell a story, so there seems to be brain-stimulations that audi-visual experts and storytellers use to offer the biggest escape or stimulation or a level of virtual-reality that will yield different perceptions to different people based on human-nature and target audience... more successful/penetrating stories appeal to larger and more diverse audiences, but that's where the danger of non-adherence to age restrictions become the moral compromise that some folks will use to exploit and condition, some folks really take stuff too far when they know damn well that younger audiences are targeted, then again there are large elements of the population whose genetics/environments/cognitive ability that can't differentiate the good from the bad that the production/book, and then will embrace the negative moral and healthy actions and behaviors and thoughts of their new influencers... influencers has become a part of american vocabulary since DIY web-based media became house-hold available to most tax-brackets... family is waking, pardon the interruption. -- ct
Christmas eve 2021: i've been poking around the first book in the christian bible, the last couple of days, you know, genesis... i've been reading a bunch of literature from various sources on many topics for a bunch of reasons, it's sort of like juggling around a bunch of fruit, it's also a bit ADD'ish... i've been poking around psalms and genesis, and now i'm shifting over to read some of the books that speak about king David... i'm not sure what new testament books to read right now... and then there is a bunch of other literature and ideas that i've been considering... i have been trying to get a balance of science and religion and philosophy, but at lexile-levels that aren't in my comfort-zone, so going back to scripture that i'm most familiar with is a breath of fresh air, really... so king david is a subject that i want to familiarize myself with, again... he was called a man after god's own heart, even though he fvcked-up from time to time, sometimes really badly, i suppose that today's cancel-culture headlines would simply call him a fvcked-up king, but there is far more to the story than his obvious moral flaws and compromises... so, partly there is a self-identification on my part, as a guy who has plenty of imperfections... but also because there was a growth cycle that was illustrated in the man's life, he certainly wasn't without sin, but he eventually 'came around' when he was confronted with his obvious sin... anyhow, there are some things that i think i can learn from that guy, or really, it's from the whole historical context and growth cycle, and god giving us insight into his own heart, so to speak -- ct
Christmas eve later: the wife and oldest daughter went out shopping for a few things... god bless 'em... i went to a local walmart earlier today because i was out at 7:30, but i'd require sedation if i were to repeat it at 13:00... god bless them two, and may they be stronger than me... whatever it is that's wrong with me that kick's-in the hyper-alertness when it isn't necessary, well that makes shopping on a day like this a literal fool's errand...
... i've been reading some of the stories that this pastor in Chicago had been documenting... he's been living outside for the past 34 days, and has been sharing chunks of wisdom to anyone that will listen to him, i don't want to write anymore about him until i read more, otherwise my simple post doesn't do him any justice, he is wise and deserves better mention than a simple link to an article, but i thought the reader may be interested in reading a bit about him...
... as a family we change 'traditions' around from time to time, this year's Christmas non-traditional celebration includes visiting mom in the nursing-home, and then some homemade pizza... oh yeah, that's right, pizza for christmas... the weather looks a bit sketchy for tomorrow, so the ride to visit mom might be the same, but it's christmas man, anyways i haven't seen her in almost a month, so she will be thrilled to see me with wife and daughters tomorrow... it would be pretty cool if my son calls us while we are there, he is supposed to have his first 'liberty' tomorrow or sunday--after a few months, so his phone call will be appreciated... the kid is now a US Marine... but wasn't he just a baby the other day... no, but the old dad thinks like that sometimes... time is a strange thing. -- ct
Christmas Eve bedtime: we have the upstairs east and west covered, and downstairs north and south... what does that mean... simply that anyone identifying themselves as Saint Nic, or Chris Cringle, or any of those sorts of characters come landing on the roof, or from the ground they will be spotted quickly, and met with great ferocity and violence of action... that's all i'm sayin... anyways, pardon my goofiness... now get to bed or you'll get a lump of coal...
... but i tell you something, i can't even imagine observing the sky a couple of thousand years ago, what a sight to behold... even the 'wise men' recognized the miracle, may you come to understand god all the more this coming year... god bless you and good night. -- ct
12-23-21: to pick on a post from yesterday, i would think that the velocity and agility of the two spheres might be attributed to electro-magnetic-like energy, it was like they could repulse gravity, or just float where they wanted to, and there was no reason as to why they didn't appear on radar, and if they did they airport wouldn't have let anything take-off or land during that time... they were that close, it seemed like meters away from the plane that i was seated in... that's all i have to say on that subject for now.
... it seems like some of the weirder moments in life were far from home and the environment that i am most familiar with, outside mostly, under the real sky without a roof or covering... speaking of which... last night was crystal clear toward the sky, visibility seemed unlimited, ton's of bright stars were available to the eye, usually in the winter that equates to 'really frickin cold', but it was still in the 30s fortunately.
... there was some 'thing or thought' that i had last night as i was bedding down, i wish i could remember it now, because it seemed like something that i wanted to research a bit today, i should have maybe written it down... as the saying goes 'if it were important i will remember it'... time will tell... i'd like to read a bunch today, but life seems to demand my physical efforts and presence... there is shopping and chores, and people and places to call, etc... but if i do have time to read much then i think it's going to be from some of the early books in genesis, and some other biblical themes and topics too, i'm looking for 'instructions to parents and children'... i don't think psycho-anything is going to help immediate needs today, today it's a mere back-thought and not something to dig into... now what was that idea/thing bouncing around in me noggin when i was about ready for sleep... if it were important i will remember it? time will tell...
... and a big congratulations to Josiah, i'm happy for you that you accomplished a big and difficult goal, hopefully your mind body and soul recover quickly from the stressors that you just put them all through... you are beginning to recognize new limits and understanding that you had no idea were feasible just six months ago... out-fvcking standing, as we say in military. -- ct
12-23-21 later: so if i try to make a correlation, or connect the dots, between various literature and videos that i've been consuming it might go something like this... but first i'll mention the 'maslow' hierarchy of needs as depicted in this image... the bottom level is physiological necessities, it's really the basic stuff that humans require to sustain life in it's most simple form... but then the next dot is, for lack of better words 'evil'... evil will manipulate and distract and screw with one's mind to the point of rendering a person unable to function... socialist/communist philosophy is all about controlling the herd, the subservient lower class, the folks that aren't a part of the 'network', it's an efficient tool of elite-class, i think the idea is that 'we hand-out necessities until we have enough control that we can withhold those necessities from the herd when our own abundance runs a little low', maybe something like that... when communists keep the focus on 'providing the physiological' they eliminate the possibility of allowing the rest of the 'triangle'... well, look... i don't know how well i'm capable of describing it, but maybe consider this video, it's explained in decent detail by a smart man. -- ct
12-23-21 more later: so you'll have to extend a bit of grace while i still consider/chew-on the maslow's triangle/theory... any good theory is multi-dimensional and can be found in many aspects of life and nature... so if you go to the pinnacle of his 'triangle' you find a couple of significant pieces, he calls them 'self-actualization', and then there is the 'transcendence' above that... fine... but the self-actualization is more of my focus... in some respects i think about the scripture and words of an observant woman, she understood that she 'was born for such a time as these', and she used her resources and abilities and moral convictions to do what she thought was best... brilliant on her part... then i read some of C. Langan's writings, and he speaks to potential, and utility, and also uses the word 'actualization', there is much more of his theories that i need to consider, but as i pick-up pieces here and there i try to make sense of them in regards to other education and information... Ester was probably quite smart and all, but did she really have a solid understanding of all of her resources and abilities before she was motivated/triggered to apply them to particular situations and events... what sorts of things does it take for someone to be fully present and aware of their environment... are we to live life as we see fit, and then step-up to the plate when we sense some urgency... should be be fully aware of our genetic and cognitive potential and functioning, and all of our available resources and needs all of the time... where does personal growth and development and our own individual 'evolution' come into play, is it when issues get 'close to home' and directly reflects on our own survival and needs... i think of Jonah being stuck in the belly of the whale story... how many folks are like me and really need to be pushed and pulled and directed to understand our environment, and what our part might be in closing the sustaining 'loop'... self-actualization seems to require more than just understanding what our holistic requirements are, there is also an understanding of the things going on around us, motivation to do something to help, and knowing what resources and utility that you may have in order to contribute something positive in such a time as this, maybe that's where the 'transcendence' comes into play... i don't know, maybe i'll read his book as suggested and see what he info he offers to my questions... meta-cognition doesn't seem to be accounted for in the triangle-model, unless transcendence refers to seeking and conforming to god's will... my thoughts are an incomplete, or open-loop, and filled with questions on the topic at hand... but in some respects his theory and model offer some solution to the question of parental responsibilities... to raise a child that has a firm understanding of life's needs/requirements, and how to navigate life equipped with the tools and resources to maintain healthy sustainability, how to utilize that which we have been given... that's not complete, but a step in the right direction... god's will be done, and to offer utility to our creator are goals worth pursuing... but how to utilize our resources might take the uncomfortable belly of the whale, sometimes... i'm a bit tired already, and i've caught a bunch of dyslexic errors in this one post... so pardon my departure... -- ct
12-23-21 a few errands later: praying for a guy named Vincent, please consider doing the same, he's struggling with finances and growing a bit weary in his mission and goals, it seems that he is feeling some pressure of sorts... i'm probably broker than him, but i'll try to help if i can, praying for wisdom and guidance and peace and vision and renewed strength... i have the tendency to exhibit symptoms associated with anxiety when i am feeling various stressors...
... speaking of which, i finally have some peace regarding my son, we haven't heard a word from him, or his chain of command, so it's assumed that he finished his goal... well done Joe.
... also thinking of expanding on surveys/polls, there seems to be multiple utility involved with that particular method of communication... i have zero interest in collecting results, it's all about the messaging... there are plenty of pros that do that already, but my minimal contributions will still help certain causes... now i need to see if this crummy web-hosting and editing platform offers a decent template for that sort of thing (update, it doesn't). -- ct
12-23-21 after dinner: i'm quite the pathetic case/example... when a
person understands that they have created an environment for themselves
which they cannot sustain, or really know how to manage, well, you
start to look deep into your heart, and start asking all sorts of 'why'
questions, and plenty of the 'what' questions... why did i think that
was worthy of my time and energy, what was i thinking when i... well,
hopefully you get the idea, and can fill in my, or your own blanks...
anyways, we can be our own worse critics, but then again, we can only be
critical of the things that we are aware of... it can take an awfully
long time to understand our deficiencies and try to fix them, sometimes we never do...
anyhow, it can be quite a fight to grow and expand our minds and hearts,
and our usefulness to family and society and even god, there is so much
to write about this topic, but i'm a bit distracted and having a hard
time concentrating... i'm going to shift my attention elsewhere. -- ct
12-22-21: i like the pattern of today's date, a couple of ones and a bunch of twos ... my son's multi-day challenge should be coming to a close in the next couple of hours, i'm hoping for a phone call soon... i remember coming back to garrison after multi-day field exercises, the guys would offer all sorts of 'fill in the blanks' in conjunction with 'as soon as i get back, i'm going to...', for me there was nothing like getting a nice hot shower, watching the water, lather, and filth go down the drain... a hot shower, and a clean set of clothes, followed by a hot meal... those were the simple things that i appreciated the most... married guys and guys with girlfriends sought companionship, i just wanted to get clean and nourished... anyways, thinking about the son this morning, i'm glad that he won't be sleep-deprived and climbing over muddy logs on Christmas day, but i'm sure that christmas won't be a picnic for him either.
... so far the precipitation is just rain, it's helping to wash away the residual snow/ice from the other day, and today's temps look to be borderline freezing and more rain to come... if this were snow we might be seeing a bad-one about by the end of the day, but it looks to remain cold and wet... i'll take that considering that this is the second day of winter... the days are supposed to get longer/brighter starting today... can i get an amen or a shit-yah, please...
... i bedded-down last night reading an article on psychology today... i've got to find it so i can read the whole thing again, and offer my simple and amateur opinion of the nice doctor's publishing, i think she was missing some important insight, but i suppose that negates the word 'insight' if one doesn't posses the 'sight' aspect, but really it's the sort of literature that i've been eating-up since i experienced some sort of crisis last year and into this one, so that's really why i'm reading it... let me go find it while i enjoy the coffee a bit. -- ct
12-22-21 a minute later: here's the article ... and her key-points:
- Controlling people have a hard time dealing with the unexpected, leading to undue frustration.
- Trying to control others results in feelings of resentment and resistance in other people.
- Learning to accept the reality that much of life is beyond our control can be liberating.
'Among the groups most affected by the pandemic were those needing to control others'
some folks look at the 'needing to' part and might call her a 'red-neck' or dismiss her findings, the first step in 'cancel-culture'... however, i look at it and say, whew, it's not just me, good-good... i think they call that an affirmation of sorts... it's a bit like the feeling that i got reading a fifty-something page publication by Christopher Langan from several decades ago, it started out a little easy, then went from regular to super-smart in three-point-nine seconds flat... and it wasn't until he used a 'jack-a-lope' analogy that he pulled me back in, and made me feel like i could follow along again... the jackalope analogy/humor made me feel better about myself and proceeding... anyways, i must continue with this nice doctor lady's paper.
... so her paper was "adapted from an essay, “You Can’t Make Anybody Do Anything,” published in Beyond Pipe Dreams and Platitudes: Insights on Love, Luck, and Narcissism from a Longtime Psychologist, Outskirts Press, 2021"
... i suppose that i want to consume that now, too ... but if i can take-away any sort of practical advice from her perspective it would be in the closing paragraph:
"
The pandemic reinforced our lack of control over many aspects of life.
If we could accept that reality and learn to go with the flow,
perceiving unexpected moments as challenges rather than catastrophes
would allow us to experience more enjoyment in life and an enhanced
sense of well-being.
"
... consider the following video which re-enforces the theory of 'going with the flow' ... 'i ride the waves i can't control and i'm learning how to be/build? a better boat' echoes the heart of the singer-songwriter... or maybe you appreciate this earlier recording of the song...
... anyhow, may we all learn to be resilient and mindful of our environment and surroundings, may we pursue god's will and realistic sustainable life-styles. -- ct
12-22-21 more later: i have to tell you that i made a conscious decision to realize Jesus the Nazarene as a sort of a gateway to God the creator some twenty to thirty years ago... and in that time i have tried to follow the words, teachings, and behaviors of this peculiar man... if you read through christian scripture you can attest to the truth behind
C. Langan's quote that Jesus spoke quite a bit 'in parable, allegory, and metaphor'... and you can back that theory up by looking at the Christian 'Old Testament', it was also full of parables, allegories, and metaphors, it's a brilliant collection of stories that point to the reality and nature of 'God the Father', the entire collection of books point's folks to God's reality, nature, expectations, and a boat-load of other important things too... i can tell you that after almost thirty years of various levels of consistency in consumption of scripture that sometimes i still have to just scratch my head, sometimes extrapolating detailed truth from metaphor isn't the easiest to discern... i've witnessed several factions/denominations of christian faith get caught-up in micro-detail which can warp better judgement as they belittle each other with 'well yeah, but then how come...' sorts of distractions, even to the point that cancel-culture hatred rules the day... i don't know how much scripture i will consume in the days/weeks/months to come, but when looking at scripture through the eyes of a god that expects our attention and cooperation and a better understanding of his/it's nature and even 'feelings' might be a better approach... so maybe i will resume reading scripture with the intent to throw-off previously taught and assumed understanding, and let God show me what's really going on in those marvelous books... a previous pastor by the name of J. White was instrumental in a one-line--and 'in-passing'--explanation that Genesis opens with much metaphor, not hard-core factual detail... it took me a bit to absorb, but i appreciated the tip... anyways, i've got some reading ahead of me today, i still don't exactly what, though... time will tell....
... analytics suggests that viewership is increasing quite a bit lately, not sure if i'm being vetted, trolled, or if stuff that i write about is being appreciated or hated or anything else in between... whatever the case may be i'm going to follow the advice of a fictitious little blue fish, and 'just keep swimming, swimming , swimming'... UPDATE... i forgot that i put a link for a recent article on a recent FB post and to someone else, i think that's what's up, but i hope that the FB guy benefited from the article, there was some baby mixed-in with the bathwater there. -- ct
12-22-21 a bit more later: my son's 'challenge' ought to be over, and wife and i should have heard by now if he was injured, or otherwise set back a week or two... 'no news is good news' is the proper philosophy, but it's a nasty one for the anxious heart/parent... appreciating that 'god's will be done' is the battle of the mind some-days, maybe even everyday... how much of anxiety is impatience in knowing the future, or desire to control an outcome of some sorts, there are other aspects for sure, anyways, there is the whole 'grieving' theory, and some of that is the understanding/recognition that we cannot completely control the outcome of an event, in the case of Kubler-Ross the event happened to be death, how much more of a reality check is it when we discover that physical death is imminent... it's best to prepare the soul prior to that reality-check, and not to spend too much time wrestling with god, perhaps expressing one's emotions to god provide's healing or strength or wisdom to endure and accept fate... there is a challenge in discerning when to fight like mad or to accept fate... fight/flight/freeze or continue with caution can be a challenge in discernment, they are all reactions to difficult situations... sometimes the anxious soul is simply lacking discernment... anyways, i suppose i should research the topic more before i just throw it up here, but i feel a bit assured that my son if fine, although i'm sure he's quite exhausted, more so than ever before. -- ct
12-22-21 much later: so a project that i really should finish soon has met obstacles... and now it seems that i need to go all the way back to genesis to find my way through the obstacle... go figure... show's how far from scripture i've been lately, i should really consider the content, and it's application and example for many facets of life, not just one or two... but then again, i think that's a bit of the point, really.
...
Genesis 3:16:
"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy
conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."
... Genesis 3:17:
"And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of
thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying,
Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;"
... and then the commentary goes: "
It's interesting to notice that Eve's
curse involved pain and struggle in her family relationships, while
Adam's involves pain and frustration in his working life."
... so i think that's a bit of the foundation for the project that i'm trying to finish, we start with the concept of curse, and then individual and co-responsibilities, or 'instruction' even... i think that's the proper approach to navigating the obstacle, time will tell. -- ct
12-22-21 late afternoon: so... on one of yesterday's topic... Mazlow's observations/theory seems brilliant and insightful... and explains a LOT in many respects... so much of these old and well documented theories are so new and foreign to me, i appreciate folks that share their observations and perceptions to humanity... then i also wonder how much the 'maslow pyramid' ought to maybe look more like the 'conspansive manifold' theory of C. Langan... maybe life is more like expansion and contraction in many degrees, and not so much as a limited dimensional and symmetric trianlge, it moves and is never completely static, there is almost a fluid-dynamic to it, maybe... i dunno, i have more reading to do on that topic eventually, too... frankly i'm not comfortable with the amount of literature in-put lately... there is so much to consider and only so many hours of free time, i need to remember that there is a life to live outside of just learning...
... hold-on now, self-actualization can't be a pinnacle of anything, it's only a healthy/noble starting point... if i tie that into a project that i'm writing then maybe i would say that a primary and duty of parents might be to offer the foundations of maslow's triangle, while equipping the child with practical skills to navigate a sustainable life which seeks god's will and desires to see the world through the perspective of the one who created it, but that self-actualization is just a healthy starting point... anyhow, that all requires more thought. -- ct
12-22-21 about supper-time: and of course 'full catastrophe living' is a pay-for book, i could library that sucker to save money, but at the expensive of time... it's in the bezos shopping cart for now, maybe it's for the better to wait a bit, i do have quite a reading list that's beginning to pile-up... my initial reaction to reading a few crude bits is that i am not going to buy any tights or a yoga mat... but then i think that somewhere between eastern and western philosophies, and somewhere between left and right wing, and rich and poor, and simple and sophisticated, and 'this and that'... somewhere between all of those things there is 'normal'... i'm stating upfront that i am not buying any yoga pants, but i'll gladly read a book recommended by a solid guy... wait... now that i think of it i do own a base-layer that is awfully close to spandex, but i won't wear them in a group setting on a sweaty mat... glad that i got that out. -- ct
12-22-21 a couple of burritos a pear and an IPA later: so i thought i'd offer the reader one more reason to judge and dismiss my thoughts and opinions and perceptions, or maybe you find it insightful, or you don't give a crap, fine... but it's UFOs... oh yeah, i'm going there too... if you think that ufo types of things and really, i never gave the subject too much consideration until i read a recent article, and it made me recall a few experiences--first-hand witness of things which you might have a hard time explaining them any differently, ufo would be a simple nomenclature for something that's difficult to 'identify', that's sort of what it means... so a couple where at O'Haire, they were a pair of metallic spheres, so whatever, it's hard to gauge size on a sphere, especially metallic, so from my plane seat i could only tell that they were larger than basket-balls and one can only speculate beyond that really... and then some really peculiar things in CO and NM geographies mostly when pulling overnight shifts at a crappy job (i hate overnight shifts)... the CO were all completely at night, which made it difficult to really try to describe, but i'll say that you would have to be a video/ocular super- genius to reproduce it, but the pair of spheres in chicago were in perfect day-light... anyways, i don't choose to elaborate on things that i don't have a good understanding of, or can't really articulate, so i never gave any of those things tons of consideration, i just know what i saw and they were strange enough to my simple noggin not really consider communicating, just a couple close friends once or twice... and so a couple-of-few decades later i read a few online posts and they make me give a bit more consideration to some theory... but i also remember a buddy mentioning that his dad wrote books on the subject, and it was assumed to be a subject that was a bit easy for most folks to dismiss at the time... but it's just weird that those events come back so vividly so many years later, i really wanted to just dismiss the whole topic, but i thought that i'd bring it up... i think when i converted to a semi-generic form of christianity (non-denominational :-), i think that i took the context of any weird, or unexplained phenom simply as 'spirits', or angels or demons... or, i don't really know how i wanted to re-align what i had seen vs. what i now 'believed' on a meta-aspect, both concepts seemed weird and too un-defined in some respects, they were just sort of jumbled between 'weird' and 'i don't even want to know', and why should i give anything that's hard to logically explain a whole lot of time and attention anyways, especially if it doesn't seem to directly effect my life... so maybe i'm trying to say that i don't think the folks that fully believe in ufos and extraterrestrial sorts of things are koo-koo in theory--well a few of them that i've met seemed so--but i do give consideration to the matter, and i don't wear tin-foil hats either, i just don't give the subject matter a whole lot of attention... good thing i'm not in an astro-industry, i saw enough just a few times, so to speak... ... so how strange does any of that sound to the reader, anyways? maybe this post will trigger some more nasty-grams/email, i appreciate the good, bad, and everything in between... but my intent with transparency on this website is to offer the cancel-culture folks everything that they want to hear upfront... i choose to make their job too easy, and there is plenty of dirt to dig-up too, i've walked the fine line of good and bad for a bunch of years, an i'm not interested in a job that requires a subjective 'perfect image'... and really, the intent of transparency is to alert the reader of the obvious, that none of us are perfect, and image isn't everything... anyhow, i don't mind criticism... so use the form at the bottom of the page, and send-it. -- ct |
12-21-21: not sure what today behold's... yesterday saw unforseen changes in plans, but it ended-up being a fruitful day nonetheless. there are a few things that i'd like to read today, but who know's what i'll fit in... i'm working on an outline for a novelette... i wrote eighty percent of the story without an outline, now that i'm having some brain-fog regarding the completion i'm finally starting an outline... combining more structure with the creative writing is the goal... i don't like writing with a ton of structure--as the reader will clearly discern on their own--it feels a bit stifling/restricted, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do... anyways, i'm thinking about my son right about now, he's just past the halfway point of an arduous challenge, i'm hoping to give him a hug in the next few weeks, but time will tell... i'm also trying to consume more info/theory on a few different sciences that i haven't had much exposure too... i'm just and old dog attempting new tricks... but learning is fun when it isn't forced upon you... try it, you'll see. -- ct
12-21-21 later: the information that this crummy platform 'collects' is really just a crude 'counter' type of thing, the website editor and hosting service are quite limited in functionality... it doesn't tell me which pages readers open or consume, it just tells me simple stats like, how many new viewers, how many total sessions, and how many total pages viewed... and that's fine as far as i'm concerned, if i focus too much on any one thing then i begin to limit my focus, and that's a bad habit as far as i'm concerned... i prefaced with that to say that after i posted this article right here there was a noticeable uptick in viewership, it makes sense because i sort of advertised it on FB for a couple of friends and family members that are going through the proverbial 'ringer'... i have added a few more things to the original post since the sixteenth, today i added the following relevant information:
whether it's obvious to the reader or not, the entire contents of this website is essentially a journal of recovery, and learning, and further growth and development of a middle-aged guy, you are actually reading a 'process' of sorts... you see, i was 'triggered' to a degree during the covid-introductory period... i had a rock-bottom type of crisis when life as i had known it had taken a sharp turn. the contents of this website is a recovery of sorts... it's what happens when a fellow get's his head and priorities straightened-out, when truth and reality rule the day, when convictions are embraced, and life takes on new perspectives and focus... if my thoughts and words seem jumbled and without direction or focus then i can appreciate that perspective... because i understand that i'm a work in progress... and actively working on aligning my thoughts and time and actions and behavior with the will of god... i invite the reader to do the same...
... i've also added the two following pages since the sixteenth, they are here, and this one here... they may not be that interesting to the reader, but that's not mine to judge. -- ct
12-21-21 more later: i completely forgot that today is tuesday, that's the day where i carve out an hour to converse with a therapist/cook... he has been incredibly patient and insightful, and has led me to some very good and useful reading... today's take-aways, read J. Kabit Zinn's 'full catastrophe living', as well as A. Mazlow's 'hierarchy of living' ... one of Jesse's insightful comments today was that 'we humans are a fragile ecosystem'... also the topic of 'mindfulness' came up, i've read that word several times, but never stopped to read much into it... my apologies to the reader if you thought that i was well-versed in some of the subject's that i read about, mostly i am not... many of my observations are crudely stated/worded but still solid in understanding... and then sometimes i read the works of professional smart people that explain concepts more thoroughly with better detail and words and language sometimes helps to connect the dots, and to close the open loop, and correcting misunderstands... i do appreciate insightful literature...
... OK, i think today's reading is coming to light, hopefully one or both of books is available for free. -- ct
12-21-21 a bit more later: OK, so i haven't tried to download or order either of those book, yet... but i've been thinking about the various things that distract us from living a more useful and purposeful life... so when i hit a low point in the last year or two i was more or less in a virtual survival mode, for lack of better words... the low-point was more or less a good and well deserved shaking, or wake-up call of sorts, but their was both a willingness to keep fighting (which some hurting folks no longer posses, especially during busy and emotional holiday gatherings and festivities), i basically had to re-asses everything from lifestyle, to core principles and beliefs, to question every easily-assumed opinion and understanding of what... professional psycho people can tell you what was going on in my noggin and soul, but all i knew was that i was in some sort of shit-storm that i didn't feel equipped to navigate, in some respects... so anyways, i had this recent wake-up-call from god essentially, professional smart people could tell you the rest... maybe... and so back to my point about the 'things that distract us from living a more full and abundant life', i think that's sort of my crude way of describing a topic of conversation... what sort's of noise and distractions keep us too busy, and prevent us from slowing our asses down a bit, and being able to bring our 'a-game' to every aspect of our lives--well, as much as possible at least... the busier and noisier our environment really is--then the more distracted our thought process becomes...it's taken me entirely too long to understand that i do not function very well in a densely-populated geography (i have no business trying to live a peaceful life on literal 'Main St')... i suffer from the 'squirrel affliction' depicted in this video, that affliction can go to hyper-reactive levels depending on the amount of stimuli and other considerations, it's a good quality for security, but not for aspects of your life where concentration to something right in front of you is more concerning... but it's not just auditory and ocular overload that can distract and hypnotize, and therefore throwing us off of our full potential... but nutrition and hydration are also fundamental variables as to whether or not we bring our possible 'A-game' as much as feasible to every facet of our lives... in a basic pro-longed outdoor survival situation 'food water shelter fire' are primary goals to consider... nutrition and hydration are real fvcking requirements to sustain life, so we got those things covered just a bit, don't we all come of an age where we realize that certain foods are helpful in sustaining our lives, and others are quite the opposite... as an example, i could eat about six macdonalds cheese burgers with an order of fries right about now, but there is some perfectly ripened fruit right in the frickin kitchen... sometimes we actually consider the risk/reward for simple decisions, but sometimes we utilize the drive-thru, the busier and more distracting our life-styles are the more prone we are to ordering the 'number-six meal' with a few more cheeseburgers on the side, and of course vitamin and mineral deficiencies can cause folks all kinds of problems too... and then in the survival situation we also recognize that we need adequate shelter/environment in order to maintain proper body-heat--a dry tempered shelter is preferable--and also to provide safety from realistic threats/predators/disease and virus containing critters, etc... but really we must consider that the shelter isn't just to keep us warm and dry, but to offer an environment comfortable enough to give us adequate sleep... sleep is a fvcking requirement to sustain life for animal and most plant-life... so we got the shelter and sleep things covered a bit... well i guess my simple description is lifestyle sustainability... if we consider that we are all a sort of eco-system, that is contained in larger, and then larger eco-systems, and that we are also comprised of smaller and smaller eco-systems, and that each of those eco-systems all have requirements to sustain healthy life, then i suppose that a contributing factor of being able to bring as much of our a-game to as many aspects of our lives that we can, well that's sustainability... sustainability requires access to certain resources which are found in certain geographies and understanding which things are good resources and which to stay away from, and knowing how to acquire good resources, and how to process resources that we need, but if we aren't living in a sustaining environment with adequate resources essential to sustaining human life, and in a sustaining and logical 'life-style' then the noise and distraction and unsettled feelings might be a sort of an 'inner-voice' trying to wake you up in some respects, if life is overly-complicated and not very peaceful, or not producing sustainable holistic results, then we might not be in a sustainable environment/life-style etc, we may not be living as logically as we should and where we should, that's sort of the way that i understand part of my predicament to some degree or another, but the same principle applies to many folks to various degrees, maybe priorities got shifted a bit, perhaps... anyways, all of the information that i just wrote about is really just a bunch of thoughts that are starting to accumulate and make a bit more sense to me, based on the reading suggestions from the cook ;-), and based on other information learned through mega-foundation folks... i would say that this post is very relevant to my recent history... i'm looking forward to learning more, and becoming more useful in return... i really appreciate the reading suggestions... hmmm, appreciate... year ago i don't think i could have uttered the word 'appreciate', it's been a great but weird year since...well, let me just say that i am grateful and appreciative for family and friends, and god above all... i appreciate the life that i have no matter the road that it took to get here, so here's a proverbial 'cheers/toast' to the straight and narrow, and the moral compass and god-given capabilities and resources to navigate the rest of the journey... anyways, i'm still looking forward to the reading suggestion, but i've got some dirty-dishes to deal with... how do they accumulate so quickly... if only i encouraged assistance from my capable family i might not have to ask such rhetorical questions... dishes. -- ct
12-21-21 more later than before: OK, mindfulness, i've seen a VA iOS app named after it... i appreciate the word/term... although the crude quick search yields expected definition i would contribute my quick thought that it is also a term that is required in multiple facets in life, discerning not only what our mind's and body's are telling us, but also having an awareness about other folks too, to some degree... sometimes i work with folks that pick up on my limited vocabulary, and they might have to rephrase a thought or an idea to me using different words, and similar to when i wrote instructions to lower-lexiled folks that spoke other languages more proficiently than they did 'american'... so i'm suggesting that mindfulness needs to include ourselves along with some clarity to 'read the room', to be aware of other's and our environment/surroundings... anyways, that's just my initial feedback, but i really haven't read anything beyond a couple of quick definitions, so who am i to really comment... i hate when i do that... but 'mindfulness' seems like a good term and concept to consider, i think maybe the app helps us when we get too busy and distracted to help ourselves, i'm sure that it's more than that... I'll give it a look. -- ct
12-21-21 afternoonish: OK, so i just read this post
"inhabit what we call the intellectual "danger zone". This is the range of intelligence (or IQ) in which one recognizes oneself as much smarter than average, but in a high-IQ analog of the Dunning-Kruger effect, is insufficiently intelligent to fully recognize one's own intellectual limitations or the true intellectual capacities of others"
... OK, i'm following the principle of the 'danger zone' now
... i observe this in folks that are adapt at processing/discerning information, therefore, the 'understand' something, but typically don't use their understanding to do something productive with it... i'd also call it the difference between being smart versus being a smart-ass... where being smart reflects in utility, and the smart-ass settles to play the fool... i'm sure that my example is different, and lacking detail, but i think i understand the 'danger zone' a bit better now. -- ct
12-21-21 afternoonish-thirty: OK, i'm trying to get to the bottom of a question, do i even need to know what my 'IQ' or 'IEQ' score is, and my answer today is 'nope', not really... i appreciate very smart people, and on occasion i are one in some respects, but i'm thinking that i score out at about one-hundred... i'm perfectly average in many respects... i'm also below average in far too many other respects... and occasionally above average in a few other things... i think i'm smart enough to know that i'm too short to reach some things, and not strong enough to lift some things, and have no business trying to be a model of any types, but maybe just smart enough to know that i have some utility... someday i might find out what that encompasses... but i don't know that i need to take a test to identify how average i am, because i don't know how that knowledge will equate to maximizing my time and energy... so that's what i'm thinking... maybe that's sound reasoning, maybe it ain't, i suppose that i'm just too simple to know the difference. -- ct
12-21-21 about supper time: speaking of utility... i was connecting a few dots, i was thinking about the multi-value aspects of 'surveys', thinking about time spent with software developers, thinking about the time spent in careful wording, and using 'wizards' to efficiently guide the operator through a bunch of variables to ease the user-experience (helloooooo tactician, and mr. smart-e-pants in Aussie-land)... controlled messaging and language are the tools of many professionals, some of them even know how to utilize those tools... surveys and carefully guided options are used by all sorts of types... manipulation and exploitation through subconscious imprinting, i don't really know what the pros call it, maybe suggestive manipulation? anyways, thinking about communication today... it's an obstacle for some, second nature for others, and a tool for still others... surveys, hmm... utility, hmm... i could write the crap out of survey's for utility-sake, that's sort of easy actually, but is that a solid use of function/utility/potential... probably... under the right circumstances. -- ct
12-21-21 after suppah: i grew up outside of boston, and we pronounced supper with a clear 'AHH' instead of 'ERR' at the end, you probably know what i mean... anyhow, i'm thinking about the son tonight, he's near the end of a long and difficult journey, pushing himself harder than he knew that he could be pushed... and i'm thinking that i'd love to be alongside of him and the team he is in... i think most parents want to be able to help their off-spring many times throughout of lives, it's a built-in empathy, so part of me would like to be along-side to help him, but also--even as unconditioned as my sorry-ass is right now--i would still love to go on a hard physical journey to some degree, i love Bear Grylls shows and the extent that he pushes many people past their comfort-zone, that's cool and all, but the sort of multi-stage event that the US Marines have to complete while pushed past comfort zones and exhaustion, that's the sort of thing that i'm talking about... pushing yourself hard on a few specific tasks is appreciated, and pushing yourself hard in multi-disciplinary and physically demanding tasks while your deprived of food, water, and rest is another level of appreciation... i appreciate the fact that i'm not really beside him and his teamates and literally pushing through the same obstacles--logically speaking i would be dead or hospitalized by now--but i appreciate difficult outdoor challenges, and i'm glad that he is experiencing this difficult challenge... that young man is as decent of a kid as you could hope for, his future is promising... let's see if he is able to finish strong through the rest of the night... time will tell... but he's got about seven and a half hours to go before the scheduled ending... thinking about the boy tonight, and the challenge that he is immersed in...
... also thinking about the weather, we are supposed to get some rain-to-icing precipitation overnight, they called school off as it was a scheduled half-day and the foul weather was going to cause a two-hour delay... fair-enough... that saves me a couple of trips tomorrow... forecasters were predicting a possible white-christmas in new england until a couple of days ago, now it seems that the precip should be long-gone by Christmas day...
... also thinking more about writing... one of my girls has a literacy class, and the structure of the questions that they ask her are remarkably challenging with all of the fancy 'predicates' and the-like... my most comfortable writing style wouldn't hold-up very well in her class, every frickin paragraph would be returned for multiple corrections, i should mention that i deal with the dyslexia thing from time to time, and it's not just with letters it's also noticeable in the way that i organize/structure thoughts and build sentences, you might have picked-up on that already... i'm an editor's worse nightmare... anyhow, i'm happy i don't have to produce work for her Lit class, in fact i'd rather be doing the psych or the forensics, or possibly on the tail-end of a 48 miles trip around parris island... it will be interesting to see what my first publication looks like when it's done, it's a creative piece, so the story makes-up a bit for the undisciplined structure, but it will certainly need to be better than my preferred style, i made good progress on the outline today, but there are more themes and topics that i want to include, and i think the challenge is that maybe i'm a bit afraid that i will miss important detail/content... it may sound strange for a fifty-two year old to say such a thing, but i think that's part of the problem... is it maybe that fear is clouding judgement... we can just as easily be impaired by emotions and perceptions as we might be from too much tequila, we can be impaired by many things unfortunately... anyways, i'm going to do a bit more research and see if i can find the info that i'm looking for... it's terminology that is much of the obstacle, that's certainly a factor in this case... but i should mention to you school-aged folks to please please keep at the literacy class/thing... please... or you might end-up writing like this, and you won't get good grades, good talk then, thank you for your attention :-) ... i just received an email that i want to read, have a good evening. -- ct
12-20-21: i'm trying to resist the urge to consume political news today... the DNC cult will be seething and frothing at their mouths over Manchin's convictions and non-compliance to simply roll-over and let the demons take possession of his moral compass... there is more spiritual battling going on in politics than at an antifa and BLM 'block party' or protest or riot--depending on your flavor... i'm sure that Manchin has his own imperfections and demons to tame, but i admire his conviction and determination... anyways, i'm juggling several different topics of reading, and have plenty to do around the house today, so i'll try to stay away from politics while the left eat their own for brunch... i haven't had any feedback lately, i think that's good, in fact, too much feedback would be another chore, but i invite the reader to poke and push back at my perspectives, do your bet to change them and to influence and persuade my simple little noggin. -- ct
12-20-21 later:
'embracing the suck', to be cognitive of environment and conditions and mission, to exhibit determination and to perform under adverse conditions ... the folks training with Josiah are in for some adverse weather during their challenge...
... Currently @ 0836 Cloudy / Partly Cloudy skies 41°F 5°C, Humidity 76%, Wind Speed NE 21 mph, Barometer 30.26 inches, Dewpoint 34°F (1°C) Visibility 10.00 miles, Wind Chill 32°F (0°C). Sunrise 0719 / Sunset 1721.
Today/ Mostly cloudy, with a high near 52. Northeast wind 11 to 15 mph.
Tonight/ Rain likely, mainly after 4am. Cloudy, with a low around 45. North wind 11 to 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%. New precipitation amounts between a tenth and quarter of an inch possible.
Tuesday/ Rain. High near 55. Northeast wind 11 to 14 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New precipitation amounts between 1 and 2 inches possible.
Tuesday Night/ Rain before 1am, then showers likely, mainly between 1am and 4am. Low around 46. Northwest wind 11 to 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New precipitation amounts between a half and three quarters of an inch possible.
... cold, tired, and hungry are difficult circumstances to stay motivated and to perform at high-levels... add 'wet' to the equation and things just really suck... my best regards to the training company's that have begun their 'crucible' this morning, it's going to be a long 2.5 days... god bless them all... and let your will be done. -- ct
Today/ Mostly cloudy, with a high near 52. Northeast wind 11 to 15 mph.
Tonight/ Rain likely, mainly after 4am. Cloudy, with a low around 45. North wind 11 to 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%. New precipitation amounts between a tenth and quarter of an inch possible.
Tuesday/ Rain. High near 55. Northeast wind 11 to 14 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New precipitation amounts between 1 and 2 inches possible.
Tuesday Night/ Rain before 1am, then showers likely, mainly between 1am and 4am. Low around 46. Northwest wind 11 to 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 100%. New precipitation amounts between a half and three quarters of an inch possible.
... cold, tired, and hungry are difficult circumstances to stay motivated and to perform at high-levels... add 'wet' to the equation and things just really suck... my best regards to the training company's that have begun their 'crucible' this morning, it's going to be a long 2.5 days... god bless them all... and let your will be done. -- ct
12-20-21 more later: holy-smokes! well... i don't know what that phrase really means, but it's my reaction when i just consumed a few articles and a video that speak to some of the concerns that have been floating around in me wee-little brain... there are forms of coercive manipulation that have been exhibited by public 'influencers' of all types, and it seems to be growing exponentially as the coerced/herd respond favorably to the influencer's intent... anyways, that's how i'll put it for now... but i've just been using my own simple words and terms such as 'herd mentality, urban-herd, manipulating, evil-intent, and the common word in society that i have adopted 'influencers', and when you pick up on the manipulation of poor actors/salesmen/public-communicators, etc it becomes evident, but from a limited and crude perspective (my own)... but then when i consume publication which details much of the phenomenon that i've been witnessing expressed by professionals in their respective fields, and using proper terms, based on facts and not just what a simple discernment suggests... well that's when the 'mind is blown', as some of us say... well, sometimes the phrase holy-smokes is the literal utterance... i'm appreciating the observations and perspectives of S. Freud and H. Lothane and M. Desmet today, and the wonderful folks that somehow brought their work to my attention... so what seems a bit obvious to me in some respects is well observed/studied/documented by smart folks, cool... C. Langan uses a simple differentiation of a 'calm' vs. a 'controlled' language, agreed... connecting the dots as to who manipulates the manipulators in controlling the herds should be an obvious point of concern... but even before that point one should consider that evil exists, and it's motives are to steal, kill, and destroy that which does not belong to such evil... up and down that chain-of-command those actions and behaviors ought to be obvious to some extent... and then i recall one of the important theories offered by C. Langan 'parasitic divergence' theory, look-up the term for yourself and see if make's sense to you... sound theories are one's which can be applied to various aspects in life, and this one does... when you understand the depth's of low that some folks/entities will go to distract and manipulate those who are open to such manipulation it's about infuriating to a simple guy like me... then after the initial emotion we must approach reality with a sound mind and a healthy perspective and do our part in suppressing such aggression and actions and behaviors... E. Musk has been getting a lot of headlines lately, i don't know that anyone needs that sort of wealth, but he is writing uncle sam an eleven-billion dollar check in the months to come, and that wealth is being expeditiously redistributed... who is redistributing it, and how are they distributing it, and with what message are they using while redistributing it... frankly speaking, i could give a rat's-ass as to a person's net-worth, it's when they start doing sneaky things to grow their empire's is where i start having a problem with the uber-wealthy, because doing sneaky things is typically at other people's expense, which is where the manipulation becomes survival for continued expansion, and a very slippery slope, and it doesn't matter how far up or down the chain of command they might be, but the parasitic divergence theoryactions/behaviors are displayed until the lowest private is without necessities, or begins to wake-up as to who has been manipulating them, and at the impact/cost to the lowest of us all, it's a terrible system to get caught-up in... once you learn the behavior it's intoxicating effects compromise the soul... Abrahamic and Christian doctrine speaks to a god which will give a person over to their own greedy desires with a depraved mind when they take their eye's off of the two biggest commandments,
and the desire's of a man's heart may be the very opening for the moral compromise
... i think to some degree i have been there, it was an awfully confusing period of time to be quite real... i wanted what i wanted and tried to 'play god' to get what i wanted, in some respects... i am not good at being god, so i ought not to pursue the impulsive and illogical actions to give into selfish desires, nor should i try to coerce or manipulate others to do my work for me.
... anyways, i was supposed to be doing something else, not reading and contemplating all of this sort stuff today, good grief. -- ct
12-20-21 a bit more later: if 'holy smokes' was my reaction to reading some material earlier today, then 'holy-sh1t' would be the reaction to an email that i just received (i obviously struggle with the definition of 'holy' the way that i sling it around)... good clarity on 'telor', entity i understand, telor was a bit difficult to grasp... but 'yes indeed' is also a valid reaction, limiting the full theory of telor to just a couple of known labels isn't wise at all... hmmm... there is much more to consider now... hmm... wait a second, so then is this quote true to theory "The plant is composed of mico-Telors (the cells) that compose the plant (which is a higher order Telor)" it was made by someone that i haven't identified, it was by Langan ... so if that's an accurate possability, then are isolated atoms a telor of sorts... seriously... then my mind is blown even more/worse... but i'll have to read more on the subject... -- ct
12-20-21 just a bit more later: so the word telor is a volume in itself, it cracks my head wide open with new variables/possibilities to consider... ouch! ... 12-21-21 UPDATE: so wait now... is a telor anything that requires some form of energy to exert energy to sustain life? i dunno, i thought i understood it yesterday, but now i'm not so sure... i'll have to read some more, and then ask questions to reliable sources if i get stuck.-- ct
12-20-21 about supper time: today's plans took severe changes... now i'm watching a looong video, i appreciate much of it, i appreciate all of the participants being as forthcoming and articulate, it's a loooong-ass video (the four horseman!!! if i participated it would be four-horseman and the token ass)... one of the interesting topics that i think they spent too much time covering was psychedelics, let me just say this, the psycho-doctors will continue to study whether or not it's a legitimate endocrine therapeutic... but my personal experience--therefore exceedingly biased opinion--is that at a particular dosage the mushrooms provide the subject with a possible wake-up call that there is more than meet's the eye as far as perfectly-assumed perception is concerned, i experienced a bit of a wake-up call that was life-changing, i don't know whether that's the case for every subject, but i took occasional notes, i wish i could find them now, it was just a bullet-point with six-seven-or eight headings, but looking back after the fact was insightful, most of which is that i was severely materialistic... whether or not it's a proper multi-event/administered therapeutic is for smarter folks to ponder... personally speaking... i don't think that i require anymore of that natural derivative... i think 'i'm good', as they say. -- ct
12-20-21 post-supper: i swear i want to beat him over his fvcking head with his noisy-ass exhaust pipes, what dimwit wastes their money with the intention of making extra noise and distracting people from living with a bit of peace while adding additional noise-pollution to an already noisy world... you have no idea how far-up the poop-shoot i could render those exhaust pipes... think ivan-the-impaler sorts of thoughts here... @sshole... and they come by the herds/droves in the summer. -- ct
12-20-21 getting late: today's input was a bit of an overload... i'm also thinking a ton about my son and the incredible challenge that he is immersed in... so combine the two and i needed a brain-break, and so i rent 'full metal jacket' to satisfy my current state, what a great military movie... but then i think of some recent literature regarding messaging, and control and manipulation... every totalitarian regime had leaders that successfully manipulated and controlled the herd... take--for instance--the concept of the blanket-party... i've witnessed this phenomenon back in the late eighties, those actions are typically instigated from 'leaders/influencers', i don't know how prevalent it still is nowadays, but assholes know how to trigger herds, it's just what they do... how have your 'influencers' shaped your thoughts, actions, and behaviors... have influential people compromised your belief's, and modified your otherwise smart decision-making capacity... really... Really... REALLY... chances are that you are very much a part of a herd, are you being lead astray, or like a sheep to slaughter... honestly ask yourself if you have or haven't been coerced within the last year or two... well don't just stand there numb-nuts... what the fvck are you waiting for... out-fvcking-standing ... anyways... i've probably watched the movie a hundred times or so, and it never get's old, but i've never looked at it from the perspective of a government triggering desired actions from the enchanted masses... absolutely sickening. -- ct
12-20-21 very late: the bathroom scene at the end of basic training is hard to watch... spoiler alert... murder suicide, D'Onofrio offered a chilling performance... i think i liked the boot-camp first half of the movie better than the second half, it's like a two-for-one sort of movie... shutting it off now, now that i think about it... there is better time to be spent right now. -- ct
12-20-21 almost tomorrow: so i'm trying to go through some youtube videos with Chris and Gina Langan, and this one cracks me up... i had an experience a bunch of years back in colorado, which rendered me in the closest emergency room... and during my trip to the E.R. there were a handful of rodeo participants that had come and gone, well, all of them came and most of them left while i was still there... and it wasn't a typical ER, it would call it a small country medical clinic, i recall being pretty stoned from the anesthetic-drip, so i can't recall their specific injuries, but i only assumed the worse from them... i was thinking that they all must have been gored by some giant El-guapo the train-sized bovine... i've never ridden anything bareback before, it must be quite an experience, it must let you know that your alive, unless it offers the opposite effect... who knows. -- ct
12-19-21: so this is what six hours of sleep without hormone manipulation feels like, so far not-so-good, maybe it's the atmospheric pressure combined with congestion and whatever else is going on inside of my honking nose right now... anyways, i'm hopeful that gravity, fluids, and the chili on top of this morning's eggs will all help to relieve my foggy/groggy state... there is a pretty coating of white on the ground and automobiles... to my liking we didn't get very much snow accumulation, it's a weather phenomenon that i don't appreciate as much as some folks do, or critters for that much... the best thing that i like about the snow is watching animals that really love it play around, and roll around in it, i love watching the joy that some forms of life exhibit when they embrace the cold and fluffy stuff... otherwise it's just another chore that i must fit in between the rest of my responsibilities... i appreciated parts of yesterday, i went outside to deal with the rest of the leaf-fall prior to the snow, and the landlady's partner was already outside working on it by himself... i appreciate working alongside, or even just interacting with older generations, the wealth of information and wisdom that most of them posses is brilliant... he grew up into a farming family, he learned to care for animals and to grow sustaining nourishment and hard work and responsibilities from a pretty young age--potatoes were their crop of choice, in conjunction with growing the food to feed the animals that they raised... brilliant... anyways, we talked and worked for a couple of hours, and by the time that we were satisfied with the leaf-removal the snow had begun, good timing... i appreciate spending a little bit of time with him yesterday, he's a hearty old-timer with many signs of frailty as well, if i'm still alive at his age i hope to be able to keep moving and exercising body and mind and soul...
... i don't want to pick-up on any more psychology reading today, i want to read some Psalms, and some more literature/publications from C. Langan, mixed in with chores and family time... wife and i are supposed to go 'shopping' for gifts today, we don't have financial resources to pay all of our bills, yet we are going to purchase gifts, good grief... breaking bad habits and living life responsibly with the resources that we have is supposed to be the order of the day, sometimes it even is... i also hope to re-visit the project that i'm just calling 'a conversation', it's an allegory of sorts... i'm now aware that the bulk of my writing is what i would call 'off hours', i use writing as a way to deal with insomnia many times, it's something that i do when i probably ought to be sleeping instead of communicating... sometimes the ideas and words flow best at that time, and sometimes those ideas are jumbled and incomplete, as they should be when cognitive ability is diminished by lack of adequate sleep, we need that sleep thing you know... so revisiting that project when i'm more coherent is a bit challenging... i liken it to the concept of 'state-dependent memory'--which i just recently read about--but you mix that concept in with any sort of cognitive impairment--like sleep deprivation--and trying to recall/attain the same thoughts when more coherent isn't as simple as it seems that it should be... i think i should actually work on an outline for it now... 'ass-backwards' is a term that you could use to describe much of my approach to writing... the creative-writing happens without much prep work, it's just like a simple idea that you can run with... but then more structured writing has various ideas/concepts and various depths to them organized in a coordinated and detailed/thorough premeditated approach... combining the structured with the creative seems to yield the best fruits... so i think i'll take a crack at the more structured type of writing when i am more awake, it ought to help with the re-writing... time will tell...
... taking a peek at analytics this morning there was a noticeable uptick in viewers, which suggests that i wrote about something very controversial again, or maybe i hit a decent chord, or a number of variables really... it could indicate that i am about to get targeted again, we'll see, time will tell.
... the eggs and chili and coffee are speaking to me right now, so pardon my departure as i go figure out what they are trying to communicate. -- ct
12-19-21 later: well for starters, i think that my breakfast was telling me to consider adjusting the pH-level of the next batch of chili... but really, i think that i have a better idea now of what an upcoming series that i've read about is going to consist of, it's probably going to be a much better detailed, logical and presented opportunity of increasing intelligence, increasing your intelligence includes things like using the intelligence that you already have but using discernment and better judgement about applying smart choices and self-control in our own lives, increasing your capacity to process/understand your environment and identifying and knowing how to utilize your resources, and and appreciation for god'- will--all requiring making intelligent decisions in your life... but when we pull that bull-shit--which can be exhibited in a statement like 'well i know that already', yet our actions and behaviors suggest the contrary, then we should assume that we are not making the most of the intelligence and resources that we have already been provided... so there is little point in trying to increase capacity and 'grow' if we act like stubborn three-year-olds in an otherwise adult-looking exterior... but really, that just speaks to exercising self-control and cognition of your environment and not being impatient and impulsive on priorities and things that we are supposed to already know and understand, trying to understand and do god's will is part of that equation... but increasing intelligence means to increase overall health, because overall holistic and healthy lifestyle and priorities lead to better functioning/performance... how many times do people hear the proven concept and importance of nutrition and exercise as means to improving our condition, we also know that we should be consuming a decent amount of beneficial and hydrating liquids for better cellular functioning--personally speaking i would be more than happy if i could survive a good and healthy life if coffee and beer were the only available liquids to consume... and NO, i'm not joking... we can expect to change and grow and get healthy by making compromised/ignorant decisions in what we eat, and drink, and how often and how much we sleep, but the expectations for positive growth and development while making compromised and hypocritical/paradoxical decisions could be accurately described as insane and delusional and stubborn and unintelligent, sometimes the lack of motivation that we feel show's us how much we really understand something, if we aren't aware of the importance of a matter, if we are just being lazy and stubborn and refuse to 'adult'--or, 'adulting'--is a common phrase that i hear...
... anyways, i have an unfortunately inconsistent level of exercising sound judgement from time to time, i have a higher tolerance for risk than some folks, and i can operate in a state of bliss from time to time... so when i make an effort to increase my intelligence, it begins with making more intelligent decisions which can speak to whether or not i'm too lazy and unmotivated for increasing anything at all... personally speaking, i expected to die at a young age, and to a certain degree i lived my life in a short-sighted and un-informed manner which suggested as much, it suggested that life is a short sprint, and do whatever 'feels' good because who know's what tomorrow will behold, i call it fantasy-land playtime... but the fact that i'm now fifty-two, and alive and kicking, is proof that i was less intelligent than i thought, hindsight is education that should be appreciated, but what we do with the gift of knowledge is very telling, it can speak volumes to actual cognitive awareness/intelligence...
... if the crude description of 'stages of change' goes like this:
pre-contemplative,
contemplative, active/participation, and 'maintenance' (i would add 'continued growth and development') then we ought to do our best to stay out of the impaired cognition of subliminal 'neutral' of pre-contemplative and contemplative, and strive to stay in the conscious level of 'active participation' and 'continued growth and development' using every bit of our god-given intelligence and fruits of the spirit and the resources before us...
... so i have some simple ideas of 'increasing intelligence', which is more or less optimizing human performance in body, mind, and soul using practical and simple advice, but i'm pretty sure that the discussion/chat-thing that i want to follow-along--and possibly participate in--will probably cover a much broader and better range of topics and ideas than i could possibly imagine... but in my most simplest of survival necessities i would say that humans require water, food, sleep and movement to live, and the more busy and complicated we make our live's the more distracted that we become, and forgetful of our basic needs, and the smarter choices of input, and then what we do with our output, and not just the processed nutrition... so, anyways... i'm looking forward to learning more about smarter and practical advice for a more healthy lifestyle... i'm actually really looking forward to it, because i don't know what i don't know, and then some other things i just need to be reminded about. -- ct
12-19-21 a bit more later: this post is really just a place-holder/reminder... late last week i heard a bit of the nationally syndicated 'bobby bones' radio show, he named the top-five jobs that a certain age-group of kids wanted to be someday... i can't believe that 'you-tuber' is an actual aspiration... there is a boat-load of psychology and human nature involved in that aspiration... but anyways, i want to look at bobby's list from the other day, and research a bit more... i would consider that pursuit as a form of virtual reality, it maybe a realistic outlet/platform/media for some types of professions, but a generic label of 'youtuber' doesn't sound like a sustainable endeavor... but then again, don't listen to me, i just write on a different platform which does generate a tiny bit of income, but i wouldn't consider it a profession by any means, it's a hobby, more or less... anyways... you-tuber... who knew. -- ct
12-19-21 more later than before: we are not a particularly 'military' sort of family, i served one enlistment in the army, and my son is embarking on a journey with the marines... i just wanted to preface with that info before i post the rest... the following is a creative post that wife found on one of the parris island FB pages, it did not include an author, so i don't know who to credit, but enjoy:
" The United States Marine Corps issued orders, today, to
Sergeant Major S. Claus, recalling him to active duty, with a RNLTD of
24 Dec 2020.
Sgt. Major Claus, known to use the alias “Saint Nicholas”, “Kris Kringle”, “Father Christmas”, or simply “Santa”, is a reservist, with 1,743 years of service.
He specializes as a tactical operator of the next generation DEC-25B, Cargo Airborne Delivery (CAnDY) Carrier. The DEC-25B is contractor-modified and fully equipped with Cargo Antlered Navigation Equipment Sensors (CANES).
It has also been retrofitted with eight high-powered, air-cooled Rangifer Tarandus carrot-fed generators. As a single seat cargo delivery platform, it is capable of vertical delivery of high-value items, take-off and landing without pilot controlled lighting (PCL). These unique specifications, coupled with the additional Public Affairs skill sets possessed by Sgt. Major Claus, classify the entire deployable package as a low-density, high-demand (LD/HD) asset.
Also recalled, were 1st Sergeant Dasher, Master Sergeant Dancer, Gunnery Sergeant Prancer, Staff Sergeant Vixen, Sergeant Comet, Corporal Cupid, Lance Corporal Donner, and Private First Class Blitzen.
Private Rudolph is also authorized to report for duty; however, he must first successfully complete his Phase II SERE Training, which he has failed three times due to a medical condition related to his nose.
Although the above Marines are on orders for only 24 hours, it is anticipated that they will submit a travel claim for 24,901 miles at $0.56/mile, using a POV. Suitable Government transportation is not available.
As a special operations unit, each member is granted a high level of uniform flexibility, as well as relaxed grooming standards. Per diem has been modified to include large quantities of hot cocoa and cookies. Government travel card use has been authorized. "
Sgt. Major Claus, known to use the alias “Saint Nicholas”, “Kris Kringle”, “Father Christmas”, or simply “Santa”, is a reservist, with 1,743 years of service.
He specializes as a tactical operator of the next generation DEC-25B, Cargo Airborne Delivery (CAnDY) Carrier. The DEC-25B is contractor-modified and fully equipped with Cargo Antlered Navigation Equipment Sensors (CANES).
It has also been retrofitted with eight high-powered, air-cooled Rangifer Tarandus carrot-fed generators. As a single seat cargo delivery platform, it is capable of vertical delivery of high-value items, take-off and landing without pilot controlled lighting (PCL). These unique specifications, coupled with the additional Public Affairs skill sets possessed by Sgt. Major Claus, classify the entire deployable package as a low-density, high-demand (LD/HD) asset.
Also recalled, were 1st Sergeant Dasher, Master Sergeant Dancer, Gunnery Sergeant Prancer, Staff Sergeant Vixen, Sergeant Comet, Corporal Cupid, Lance Corporal Donner, and Private First Class Blitzen.
Private Rudolph is also authorized to report for duty; however, he must first successfully complete his Phase II SERE Training, which he has failed three times due to a medical condition related to his nose.
Although the above Marines are on orders for only 24 hours, it is anticipated that they will submit a travel claim for 24,901 miles at $0.56/mile, using a POV. Suitable Government transportation is not available.
As a special operations unit, each member is granted a high level of uniform flexibility, as well as relaxed grooming standards. Per diem has been modified to include large quantities of hot cocoa and cookies. Government travel card use has been authorized. "
... pretty clever, aye... anyways, once upon a time i occupied some space on fort carson, CO ... pike's peak was an unmistakable landmark, and it wasn't a far drive to get to the first set of gates/guards at NORAD, some of my buddies and i were antagonistic to those fellas... anyways, it was several years later when i first heard a 'news broadcast' that NORAD was tracking the movements of 'santa's sleigh', too funny... i found it entertaining at the time... i appreciate creativity, sometimes more than others.
... here's what my son's Christmas might look like: https://youtu.be/nqw7LxicgPM
-- ct
12-19-21 laterer: i need to start being cognitive of intellectual property, i am not the 'intellectual' type, and so i'm not really used to that whole concept really, but it doesn't mean that i'm not involved with some folks that clearly fall under that description... i just need to be a little careful of what i post in the future days... in some respects it's similar to having a security clearance, and then being exposed to classified information, and then being responsible with the use of such knowledge... i like to teach, but what information can and should be taught is subject to consideration... anyways, i think folks that read through this crummy website understand that i'm not looking to steal anyone's ideas or to profit from them, but i need to be a little careful about what i write, and how i write it, it can't just be sub-conscious dumping of memory, that's all. -- ct
12-19-12 much later: the wife and i went shopping at three different places, two of those three places were exceedingly busy/active... i had to take a nap when we got home, sometimes my mind get's over-loaded with stimuli and variables, and i need to remove myself from the noise, so that's sort of what happened, i didn't fully remove myself from the noise, but i took a much appreciated nap when we got home... anyhow... i threw this lame page up today, it's for another project, but it might interest some readers, but it's not much value, it would just satisfy some curiosity. -- ct
12-18-21: OK, i need to quit being so hard on myself, i can be my own worse critic, and quite capable of self-identifying many of my flaws, but to narrow a bit... somehow i chose to settle into my own crude, simple, and rebellious writing style which opposes grammar and punctuation, and organization of conventional--or proper--english... and lately i've been pushing myself far beyond my preferred lexile-level of literature... so i require resolution of the paradox of language/communication-style versus message/intelligence in my own life... to some degree i think that a portion of the motivational advice/wisdom that i had recently given to my son is also god's words/counsel to me... it was simply 'that you are more capable than you understand'... i also think that it's probably true of almost every person, if not everyone... the concept of continual human growth and development, and always navigating life with a willingness to assume that in many respects we are as ignorant as a little child... continued growth requires a stepping-out and being willing to move beyond our immediate environment--or our current ceiling and even 'comfort zone'... and that requires things like courage, most people happily settle in to their own small environment and geography where they have a decent grasp of what makes their little-world operate, and how to safely and 'logically' navigate it... and what i mean by that is that we do what we think is is logical to saty safe and comfortable, it's similar to herd mentality, afraid to migrate independently, or to graze at that lush patch of feed where the rest won't consider... it also requires an open mind, understanding the reality that you 'don't know everything', that you 'don't know what you don't know', that you do not interpret everything that you see perfectly, and that we all have a sort of handicapped, or limited cognitive facility--so you have to assume that most of what you have learned to this point in time is useful, but far from complete, and that some of the wrong things that you learned need to be reassessed and better realized... it also involves paying attention to detail, if you are cold, tired, or hungry it's hard to stay focussed and operate at peek-levels (bring your A-game), there are many other logical things that we can do to be able to hold adequate concentration, things like eating well and exercising portion control, staying properly hydrated, and not being distracted by unimportant noise and nonsense--personally speaking i deal with a hyper-alertness and vigilance at times and it's exceedingly distracting to see a small movement in the distance when there is more relevant--or higher-priority stuff that's right under my nose...
... so i think that some of the recent advice that i had been offering to my son is also relevant for me... to be strong and courageous, and to dig deep and fight hard when it's required, and to fight like you mean it with conviction and with everything that you've got, dig deep for strength ... to be sober and alert, and to remain focused while navigating life full of distractions and discerning distractions from real obstacles... realizing that the knowledge and understanding that we have is useful, but must be subject to change as we can process more variables and information...
... so i think that some of the recent advice that i had been offering to my son is also relevant for me... to be strong and courageous, and to dig deep and fight hard when it's required, and to fight like you mean it with conviction and with everything that you've got, dig deep for strength ... to be sober and alert, and to remain focused while navigating life full of distractions and discerning distractions from real obstacles... realizing that the knowledge and understanding that we have is useful, but must be subject to change as we can process more variables and information...
... maybe the practical communication to me would be to not sell my capabilities short, continue to grow, maintain situation awareness while focusing on priorities, and that god is closer than i sometimes understand, operate under god's moral compass, dig deep and fight hard when fighting is required... and the thing that hit me today is to quit falling under the labels and assumptions of previous glass ceilings, i'm losing the fight when i do so...
... thinking about a paper that i read today 'IQ, IEQ, and Intelligence', i'm beginning to understand certain aspects of the topic a bit more clearly, i need to quit selling myself short, and just focus on the message, i've settled for poor perspective for entirely too long, and i think that's part of the moral of today's story. -- ct
12-18-21 later: we are still receiving our first measurable snow-fall this season, we've had a couple of occasions of flurries already in the past few weeks, but we are getting more than just a mere coating tonight, it's not very windy, and the temps are supposed to rise, so the few inches might grow a wee-bit more, but will likely melt down to a pretty coating, and quite possibly melt totally away by monday... monday, hmm... monday my son takes on the final exam of his parris island experience, they call it the crucible... i have very little recollection of whatever the army's version of that was, but i remember that there was entirely too-little sleep involved while exercising good judgement and demonstrating necessary skills and appropriate reactions to a series of difficult events and environment... i recall that there were exactly a s hit-ton of miles covered carrying a big-old heavy backpack, i think they call it a full combat load, whatever, i just recall being tired to the near point of hallucination, simply put... it wasn't a picnic... but the marines have their own unique set of events and circumstances that a recruit must navigate appropriately/proficiently enough to be called a marine, i don't have first-hand experience with the exact experience, but i will confidently assume that it is also 'no picnic.'.. but it's the pinnacle of the initial world of hurt and crap that the marines had to learn and adapt-to in order to successfully navigate their boot camp... so they wake them at 2:am and they don't stop much for the next couple of two-three days... it's going to suck, but it's the final exam for a difficult career choice... anyways, as a dad i sort of emotionally empathize and grieve to a certain extent, but as logically speaking, it is what it is, and come wednesday he might pass his final exam... time will tell, but i'm an empathetic dad that is obviously impatient to embrace what the future beholds... but good fvcking luck young man, you picked a difficult job, and it's about to get 'real' in a hurry... and the beauty of the training and how intense and difficult it might seem, some marines, and other military folks have actually had to endure more difficult challenges and experiences, so basic training is difficult, but the reality is that your job might be much more challenging and difficult in the future, but the will to survive and fight and overcome, and to realize/live another day, it's a reality of life, the need to adapt and overcome obstacles and a changing environment, while seeking truth and reality and god's will above all else, that's everybody's struggle and walk through life, some seasons are more difficult than others, some folks take on more risky endeavors than others and have different obstacles to recognize, adapt, and overcome... not matter your tolerance for risk, or complete absence of, don't do it without the knowledge and acceptance and appropriate response to the reality of god, and god's will, and how to utilize your free will and resources most efficiently, life is just too difficult and meaningless and foolish and otherwise lacks intelligence. -- ct
12-17-21: so this is what seven hours of sleep feels like, hmm... i think i like it... if you look at yesterday's post below, you will see that it's short and sweet, but most of it was continued under the 'Life Lessons' section instead... i will add a bit more later, there is the concept of understanding that pain and suffering are a sort of gift, they are gifts of knowledge, knowledge that good and bad things happen, and that love and evil exist, we learn that through experiences, even the shitty ones... that is par of yesterday's paper that i want to add later... but i require some food and a second cup of coffee before i continue... i'm thinking eggs and toast and some fruit... so pardon my departure, but feel free to read yesterday's post if your curious as to how i spent part of yesterday. -- ct
12-17-21 later: breakfast was adequate... thank you... so i'm trying to give a bit more time and energy into something that a guy explained to me just recently... the concept goes something like this... what when we learn and experience information when under the influence of various substances, those things may need to be re-learned when sober... it was explained that there is a different 'interpretation and routing and storage' of information that happens to the sober brain as opposed to the brain under various substances and other forms of self-retardation, well that's just my own spin on it really... how does the relearning, or re-conditioning of the sober mind involves 'un-learning' as well... it can't just be learning the same thing once you are sober, there is an unlearning aspect involved, you must understand that you were experiencing a modified version of reality when you processed information through a depraved and retarded mind-set... why should any of that concept and theory be relevant? well... because i retarded myself quite heavily with alcohol for many years... so what the fvck did i do to my simple little brain all of those years, which parts of my brain were working when other parts were supposed to be doing the work, is that why i could read something a few times and still not be able to recall that information when i was tested to see if i retained that information... those are a couple of questions that i have which speak to the relevance of the concept that was quickly explained to me... so guess what i'm going to read up on today... wish me luck, or whatever. -- ct
12-17-21 just a minute later: OK, so they call it 'state dependent memory', that's the subject of a bit of today's reading... this article looks promising... 'en bloc and fragmentary blackouts' ... hmm. -- ct
12-17-21 more later: reading took a back-seat, i just had an unexpected bunch of father types of chores to run... it was a cool/unique ride home though... RMD Stables had a horse get loose, and he/she was exploring around the road a bit when we pulled up on it, the road can get a bit busy this time of the day, but daughter and i parked car in the middle of the road to stop traffic, and i got that beautiful beast to finally head back in the direction of the stable... i haven't been that close to equine in years, he got a little mouthy with me, but he behaved when he knew that i was steering him back home... he was also quite vocal once he saw where he needed to go, i wish i knew what it was saying... too funny... it can get busy like you wouldn't believe around town, but you can also find a tractor driving down the street on any given day... and apparently a loose horse too... what a beautiful animal... OK, back to state-dependent memory. -- ct
12-17-21 significantly later: dang-it... ctmu theory is really challenging me to expand my vocabulary in order to effectively follow along with certain concepts with better detail... i appreciate a new challenge, but dang-it... it's partly genetic, my brain receives and processes and stores and responds to information and stimuli differently than most other folks, and somethings faster and sometimes slower... language/vocabulary has always been a slow and difficult process for me... the reader should please understand that i goofed-off as much as humanly possible during USA high school, on the A-F letter-grading system i basically averaged Ds and Fs in classes that i didn't appreciate, and As and Bs in classes that could hold my attention/interest long enough for a lazy and unmotivated teenager... gym and drafting were my favorites... somehow i managed to graduate the same year as the class that i started with, but i had to take as many classes as possible my senior year, plus a Psych 101 class at the local community college... together they all gave me enough credits to move past the dreaded formal and mandated K-12 education... i did not thrive growing up in a busy and modern and densely populated, and audio-visual overload of a geography, and trying to do everything that everyone else was doing, and i did have some unique challenges to overcome... but i was more than happy to join the army and see what the rest of the world looked like beyond the small world which i was exposed to... but it end's-up that i only stayed in long enough to experience a few more states and a few more countries... so i did not get to 'see the rest of the world', just a wee bit more of it... but i carried the lazy and unmotivated boy at heart, and continued on a path of professional knucklehead of funny and impulsive and intoxicated endeavors, basically social priorities, not logical one's, i was going for the PhD for the fool-hearty... the only time that i was pushed much to grow in any formal education after high school was when i needed to increase my asvab score in order to pursue a different job in the army... my math sucked... and surprisingly the power's that be allowed me to take a self-paced math course at a satellite of some university which was conveniently located on ft carson, i took the class, improved my asvab scores, but i never took the road of pursuing the other job--which is another boring story in-itself... so, if i want to narrow the big-picture back to down to a shorter statement-- i would say that i've devoted the first third of my life wasting potential while prioritizing foolish endeavors with meaningless rewards... and when smart people were using adolescence through twenties trying to utilize and appreciate the learning process, i was on a quest to find the cheapest beer, or even the perfect bottle of wine... so between wasting time and
potential and retarding my god given motor-skills with alcohol. well let's just say that i didn't do myself any favors really... so i'm just saying all of that to support the reason as to why learning new languages and expanding my vocabulary is difficult for me... if you look back through this winded and never ending paragraph you will see my answer a couple of times... it's that i'm lazy and unmotivated, well sometimes, sometimes that is part of the picture... and it's also a bit to do with the way that my simple brain is wired, some folks interpret/process/respond/store information faster than others, i might have to read the same dang thing three times before i can recall it well at all... so, as i opened with... dang-it, i'm being challenged to expand my vocabulary... i know that it's a bit of a weakness of mine, but challenge accepted, i need to use and exercise this noggin a bit more i suppose... maybe my writing will improve through this process as well, that would be a treat... which reminds me to get back to the first book that i want to publish, it's sort of a neat story... it took a back-burner when i hit a difficult bit of a mini crisis a few months back, then the story expanded some, and also hit some impacted/embedded grief, i didn't realize that i was sort of communicating with god to a degree while i was writing it, so it had become sort of a therapeutic type of story to work on... well you might see... as i do believe that it's worthy of print as simple as it is, but time will tell. good night. -- ct
12-16-21: today i had a tiny epiphany of sorts on cognitive rehabilitation/healing from embedded grief and unhealthy mind-sets... i'm not a professional anything so don't take my word as perfect in any respects, i expect the reader to be a big-boy or a big-girl that struggles with emotional distress to various degrees, and know's how to use the inter-web-net thing to do their own research if anything strikes a nerve of makes sense... that's my professional amateur disclaimer... OK... cool... so the rest of today's post is on another part of this simple and crummy website... it's right here. -- ct
12-15-21: that was the most amount of sleep that i've had in over a week, i went down around 19:30, was interrupted by the sound of some texts around 22:00, but then woke on my own around 04:00... looking forward to a more productive day than yesterday. added another mouse to this year's pile of rodents, they seem to like the trap set up high on a baker's rack in the kitchen more than the traps that were left on the floor, how weird is that... kids have a half day today, so i'll be doing a bunch of driving the first half of the day, and an orthodontist appt later in the afternoon, other than that my time and effort should be getting the kitchen back in order, hopefully i'll have some reading time mixed in there somewhere, i'll be picking back up on the latest ctmu paper that i began yesterday, i had nothing but interruptions yesterday when trying to read it, but so far it's easier to read than some of the more heady one's written in the 1980s... OK, i'm out of here so i can pick up where i left off from it yesterday, enjoy your day, and use your time wisely. -- ct
12-15-21 later: i forgot that i was playing santa claus tonight at the wife's Christmas party at the Y... the little one's were so darn cute that my cheeks are hurting from so much smiling... no one pee'd on me, or puked on me, or cried, or kicked me... i call that a success, i'd say that 15 percent of them wanted NOTHING to do with me, most did regular sorts of santa interaction things, and a couple of them couldn't get enough of me/santa. i sweated through my base layer of clothing and dang nearly overheated, but that one tiny little gal that offered hugs and kisses was quite a Christmas present for old Saint Nic and alone made the effort worth it... like i said, my cheeks are sore from smiling... what would the kids think if they knew that under all of that red and white costume was actually a lean 160lb balding guy with darkish hair and a gappy-toothe smile wearing jeans and a t-shirt... maybe the fifteen percent would have been more like fifty... anyways, it was fun, and the remaining sweet and sour meatballs were my icing on the cake, as we say... and for little Lyla that gave me her wish list, i'm sure that your parents will find the Elsa toy, the new toothbrush, some new pajamas, the Pete the Cat book, and your new baby doll... she was about as cute as they come... it was my second time playing santa, last year it was at my daughter's work, and this year it was at my wife's work... i don't think i need an agent yet, but a few more years and my beard will be white enough to go without the scratchy fake one (which looked like the previous santa chewed tobacco while wearing it), and another 50 to 75 pounds more and i won't need the pillow under the coat either... i dunno, maybe i should get an agent... HA, never... anyways, today wasn't as productive as i would have liked, but i got some great reading in, which is mostly a treat for me unless it's for a crappy project, but this week's ctmu paper is a great read so far, Chris goes into metaphysics really quickly in this one, and that's why i was lead to his works in the first place... i enjoy reading the great Christian authors that are more commonly known, but i require the science too, the geek in me appreciates the vocabulary and order of the natural sciences. Chris' works involves an efficient and dense vocabulary that is clearly not what i am used to... it might take me a decent sized paragraph to state what he communicates in one sentence... he also covers quantum-physics and mechanics which is something that i've never studied, so all of that language and theory is new to me... and another thing that make's his works difficult is that i've forgotten all of the hardcore math that i learned when i was twenty, i learned it all very quickly to increase my asvab scores to get a different job in the army, and i learned it very quickly from a self-paced course, and crushed the test, but within a couple of years i had forgotten most of it, the terrible accident and a few thousand beers probably had much to do with that, i suppose... anyhow, the ctmu papers and books have been quite stimulating for my simple little noggin, and i appreciate that... coming off of last year's crisis i needed something more/better to spend my free time consuming, and i got it... thank you Christopher, and to the god of all creation for reminding me that i'm not as stupid as i had been trying to be... i no longer wish to retard myself with chemicals/alcohol and consuming professional sports and moronic entertainment, i am more present in my family's lives and have realigned priorities, life is still full of the dung-heap that i've created for myself, but i have a better perspective about the past, present, and future... some knucklehead on the FB page made a statement regarding people giving a sort of testimony about how their life has evolved since consuming ctmu related info, so there, i just did it, but i won't give him the satisfaction of replying on FB with it, he seems like a dunce that's just trying to stir-up a shit-storm anyways... i was the first one up, and the last one to go to sleep tonight, so i need to bed-down now, good night. -- ct
12-14-21 crazy early: we just got back from ER (urgent care) with youngest daughter, they ruled-out some of the nastier possibilities, but still not certain what is causing the acute pain, it's subsided bit, so we are hoping that it was either trapped gas, muscular, or god did something awesome... anyhow, it's 03:16 and even though i'm not fully functional, i'm still a bit wired from the midnight jug of coffee... we'll see how the rest of this day goes, but i'm hoping to fit in a bit of sleep.
i'm picking-up on some more ctmu stuff, they are smart folks that spent substantial time reading and learning and expect others to do the same, no shortcuts, just read and learn and then ask well thought-out questions... they don't appreciate folks that ask how to make peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, time-wasters... i'm starting to get that now, tough love with a heaping of reality. anyways, i started another paper today called 'The CTMU as the Nexus of Spirituality and Cosmology: An Interdisciplinary Approach to Reality', it's not quite as difficult to consume as some of the quantum-physics papers, so i'm a bit encouraged... some of Langan's works from the 80s are so efficient with rich/dense vocabulary, and unfamiliar subject matter that my brain cells didn't quite know how to respond, in fact, one of the bigger papers took reading and re-reading and even some re-re-reading to grasp, but then again, i'm not the brightest bulb in the bunch, and reading the works of someone with about twice the IQ that i was gifted ought to be challenging with logical reasoning... i felt challenged/encouraged to read some of his works, and i happily accepted the challenge... and challenged i was/am... i could just continue reading low-lexiled publications if i want to remain unchallenged, but c'mon man, that would just be wrong... anyway, Christopher taught me few things just in the way that he responded to a new FB person, his writings are difficult for many folks, and there are no shortcuts in understanding... the lower your cognitive ability and intelligence the more times you might have to read the same thing to understand it... you have to put in the work/effort to grow/progress... and such is life... i--on the other hand--am not usually like that, i try to meet folks where they are at and rephrase things to help teach the things they are missing, and so that's sort of how i write and respond, but he catches on to trolls and adversaries pretty quickly, so maybe that's the deal with the fella that he responded to a couple of times today... i have my share of trolls too, but most of them aren't of the caliber that can really fool me, but some folks with a much broader vocabulary and IQ can initially fool me, in fact some of those folks could make fun of me and i may not even catch it at first... anyway, i enjoyed 'The Art of Knowing', and this other paper that i just started might be the one that i wished that i had read first... time will tell... OK, look, i've been awake so long that my belly is begging for another meal, but it shall be denied... well, at least for now... i'm going to fetch some tea, and resume reading until the sleepies kick-in... maybe wish me some luck. -- ct
12-14-21 later: sleeping was a torturous endeavor, lay down after 4:am--which is around the time that i usually wake up on my own… then the first morning alarm sounded off at 5:30, then the reminder alarm sounded off at 6:30, and then a third reminder alarm sounded off at 9:40... and somewhere in between those alarms there was a bit of sleeping involved... the 9:40 alarm reminds me that i have weekly calls with a therapist of sorts, today's call was good, but my cognition was impaired due to my all-nighter... some quick notes form today's talk...
... i had asked him about some info that he turned me on to months back, it's something that his type of folks call motivational interviewing, and part of it covers 'stages of change', it's become apparent to me that 'seasonal'--or maybe it's just a 'cyclic' depression is for real in some folks, it was brought to my attention that it's an observational and verifiable reality, and since i had a nasty time last autumn I was alerted that i might deal with that this year as well, so i was cautioned to the possibility of having another shit-season... well i am in contact with some close friends, relatives, and acquaintances that are in a bit of a shit-storm right now, and dealing with addiction and impulsive behavior that can be associated with it... anyways, the stages of change were explained as follows:
pre-contemplative -> contemplative -> active -> and finally/hopefully 'maintenance'
until active meets maintenance there can be great fluctuation of stability, and impulsive to compulsive actions and behavior, much of it seems sub-conscious, until active participation and realization that it's their battle to fight, and that others can only do so much fighting for them it's sort of like living in a painful fantasy land, repeating the same things over and over again expecting different results... fighting addiction is hard and many times painful, but reality is that we are responsible for our own thoughts, words, and deeds... or actions and behaviors...
... the part that was enlightening today was that we actually learn and interpret things differently when we are sober versus impaired, there is a physical re-routing of how information is formed... there seems to be a need to re-learn things when we are sober, the things that we might have learned when we were impaired, some addicts feel fvcked-up when they are sober because they are used to how their brain functions with the re-routing and storage of information that happens when impaired... that concept was new to me, so i will research and learn more... but i fvcking hate talking to drunks whom i know are going to forget ninety percent of our conversation when they wake-up the next day, that in itself is insanity, why would i keep talking to insane people expecting different results, hence my own bit of insanity, in doing so do i become the enabling codependent... anyways, i'm praying for some folks that are near and dear to my heart differently today than i had been lately...
... the 'stages of change' can be applied to other areas of our life too, we are all imperfect and we are all works in progress in many respects, and similar to the concept of 'grieving'--which can be applied to areas of loss beyond death--there are many healthy actions that can take a backseat when we are too busy and distracted by unrealistic responsibilities and expectations and false priorities, we are too busy to miss the obvious dysfunctional thoughts and behavior that can plague us when stressed to a state of giving up...
... a bit of what i wrote earlier in the first post today come into play when considering what Jesse schooled me on today's call... i think the concept here is that folks in the ctmu community understand that everyone has their own fighting to do, and that laziness encourages codependency and further entrapment, they expect people to do some hard work in regards to reading and contemplating, they don't take too kindly to laziness and warped sense of reality, hence the tough-love sort of cutting to the chase communication displayed from time to time... i'm beginning to get it now... i'm a bit of an encouragement type of person that will waste an unfortunate amount of hours trying to meet people where they are at, and to help and teach folks that are lazy and gave-up on fighting, and are in the per-contemplative to contemplative stages of change, that want easy simple shortcuts without putting in their own hard work, their own personal 'fight'... i had been stuck in that mindset for years, just give me the 'cheat-sheet', or outline, or just give me a pill that will allow me to keep myself subconsciously 'functional' so i can keep doing things 'my way' instead of getting a grasp on reality, what things trigger impulsive and retarded and insane behavior... instead of asking 'what is it about my lifestyle and the small bubble of reality that i forced myself into that requires change'... it may hurt some people's theology to read this, but god isn't always the answer... god is a big part of the answer, but it's just fvcking lazy to expect god to deliver us from every dysfunction that we carry through life without fighting on our behalf too, when we make the decision to follow god we are gifted 'fruits of the spirit', and self-control is the least favorite 'fruit' that insane or retarded or impaired and impulsive folks want to consider... just as we had to make conscious decisions to want to follow the words, actions, and behaviors of Jesus, we have to make conscious decisions to exercise the tools that he has provided us through his spirit...
... i may not be an actual addict, but my environment taught me how to give up on 'fighting the good fight', and society has embraced the concept of 'drinking away' the pain and things that we cannot fully understand that bothers us so... self-medicating to be able to function instead of embracing the suck and growing from trauma, and grief, and confusion, and improper thoughts/actions/behaviors, and misinformed priorities... but we find it easier to give-up fighting and re-adjusting our priorities and life-style and living the moment through the eyes of god instead of our own cloudy and poor vision...
... even for the wealthy there are no simple shortcuts in life, financially speaking there are some, but personal growth and development is the challenge that every human is faced with until our last dying breath, and the ultimate growth, which is a mutual relationship with god is everyone's good fight that others can only assist with, but we can't fight every fight for you, we have to make big-boy and big-girl decisions on our own... we have to be intentional in regards to our own destiny, and sobriety is required to do so, we each have our own genetic flaws as challenges, further impairment and self-retardation only makes the fight more difficult, if not impossible... actualizing our potential is minimized when we quit fighting for our lives, and freedom from darkness... god carries us and guides us during good times and bad times, and optimizing our time and energy can only be achieved when we awaken to reality and view our environment through the eyes of what many of us simply call 'god'. -- ct
12-12-21: well that was about as sh!tty of a night's sleep as a person with chronic insomnia should expect without therapeutic assistance... i think the mouse thing just after midnight sealed the deal... you'll have to pardon this post, i'm writing it at a level of consciousness between 'don't even try, go back to bed' and 'a six-pack of red bull ought to help' sort of scale.
i'm feeling for the folks that have been severely impacted by the weather over the past couple of days... if we could build a wall anywhere maybe it would be to keep canada's weather on their side of the border, Ha...sorry, that was some illogical humor... but according to greenies it's our own fault for the tornadoes, even the brandon-in-cheif was using this latest tragedy (using tragedies is just what they do) to sell their plan to eliminate dependence on fossil fuels and to put all of our dependence on electronics/technology to power our future... those stupid ignorant delusional folks forget about EMP weapons that any country with nukes can use to destroy electronics, not to mention foul and freezing temperatures... but again, these folks partner with china and russia to help control the USA herd and their political and philosophical and self-serving agendas, so why would anyone expect them to understand how vulnerable they are leaving this once beautiful country, i certainly don't expect much logic fro them... absence of cognition and logic is what i've come to expect from the dog and pony show which has become the dnc... those fvckers are really trying their best to sell 'america 2.0', but they call it 'build back better', was it brandon himself that came up with that slogan/phrase/product-name... probably, it's too fvcking stupid to even verbalize, never mind contain any fruitful policy beyond rewarding their donors and cronies and the chinese economy... i could go on for hours writing about their methods of manipulation and self-rewards, but it's sunday, and i'd like to keep my blood-pressure in the healthy range... BTW, little ann-tinny fauci has got to go... it's beyond obvious that he had a huge part in the research being conducted at the wuhan institute of virology and is doing his best to hide his actions and behaviors to save his face, and the face of our government that has no business conducting viral/biological manipulation for weaponization, that sort of sh1t had been frowned upon since the US and other nations used it so heavily in past wars, we are supposed to learn right from wrong in regards to our mistakes and sins of the past... but some folks never learn... people with gifted intelligence but little-to-no morality have no business doing the type of sh1t that is/was going on in wuhan, it's beyond shameful, it's the type of action and behavior that justifies god's wrath... god expects it's people to stand up to that sort of evil nonsense... there are many reasons/variables as to why bad things happen to good people, god's lazy and self-consumed people allowing bad people to continue doing bad things is certainly one of those variables... a world full of apathetic and castrated religious men that focus on building their own little kingdoms and self-indulgence has been the perfect storm for america, i can't speak to the rest of the world, but then again, in many respects america is a microcosm of the rest of the world, we are a melting-pot of every nation on this great earth, whether they be good or terribly misguided... i need a second cup of coffee already, pardon my abrupt departure. -- ct
12-12-21 later: a theme that's been floating around in my simple little noggin is something like this... understanding the gift of pain/suffering... i'm sure folks much smarter than i have already written volumes on the subject, but it became personal and real to me over the past two years, enough so that i need to write about it to satisfy my own sense of understanding... that's mostly what i do on/within this crummy website... you can find much more intelligent perspectives on just about everything that you'll find within the contents here, you just need to search more on your own... please remember my disclaimer, that i am not a professional anything, and i trust that the reader is wise enough to discern the baby through the bathwater, i expect that the reader is a big boy or a big girl that's capable of taking any of my thoughts or perspectives and using them as a starting point for your own research... many folks don't have the time or patience to do so, and you might find my writing style simple enough to gain some insight, good, but don't be lazy and trust that my words are absolute, i'm as imperfect as any other human... that's the end of my disclaimer... so here is the outline of 'pain as a gift'
* i suppose
that the source of understanding pain as a gift stems from reading more
on 'free will', while simultaneously under the direction of god's helping-hand/guidance
* god steering us in a better direction to reach a greater 'actualization
of our potential' (c. langan's words in the quotes there)* i think of the stubborn prophet Jonah, who required more than just a few words of encouragement to fulfill his mission
* i think of a man named Job, who experienced both physical and emotional distress, and who had lost
virtually
everything, only to connect closer to god in understanding
* i think of many bible 'stories', metaphors, analogies, and parables (also c. langan's words) which tell the tales of the suffering whose lives were interrupted and re-focused after such pain, loss, and suffering
physical pain: steers us in a new/different direction/path than we planned
emotional suffering: open's our eyes to a bigger picture of reality
... that's all for now, blessings. -- ct
12-11-21: today's date has a cool pattern... working on another survey/poll to put on Gab, the survey's aren't really collecting any information, they are more informative and humorous in some respects... i don't really get into to surveys and polls, but after i took a call from a pollster the other night it reminded me of the seeds/thoughts/narratives that surveyors employ... they can be effective manipulative tools when used properly, so anyways, i'm just screwing around with making some of them for now... here's the one for today, it's for the c-19 un-vaccinated folks to consider, it will be posted on Gab shortly:
- i'm a rebel that fights 'the man' every opportunity that i can
- i caught and beat the bug already, therefore i don't require laboratory created assistance, natural immunity rocks
- i've survived many germ exposures, have no comorbidities, careful what i touch in public places... natural selection rules the day
- i'm just not into allowing folks to inject experimental targeted gene manipulation serum into my body
yesterday was weird... lot's of folks circumstances to pray for (yet i seldom pray for myself)... there are folks that are missing, folks that are dying, folks that are overwhelmed, folks in real need, folks that need insight... well you get the picture. i need to read more scripture today, i've been consuming a ton of information from many sources lately, but not much scripture, actually that's not true, much of the info that i've been reading contains portions of scripture, but it's different when it's coming at you second or third source in small chunks, and not directly from the best book in the world... anyways, the sun is up now, so i'm getting the buttocks in gear... blessings. -- ct
12-11-21 later: holy-smokes, some folks got walloped by tornadoes overnight, more to contemplate and to pray. -- ct
12-11-21 later than before: i was tired like you wouldn't believe, went down for night, not quite to the point of drifting off to sleep, but then i heard the sound of a mouse trying to free itself from the glue-trap... that's the sixth one in just over a week... i'm pretty sure that i plugged up their entrance a couple of weeks ago, whether or not that was the only one left God only knows--for now--but those little suckers are no good living and roaming around the house freely... i could hear/tell that there was still one more, hopefully that was the one and only remaining one, time will tell, too bad those little suckers are so cute. the wind and rain are pretty substantial right now, nothing like the folks in the heartland and the lower east got, but the wind is howling in NH. done writing, time to get horizontal again. sleep well. -- ct
12-10-21: i'm working on a poll/survey... but this crappy website building platform sort of sucks, so once i figure it out i will add some additional content to this simple little website... wish me luck. -- ct
12-10-21 later: the big tree is almost down in the backyard, and the little one out front should be a quickie... i don't mind the noise today... it's not like the fvcking morons that race their cars and trucks and motorcycles up and down main street, you know, the one's that purposely make their methods of transportation and toys as noisy as they can know how and flip the finger to anyone that doesn't appreciate their peace-robbing noise-pollution, yeah, those fvckers really bother me, which is one of the reasons that we need to move away from this geography... anyhow, the tree guys are much more efficient than the crew that took two days to drop the big ash that used to be out front, they were the guys that the electric company hires to keep trees from wiping out the power lines, they are the reason why the power grid is more stable than it used to be, and also why our electric bill is obnoxiously high, it's not hard to connect the dots... the guys that get the financial windfall from the power company take/milk their sweet-ass time over two days to finish a task that this other company could safely do in one day... if you have ever worked for the government (at any level) you know how the system works... you have guaranteed income that won't increase or decrease no matter how well or quickly you finish your mission, so you drag-out the task for as long as you see fit... and then give it the old 'good enough for government work' when you half-assedly finished your assignment... after all it's the government's (or Unitil's) money, so why should it matter... well even though i am broke it matters to me because some of my limited income goes to the IRS, and a lot more of my limited income goes to the power company... anyways, the crew here today works like they mean it, and so far they managed to keep the nasty tree out back from crushing this old house...
... i'm researching and writing a few weird/unexpected things today, time will tell if they were worth the effort. -- ct
12-10-21 laterer: weird day today, read a string of social media posts that included legitimate questions, but were annoyingly antagonistic and distracting... the antagonist confronted a busy and respectable person on his own group, he must not have realized the implications of doing so in front of a group of folks that expect others to have done adequate research/preparation before being rude and confrontational, although i think some of the antagonist's points/questions were valid it was quite distracting nonetheless... but the antagonist believes that he's doing humanity a solid by his words and deeds, i get it... anyways, i wasn't expecting to read through so many posts and other related resources today... but i ask the reader to remember a man named Christopher (not me, another one) in your prayers, he's actually doing humanity a solid and seems to be a bit weary in some respects, he is bold and vocal and so he has a huge bullseye center-mass, and noggin alike... antagonists come in all sorts of variations and vocabularies and communication styles, some are more vile than others... some antagonists are thirsty for knowledge, others seem like time-consuming distractions, and others are vile to their core... i think the one from today was in the 'time-consuming' category, but he did ask some valid questions, so certainly on the thirsty for knowledge direction, but is sort of missing the big-picture while doing so... anyways, that was all time and energy that one does not reclaim, but still with some value... but maybe pray for me too, i didn't eat much today, and i ate the whole steak-bomb tonight, without intervention i ought to be seeing a bad-one tonight, i need to get up and move after that sub, Aceo's didn't fail in any respect. -- ct
12-10-21 laterer: weird day today, read a string of social media posts that included legitimate questions, but were annoyingly antagonistic and distracting... the antagonist confronted a busy and respectable person on his own group, he must not have realized the implications of doing so in front of a group of folks that expect others to have done adequate research/preparation before being rude and confrontational, although i think some of the antagonist's points/questions were valid it was quite distracting nonetheless... but the antagonist believes that he's doing humanity a solid by his words and deeds, i get it... anyways, i wasn't expecting to read through so many posts and other related resources today... but i ask the reader to remember a man named Christopher (not me, another one) in your prayers, he's actually doing humanity a solid and seems to be a bit weary in some respects, he is bold and vocal and so he has a huge bullseye center-mass, and noggin alike... antagonists come in all sorts of variations and vocabularies and communication styles, some are more vile than others... some antagonists are thirsty for knowledge, others seem like time-consuming distractions, and others are vile to their core... i think the one from today was in the 'time-consuming' category, but he did ask some valid questions, so certainly on the thirsty for knowledge direction, but is sort of missing the big-picture while doing so... anyways, that was all time and energy that one does not reclaim, but still with some value... but maybe pray for me too, i didn't eat much today, and i ate the whole steak-bomb tonight, without intervention i ought to be seeing a bad-one tonight, i need to get up and move after that sub, Aceo's didn't fail in any respect. -- ct
12-10-21 more later: please consider praying for a man named Sam, his whereabouts are unknown to folks that care about him... thank you. -- ct
12-09-21: after a few crummy night's that contained a bit of sleeping, i think i got close to seven hours worth lastnight, hopefully that equates to more strength and endurance today as i go through the chores... i don't think that finishing the leaf disposal is in today's plan's, the low chance of rain or snow turned into a snowy-ice coating on everything outside, it was the first time that i heard the municipal-sponsored trucks out and about, there isn't enough snow/ice cover to really consider shoveling or plowing, but the scattering of ice melt has begun and is appreciated in order to conduct my transportation responsibilities today, i think i have five separate trips to conduct. i haven't checked the mouse traps this morning, i really don't like killing little critters, i'd rather spend my energy going after larger beasts that provide healthy protein and fat, you know, the big critters that out in nature, not the tiny indoor critters spreading toxins that cause respiratory distress and leave rice sized turds wherever they stop long enough to do so, but they are so darn cute nonetheless, which is why i don't like dispatching them, their big eyes trying to figure out why a 165 lb human is softly rubbing their little heads and talking nicely to them, 'is he going to eat me or domesticate me' must be the furry little question... the answer is neither, their heads get crushed with a small but heavy rock outside of the door... i suppose that i could try to do a catch-and-release type of trap and bring them to the wood line where they will have to navigate smaller predators, such as the feral feline behind the neighbor's barn, the owls and hawks and several other species as well, but no, they get stuck to the glue pretty darn well, and as good as gonners once they are spotted... there is at least one other mouse in this house, and it's days are numbered, hopefully i can get to it before it gives birth to a whole family of critters...
...i've completed one trip thus far today, the snow and ice mixture isn't very bad today, so transportation isn't very nasty despite the visible white stuff... the chili and burrito was a hardy breakfast, the coffee and the hermit bar/cookie added to the caloric delight, that stuff needs to power me through the day, whether it be physical outdoor work, or cleaning and organizing the indoors... the flushing of my sinuses makes the indoor work more appealing as i don't care for handkerchiefs and haven't mastered the snot-rocket enough to keep it off of myself... i'm not convinced that it might be internal irritants causing the runny-nose and sneezing and occasional coughing, the covid self test says that i don't have the chinese communist party's virus, but it doesn't mean that i don't have another germ, or that there aren't more mold spores in the house, but flushing with water and other hydrating beverages certainly helps... to answer a couple of questions... 'no' i did not take any jabs, and 'no' i will not be wearing a mask everywhere i go, i'm a citizen of the free united states of america, so of course not, but i don't go coughing or sneezing into the open air around people, and i'm careful about what i touch in public, washing hands and regular hygienic measures are also decent deterrents from introducing nasty germs into the human body...
... some folks have a really hard time with my most comfortable writing style, i just try to dump thoughts out of my head without giving too much attention to grammar and punctuation, but there are enough regular readers that it doesn't bother everyone. i would call my blogging style something between creative writing, business communication, low/limited vocabulary, and understanding how to communicate with most everyday regular people. i took creative writing in my last year of american high school, which was the first year that i was introduced to collegiate psychology, those two things don't always blend together very well, in fact, not at all... then in the Army i learned to write short and direct as to complete after-actions report... then while preparing for college i consumed more scientific publications and television... then i learned the writing style of old king james... then i was introduced to business sort of sentence structure, which is more like military... then i learned to write to computers in some of the languages that they speak... then i learned more legal-ese, which is similar to old king james... then i learned to write for younger adults where english was their second language, and some of them their primary language wasn't strong to begin with, that's when you must use as simple and generic words as possible, and many times usinf other communication methods such as hand gestures and pointing and acting, such as with varying lengths, volumes, and frequencies of our voices and displaying emotions; like i said, acting... i would say that i learned to speak and write in many languages, but almost all of those languages were based on various levels of the english vocabulary with hints of older and newer languages mixed in... maybe none of this is relevant to the reader, but it offers a bit of perspective when folks ask themselves if a fifty-two year-old men really writes like this... why 'yes', some of us do, and that's based on measurable iq, other genetic factors, and mostly environmental variables... in some sense we are mocking-birds, or 'parrots' that repeat what we hear as we observe and interpret our the environments which we have been exposed to, and we use our god-given resources and assets to communicate what we understand, and the way that we understand it... so to the reader that comes back with any sort of regularity, i'm glad that some folks understand what i write looking past the filter of structured languages and their accompanying punctuation and grammar rules, i don't write in any specific style to persuade or impress the reader, and sometimes i hate certain rules, so when i blog i write by my own rules... and good for you, you are probably smart and discerning if you can look past the cloudy bath-water to get to the baby... and then however hideous or precious the baby is once you find it requires further intelligence and discernment, which simply means that you can be the judge of whether or not my writing style and vocabulary makes sense... until i learn a more uniform and efficient language this is what i am stuck with, thanks if you appreciate it at all...
... i've now got four drives completed today, an unexpected one snuck in, so i think i still have two more to go... i've got a kitchen from hell to wrestle with once this writing break is over, we do great at creating the messes around here, but not so hot at alleviating them... some of those dishes are somewhere between daunting and frightening, no embellishing for effect, like fvcking scary... so wish me luck and efficiency... i'm off to conquer some dishes, but i'd rather be slaying a predatory giant. -- ct
12-09-21 later: hilarious, linked-in is still sending me email after i closed the account over a week ago, nine searches this week for me, too funny... those nine searchers can easily find me here if they care to read anything else about me or my perspectives, otherwise i knew linkedin was a waste of my time... one antagonist there was upset with my perspectives regarding the communist dnc cult and told me that folks on that platform were there just trying to make money, so what was my problem... well my problem is that my identity isn't wrapped-up in a 'career', i hope to work until the day that i drop dead, but my ego does not require the hunger for money that i once had, i need it for bills and for some land to dwell, but i don't require a kingdom to build... i didn't give any notice to networked friends and associates, i just shut the account down, so nine people can find my crummy writings on this website if they want to, i won't even steal and sell your information like every large platform does, and i don't even use advertising distractions or trans-human propaganda getting in our way... anyways, best regards linkedin. -- ct
12-08-21: so the count is now four ... four caught/dispatched mice in five days... i left one of the food sources where it was and set another trap there after hearing some noise in the area, less than an hour later there was another cute little rodent with big eyes, stucker than ten sons-a-bitches on a glue trap, desperately trying to free its big-whiskered self... it's gone... and another new trap in it's place... you keep coming and i'll keep dispatching them, don't make me take out a gun, i'm much more proficient with a straight-shooting firearm than i am trapping, in fact twenty-two caliber bullets are less expensive than glue traps, although i don't think the family would appreciate me hunting indoors at three:am with a noisy twenty-two... i guess the traps are fine for now, but we are running a bit low on the adhesive-ammo... and unfortunately, somewhere there is an owl looking for it's supper, which i just whacked over the head with a rock about fifteen minutes ago. another shitty night's sleep under my belt, but i was awake before my son and his platoon probably, they usually get up at four:hundred, and i was setting a second trap at that point. i don't want to read right now, even though i have a good opportunity to do so about now, no input, just output at the moment, maybe i'll work on one of the books or another writing project for a bit... son of a bitch... i just heard another mouse, this one is in the basement, it's not where i left the trap, but maybe it will find the gluey sheet of death soon enough, dang critters... they make/sell these tiny little shotgun-shells sort of twenty-two's that would be great for mice hunting, too bad they are so loud, but i think i have more of those than i do glue-traps at this point. today's list of chores offers plenty of time to get outside and move some leaves around, it's supposed to be dry and sunny and cool today, i'll have to make use of the decent weather, snow is in the forecast in the near future, and better to have the leaves dealt with before the snow-fall... anyways, i'm going to work on another project now that i'm sufficiently awake. -- ct
12-08-21 later: the fifth mouse is now history... a family of five hosting another family of five (or more)... i thought i heard another one later in the morning too. hunting tiny rodents isn't very rewarding, they yield very little meat... too bad we weren't dealing with a deer infestation, we'd be feeding the community by now... why do the mice have to look so darn cute though. -- ct
12-08-21 more later: there must be millions of leaves in the yard... after a bit of raking and kicking and blowing they are all set-up for tomorrow's hauling/dragging to the woods, all fifteen million and seventy-nine of them, tomorrow they are gone... i'll be shaking the ticks off by the end of the day. working on the son's room today too, the new mattress arrived and is expanding on his bed, and the last of the clothes are being dealt with now... he will appreciate the new mattress the next time he's home, but he will be even more appreciative that i whacked all of the mice by the time he's back, he does Not like seeing or hearing the little suckers running about... we've got five mice down this season, and i heard at least one more, it's days are numbered, i might get the little BB-gun loaded, the glue traps are effective, but they don't keep the pistol muscle-memory sharp. -- ct
12-07-21 later: today was a blur, the chili came out good, it needed a bit more tang, but everyone seems to be happy with it, it starts out sweet, then the flavor profile and medium heat kick in... i wish i could text you one of the jars of it, you'd like it... we give some big canning-jars full to friends, they will like this batch, it's more stewy-thick than the last batch... in this hemisphere/latitude it gets cold enough that 'comfort food' like chili is appreciated, we are expecting that food preservation--such as canning and other vacuum and freezing methods--will be more relevant to next chapter in life, we want to life as self-reliant on food, water, shelter as we are capable of, so the further away we are from convenient and grocery stores, and the more food we can raise/grow/hunt/fish, and any donating and trading that we can do with locals, well, there will be plenty of canning and other food preserving methods, and water storage, and whether we start with a home to live in, or just find enough affordable land that has clean natural resources and a safe location to build... time will tell... i have a feeling that i will miss the people that we've interacted with on regular basis, but fresh seafood as well... i lived in colorado for a few years, and i missed the ocean and humidity of the northeast USA on many occasions, and when i moved back i missed pike's peek, gorgeous geography and wildlife, and clean air (albeit quite thin with the oxygen), so maybe the saying that 'the grass is always greener' holds true to substantial moves... wherever we end up we need to utilize our knowledge and labor and land to support ourselves as much as possible, it's one thing to be rich enough to pay merchants for a nutritional diet, and it's another thing to be the direct source of the food that you consume, we can't be afraid of using our knowledge and labor for direct needs, sitting behind a computer and a phone all day isn't as rewarding as it once seemed... i thought forty acres was the target size land to look for, but a land-owner that actually uses his land for farming says that five acres is probably plenty for family-sized farming and homesteading... so if i were a goal-setter i would find out how much money for five acres of safe fertile resource-rich land that can sustain a small family, and then i would work and save toward that goal... maybe i'll do just that, but we really don't know exactly where to go yet, we have extended family that lives in tornado alley, and their states aren't blue-run, but the country seems to be going to pieces pretty quickly, and every state seems to be in dynamic flux, so maybe we wait a bit longer before we make any big decisions... anyhow, we are still in the process of thinning-out possessions that no longer make sense, and reorganizing, and cleaning this current old house, we just filled a fifteen yard dumpster, and that was a good start, but there is so much more that we don't need for the lifestyle that we have embraced, we aren't the type of folks that wish to live in a museum-like show-room sort of gallery, so my tools to work the ground, and the tools to build and maintain structures are good starting points... here's a question to the reader, what if american power infrastructure was brought down, and that including communications/internet, and possibly little fuel to power what we have that still works... would you be able to live like the 'little house on the prairie' folks did... my wife loves that show from her childhood, and i appreciate the realistic hard work that the folks had to do to live sustaining and simple and realistic lifestyles... would you know how to live under such conditions if tomorrow's conditions offered similar tools and resources as the old-timers living off of nature... maybe you will never have to, and maybe i never will, but i think that the closer to living off of the land from the things that nature has already provided, fertile land and some animals and some sweat and occasional blood... i was born and raised a city boy but convinced that i belonged in the country, i'm too easily distracted by the chaotic audio-visual stimuli of urban-istan, which is just over the boarder of urbania, i would have done better to use my god-given talents and energy for actual useful work that actually sustains life... anyways... colorado... i loved colorado, why didn't i ever go back, there weren't any outstanding warrants or anything... hmm, weird... OK, sleepiness is setting-in, so i'm signing-off, g'nite mate. -- ct
12-06-21 exceedingly early: i was super tired when i fell asleep, but woke up four hours later, so it's 'wicked early' as we used to say back in the greater boston area in my teens and twenties. OK, i think i have a better direction--or maybe it's just a temporary 'seasonal' thing--but instead of just unloading on the communists that are pretty close to bringing about america 2.0, and venting on them with brutally harsh honesty... well, i think i'm just going to focus on the manipulative narrative and distractions they exhibit, or i guess the better term would be to highlight the different forms of manipulation that they use when they communicate. maybe it will let me narrow my writing 'range' down to my real interest, which is exercising the good-old 'manure meter', in some respects. i'm not a certified professional anything, which is always my official disclaimer; but behavioral psychology, and how folks communicate their actions and behaviors or words and deeds... what you say, versus what you do, and why you do what you do, and how you pitch/sell your narrative, or how transparent you are with your actions and reasoning behind your actions is pretty fascinating... then, when you have most of those things answered through the gift of looking back in time, aka. 'hindsight', you can close the loop by predicting future actions and behaviors.. or, i simplified it earlier by wording it 'which manipulation methods' are being utilized through communication... i can be a pretty funny guy, a real clown, the 'jester' to a point, i can do impersonations pretty well, i pick up on accents particularly well, i can act like almost anything that i want to act like, i can be entertaining, much of that is how i interpreted my environment in different stages of development, it's just communicating perceptions in ways that are humorous, i prefer to be light-hearted, and to appreciate simple things about simple tasks, especially when there is hardwork to be done; but when i have time to expand my environment and consider other important things that being done simultaneously, and how those other important simultaneous things impact my peers and smaller environments--well, it's then that i get more focused on analyzing/discerning public-figures through their forms of communication, and it's fvcking important to know what policy-makers are doing and how it impacts people and our various geographies and various levels of government... and when you realize how important of a responsibility it is to make public policy and consider the manipulative and the compromised and the deviant-personalities of some of our policy-makers, and how they express/exhibit their deviancies through their communication, actions, and reactions... when deviant behavior/personalities are covering-up motives/true-intentions through manipulative communication it's worth mentioning, because it can be a good indicator/predictor of future actions and behaviors of deviant/compromised, and the important policies and measures they enact and the laws that they draft and vote on. not everyone in public office is a deviant personality that exhibits the behavioral flaws of a two year old, and some law-makers are respectful and try to do good by their fellow citizens, until they are conned
or pressured
by their colleagues, or by their 'influencers', or other networks, or until they use their positions for personal and greedy endeavors usually at other people's expense. so keeping a bit of a pulse on current events and how policy-makers at all levels of government (whether they be elected or appointed), how those folks re-act is a part of what drives political journalists, and that's one of my self-appointed titles of this crummy little website, it's been a hobby of mine for years, but it doesn't really come out of me a whole lot until i have more time on my hands than usual... i've been unemployed, and occasionally self-employed, since the start of covid policies and reactions, and having the displeasure and luxury of observing/consuming poilcy-makers and their networks of influencers was terrifying to some degree over the past few years, and i say the 'past few years' because observing the actions and listening to the words of the networked policy-makers leading up to the 2020 election, and how horribly the DNC and their networked associates manipulated fear and despair and panic and outrage... you can only imprison the public except for 'essential workers' in their own homes or homeless shelters for so long before you start triggering emotional stability and deviant behavior... most people cannot handle being imprisoned very long, and isolation tactics have been utilized as emotional torture or 'behavioral therapy' as some would like to call it... watching how shameful policy-makers use words of emotional manipulation for deviant exhibitions of power/control lust through reactions to a virus with a one-percent pathology rate was as eye-opening of a season if there ever was one... lot's of people catch the bug, many folks get mild symptoms, some folks get bad symptoms, and some folks even died as a result of their body's reaction to the bug, but policy-makers reactions/over-reactions were quite revealing... it's difficult to be a leader in times of dynamic and stressful events/times, and the healthcare system was over-burdened in highly populated geographies for a bit sure enough, but that's where the burden of the stress should have been, with the specialists that work in the industry most effected by a disaster of some sort, you don't have to shut the world down to effect everyone else's lives as the primary way to assist the stressed healthcare systems and professionals. but 'capitalizing' on stressful situations is what democrats pride themselves with, and natural disasters and biological methods of warfare are great for opportunists of every political or non-political persuasion... covid-19 has become a boondoggle for opportunists from all walks of life already, from corrupt politicians to inventors and innovators, all the way down to the mask and sanitizer merchants... so there is much to consider during the days and weeks ahead as i write, but i think i'm just going to focus on pointing out the manipulation tactics used by certain influencers and policy-makers, i think if i keep to that formula it will be a bit less stressful... i'll probably write papers instead of quick posts when i observe certain trends... maybe that's the way to do it going forward, we'll see, anxiety-level, blood-pressure, and grumpiness are part of the equation... but then again, writing about the things that are bugging me is one of the therapeuticbenefits of this simple-little website... but time will tell... and now time is telling me that i need to start waking up family members... i've stretched-out writing this post over three and a half hours now, with some breaks for prayer/meditation, water, coffee, dispatching a mouse that was stuck in a trap... well, you get the idea, i haven't just been writing for over three hours, i've been multi-tasking, as the busy employed folks say... ok, time to wake the youngest now. -- ct
12-06-21 later: we nabbed a second mouse this morning, time will reveal whether there are anymore intruders, but three rodents in three days is typical for late fall/early winter months... the critters are cute, but looks musn't be deceiving, those critters piss and crap anywhere and everywhere, host tics and other tiny little dangers, and they really screw with an insomniac's good night sleep... i let them be when they are outside, but enter the home and we have big problems, no matter how big or small the pest... i'm put'n together my reading list from 2021, most of my reading was from online sources, but while making room for a christmas tree i uncovered most of the books that i consumed throughout the year, i'll post that in the near future...gotta go pick the wife up form work now... peace. -- ct
12-06-21 a bit more later: got another mouse since the fist post today, those suckers are crazy cute, their big eyes and ears and non-aggressive behavior almost makes a guy want to domesticate them, but no, no-No-NO-No-no, they have been quickly and humanely dispatched, somewhere there is a hawk or an owl or a snake or another predator that is missing three potential meals, other than that those cute little critters scare the crap out of the ladies in my life, and they crap all over the place, like the fake snow batting that i pulled out of storage today to go with some christmas decorating, that big white matting was beyond gross an induced some coughing by the time i got it out of the house, nasty little critters, but they are cute when they don't scare the crap out of the humans... here's part of this year's reading list:
Bush Craft 101... Canterbury gives a ton of practical outdoor skills, it's a great accumulation of important things that only a tiny percentage of america's population could , it's all good stuff, but don't confuse 'bushcraft', or 'survival skills' with surviving outdoors while being stalked/hunted, evasion with limited resources is better covered in military manuals, but most military manuals only touch on subjects covered in Dave's book.
What a Plant Knows... Chamovitz writes with a style that draws my attention and simplifies technical concepts for simple folks like me, vegetation's reaction to various stimuli is helpful for a newer hobby botanist.
Meta religion as the Human Singularity... C M Langan is an exceedingly
high-level thinker whose primary audience are other very high-level
thinkerers, he speaks their language, and does his part to point them to the reality of God, who is the Ulitmate Reality, the presentation that he gave to the Foundations of the Mind (a group which i have no business contemplating any association with) in October of 2017 seemed to me to be a cry to humanity in some respects, this publication was the first c langan paper that i've consumed. i will re-read this one in the future after i exercise my brain a bit more.
Introduction to Quantum Metamechanics... Langan... i don't know why i even tried this one, other than it was just a curiosity, i'll re-read it when i can give it more attention and there is less of a wish-list of other publications piling up...
but it doesn't take too many variations of IQ before you loose a guy
like me, it's just how it works, and i have zero background in Quantum anything, so i started the short book with a bit of a disadvantage
The Art of Knowing... Langan tackles Newcomb's Paradox through some entertaining and informative parables, it begins with a big chin and a predictor named Nukem (how is that not funny), well you'll have to read it yourself to see what i mean, i was drawn to this publication by the topic of 'free will', it's not as heady as some of langan's other works so my brain didn't hurt after consuming, but free will is a huge consideration, especially to the person that wishes to do something constructive with their potential, the gift of free will combined with the individual potential that we posses should give the meta-cognitive reader some inspiration and purpose if those things were lacking, anyway, just buy it and read it
... to be continued -- ct
12-05-21: somehow managed to strain a few tendons in my foot and ankle last night... brilliant... all i did was to walk-up one flight of stairs, and then back down the same flight, and an hour later i was hobbling around like a pirate of old on a round wooden prosthetic... if this is part of getting older... anyways, it's about 50 percent better this morning, but still tender, i need to give it some support if i am going to be the least bit productive today, i might be wearing my work-boots in the house, and not kicked-off at the door. my haircut is adequate, it's a bit cool outside for this 'style', but it sure feels good washing and drying it. i think we are setting up a christmas tree today, which means that cleaning and organizing the living-room is now priority, it should have been prioritized months ago, but now it seems that an annual tradition forces us to finally get a move on it, we'll have to take a picture and send it to the boy today, he might appreciate a picture from home to look at for a moment or two during his first christmas away from home, the marines will probably keep him too busy to be homesick, so he might still appreciate a picture and another letter from home. there were some great posts from ctmu folks regarding cult and cult-like totalitarian organizations over the past few days, and now there is another book that i have added to my wishlist: 'Terror, Love and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems'... i have a dozen or so books in my list, but this one seems relevant when looking at how DNC and their socialist and communist associates are moving the depraved minds and the urban herd in any direction that their bosses/campaign-contributors instruct, so i'll probably put this read on top of the list for now... playing to fear of climate catastrophe and C-19 worse-case scenarios are just a couple of recent examples... i really don't think that democrat voters realize that they had become communists themselves already, the folks at the top and in office and their preferred slimy law-firms know as much, but the end-users/voters don't necessarily understand it yet, i think it goes something like this:
bottom-level voting block: wants everything possible that the government is willing to give them, they assume that it's free money, but they don't realize the actual cost of government provisions, basically their freedom and ability to become contributing members of society, not just remaining as 'takers'... government becomes the fentanyl-pushers, the end-user takes the pill and fades back into la-la land where the financial drug allows them to remain in sub-conscious unless meta-intervention enables them to assimilate into freedom-filled and otherwise sustaining lifestyles based on the natural resources that american geography provides... activists at this level
low to mid-level voting block: they were raised and educated by democrat families and learning facilities, they might have even sought further education in secular academic institutions which teach social acceptance and PC-respect as pillars of life, even when those pillars are at the expense of religious considerations, most of these folks that identify with a particular religious system are nominal observers at best, they have completed a collegiate-level of education so they assume that they are smarter than most folks because of what they have learned so far, even if much of what they learned is counter american and complete shit taught by smart but unbalanced folks whose tenurship protects keeps their flaws and employment from internal and external interference's alike... activists at this level are still part of the herd, but over time they become followers of the marxist cult, everything that their team-members and upper class-men write or speak is gold, and irrefutable, thus their cult-member status, their ends justify their means, and words and actions/deeds are allowed no matter how insane and instigating they may be, as long as the end result fit's into their leaders acceptance then it's 'all good'... meta-intervention is still a hope and a possibility for folks at this level of dnc voters, but becomes decreasingly so the more they are subjected to the hate-filled noise pollution of their team-members
mid to upper-level voting block: these folks are the upper class-men, the high-level strategists, the scum of the scum, they control most of the two lower-levels of the herd, you have your Ph.D's and emirates from various universities and institutes/think-tanks, your 'powerful' law firms, your rich-ass very influential old-money types, or otherwise heavily connected deviants including your techie billionaires, etc... i grew up around boston, so i think of folks like john kerry as an easy example, or the clintons, lincoln project folks... well, you know the folks who belong to this class... these folks have almost zero-chance of any sort of repentance, they 'deserve' what they have, and the little people deserve what we allow them to have, afterall, they pay the highest percent of income tax so they get to control the herds and make the rules, these folks don't want a constitutional republic, they want what they want, and will do whatever their creative and depraved minds conceive to accomplish their goals and hobbies and grow their wealth and influence and control as best that they know how, which is using other people which are deemed less deserving, some of them employ lot's of less deserving folks, so they think that makes-up for their obscenely large collection of resources/possessions, i've been around some of these types on more than one occassion and i'd rather hang-out and drink some cheap-ass malt beverage with folks from the lower-level voting block... there are more sociopaths and narcissists in this voting block than the others, they typically demand respect and their word/decisions as final... they think they control everything, except their are always folks with empires than run deeper than theirs, and control much more than some of the knuckleheads from this voting block can imagine, these folks are still on a bit of a leash from the bill gates types, although john kerry might be pretty close now that i think of it.
Royalty and otherwise disgustingly rich: these folks don't need state-sponsors, because they sponsor nations...
Now bear in mind that i am only writing about the dnc cult, i have been a part of the republican cult for many years now, so it's hard for me to give much consideration... but after observing the words actions/deeds from many republican law-makers and associates over the past year i am re-registering as an independent, i can say that i have been more on the independent edge of republicans for many years now, but i have to re-register every time that i vote if i want to vote for a republican, so i lazily changed affiliation to republican since there aren't many independents whose views i appreciate. but there are enough republicans that have really fvcked certain things up lately that i need to change my official affiliation, i am an independent-conservative that typically votes republican. i'll pick back up on this post later today, but i need to move my arse in gear now, so... to be continued... -- ct
12-04-21: not really sure what today beholds, but at least wife and most of our kids are home and will be somewhat present. i read a post online from a mom of a new marine, it was christian principled through and through and really spoke to emotions, the sorts that one might expect from a mother of a child that chose a dangerous profession. some folks get all that they need to get out of a bible/scripture, i require a bit more, without the sciences and other humans that are smarter than me explaining concepts and truths of the world as a larger picture i might be in a much worse place in time. as i read the marine-mom's post it got me thinking along the lines of the work published by elisabeth kubler-ross, and continued by david kessler... their work speaks to emotional turmoil and thought pattern that i might also call 'human nature' that folks who are 'grieving loss/death' typically experience... you can't look at their papers/books and assume that there is a one-sized-fits-all reaction to loss, or--in the case of kubler-ross--the understanding that one's own death is in the near future/imminent, people are different but similar, and everyone perceives/interprets life and experiences differently, there are some X and Y chromosome/hormonal differences no doubt, however, under the gift of transparency most folks miss others when they aren't around us regularly anymore, whether it be through death or separation... the concept of grief was introduced to me through a counselor of sorts, i'm a ptsd sort of veteran that hasn't been through all of the horrors of war, but enough of them that the government labels me as thirty-percent defective due to psychological and physiological considerations, genetic and environmental factors are key ingredients of the 'secret-sauce' that make-up our ego and responses to experiential and other triggers... as a few heapings of life's manure begins to stack-up--the stress level and blood-pressure might slowly creep-up, like the example of the slow boil surrounding the frog in it's kill-pot... then freeze/fight/flight reactions/responses kick-in, sometimes before the water is terribly hot, but more typically when i am out of understandable/conceivable options, and my back is against the wall, and the steam/evaporation of the water is severely skewing vision... i don't want to tell you the sorts of thoughts that i had going through my mind when the electric company told me that they were sending out someone the next day to shut-off our power (which was during a heat-wave and would have rendered our a/c units useless), the poor fellow that they were going to send to do the dirty work was certainly going to be a victim of some sort, it just depended on my creativity, i should say that i can construct an ied out of simple household items, and i can give most folks a run for their money in various forms of combat, but after i had some shitty experiences with the veterans-admin healthcare system upon my discharge i had put nearly all of my military knowledge and training and experience in the rear-view mirror, and i thought that i had forgotten them all... eventually i had a re-introduction to god that was a bit more thorough than childhood experiences through a local church, and i had no reason to consider the training of my youth for ill-purposes, and i was effectively emasculated through peace-at-all-cost mentality, social P.C., and just plain being nice... and just as the frog doesn't realize that the water is becoming dangerously hot, the priority and understanding of god had slowly drifted away, and as chronic insomnia took it's hold on me, well that's when life took a nasty turn for the worse, stress and anxiety and depression became the new normal, and i learned to become a decent actor, hiding what seemed to be shameful weaknesses and deficiencies, and just living life in the sub-conscious survival-mode... eventually i was fired from a job of twelve years, lost health insurance, and once again fell-back on the v.a. hospitals for health care... the doctors tried to 'compassionately' treat some of my nastier symptoms with laboratory-derived molecules--actually compounds--which helped in some respects, but also came with their own limitations and side-effects... after an exhausting twenty years or so later i had an electrician on his way to disconnect our electricity and i was having none of that, but without instantaneous money or clear direction i had assumed that violence was my only course of action... i will say that i took a better course of action, i reached out to the veteran's crisis line instead of constructing an effective tool for the displeasure of the power company's representative, or just beating his ass when he showed-up... i understood deep in my heart that less destructive measures would be more prudent than compulsive reactions, or 'over-reactions'... the power stayed on, a couple of organizations helped with some direction as they could, and some covid-relief benefits through irs (you, the tax-payer) eventually arrived, and certain things got a bit easier, but really, it was the combination of weening myself off of v.a. provided drugs in combination of speaking regularly with a trained therapist over the phone for a few months, as well as a re-prioritization of the very giver of life were all instrumental in sorting through the mess that i had made of my life. Free-will allowed me to make good and bad decisions as life took it's toll, but god's mercy and guidance brought me back to a better path where i could see more clearly and understood more about myself, worthy priorities that didn't involve ego... so now back to grieving, the guy/therapist from the VetCenter introduced me to the concept of grief, impacted grief, grief in ptsd, and the name 'Kubler-Ross', her findings were considered the 'gold standard' for such a topic, and so i ate it up, i consumed much of the information that the web provided regarding grief/loss... i've also consumed a bunch of information regarding genetic dispositions and environmental stressors/triggers... the DNC and their communist associates had been utilizing all sorts of triggering and distracting techniques against the american public during covid-related measures and carefully contrived messaging, that was a bonus to learn of emotional manipulation through various types of control when the sky appears to be falling, learning their evil techniques was icing on the cake in my 'recovery', if you want to call it that... but back to the Marine-mom whose post that i read, her post was 'religious' in nature, and i was tempted to contribute some lessons learned from Kubler-Ross/Kessler, instead i opened the laptop and began to write this post of my own... people react differently to loosing control, and loss of life can be as severe of a reaction as one could expect, but identifying a source--or 'type' of loss can do wonders for one's soul... Kenny Chesney recorded a song the last couple of years, it's called 'Better Boat'... that song comes to mind, as do the cries of the many Psalmist's hearts... god hears it all, and responds, sometimes we even notice it... i don't know what today beholds, but family is awake and downstairs now, so i'm shifting my energy and attention to other priorities... g'day mate. -- ct
12-04-21 later: the folks whose conf-call that i wanted to attend were considerate enough to allow me to join-in, despite yesterday's forgetfulness to complete a deadlined task, good for me... because i think i require their help and wisdom in many respects, they probably understand that as well, that's an assumption given the nature of their life's work... i don't have much to contribute to their group as a whole, so i'm mostly a quiet observer, like a 'speak only when spoken too' sort of shyness/respect, i'm sure that the shyness will wear-off in due time, but glad that today is still a 'go'... now i hear a strange noise in or around the house that has my attention, gotta go. -- ct
12-04-21 more later: i haven't found the source of the noise from earlier today, but all is well. the conf call was interesting, it ended quite differently than i was expecting, but it was interesting nonetheless. the family got home right after the call started and they needed my muscle for a bit, funny timing... the house is pretty quiet now, we are expecting a little bit of snow any minute now, my preference would be mid-sixties with fifty percent humidity, but no one asked me what type of weather i would prefer... snow... good grief. well, it's time for a haircut and a shower now, wish me luck, my eye-sight isn't what it used to be, but most of the hair grows back regardless. -- ct
12-03-21: we caught a mouse in the house in a couple of days ago, and hopes were that we were rid of them, maaaan was i wrong, i can hear one now trying to chew it's way through something hard, it's like the cute furry little rodent is sharpening it's tiny little teeth on the old wood that's still holding this old house together, cute little prey... somewhere there is a hawk looking for a quick breakfast, and i've got it's menu gnawing it's way somewhere around the living room. yesterday's fast wasn't quite what i had intended, so i'm stretching it a bit more, we'll see how it goes, but i had a headache and was pretty exhausted yesterday despite my lack of physical output, i don't think i have anything other than my typical m-f transportation provisions/responsibilities. i think i'm just working on laundry and dishes today, along with tidying-up the kitchen, but god has been good, and working in the company of his presence ought to be more attainable than some days, time will tell. i might join in a conf call this weekend, it's with folks that i don't really know, but they seem to love and prioritize the reality of god, and that's a first good step to beginning to understand other people's intentions, and why they do what they do, but when folks state their fondness of god, and have all of the brains that a person could want, and still live a humble and sustainable lifestyle they gain more respect and even trust than the average-joe/chris, the only reason that the 'average chris' part is remotely humorous is that i am as average/medium as most folks can get, average height, target zone for weight, even shoe-size, iq, and education-level... nothing remarkable about me, i'm your average 'everyday' chris (or Joe if we use the term correctly)... one interesting thing about a couple that's a part of that group, is that they actually live more of the type of lifestyle that i hope to realize over the next couple of years, they grow and raise their own sources of food, on a parcel of land that's in the middle of the country, and they live a life of labor and toil to survive, as well as other projects that serve both god and fellow-man, that's a description of the sort of people that i admire the most these days, it show's me that they are more cognitive of actual priorities, they aren't folks that are chasing/searching for material goods to fill-up as many homes as they can acquire while tooting their own horn/achievements to anyone in their presence, you can keep that type of lifestyle for the self-gods that spend their time and energy into building their own kingdoms, folly of follies, as they say. so anyways, i might sit in on a call with them over the weekend, and see what i can learn, and see if i can possibly be useful in part of the group's endeavors, serving man is one of my motivators, so i enjoy helping in worthy causes when possible. well it's about time to get moving, the rest of the family's alarm clocks will be sounding any minute, and i want to enjoy a few more quiet moments with god before i get to moving/business. -- ct
12-03-21 later: two rides done, four to go, hopefully i won't feel the need for anymore coffee today... today is liquids only, i've already got the chicken broth with some tabasco sauce in the mug, it's hitting the spot on this blustery morning, the wind is picking-up pretty good, it's drier and sunnier than yesterday, but it might not be an ideal day for the arborists to remove the trees that are scheduled to come down, i wouldn't want to be up fifty-feet with a chain saw on a day like today, but maybe for the professional it's just a part of life... nice, my plans just changed, i have two-less rides to provide today, so it would be more accurate to say 'two down, and two to go'... sweeeet... maybe i'll try to fit in a haircut with my extra time, it's getting annoying over my ears and neck, and the beard growth needs some taming as well, that's getting annoying all over... shave and a haircut, two-bits... actually they have both been paid for on the day that i purchased the electric clippers, but that reality doesn't fit into the old song, or is it a cliche, whatever... the extra growth is more wild than i appreciate, so i will do something about it. the house clean-up project is going slow and steady, filling the dumpster over the past few weeks was good/progress, but the cleaning/dusting/re-organizing is slow and painful, and full of sneezes, wheezes and congestion... i've removed several sources of mold already, but there is more to discover and eradicate, i'm not going to the extent of pulling up the floor-boards to expose the crawl-space, but i'll go after it every where else that i can find it, the next home should be drier than we currently have, and not require five air conditioners and a couple of dehumidifiers to keep it that way, raised construction over a poured slab is what i hope for, time will tell, but hopefully our next move won't be another forced one, and settling for less than ideal won't be the typical financially restricted response, time will tell, life is full of surprises and we can't always take full charge of our destiny, ebbs and flows happen in real life to real people, and the ratio of free-will versus god's guidance, and discerning which doors lead to frustrating obstacles and further follies that prohibit growth and development has been the proverbial thorn in my side... we have been thinking MO or OK would make sense in part to extended family living in those areas, then i heard some more things about TN the other day, so my mind is still open, wife would probably rather be close to her genetic family, but she is pretty open as well... time will tell our next vocational change, where, when, and how to finance... the 'why' has already been answered, we live in an over-populated geography in the northeast, and this rental property does not have the natural resources to sustain a healthy life, nor does it provide a quiet and peaceful atmosphere that's conducive to clear-thinking and productivity, the volume of local motor-heads makes damn sure of that. i suppose that it makes some sense to families that rely on public education to reside within the over-population, but the warped socialization and blind acceptance of deviant behaviors and personalities, along with constant noise and distraction is beyond challenging, teaching the city-boy to ween from compromising acceptance and dependence of urban environments and governments has been the challenge of a lifetime, personally speaking... getting our house in order seems like the logical first step toward our next chapter in life, time will tell the rest of the story. -- ct
12-03-21 laterer: there is this thing that get's measured on most iq tests, it's the ability to recognize/discern patterns, it measures a person's ability to more than just connect 'the dots', but to display the ability to recognize various patterns by selecting the missing puzzle-pieces, so to speak... being able to connect 'logical dots' from what the general public views as seemingly 'randomized dots' is the gift for the high iq, but consider the curse which accompanies the 'gift', how long does it take the suffering soul to understand that most folks won't understand the things that you understand, and see the things that you can see... consider the seemingly wasted time that smart folks take to realize their gifting, and how to use it to the glory of god, the collective of fellow man, and the people that are in our lives most often... identifying useful patterns that offer more than meets the eye, and utilizing the information that has unfolded from such patterns for the collective good, or your own good is the challenge and responsibility of the gifted to understand... we all have gifts to use for our own survival as well as our neighbors, and doing so out of empathy and love is natural to the person who seeks god, but folly to the person who seeks gratification and reward for themselves... i have less than a critter's furry behind to offer the fool, but offer that which i can to the one that seeks fruits of the spirit through the spirit, for yours is the kingdom of heaven... now would you kindly enter in through the narrow gate, for the easy and wide gate is the one which leads to destruction, it just doesn't have a huge 'do not enter' sign declaring as much for the herd that tramples on each other trying to pass-through... anyways, i just finished reading some thoughts from a brilliant man named Richard, and it got me thinking about the folks that CML has described as 'severely gifted'... i don't seem to have that problem, but sometimes i connect the dots, not all dots are randomized chaos, some dots combine to tell a bigger story... OK, i'm done, it's time to wash some dishes and laundry, in the meantime, don't squander your time and your other gifts, they are useful for life, but not so much when burying in the sand. -- ct
12-03-21 more later: my driving responsibilities are done for the day, i've got laundry going, which means that the sink is tied-up and can wash dishes until the washing machine finishes it's job. i picked-up c. langan's publications that were released as a small book, it's a quick read compared to some of his papers, he uses parables within parables within parables to resolve newbomb's paradox while expanding on the reality of god and his gift of time and life and then free-will as the icing on the cake as both a gift but as a way to utilize the gifts of life and time (sorry, he didn't say all of that in the first part/essay in the book, i added the parts about time and life as gifts from god), and he does so with a bit of a poke in the eye to physicists that deny the reality of god, basically blasphemer's at heart, many of those folks really don't like or respect christopher due-to his poking at their eyes, egos, and hearts, and many physicists and quantum-physicists are very smart people who not only have an extra helping of IQ in their dna, but carry equally large and extra helpings of ego's in their minds, meta-physics is beyond comprehension for many, a seemingly smart mind can have stubborn ignorance of reality as a whole... half of a mind is a terrible thing to waste, especially when the utilized half is so brilliant... anyways, i like reading on the old kindle, it hasn't been utilized for years, it's the model that doesn't use back-light technology, it's easy on the old eyes... laundry is done and so am i. -- ct
12-02-21: soggy day so far, i don't know if the arborists will try dealing with the tree removal today, either way it doesn't change my plans, only if a tree comes through the house at some point. lot's of driving today, just enough to keep from digging very deep into any subject matter, so today i consider transportation to be the job at and, and anything else is the 'icing on the cake', if you're into icing, i'm a cheesecake fan, so i appreciate berries on it, not icing. i will answer a few emails and other comments later today, i don't get many, so it should be an easy task... but here's one for you... what is my opinion of joseph 'brandon' biden if he wasn't president... well, i wouldn't be writing about him very much, he would probably just be cashing-in on the deals that he made with scum while he was VP, as well as cashing-in on his family's philanthropic endeavors, and by that i mean hunter's communist-funded money-machine... the elder brandon wouldn't be in the lime-light and pretending to lead our country while he knowingly destabilizes america with less planning than an average frat-party, afghanistan withdrawal show's how much effort he puts into anything... minimal at best... but his handlers and campaign contributors as busy as the devil trying to milk the taxpayer for everything we've got... dnc leadership is busy, while grampa-joe contemplates which flavor pudding to have for lunch... if he weren't in office i probably wouldn't write much at all about him, it's not fair to pick on folks in his condition, it's not funny, in fact it's quite sad, with that said he should have been working on his move to a warm-climate senior community where he could wear his ray-bans recalling old stories to the other residents, but the same parts of his brain that are suffering cognitive decline also tricked him into thinking that he would be a decent leader, the shame is that his 'support system' of folks that care about him the most failed him, and let him go through with his idea/plans, his family thinks they were doing him a solid, or else they are leaving his soiled lines out to dry for the world to see... he deserves all of the criticism that he receives now... beware the career-politician, especially one who encourages the shameful business dealings that respectable media reported prior to the 2020 election... now remember the rest of the media that did their best to brush it aside and to declare that it was russian-meddling, they tried that at the beginning of trump's administration, and were so emboldened by their success that they tried it again at the end of his term... don't forget about the scum that wrote an open letter telling the rest of the world that they actually thought that hunter's treason-riddled laptop was some sort of russia hit-piece, they knew damn-well that they themselves were the one's conducting the hit-piece, what a scum-bag brenner turned out to be, who put him in charge of anything... anyways, to answer the question more directly, i wouldn't give joe-brandon much thought at all if he wasn't pretending to be a leader and vomiting lies every-time he opens his pudding-hole. -- ct
12-02-21 later: no tree-guys yet. so look... i hope to be able to step away from as much political commentary as i can, but the use of communist-anarchists the past couple of years really triggered/awoken me in some respects, and the same goes for the goblins such as gerarldo nadler--slipping with his over-defensive proclamation that antifa is not an organization, it's an 'idea', yes, a marxist-revolutionary idea and movement and organized groupd of street thugs and instigators and intimidators, but sure man, or 'c'mon man' is the common phrase. anyways, i did a ton of self-reflection late last year, and examined my heart when another popular revolutionist organization called black lives matter teach us about systemic racism at the hands of white folks that might be ten-times poorer and less privileged than them, if you care to research any of the large socialist cities and who the 'local chapter leaders' in blm really are, it shouldn't take a reasonable adult very long to recognize revolutionist instigation's in the northern-pacific with antifa and other folks that really don't like america, and then exploded when the same antifa tactics were used in conjunction with blm protests... the organization is now a money-making machine for local chapters of professional instigators and organizers that have communist revolutionaries as their influencers, there were some unfortunate situations where excessive policing was brought to public attention, there are some folks of local-community organisers and professional activists ave been decrying that they get as much as possible out of the government, as if that were a job in itself, it makes perfect sense that big cities are the biggest victim of such priorities, folks that can make ends meet in the city are fooling themselves if we think that they should stay in such over-populated environments, if your envirnoment cannot sustain basic human needs like food, water, shelter/clothing etc, if you can't farm or raise or hunt or fish or gather your own food on your own or public lands then you now have a dependency for one of your basic survival necessities, there are plenty of opportunities to trade services or earn income to purchase what we require to live a reasonable lifestyle, i was born and bread in an overpopulated series of cities and towns and villages to the north of boston, ma... the notion of a self-sustaining lifestyle was reserved to small food-producing businesses and farm-stands, there are exceptions no-doubt... but the more that i come to the realization that my simple-little mind is too stimulated for cities (i go on full hyper-vigilance security mode even though i have no business in doing so, there is a healthy level of being aware of your surroundings, and then there is something that is consuming about every moving object, and objects that are out of place... it's a great gift to have if you are into physical and executive security, but it's over-stimulation when i have other things to be more concerned with and priorities... i understand that i don't do well in congested geographies, my brain is too scattered on various moving and stationary points at various quadrants and ranges, so as i become more aware of that reality and mixed with several other learning experiences i realize that i am more capable and self-reliant than i ever could have imaged as a kid growing-up in and around a city, so maybe to my former self that lived in and around cities and isn't doing very well to live any sort of self-sufficient lifestyle (do-to the 'noise-level' and over-stimulation of the city life), then maybe you are meant to live in a city, maybe i don't much about large-scale agriculture or ranching or many of the earth sciences in great detail, but i learned how to grow things, and basic care for poultry... to find land that offers enough natural resources to live off-grid in respects to self-sufficiency and sustainability, but to still be a part of a community seems to be the sort of life-style that 'suits' my personality and genetic flaws and giftings, a change in venue and lifestyle is the goal, we are a little old and a little gimpy, but still quite mobile and capable, we just got in a lazy sort of lifestyle that you might do when you don't know what's wrong with your life when certain challenges just don't make any sense because they are all based on things that are completely un-natural and not necessary to life's essentials... anyways, my thoughts aren't very organized and drifting as i'm a bit tired... but cutting off the near constant noisy distractions, is a recently-learned neccesety, i can't live on main street, even though it's a small new england village... i think that i've been coming to the attention of why folks in america will love the idea of communism, know one know's to find food from nature/nuture, the closer you are to a city the more dependant you have already become on other people producing/providing basic survival needs... food...well look, you'll see what i mean... but now the dnc leadership is in so far deep with social-marxists that they are welcoming the revolutionaries methods of instigation and destabilization as witnessed as the concerted effort to remove trump from office, they are now allowing larger and more powerful and controlling government while capitalizing on any and every aspect of pandemic related 'measures' which guaranteed that trump wouldn't be able to run on a message of economic growth, which was a quite healthy by the second year of his administration, i wasn't doing very well during his administration mostly because i didn't have a sustaining job or life-style, but business owners were doing well and unemployment was low and companies were employing more people and more globalized companies were encouraged to come back to america for operations... then china released a bug to the world population, and marxist and dnc leadership utilized the germ to thier best capabilities to destabilize america and 'un-do' what trump had 'done' as far as economic growth and becoming an independent self-sustaining energy producer, but the greenies and economic-morons 'un-did' that too... anyhow, i appreciate the dnc leadership and their socialist and communist associates for their brazen revolution while they can almost taste the america 2.0 that they are in reach of... don't take my word for it, call me a conspiracy-theorist, but i've had enough contact with evil and influential and incredibly sneaky people to know that evil career public-servant type of folks conspire with self-serving interests at other people's expense every day, it's just what they do, some of the world's sneakiest and self-serving and loathing attorneys and law firms work for these folks, folks that couldn't grow a green-bean under perfect conditions, yet they live awfully rewarding life-style's at other people's expense, many times at the tax-payer's expense as was pointed-out so well on a recent blog post by a group of folks that i appreciate... anyhow, life and responsibilities are calling, plus daughter put young sheldon on the tv and it's hilariously distracting, on top of the noise of the traffic at seventeen-hundred hours on main street, live is getting noisy and busy again. --
12-01-21: happy december... last year around this time i had begun to pulled together the resources to throw-up this simple little website, and by the end of the month i had the first of a bunch of challenges papers, they were some of my first writings, they were of a psalmist of old, crying out to god with the emotions and thoughts that were invading my peace... OK, you didn't notice it, but pardon the interruption that i just experienced... the folks from the dumpster company just showed up at 06:00 to come and reclaim it, eight minutes later i'm back in the warm house again... having the dumpster out of the driveway was a first step in cleaning-up the yard... december is coming in with some good-ole labor (and probably pain, as well). i slept pretty well with only one big interruption, a vomiting family member, aabott's rapid covid test show's negative, not sure if she will require any parenting/nursing today, time will tell... but first, some coffee. -- ct
12-01-21 later: i used all three batteries that power the leaf-blower, and only a quarter of the way through this year's clean-up, it's a bit of a drag to wait for the batteries to recharge, but the older i get the more i appreciate the break. it's nice out, it doesn't feel particularly cold, just enough that outdoor labor and a light coat keep enough comfort. knowing the amount of work that's ahead of me today i'm eating as normal, but tomorrow is liquid only, and friday is water only, not a spiritual sort of fast, but i have a few physical ailments that i think fasting will be beneficial for, we'll see, but there are a bunch of required calories for today's chores, and there are some burritos in the freezer... but first i need to pick up the kids. -- ct