...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i write to my kids and anyone else that cares to read... once again, it seems that i need to reiterate, NO PAID ADVERTISEMENTS anywhere on this website ever, it's not in my business model --  ct

11-30-21:  happy last day of november, for the year 2021... it look's to be a full and rich day.  --  ct

11-30-21 later:  taking a break between some driving related responsabilities, the dumpster is about full, i uncovered some more moldy things that needed to be thrown away, and they got the whole histamine over-reaction, the sneezing and coughing and watery itchy eyes and congestion and then labored breathing, i even took an albuteral blast, i haven't had one of those in many months, or maybe even a year now, but then driving for a bit (removing myself from the environment) worked wonders, i can breath through my nose quite well... the respiratory stress and overall physical exhaustion must be the scariest aspect of any typical 'bug', or infection, or whatever the proper-worded 'flu's' that folks get, i deal with an over-active immune system, my body goes into full-blown survival mode when even a hint of certain pollens or spores or other such irritants, some folks might have a brief sneeze, or a slight eye-itch, i might get the full immune-system believing that it's a fight for life, and some times it can get bad, like when steroids are used to bring such reactions back to manageable aggravations... anyhow, i wore a densely-woven type of mask yesterday, and got the same reaction that i did today while wearing no mask at all, so logically speaking it means that my preferred mask isn't worth the energy put into such merchandise, but they are more comfortable than most, but i could also be carrying the spores/irritants with me into the house's main living area, which means that i disturbed enough potential particulates which got on my clothes or shoes, and so further harassed me into the day, i suppose there are many variables to consider, but as stated above, i have an over-reactive immune system, some times that's good, like when suppressing pathogens, and sometimes not so good, like kicking up some pollens or spores... OK, my break is over, i think i can fit a few more unnecessary and musty items into the dumpster, i will be jumping up and down to compact it if it's still here when i return from next drive... which it's now time for.  --  ct

11-29-21 very early:  i was awoken by noisy commotion upstairs, the mouse probably startled someone that should have otherwise been sleeping, and the muffled words and creaking floor boards and shuffling woke me from a comfortable slumber. i don't need to be writing, but i'm awake now and it's just past two:am... i'll shift to another writing project now, but wanted to note the time... after dropping kids off at school, and the wife off at work, the rest of today's mission is to finish filling the dumpster, they come pick it back up tomorrow or wednesday... and then thursday is the day that the tree guys come to make a lot of noise in the backyard, taking down two trees and pruning a huge third tree, so between filling the dumpster, and getting ready for the tree guys, i have to move and organize some stuff in the backyard that will be in their way, so the week looks busy with practical labor, but not too much writing, but time will tell.  --  ct

11-29-21 later:  so i never really got sleepy again, i did a few things here and there, and then beneficially ended up getting direction for the second chapter of my first publication, at least one that i will actually publish and offer for sale, probably via bezos-land... i can't really fully explain in great detail as to why i was getting hung up, but my break-through is that i won't be writing from what i understand as 'an observer', instead i will write from my own limited and even broken perspective, it's coming from me this time... that's what i what missing before, it seems that my own background was as divotted as the myopia polo grounds after the 'royalty' partake in one of their hobbies, well, maybe just divoted enough to leave me in a poor position to offer anything worth sharing, but it will be as imperfect and incomplete as me, but it will be in my own words, it won't be contrived in the way that it was heading... maybe i had forgotten that i am imperfect and lacking in many areas relevant to reality/life, so even if this doesn't make much sense to the reader, it makes enough sense to me that i know where to pick-up once i open that project again, which will probably be later today... i'm thankful, but books of this nature don't typically generate much income, but income is a front-burner variable these days, so the sooner i get it released the better my chances are for income potential, but really it's a bit of a cry to humanity in some respect, it's a cry to parents to take their entrustment to new life as an actual priority/responsibility, and to give it some effort, and to let kids of all ages know that god has been there from the beginning of life, and he/it/god will be with us for eternity... but i wrapped it in an emotionally tugging creative-writing sort of story, well you'll see, but pray for me, language is important in this project, and i can see many potential sorts of audiences/readers, the other aspect to prayer is that i find it easy to loose focus and attention in my home and lifestyle and genetics, so regular/constant distractions make it difficult to stay on thought... thanks.  --  ct

11-28-21: wow, september was a painful and awakening month, holy smokes, harsh realities set in, and i got sick of being sick, look, i write entirely too much to openly publish, from about the march of the year that the chinese-communist-party's biological warfare that was slowly released to the world... yeah, i would say around march of that year, february was bad as well, but march was much worse... so as the ccp's ^genetified^ virus began spreading throughout the international hubs across the world, and as i had lost employment at the beginning of february--i think it was, well reality is that employment was a great learning opportunity, but not sustainable for my aging body, the previously gimpy and regular injuries had come to an almost agonizing degree, so taking another job in that field wasn't prudent/logical... but i ought to be a bit gimpy given previous injuries and my lifestyle, so whatever, so my point is that i have no business working in service or trade jobs that require fast-pace physically enduring employees, unfortunately i sat on my ass and learned to work in office environments in my mid-to-late twenties, and got soft during my best physical producing days, and now in my fifties i understand that i have some limitations that just prevent me from full-time hard physical work at a pace that folks in their twenties ought to be doing... so when i found myself unemployed at the beginning of the pandemic, i needed to find some other means of employment in a different field that the one that i had been doing for a couple of years, so i look back at my resume, figure out what i liked and what--if anything--that i hated about my previous experiences, which options were exhausting from displeasure, and which kept me truly interested in learning more and ... (time-check 12:36, just a reminder) ... anyways, look, having two kids in high school, and a third that's part-time college that all shifted to 'remote learning' in response to covid were factors that also presented a challenge to finding different employment, all three kids needed help from an IT perspective, or from an older adult's perspective, kids that were in schools where 'in-classroom' teaching was traditionally practiced had to adapt to what was, families with children that have a parent home to help raise and educate their offspring that might already been 'home-schooling' may not have had to adapt to that new dynamic that many other folks were trying now to, but we were a two-income family, and Laura had steady employment throughout the government mandated 'shut-downs' that effected many sectors and industries... those factors didn't prevent me from working, but they were variables that needed to be accounted for when finding proper employment... there were two more significant life-changing events that all happened around the same time, and had to do with God shaking-me up once again, bringing a well-needed wake-up call of sorts, and i also weened myself off of some professionally prescribed 'things' that may have helped me in some fashion for a bit of time, but were now hurting both cognition and personal growth to state it nicely... so 2019, 2020, and now 2021 were all life-changing years for me, painful yet productive in many respects, but anyways, i started this crummy website at the beginning of this year (2021) as a means of 'journaling' my way out of crisis-mode, i used to hate to write, i only wrote if i had to, but once i got to level of consciousness again after the fog of the VA-prescribed 'meds', and i was able to get back to my natural writing style (limited vocabulary and little respect to grammar, it comes from an old but short-lived 'creative-writing' style from senior year of high school), and writing in a way where i am not employed to achieve a particular outcome from my writing, in many respects you could say that much of this website is a giant 'prayer' of sorts, or a more open form of communication to God--in that i write to empty as much of the things that i appreciate or bug me, and why (maybe a pathetic version of a psalm)... so maybe to be more clear I write to God, and to myself, and to my family, and to anyone else that cares to read, but journaling about observations/corrections as well, as old and most present past, are a bit helpful for personal growth and even healing in many respects... but looking back i can say that 09-21 was as bad as 09-20, it might cyclic/seasonal afterall... how much of the triggering is just being shooken-up over unemployed already, and then the transition of back to school in it's relation to the stay-at-home parent, i suppose the declining sunlight per-day is a proven variable for some folks, i don't appreciate how quickly it get's dark during the autmn and winter months, but whether it's also a factor that effects my mood and attention, well i don't know... probably. but now i have a project that need's much more of my attention. -- ct

11-26-21: happy 'evacuation day' to those who over-ate during thanksgiving celebrations yesterday, words of wisdom, don't go full-laxative today, or your colon could end up twisted and nearly traumatized as was mine for my recent colonoscopy. the meal that i ignorantly chose as the last one leading up to the preparatory triple-laxative cleanse that the veterans admin feels is best for their viewing pleasure consisted of meat and potatoes and not a lick of fiber... i had two huge beef-burgers and a ton of fries, it could very well have been my 'last supper' as the milk of magnesium, followed by a couple of stimulating pills, and then washed down with a gallon of mirulax left me tossing and turning as the red meat and starch raced through my entire GI system as if it were going for the gold in an olympic event... if there is ever a 'next time' for that shitty procedure i think soup and salad is a better choice of dinner... as stated above, don't go full laxative today to help with yesterday's overeating, you might be seeing a bad-one... anyhow, yesterday was nice, we stayed at friends house for about three hours longer than planned, that means that our kids enjoyed their time. twenty or thirty minutes after arriving back home my sinuses and other histamine-related reactions kicked me arse, there is much more cleaning to do around the house, but, is it dust-mites or mold or an unknown irritant, or is my body fighting a germ that is harassing me, all rhetorical questions that i am considering... no matter what it might be i woke congested, now gravity, and fluids, and sudafed are easing the brain-fog as i slowly awaken. my sleep was short, almost as if the Rx never metabolized, but whatever, i have no plans or responsibilities today other than to love my family and continuing to purge/clean/reorganize whatever portion of the house i can target today, so i don't require a ton of focus or mental faculties to get through today's schedule. it's 'black friday' and i have no desire to approach any retailer, too many crazies out trying to hoard the best and cheapest goodies that advertisers could convince the masses of the necessity of their crap... i wouldn't go near a retailer today even if dawned in full riot-gear, but i might visit the local gun store if Gene posts something that i need that is within my wee-little budget. i do confess that the couple of armalite-variants that i'm building require some major parts still, and the offers from one of my favorite online merchandisers have got my mind where it doesn't belong right now, perhaps if i were employed i might have the resources to utilize the sale, but this guy is in a different scenario, so today i stick with cleaning around the house and giving attention to priorities. also need to put warm-weather clothing away until april, it's adding to disorganization and more unwanted clutter. also need to make room for the christmas-tree, there is the potential for our living-room to undergo mass-transformation by the end of the weekend, and that's a goal worth pursuing considering the current state of the LR. one chore that i haven't done in months is go back and read all of my posts from blog in chronology, i do that as a self-reflection/analysis for many different reasons, after a few months of great psychological and spiritual break-throughs i had gotten lazy with reading my older posts, i had a couple of months where i dove into the deep-end of some old embedded traumas, and transforming thoughts/memories/events from sub-conscious to written language has been beneficial in many respects, but going back and reading given the time to digest and heal is as necessary a step as the contemplating and writing. i've been cautioned that i write too much information that can be damaging to my reputation, i don't require a reputation with man, i will consider the council, but one of the points of this website is to be transparent as an encouragement to those who suffer in silence, i couldn't give a deuce about what folks think of me or my weaknesses, folks that judge me based on my flaws aren't worth a soiled diaper, those are the sort of bottom-feeders that don't want people to heal and grow and mature, good fvcking luck to those folks, but for folks that that dealt with one or more traumas and want to actually begin to heal from them, well you are a big part of why i write. i'm happy to let you know that i have fully and completely self-weened from three professionally prescribed Rx from the VA healthcare providers, as of this past tuesday i'm no longer under the care of a 'mental-health' professional from the VA, they were basically just prescribing medicine and making sure that i wasn't in a danger-zone, they try to make suggestions for help, but the patient can only be helped as much as they are willing to boldly pursue it, otherwise you end up in the same trap that i ended up in, which is the mentality of 'give me a pill that will let me carry-on', it's the mentality that doesn't want to revisit the past and old wounds, and it's the mentality that doesn't consider the future to be any different than the current, it's a mentality that denies reality, a reality that you have survived multiple nasty events that actually happens to people, a reality that nasty or hurtful experiences have changed the course of your life and that life isn't what we might have perceived as 'fair', and that prior nasty events and experiences might have once been considered impossible, or could only happen to someone else... but those perceptions do not fall in-line with reality, reality for the trauma survivor is that every human that has ever walked the face of the earth has a unique genetic/dna which offers the individual strengths and weaknesses, with varying potentials... and the reality is that every human that has ever walked the face of the earth has a unique set of environmental experiences which offer opportunities and threats (i'm just using the basic vocabulary offered by SWOT analysis here), and reality is that the gift of free will combined with environmental and genetic factors offers an infinite set of variables that causes every individual that's ever walked the face of the earth to walk a unique path full of unique experiences that some folks are better equipped to handle than others, i don't know why trauma actually happens to those who experience them, but they are every bit of a gift as life and free-will themselves, because they are all a part of reality... but life and the free will to live it--and the tools and knowledge of how to use them--are all a part of 'ultimate reality' (langan and CTMU), the giver of life itself... the reality is that what we experience and when we experience them are not always our's to control, life brings surprises of every conceivable and inconceivable events, the sooner in life that we connect with the giver of life the more those unforeseen opportunities and threats are tolerable, and the more our live's have clearer perception, more purpose, and understanding... all of those things require an abandonment of previously ignorant 'assumptions', it's part of the growing and learning process... maybe we once thought that influencers or those who were entrusted with with our care actually had our best interest in mind, that they wouldn't neglect, deceive or victimize, maybe we have great control over athletic bodies and think we are beyond certain injuries, or that people are inherently 'good' and won't steal/cheat/lie to satisfy the evil in their own hearts and minds... the grieving mind (see Kubler-Ross and Kesler) using imperfect logic can be entrapping, some for a bit, and others for a lifetime... good times and bad times hold equal opportunity to learn about reality, life and the people we will encounter on our journey... i choose to be free and healthy and full of thanksgiving for the good and the bad... won't you join me?  --  ct

11-26-21 later:  there are plenty of hacking attempts at this crummy little website lately, i don't know why, there is nothing here worth stealing, everything is backed-up redundantly, and who cares if you you temporarily deface this web-space, but whatever, i have a life to go live... but today was pretty nice and somewhat relaxing, i was able to chip away at a few projects, and to be present enough to enjoy the presence of my wife, and 2/3 of our offspring, the other third is enjoying a 'vacation' ;-) at basic training, we were missing him a bit yesterday and today, and feeling for his current unpleasant circumstances... to continue on the previous post, i will say that i try to be transparent about weaknesses and even transgressions, i'm what 'cancel culture' requires from those that they target, i am no saint, although my connection to god seems to help to drift toward that direction... so i will say that i won't write about certain details of certain circumstances or intellectual or state properties, and especially to protect folks that remain in our current physical realm... that's not me, i have no bones to pick with anyone, i have been equally as fvcked-up towards other folks too, so i have more regrets for those whom i've wronged than i do anger for those who have wronged me, i could never be in line to cast the first stone, nor any thereafter. i will say that when the case of repentance, and living a more freeing life based on teachings and life example of Jesus was presented to me, and then i made the conscious effort to act upon that revelation/realization, call it faith/logic/clarity, call it whatever you want to, i'm pretty sure that us Christian sort of folks call it something like a reception of god's grace and based on a faith in the validity of Jesus being the messiah spoken of the ancient through the prophets of our 'old testament' collection of books in our bible, as a collective the old testament books tell the story of the god of our existence, the sorts of things that this god appreciates from creation, and what sorts of things god hates, the books have far more to offer than that simple sentence, but from a practical sense just start with that as a foundation, those books have so much depth that some folks spend lifetimes researching and contemplating and still hardly wipe the dust from the surface of it's binding... but the folks labeled as prophets spoke to a person that would come in the future, and i dare the reader to research the sorts of things that those prophets spoke of, you won't be disappointed... but anyways, this Jesus fella really fit the bill of the one that was spoken of from the words of the prophets, in fact he didn't talk a big-talk, he was quite humble in both words and actions, but by his very nature he walked a big-walk, well, whatever the more appropriate wording might be, the fact that he died in support of his mission/convictions speaks volumes in-itself... do yourself a favor and read-up on Jesus of Nazareth, you can find out more about him from the first-hand accounts of Matthew, Mark, John, Peter, well look, i'm not a professional religious person so maybe get yourself a solid bible and look for yourself, but Paul and Luke had plenty to write about him as well... as limited as i am in the perfect and appropriate theologies of my adopted faith, i will confidently say that you can't just take the teachings/words/logos of jesus for a full perspective, the example of his simple and humble yet meaningful lifestyle should also be considered... when you mix-up the stories of the old testament in with the words and actions of jesus you might get a sense of what the reality of living within an all-powerful and knowing god is really like, and having further understanding of the things that 'he' appreciates and the sorts of things that he doesn't appreciate is all the more useful for one's own good. our parents were to show us through example and instruction of what is appropriate actions and behavior, as well as other useful life skills and useful knowledge, guess what, the vast majority of parents did not accomplish that mission, they had the potential to do those things, how much they were able to give combined with how much we were able to receive are variables worth considering... now get this, the bible is full of useful information that maybe your parents weren't quite able to teach you, it's full of useful information that you might consider for your current and future consideration, even if you were brought up in a solid 'religious' environment you should also consider that some of the things that you were taught might have been incorrect or incomplete, but when you take the time to put in the research and effort that you are actually capable of, it's then that you can't say that nobody told you so, and with an open and humble heart/mind you might begin an indescribable 'relationship' of sorts with the very god of existence... but there seems to be 'an offer and a response' effect that is key in establishing such a bond, i find it to be a necessity to actively pursue this sort of a 'connection/relationship' with the god that deserves my attention, i tend to fall back on poor judgement and behavior the less time and attention that i dedicate to the god which encompasses everything that we can see and what we cannot see, be are the mere 'atoms' of chemistry in the largest compound ever comprehended by man, so it might be worth your consideration to attempt to understand the sorts of things that god likes and doesn't like, you could start with the ten commandments and expand your understanding from there, or don't, but it's your choice to view god as priority or not, whether to follow misguided and time-wasting philosophies that say what you want to hear versus what you need to hear... i'm about falling asleep, so i best be closing. -- ct

11-25-21: happy thanksgiving... looking forward to spending some time with close friends today, and the hosting family get's serious about their menu, so toilets beware, there will be some over-eating happening in our near future. i ordered c. langan's book 'the art of knowing', after i read the forward online i decided that i was too impatient for the book's arrival so i also purchased the kindle version, and it hasn't disappointed. the language/vocabulary is more like what i'm used to, it's not quite as heady and dense as some of the other books and papers that he's published--it's better suited for my capabilities... anyways, i don't have much more time for reading and writing today, the family is waking and there are things to do... as previously stated HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! -- ct

11-24-21:  pretty mellow day, no car so no travel, kids are off from school so two driving chores are eliminated from m-f routines, i have the dumpster until next tues or wed so i've prioritized re-organization and cleaning over the purging project.  reading more on c. langan's perspectives on free-will and i find it one of the more fascinating aspects of god's gift to humanity (besides life itself), and it's got me intrigued enough to purchase his book 'The Art of Knowing' from bezo-land (amazon), really looking forward to reading more on the subject.  extended family is exhibiting vaccine-paranoia/delusions--i live a pretty full life with their absence, so no big deal, that just means that we are having thanksgiving with a buddy and his family tomorrow, my friend said something about bacon-wrapped scallops and shrimp cocktail for appetizers, so yee-haw and amen, he's actually like a brother, so i should quit calling him buddy/friend.  thinking about my son today, he had to repeat two training weeks in boot camp, and one of them was water-week and the temps have been steadily dropping, so i feel for him, also for the fact that he won't get to over-eat with us on thursday, it's the first holiday without one of the off-spring, so that sort of sucks, but really it's just part of the growing/aging process, as the 'kids' get older there will be more and more holidays without one or more of them and future spouse and families.  was also thinking about my cousin joey today, he's the guy that passed a couple weeks back, we found a shoebox full of photos from my mom's belonging's and there were some awesome one's from his early childhood, what an awesome smile that kid had.  i had no idea that changing your main picture on zuckerberger-world let's the whole frickin world know that you did so, i just changed the picture, that's all, damn. i've also been contemplating what a blm 'revolution' will look like, and how it might effect me, there is no denying my whiteness, so i suppose i could be a target, but i am capable and well armed, so as long as they keep their revolution away from me and my vocation it should only be an inconvenience for an unknown period of time, let the crazies shoot it out with each other, there will be less population in urban environments which makes blue-run cities safer as far as i'm concerned... it's a shame that dark-skinned folks have fallen for the communist/anarchist methods, communists have been working for decades to ruin america and they have the dnc and many dark-skinned along with a plethora of street thugs on the other side of democracy now, that's just fvcking great... anyways, let the crazies over-run and shoot it-out in the blue-run cities and states and i'm fine securing my local (and far safer) geography, but a blm revolution just means that i will carry some spare mags in my pocket now, but certainly nothing to fear, unless you live in a blue-run city, good luck to the folks which reside within those littered hellholes, i suppose they are good for their airports when needed.  --  ct

11-23-21: reading, learning, contemplating, and praying regarding the subject of 'free-will', versus 'divine intervention/guidance'. it causes me to go back and consider the time in my life when i got 'more serious with god', call it what you want, but it was the beginning of repentance based on a 'newer' understanding of Jesus the Nazarene... i had a core belief that was understood since early childhood that there was/is an actual god, and that jesus had something to do with god, but it took a zillion variables in order to understand more of the importance of jesus and god... it wasn't until an exceedingly memorable evening--back so many years ago--when i consumed some fungi containing psilocybin before i met him.  to say that i was troubled and lacking an adequate human support system is an understatement. i spent 45 months active duty army (36 months contractual and 9 additional months stop-loss due to ODS). by the time i had returned to MA (the state of my birth) my body and mind were pretty fvcking beat-up (gimpy knees and right shoulder, constant back spasms, chronic tension and insomnia, panic attacks, numbness of emotions, allergies and asthma, isolation, and didn't want to talk about anything more than skin-deep with anyone) pretty much the poster-child for ptsd labeled symtoms. i worked a shitty retail sports type of job where i was an outsider due to my lack of pedigree and monetary value, but i loved playing tennis and a store manager that i still have great respect for offered me the first employment opportunity post-military, i had more or less resumed an unwanted 'care-taker' responsibility for a loved-one that i was living with--i had forgotten about the care-taker role and responsibility while i was away doing army things, and i was too unhealthy in my own head to help someone that required more help than i was able to offer. i was also encouraged/manipulated into beginning college before i was adequately prepared to do so (which turned-out to be disastrous for my academic dreams), but i was influenced by someone that by all means had zero qualifications to influence me at anything other than where to find a good sandwich... i could go on and on about that particular period of time, my early twenties, but you probably get the idea that i didn't have much peace or security in my life at that point, i had improperly assumed that self-medicating with socially acceptable, and widely available alcohol--as well as illegal drugs would offer some sort of repair to my brokenness... i was a train-wreck waiting to happen... but that was sort of my state of being... my best friend who is as close to an actual brother as an only-child can comprehend was taking guitar lessons from someone (who also turned out to be a great friend and a good influence) that had conversations about jesus, and that a repentance to god was possible as i opened my heart/mind to jesus mission and willingness to change my perspectives and to begin living a life that was more in the template of the christ... well actually, i don't know what/how their conversations really went, but when my buddy began to explain this concept to me i thought he was a knucklehead that went off the deep-end... and then one fateful night, while under the influence of beer, magic-mushrooms, and probably some cannabis too, well the things that my buddy had been talking about sort of came to a pinnacle as i layed on a sofa in a dark room, and cried out to god to take me if he will, and to forgive my actions and behaviors, and to make me more like the christ, because i was convinced/knew that jesus was the real-deal, he was the messiah that many ancient prophets had written about, and that he came to show the way the truth and the light... i could recall many of my faulty actions and did my best to communicate to god that i didn't know how to change my thoughts, or how to control my actions and behaviors, but that i knew that i required change... during that time--where i lay in quiet darkness--it seemed like god was sort of communicating back to me and recalling many times in my past where i should have died by accident, or on purpose, at my own hands or by other people's actions... it was as if god was showing me that he had been more in control of my destiny than i had been, i had done numerous and unimaginable things which can be described as self-destruction, but god had sustained my life, and hadn't forgotten about me and whatever potential that i hadn't squandered already, god wasn't ready for me to die even though i was pretty sure that i was more than ready to do so... i can't explain the gratitude and peace that i had experienced after that moment, i could literally 'feel' an indescribable sensation of 'things leaving my body/soul', almost as if some spirits were exiting my physical or spiritual host/body, and i felt a new sense of 'lightness', it was the weight sort of lightness, not the optical illumination type, but really the whole ordeal was a spiritual illumination... the words 'gratitude and peace' come back to mind... as i contemplate the event today i recall the words of 'footsteps in the sand'... but the story of how i formally 'met' god come to mind today when i contemplate a facebook post which speaks to human's existing free will and it's relation to a 'fatherly god' who still hold's the hand and guide's the path for a fifty-two year old, and sometimes ungrateful child (me)... i'd love to patronize the notion that i am old enough and smart enough to dictate the course of every thought and action, but there is still--and always will be--a god who has far more control over my surroundings/environment than i ever really consider... when i live my life in the impulsiveness of routine and gearless-nuetrality of sub-consciousness i find it far too easy to leave god out of the equation, and make myself and my insufficient reasoning through faulty/compulsive thoughts, words, and deeds... (sorry, i was just interrupted by an unsavory telemarketer that wanted to speak and sell, not listen)... and now i have to drive someone to an appointment, pardon my hasty departure, and unfinished thoughts, life calls, i respond. -- ct

11-20-21:  i closed my linked-in account today (celebrate with me), i stretched it out for as long as i thought was necessary.  i generated enough interest from that website that i don't require the sorts of things that the california based company 'offers', networked platforms are OK for some things, but the intel-gathered by ill-doers from such platforms disgust me, there are a few reasons that i'm keeping facebrook open, but those reasons are dwindling... web-based networked platforms were cool for awhile until scum-eaters learned to exploit the crap out of them.  i did receive some decent push-back from linked-in lefties patrons when i went on the offense regarding left-scum, sadly though, none of it was very challenging, it just equated to verbal slap-fighting... anyways, that's about 25 (give or take) less email that i should receive per week (celebrate with me), with that said though, someone got me pretty good by signing-me up for a shit-ton of right-wing email distribution lists which spam filter is catching the bulk of, so someone got me good, conservative does not equate to hard-right, i have an open mind you know... anyhow, nothing much else to write about for today... but i encourage the reader to seek truth over popular opinion, and to seek god rather than ego-driven selfish desires... i have to spend a bit of time working on some other writing projects now... best regards to you.  --  ct

11-19-21: tinnitus is kicking me arse today... i get the whistling/tone sort of effect, the va doctor that i saw about it was as useful as a box of rocks, when a delusional fool makes their mind up and made their final determination of ignorance then all i can do is wish them good luck in life and search elsewhere for help, i have little patience for so called intellects that refuse reality, wishing them good luck in life will keep you out of jail where a good hard kick to their ear in an effort to share the tinnitus and wake them up from semi-consciousness may not. i watched a ted-x video of some guy today, it didn't help much other than a bit of education, i know that it's a 'phantom sound', i'm not hearing an actual noise, but me simple little brain is misbehaving, and my left ear feels to be my enemy. the ted-x guy did mention that many folks with tinnitus deal with depression and even suicidal thoughts from the effects of this 'fake noise', i get it, i've whacked the crap (not literally) out of my ears on some occasions trying to get it to stop... the conclusion of my experiment will only be published on this website, it's an exclusive, well, i'll just skip to the conclusion... it doesn't help, whacking one's ear to mute/lessen the false sounds of tinnitus does not yield favorable/desired outcome... nope, it doesn't work... i wished that the person who initially described tinnitus to me didn't use the word 'ringing' to describe it, when i was 21 i interpreted the word 'ringing' to be the sound of an old fashioned phone, not the tone that comes and goes and to varying degrees, there is no 'ringing' in my noggin, but the high-pitched tone can be so distracting at times that i want to go back and beat the snot out of the audiologist that the veterans administration unfortunately employed back when i sought help for it, i don't waste my time dealing with a 'deaf' audiologist, not everyone who has ears can hear, may those who have ears to hear listen... anyways, this sh1t is loud today/tonight, and it's very distracting, again. -- ct

11-18-21: yesterday's post got wiped when i tried to ctrl + v... the paste resulted in blank text, and the rest was already gone to the shitty session-kill that this crummy service offers... i could chalk that up as user-error because i ought to know the possibility of that error occurring, but it always seems to occur when i am at a dwindling level of consciousness (tired/sleepy), bu then again that's typically when i make the most mistakes, such is life... i have another writing project that i began yesterday, i can't foresee it providing any financial resources, but it ought to have positive and lasting benefit to my soul/psyche, it's one of those 'dear eric hansen' things where you write letters to people and yourself as a way to examine the past and actually offer a type of communication to god about significant people and our past, the term he used the other day was 'open up full level of our hearts' or 'true repentance' (and NO, it wasn't a professional religious person that used those terms)... and the term that was used as the reasoning for the project is 'impacted grief'... depending on how fvcked-up your past has been, and what types of events that you have experienced, and how you processed those events and remember them today, well if you are a ptsd type of person like me then there is a good chance that you might have a tad of that impacted grief yourself, but that's between you and god and maybe even a intermediary or two to help facilitate, but anyhow, since i have been reading Kubler-Ross and Kessler trying to get a grasp on the reality of emotions and common experiences that they clump together as 'grief' then the term impacted-grief already speaks to me without having researched yet... impacted-grief, impacted wisdom teeth, i get it, but i'm looking forward to consuming more info on the subject, and the writing project... there are many exercises and ideas and topics to help facilitate creativity for authors/writers, but most that i have read are crazy-shallow wastes of calories/energy, so this is one of the ideas that seems to have redeeming and lasting benefits, so i consider it a worthy exercise and hopefully doorway to further discovery and healing. my body is subject to over-reacting, take my immune system for instance, it over-reacts to many air-born particulates that don't bother most other folks, over-analyzing traumatic events based on ignorance, ego, and emotions is a recipe for disaster, and when i say 'ignorance' i use the word to describe not having enough of appropriate understanding/education, i don't mean being a dummy, i fully understand that i'm as ignorant as fvck about some things that i have learned incorrectly or haven't even considered yet, but i'm not as much of a dummy as you might think, although i did abuse my brain/intelligence/potential for many years trying to forget painful historical events... trying to make use of god-given potential requires embracing reality, ignoring and trying to stuff-away unpleasant experiences and not fully learning from them is pretty dumm (i know/love folks that cannot physically speak, so i prefer to use the 'crash-test dummy' type of wording for dumm), i will call it ignorant... some folks that are about as dumm as me may actually require a smarter person to more or less take you by the hand and walk through the event, like a parent to their child when trying to teach and show you how to do something... i guess i required that from time to time, and sometimes more than others... i spent over fifties years learning how to stifle and trying to forget unpleasant experiences, 'take a pill and carry-on' was the mentality, but your sub-conscious simply doesn't let memories escape, we have a ton of 'storage-space' in our brains and as much as we would like to f-disk or re-write the past it simply doesn't work that way... since my renewed prayer-life has taken shape it seems that the combination of prayer and communicating in the simple way that i know how through valuable writing exercises i am encouraged that an overall healthier version of myself is closer than i feel at the moment... and how, a special 'thank you' to Jesse, and a special 'thank you' to christopher langan, both have offered some education that was long overdue. ok, i got to get back to responsibilities, cheers. -- ct

11-15-21: Right about now i'm missing the boy/son/man, i'm also a bit upset that the fancy overpriced electronic way to send letters to him has taken longer than the USPS takes to deliver a letter, 3 fvcking dollars per 'letter' and they can't get it there faster than five days, i'm sure that sandbox is occasionally an adequate service that is making former marines some decent income now, but when you only do one thing find a way to do it right, otherwise you are just another cluster-fvck of a business/service... i sort of knew that it was an over-priced money-making tool before i signed up for it, but i thought it would be worth it in order to ship a quick letter in between the actual written/typed letters, but now they are bordering on incompetence, and buyer's-remorse is setting in... and frankly i don't care that the owners or employees are veterans and they closed for veteran's day, if they are veterans they ought to understand the value of the moral that letters from loved-ones offer to folks that are training, and not use the day as an excuse to forfeit responsibilities. i suppose i shouldn't be busting on them too badly, but with over-priced services comes higher-than-typical expectations, printing and shipping what amounts to long text messages does not involve a whole lot of moving parts and unpredictable obstacles... look, i was army, and all branches of service like to harass each other a bit, sort of a sibling rivalry, but in all honesty marines fancy themselves as the poster-children for excellence (i've never met a prouder bunch of individuals), so excellence is what i expect, not half-assery shit-shows that any under-achiever is capable of... get your act together sandbox, you have a $3.33 per letter of a reputation to uphold, and i have a case of buyer's remorse... hey, look... if you are a veteran also, thanks a ton for the crap that you endured, and the shitty conditions which you had to do your job, as well as the separation from loved-ones, and having to make some painful decisions, and thanks for putting your body/soul on the line for however long you did so... so much for the niceties, what are you doing for our country today, are you encouraging communist democrats to have their way with our republic by sitting idle drinking beer and remembering the good old days, remember, those were the folks getting indoctrinated by morons like sanders while we were actually trying to do something for our country, while we suffered and worked our asses off in the middle of the night while cold/tired/hungry the communist democtrats were inventing ways of giving away the republic and resources what we were trying to help and secure... if you are a veteran and forfeited what was left of your fight on the day that you ETS'd, well fine, you just served because you needed a job, not because you had any back-bone, i get it, but keep your 'veteran's day celebration' to yourself because you have become ineffective and probably fat and lazy as well, i get it, you probably think that biden and his bunch of incompetent military advisors did a wonderful job with the Afghan withdrawal, that's OK, there are a bunch of other ignorant delusional folks that think the same, enjoy the cool-aide from your sippy-cup and go back to your show now. If you continue to sit on your ass and expect that the 'win elections at any cost' communist democrats to do nice by america and her citizens while they devise new ways to cheat and give away the resources that you helped earn, i'm sure that you've been told to 'stay in your lane' more than once and you happily do so now, i'm sure that you just don't like to make waves or to be a bit noisy when the DNC socialist-communists continue to divide the country and give away our resources, and angrily and loudly spew nonsensical hate speech that defames anyone other than their country-tanking comrades. good for you if you still have a spine and are doing something with your god-given intellect and resources and freedom, but fvck you and your lazy ass if you are now a mere bystander in life and in politics, depending on your disability you might have an excuse to remain on the sideline, otherwise your apathy and lack of motivation to keep our country free and strong reeks of the lonely port-a-potty outside of tent-city. academic-politicians with no real-world experience are busy 'theorizing' marxist bliss while we were busy trying to help our country remain strong and free, and many political-theorists are in office or are supporting the communists that are now in political majority, yeah i know, you probably think they are harmless like little cockroaches, but that's not the case, look at the budgets and policies that brandon and his band of merry comrades are implementing, it's your tax money that they are running away with to give to those they think are worthy of it's use... well look, happy monday to you where ever you are and whatever you are doing, and good for you if you can afford the inflation and higher prices on everything, democrat policies will ensure that someday you won't be able to afford those same things, or they will be too difficult to even find for the lower class simpletons like myself, but lucky you, you are probably rich and have plenty of disposable income that you have been planning on giving away anyhow... congratulations if you supported and voted for team communism, now gimme five dollahs, that's what us poor folks demand of you rich folks when you walk by, we stopped begging because it's more fashionable to just demand it instead, now gimme five dollars... too long, now i want your whole wallet too, you privileged punk-ass crackah, now gimme your damn money. -- ct

11-14-21: i'm not ready to comment on yesterday's 'celebration of life' for my cousin Joseph (joey), but it was necessary, and things went about as well as things can go, except for my other cousin who cracked a tie-rod almost an hour away from their home, it happened in a busy parking lot, and fortunately NOT while traveling at high rate of speed on a highway between points A and B...otherwise, i heard some good Joey stories/memories, and shared some as well, and the weather was beautiful most of the day. Today is a different day, and now i'm reading a bit more c. langan, and i admittedly read his works for mostly selfish purposes... today i'm back to a theme/concept that i wish that i had understood as an adolescent... 'potential vs. actual', folks that hope to maximize their potential without hacking it might do things like, well i dunno, i did things like retarding my potential with substances that make you 'feel' different, using what intelligence i had to annoy folks for entertainment, pushing every limit that i could imagine and all with zero regard to the future other than assuming that i would die at a young age and was too 'dumm' to do anything constructive...not so brilliant, aye. Anyways, i pray sometimes that god would undo some of the doing's that i did to myself, i know it's all possible, but it took me several years of trying to dumm myself down to a desired 'perpetual buzz', a self-retardation of god-given potential... the self-destructive potential-demising history of my youth was purposeful and efficient, god didn't let my brain completely revert to a state that requires professional care/supervision, however, i have had a significantly more need for human support than some peers... you cannot correctly assume that everyone begins with the same genetic make-up which you could also call variables/giftings/marbles, today's society likes to use the word 'privilege', primarily as a way to divide races, call it what you want to, but everyone is unique/individual and is subjected to different genetic and environmental resources than anyone else, there might be a meta-equation that god uses to make sure that we are all equally blessed with the ability to live some sort of a life that is equally worthy of our existence and given potential, but that is a speculation that i won't even indulge with time or energy to explore right now, but/anyhow, the matter of potential versus actual can be quite sobering when you recall what you do with your potential/time/energy/resources, when i contemplate the resources and effort used to self-retard the mind and body and soul with negative input--which ultimately releases negative output--i suppose that i should appreciate the fact that i can respond to and spell my given name, well i suppose that i have no reason to complain about the actual/current state of my life, i was proactive about nearly every positive and negative action or reaction that i have ever produced under the sun or darkness, free will is a bitch or a blessing depending on how it's utilized... the topic of potential vs. actual is a boat-load to ponder, it's wise to turn to commune with god after considering how you try to resolve the equation, but 'dynamic' is a word that comes to mind, mistakes and poor judgements/decisions of the ignorant past do not always bind us to a 'static' outcome, there are things that some folks called 'kingdom principles' whose vague process and results (mechanics) coincide enough where we can trust such laws of 'repentance' and the fruit which it has another version of potential, good grief, i'm done, but these were a few things on my simple little mind after reading a bit today... but if i stretch a bit and try to re-cap, and tie some of those thoughts together i would conclude by saying that i'm almost certain that if i bounced these thoughts off of cousin joey he would probably tell me to shut the fvck up, although lately he would have encouraged me to keep striving for ultimate reality, well who knows, but i'm glad to have met and spent some time with my 'little cousin', i think he would appreciate his celebration yesterday, there were a bunch of folks that thought well of him and wanted to remember him as they knew him. -- ct

11-12-21: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross observed/identified five distinct aspects to what she described as 'grieving', she identified those categories as she spent time with terminally ill patients, so her observations were of humans that were coming to grips with their own mortality after learning that their physical expiration was near and unavoidable, she wrote in detail about the following five stages:

... and then David Kessler, who co-authored a couple of books with her, added his own sixth step, 'finding purpose', although his 'step' was based more on his own experiences grieving the loss of his own son, so it's a different dynamic in that it has more to do with survivors getting along with their lives after the other 'steps'. amendments to Kubler-Ross's original publication suggest that the steps do not necessarily have to be in a specific order, and some folks don't always exhibit each step, and others experience various lengths and degrees of different steps, but if you have ever lost anyone close to you, or even experienced certain trauma's, you can probably identify with them, they make sense really, they are like a really long conversation that one might have with god regarding the topic of human loss... i don't need to write anymore about the subject, as elisabeth and david are pros, and they already did the work... But, i open with this info because i was discussing a bit of this topic with a first cousin of mine, within the past six weeks or so, and now i find myself contemplating the subject again as i find myself coming to grips with his sudden/unexpected passing. understanding that the subject of grieving and it's accompanying emotions are experienced by most people is helpful to a degree, it keeps you from stalling too long on some steps knowing that 'acceptance and finding meaning' are end results that you are working toward, the rest of the steps may surface from time to time, and some more than others, but the memories of the loved-one that has passed are tools that we use to work through the grief... yes, the memories coupled with acknowledging that 'god's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven', well those sorts of thoughts seem to help with the whole process, and it's easier to find solace when you learn that they passed peacefully... anyways, i'm thinking of Joseph this afternoon, and i'm actually looking forward to celebrating his life tomorrow, i have good memories of him. -- ct

11-11-21: happy Veterans Day for the folks that willingly signed-on for challenging and sometimes crappy employment, and to the folks that still do that stuff too, and happy November Eleventh to everyone else. i don't celebrate any of my former jobs or achievements, but i'll give you a pat on the back and a thank you for the things that you do to contribute to a better world, chances are that you probably contribute more than i do, so thank you. the dumpster got delivered early this morning, so i'm looking forward to cleaning house, i'm starting in the basement and working my way up from there, i suspect that air quality will improve shortly after the work is done... no more storage in basement though, that's proven to be illogical without using a dehumidifier and adding to our insane electric bill, mistakes learned the hard way, i have a lifetime worth of similarly acquired education, although i still manage to hit the finger with a hammer on occasion, even though that was a lesson learned some forty to fifty years ago, hey, i never said that i was smart, only a smiggin's worth... actually the last iq test that i took a few weeks ago (some online self-timed version of a mesna variant) show's that i'm a tiny bit above average, but i didn't finish the test either, i ran out of time before i had to go pick the kids up from school, frankly speaking i'm not concerned with a real actual number, i am remarkably average in many respects, so i'll leave it at that, but don't go asking me to solve any of the world's mysteries/problems, but i'm highly capable of helping with regular life sort of things... i'm actually not impressed with people's IQ so much as what they do with their capacity and potential, reading some online posts and watching some videos from intelligent yet compromised souls bolsters my opinion on that matter, although there are a few communities of highly intelligent folks that i do appreciate, and it has more to do with moral character and the courage to speak truth, i don't have the capacity to contribute to those communities other than time and labor perhaps, but when typical sources of information yield frustration a guy has to look elsewhere for better sources, some of the folks involved with those communities have helped me grow already in a short period of time, the mini-meltdown that i had the summer of 2020 required a good dose of reality and reflection to actualize any personal growth, smart folks that aren't afraid to speak the truth and really know how to communicate it are instrumental for that sort of stuff... but if you take a look at some of the iq tests that some of those folks score highly on you may begin to understand your own limits pretty quickly, some measure certain things that others aren't so great at measuring, but there was this one test that i looked at where they gave you about a month to complete and return, that frickin test might take me a year and i still wouldn't feel good about most of my answers, so my capacity becomes soberly understood when i consider the potential that other's clearly posses, i had no idea that a guy that i met a bunch of years ago who was once a governor of NH has so much capacity/potential, the elder sununu spent a great deal of his life in various roles in different levels of government and now i want to read the book that he authored in recent years, i'll have to go back and look it up when i get to that point, but i have two langan authored papers that i'm consuming at embarrasingly slow rates, and researching a bunch of other interesting topics, and writing, and also living a life that includes a wife and three kids that expect me to be present both physically and rationally, so sununu's book is just going to have to wait, i wanted to read levin's recent book, but he also charges money for it, and after reading freely offered and probably much more complete information on a web-based group i'm sure that i have already consumed the info in levine's book, just not the way that he wrote it, so i'm just giving that example... i can't ever imagine myself being in a position or situation where i need most of that commercialized knowledge anyway, i'm not in government or politics or education as much as they are interests, but i do still have immediate family members whom i am required by god and government to instruct, and so my own continuing-education is still quite relevant, my opinions and words and instruction are not pushed on anyone, but i have a family that i am responsible for with my provisional capabilities, my physical capabilities (including protection), my knowledge/experience (including how and when and which parts of it to share), my guidance through various obstacles and variables to consider when faced with decisions and how to learn from our mistakes... well i'm sure that you get the picture, but if anything has improved since last year's 'triggering' in my life it's that i'm being more purposeful in the priorities that a husband, father, citizen, and man that also embraces god, i don't appreciate 'America's pastimes' anymore, and i'm trying to shed other distractions and get more real with myself and others and to try to see as much of the world through god's eyes as i can possibly handle at any given time, the more that i look at the world and all that's within my sight but through the filter of my grimy spectacles the bigger waste of time and energy and potential, so i have many responsibilities and things to do with my time as i become more aware of how my life has evolved and what my high-priority responsibilities really are, and how purposeful i am with my time and energy for such responsibilities... so you know, a guy can only consume so much info with the genetics that he's been blessed with... Langan's papers take way too long to absorb right now, very compact/dense yet rich vocabulary and sentences, in his publications he writes as he assumes that most of his target audience will comprehend, the lower your iq the more difficult it is to process his major writings unless you have a solid background in various fields of math and the sciences, and also depending on your understanding of religions and philosophies, so i have tp put down a couple of his papers until i can give them a distraction free environment with appropriate levels of sleep and hydration and nourishment, meaning my 'a-game', but i might get sununu's book soon if i want to put my money where my curiosity is, i bought langan's book from amazon based on QMM and he went from zero to sixty awfully quickly in regards to QM and the math that goes with it, it was really the meta that i was interested in, but also understand that quantum is a relevant variable and i'm not really honing in on the type of mechanics that he is touching on yet, because i got lost in the math already, organizing the foundations of such theories requires the organization of math but i gave up on math at some point in high school i think, and then when i took a self-paced online math class in the army in order to raise my asvab scores to change fields, well i learned quickly and forgot most within the year or so following, it was sad really but in some respects i consumed alcohol frequently enough at the time while living a lifestyle focused more on social interaction and being a transparent knucklehead, and the relationships with an influential group of friends that i still appreciate today, so again, some folks go to college during those influential years and are influenced by some a new group of influencers through formal education, and military 'enlistees' receive different education and experience through a different group of influencers (and other folks that don't fall into either of those categories od a zillion other things that i'm not categorizing or considering for this post) , but to back on track he is losing me on the math and rich vocabulary very quickly with the intro to QMM paper, his target audience in his major papers are significantly higher than average IQ, but he has some web-based platforms where he writes regularly and with a vocabulary that i am more accustomed to... and then there is the news to consume, good grief, i need to take mental-health periods of abstinence from time to time when one consumes certain levels of local, federal, and as much of a world perspective as it's reported by my preferred news outlets, sometimes i'm a bit bothered by the reported events that i read and watch and listen to, the mass manipulation exhibited by some so called 'law-makers' as they reshape society is a bit disconcerting from time to time and the mere thought of consuming Gillmede's high-energy responses is enough to require some deprivation in itself. so that's a rather winded bunch of wasted thought on why i may not get to sununu's book, but from what i recall i align closer to his philosophies than current administration, and then he served at federal level for a respectable length of time, i currently reside in new hampshire, and so in some respects i refer to him as a former governor, he was actually the governor when i was a CIT at a summer camp that his son went to and i remember them making a big fan-fare when the governor came to drop off his son for whatever length of time that chris went there, another digression, but i guess i've given him enough thought noe that i will eventually read his latest book that's on amazon, it ought to be thorough based on his iq alone, hopefully it's not written with harmful motive... anyway, i've been contributing to this post off an on for the past six hours as i have been filling up the dumpster and writing when i want little breaks, i'm still winded at the moment, and will require a shower and change of clothes the second that i decide that i'm done for the day, my daughter reminded me of the logic behind wearing of the popular face masks when doing this sort of work that includes respiratory irritants mixed with physical labor, i appreciate her input, the masks help on certain levels with certain irritants and certain contaminants, and wearing them while cutting the grass for a few weeks to a couple of months in the summer is useful, and when exposed to musty-to-worse organic an even some inorganic crap left in humid-to-damp environments, well they seem to help when exposing oneself to that sort of crap too, i like the densely woven synthetic fiber ones personally speaking, but the ever-smartening daughter suggested a particular version that we had a box full of instead, they seemed to help thankfully, i started having a reaction about 20 to 30 minutes into the work and complained about it and she communicated the rationale behind utilizing the ever present disposable face-mask, sometimes i need to be informed of the things that i am obviously missing, sometimes more than others, i appreciate my family, and for a zillion different reasons that i couldn't begin to list or communicate.

11-11-21 later: i'm going to celebrate the life of a recently deceased first cousin on saturday. he was someone that i hadn't seen or communicated with for different lengths of time in his forty two years, he was ten years my younger, he has a sister that has been as solid of a care-taker as a daughter could be to her parents whom both have also deceased, i hope to give her a hug on saturday and let her know that i appreciated Joey... we had all attended another mutual first-cousin's wedding this summer and joseph and i had been calling and emailing and texting with some regularity since then, he knew that i had a shitty experience with unemployment and falling way behind with bills during initial covid restrictions and responses, he was trying to help me go through the application process that both he and my family had easily qualified for, and he was also trying to help me as i was transparent about shit that bugged me significantly, and he returned similar grievances, we were basically offering one another a type of relative's companionship and support through the phone. i had been expecting a return call from him, i was going to jokingly tell him about the results of my recent colonoscopy, i had already mentioned to him my displeasure of the triple-laxative induced per-procedural sh1t-fest, but never got to tell him about my results, that's privileged information, i will not share it openly on this platform but for a cousin with a sense of humor it's open topic, it's more funny than anything so no worries, but apparently the diverticulosis is evident now that i am post-fifty, crap, pun intended... Anyhow joey and i appreciated some similar things and we both grew up around a bunch of the same people, and we are older and wiser than when we first met, so our most recent relationship was good, and i really appreciated his time and interest and help and insight on certain matters, he taught me about perspectives that he has as an individual that walked and took public transportation to the inner city as a security professional, he worked third shift for many years roaming city streets to commute to work, in military terms he deployed mostly on foot to get to his post during zero-dark-thirty hours, it's one of the things that i admired the most about him, he was willing to physically exert himself to get to work to protect something that he thought was worth protecting, he didn't want to be on the receiving end of governmental budgets but he wanted to contribute, i don't know the extent of his genetic/physical dispositions, but i know that he had some con conditions that were important enough for medical intervention, he was pretty smart in many respects and was smart enough to only be as transparent as he felt that he should be about certain things, that's a human nature to be guarded about what information is shared and whom to share it, i am guilty of gaurding information like you wouldn't believe, i'm not able to fully articulate why i have trust and discernment issues, but many folks prefer to be private about various depths of themselves, anyways, joey didn't tell me the names of the conditions that he was suffering with and exactly why he had what he had done at the hispital on his most recent stay, but intro medications of the type that he mentioned to me suggests a disposition to a particular infection which should be treated somewhat aggressively when certain levels of certain things are realized, i thought he was good-to-go after his last hospital stay but no one know's how that certain condition may have contributed to his physical passing, initial observations suggest that he passed suddenly and without struggle, and with all respect i will add the word peacefully, professional people made those observations but cause of death is not known, frankly speaking it isn't terribly important to me to know that in regards to grieving and remembering him based on our recent conversations since early august, i had some good conversations with him recently and so my memories of him are based on recent communication, and him taking interest in communicating regularly with me again, i don't how i may have helped him in anyway, i don't know if i did at all, but he did have a lot to say from time to time and i think i was a sounding board that he appreciated when he wanted to vent or just chat, i'm glad that we were able to sort of 're-kindle' a relationship over the past few months, it certainly helps with much of the grieving process, he had a good clarity about a bunch of things recently and i was honored to communicate ideas regarding current events, i liked the transparent joe, but couldn't really tell when he was been too guarded about things that he should have been more transparent about, i don't think that he was doing tons of struggling lately, when he received the substantial benefit to help with the same things that i had fallen behind on, well it lifted a great deal of pain and frustration from his shoulders, and he recently acquired new employment that he seemed to appreciate, and so in many respects things were really looking up for him in certain respects and so with that understanding and knowing that he passed in a peaceful manor really brings certain aspects of what kubler-ross famously phrased as 'grieving', i was a bit shocked but i am already comforted in understanding certain facets of the last three months of his forty-two year physical life-span. i miss him, don't get me wrong, but the pain will be in witnessing the various levels of grief from loved one's in the days to come, but i will remember him based on our conversations over the past three months and they were good ones, and one's that challenged yet affirmed our opinions about certain things and how fvcked-up the world seems to be lately, we were good sounding boards for one another recently and i have a sort of healthy perspective and opinion and memory of him now, we both appreciated simpler lifestyles than most people desire, and that was another thing that i appreciated about him, financial limitations prohibit certain lifestyles but i don't think he would want to be very extravagant or fancy even if he had the resources to do so, i appreciated that most of me wardrobe comes from walmart because my days of image are long gone, and he had similar sentiment about how fancy or simple of a low-distraction minimal lifestyle is best for our own dispositions, i am not smart and fancy i am simple and have no time for societal enrichment of the popular types...joe expressed similar interest in living the reality that comes with time and experience... were were able to be grumpy old men with each other except neither of us are terribly old, i appreciated that joey embraced a simplistic lifestyle, i am striving to improve that respectable attribute in my/my family's live's as well, and he encouraged me to slow the fvck down a bit as i have been on a mission to be more realistic about moral and other logical priorities... OK, i am rambling and tired now, so i won't waste time filling up internet space, but i can honestly say that i can celebrate joey's life, and that's what is being called for at a funeral home in the town were i spent most of my youth, until i graduated and enlisted in the army about a zillion years ago, heading back to my home town is always meaningful, even for funerals or celebrations of life as is the case, traveling with mom is going to be tricky to say the least, but we will make it work, she needs to grieve as well as celebrate with meaningful memories and i think she seems to have enough strength and coordination to go to the restaurant after too, she needs to get out of the nursing home and experience a degree of nature again, covid responses really screwed around with the emotional health of older folks that are dependent on professional semi-medical environments as far as contact with the outside world is concerned, mom has survived the plague and i'm looking forward to getting her out for a bit, they would quarantine her for fourteen days if i did that just a few months ago, automatic two week isolation it you vacated the nursing home for any reason at all was the rule for a bit, it's good to get her out without subjecting her to deeper isolation. --  ct

11-11-21 laterer:  the moderator Eike responded well and caught a post that i responded to on a forum and shut off the commenting with an efficient response of closure, the person who posted originally pissed me off to a degree with their whit-based commercial of a time-wasting distraction, unless that's how the person actually communicates, and if that's the case then i apologize, but they were actually being immature and a bit of an ass and so i sort of triggered them in a response that i made which was as much of a distraction as the original post, so i feel bad that i wasted my energy and other people's time while i responded to the annoying post, but i got the trigger that i was expecting which was getting to the bottom of a long-winded fantasy story of a commercial, the commercial might have actually been written by one of rogan's staff, i hate to mention that possible consideration, but the video that the person linked to in response to my poke might suggest as much, anyhow, good catch by eike... i need better discernment when responding to annoyances, i have nothing to contribute to that particular group and they are more than capable of taking care of themselves so i ought to just be quiet at times where i don't know better... i don't even want to talk politics and about their media counter-parts right now, i've had a far too enjoyable day to analyze and comment the words and actions of the controllers. i can't let those folks distract me from present obligations and my emotional state, frickin brandon and his jolly band of buffoons.  --  ct

11-10-21: happy birthday to the USMC, and happy anniversary to the woman that i love differently than anyone that i have ever met before... we met through a former mutual employer, and rest is history as they say. i'm blessed to have you in my life, and more so that we are legally and spiritually joined, somehow we met each other's criteria for a mate with the religious factor of Jesus being the pillar... our marriage is probably the best decision that i've ever made, well, maybe second only to seeking god for necessary changes in my heart and following jesus' example and teachings as a template for a more logical and fulfilling life... the results of those two decisions being three of the best kids that a guy could hope for, our legacy... those kids have some crazy dna thanks to us, but they have access to the same great god that can work with and through them despite their genetics... they have had the privilege of growing up in a stable home with parents who love and respect each other through words and deeds and teaching them that there is a god that is worth pursuing at all costs, our bank accounts attest to that statement. we've enjoyed times of comfort and times of really hard work, sickness and health, and better and worse, and i wouldn't have it any other way... our marriage was blessed with an unexpectedly long spiritual 'honeymoon' period which made us both appreciate the Zach Brown song 'you make loving you easy'... the latest song that we both took notice of is Chris Stapleton's 'starting over', once again we have been talking about moving 'to a better place than the one we're at' as his song spoke/ministered to us, no matter where we end up next it will be better with you still by my side. your patience for sharing your life with a guy that hasn't been a great financial provider for some extended periods of time is beyond the capacity of most women, but it proves that love doesn't have to fit a certain mold, your patience with me is proof of god's love if 'fruits of the spirit' are to be considered and appreciated, i know that we both do. societal traditions suggest silver as a gift for today's anniversary, as it turns out the flatware at the restaurant that we will be visiting is a similar color, so how 'bout that... anyways it's almost time for you and the girls to wake up, so i'm going to fix a cup of coffee and do some waking of my own now. I love you sweetie, i have a much better understanding of what love is some 25 years later, and so i am blessed to say it again, i love you sweetie. -- ct

11-10-21 later: man did my email suddenly get flooded with various right-wing outlets, i didn't know that there were so many, i'm conservative so it only makes sense that i would end up on some email distribution lists from righties, but i have no time for the crap that my spam filter has been catching, or the one's that sneak past it... i read the one's from solicited entities but noisy distracting spam is the litter of the internet, well that plus anything that is defecated from the mouths of dnc leadership and their possessed pundits, of course... i had a terrible night's sleep and i'm fading a bit now, so let me excuse myself again.  --  ct

11-10-21 laterer: i took someone's bait on a group of folks that really appreciate god, the bulk of those have IQs that leave me with a dose of reality as to how simple that i am, and one of them posted a commercial of sorts, and it was to promote a topic, or possibly just a particular podcaster, or perhaps it was something with more meaning than i wish to convey, but really this one particular part of that group of FB people wrote a post that was a commercial or maybe who know's what their actual motives were, but i took the bait as the simpleton that i might be and responded in a way that triggered them to post the video and get to a topic of what they considered important information, or it was a stunt, but the fishy-written post followed by the video was an interesting combination, but in reality, i probably have nothing to offer to that group of individuals, i'm really just listening to smart folks talk about some mind-blowing and intellectually stimulating and i will say important information, and so i took the bait when i was exhausted after a rather long day, and i took the bait but i probably just should have shut my mouth, but it will be interesting if any ctmu folks rebuke my tone or response, but their original post was cleverly written in some respects, it appeared to be troll-ish and so i poked at them a bit with a smart-ass, but not harsh, but openly silly sort of manor, but like i said, i have no business offering any my insight to that group, they are amongst a group of folks that far too gifted than his guy, so i should have just shut my mouth, but i offered up a triggering and get-to-the-point smart-ass response, i hate when i succumb to that silliness, but i do have a sort of self-demeaning silliness demeanor when i am relaxed and amongst friends, sometimes even a bit of humor here and there, i like to be light-hearted but that has been a way of masking reality to a big extent and for too many years, i would use humor as a way of coping with frustrations or unpleasant emotions, i guess i've gotten a bit more focused and intense over the past five or six years now, and then covid and various level of government's reactions to the bug were brilliant in sort of triggering me in a way that i was able to get off of medications that were numbing me in many capacities, but the newer one for sleeping and the cholesterol one i still unfortunately feel a need to consume, but anyway, dealing with a neccesary lifestyle and employment change at the same time was instrumental, and also helped realized how far i had sort of stuffed god asside in many respects, i hadn't realized that i had just been assuming that i was connected with him/it/whatever the approriate word is, logos comes to mind, and all of that kicked in at the same time and came to a head around october of last year, and so in many respects i... crap, i'm getting really tired now, i didn't take the sleeping one lastnight, i mean eventually i have to sleep better with purposeful routines without laboratory created molecules, but anyways, i had a shitty night sleep, and tonight is our anniversary and the sleepiness is kicking, i can tell by my sentence structure and use of words, and the coffee doesn't seem to be helping, and so i needed to vent for a minute as a way to take a break before i get back to working on Laura's truck, man that thing is seeing a bad-one, but nothing that an angle-grinder won't temporarily solve, well for the one issue (too funny), so i'm sorry if you had to read this post of me venting and taking a break... back to work and then a quick shower and some fresh clothes before tonight's dinner, i can't go in public like this, i'm also simultaneously helping the guy remove the rest of the tree outside of our home/landlord's house, he's her brother and he is 78 and intent on splitting up the remaining tree the good old fashioned way, it's been his livelihood doing that sort of thing with firewood for decades now, and so i'm helping him a bit hitting some wedges with a chris-sized sledge hammer, and lifting some of the bigger chunks of wood, he taught me a lot about splitting wood using some simple tools and whatever god-given strength that we have at that particular moment, and he has some interesting thoughts and perspectives and had some vision of someone that came back from the dead, it seemed to last for a good length of time, i think i got 15 minutes or so in between filtering through the words that he uses to communicate with, anyways, it's almost fun helping the old-timer, it's the right thing to do to help someone that can use the physical help and especially at his age and capability, but shit man, it's anniversary day and i have s hit-ton to try to accomplish in a not-so large of a window of opportunity, but god bless him, please, i wish my back wasn't so gimpy right so that i could be of more efficient help though, i needed this quick rest... OK, back to work now... one last thing, analytics show an uptick in page views recently, not sure what i did to stimulate that, maybe because i've written more recently and contents are being harvested or monitored, but whatever, i have much to write about religiousy sorts of things in the near future, it's been a strange last couple of months of a journey in many respects, and i'll write more that section of this crummy website soon, after i can gather my thoughts a bit better/more, i have limited processing and storage capabilities and i've been stuffing my head/consuming as much as new insight as i can handle at the moment with still maintaining a somewhat 'normal' life, so i still have many thoughts to gather relating to the matter of god and implications of a healthy or unhealthy 'relationship' with such an awesome being... OK, he is working back outside again so i gotta run for sure now, crap.  -- ct

11-09-21: busy day today, i think, as long as plans don't change, a bunch of driving, some good physical work, should be interacting with some good folks.  i ordered the dumpster yesterday, so i will be VERY busy once that arrives later this week, it's time to get rid of the rusty moldy possessions of ours that we keep in the shed and in the basement, my intent is to improve air quality in our home, and de-clutter the place of possessions that have become meaningless, well meaningless unless you are a hoarder with unlimited climate controlled storage, then you might find good excuses to hang onto every old possession like they are bars of gold, when the dumpster shows up you can probably set your watch to when my back goes out, i'm sure that it will even if only for a day or so.  i still have some re-arranging to do around the house as well, but having some free space to do it under will be satisfying and less dangerous than it's current state.  i need to tidy up the office space to, the room that's too small to be much else other than storage or an office, yes that room, it looks as though i will be employed again in the near future and will require the home office once again, not the self-employment thing that i've been doing, but the typical kind, the boss doesn't seem to think that i've lost too much technical knowledge and that it should be like riding a bike once the muscle-memory comes back, i'm sure that he's right, i just haven't wanted to go back to that sort of work, embracing office politics with demanding egos and being pressured for continuing education and certifications that are expected of most technical folks, i could be an engineer if that's what i really wanted to do, but i noticed how engulfed i would become in the hardcore techy stuff and it took me away from the present and other priorities when i get locked-in and can't be disturbed until i finish, some folks admire that quality, but i have a wife and three offspring that like to see me with some regularity and i found it too easy to keep hitting the 'pause button' on them so i could find more time for work... what would the world look like if folks had that sort of drive and focus that i can get while working, but with god... yeah i don't really know either, but there would certainly be less selfishness, crap, alarm clocks are going off now so i gotta run, like i said, it should be a busy day.  --  ct

11-08-21: happy monday to you. i've been writing on this crummy website now since January this year (2021), it seems that i have lot's to say about certain observations that i've made about society, current events, and religion... most of these observations come after having a 'triggering event' last year, followed by weening off of VA Dr prescribed molecules for treating certain conditions that get labeled as ptsd, as well as a more proactive relationship with the infinite/omnipotent god of existence, as well as a nasty bought of unemployment causing financial instability, as well as confinements and other abuses of government in response to the china/gates/faucci bio-weapon... so since i've had my life turned upside down and inside-out and elected to back away from professional drugs instead of asking for more there has been a bit of an awakening you might say, and this so called awakening has frustrated the crap out of me when you consider the current state of affairs in USA, as well as other parts of the globe... it was good to have the fog of Rx removed, it was good to get pushed to some limits, it was better to begin reading and researching again, and it was far better to renew--or maybe strengthen is a better word--a relationship with god... in some repects it was like god telling me that he hasn't given up on me, and my potential even though i already had, but maybe i'm the type that requires life getting difficult to shake me out of fog-headed routine and to smell the sulfur-flowers that our country is cultivating, as previously stated, this awakening of sorts has been frustrating in many respects, but everyone requires the most of reality that we can possibly handle, hoping for change without taking an active part in it is as futile as hoping that democrats will just nicely stop turning our country into another communist machine, political prostitutes are hell-bent on taking as much filthy slimy disease-ridden socialist money as possible while taking hits off of the same marx-lennin-sanders crack-pipe that schumer-pelosi worshipers borrowed from hunter himself... it's hard to watch a country that i was suppose to defend from communism willingly embrace some of the politicians that are entrenched in the DNC now, i probably wouldn't be writing about any of this if they weren't so emboldened by their recent successes that their rate of lunacy is exponential... so anyways, when the brain-fog lifts, and eyes are opened challenges seem greater than imagined in many respects, unless you are willing to make some thorough/difficult decisions about where and when you spend your time and money, as well as how involved you are willing to be as well as your threshold for discomfort and pain, the family and i are literally going to relocate as a direct result, the wife and i had considered it a few times in the past but now have some actual conviction included as a variable... anyhow, my writing has slowed over the past couple of months as i have read more, and since i have been reading some of christopher langan's works i see that we have a great deal of overlapping opinions, and he's changing some of mine, which is good, he's smarter than smart and that's why i wanted to read a bit of his works, i was looking for education and guidance from someone smart enough to warrant them from, but now the problem is that it's effecting my writing, in many respects i'm learning many things all over again, and a bunch of things for the first time... anyways, it's hard to write when you feel dummer than a box of rocks, but feelings are just feelings and require a dose of reality, so for now i'm mostly just writing in this section of the website, i could write in the politics section full time every day, but i would be more miserable than mayorkis and sanders and a few other cabinet members combined. the big picture is that i need to learn more about agriculture and a few types of critters that we want to possibly raise, for a guy that spent most of my years living in and around a city i'm going to feel pretty stupid when we move into deeper country and there aren't any conveniently located convenience stores, consuming less of the things that consumers consume will probably be a significant challenge when we move, there will be plenty of challenges with lifestyle and geography changes, but learning to be less dependent on the commercialized products that drive consumerism and having less familiar faces around will probably be two biggies. OK, time to go do something productive. -- ct

11-07-21: not sure it's 02:35 or 03:35, but it's wicked early... some of the clocks in the house seem to auto adjust for daylight savings and the rest don't, so my reference for time is inconsistent... i know what 'military time' it is though, zero-dark-thirty hours if we want to get as vague as possible. twenty five years ago i was doing something about now, i just don't remember what exactly, in between the dreams i think i was prepping to get hitched, tie the knot, become one with a woman of god... however you like to say it... how about maybe a 'paradigm shift'. 25 years ago on a sunday i married the woman that is sleeping upstairs, it was raining up until daybreak and then the sun blessed us for the rest of the day. we got married on the campus of gordon conwell theological seminary, in the chapel, neither of us studied there, but we lived close by. i remember my only surviving grandparent that made it in from florida for the occasion, she got there a bit late, so the limousine driver (who was dressed in fancy clothing) walked her down the isle to her seat when i was up at the alter already, too funny... i also remember the music and singing, we have some friends that are our parents age that are very gifted in music and the husband played the piano as they both sang, we had other friends recording the ceremony on a video camera, we had friends that actually performed the wedding vows/ceremony... there were a good amount of friends and family gathered to witness the occasion, but really the whole day was a bit of a blur, i remained completely sober, yet my simple little brain had difficulty with all of the stimuli, it was like one long and loud conversation from sun up until bedtime, some people thrive under those conditions but i am not a politician so i need time to stop and think, not just keep smiling and flapping my jaws all day. well today isn't my actual anniversary, it's coming up very soon though, but it was on a sunday about 25 years ago and it's sunday now man, so i can't help but to remember and contemplate. our relationship has evolved quite a bit over the years, it's no longer about two folks becoming one, it's about two folks raising three more folks from scratch, our kids are not kids anymore, though, when they talk back to you they mostly make sense now, and there aren't too many tantrums going on around here anymore either. we are pretty broke so there won't be any impressive and substantial gift giving involved this year, but i will work on a letter for Laura over the next couple of days, and maybe we'll go out for a dinner, we don't eat out much so that's a treat... but there will be no jewelry or fancy or expensive gifts, those things are nice but we have so many other priorities to do with our resources when we have them that shiny fancy gifts are even a consideration or desirable, i got her a fancy ring for her 30th birthday when i was producing some decent income, but dinner and some time together is more of our style and within reason now, everyone needs food/drink and time is precious so there we go. we are both twice as old as when we married, i have about half the hair and my body has gotten a bit softer over the years, but i think she still loves me anyways. i don't place the same value on 'looks and appearance' as i once did, but fortunately that is not what we based our marriage on, we based it on religious and moral conviction, not trying to use each other for our own selfish purposes to satisfy our individual egos, but appreciating each other through the eyes of god, not the eyes/mind of reproductive organs, and a trophy to brag about, but a friend and partner to experience life with and to help one another along the way, all while trying to honor the characteristics and teachings of god, i'm sure there is more to it than that, but we both desired a christian partner and that's what we got, we've proven to each other time and time again that we are both imperfect humans that come with plenty of defects, but there has been a love and forgiveness, a give and take, a helpmate sort of thing that has endured life's challenges and forged a mutual respect that we still share after a few very crappy years that have challenged us, take the past year and a half for example, that shit really sucked man, but we are evolving and growing stronger in some respects, even as we grow older and past our physical primes... 25 years of hanging out with a close friend and partner is pretty cool, and frankly i don't know if i would still even be alive without her love and support, in fact i'm pretty sure that i wouldn't be. we carried our own genetics into our marriage, and our genetic imperfections have been tested and pushed to limits at times, but our marriage begged the god of creation and morals and strength to hold us together and help us to grow and mature, through good times and bad times, and sickness and in health, and heeding another as important of a priority as ourselves were things that were important to the partnership that began some twenty-five years ago, thank you Laura, and thank you Lord for these last 25 years, what a long and strange trip it's been. -- ct

11-06-21:  i look over at the digital clock, i thought it was calling me a son of a bitch (S.O.B.), but it was actually 5:08, and so it was time to get up.  it got frickin cold overnight, down to 30... the only thing being grown and harvested now are the dingle-berries governing the states of northeast and the sun-dried one's in DC, otherwise it's too cold to grow and harvest anything else, but the dingle-berry is still in season, and there are plenty of ripe one's for the picking.  --  ct

11-05-21: RIP Joey, i won't grieve very long, I promise... but i will remember you appropriately... we had some good talks recently and i appreciated them, and you.  Love you cousin.  --  ct

11-04-21:  happy thursday to you, make the best/most of it would you please... i have another job today doing some good outdoorsy physical labor, same thing i did yesterday.  the weather is expected to be pleasant with a little brisk temps to start with.  god bless you with the capacity to take a different look at life today.  --  ct

11-04-21 later:  nice day today, the weather was great, nice autumn day in new england.  i got to work outside doing some landscaping and gardening and will be compensated for such labor at point in the near future, but it is based on battering and not direct monetary payment, so yeah man, good day.  the soil was inconsistent as well as the plants and berries themselves but overall i had some great soil to work with and should be able to finish the big picture tomorrow, so four days worth of good physical work that my unconditioned body is struggling a bit with, but it's all good really, and working with mind body and nature is gratifying and spiritual in some respect, my unconditioned body is craving healthy food, so i'm excusing myself to go consume some tasty nourishment, and probably complain about my sore and exhausted flesh to the folks that are home tonight (wife and daughters)...  good evening to you.  --  ct

11-04-21 laterer:  i just received a phone call that folks don't like receiving, that a loved one has passed... i had been waiting for days now for a return phone call and now i know to wait no longer, it won't happen, he won't be calling back.  he suffered to varying degrees at different periods of life, and now his physical self isn't concerned with how to pay for the next bill, and why folks are just being plum-crazy, he's not thinking those sorts of thoughts tonight, in his present condition.  cause of death hasn't been conveyed, it might not be understood yet, but cause won't bring him back to our present, so it's futile to a degree... what a shitty surprise, he got a new job recently and he was pretty optimistic about the opportunity, and it seemed like his latest health check-up was also optimistic, so WTF is sort of the question that i have bouncing off the walls of my head... RIP cousin... BTW, i'm keeping your DVD collection of Freaks and Geeks, it's one of my memories of you now and i don't think your estate will miss it much... i'm beyond words and still trying to process the news that he's gone, it's so fvcking weird.  --  ct

11-02-21 very early: so i might start the story all over again, i'm maybe twenty pages into it and now i want to re-do from the start, well almost from the beginning... i suppose that an editor would have me re-work much of it anyhow, but i think i'll end up doing it over myself... i started on one path, then it sort of took a change that i wasn't expecting, and then there was a third part that i totally wasn't expecting either... and it looks like i can probably take most of the dyslexic structure out of the story when i look at it as a new story instead of being continuations of the first story, maybe taking the couple of month's break was wise in order to look at the big picture of whole story instead of three different stories... re-working twenty pages is a bit easier than reworking two hundred pages, so no big deal i suppose... hopefully i can work through the current stressors in my life long enough to focus and complete this first publication, it's not a big fancy difficult project, it's just a little story so it shouldn't be this difficult, but i'm not a seasoned pro, i usually just write instructions and email, not papers and books, so i shouldn't be so hard on myself i guess, i'm just impatient but want to tell a story worth reading and so goes the challenge... anyways, i'm glad that i woke up in the middle of the night to resume the project, but now i think i'll be rewriting it to organize the theme/information/words better, i wish it hadn't taken an hour and a half to come to that realization... now i need a break and will begin reading activities... right now i'm going back and reading Chris Langan's posts on one of his FB groups, his books kick my ass from an intellectual perspective, but he uses mostly regular language/words on his CTMU FB-page, so it's easier to read through his direct posts right now, he uses some of his difficult vocabulary and concepts on FB too, but they are throttled down a bit from his papers that you can read and download for free on some of his websites... so i did a little bit of work in the wee-hours of the night, and now i get to read and research :-) -- ct

11-01-21:  Happy November, does your breakfast include candy this morning, it may if you live near halloweeners and still managed to finish the night with some leftover candy to develop our own blood-sugar problems instead of just encouraging others to develop diabetes all on their own... i like the kit-kats and the reece's peanut butter cups, they make me smile.  --  ct

11-01-21 later:   yes, i joked about it, but no candy for me today, it's 15:30 and i haven't really eaten much yet, last night's beer and hotdog supper did me in, i still have no desire to eat, so tonight's supper ought to be good then, i'll make up for my caloric deficiency with a dense and delicious something or other that's sure to please the family... no... not candy, something more savory... tonight may be a breakfast night... you know, the eggs, bacon, english muffins, candy... you know, the whole sha-bang, wait, no candy, but chocolate-chip pancakes or waffles maybe... OK, fine, i'm just screwing around writing right now... i'm a bit out of practice since i've been sleeping better, i tend to write better when i am super-sleepy and more subconscious, or less mind-filtering involvement, i can get into a zone and crank out tons of content when i dedicate time and focus but that typically involves me bringing the a-game to the table, meaning adequate nourishment, sleep, and hydration combined with a distraction-free environment, and technology that behaves as it should (solid connection to the webernet without hacking or ISP interference)... but really most of my writings that are worth a whoot come in the hours of darkness when most normal folks are sleeping... so my challenge right now is to finish a poem of sorts, it's technically an allegory that folks will like or hate on initial reading, maybe even some ministry involved during or after consumption, but i need to finish the thing... once that's finished i think i will be able to chip away at the other ideas floating aloft, i think i have about a dozen ideas in the works right now, and my wee-little brain is adhd in some respects, it's thinking about too many insignificant things that no one needs to be thinking about, probably... stimulant therapy helps to a degree, and so does cannabis, but shit man, no one should require such things to live their lives free of a run-away mind... so finishing the middle section (wicked hard for me), and wrapping-up the last section (which i wasn't even going to include) for the allegory is my mission, i'm not perfect, neither is the fruit of my labor, so i'm just going to finish up to get it behind me, i suppose i can still edit and make changes for subsequent editions if i'm so afraid of releasing an imperfect publication... i'm sure that candy and IPA and hotdogs won't trigger the creative and intellectual piece that i hope to produce, so i will eat better tonight in hopes that an indigestion discomfort won't wake me in the middle of the night, but perhaps tonight it will be inspiration that get's me up, well sometime after the bladder requires relief and before i have to drive anyone anywhere in the morning, that's a reasonable goal. -- ct

11-02-21 UPDATE: well i got what i hoped for, i woke up after three hours of sleep so i guess i can write now, wish me luck or whatever.  --  ct