07-31-21: july is one of those months that has thirty-one days, and so here we are... today looks like it should be nice for indoor or outdoor things and i always seem to have plenty of both to do, today looks good. if you've read any previous blog posts on this crappy little website you may pick up on some re-occurring themes or ideas, you have to know that anything that i write about that is re-occurring is something that's important to me for any number of reasons, and right now i am trying to go a little deeper into a theme of 'conscious behavior' and 'conscious communication', they are recognized by almost everyone, and that happens whether we think that we are communicating or behaving consciously or not, whether we think we are communicating or not, and whether we understand how we communicate through actions and behaviors, or not. sometimes parents understand how their children are communicating verbally or why their actions and behaviors warrant further communication, it's a bit like an adult that speaks one language only for their entire life and then finds themselves in the middle of a foreign land and trying to ask different looking and acting and speaking people things like 'do you know where i can get some food to eat, of something nice to drink, or how to get home, or...', i've found that communicating with the simplest words and using hand and body gestures and exaggerating and emotional methods of communicating work well, sometimes a simple guy has to sort of 'act' out what we have difficulty in communicating through verbal means... i'm trying to tell people that don't know my primary language that i want a pineapple but haven't a clue how to say it the correct way so i have to show them the shape or size with my hand gestures, and maybe show them that when i cut it open that it smells nice and tastes nice, and if i remember that they grow on trees and they don't just develop on shelves of grocery stores i might even try to draw or show them that these pineapples grow on trees that sort of look like... well i'm sure that you get me so far... some people have a harder time with our primary languages that we have to not only use verbal means to communicate, but we have to also act to communicate, or use arts to better communicate, and then sometimes folks that have difficulty in communicating through verbal and acting means might also communicate what they really mean in behaviors... if a person says that they want a tasty pineapple and can act out or show you what a pineapple looks like and where we think that they come from and are lead directly to a grove of fruit trees and then walk past the pineapples and grab the first coconut that they find and displays a huge smile and thanks you... well the new friends in different lands might be scratching their heads and pondering things like 'what's wrong with this white dude from distant lands, he clearly asked for pineapples but really just wanted a dum 'ol coconut, and damm, we had a sh1t-ton of those back at the village and we didn't even have to go out to the grove of trees to get him one of those'... and so goes the heart of the matter, or the big picture of communicating, and if it's even consciously or not... if a hungry fella like me tried to draw a picture of a coconut tree but i drew a banana tree instead because i can't draw for crap, well then i choose to communicate out of my own inadequate/ignorant skills of drawing, well, maybe the news friends picked-up on that already, one of them can draw better than me and still understands that i was just ignorant in that sort of way... or if i clearly drew a pineapple tree/shrub/bush-thing but thought that coconuts grew on them, well maybe my new friends could also understand that i thought that the one thing that i wanted actually grows from an entirely different vegetation structure, and so my ignorance is evident to them... or maybe i was just so overly hungry and thirsty and didn't know what i really wanted, but once i saw the coconuts i just had to have one of those instead of anything else around me, and my new friends might understand that this little dude is a bit desperate and clearly just required anything that they could get their hands on to ingest calories or fluids and then they probably also understand that i need more than a hard round thing for sustenance... or maybe it's just a simple story full of examples that are just my own clumsy way of stating that even simple communication isn't so simple for everyone, and depending on physical/genetic abilities to use verbal means to communicate in a language that's preferred by closest people i might still actually have difficulty communicating... and if i'm just clueless and ignorant about the sorts of things that i'm trying to ask for or learn about then there are other reasons that i communicate differently... well look, i'm just writing a story of examples to show you how i've learned about difficulties that some folks like me find in communicating... but communicating through acting, or acting-out, or through actions tells a bit more of a story than clumsy verbal means might allow, if i really wanted a coconut but chose to ask for a pineapple it might illustrate that my actions or acting was a better example of communication... and asking for some latitudinal appropriate fruits when i'm lost and just don't know what i really want or need might communicate the point that i'm just ignorant or unconscious of my actual requirements... i know that i am guilty of all of the above at sometime or another, and so for me it's been a healthy sort of thing to go a bit deeper into my own inadequacies and try to understand where and how my communication methods failed, and when i guy like me goes a bit deeper into previous experiences and tries to understand how i either consciously or unconsciously communicated during and after confusing and maybe even overwhelming situations, and how certain learned and genetic variables allowed me to, or prevented me from understanding the 'big picture', for me it seems that symptoms related to anxiety and ptsd were important to confronting and embracing and learning and progressing past certain conscious and unconscious thoughts and actions and behaviors and other forms of communication that i have had or have difficulties with... communication is beautiful gift when we choose to utilize it, and whether we communicate verbally or through acting or through behaving sometimes reveals the conscious or unconscious understanding that we have been gifted... this might all sound a bit like strange crazy talk to some folks, and a bit simple and elementary to others, and then to us folks stuck in between it might even be a life-long struggle to fully comprehend... if folks like me have experienced something that's 'traumatic' in any way shape or form it might make a bit of sense, or if folks have been a victim or victimized more than a few too many times then my words might make a bit of sense, or if folks that understand the 'basics' or 'foundations' of human communication maybe it makes more sense, or for folks that just plain 'feel dumb or stupid' it might also make a bit more sense, and if folks that work with kids and childhood behavioral specialties maybe it makes a bit of sense, but sometimes, many times, usually, well i don't know how to process lot's of information clearly and so there is a dichotomy of religious/god dependency vs. fellow man dependency that is required to sort through some things that i need to sort through... and sometimes only time seems to answer, sometimes time and perseverance and a willing to live another day or just to survive offers/yields/reveals answers to questions that remain unanswered...

... i have much more to write but it seems that my busy life requires my assistance now.. god bless.  --  ct

07-31-21 later:  busy day with lots of busy things to do, and lots of busy things already done, so now i'm fitting in some more writing/emptying of my head... lot's of things on my mind that i'm trying to either fully process or trying to finish or trying to... well i don't really know why i always use writing as a communication method, but it's helping immensely, it helps my anxious and over-stimulated mind... straight-up self-inflicted therapy in many respects... but if i look back on this morning's post i can see where i started and then understand where i left off... i left off a bit abruptly because i lost a bunch of thoughts/writing that instead of using windows command ctrl + c to copy the writing, i actually just executed a straight-up 'c' after i highlighted the section to copy, and overwrote a bunch of stuff that is still in my head but just not in the post, so instead of a bunch of thoughts, well i just replaced all of that with the letter 'c'... brilliant!  but really it's all still stuck in my head, so maybe i can articulate or formulate or write it better another day... so where do i pick up from then?

07-31-21 laterer:  and based on previous post it would seem that in some respects i am still finding my voice, or to hone some type of craft, or  message, or whatevah... so anyhow, if i'm a simple guy that one upon a time i had to learn a little bit of something regarding something that some people call 'biological warfare', if i were a soldier in the army and learned that harnessing biological agents, or in more relevant terms a 'germ' or a 'virus' or other types of  terrible sorts of things that utilize parts of nature and parts of natural human deficiencies and then harness those two things together and then message them together

07-29-21:  chris langan uses a language/vocabulary that i'm not used to, but holy smokes does he pack a ton into every sentence... i wish he would quit using words like 'self-instantiations', if i spoke like that i would have been able to read a bit more fasterer, but i appreciate his words and thoughts and the way that he groups information... well anyways he's definitely an official smarty-pants in my opinion... holy smokes... he makes me read a little slower than i like but he condenses a boatload of perception into small chunks of words and for a simple guy like me, well like i said, he makes me read a bit more slowerer, and i appreciate his words and perceptions, he's just straight out logic with his own unique wrapper - or - communication style... but i'll tell you, he knows how to communicate very well to very smart people, and whether or not very smart people comprehend what he articulates is entirely up to them... i appreciate his words and language but i'm totally comfortable with my high school diploma status and where i ended up... i wished that i didn't view high school education as an obstacle to being able to live my life, i could have given a rat's ars about the information and the lessons that were in front of me, i just wanted to get on with my life and whatever was next, and more education wasn't a part of my comprehension... well thank you chris l. for pushing me a little harder than i like, my brain cells are scraping together enough to get through your publications... but who even says words like 'self-instantiations'... i guess smart people do.  --  ct

07-29-21 later: so reading langan's first big publication got me thinking about science more than i really like to... i think the most fascinating thing in regards to science that i remember learning was in middle school when mr. Balski explained atoms, and how everything was actually moving somehow, even if it looks like a solid... and then almost nothing made sense after that, my mind was too blown to contemplate much more than 'how the heck is everything really moving'... well look, don't ask me because i couldn't quite keep up after that, my perceptions were turned upside down and so i guess i felt a bit dumm that i couldn't grasp much more, i was stuck on these things that smart people call 'atoms'... i don't know much about atoms really, but i know that there are violent and powerful reactions when humans split those tiny itty-bitty things... some folks theorize that the world and cosmos were initially established by such a powerful reaction... who know's, maybe they are right... that's a fight that smart people can have amongst themselves if that's what they require, i'm just trying to figure out how to live a more fruitful life in the little universe around me... but chris' publication and thoughts now have me thinking about certain physical and intellectual limitations to humans, and how we try to shatter limitations for curiosity sake and to shatter physical and informational limitations... i just want to interject that i am most grateful for smart people that invented antibiotic and anti-inflammatory molecules, i'd a been dead many years ago without such things... without those types of things that humans put together to help other suffering and dying humans, some smart people really impress me... and then some don't... what are the coolest inventions that you have witnessed over the course of your lifetime? For me the coolest inventions are the ones that defy human limitations... hellooooo jet-packs... anything that a human can use to smash our typical limitations and actually allow us to sort of fly... well i don't know how to say it really, but how can you not like the idea of flying, i mean that's just something meant for insects and birds and stuff, but not humans... and so chris langan's publications have challenged me to think more about sciencey stuff than i like to... it also challenges me to think about some religiousy things that i don't like to contemplate a whole lot either... right now i am contemplating biblical history, or biblical writings, and some of the 'anti-science' types of things that a simple guy like me might extrapolate from previous reading... i think about the idea or principle of 'the tower of babel' sort of thing, where man tried to get entirely too much knowledge and too much god-like, and all too quick-like, and so the 'god' of my religious preference tells us through our own words says 'hold on just a little minute please', your too busy trying to be smart and climb your way into the heavens and over-exercise your understanding to do stuff that folks have no business doing... to me it was like god was telling man something along the lines of 'hey man, you don't need to be like me and climb up to me with your stinking towers, how about just living and loving each other a little better maybe, and plus there isn't much oxygen up here and you'll be seeing a bad one if you come up much higher', and whatever really happened happened and then a zillion years later nations and states and cities still try to build their best trophies, their biggest buildings ever, and that's nothing that bothers me too much i suppose... but then there is still this sort of god thing that has all of the patience in the world, so it seems, it seems that if an infinite god is actually infinite and time has no bearing or limitations to such a being, and if that god clearly communicated that to us regular old humans, well i dunno, maybe if i'm some sort of smart human maybe i try to build me a fricking time-machine of some sorts... i dunno, chris lloyd and robert downey jr did it, so how hard can it really be, well i'm sure that it's actually wicked hard, and for some humans the need to explore the concept of time and even manipulating time and even moving around in past present and future time... well look, i'm sure that i'm speaking out of my element here because i clearly don't understand time at all, so my bliss is evident in my statements, but part of me is intrigued by such ideas, and then another part of me is saying that both humans and a god are really what's more important than trying to make humans more god-like, anti-biotics and other molecules saved my life more than once so i shouldn't complain too much... trying to make humans more like god seems to be slippery slope that a story of the tower of babel might have been emphasizing... i hate contemplating science and religion and how they commingle, it blows my simple little mind... it's almost as bad as contemplating stuff like atoms and crap... so if you happen to own a time machine please do not invite me to participate in it's use, it just freaks me the hell out i suppose... anyway, please don't take my words for it, i'm a simple guy with simple thoughts and i appreciate other people enough to keep my focus on other people and not becoming more like a god that isn't bound by time... i just have to find my mix of faith versus science and hope that i come out OK in the end... maybe it's just a bit too complicated to be a religiousy person, or maybe it's just too complicated being a sciencey type of person... but it seems that somewhere those two worlds co-exist more than we choose to allow somedays... i'm no smart sciency person so sometimes it's just easier to be more of a religiousy type of person, and for the sciency person maybe it's just too hard to fathom the simplicity of religion and faith, or god... i'm only on page four or five of chris' first big book and he's got me thinking about stuff that my simple mind tries to ignore.  --  ct

07-29-21 still earlyish: Of course democrats are rewarding bad behavior and actions to the folks whose votes they bought... well I don’t know one hundred percent and fully understand who actually buys votes and from whom, but it’s clear that it happens and it’s witnessed by actions and behaviors, and the DNC and their leadership are in far too deep with their socialist and communist associates, so they allow as much as they can tolerate from Marxists, they let the folks that supported them get only as far as majority of citizens will allow, and then leadership pulls in the reigns, but ultimately even leadership takes a bow to highest payers... our current president over here in the USA, well as he announced his cabinet picks the first thing that he did was preach about how much each cabinet member contributed to the campaign, it was a common theme, it’s a common theme because that’s the DNC’s business model, their business plans require sell-out, or reward positions to anyone that helps them the most or helps them the best when they really need help… our former president of the USA had his own wealth and didn’t require special favors for everyone that sent him funds or helped his campaign, that was one of the things that I appreciated about him… everyone that’s a hater at heart loved to expose their jealousy by suggesting that everything that he did was self-serving, DNC utilizes human nature of jealousy and brilliantly executed attacks to foment that message of hate stoked by jealous human nature… DNC strategists are brilliant at exploiting emotional and impulsive deviant behaviors and instincts… did I say ‘brilliant’… I meant fvcking brilliant so thank you for allowing me to correct myself… and it’s that type of exploitation that they masterfully executed by piggy-backing off of covid nineteen (natural disasters and trauma which can be emotionally triggering in itself)… maybe if they don’t brag about ‘never let a good disaster go to waste’ mentality, which should expose their desperation and sh1tty legislation, if they didn’t brag about that type of exploitation that they are very familiar with, and then fvcking go ahead and execute that act of desperation to cause division and separation and destabilization of the very country that I was lucky enough to grow up in, well maybe this terrible little website wouldn’t exist, because I wouldn’t have been one of the people that they triggered during their shameless acts of desperation to unseat the former president… you won’t have to pull that type of sh1t if your ideas are actually good for America, people would just actually really vote for you… when someone shamelessly goes and triggers a combat veteran that has some ptsd issues you never know what could happen… and in my case it seems that after going to the brief but extreme thought of actually considering impulsive actions as a possible options… well look, I guess I’m just happy to say that you are reading the results of this particular combat veterans actions, and what actually happened when I was triggered… after I was triggered by the types of shameless exploitation of human weakness that the DNC leadership and socialist communist associates utilize, well I didn’t go act out in impulsive instinctual actions and do the sorts of things that combat veterans are capable of… in the end it seems that any type of violence triggered by emotion alone is illogical, and that means whether it’s to yourself or someone else… when a combat veteran, or anyone else for that matter, considers themselves to be the biggest problem or obstacle in the world they might be a little right, but the failure of folks that act out in desperation, well the part that we may have lost somewhere along the line is the understanding of self-value, self-worth, and that other real people actually could use you and your help and assistance and understanding and gifts and talents and… well really it’s just you, we don’t know how important we are to others who actually like us and appreciate us, maybe we lose track of the understanding that we are not just here by mistake, maybe we are not just here taking up space, maybe society at large still requires more of you that you don’t really understand quite yet… it’s an easy conclusion to draw when you are told that you are non-mission critical, or maybe if you have been dehumanized by other people’s words and actions and behaviors toward you… it’s pretty fricking easy to give in when self-doubt floods a mind that can only comprehend our own deficiencies and failures and really don’t quite understand that there is a future of opportunity just past the conscious effort to survive and overcome, to adapt and overcome, for continued self-evolution that allows ourselves to take focus of off of self and self-failure, and can realize how and where and why the rest of humanity can still really use you… but when desperation in the face of uncertainty that’s complete absence of hope and understanding, well it’s a real frickin thing that happens to real people every fvcking day… do you have any idea how many veterans and especially combat veterans that commit suicide every fvcking day… well use your big boy and big girl heads to research this internet thingy and read it for your fvcking self already, it’s actually a real thing… it is clearly no joke and no laughing matter… mental health issues grew at alarming rates during covid lock-downs and the fear that was purposely exploited by the DNC leadership and their socialist and communist associates… we all watched it happen, and how incitement was perpetuated by media coverage and other socialist attack dogs… well I’m happy to report that I was one of the lucky ones that escaped with my life and a renewed hope like you can’t even imagine… the sort of emotional exploitation which leads to forms of ‘triggering’ in folks that need assistance by smart people that are equipped to help them might seem like a brilliant use of information and intellect but it’s fvcking sadder than hell when assh0les use their ‘intelligence’ for self-shaming deeds instead of using it for something purposeful… people with the stupidity and audacity to execute mass exploitation of folks that need a little help are exactly the types of folks that socialism and communism will utilize mercilessly to fulfill their desired outcome… well anyways, all I wanted to really do was comment on that news story at the beginning of this crummy blog post… if anyone wonders why I write a bit harshly about the DNC leadership and their mockingbirds that continue to cause division and destabilization in the USA, well now you know a little bit more of my story… so really, I owe it to the DNC leadership and their socialist and communist associates for my career change… maybe you could say that the contents of this simple website were made available by the actions and behaviors of the DNC leadership and their socialist and communist associates, they are brilliant and terribly sad all at the same time… well good talk then... and I hope you are smart enough to know how to utilize your talents wisely and not for shameful actions, some folks never do… even if it sounds a bit stupid or foolish do yourself a favor and write a simple little story of your own, write your own personal covid story, how did such a fearful little germ effect or change your life, it did effect and change your life whether you realize it or not… who the fvck utilizes that sort of thing to exploit political gain and control… let me ask you to consider one more question… who the fvck utilizes exploitation of fear with the tool of a germ for political gain and then wonders why normal people don’t fvcking trust a damn thing that the whitehouse spews about that nasty little germ and the best ways to deal with it… the current administration’s mistrust of the American public is a direct action of the way that they exploited the germ for political gain… who the fvck takes you seriously when normal people see through your acting and manipulation skills… you fvcking did it yourself now own it, maybe even apologize to America for your shameful acts, but when a major political party uses shameful means for desired end results they are too compromised to even understand that there is anything wrong with that sort of thing… destabilizing America is hard to watch, we it’s citizens are worth better/more than that, but DNC leadership doesn’t comprehend it’s shameful actions and behaviors which is evident by supporting socialist and communist methods of emotionally controlling sub servants… most people already understand the DNC’s actions and behaviors, but the ignorant never will.   -- ct

07-29-21 a wee bit later: so look, i don't pretend to know and understand all of the 'resources' that the DNC leadership utilized and organized and bought votes from, i know they had more than their fare share of literally dead people who seemed to vote for them, as well as lot's of other people who had literally moved already to other states where they could legally vote again, yes, despite popular opinion these are among the demographics that always show up to vote, and the more dense the population the more dead folks and folks that live in other states seem to show up to vote somehow, or maybe it's just through those absentee ballots but i suppose smart people are figuring that sort of stuff out already... but then if you also consider folks who are in desperate poverty, which includes lots of unfortunately otherwise homeless folks that unfortunately have no literal legal addresses to send important and legal documents to and from, and if you don't have a real legitimate and legal address, or if you are afraid to give your real legitimate legal home address it really makes it hard for folks that might just need a little more help than others to things like getting proper identification, and whether they really need proper identification to just live their lives in another debate that some smart people have engaged i'm sure, but i'm glad to see that some of the DNC's associates do things that other real charities have been doing and have been trying to do for millennia, helping folks that they know require help, i love a good charity that demonstrates their heart and motives rather than governments that demand it, but that's just a personal preference thing for me, but something within me just has to give to a good charitable cause, and even when you don't have a couple of dimes to rub together you will always know that some folks actually have it quite worse than we do... i challenge the reader to visit deep within impoverished nations, not just the touristy spots and resorts... but the point about the DNC and the folks who help them to 'secure the vote' and the demographics that they exploit/help depending on your perspective, well the point is that they are very well at organizing and do whatever it takes to scrape up a victory when they are absolutely convinced that they must do so... and look, i am certainly not a political insider or contributor in any way shape or form other than my votes and my understanding, so i said that last little bit to say that i know damn well that trump ran on a 'drain the swamp' message which was a direct attack and declaration of war to many that hated/hate him... that sort of lingo might get my feathers ruffled up a bit if i don't like you or your policies to begin with... that's sort of an ego driven challenge to opposition, and so 'game on' are words that come to my mind... and so i really do sort of see what that sort of ego driven statement would trigger an appropriate response, i'd have to give trump a big F-YOU right back at him with that type of challenge, but then at the same time you must consider that i am of similar mentality type of fighter and so the message of 'drain the swamp' speaks to a guy like me, a guy like me that is just a regular old unimportant person with no 'power' or 'social' and 'financial' monopolies... so that sort of drain the swamp message and act of war speaks to me and says 'look i don't need their money so i'm just gonna fvck up their little social and financial monopolies and i'm just gonna do whats best for our country and what's best for you it's citizens'... and that's sort of what speaks to me through a drain the swamp challenge to his political and social opposites, of course they are going to go fvcking hard at someone that declares war on them, but then they just went a bit too far with this genetics and demographic (me), it hit a bit too close to home when they tried to shame everyone that agreed on any of his perspectives for whatever reasons that we had, yup, they attacked the very core foundations of the religious preference that i live, they attacked the sh1t out of anyone for any reason that was going to or who had planned to vote for our former president... your own personal war against trump's ego and the methods that you utilized to achieve such results is pretty much what pushed me over the top, when folks play with 'emotional fire' and are ill prepared for consequences of their actions, and to such a magnitude... well whatever... history is history and i'm all about new beginnings after the emotional trigger that they pushed on me and millions of other americans, yup, history might be behind us, but i owe it to the DNC leadership and their socialist and communist associates for this new perception/outlook that i have on life, they are a clever bunch indeed, they taught me well.  --  ct

07-29-21 just a bit later: thank you linked-in for trying to corral my enthusiasm, i'm not really interested in reaching a huge audience with your platform, but i appreciate our time together, i will push the envelope of your platform until you decide that you've had enough... you use me for information gathering and other sorts of things, and now i just use you for a bit of free cheap advertising, if a small percentage of 'professional networked' folks have read anything then i've already done than it's already enough... i'm no longer a career oriented human and no longer require your social experiment... money comes when it needs to, and the whole career thing has distracted me for entirely too long... i've already poked at enough people that know me and may or may not appreciate me, and analytics suggest that i may not require anyone else's platform any longer... it doesn't take a ton to throw together a crappy website and then just have-at-it... i have either the best or the worse business plan that only someone with my lack of business expertise can utilize... thank you nicely for sending me that little article about using your platform to reach folks for nice networking types of stuff, i really appreciate it but i only know how to move in a straight path when i am focused as i am now... i have several deficiencies and handicaps and dysfunctions and i'm transparent about them and unashamed, i'm learning to work with the simple gifts that i have and am 'mission focused' like never before, i was emotionally triggered by shameful acts of sh1tty politicians and strategists, and i just simply have to write... please kick me off of your platform at your earliest convenience because i will offend liberals and marxists and others that also use your platform, they don't even know why i am really offending them yet, well a couple of them do already, but i'm glad that you are trying to tame me a bit with your nice article, i appreciate your effort or warning but i'm not a people pleaser sort of guy really... so it's not you, it's probably me, and please do what you must when your patience finally wears thin, but maybe my next article will be a bit more comprehensive and understood... BTW, i hope you enjoy my new 'position', well really it's a job title... i have been assigned the responsibility of being a 'political and behavioral analyst' so now there will be no more misunderstanding each other, i am what i am and won't try to hide it... man it's tough owning a small business, you have a ton of hats to wear as they say... and now i have to add political and behavioral analyst to my many other responsibilities... good grief. -- ct

 

07-29-21 laterish: so if i try to pick back up on a couple of langan's topics which might be a couple of things that i'm just going to call science/technology and religion, if i try to stay on those simple themes and how there might be examples of an inner struggle in my life i might say that i have every intention of studying medical science when i began my huge college educational career... when i began college i knew that i knew that i knew that i was going to be a medical doctor, ultimately i just wanted to be a primary care physician, i hated science and math but whatever... i won't go much more into my secondary education career but i'll just say that when i withdrew from college shortly following the official withdrawal date i had achieved a huge zero-point-zero GPA, that's what happens when you quite college in your first semester, and when you quite right after the official withdrawal date... so it should be known to the reader that you are not reading the words of a smart guy, i dropped out of college man... and so this sort of first part of my story collides with the second part which is what some folks might call a religious conversion of sorts, well i was introduced to the bulk of my religious preference as a child through a certain type of denomination of the same religious philosophy, but several years later i sort of heard it all over but for the first time type of thing, and whatever it was that i actually experienced was the beginning of a slow but steady sort of religious thing or understanding or evolution or whatevs... and then this sort of immediate inner conflict began when the science majors had to attend the annual Darwin Convention, and then i didn't even give the brilliant darwin guys a chance, there was this immediate preconceived perception that Darwin's theory of evolution was just plain old wrong, and then second of all i hate conventions, so that didn't help either, and third of all dyslexia types of things were kicking my ass, and sixth of all i just simply wasn't the type of person that could work a full time job to pay bills while i also tried to go to school full time to utilize GI Bill and Army College Funds, and then second of all i knew damm well that i wasn't quite ready or prepared to begin college at that point, i felt a bit overly encouraged to do so, and then third of all... well look, i don't need to try to cover every aspect of why i did, fifth of all i should have recognized and dealt with certain types of traumas or ‘unfinished business’ as i like to say... but again, whatevs for now... so if i'm really just trying to draw some type of personal example from i'm ascertaining so far from langan's publications i would say that the religious faith beat that of the science replacement, for me at the time it was one or the other and i just had a crazy religious sort of thing and that was about as much as me simple brain could handle if it were the choice between the two... life did not really seem to get easier for me in many respects immediately following my conscious effort to embrace a type of Christianity, as far as a new perception of life was concerned, well maybe life got a bunch easier, but i still had no clue where my place was in this world, i didn't know how i was supposed to fit in, i guess i never really did at all unless there was a reward system or instant gratification or a learned give-and-take sort of thing... but i'll say that after many challenges to the core foundations of my religious preference that i haven't been persuaded away or against or for further review, it's been a bunch of rocky years between the mid 90's and now but i'm still open to other ideas, and even if we agree to disagree i will still love like your a real person no matter, because we are really just equals of different understandings as far as i'm concerned, but my religious philosophy isn’t really all that complicated, it’s just that Jeshua HaMashiach and he lived a life example of his message and... well that’s about it really... and then so if I want to take another aspect of my life and dump it with the two themes above, and how they might to relate to langan’s publications I would say that I ended up in some sorts of technology jobs eventually too, it didn’t feel a whole lot like a conscious decision though, it was just through slow exposure to various types of technology as employment opportunities opened, and then learning more about the aspects that challenged my job requirements, and then chasing after other learning opportunities as I could handle... technology sucks because it forces one to learn new languages and if you are the type similar to me learning new languages doesn’t come easy... language seems secondary in many respects, new vocabulary isn’t always easy and langan is showing me that again, but I won’t try to retain much of his vocabulary, it make my head squirm a bit... one particular challenge and example of such was just taking a silly Microsoft certification course, the technical material contained within the actual exam wasn’t challenging but what was difficult about the exam itself was that it was mostly or entirely written by folks that English was their second language, and so the challenge to me was reading within their vague and different vocabulary structure to figure out what they were really asking... I didn’t have to try to learn a whole programming language to pass a simple exam but I had to read within their language to understand what they really needed as an answer... I really hated that, but just passing the silly thing the first time was a bit of validation and confidence, and all I really did was end up providing technical assistance to folks that required it, that was about all, and it was enough... I will say that the inviting pull of technology and it’s own language within could not supersede religion, in my case technology offered a gratification when you understand the language and how to utilize it as a tool, but a combination of science and technology would not suffice as an adequate replacement for religion, science relates to religion and religion to science, and science relates to technology and it’s language structure, but technology does not directly relate to religion except through the language of science... and so maybe if I could try to tie in science and religion and technology I would say that I am mostly clueless about all of them but they are all intriguing and validating, so far religion feels as if it supersedes the others, yet science as it relates to natural reality can’t be denied, but using science to supersede religion is futile at it’s core, the language of science is only limited to human comprehension and the preconceived theories that we utilize it for... well look, I’m just reading a bit of langan’s works and can only comprehend what I’m capable of comprehending but so far I just enjoy reading him make his case, that guy is pretty frickin smaht and he makes my noggin rattle a bit, so far I think that I understand his plea but time will tell... have you been challenged by religion and the sciences including technology? Don’t be afraid of a good challenge, embrace it and then come out of the other side knowing why it was worth the challenge... understanding the values in successful challenges will yield unending surprises and a lifetime of education... so how about getting off your fvcking arse and allow yourself to be challenged again, or for the first time... sitting on your ass helps no one ever, well technically speaking I am sitting on my old ars right now and I know that it is helping someone somewhere, so forget that other last part... but it appears that I’m slouching so I need to get up about now, that’s a scientific fact you know, maybe... get off your lazy ass and search for a way to challenge your mind and body, they both require challenges more than we may like or think, and that’s officially scientifical... please accept my challenge to you, you are far too important to stagnate and waste. -- ct

07-28-21: so it seems like the technology and accounts that i use to simply write on this crummy boring website is already meeting resistance, it's always been expected, but now being realized... i may or may not utilize other ways to simply publish the simple contents that i typically dump on this simple website... time will tell but this first week of resistance is a bit frustrating to some degree... i am no threat to anyone, unless your actions and behaviors warrant a little bit of a reality check... so what's the harm in that... well the harm in that is apparently being realized by someone somewhere that is trying to frustrate me... life can be full of frustrations, but time is short, and so we do what we do in spite of, not what opposition subjects us to... anyways, sometimes i hate technology, it can be a bit frustrating.  --  ct

07-28-21 later:  so the way that i like to, or usually write is to start with one or two ideas or thoughts, and then open this crappy web editing tool, and then just have at it, i just take my simple idea or two and then make a conscious decision to do something with those ideas or thoughts, and then just dump whatever happens next onto this crummy website... that's not the most prudent expenditure of energy and knowledge, but it's just the way that i write, its just fact that that's what i do... now as far as security breaches and other technological obstacles might be concerned, well my normal way of writing isn't very smart... and as far as trying to put a carefully crafted and edited and perfected wrapper around my executed end result may be, well, it seems thats not very prudent either... i have no motives for my writing other than i think a bunch of it is straight-up truth and in some ways and some ideas i simply think that some of my perspectives are worth sharing to my kids, and anyone else who cares to read... and so with an understanding of the reality that time is a gift and it's not my own to determine, well i just write what i think is important and when it bothers me enough to get it out of my head, there is no brilliancy in any particular aspect of anything reason that i write, or how i do it, or anything for that much, but my writing 'normalcy' i subjected to technological hurdles and so i might change my approach of my new normal to a newer normal that's probably a bit more prudent, in some respects... good grief i hate technology sometimes.  --  ct

07-28-21 laterer:  so i almost want to say that i'm flattered by online surveillance and technical frustrations, but they just become different challenges really, and so maybe just don't feel quite as threatened by my words and online presence... i haven't even registered with the big search engines yet, i knew this was inevitable but surprised that it happened before i registered with the important web people... challenges are happily accepted but will only slow me down... so how about maybe not feeling as threatened as you might feel about me ideas... how about reading in between my lines and words and see if anything works it's way into your heart... i'm glad that i 'challenged' you and that you have accepted my challenge, but read more of my words and hear the reasons of why i write what i write... don't just read my words, but hear my heart through them... i love you more than you think.  --  christopher

07-28-21 later than before:  come on man, quit screwing with my internet and anti-virus and trying to hack the website... i mean, how threatening is a wee little man with no power... i mean seriously, how much of a threat do you think that i am... i'm pretty much about the most insignificant person that you've probable ever met, so why are you so threatened with my words... how about just contact me with the crummy form that i provided and let's have some real dialog... teasing each other is just nonsense... but i love you no matter how much you push back... in fact you might be the only reason why this website even exists... just send my a note, i typically don't bite.  --  ct

07-28-21 a bit more later:  i hope that you've sort of figured out that if i don't challenge every reader in some respect or another then maybe i failed some way or another... but failure can't really be measured because some of my direct and indirect challenges have been met, and the folks that i've inspired or challenged to quit just being the same old you... well some of those folks have stories of their own to embrace... and so mission has already been accomplished... everything else is icing on the cake, so to speak... and that's why i write... i'm actually trying to inspire you whether it feels like it or not... i'm not the only person in the world that required/requires some help... i'm just dumm enough to be open and transparent about it... what's your lazy-ass been putting off too long... why have you been so comfortable for so long... why aren't you allowing yourself to be challenged more often... what is so scary about change and personal growth... and why are you still thinking that i'm the only fool and that your not foolish about many things yourself... what is it about my words that you hate but still know that it's true some how and some way... consider yourself challenged and let me know sometime if you want, but i don't need to know who and how and why, i just have to be me and do me things... well anyways it seems that i've been motivated for change in my life and understanding in many respects... if my harsh words poked you in your eye, well good, it's up to you to know why my harsh words spoke to you, and feelings don't count, they are just mere reactions to stimuli and tell you more about yourself then you might realize... good talk then.  --  ct

07-27-21: so this is tuesday, hmm, well nearly six hours of sleep ought to be enough for today, some-days two hours of broken up sleep will just have to do... i'll take the six, maybe i won't require much coffee today, but time will tell, high blood pressure doesn't dig coffee as much as my taste buds do, but an anxiety filled over-busy lifestyle that is sustained by caffeine is only sustainable for so long, and then high blood pressure feels like the wake-up call that i required to make any changes necessary that contributed to where i am at today... well that's what it feels like anyway, it sort of feels like that when you are old and past your prime and look back and see that you have been doing many many things that are unhealthy and kept my focus away from the things around me that are most important in life... but it's not coffee's fault, it's mine... coffee and i have a love/hate relationship...when you realize how compromised i had become, and look back at why i think i had gotten to where i currently find myself, well i'm just glad that after three or four hours of sleep i don't commute over an hour away in sh1tty traffic to a job that i'm doing because i think that the job is the place that i need to work at... not sure how that statement sounds to you, but i will tell you self-employment is the greatest sense of freedom that an american can embrace, the road to self-employment is smooth for some folks, and painful and scary for folks like me, and so when you are used to anxiety (which can be a bit of 'scary' types of feelings), and mix that in with painful hardships of all types... well what else does a person have to experience to understand that there might be a better way to go about making myself useful to society... anyways, self-employment, you might try it sometime if you never have, it's not super scary to begin if you know that you have something to offer the world, everyone does, and i'm sure that you are full of talents and skills and understanding that are quite useful to many other people... i'm working on a book that i think will be my second print worthy publication and it's based on work experience, it's really a long crummy resume of sorts, i',m not using names and dates and people's names and i'm not using it to lash back at folks that i had differences with, it's not a bully platform, it might be a funny read to actual real professional types of people, and others that might know me, and it will be eye-opening to some folks that maybe recently began their careers, time will tell... but my professional resume didn't have an adequate section to write history like 'shoveling snow' for neighbors in arlington, ma when i was just a wee-lad, and then there was that stint that i did washing dishes for one small restaurant, and then i took care of cleaning floors and emptying soiled laundry form a small hospital for a bit too, those sorts of things were just as important and foundational in my earliest days of working as they are today, because they are a part of me and a part of my history... so a book it will be, what a nasty long resume it will be for future employers... if you want my resume and my employment services you are stuck with all of me, i can only compartmentalize so much of my life for so long before i make compromises to myself and to you if i have to hide or hold back too much of who i am, it's just not healthy for me, i'm done trying to multi-task to the point of exhaustion... everyday... i'll tell you, i get mentally/emotionally drained to exhaustion when i 'work' in a busy and overstimulating environment that demands more and more of my energy, i can't consume enough calories to exert the energy of rubbing all of my brain cells together for sustained periods of time... me simple brain can't handle an urban lifestyle for very long, me brain requires some peace and quiet and not lot's of busy distractions... see, i told you i was just simple... anyway, greetings Tuesday, my name is chris and i hope you enjoy our time together, we've got about seventeen more hours so let's see what good we can make of our time together... i've got chores, responsibilities, and a cool guy that has modified his career to help veterans that struggle with anxiety and crap like that has carved out some important time to spend with me too, that guy caught on to what types of things are really important in life and is doing something about it, i wish i had focused on a career change like that when i was a younger lad... if i hadn't made it clear in previous posts i am just an old middle-aged white american male, and even though i self-identify as 'white' it seems that i am actually 'very light rose' after all and not really white at all... if you look at Crayola Crayons 'Colors of the World' collection you might find my actual skin tone... but that's as irrelevant as much as your skin color, we all have skin and i ended up with something between 'whiter than white' and 'very light rose', and so i probably appreciate your skin tone more than mine because the sun and i have a love/hate relationship... it seems to hate me sometimes... but back to the bigger point, i joined the US Army after a short summer's break when i was wicked young, and i served out my contractual obligations but not after a few trauma type of ordeals and mix that in with a short stint on a battlefield in a desert in a foreign land and a little bit of sh1tiness involved over there, and then you end up with an old 'white' guy like me, who is making some changes in my life/lifestyle some thirty years later... you might say that it's about damn time already, and i say you are right, i'm a bit of a late-learner, a slow learner, and a guy that learns most things the hard way, hopefully you are smarter than me and learn more things earlier in life that i did... and if not, well that's why i write... and i also write to tell other veterans that suffering in silence is a terrible way to live your life, mental anguish and turmoil and having a hard time doing what most other people are capable of doing and hoping that things will just change on their own is literally the definition of insanity... time heals lot's of pain, but when pain is a huge part of you you might not have as much time as you think, well not if you want to get back to a more healthy and productive life... suffering in silence and not doing anything about can lead to years lost, years lost to trying to process weird things and events and circumstances and pain that may have happened years ago, if part of you died in a trauma or past experiences then you owe it to yourself to get a bit more healthy and there are lot's of folks that really actually want to help us out, and it's really not hard to find them, but healing begins the second that you realize that you really require help... some of us really require help and any preconceived notions about how tough you are and how frail humans really are, well somewhere in the middle is the real you, and i challenge you to go find it... i challenge you to put away tough ass ego, and i challenge you to make yourself and your own health a priority again, and i challenge you to get off your ass and just do something about it... the folks at a 'vet center' are helping me navigate through stormy seas... i'm an open book, and i'm an open book for you, and that's why i write... i write because you are worth the effort... peace out. -- ct

07-27-21 later:  oh my frickin poor simple and inadequate mind... oh my word... so i picked back up on one of chris langan's publications and it's really just notes assembled from or for a presentation that he gave only a short time ago to a group of folks that hopefully had brains and intellect that he appears to posses... i hope that the attendees and other participants of that gathering heard his heart through the intellect, oh my frickin word... and so he's got my attention and now i will have to go through as many of his publications that me simple mind can embrace, but i really like that guy, so far... i mean i'm not even that far into this small group of notes that he complied to put together some presentation... i haven't read enough into anything about him to see if he subscribes to any particular type of religion himself, but so far i'm impressed... and if any folks that subscribe to more government types of philosophies maybe you could pick up just a simple compilation of notes that were assembled for the purpose of a presentation to a bunch of smart folks... oh my word, mind blown, so far... time will tell... wait, so i just read bit more, and then to stop and go back to the abstract... and so far this seems to be a cry to smart people and hopefully most of us 'not' as smart people that humans rely on 'metareligion' for the continuation of more humans, and how technology is approaching a dangerous point of putting itself over metareligion by just using straight-up invented logic... or something like that, i think, i sort of svck at math and so i haven't touched his earliest publications based on the way that he calculated an existence of a god... i don't know how much i can really follow any of that mathy heady stuff, but now i have to try... dang it... he sucked me in and now i require more, so more is what i will embrace, but so far i read this one paper as a cry out for the survival of the human race... i think.  --  ct

07-27-21 laterer: good talk 'cook', your a blessing to work with... i hate that i have chores now, i really want to pick up where i left off with c langan's brief from 2018, so far it appears that he understands lots of things about people and religion and technology and socio... well don't take my word for it, read it for yourself, but warning... he's wicked smaht and his smart vocabulary makes me and my mind slow down a bit, sometimes a lot, but i love to hear someone that's really smart use vocabulary and sentence structure like this (he makes me feel a little better) " Accordingly, it can be understood as a kind of...", i think for me i appreciate when smart people use words like "as a kind of", that part was very helpful, he does speak my language, somehow every now and again, but he's crazy brilliant so far, but then context is sometimes important, but then when you really read into his words the context sort of speaks for itself, he thinks religion is smart and that there is some type of god, and that there are other things which are evident that are contrary to the human need and longing for those things, and he seems concerned enough that he prepared some information that he shared at some gathering and i kind of dig it, so far... BTW, i'm not sure if i'm ever going to land the gig to be the next personality on 'The View', i know i'm grasping for the stars perhaps, but i would even dress up as some sort of woman to fit in with them all, if that's what they required... but i'm afraid that i probably won't get that job, i love entertainment, but when entertainment mixes with politics things can get gross real quick, but i'm not much of an entertainer and not much of a politicker so i don't know that they'd really even consider me, but i'd take that gig maybe if they could work it out with my agent and all, my agent's name is chris and he has the identical genetic makeup as me, well OK it's really just me, i'm just a self employed person and an unemployed agent and writer, or whatever... but i'd love to be a regular on the view, they would love me and i will love you all right back... i love people with different perspectives but sneaky inciting fvckers sometimes gets my blood to boil, anyways, hello, the view people, call me, we might need each other somehow someway. -- ct

07-26-21: so this is my random blog section which means that i'm not writing about any one particular subject or topic, i just write about, well whatever, really... so when i write about 'whatever' i do so because it's therapeutic for me to express myself, i deal with some sort of genetic deficiencies such as an overactive mind, many children deal with that to and some to the extent where some laboratory collected or enhanced molecules are prescribed to help with such an issue... and then there is this sort of other communication problem that i deal with which i am beginning to learn a bit more about, some folks call it a variation of autism or certain symptoms and variations of something similar to that... and so somewhere in the cloud of age and understanding and trying to learn how to articulate myself in a writing style and format that i am capable of... well that's a bit why i have to write often, those are facts not necessarily motivators for writing, it's that i seem to feel some sort of need to express what's brewing inside my noggin and otherwise i feel a bit like im dying a painful slow death... so anyways that's all just to explain why i have a section called random blog, in many respects this whole website is a random blog, but some sections are a bit more specific about some sorts of passions or understanding that i choose to express myself about, well i suppose this whole website is some sort of reflection of my safe place, it's my safe place where an old guy can journal away at things that a guy like me requires journaling about... i'm pretty darn new at journaling, it's a strange sort of concept to someone that just want's to live life and not slow down enough to take it for what life has to offer, journaling is a strange way of expressing things that are important to you, and it seems to be helpful for a veteran that deals with some symptoms that are clumped together as ptsd, it seems that writing or expressing myself the ways that i know how has been helpful to me, and i'm just a simple guy living in an overly-complicated world with no one directly in front of me explaining everything that i am witnessing and experiencing and feeling... and so that's why i write... so to prove just how random this blog is, today's sort of randomness is music and it's communication style and methods and the way that it speaks to me... i never studied music so i can't give you much useful insight about it really, but to me music can be as literal as artistic expression utilizing various instruments or vocalizations, or a mixture of both, and utilizing complex rhythms of varying pitches and harmonies, so that's sort of my interpretation of music sometimes, sometimes it's just a bunch of numbers and measurements and timing, but mostly it's a bunch of awesome noises that speak to me and make me want to join in to some degree or another... sometimes i have to get my jam on and turn up music loudly and sometimes even sing with it and other times even want to dance along with it... sometimes music get's stuck in my noggin because of the ways or way that it spoke to me... this morning's drive back from helping a friend with basic transportation needs included lot's of overly loud music that made me want to sing and dance, and it all came from a brilliant marketing and money making venture that the folks who are responsible for the sound track from the movie guardians of the galaxy, it's the marvel people really... the marvel organization does a great job telling stories that appeal to various human instincts and experiences using all sorts of communication techniques, they get to me really good sometimes, sometimes it's audio and visual, sometimes it's the messages and some of the stories within the stories, sometimes it pulls at various human behavior and gives multiple types of people and behaviors and attitudes all something that they can relate to and appreciate... and then some movies and forms of entertainment and communication do the whole spectacle, they give you the full experience that touches sensations like audio visual and they hit on various ways to communicate to various people using human experiences and understanding... and probably much more, but i think the guardians of the galaxy movies are brilliant and some of the messages are suitable for younger viewing audiences with the assistance of parental figures that can help people navigate through the big spectacle, and then some parts of the movies are for a bit more mature audiences but the gaurdians of the galaxy movies get me especially with the music... back to music... i've appreciated music from a young age and so the sound track called 'awesome mix vol. 1' includes many songs from an error that i remember sometimes better than others, but the soundtrack is all that was speaking to me today... i had to get my jam on, i gave into the whole audio sensation with music up louder than anyone around me needed to hear, and the timing and the rythms and the pitches and fluctuations came together in the way that those recording artists so wonderfully executed... i had to turn up some of those songs up loud as they spoke to me... and then something else happened at the same time that i was getting my jam on and cranking up the tunes and sometimes even singing and sometimes even getting most of the words correct and the timing right... something else happened in the middle of all of that... i was driving twenty five percent faster than local law allows on that particular street, there are real actual laws that govern how fast is too fast in some areas based on variables that not everyone is aware of or remembers, so there are these things called speed limits and sometimes they seem to make sense and other times they don't, and sometimes they seem to fit our needs and other times they don't... well anyways, it seems that there are many laws that govern certain things for certain reasons whether or not we understand all of the important variables or not, and i can tell you i have made many compromises to myself and other people because i was overly distracted by things like music, to me the word 'compromise' is what happens when someone chooses to either do what they know is right or when we choose to do something that we know is wrong... when i make a moral compromise or maybe even a legal compromise sometimes i require a good swift kick in my english/irish/italian ass perhaps, because sometimes i forgot what was really right or what is really wrong, the older that i get and the more real that i get with myself i have been discovering all sorts of compromises that i have made along my life, and which one's i am still in the middle of, right now my whole lifestyle is stuck in may compromises that i will be able to change over the course of the next couple of years... well look, this random blog post is really about music and the way that some of the songs on awesome mix vol. 1 spoke to me, but then i realized how much something that i really like was distracting me from doing what i know is right or wrong for the safety of myself or others, and the i suppose that it got me thinking about the sorts of moral or legal compromises that some folks make all of the time... if you have been compromised by the inability to control certain impulses that you have made legal compromises to attain then the very presence of a law enforcement professional can make some people sh1t their draws, and then if someone is willing to address their own compromises their actions and behavior prove whether or not to address the change that they require, if you run from police or LEOs your compromise is exposed, if you choose to stand your ground and challenge the cops then you don't know how much help you might require... if you surrender and say 'yeah i was fvcking up and i know it' then you might just need a little steering and guidance to get through the moral and legal compromises that you found yourself in... so maybe today's random blog post has a bit more than just randomness... but it certainly felt random when i began this post... anyways, the clock is ticking away and i suppose i require a bit of food consumption, so please pardon my abrupt ending.  --  ct

07-26-21 later: there is no reason why that technical thing just happened, did i already poke enough hornets nest to invite hacking or surveillance... crap... i think so... i know this will happen, but how soon and to what degree were always my questions... crap... well i have too much to write about to stop now, so it is what it is i suppose.  --  ct

07-26-21 a bit more laterer: conratufvcking-lations to the folks that are finally getting behind the sleeze of hunter biden's latest form of family type of employment... most normal people could tell that hunter biden is still troubled to the bone, and too compromised to get himself re-calibrated right now, and so smart people do the sorts of things that are required to let other people know that powerful people with powerful ties find new and creative ways of exploiting anything and everything that's required to satisfy their ego, and so there is the story to the hyper-link provided above... if your ego requires far too much wealth to sustain your lifestyle then you do what you must to sustain that, and then some folks that are like that actually understand that already and still live lives worthy of their existence... life lesson number 730 for my kids 'don't follow hunter biden's business plans or role model, they could lead you down a slippery slope that is difficult for some people to get back out of', that's my life lesson, so maybe i'll just tuck this post under that section of this crummy website, yup, i will... and if i had the ear of hunter himself i would tell you that you are never too old or too compromised to just get real with yourself and the road that it took you to become the person that you are today, you are never too old for that sort of thing young man, there is more help available to you than what you've encountered you just don't know it yet, keep searching brother, life get's much easier when you get your ego and priorities re-calibrated my friend... hate me all you want but i still love you right back... i hope i fvcking challenge more than one person in the world to get a bit better... there are complete polar opposites in life (as far as i'm concerned) and those complete polar opposites are comfort and challenge, and i hope that i can motivate at least one more person to push past their comfort zone and get fvcking challenged again, many people like me require that sort of thing, and some of us more than others... i hope to challenge any and every reader because you are important enough to do so, i don't care if you hate me, i'm just clearly not a people pleaser, there are far too many of those folks in the world already... and that's why i write. -- ct

07-26-21 later than before: this one qualifies for a 'life lesson' so even though it sounds political in nature it still unpacks important life lessons regarding the dissemination of factual information versus propagandizing entertainment, so here goes ... holy smokes... this was a real good read and totally appropriate for the state of media affairs and how they are utilized in politics... one major political party out of the two is quite awesome at exploiting most major news media outlets, yes the DNC, and then republicans and any one else that identifies with conservative politics is stuck with only a few... there is almost no one anywhere that will report straight down unbiased information because biased opinion is simply unavoidable the more information that we are exposed to, most media outlets that disseminate public information are motivated by money and money is controlled by powerful rich people typically and so even unbiased reporting is reported on someone else's biased beliefs and opinions and permission... anyways, if anything that i just wrote makes sense then read this article and try to follow along, those smart folks articulate things better than me. -- ct

07-26-21 just a bit later:  so i'm working on a self-betterment idea of sorts... you see, i am technically a self-employed web-publisher, it's a tiny organization really, and so what i'm trying to say is that even someone that owns and operates small tiny businesses should have some sort of job requirements and titles, job requirements and titles are important sorts of things for most people that require employment and employment opportunities... i have a bunch of old random one's to pull from a weird sort of resume and working history, but i'm not into real employment as far as some people see it... i'm beginning to see the value of self-employment and am transitioning into that type of stuff as i write, i'm still looking for employment opportunities and i'm working with some real professional helpful people that focus on that kind of expertise, to some degree i think i am unemployable, and then to another degree i know that i have some value left to give this world somehow and really maybe just trying to find out how i fit in and can provide important things for my closest family... but besides employment things are concerned i'm thinking that maybe about all i have left to offer this world is the simple uneducated words that are stuck in my head, and so maybe self-employment is the best place for me, but time will tell... but if job titles are important for employment then in my self-employed world i am flirting with the idea of a new sort of job title, maybe like 'political and behavioral observerer' or something like that maybe, and really, if that's a part of what i am already doing on this website then i owe it to myself and anyone that cares to read that i'm officially acknowledging a part of what i'm actually doing... if that's what i'm really doing then i might as well just keep doing it and give myself a new title to celebrate, except i'm not into self celebration and i don't give a crap about job titles... but it's still important to say what you are and state what you are doing and so it seems that i have passions that won't quit for some political sorts of things and especially more religious types of stuff too, they are both a big part of me, and all of me was born and raised in the united states of america, and so that's a big part of me, and so i shouldn't make it any type of secret or surprise to say that god and country are huge motivators for me on a personal level, and that everything that i do is somehow for my family, and so there is always that aspect... so whether or not i give myself a new job title or just a new job requirement remains to be seen but time will tell, anyways, wish me luck with my employment endeavors, i clearly require it, and wisdom is always appreciated...

... and then if i want to get real about politics and running for office i would tell you that i have to run on some tickets that is full of preconceived expectations, and my public image would have to be so ridiculously distracting that only people that are capable of seeing past distractions would ever really listen... i have no political ambitions really... and if i ever do i would require a tie-dyed suit for proper dress code for every public appearance, maybe even huge frickin plastic glasses and a huge abe lincoln sized hat full of nature sorts of things or maybe even led lights or something... i would require to promote my public image as that of a fool to keep people that can't see past visual appearance to listen to the words and heart of a regular person... most people have difficulty judging a book by it's cover and i would require that from any possible constituents, frankly i don't give a crap what i look like but most people do, most people require that if they aren't really into honesty and transparency and motivators... my particular ego requires cheap walmart purchased clothing and tie-dyed fancier clothing, except for weddings, i'm willing play nice for weddings and things that honor other people, but that's about it.  --  ct

07-26-21 just a minute or two later than last time:  so i like to challenge people and offer various forms of what i like to call a 'wake up call', there is probably an official name for what i'm trying to explain, but i will simply just call it 'challenging' people, there are many people that make themselves open to public scrutiny because that's what happens when anyone opens there mouth in front of real people... i like to challenge folks that require challenging of some sorts too... i won't go privately to engage him about this sort of thing, but when one of the worlds smartest people states that he can actually prove that a god exists, but then totally punts when it comes time to say which religious philosophy is the most right, or which ones are the most wrong... who gives a fvck if you can prove anything or not, don't be afraid to take it a step further unless you are more afraid of getting your answer wrong than i am... he's a strong big guy that can handle himself quite well and was afraid to take the next step other than being able to mathmatically prove anything, maybe all that he proved was that there is something more than we all know and so there is a god of some type, or maybe there is a god that speaks to everyone but to everyone in different ways, the way that we each require, or maybe he's so fvcking blown away by what he 'figured out' that he just can't say anymore about it... i'm probably just whiney about my challenge because i suck at math and christopher michael langan is wicked good at it, and so i probably cannot comprehend his explanation, but grow a fvcking pair of something and give us the next book man, tell us what you know about god or any particularly useful or harmful religions (09-14-21 UPDATE: he has, and he has been for many years to some audiences, but if you dig a bit more into his works and where to find many of them you can read for yourself, a bunch of them are on www.ctmu.org, he clearly favors a religion of sorts that are similar to my preferred, but you have to research and read, i would recommend paying the fees to their patreon account, it's pretty minimal dollar amount to do so) ... tell us simple folks what we are missing, you are clearly able to comprehend more things than most folks so please share all that you can... life is short and time is short so please help me through your wisdom and knowledge and understanding, and then just say 'shit i don't know' when you just don't know... but i hate a teaser when someone has proof but doesn't give me the rest of the story (09-14-21 UPDATE: he has, and he has been for many years to some audiences, but if you dig a bit more into his works and where to find many of them you can read for yourself, a bunch of them are on www.ctmu.org, he clearly favors a religion of sorts that are similar to my preferred, but you have to research and read, i would recommend paying the fees to their patreon account, it's pretty minimal dollar amount to do so), i already downloaded some of his publications, now i'll try to read them, i just hope i can see through his communication style, that can be frickin hard with some really smart folks, well wish me luck then...

... alright, chris langan is officially smart in my perspective and i think i understand his communication style but he uses words that i have to look up sometimes... he can tell me to remove this small portion of one of his publications if he wants to, but this little tiny bit within the fist page or two stands out to me, whadaya think:

"

In mainstream social and economic theory, a human being is understood as a mechanistic automaton driven by individual self-interest and governed by impersonal laws of nature and rules of behaviorism. Human automata are subject to conditioning on the basis of individual self-interest, which is a function of the individual’s pleasure and happiness, freedom from want, pain, and sadness, and standards of biological fitness including survival and reproduction, all of which inhabit a standardized economy with a monetary metric. Man is thus simplistically viewed as an economic agent subject to monetary control, through centralization of which the entire future of mankind can in principle be mechanistically determined by the calculated pushing of buttons. Obviously, this dualistic view of man represents a complete negation of human dignity and sovereignty, reducing the human race to cattle. It is also incompatible with any kind of religion other than that referred to by Marx as an “opiate of the masses”.

"

... it would be highly irresponsible of me to to ascertain or extrapolate too much information from such a small part of his publication but the very fact that the last sentence even exists is a bit telling in some respects, the fact that marx is so contradictory to any major or serious 'religion' is a bit telling and relevant to some degree... but yeah, that langan guy is pretty damn smart if you ask me, but i need to keep reading because i just began.  --  ct

07-26-21 way later:  not really sure how prudent or smart it is for your career if you are straight out trying to connect with me through some type of networking platform, it's probably best to use the web form at the bottom of most of my webpages, i don't have time for sales folks unless you can sell me in less than sixty seconds, i'm far too simple to listen to complicated ways that someone's product can help me, i'm not really looking to expand my platform really, everything that i write is a labor of love and so sell me on real needs not how to expand 'my business', i don't have much time for that right now thank you very much, i really don't understand business or anything about it really, so sell my on why i require your service in sixty seconds or less and i will give you the time of day and future consideration, time is short, life is short and i write with passions not sound prudent business crap, frankly i have no time for sound prudent business crap, i just have to write man, but thank you for your consideration, i'm just not really into a big businessy sorts of things...  but realistically i have nothing to expand and nothing worth managing, all i have is time and the thoughts that i publish on a tiny crummy insignificant platform, i think i might be in a great spot actually, but what do i know, i just have to write --  ct

07-26-21 almost bedtime: so that christopher langan is kicking my ass, well at least one of his publications is, it offers plenty of educational challenges for my simple brain, but the parts that are kicking my ass is really just being referred to as 'adherents' by someone so smart... ouch man, but i am what i am so no matter, i'll take that label and wear it proudly... but, ouch man, ouch... hah... but i'll read more tomorrow, i think, tomorrow looks pretty busy but i need to finish reading a few other things too.  --  ct

07-25-21: probably won't write much today, but time will tell. i just wanted to get some thoughts outta my head because they are too much on my mind and i don't want my noggin to explode so i must empty it with these thoughts... spycraft... what does that word mean to you... it's a bit mysterious to most folks because they may or may not ever be directly involved in it, and then some that are still don't know how directly involved they are in it, let me make this clear, i am not not have i ever been involved directly and probably not even indirectly in intelligence or espionage or any of the weird things that those folks do, they are pros and i was only an observer of sorts... my introduction to spycraft had noting to do with a direct encounter, instead it was through caution from some other smart people, and then emphasized a bit later when i ended up with some weird security clearance, and so if i try to remember way back with the best of my remaining brain cells i can guess that the first encounter with a real actual sort of professional 'spy' or whatever she was called happened shortly after i had been cautioned yet again about the reality of spycraft and folks that will try to exploit me if they think i am an important enough person or a person with the potential that they want... i was warned more than once and from multiple sources of a period of more than two years that spys are real and whether i wanted to really understand that was a true real-life sort of reality... fortunately for me i didn't stay in that particular endeavor very long and so i did not remain much of an important person or a person with potential to do things that foreign nationals wanted to exploit, nope, not this guy, i moved on with life and various changes and i ended up becoming me, the least important and insignificant person in the world, regular old boring simple me... but i say that as matter of factly as i do most things now, i say it just as matter of factly as i say that the caution that real actual professional security people warned my about came to fruition on at least one occasion, and i think a few more too, but i just want to mention the first that i remember, well the professional or the pawn that once approached me in the middle of colorado was an above average attractive caucasian woman that attempted to exploit certain types of deviant behaviors and instincts that many folks are prone to compromise and exploitation, she was attractive and good at her job and once she realized that i was on to her and her cover was more or less blown our conversation ended a tad abruptly and i'm sure that i will never know exactly who employed her but she tried to do her job, maybe the end result had been achieved or maybe it wasn't but the reality of the surveillance and the actual encounter and attempted manipulation was really quite eye-opening for a simple unimportant kid that was actually a real life adult now... adulthood offers many changes and challenges and eye-opening experiences to people that choose to leave the neighborhood that they have always lived in... the more life experiences a person has the more levels of certain realities that life offers... the military is brilliant at teaching a young person an awful lot in a short period of time... i had a ton of great experiences while i served through my contractual obligations, i had a couple-few experiences that weren't so great too, but really a young person can learn a phD in a short stint in the military... some teachers in the military are brilliant and some seemed dummer than a box of rocks at times, but one of the most brilliant teachers and influencers of mine was a simple country fella, he had very dark skin pigmentation and was more patient than ten good people, his teaching and communication methods were simple and brilliant and he did a pretty good job teaching a young man how to control bad behavior... he had a hard time teaching me about how to control a bad attitude but that takes some people a lifetime to learn sometimes... the most brilliant influencer for a period of my life was a muscular black country born and raised gentleman that taught me lot's of simple but important things that were job related, and lot's of other important things that were related to life, and so that's why i write today... i learned an awful lot awfully quick from security professionals that cautioned me about the reality of spycraft and how humans can be exploited really simply if we let our egos and human nature and instinctual impulses give priority over self-control and doing what we know is right and wrong... i learned that really quick from some folks that i never spent much more time with, and i learned a ton over the course of a year or two with one of the best teachers that the army offered, there was this patient and funny and wise simple country guy that achieved a pretty high rank by the time that we parted ways, and i am forever grateful for sergeant mac, that guy was brilliant and patient like nobody's business... and i learned a lot from the first female spy sort of person that tried to compromise me... what did california congressman eric swallwell learn after all of the security warnings that he was briefed on before he was finally tested by fan fan... apparently not as much as i did when i was young and dumm, he was compromised like nobody's business and required security professionals to let him know how badly he was compromised... that fact that he still holds his position proves how compromised he really is, and the fact that nancy pelosi is protecting him and his position on certain commitees that require about the highest kind of security clearance ever invented proves how compromised she really is and the fact that no one has stripped swalwell of his security clearance proves how fvcked up american law can really be, if the guy clearly couldn't handle the responsibility and integrity of an important security clearance how do you even justify guarding important information... maybe i'm just lashing out at the nice congressman but his ego still requires adjustment and he's still a compromised person working in part of our government that requires responsible handling of some sensitive information, but maybe it's my own character flaws that cause me to poke at him a bit, maybe it's my own frustration that he is allowed to keep a humongous security clearance even well after he was compromised, and i knowingly forfeit another security clearance because i admit that i utilize medicinal qualities of cannabis-sativa... so maybe i'm just lashing out in my own frustrations, or maybe i'm just frickin right about my perspectives, it's not mine to judge... i'm not a professional smart person so you shouldn't just take my word for it, use your critical thinking skills and the internet to research any of those matters for yourself... well anyways, i feel much better now that my therapeutic writing is done... good talk then. -- ct

07-24-21: some days i wake up before the birds and other days like today they are singing and chirping away and doing the avian sorts of things that they do while my body still does this weird thing called sleep... it seems that humans require something called sleep and sometimes i do that thing, but mostly i don't... for a guy that's overly sensitive and whose body and mind over-react to certain kinds of stimuli... well, nice medical professional people are trying to help me get a little better at this foreign 'sleep' concept... i grasp the concept of sleep, well sort of, i have a mild understanding of the necessity of sleep, and how our body and mind heals while we sleep, and rebuilds when we sleep, and eye's aren't as easily strained, and mind is less strained, and... well there is plenty that i still don't understand about sleep, and how much of it i require, but last night was a bit better than other night's, the evidence of that statement rests on the little birds outside my windows... they were up and doing bird things before i was up doing people things and so i assume that i did some of that sleep stuff more than usual last night... hmm, i like last night... i got to spend it with some of my favorite people and that's always a treat for me... there are plenty of things to do that life seems to require of me today, there is always something that life requires of me each and every day, today is no different... but there is plenty, almost too much to write about today as most days... my mind could possibly and literally explode if i don't write about things that challenge me, well not literally, i saw that happen to someone one time and i'm pretty sure that there will not be some pink misty cloud around my head caused by an explosion of sorts, but my head feels numb and stupid and lacking and unfulfilled if i don't write about certain passions and perspectives... i could continue to internalize my thoughts and frustrations and emotions and perspectives, but anxiety and emotional stress and high blood pressure are proof that my body requires the release of thoughts that i have starved it from for so many years... it seems that lack of sleep can make a fella go a little wonky from time to time as well... sleep... don't get me started on sleep... sleep and i have a love/hate relationship, sleep prevents me from chasing passions and living as an effective member of society, and sometimes i hate her for it... and somedays sleep rewards me with a sense of normalcy and satisfaction... but don't get me started on sleep, we have a love/hate relationship... somedays we agree to just hate each other, and occasionally we kiss and make up... i'm not sure where our relationship stands today, time will tell and coffee is my witness... in between the birds singing i can hear coffee call to me from the other room, coffee offers me what sleep held back yet the promise of coffee is nothing but taste and assistance... coffee assists with things that sleep did not offer, but her assistance is temporary, coffee's assistance is but a tasty bandage that sleep did not leave in it's wake... anyways, coffee is steps away and i shall deny our encounter no longer... gonna fetch me about ten ounces or so... wish me luck, most of the luck required in my state of mind is in the execution of my perfect cream to sugar ratio, some days i nail-it, and other days i just wished that i slept a bit better... wish me luck. -- ct

07-24-21 later: the coffee came out well... thanks for asking... so after being triggered by the DNC and it's socialist and communist associates by utilizing the frailty of the human mind and how it can be manipulated during various stresses like natural disasters and global and scary germs and isolation... well, anyway, after being triggered by the various ways and things and tactics that the DNC and it's socialist and communist associates did by utilizing the frailty of the human mind to incite frail people, to scare frail people, for frail people to go a bit nuts, for frail people to kill themselves and others, for frail people to abuse drugs and alcohol, for frail people to go to impulsive extremes that human nature and instincts and misdirection and lack of correction will allow such frail people to explore... when the DNC strategists smile and wink at each other while reminding each other of the smarts behind the phrase 'never let a good disaster go to waste'... well when folks that think along those lines and philosophies then go and really and actually utilize human frailty which can be manipulated during strange and difficult experiences, when people that are sort of smart actually exploit the human condition and trauma or stressful events and natural disasters then a simple guy like me can get a bit anxious when i witness those sorts of philosophies being carried out in real-time right in front of the world to see... well hold on for a second... i'm technically not very smart so don't just read my perspectives, use your grown-up brain to search the internet for things like human reaction to stress or trauma and behavioral therapies and exploitation... just use your smart noggin of yours to research similar sounding things if that seems to interest you at all, it's brilliant and sad all at the same time... i'm not really as smart as professional people that research some things that i write about but i have some experiences in my life which help me speak with a little bit of wisdom behind some things that i write about... well first of all i am open and honest about something labeled 'anxiety' that apparently i struggle with, and sometimes i am even aware of it... so if a person that has some sort of anxiety experiences some sort of trauma or exceedingly stressful experience one of the ways that someone smart can help them is by helping the victim process and understand every facet of the reality of the event (and then there is some missing ingredient next that i'm in the process of understanding and experiencing) well that's sort of the way that some smart people can go about helping someone with such a frail condition as mine... someone smart can try to actually help them, or semi-smart people can choose the other option, the option to exploit the sh!t out of anxiety triggered people such as myself, they fvcking think it's hilarious how many people react the way that they hope during actual disasters and their contrived disasters alike... the DNC strategists and their socialist and communist associates choose the second option, they choose to exploit the crap out of the frailty of the human mind by telling you what they want you to do, and telling you what they want you to know... to a semi-smart compromised ego the philosophy of 'people are stupid to know what's best for them' is the foundation to justify any means possible to achieve their moronic goals, their goals which dismiss people that think a bit differently then they do, and when manipulative 'dismissive' sorts of tactics don't work then finding ways to silence people that think a bit differently is the inevitable progress of a truly compromised ego... i tell you what, i'm glad that i'm just a simple man because some smart people really fvcking annoy the crap out of me sometimes, like really bad sometimes... so if i seem a bit annoyed or if my feathers seem to be a bit ruffled and if i seem to write about things that bug me, well you're right... i am a bit annoyed and i am a bit of an old cranky-pants at the moment and now you might sort of understand why... i'm a cranky opinionated middle-aged white guy with a few burning passions and maybe some folks understand why now, maybe someone realizes why i've been so noisy lately... i'll tell you why right now, because my puny brain might explode if i don't... this anxiety thing is a terrible condition sometimes, but it seems that some other smart people with better intentions are in the process of actually helping me with this terrible affliction and not exploiting the crap out of it and me... when people exploit the frailty of the human condition as a way to justify their fantasies they don't do those sorts of things because their ideas are smart and good, they do so because their ideas are sh1tty, they manipulate the human condition because they are afraid of being open and honest... frankly speaking i am about done taking some smart people seriously, theatrical drama and entertainment spectacles are just show's for the smart and exploited therapy for their listeners... i'm done with that sort of political approach, drama and entertainment are the tools utilized by the DNC and their socialist and communist associates to try to pass sh!tty legislation that has failed every nation that's every succumbed to it, and watching the DNC and their socialist and communist associates selling their ideas to triggered individuals is a pretty sad fvcking thing to just watch, it's brilliant yat sad all at the same time and i've experienced too many fvcking traumatic events in my short life to sit idly by and keep my opinions to myself... nope, i'm about done with the part of anxiety and autistic limitations that prevented me from articulating my perspectives... it hurts too much not to do so... it's just wrong man. -- ct

07-24-21 a bit laterer: so i'm contemplating changing my own job description that i haven't really presented myself with yet, i'm thinking of adding the title of political annalist or maybe a political reporter, but i never studied communication so i don't really know what being a real reporter really means so i'm working through that whole idea at the moment... examples of reporters could be as loosely defined as a compromised liberal socialist noise-maker Jim Acosta who is employed by cnn, and then the other end of the spectrum offers folks like the nice lady that was at the heart of this news story, her reporting is actually truthful and useful information that was reported accurately and in real-time live, so as far as i'm concerned she's actually a reporter and not a pawn/tool in the quiver of liberal politics... the real-life reporter that hopefully you just read about reported real truthful facts and there were many stories within the stories and she is far more capable of articulating them herself far better than i... i haven't looked but i have to assume that she is above average attractiveness at first glance, that totally has something to do with the attention that a couple of human males that walked pass her and her job assignment... the two guys gave her attention that folks that are above average attractiveness must have to get used to at some point in their lives, it seems that she was well aware that she was given the sort of attention that an older version of myself revealed at point or another, or for too long of a period in my life... that young smart reporter knew that one of the two human males gave her an incredibly unhealthy level of attention and they expressed their own unhealthy requirement for correction... he probably just thought that he was being friendly and maybe even a tad flirtatious maybe, possibly, at first... but then the second human male continued on a down-hill spiral that revealed a creepy deviant racist person that might live their lives at a 'functional' level, but when people act out and say the things that this grown-up child said to a person that was doing her job it might make you think differently about law enforcement professionals and the difficult jobs they may have sometimes... sometimes they have to keep deviants away from people that are trying to do their job, a more in-depth analysis of the news story might include more stories within the stories, i almost want to know the story behind the creep racist deviant that requires more help than he is aware of, fortunately for the female reporter the deviant that she ran into today did not act out in his instinctual impulses, otherwise cops would have an emergency on their hands... hopefully that deviant fella never acts out on his animalistic behaviors, hopefully he was just a noisy guy that was begging for attention but if i were a cop right there and right then i might have tazed the sh1t out of that deviant fvcker just to help re-enforce the life lessons that someone else couldn't teach him a bit earlier in life... make no mistake about it, law enforcement professionals are required in society because deviant humans exist and they walk and talk amongst us, and even more so where the highest concentration and populations of humans live... in cities... not picking on urban dwellers, it's purely a logical and statistical thing you know... or maybe you don't... anyway, i'm thinking of changing my job requirements and titles to a political reporter but i don't really know what their qualifications and requirements are, so i won't do that right now... but man i'm glad that the reporter lady wasn't harmed and that she wasn't alone and that she reported a very important real life actual event... not shaped around political narratives like that Jim Acosta fella... i don't know how much of spectrum news but read for yourself:

"You look nice by the way," a man tells Hamblin in the video, prompting her to politely say "thank you" before looking at her cell phone ahead of her TV broadcast.

Another man then tells her, "You're beautiful as hell, goddamn."

She again brushes off the comment with a "thank you."

The second man continues with his comments, however, and asks why she is on television.

"Go find a TV and watch Spectrum News," she tells him, directing him to channels that air the station.

"See that's why I can't be left alone with a Black woman," he says, adding he can't be controlled around "Mulatto" women, referring to people of mixed African and European descent.

"Because I can't stand these f-----g white girls," he says.

"All right, we are done here," Hamblin says. "Have a great rest of your day."

"You are sexy as f---," one man says as the audio becomes more distorted.

"Oh my god," Hamblin says as the video ends."

... so i finally clicked and actually watched the video this time and i wish the camera was pointed at the knuckleheads that were speaking at her, maybe their mother's could see how they behave and then remind them of lessons that they tried to teach to them, maybe, possibly... anyway, please accept my apology for the way a couple of human males spoke with you young lady... i dunno, maybe some people just have no filter... but i think it's a bit more than just that really.  --  ct

07-24-21 way later than before: holy frickin crap... that might sound light a terrible statement to some folks but to me it's my honest to god initial thoughts, in most respects... so we are a family that appreciates entertainment from mostly song and television or recorded audio/visual marvels... and so tonight we got started on a topic of conversation that spoke to the words of a male human that participated in heinous acts against other humans during the nazi communism dictatorship that had become of germany for so many years... it seems that this fella that was tried at nuremberg and found guilty, and that was by an international gathering of more stable and reasonable sorts of country's, you see this german nazi type of guy that was convicted of war crimes against humanity was asked how nazis were able to gain control of a bulk of their nation and this male human stated that 'it was easy, all we had to do was exploit fear', well i don't remember exactly what his quote but my life-long partner/spouse/wife, whatever you choose to call her, she said that the quote is more like " it was easy and has nothing to do with nazism. The only thing a government needs to turn people into slaves is fear. If you can find something to scare them you can make them do anything you want" ... look, i don't know how to fully process that logical and honest answer from someone that had previously exploited fear and inhumane treatment to the point of death against other real humans, i'm too simple of a man to fully unpack that brutal honest answer to a legitimate question, but somewhere buried beneath his answer is a simple exploitation of the human nature, the human frailty, the human psyche, the human... well look, i'm not a professional smart person so you would have to look up things like the ways that marxism and lennon and mao and castro and other communist socialist dictators utilized or still utilize fear and subjugation to gain control of entire nations full of people that ought to know better... it seems that semi-smart people know how to utilize and exploit the human mind to achieve ultimate power and control of the people that it considers less than equal... if i think you are too dumb to know what you really need and my ego requires the utilization of any means possible to make my own sort of utopean dreams come true i can really fvck over a shit-ton of people, i can really fvck over a cubic or metric shit-ton of people do what i want them to do by telling them what i demand of them, what i want everyone to do and believe and how to behave and how not to talk back to me because you are frickin nuts if you talk back to me and question my thoughts and motivations and behaviors and actions... oh yeah, i can fvck over a nation of all shapes and sizes if my compromised deviant ego required that sort of thing... oh my god you have no idea how fragile the human condition can be when subjected to natural disasters and traumas and foreign stimuli, it doesn't take a ton to rattle the nerves and incite and instill fear in pawns and sub-servants (less than equal)... folks that really and actually believe that they are the smartest people in the room (greater than equal) and their ideas and thoughts are superior and that since their ideas and thoughts are superior they are allowed to do anything that's required to make their fvcking moronic utopean society come to fruition, well that's just wrong and creepy and fvcked up in so many levels... but anyways... my point of writing this weird sort of blog post is that the quote and brutal honesty of that nazi male human inspired us to watch the movie titled 'the sound of music' and it's about this musical sort of family that eascaped/fled/go the fvck out of nazi communist stolen and occupied austria when the fvcked-up guy named adloph hitler just had his own fvcking field-day, he just had a glorious old time exterminating people that didn't quite fit in his idea of utopea... it seems that the hitler guy was bad news, really really bad news and so he required a wake-up call from an international coalition of more reasonable and stable world nations to smack him and his nation around a bit, they sort of had to kick the sh1t out of him to make him quit spreading his sort of blissfull utopean fanatasy about what he thought was a perfect little world... that guy was fvcked-up... and so anyway i'm no historian but you can use your free-thinking skills to utilize the internet to read more about nazism and marxism and socialism and communism and dictatorships and the types of methods that they utilized to gain control of entire nations, and how they got so fvcking out of control that they began to expand beyond their own borders to make more and more people subserviant and less than equal to the greater than equal dictators and the folks that they use to control their subservants... well look, i'm not a professional historian or professional smart person of any sorts but good fvcking luck to you if you require strong fearful and controlling leaders and folks that follow their hatred... that sort of thing bugs me to my core but i am a survivalist at heart, i can entertain the most compromised ego even if only for a little bit, i am a non-mission essential ignorant and simple type of guy and it doesn't take more that food water and shelter to sustain my simple requirements, and when controlling deviants control food water and shelter to subservients than maybe i'm screwed, and so are the average or less than average folks... but those who are labeled as the 'greater than average' do well in those types of nations... maybe i'm just a fearful sort of guy that never gave socialism and communism the benefit of the doubt but i doubt that because history and time tell a different story... history and time tell stories of how and why fvcked up people exploited human nature and fear to bring anyone that's prone to fear to a level of control and abuse that usually requires an international coalition of more reasonable and more stable countries to set their people free... america is a two hundred year old nation based on freedoms for the citizens and doesn't allow for it's government to rule as a dictatorship like successful socialist and communist nations require, so maybe i just don't get those socialist and communist sorts of folks well enough to understand their motivations and philosophies all that much, for i am just a simple american person that was born into freedom and i just don't understand government examples that require strong leaders, i'm too simple to comprehend that type of situation, it's a bit foreign to me and my simple little mind, it seems that controlling and compromised egos will do whatever the fvck they want when given the opportunity to do so... and so goes human nature and inadequate deficiencies, no one is perfect and so we require equal and opposite branches of government and neither of those equal and opposite branches deserve a greater than or less than equal status because socialism and communism and inevitable dictatorship control require subservant 'citizens', and subservient citizens are triggered by angry people that require fear to be successful in their mission, and america wasn't founded on elitist controling smart people, it was founded by subservient people that were fed up with royal dictatorship types of folks that had their won perfect little religion and perfect, well that's a topic for prince harry's future publications i suppose, that guy seems like he has a lot to say... but  compromised slave owners and others found ways to exploit people that they actually believed were less than their equal, they spoke about them and treated them and acted like they were more animals than humans, and now socialist communists are exploiting a period of nasty history in our country to cause division and divide and frankly just to scare the crap out of people that aren't quite sure what the strategists and pawns are doing... if that idea wasn't so fvcking ludicrous it might be brilliant, but stupid is what stupid does and so some semi-smart people exploit the sh1t out of the rest of society when it fits their needs and egotistical requirements... well look what i just did, i wasn't planning on writing this much about certain passions, but the point of this post is the holy-crap sort of feeling that i just had when i sort of self-identified with julie andrews character in the sound of music... i'm an old hetero white american male that is self-identifying with maria... i think the scene early in the movie that takes place in her monastery is what did it for me... it's the not quite fitting in but overall good hearted sort of feeling that speaks to me through her character, just call me a simple nun if you will, but really it's the history and convictions of the von trapp family and why they did what they did that speaks to my inner soul, and then the character as represented by julie andrews speaks to the person in my inner most being, but i was trained to put a knife in someone's throat and how to cave in a knee and break ribs and smash a persons face with various body parts and weaponry, and then that maria von trapp lady was good at different things... music and other types of things that are different than me, but i can relate to her character and her motivating factors and rawness in her appreciation for simple things, maybe, possibly, really... call me a misfit nun maybe if that's what you require but holy crap did her character speak to me and i can relate... well the movie has an intermission and i require bladder relief... good talk then. -- ct

07-23-21: today's rantings regarding political perspectives will not utilize news media, instead i will ask grown-up big boys and big girls and other people that are grown-ups that choose to identify with something else... whatever color shape form or noisiness you happen to posses then i simply appeal to any reader to just use critical free thinking skills and the ability to utilize the internet the same way that found this terrible ugly little website... however you found this website then i ask you to exercise those same adequate skills to research even a bit of the internet for similar ideas and challenges that i might throw at you... if i seem to rant about something that challenges your perspectives or offends you then how about give a fellow human the decency to possibly get you to view some of your foundational beliefs with a possibly different outlook... i'm not asking anyone to make any hardcore foundational changes in their lives and ideas because any hardcore foundational changes that you might make require the same sort of stimulation that the god of christianity begs of it's followers, it begs your reasoning sort of skills, it doesn't forcefully demand anything from anyone... so somewhere lodged into my foundational cores and beliefs and perspectives i just expect that sometimes some of my words might reason with the right person for any sorts of reasons but by exposing my fragility and stupidity and passions then sometimes people are challenged enough to contemplate whether or not they require any sort of different perspectives in their own lives... and that's why i write... i don't write because i'm wicked good at it, and i don't write because i am highly educated and always wanted to write, and i don't write because smarter people steered me in this sort of direction... no, it doesn't take long to read and understand that i fall under none of those categories, i'm afraid... nope... i write because i required some sort of wake-up call, or correction, or epiphany, or reality-check... i write because i required one of those sorts of things and after i came out of the other end of that thing that i required alive and not hurting anyone, well i sort of dusted my big-boy self off, and have been mostly re-calibrated to a level that i can share some perspectives for anyone that cares to read, anyone that isn't afraid to challenge themselves and their core foundational beliefs, i just sort of write in hopes that i can help some other people somehow, that's about it really, i just hope to ease some folks out of unhealthy perspectives so that they may not require the sort of pain that i experienced just a short time ago... so let me introduce myself, my name is chris, and i hope to be your wake-up call in some respects or another... and if i offend you with harsh words and language then good, i fvcking hope so because maybe you require that sort of language to speak to you... who the fvck really know's, apparently i don't... anyway's i have things to do now, thanks for reading. -- ct

07-23-21 later:  the irony is uncanny... i'm waiting to get started on a video thing with a VA professional person and i get bumped into an accidental group text with a bunch of old army buddies... my old phone number that most of them had was gone years ago but one of them had my new number and then just like that i'm having a good laugh and listening to the fellas go at each other with good humorous fun, it's hilarious reading their words, and then during a brief pause in the texting the nice VA professional calls in and does her thing and i give her open and honest facts that she needs to do her job well, and then just like that it is over, and the fellas are back texting and i appreciate every word of their humor and recollections and time, really, probably... anyway i am a simple guy that appreciates simple things and today i feel a bit appreciated myself, pretty cool right?  Yeah, some simple folks don't require much sometimes, and the sooner us simple folks realize that in life the easier life can be for some.  --  ct

07-23-21 laterer: i watched a recording of my favorite television show, it's called 'alone', and the show is simple yet brilliant in the many things that it can teach an old fifty-something year old guy, and some of the things that it speaks to me is the human will to survive, human limitations, and then mix that up with what folks will do when they require help or don't require help... one of the things that the simple tv shows tells me is that people are more dependent of other people, and what circumstances lead up to their discovery, or if other human intervention is required to help the person that doesn't realize how much they really require the help of others... some of the contestants on that show choose to leave because they bit off more than they can chew, or they hit a known limitation and understand that... and then there are contestants that have hit obstacles and don't realize how dire their situation had become and so other humans that understand physically limitations to human survival will come and save contestants them from themselves because they didn't realize how dangerous their lives had become... so for some contestants on that tv show their 'wake-up' call comes natural, they understand that they are screwed and are ready for human intervention... and then other contestants get a wake-up call when they didn't even realize that they required human intervention... and to me that's the struggle of an independent yet rational person... having skills and training and education and then knowing how to apply that knowledge for the survival of me as the individual, and what and how to share with the rest of society that is also somehow dependent on something that is worth sharing... having a decent idea of what work is and how to do it and why it's important and who you can help through it and why we humans require other humans is partly the struggles of some humans, and partly a struggle to find identity and validation in things that others have already understood... that's part of what survival tv shows tell me, they challenge me to understand the essential resources (food water shelter) and then what my preconceived ideas of what's really important in life, and then when you look at the sorts of reasons that contestants that do not win on 'alone' have to live, well that's when you can look back and see if a human's well balanced nutritious meals are sufficient, and if clean safe water or other forms of safe hydration were available to them, and if the shelter of their construction was adequate for safety against predators and provided dry warm sleeping... and then you balance those things out with the fact that all of those survivalists require some medical treatment over the course of the show or over the course of their lifetimes, and education and training to understand how to survive from basic tools and what nature provides... and then mix all of that in with civil unrest and then even a person that is self-labeled a bit of a conservative republican can understand the sorts of things that some people have difficulty attaining in life and why some humans don't quite seem to understand what types of needs they may not understand and have access to... and then mix that up with the fact that some people require a different, or bigger wake-up call than others and may not understand the sort of help that they really require... maybe some of that made sense to some people more than others but in the most notable divide that's begun in america you might understand that some people have needs that others take for granted, and some people understand things about other people's conditions that can be preventable, and nobody fully and completely understands each other but we each require one another whether we ever come to grips with that fact or not... maybe i could help be an interpreter for republicans and democrats someday, or for conservatives and progressives someday, maybe someday i will be smart enough and important enough to be the guy stuck in the middle of philosophies and division, of prosperity and needs, of the things that separate and unite... until then i'm a bit of guy that's stuck in a country full of freedoms and those who wish to exploit them, and in a country full of natural resources and those who wish to exploit them, and in a country full of other humans and those who wish to exploit them... well pardon my pondering but i seem to be a bit stuck in the middle of too many things that i cannot control... and that's why i depend on some medical professionals that can help and educate and offer some wake-up calls that i require... higher than average blood pressure is a fvcking wake up call that some people require and i hate that sort of wake-up call and i really hate waking up to reality even when it's required, somedays... and that's why i write.  --  ct

07-23-21 a bit more laterer:  what's your communication style, do you have one that you are aware of... some people communicate directly because they can develop thoughts and can articulate them clearly though verbal communication, and some people communicate one thing from their preferred method of communication yet their actions and behaviors speak differently... i know various people that i've met at one point or another in my lifetime that communicate in similar ways that i do when i'm a bit harsh, i'll poke you in the eye perhaps, but then give you a piece of the rest of my heart at the same time... some folks speak loudly and harshly and then give you the shirt off their back... i've met people like that over the course of my lifetime... some folks know they can help some folks in some ways and they just do it even when their image allows for no such sort of thing... people who guard their image with harsh rhetoric sometimes communicate through various types and forms and sometimes their words speak to difficulties but their actions speak to the greater good, humanity... sometimes the most guarded and protected souls demonstrate that they get the big picture whether they speak of such things or not... i've witnessed many communication styles and some i understand better than others, and then some takes me a bit longer to understand than others, but humanity is alive and well and some people show you that they get it, and others just don't... humans are a weird bunch really... i don't get humans sometimes, but then again there is this song that i appreciate that helps me sometimes, and the chorus tells you why... god is great, beer is good, and people are crazy... that song occasionally speaks therapy to an old confused guy, sometimes it reminds me that people don't always understand other people, and other times it reminds me that there is some sort of god that does... now i'd love a good tasty beer to enjoy as i contemplate things beyond my comprehension...  --  ct

07-23-21 not much later than before: I've been watching a movie with a couple of my kids, Guardians of the Galaxy... and the whole series is brilliant as far as i'm concerned and i learned to write a bit from them but you won't see any of that until a future publication... but i learned a lot from them and the way they communicate certain themes or messages... but none of that matters right now because really it's the music, or soundtrack that is speaking to me right now... i=one of the songs that we all just heard was by an artist named Cat Stevens, and that particular music recording artist communicated different messages to different people, but really the thing that makes it important or relevant to me is that cat stevens sort of spoke to my dad through his words... pretty interesting maybe?, But to have a father communicate things to you through song, through words and perspectives that maybe they couldn't really articulate themselves, well that just demonstrates the power of song... and in my particular case it would seem that the types pf words that spoke most to an influential person in my life were words that sort of spoke to humility... they are the sorts of words that say... well i'm not going to put words in anyone's mouths but it got me thinking about songs, and what they might speak to me, and then if i go down that sort of contemplation i end up with Tim McGraw and a song of his called 'humble and kind', and i think that's sort of the song that i would pass on to my boy... my dad appreciated Cat and i appreciate Tim, and i understand the words and plea and message of Cat and i wonder how much my son will ever listen to or comprehend how the song speaks to me... he's got a better head on his shoulders than i did at his age, and so i think that he will have better understanding than i do about many things, but... but... but who knew that guardians of the galaxy would speak to me today in ways that i wasn't expecting... i know, i have to go away ... and always stay humble and kind... maybe those are the ways that music speaks to me today... time will tell, and new songs are always recorded, and so it seems that some songs remain unsung, and how they will speak to future generations, well only time will tell for sure, really.  --  ct

07-23-21 afternoonish: it should be known to the reader that i am a white american heterosexual male, that is self described factual information... it should be known to the reader that i grew up a bit disadvantaged as some people might describe, if you poke around this lousy website long enough you will read and understand more on that topic... but is should be known and understood to any reader that i did not grow up nor was born into nor genetically different enough to be in a race other than my own, and so i do not understand the perspectives and experiences that anyone else in any other race or religion or planet or universe possesses... so when i speak about equality it's just my ignorant way of stating that i actually believe that the only person that ever roamed the face of this earth that was greater than me, or more than my equal was an old timer named jesus, and that had to do with other things that weren't like regular human things... and so when i state that you are my equal no matter what you or i believe, well it should be known to the reader that as far as i'm concerned jesus of nazareth was the only thing ever that was greater than me, everyone except him is just my equal... so it should be known to the reader that when i speak to equality i speak to a perspective that some folks can't really understand... i hope we can just love each other anyway... maybe i need to shuffle this post under 'religiousy stuff' too, but this post speaks to something that i sort of consider an important life lesson so that's where it begins... -- ct

07-23-21 eveningish:  when passionate people do passionate things it makes a guy scratch their heads in awe and wonder, and when i take witness of more than a few acts of passion all in the same day i want to scratch my head and let out a sh!tcha sort of thing, but i'm glad to see some folks whose passions have been ignited doing something with such passions... life really is short, and what we do with the limited time and resources that we control is... it might be... well it could possibly be the true test of time... i'm a simple man that discovered how simple i am really am much later in life than most folks and i hope to make the most of my time... apparently that involves a bunch of writing these days, but i'm getting a bit old and gimpy so i'm giving it all that i have while i still have it... anyways, i hope that you live long enough to get passionate about something, it's a sense of freedom like you wouldn't know...

... and speaking of something that you may, or may not, or maybe wouldn't even know, and maybe don't even want to know... well to be quite frank with you i can tell you that some hardcore liberal types of folks and some hardcore conservative types already have my simple little words in their hands and minds, and i'm just happy to be a part of their discussion... i'm hear/here to talk if you want to, i'm not much of a threat really, in fact i am a non-mission essential piece of general issue sort of guy that hasn't much to offer this world other than my simple little mind... i'm glad that big boys and big girls consider my simple words worthy of consumption, i'm a bit flattered to a degree, but not much really... i'm simple but logical... in fact i'm a tad on the austistic spectrum some might say, it's a bit hard to explain really but with some aspect of the types of anxiety that i struggle with i take waaay too long to process information and then i have a hard time communicating the sorts of things that are on my mind, and then sometimes when i can actually articulate my questions or perspectives i do this weird thing with my fingers and my head tilts a bit strangely... anyways it would be good for the reader to understand that you are reading the words of a simple guy that is far from perfect, and i really require logical reasoning void of theatrics to help me understand other people's perspectives sometimes, apparently i'm a bit of a slow learner but i'm happy to help if you think that i can...  --  ct

07-23-21 a bit late at night:  fox news is doing this thing that bugs me, they do this thing where they have a writer that probably works for them writing about another person that definitely works for them, and then the one is selling the perspective of the other... but they are on the same payroll... i know that people do that, but you are better than that, yo... just say what you mean and don't sell it like a rumor or a secret, just say it... gossipy sorts of tactics are fvcking intolerable for some other folks and i admit that i am one of those intolerable types of folks... so it's not you, it's me... maybe that's the right way to disseminate information but it bugs the crap out of me, in case you couldn't tell.  --  ct

07-23-21 pretty darn late:  let me ask you a personal question... are you a dog person, or a cat person, or neither... well actually it doesn't matter a ton in this instance, well maybe it does... let me ask you this then, do you have kids love kids or work with kids... well maybe that doesn't matter either really, so then let me ask you this, is there something about dogs and their 'behavior' that you appreciate, or is there something about cats and their 'instincts' and behavior that maybe you like more than dogs, or maybe you don't appreciate either of those species but maybe humans are your jam, maybe you dig people and our 'actions' and behaviors and instincts and intelligence more so than dogs or cats... or maybe none of the above, maybe you are just into animal behavior in general, maybe you are an animal behaviorist and understand human instincts and 'actions' and behaviors... or maybe you haven't a clue about anything written above but you just love life and living things, or maybe you just had enough of the actions and behaviors of other people or animals... but when you contemplate actions and behaviors of certain animals and understand a certain type of philosophy that states something like 'there are no bad dogs', and so maybe you understand that you can control animal behavior by rewarding good behavior and even punishing bad behavior... behavior is the result of actions, behavior is a reaction to instinctual urges and impulses and whether or not those instincts can be or have been controlled or tampered or corrected... well maybe if there are no such things as a good dog or a bad dog then maybe instincts require no type of controlling or correcting because all instincts serve some type of need or requirement or just let an unruly and aggressive animal do what instinctual beasts do, just let them have at it and assume that they are fine and if not then they are now someone else's problems... well that's what happens when folks with entirely too much control get to act out all of the filthy deviance's and instincts that some people call 'human nature',... yeah, that's the sort of worse case scenario when socialist communist dictators take their place in their thrones of history... oh yeah, it get's real ugly real quick no matter who tries to justify it and how they try to justify it... communism is fine for a small tiny village that requires strong leaders that control everything, but the deviancy of the human condition is to control as much as possible, as much as capable, as much as you can get away with before someone takes their shoe off and whacks an unchallenged angry dog in their mouth... communism and socialism and the control over their subservient population, the ultimate control that those philosophies demand are the end result of people that demand their own impulsive and ignorant deficiencies supersede the freedom of anyone else other than those who the dictator can use the most... good fvcking luck trying to change a nation that is designed around it's citizens and their equality to it's nation... yeah communism and socialism are the bliss to offer subservient people that trust that dictators are better to govern than the people that dictators appear to govern... three separate but equal branches of government are brilliant even if they are not popular with socialists and their demands... herds of hopeful yet incited humans follow the smart yet flawed demands of communism... i hope the DNC cut's ties with it's socialist and communist contributors and associates... this is the wrong type of place/geography to even try that stupid sh1t... your impulsive instincts for control and power nauseate me... i might literally puke in my mouth when i contemplate the compromised egos that socialism has found favor with... just quit trying to divide our nation to institute the utopian dreams that you are in the middle of selling to a nation of free people... that sort of governing has turned up far too many dictators that required a huge fvcking spanking from an international community that couldn't tolerate their compromised egos and their actions and behaviors any longer... that's why i write.  --  ct

07-22-21:  i woke up before those noisy early birds again today, but it was a decent sleep leading up to that point, so it's more of a factual statement and not a complaint, it is what it is and so i'll work with what i've gotten.  yesterday i thought out loud about changing the basic set up of the homepage, and then minutes after thinking about it out loud i just went and did it, and so i created a bit more work for myself but really this whole website is sort of me doing my job and jobs involve work, and so i just gave myself a bit more job-security/work i guess you could say... i haven't changed anything else other than cosmetic structure and isolating/highlighting certain areas of focus... i realized that some of the most revolving and passionate things that i write about should get their appropriate sections if i keep writing about them, and so that's basically what i tried to do, was to give certain priorities the place of honor on this website, as they have in my heart, and that's all i really did with a 20 minute re-design... fortunately i kept the aesthetics as simple as possible, so a 're-design' wasn't too involved... i love simple things, and simple designs because i am a simple man, so the website is a reflection of me and my heart so to speak... and fortunately for me, simple is easy, my writing style is simple and easy, and the things that motivate me in life are pretty simple too... simple is as simple does, and so i simply write about the simple things that motivate me, it's up to the reader to determine my motivators in life, some of them i am aware of, and some not so much, and the older i get the more simple my motivators have become, simple folks don't have too many complex things to write about, so i simply write simple ideas and perspectives and the simple sorts of things that motivate me, and the things that motivate us are important to understand as individuals if we ever want to be honest with ourselves and others... see if you can read my words, and then read between the lines (so to speak) and see if you can determine what my motivators are, and let me know if you think i am missing some of them, i probably just don't know them yet, maybe.  --  ct

07-22-21 later than before:  i really don't need this website to get much more exposure than it has, but big spike in analytics suggests that i ended up with more exposure than i'm comfortable with at the moment, i understand how certain marketing and other sorts of things go, but the uptick is hopefully just because i changed the layout and told some FB friends about it... time will tell what's up, but hopefully the consumption of the contents of this crummy website didn't superseded my expectations... hopefully just another week or two before i get book done, then i feel comfortable about registering with search engines and the exposure of this website, but maybe i got a bit a head of myself as usual... time will tell, and so might a burning bag of dog poop, the dog poop is really a big litmus for who might have read what so far, dog poop and sloppy surveillance... well those and analytics, and analytics show that exposure is real now... good grief.  --  ct

07-22-21 much laterer:  i made good progress today on a writing project, and good progress on this ugly website with a few cosmetic changes and distinguishing some of the priorities and motivations for writing, some of my main priorities for writing are actually really just the main sections or categories on the homepage, and even then i will probably make additional changes to a couple categories... just as my life requires further growth and development even at my old age... well i'm trying to say that as i grow and understand more about myself i will require changes in my life just as this crummy website will require further changes in the course of time... time tells lot's of things, time teaches the most stubborn person lessons that only time can tell... time and i have a love/hate relationship... time just sucks and really seems to hate me sometimes... but that's just me speaking from my deficiencies i suppose... i'm a stubborn old bugger sometimes... frickin time!  --  ct

07-21-21: when people that actually sort of know me, like maybe some relatives, or other closer people that maybe i've worked along side or hung out with for a bit... when those sorts of folks read my posts and some harsh and opinionated publications and then some may begin to understand some things about me that they have never understood, or in some cases they may realize that i finally understand more about myself and my own deficiencies, and that i have now stopped trying to play a game of trying to fit into a world that is too confusing and distracting for a simple guy like me... some folks that know me may understand just how passionate i am about some of the topics that i write about, whether they understand the things that i am passionate about or not they may understand that certain things are far more important to my life than i may have ever let on, or spoke about, or mentioned... what ever the case may be to the reader who may or may not know me, it should be known and understand that there are things in life that are far more important to me, than me, that are bigger than me and more important than me, and those sorts of things are what i define as 'my motivators'... i used to be more motivated by trying to do the messages my influencers such as pop-culture and the way that it exploits human nature and people's deficiencies... for me i wish that i could say that i wasn't distracted by the busynness of an urban environment and the distractions of pop-culture that someone with my deficiencies could really handle and so i seemed to learn to self-medicate by consuming different sorts of things that somehow made me feel different than the fvcked-up way that i felt many times, sometimes even 'most of the time'... it seems that in my different deficiencies of understanding and prioritizing things like the entertainment industry and other fvcked-up influencers to sort of teach me how to fit into society, and that something like 'trying to fit into society' was somehow more important than other things that are now more higher priorities in my life, higher priorities in my life are now focused on such things like understanding that the human race requires food, water, sleep/adequate shelter, and helping and sharing knowledge and resources to other humans... technically speaking i suppose that's about it, human beings don't require much more than that but then everyone has a sort of comfort level that they seem to think they require and i am currently stuck in one that i somehow sort of thought was a necessary lifestyle based on things that are still sort of based on pop-culture and what imperfect influencers somehow still managed to distract me from focussing on the simple things that humans require to survive as a civilization... in my particular case i also required the influenced teachings--and trying to understand them--of a guy named jesus that lived a couple thousand years ago, in particular case i happened to be distracted by focussing on the sorts of messages and exploitation of human nature that pop-culture and other deficient and negative influencers that i paid too much attention to helped me to lose focus of, in my case i sort of have a perspective that focusing on a simple life based on needs and not 'want's', and treating everyone as an equal that we have to rely on in some sort of way, i suppose it is parts of his lifestyle example that i appreciate now more than ever and when you throw the whole god/religion thing on top of his lifestyle and teachings, well then holy-smokes... those things sort of helped fullfill and understand other parts of my life that i have a different perspective about now, helped to sort of change my perspective on priorities now, you could say... and part of the teachings of that jesus fella also taught that everyone was born imperfect and the imperfectiveness of everyone is within our hearts and understanding and that we actually require his god thing as well as his teaching and life example... somehow i am one of those religiousy types of people that not only requires food water and shelter and understanding that everyone around us is equally important and still require one another's wisdom and resources for the human race to actually keep surviving and evolving, it seems that i am one of those sorts of people that actually believes the god type of thing surrounding him in order to not loose focus on the sorts of things that are really important, and frankly speaking trying to learn how to fit into society based on pop-culture clearly wasn't an effective sort of lifestyle for me, it seems that i have deficiencies that exploitation of human nature by causing too many distractions rather than focusing on a simple lifestyle that a simple person like me requires was a bit too much to for my fragility and imperfections to handle for a bit... but i'm doing a bit better now, i'm learning how to turn off noisy distractions and focus on things that are higher priority like the simple lifestyle and life example that jesus showed through his teachings, there was nothing appealing about him yet his followers are enumerous some two thousand years later... if you don't know much about a religion that some people call 'christian' then i sort of look at it as maybe an accumulation of the teachings of the twelve tribes of isreal that comes to a big 'smack in the face' moment in time when that jesus of nazereth guy came and did some rather remarkable things while he walked the face of the earth for thirty or so years, and some of the remarkable things that he did were the sorts of things that descendants of abraham were told will happen some day in the future when a relationship between humans and 'god' would be repaired in some sorts, and so however many years it really is after historical writings suggest of some sort of helper that will come and do something special and that person will be significant and important, and then all that really happened during the thirty something years that jesus roamed around, well other that a few remarkable things, so all that really happened while he walked and talked is that all he really did is walk and talk, all he really did was talk and teach people that wanted to listen to him, he didn't really do anything spectacular except for a few occasional maybe, but the lifestyle example and teachings and passion to his death sort of tells a story of an ultimate sacrifice that only one person that ever walked on the face of the earth could ever do for anyone and so for folks that are of a religiousy type similar to mine you might appreciate teachings of more simple people or teachers or influencers that don't try to exploit human nature and deficiencies through actions and behaviors and how they try to appeal to other people and how and who they incite or allow to act in reckless anger and demanding attitudes... one of the things that i write passionately about is politics too, and i write unashamed and unapologetically so in politics as i do religion and some may understand perspectives behind the things that i write passionately about and many won't, and many people will appreciate one passion of mine but not another or neither of both or both completely but i'm glad that we shared this little time together, just so we could clear the air on a few things then... my priorities have changed over the course of years, and i allowed my family and i to somehow end up in an unsimple and less distracting lifestyle that was based on what popular culture and entertainment and the way that they exploit the deficiencies of human nature to demonstrate how they should try to prioritize trying to fit in with society and not exercising useful talents and skills to be productive members of society that treats everyone as equals and other people that we actually require somehow, i don't appreciate folks that spend an awful lot of time and energy focusing on anyone else as anymore or less equal than themselves and i suppose that's more a religious perspective for me and it's a common sense thing for non christian religious types of folks too, and when politicians use tactics that empathize and emphasize division for any reasons in a democracy that behaves itself much better on racial matters and laws in the year 2021 and that's the sort of thing that socialism and communism do to destabilize a free society that can still kick their ass, they cause civil divide and anger and actually they cause a civil war so communism doesn't have to go to war themselves, they let the targeted nation war against itself, and then brutal policing and brutal war against opposing points of views and voices are required for marxx-lennin-stalin-musolini-hitler to maintain the subservient dominance to instill the sort of peace that their ego's require... socialism and commuinism fvcking HATE simple old christianity BECAUSE AT IT'S CORE IT NEVER DEMANDS, jesus teachings and actions begged but never demanded the conversion of folks and that is the complete opposite of the sorts of governments that are NOT FOR THE PEOPLE, the kinds that understand that too many people are still waiting for someone to teach them how to behave and be useful and productive and actually treat people as true equal others based on physical limitations and talents and gifts and resources... there is an equality that christianity begs for and that the usa the bill of rights demands... the demands of socialism demand that the bill of rights isn't based on freedom and equality, the demands of socialism demand that people who are disadvantaged because they haven't been taught how to treat and behave as equals to everyone because they are just as important as everyone else and just as imperfect as anyone else and may require a bit more guidance and assistance and coaching and mentoring and teaching and behaving and correcting than others, and some folks don't understand what type of help they require and they require it the most and don't know who to ask for any number of reasons... the reason that the usa has been dependent on migratory workers for so many years speaks to the shame of our leaders for not teaching our citizens that the usa is full of natural resources that provide for the simple things in life that humans require to continued existence and that folks that might be spending too much time trying to figure out how to fit into the herd of society might just not quite understand the gifts and talents and understanding that their uniqueness offers the world and everyone around it, having access to people that can teach and mentor and instruct and act and behave and personal responsibility and who to ask for help when they know they need it and to really understand that they may not understand everything that's really important yet to a fulfilling life based on personal and governmental freedom and independence... some folks are trapped in a lifestyle that relies on instruction from media and pop-culture and entertainment and deeply flawed and distracting influencers and haven't learned about the natural resources like farm land and the usefulness farming is to basic human real-needs, but stuck in a herd of noisy and distracting influencers are what happens to real people when they have hurdles to overcome that some people can't even imagine, regardless of race or appearance jesus showed and treated everyone as equals, some of them understood that and others never did, but that's sort of the philosophy behind the freedom and independence and the bill of rights and that the usa offers it's people, whether they choose to accept and understand that or not it's implied and demanded by the bill of rights whether people choose to accept it's freedom or not... and that's why i write. -- ct

07-21-21 laterer:  i'm thinking (or overthinking) doing a mini redesign of this ugly old website and modernizing a bit, and what i mean by that is possibly maybe probably sectioning writings that are more geared to religious sorts of topics under maybe box looking thing on the home page, and then beside that box thingy maybe there would be another one geared more toward politics, and then maybe under one of those box things there would be another one that is more geared toward personal growth and responsibility that people should just know already by certain stages and ages in their lives... and then lastly, maybe a fourth type of box that would be beside the third one and under the others that would just be the randomness of all of the above, which is more like what this whole blog section of my website is really... really this blog section is everything about me interwoven into the output of my perceptions and critical-thinking and ability to articulate them within my limited understanding and knowledge and deficiencies... that's all this blog section really is, but i'm thinking of modernizing and updating this ugly website into maybe a bit more organized type of website, perhaps... time will tell.  --  ct

07-20-21: whaddup tuesday... and what did you do with my sleep? i suppose it's not tuesday's fault that i slept horribly again... sorry, it's not you tuesday, it's me. i elected to try to sleep without the assistance of an Rx that a medical professional prescribed, it didn't go so well. one of the reasons that i tried that is because typically i utilize some of the medicinal qualities of canna to help with certain symptoms of anxiety, and typically it works quite well, however the last batch of oil concentrate that i purchased and consumed as vapor did not work well at all, well it did, but not after a sensation of 'panic' at onset... for the first 20 to 40 minutes or so after vaporizing a very small amount, and then eventually settled in with beneficial qualities... a sensation of panic while utilizing canna is an experience that some folks relate with, and it drives them away and maybe that's good, but it's a bit new to me... and then considering the fact that i am also utilizing this sleeping chemistry creation for the past couple of weeks i wanted to see if the panic that i had been experiencing may have been a bad combination of the two... there was no active canna in my system when i layed down to sleep and there was no active sleeping rx running through me either... but then out of the blue i wake up at exactly zero-dark:thirty-hours with a full blown panic sensation that felt like it began in my head and chest and was rather nasty if you ask me... sometimes a feeling or sensation of something is an emotional reaction to something that you witness, and sometimes it's like an 'intuition' sort of sensation that requires exploration and further contemplation, and then some other times it just whacks you in the chest and heart area and can also make your mind feel a bit wonky as well, and i don't really know what's up with lastnight/this morning's panic sensation but i did nothing in reaction... i let it sweep over my body and mind and embraced it and remained calm through it, and it still wasn't pleasant but it wasn't debilitating, it just really really sucked, i've had similar experiences a time or two in my past, maybe even more than a time or two, but when it catches you while you are just chilling and supposed to be sleeping it's really an unpleasant surprise... i did nothing about that sensation other than to embrace it and now it's got me wondering about physiology and brain chemistry and what's up with that stuff right now... i know that the human body and mind can experience all sorts of nasty things really, and knowing when nasty feelings and sensations require direct action can be a challenge for many people to understand... i did not like that panic sensation at all and not really sure if it required any direct action or subsequent follow-up contemplation or care but writing about that experience right here will allow me to remember the day and time and what surrounding circumstances may have led to that rather crappy experience...

... oh sleep... sleep and i have a love hate relationship... Sleep... human limitations require her but the stubborn refuse her usefulness and ignore our limitations, i push her further and further away yet she quietly scratches her head and ponders the foolishness of my actions and behavior, i tell her that her best thirty percent is adequate, thank you very much, and she quietly offers her remaining and more fulfilling seventy percent, she occasionally reveals her most attractive and useful seventy percent but all i accept is the low hanging fruit and the consequences for refusing the rest of her... i don't get/understand sleep... sleep and i have a love-hate relationship and it's not her, it's me... she offers all, and in my stubborn and distracted reasoning i refuse the best and receive only that which i understand... sleep is smart and sometimes i am not, many times i am not, and in the case of sleep... well maybe 'most' times i am not... how will my body and mind function without her today... time will tell, she always does.  --  ct

07-19-21: good morning... or whatever portion of the day that it is now for you, the reader... for me it's a slow starting rainy morning to a day where there are plenty of chores and errands to do but priorities/plans change some days, so only time will tell what today beholds, and right now i'm beholding and enjoying a warm mug of coffee. it seems like someone has finally alerted president joseph biden that you can't believe everything on the internet and especially on social media and other networked free and open platforms... if you don't understand that yet then i am happy to be the person to alert you to that fact... in fact you should also understand that i am an imperfect human just as everyone else is, and so even some things that i write on the internet, on this platform that i pay money to own and operate, even some things on this website are not one hundred percent fact because my words are based on my own unique and diverse background and life experiences and what information i have been exposed to and how my critical thinking ability has understood/perceived the things which i've experienced and then how clearly i can articulate my thoughts to you... to you the all important reader... and now is a great time to remind you that you are reading the words of a middle-aged white american male... yes, that's me in a nutshell... based on that information alone it is important to you the reader to really understand that there are racist fanatical people in the DNC and elsewhere who will automatically dismiss every word written on this website as those of a racist and ignorant and privileged and just 'all wrong' because of the color of my skin and the sex that i was born with and still identify with... oh, and then don't forget the part about me choosing a religion that is based on the historical teachings and life example of jesus who died a couple thousand years ago... yes... that last fact is enough to turn the stomachs of many racist and prejudice sorts of people... yes... although i am living in a very low tax bracket some racist and ignorant and prejudiced and fanatical people will gladly tell you that i am the biggest threat to the american society and world's society... give me a fvcking break you angry and misguided fellow humans... please go find someone else to lead you because you are clearly a mere follower stuck in a herd of ignorant yet angry slow grazing mammals... yes... followers will find leaders that speak to their egos, and some leaders lead with angry demanding rhetoric... so what types of followers do you think that those sorts of leaders attract... more angry demanding yet more ignorant types, that's who follow such angry demanding leaders...

... there are many people from history past that i greatly admire, and many opposite types of people that history still teaches us about, and it's NOT because of their admirable qualities... no... but rather to help other's to NOT repeat the costly and misguided and deadly mistakes of smart and controlling sociopaths... socialist communist and other dictatorships types of leaders fall nicely into the 'other than admirable' category of historical people, and yet some 'revolutionaries' in america and their associates from abroad are pushing and demanding for america to embrace failed socialist demands... demanding anything from anyone else is victimizing them and trying to make subordinates of others.

07-19-21 later: here's an interesting fact to any reader, i've already labeled myself as a christian who appreciates conservative values and then republicans who most closely embrace similar philosophies... and then there is me, the individual, the free-thinking individual, and where i differ from most 'white people', or most fiscal conservatives (being fiscally conservative doesn't mean that you are conservative in other values, they are actually quite different)... chris terlizzi the individual free-thinking white male american actually appreciates the idea of 'reparations for slavery'... if you are unaware what that term means please do us both a favor and research the term a bit, it's important now as it was at any moment in US history and it will become much more of a relevant term in the days and years to come... one of the ways that communist and socialists are causing division within america is by agitating and instigating unrest and violent riots within democrat run cities and states and mostly within the dark-skinned communities that are beginning to understand that democrats have not really been helping them much to gain independence and freedom that the declaration of independence, our constitution, and bill of rights offer our citizens... folks that feel underprivileged and have have a great deal of difficulty with life in general have been triggered by socialists and DNC leadership and their angry rhetoric finally, great, join the club, they did it to me too... and causing division within countries are communist and socialist strategies that do not end, it's just how they operate... but back to this reparations thing... people that were probably minding their own business trying to put some food on the table for their families and communities were victimized, subdued, and trafficked to differing countries and whatever the usa was before it was declared to be usa was one of the destinations for these trafficked humans... it seems that greedy selfish elitist people that didn't want to do hard work for themselves found a way to legally 'purchase' those humans that were illegally trafficked into america where inhumane treatment was allowed to continue until enough people were made aware of the atrocities that those suffering and poorly treated folks had to endure, it seems that some 'slave owners' were a bit nicer to their 'property' than others were, and so some of the humans that were treated inhumanely and more like animals and had a much more difficult life to endure than most people will ever know and ever care to imagine. i can't begin to think about the struggles of how people who were treated like animals and had become totally dependent on their 'owners' who didn't wish to spoil their possessions at all, nope... their possessions that were real actual humans were made to believe that they were sub-human and so their forced lifestyle became that of 'survival' and not the sort of lifestyle that anyone would wish on their enemies never mind descendants... but then those same folks that were forced into slavery and their descendants that were born into slavery were one day 'set free' in some respects... enough people with good hearts and common sense put an end to america's governing laws that allowed human slavery once and for all, it seems there was a big civil war that proved that, lot's and lot's of real actual white american males even died because they either knew, or didn't know right from wrong, seriously, you should look it up on the internet if you don't want to take my ignorant word for it... but then some of the folks that identified themselves as 'slave owners' still didn't want to hear that they were wrong and slavery was wrong and treating anyone better or worse than yourself is also wrong... no... they didn't want to learn from the spanking that the 'yankees' had dealt to them and continued in their mistreatment of other humans that they still deemed to be 'less than human', in fact they even went about making sneaky laws to protect their own misguided lifestyles and thinking... and then other people with bigger hearts and common sense put an end to those sneaky self-serving laws... that's a little bit of american history for anyone that forgotten about it or heard otherwise... but then people with big hearts and common sense thought that the USA as a government should help former slaves that had been dependent on their previous 'owners' and help to set them free on a path of their own 'independence' and life journey with some common sense tools and resources to do so  and if you were enslaved to be a farmer and work the land there was nothing more common sense than the notion of 40 acres of your very own land and a mule which is a real actual animal that can and will assist in the difficult labor involved in real actual farming and all of the labor required to do it well... does that seem like some crazy idealistic pipe-dream to you or does it sound a little bit like common sense... well reality is that we will never know because common sense was replaced by a 'nothing to see here' mentality and it's subsequent actions, and so folks that were raised to do whatever other people demanded of them were told they were now free and we hope you will be alright now, they were told that laws would protect them from being enslaved again but that's about it, they were told that they have rights to the same free public education that everyone else had rights to, they were told that they have actual real rights now... and then they were told 'good luck to you with the rest of your life's journey, a journey of independence even thought they had only been taught to depend on others, but you are free now so please go on with your lives and behave like the independent folks of society do... well that's just all kinds of stupid if you ask me... so when agitated and angry people are considering and contemplating reparations for slavery they have my support if they choose do implement such plans wisely and include things like freedom and independence and personal responsibility and a real tangible way to earn income and even help with others who might need some help of their own some day... i'm a white amercian male conservative and a christian one at that and i will donate some money to the cause of a decent and well planned form of reparations for the descendants of former slaves because i think it's the right thing do to, not because anyone is demanding it from me, demand anything from me me and you get a punch in your mouth or worse, but for people with a good heart and common sense demands are never necessary for anything, demands just agitate others that you wish to make subservient with your angry rhetoric and inadequate actions and behavior... suggested reading, and more suggested reading... love me today and hate me tomorrow is a way of life that i am comfortable with so your opinion doesn't phase me a bit but come back another day to read if you wish, you might either hate or love the thoughts are flow from my ignorant dum-old white guy american noggin'... and call or label me what you choose, none of that defines me and the free-thinking abilities that i posses, but if you can actually clearly articulate your own perspective which might be contrary to mine i still enjoy reading it, use the form at the bottom of my home screen to do so, it starts with 'comments and criticism', use it, i won't bite back.  --  ct

07-19-21 laterer: if you ask me why i write and what this website is all about and my motivation for publishing this website and updating it's contents all of the time for no apparent reason... well then i'm glad you asked... when people that require help that they know that need or that other people know that that you need, then the best place to begin with any sort of real help is for the recipient of the required help to be transparent, as open and honest with themselves and the person that might be trying to help... transparency and honesty with, and from others is all that anyone really expects but most people hate the idea of doing that very simple little thing, and the more open and honest with yourself about the sorts of things that motivate you and what sorts of previous actions and behaviors and what the motivations behind them really were, well then that's when some folks don't want to be transparent anymore, and for some that is almost a non-existent foreign entity... transparency, that is... and for some it's with good reason because regretful actions and behaviors can be a terrible thing to keep reminding ourselves with for an eternity, my religious preference allows a person to be atoned for such selfish and sinful actions and behaviors, but it doesn't force a full-on, straight-out change in motivations and behaviors, it instructs and begs for unselfish behavior and actions, but it never demands a thing from a person, it begs for self reflection and understanding others and knowing that they aren't anymore perfect than you might be but that we are all created imperfect and yet still equal, it never forces anyone to do anything, it just gently begs the student to hear the words and heart of a misunderstood god... and so really part of my motivation for writing has a bit to do with my religion but then part of my motivation is help folks that have similar life experiences to mine sort of understand that a military veteran that experiences some aspects of civilian life that they are not pleased with, or struggles in, or worse... suffers in... i can assure you that i am not a professional smart person or have any qualifications to do so really, but i can tell a veteran that may have experienced some sort of traumatic or even a non-traumatic event and that is struggling as a civilian... i would just like to take this opportunity to say that there is this sort of concept that some folks try to explain with a couple of simple words such as 'suffering in silence', and really i think that the concept is to help some folks like me to understand that no one is perfect, and to effectively process previous experiences and live a healthy and productive life if we have internalized too much stuff and have difficulty communicating to a degree, i think that the term 'suffering in silence' also speaks to other non-military folks that also have a great deal of difficulty living healthy and productive lives too, and sometimes people can still live healthy and productive lives and then also still have difficulties maybe from time to time, or maybe it's most of the time, but i think the term suffering in silence is something that speaks to many people, and to some folks more than others and for some folks a little bit here and there, but there is an element of suffering that all humans experience and some folks more than others and some folks suffer but they may not realize that they don't have to internalize their suffering, that suffering isn't a prized possession to hide from thieves, in fact you might think that you are hiding your suffering from others but others can probably tell that you are suffering more than you know... some people can tell that you are suffering whether you are honest with yourself to know it yet, but some folks already know that you are suffering and i really don't have any answers to end your suffering but i can help steer you toward a local Vet Center perhaps, if you are a veteran, or maybe to a trusted mentor or maybe even a doctor if you are not a veteran... i don't really have any answers for you so to speak, i am a simple person that requires religion, and brutal honesty, and sometimes some cannabis-sativa, and the understanding of loved one's, and the help of other humans that are better qualified to assist a simple guy like me, that's all that i can tell you... i can only tell you that if you are somehow or someway suffering in silence because you don't understand where or who to go to for the help that you need or don't know that you need i can only tell you that it is an unhealthy way to live your life, dealing with things that are hard to explain and live with is a bit of what 'suffering in silence' kind of feels like to some people, and letting go of your ego and reaching out for help is a good place to start for folks that might be a bit like me... some people might even get to a point in their lives where they can't imagine that there could be any sort of help that will end their suffering and they elect to take the route of suicide as a solution to end all problems, that's a bit unhealthy too, after entirely too much contemplation on the subject of suicide it seems that communicating to others before such decisions might actually be a better end result, and partly because something as devastating and traumatic to see or hear about someone else's suicide requires more understanding than you give them the ability to hear directly from yourself... suffering in silence is this painful phenomenon that requires direct action and communication from those of us that understand a bit what i'm writing about... for me on a personal level writing the way that i do and as often as i do have been a decent tool to help in learning how to communicate better... i'm not suffering much in silence anymore, instead i suffer loudly for the world to hear and help when required, and today that's why i write ... -- ct

07-19-21 more later than before:  there are very public people that run into the same types of struggles and issues that many people struggle with, and then there are the occasional few that get honest with themselves and the general public when they realize such things... i read this article probably a week or so ago, and there is this american born actress named Patricia Heating that had a great moment of realization in her life, she had come to the realization that she had been utilizing alcohol as a form of self-medication to a degree, she had come sort of realization that maybe her favorite beverage had become more of a great tasting beverage and that there was something that she liked about it and maybe the way that it made her feel, and maybe how frequently she had consumed, and there was a great realization that happened where she had decided that it would be wise for her to continue in such consumption of alcohol... anytime someone realizes that they are some how or another 'self-medicating' with something because it makes them feel differently somehow it's important to understand and be able to explain in big boy and big girl words how that something made you feel this other way, that's sort of a foundational thing that is helpful for folks to understand if something becomes problematic enough that they want to change their actions and behaviors and maybe even become more healthier in doing so... i really don't know a ton on that subject really so i probably shouldn't try top get too deep into this sort of topic but i can tell you this much which i can attest to with my very own real life experiences and someone who self-medicated with alcohol and other things from time to time, but i can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt and with complete understanding that if you try a little but of alcohol and you feel a bit of a slight warm and tingly sensation, well maybe i can't really explain that little bit of a feeling that is different than usual, well i can tell you that the little bit of a warm and fuzzy feeling that you might experience from a serving or two depending on your your weight that the warm and fuzzy feeling is the only thing that alcohol is much good for besides the physiological benefits from small quantities of regular alcohol consumption... i can tell you as an old guy that's been around the block a time or two that self-medicating with larger quantities of alcohol will never yield your desired results, and partly because there is a little bit of exhaustion and stress that a small bit of alcohol can seem to help with, but alcohol is one of those sorts of things where a little bit might be beneficial, but it's one of those things where it's easy to 'over-medicate' with, and then too much of a little bit actually benefits no one ever, a little bit of a good thing might actually be a good thing to most folks, but then too much of a good thing is a huge fvcking waste of time and energy and money and hang-overs and poisoning and personal hardships and distancing yourself from others and even after all of that you still haven't solved any problem that you might possibly be medicating yourself over in the first place... look, i'm no professional smart person or hold any credentials worth bragging about but i have lived fifty-something years and have had lot's of experiences and setbacks and hurdles and obstacles to overcome and i can tell you that that little bit of a small warm fuzzy feeling that happens with alcohol consumption is the only help that it can offer, and that trying to consume more and more to get a better warm and fuzzy feeling proves the point that it's not really an effective form of medication really because it clearly doesn't solve any problems, it might seem to make life a bit easier for you in some respects, and maybe it offers you the time and energy to reflect on things that bother you but additional consumption on top of that has catastrophic end results for many people who don't become aware of the fact that they use alcohol to self-medicate and they never seek out help from others that can help them understand why certain things bother them and how alcohol might have sort of been helping a little bit with certain problems that they might require a bit of help with... i appreciate Patricia Heating being open and honest with herself and the general public about the sorts of struggles and understanding that are the most personal to her and for using her platform to try to steer others in a better direction... personally speaking i am not a person with a high public profile that can utilize a respected platform to help others but i'll still do my little part if and when i can... anyway i just wanted to take this moment to say that i appreciate Ms. Heating for airing on the side of sharing 'too much information' because sometimes too much information is just the right amount of insight that some folks require... and if that makes no sense to you then you will probably won't understand what i mean when i say that every bit of too much information that i have shared on this crummy little platform has already been enough to help more than one other person and so my mission is complete and everything else is icing on the cake... i clearly don't care what other's think of me and airing on the side of too much information seems to be beneficial at times, using alcohol for self-medication is a bit like putting a small bandage on a severed artery for some folks, and that is an unhealthy choice of tools to fix the problem, using appropriate tools to fix a problem is a much better solution than using screw-drivers to hammer a stake into a stone, screw-drivers are good for turning screws but that's about it.  --  ct

07-17-21:  five hours of sleep is better than most nights, so i won't complain, at least the early birds were up before me today so that's a bit encouraging. i know some folks that hang out at a place call austin 17 house that is located in brentwood, nh... i didn't know much about them before i asked a friend yesterday, and it prompted me to poke around their website before i began this morning's writing... A17 is named after a young man that died early in life, and the mission statement and organization as a whole is a noble one... i may send them some support one day because their cause is an important one. Some younger folks find acceptance and validation and purpose in athletics and others in academics and others in religion and others being around folks that are very similar to themselves... and then some folks do not, and for folks that struggle with some types of obstacles that not everyone else struggles with there are organizations like A17 that show them that they are not forgotten about and are just as important in life as everyone else... well those are my words not theirs but you can check out their website if you want to hear about them in their own words, but i appreciate some folks that hang out there and participate and assist others there and now that i read a bit more about the organization i appreciate them as much as the young folks that i know that participate there...

... when i wrote last night's blog entry below i did as i always do, write off the top of my head, and then when i just re-read it i realized that some of the thoughts behind my words are a message that folks that participate at A17 will hopefully someday understand, everyone is imperfect whether they look so or not, and everyone is equal to one another whether they feel it or not, and whether they are treated that way or not, and everyone has some sort of purpose and gifts or talents or skills and intelligence and understanding in life whether they understand them yet or not... personally speaking my life has been one filled mostly with 'or not', and so i sympathize with their mission and understand it's value, and this morning that's why i write.  --  ct

07-17-21 later: OK, i just had a breakthrough in my life that's been long required, i am not proud or arrogant or participate in any organizations that promotes the use or legalization of cannabis, however i have found it's consumption in various forms to be therapeutic in my own particular noggin or mind or physical uniqueness, whatever i am uniquely made up of, well i somehow find beneficial aspects to my life when i consume certain varieties and strengths of plants that some latin-speaking folks refer to as cannabis sativa and cannabis indica but whatever that clever-plant really is it can work wonders on my simple brain sometimes, and today the break through that i've long required is understanding what benefit, or actually one major benefit of the list of multiple benefits that i benefit from in my consumption of canna is that it helps me TUNE OUT DISTRACTIONS that really aren't all that important, i'll be able to articulate that better now that i have actually identified that aspect of it's therapeutic quality more specifically... if folks 'smoke weed' or consume cannabis in any other form on any consistent basis than they owe it to themselves and anyone else in their lives to understand why they consume, and it seems that maybe some folks that might be veterans who might deal with symptoms like anxiety that sort of get clumped under an umbrella of symptoms that some folks like to call post-traumatic-stress-disorder or PTSD and then in my particular and individual genetic make-up i deal with this other sort of thing that some folks call 'hyper-vigilance', or certain traits of that, and so somehow i have some some nasty sets of symptoms that at some times are worse than others and really though i think for some one that has a history of understanding too many of the threats that i've been exposed to and otherwise understand, well i can tell you straight out that canna helps me to slow-down the hyper-active threat assessment that my mind can't help but to engage in, it helps my mind to slow down enough to understand that perceived threats are mostly just over stimulating distractions in my mind... it seems that i don't fare well with over-stimulating environments because i am easily distracted by lot's of things that aren't really as important enough for me to lose focus of other more important things and priorities, it seems that in my particular case i am a person that had been exposed to multiple things that some people call trauma, some at various stages of development, and when i say trauma i mean a physical and emotional thing that happened simultaneously and to a degree in which i was not well equipped to process or understand or deal with yet in my life from that moment on, but then when you can better and more fully understand why certain traumas impacted me in the ways that they had and how they might actually impact my life to a degree today is a pretty important step for me in personal growth and development, my mind doesn't seem to slow down for anything sometimes whether i am alone or surrounded by a zillion distractions and many times for no particular reason at all and then when you mix that in with some difficult moments that had impacted my life in multiple ways and don't forget to mix in that hyper vigilance thing on top of it well then you end up with a guy that has found therapeutic quality to consumption of cannabis-sativa or cannabis-indica hybrid... my apologies if the words above were ill-written but they will be of benefit the next time that i speak with this gentlemen from the VA Center, i believe his mission is to help get me re-calibrated in my mind so i can live a more healthy and productive life to the best of my imperfect capabilities... i think that's his desired outcome and would be mine as well, but he's a pro and i are not so i'm happy for his help and assistance and the some of the words above will be very fruitful for future discussion between he and i i'm sure. ... (07-19-21 UPDATE: so this is another important aspect to understanding continued use of canna, it's important to understand why the 'effects' of the canna is or was helpful, and then to also to know and understand why it may clearly have been a terrible decision if you had a bad reaction of any sorts, someone somewhere has understanding of such things and could give me informed and helpful response...but what i'm trying to say is that most of the time it seems to help me focus on things that some other things are distracting me from focusing on, in different words it helps in over-reacting to unnecessary stimuli, in other words it helps a simple guy from thinking too many non-simple things things at all once... but really those are just descriptive phrases to make a point, but then there is a real varying degree of the basic point, there is a 'dimmer' or a varying level of what i tried to describe and sometimes canna helps but the past couple of days it started out with a reaction of mild panic of sorts and that isn't helpful for anyone, and then for a guy with elevated blood pressure and deals with some symptoms of anxiety that canna typically helps with it's worth noting that any sort of panic feeling is the worse sort of symptom, so why is this particular hybrid oil that i purchased a few days ago really actually causing that panic sensation during the first thirty minutes or so after consuming? it was legally purchased from a reputable and fully licensed store that sells such products, and all test and lab reports that came with this batch suggests that there are no contaminants that would be harmful, and i barely consume or medicate at all lately so i am what some folks refer to as a 'micro-doser', i consume one small average size vapor inhalation as i typically would and this hybridized strain of canna oil starts off uncomfortable and then slowly settles back down into more expected results... does it mean that my body and mind no longer requires the thc, does it mean that this particular strain is just the wrong one for my physical make-up, does it mean that it that the terpene profile was inadequate for me... those are all valid questions which many professionals will have varying opinions based on varying studies and education but they are all the sorts of questions that show why true real scientific and medical research should be allowed in the united states of america... but really i'm a simple guy living in a world full of distractions that prevent me from focusing on things that are really important in life, like food, water, and sleep, and the people around me the most and in my case i also happen to require religion, and in particular case my religion is based of the teaching and life example of jesus of nazareth and he didn't teach much about canna while he walked and talked to his closest friends and other followers, so i'm counting on science and the medical profession to try to catch up to the year 2021 and maybe help explain why certain variations of these herbs can be helpful for some people sometimes and other times and other variations of such herbs are clearly not helpful... whatever the right or wrong answer may be i can tell you that 'gelato' even in exceedingly small doses is a hybrid strain that i will not be purchasing again, ever ever never again and thank you very much, it makes no sense though from a purely logical perspective based on what i've read... or really it's just not reading proper research on my behalf i suppose... anyway, i thought this update will also be beneficial to future conversation with medical professionals that i am now working with.) -- ct

07-17-21 a bit laterer: hello, young people and old people that still behave badly, hellooo... i have a quick lesson for you but i'd like to begin with two examples of how some people think more about themselves and spend too much time exercising their poor and sometimes impulsive behavior... last night some knuckleheads across the street began lighting fireworks off on Main street in the town that i live in and it began around 11:10 p.m. EDS time in the USA, yes, after 11:pm, where people live close enough that i could kill them by throwing a rock at them... so those folks are grown-up children whose parents were non-existent, or possibly a bit absent, or had far too much difficulty teaching them about mutual respect... so that's example numero uno... and example bee was learned when reading some local news that some other grown-up children smashed through a thick glass door using something described as a cinder-block, and that heavy object that was used to destroy someone else's property and then utilized to gain entry into that same property in which that grown-up child had stolen several boxes of cigarettes and what little money was left unsecured or left in the open... and then that second example makes me wonder if their parents were non-existant, or possibly a bit absent, or had far too much difficulty teaching them about mutual respect... those two examples remind me of a word that many folks whom were previously incarcerated speak about... 'RESPECT'... it seems that the legal system in the usa isn't perfect, but many of those who passed through that system had learned and understood something that is important that others had failed to make them understand which is that mutual respect is very very very important in life, especially if you are a fan of freedom, and it seems to me that when we treat others as ours real true 'equals' that mutual respect comes natural, and it seems to me that the evidence that you understand that our personal imperfections and the imperfections of others don't make us anymore or any less equal to others is the mutual respect that you extend to all... please accept my big steaming smelly pile of dog crap to those who aren't a fan of a legal system that punishes grown-up children that haven't really learned about true equality and the mutual respect which is required of the citizens of our country... HELLO... you will learn the importance of mutual respect someday and your own personal level of stubbornness may dictate how big and difficult that lesson can be to fully learn and appreciate... personally speaking i did not grow up with two parents who tried to make me understand the importance of mutual respect, i had several challenges to overcome in my own personal struggle through life before i learned that value, but now i have a decent understanding of this important life-lesson, and my spouse and i have decided to be to be proactive and diligent and to really and actually teach our three off-spring the same value in this life lesson so hopefully they will not end up experiencing the corrections facilities that are used by our legal system... it's also important to seek help if you are a parent or guardian of someone that has a great deal of difficulty learning and understanding and extending and receiving respect... it's far too important to just hope and assume that they will learn it on their own before someone else has to teach them that life-lesson... respect and freedom are always extended to those who embrace such an important life lesson... if you already understand the importance of such a life-lesson what are you doing with that knowledge and wisdom... are you teaching the next generation or are you keeping that valuable information all to yourself... in case you haven't noticed there happen to be lot's of people around who might benefit from your wisdom and understanding, some people just really haven't been taught that sort of thing yet... parents teach your children about real actual important things that will help them to grow and be a useful and respected member of society... pretty please and thank you. -- ct

07-17-21 a bit more later than before:  understanding your place in this world as far as it relates to equality, meaning that that you are just as important yet as insignificant as the next person, that interpretation or definition may not sound cool to you, but it's sort of my lose definition or meaning to understanding a healthy and balanced ego, but then that perspective is also based in part to a heavy religious philosophy which encourages individuals to discover self-worth, i believe that most major religious philosophies around the world encourage a healthy understanding of individual and actual self-worth, and then i suppose that they probably also encourage their participants or whatever us religiousy types of folks should be labeled, i suppose that they encourage 'participants' to understand how dependent we might be on others and how to communicate and behave with mutual respect with everyone while utilizing useful and helpful skills to keep ourselves alive and then possibly even helping or assisting or bartering with other people, but then again i'm not a professional smart person so please don't take my word for it... but it's of my own personal opinion (just like everything else written on this website) that most religions or parents or communities or mentors or counselors or teachers and maybe even some other smart professional encourage and teach others that they are equal to everyone no matter what they've been told or how they have been treated or how they treat others and they probably have useful understanding and physical and intelligent skills to keep themselves alive and useful and helpful as much as they are capable of, but only real professional smart people know that sort of thing for sure... in my bliss it's all just speculation really... hold on, my apologies, i'd like to continue that thought but my eyes are toast/strained whatever this nastiness is really called, but it's kicking my @ss right now... cheap-ass reading glasses... I'll be back in a bit probably.  --  ct 

07-17-21 much more later: after supper and my eyes a tad rested i want to bring one thing to your attention, if you aren't happy that i don't allow anyone in the world to post their comments and opinions on the bottom of the crap that i write on this website i have a great example for you, but i won't share the exact details because the issue that it relates too is still a bit too fresh and raw to elaborate, but try going online and read a published article and then scroll down to the bottom where folks start injecting their own perspectives on the main article, and then read for yourself how many people twist and turn the valuable information into a circus show with all kinds of distracting and poor attempts at humor that show how little they actually understand about the contents of the article... there are almost one point three zillion examples of such distracting and ignorant points of view every day on this internet thing that we are partaking in at this very moment. those examples are not difficult to find and they can distract folks from the value of the article itself... you and i are too important to allow for such distractions, distracted people distract others from learning and maturing the same as in early educational environments, and some folks never learn that sort of lesson themselves... so if you require an injection of your own perspective use the form call 'comments and criticism' at the bottom of the home page to do so... many folks won't take the time to do so because taunting people and distracting others is the goal of web trolls who think they are smarter than everyone else... i have news for you... you most likely are not. -- ct

07-16-21: nice day today, a little busier than usual but nice busy... hot and humid in the merrimack valley, but it's cooled off a bit since the temp read 91... it's so nice out now and i had such a good day and i'm hanging out with some of my most favorite people in the world that i can't bother with current events and the sneaky changes that's been brewing in washington dc and blue run cities and states in the usa... nope, not tonight... it's too nice out and i'm a bit exhausted and really just enjoying freedom tonight. try this on for freedom, for a second... understand that you are a bit imperfect like everyone in this world that's ever been and ever will be... understand that you are not only imperfect just as everyone around you but you are also completely one hundred percent just as equal and i mean completely equal... you are one hundred percent as imperfect yet as equal to everyone that you see, some folks have various types of handicaps and to various degrees that many don't have but you and they and i am every bit as imperfect and equal as everyone else and all anyone asks us to be is just our regular honest selves, no one should have ever asked or demanded anything else than you just being your regular ol' self... you are every bit as important or unimportant as everyone else around you because we are all equally imperfect but useful as everyone else, and if you are not more than average handicapped you will have talents and skills to exercise, and wisdom that you will gain and be able to share with others when you realize your self worth... but to me your self worth is just as worthy as mine, because we are equal no matter what you think or what anyone says... you and i and everyone else around us is are equal... quit thinking that you are any less or any more significant than anyone else... you are not, so quit acting that way please and understand your place in this world, as equal as anyone else... search and find and understand your talents and skills and how they can be useful for life and to be useful and productive and be able to share your wisdom to then next generation, they are counting on you whether you understand it or not, and whether we like it or not we are all stuck in this same world together... start exercising your useful skills and talents and understanding them in the freedom that america offer's it's citizens and jesus offers his followers, there is freedom in understanding your real equality and understanding your imperfections and seeking help for the crap that you require help with and exercising your useful talents and skills and wisdom without making anyone feel less than you while not letting others make you feel less than them, mutual respect and honesty should be offered to all and expected from most... some folks will never understand that they are actually imperfect and equal as everyone else so they may not extend mutual respect and honesty back to you... if you feel less than equal to others you are not being honest with yourself, you have more self worth than you may understand but may have had some setbacks that you may require a bit of help... and if you are greater than equal, or better than others and think you are always smarter than others than you are not being honest with yourself, sometimes folks like you require a hard fvcking punch in your ignorant mouth and nose a dozen times or so to help you understand your place in this world, and then after that you can seek the real help that you require as well... but as far as i'm concerned i'm just as imperfect as the next person and every bit as equal and free as well... i'm not smart enough to explain it anymore clearly or directly than that, but i've found freedom in america and in christ and in the freedom they offer and the simple teachings of that jesus fella, he taught that we are all equal and imperfect and useful and i'm not smart enough to expand on any of that right now, all i know that is that the freedom that i enjoy is something that cannot be taken or stolen or removed... as far as i'm concerned you are every bit as my equal as i am yours... will you extend that back to me? -- ct

07-15-21 later:  i think if i were a monk i would want to be the jolly happy beer-making social type, i don't think i could be the silent temple always meditating and praying type... i are not that type at all... i'd have to be the type that hangs with the non-monks and share a pint of my home-brew with regular folks... i don't know how much i could tolerate always hanging with the monky monks... i just saw a picture full of monks and so pardon my open-air contemplation, i guess i'm not really into monk stuff so much... that's all i'm trying to say...

... the next episode of Alone is on in a bit and i'm looking forward to seeing how the participants are doing this week... if there was ever a tv show that i wanted to participate in it is That show... i don't think i'd be a tap-out based on missing family and people in general like some folks do, i think if i had to tap-out on that show it would be due to a couple of old gimpy body parts totally giving out, or lack of nutritious and sustaining food... and then there is always an unknown variable, the sort of thing that you had no idea to expect or even just a physical accident is an unfortunate type of unknown variable... i think for me it would be an accident or my 50-sumtin old body proving that i'm no longer in my prime... maybe someday i'll get to see if that challenge is really a possibility, but at my age a three month vacation like that is really appealing... to me a vacation is the time that people do things for themselves to get away from their routines and to regroup and refresh... and realistically the writing material from an experience like that would be awesome, but i don't know if a vacation like that is realistically in my future, it seems that i'm a bit old and gimpy right at the moment, and still push myself beyond realistic limitations entirely too much... hence the gimpy old body parts i suppose...

... i'm hoping to chill out with political observations and perspectives for a while, it get's my blood pressure up when i see pathological liars and dividers and inciters in office and trying to change the foundation of our government into their preferred utopia... it really bugs the crap out of me some days... maybe i ought to think about becoming a monk or an Alone participant to get my mind off of out of socialist controlling manipulation and it's ramifications to our country... it is the core of how i was triggered back in october last year to begin writing, so i don't know how much i can really keep from writing about it but i'm trying.

07-14-21: slept a bit better last night, less busy day today... so today is pretty good... i'm a bit cranky after reading some news reporting on more biden admin sneaky crap and outright lies... i've had about enough of compromised politicians that are in it for celebrity status and personal gain.  i received an email from chris pappas' office, he's the congressman for my district... his email asked a simple yes or no question, do you think that members of congress should vote to give themselves a pay raise, and that question was triggered by some of them folks starting the whole process to do just That, it seems.  I wished that the 'survey' included follow-up for opinion, and my own opinion is that every congress person and senator should receive whatever the real actual median household average for the geography that they represent... if they aren't already wealthy then they are on level playing field with the people that they are supposed to represent... i know that's a bit of a pipe-dream due to many variables but how can rich-ass elite politicians ever going to get real with themselves and what's important if they live luxurious lifestyles and are unaffected by lock-downs and restrictions and everything else that real working class and and poverty-level folks struggle with... crap... i'm on supper duty, pardon my rude departure.  --  ct

07-14-21 later:  supper was good, thanks... today was pretty good overall, had a good time hanging with a neighbor who gave us some fresh veggies, and then hanging with daughter who caught me up on the rest of the twilight movies... they were brilliantly done... and then a gentlemen that is trying to help me in my employment and self employment journey as well as additional common sense help with other matters, and then... well, whatever, but today was a decent day indeed... i'm not completely done cussing out the compromised acting job that biden and his compromised hooligans are stirring within our country... howard dean who proved his run away ego with his psyco-something ye-haw screech while running for president is still arrogant enough to criticize desantis... go away howard, and please go far away, like to a communist country for awhile so you can come back and tell your ghoulish network of socialist and communist pals how shitty their goals are... please go now... and just when Are you going to wake up to the fact that many many many people can see through your terrible acting... not everyone is a member of the mobs and herds that you run in the cities and can clearly see what you are doing to destabilize america to gain dominant communist control... you fools must know that's what your real actual leaders are forcing with this foolishness don't you... nope, many dems will be blinded by their own egos continuing in lunacy and doing whatever they are told to believe... i wouldn't be so hard on them if they weren't pulling their crap in such secrecy and deceptive and distracting actions... maybe if they would just be honest with themselves and the rest of america why they are politicking the way they are instead of just honestly stating what their real goals are... it would help with country as a whole if you would just simply do that you know... when you have half decent listening skills sometimes you need to pick up on what the person on the other end of the phone is trying to tell you, some people can articulate themselves perfectly and others not so much... so the democrat strategists assumptions that people are too stupid to know what's good for them so they won't ever really tell folks what our game-plans are... well personally speaking i think that's a terrible approach to communication, but terrible plans for terrible goals require all of the crap that they are now doing with their short-lived majority... and they are still livid about not having a majority on the supreme court too... good grief... so go on with the demands for packing the supreme court and trying to make cheating during elections alive and well and getting mad at the republican managed states that have caught on to your acts and changed their own voting laws already, but then again the democrats have the largest voting block of deceased and geographically moved voters and people will always be dying so they still have a chance of winning anyways despite republican states new laws, but then again the dem leadership know's that so why are they so scared at all the new voting laws all of a sudden... buffoons... yes, carry on with your destabilizing america through your inaction to enforce real actual laws that prevent the huge crime spike over the last two years and by opening our southern border wide-open for anyone with anything that wants to do whatever they want to do in america, terrorists, active criminals, TONS of uncontrolled untested narcotics and their synthetics... yes, keep going on and on with your shitty ways of conducting sneaky legislation... hellooooooo DNC and your communist associates... i'm not the only person that was triggered by your shameful election and the way you divided our country so brilliantly over the past few two years, hellooooo, i'm not the only person in this country and around the world that can clearly see what you are doing... well anyway, i'm done being grumpy for the night because after they turn our once free COUNTRY... at least there is still GOD and FAMILY which are things that stay in my heart not a geographic location... please quit trying to demand to change this country, socialism and communism frown upon personal freedoms and are not very sustainable... but you already knew that, right?  --  ct

07-13-21: chris bad sleep last night, chris have weird day today... chris go back to weird day now.  --  ct

07-12-21: so this is what eight hours of sleep feels like... it's quite strange really, i didn't run to coffee the moment i rolled out of bed, partly because there isn't a job to have to get to at an hour that's challenging for a non-sleeper that lives too far from work... don't get me wrong please... i love me a good cup of coffee really, so don't think that i'm ignorantly judging the deliciousness of a perfect cup of coffee with the perfect ratio of half and half to sugar, in fact once my cana tea is done i'm going to fetch some decaffeinated coffee, so maybe it's just the fact that i've been so reliant and dependent on that wonderful bean and the medicine within it. stimulants don't magically just wake people up and start moving and thinking better, they increase blood and oxygen flow through your body by increasing heart rate... it seems that my blood pressure is a bit higher than most doctors prefer so i've been trying to get real with myself about why i drink what i drink and when i drink it and whether or not those drinks are helping me or hindering me but you can't understand how and why they are helping or hindering until you have that get real with yourself opening conversation... i might drink coffee for the rest of my remaining days but now that i have higher than preferred blood pressure i'm having this sort of awkward conversation with myself about why i do what i do... i know that on the days where i am running on inadequate sleep i don't much feel like having that conversation with myself though... it seems that inadequate sleep can do strange things to humans, and especially strange humans... two 'strange's' don't equate to one non-strange, it seems that a double-negative is a principle that if faulty in communication, mathematics, humans and probably a bunch of other stuff too, i'm sure. anyway, i'm sure that there is some coffee with some caffeine in my future today but it's just not required in order to jump-start my day right now... this sleep thing is incredible... you should try it sometime, it seems that sleep is brilliant. -- ct

07-11-21: well i'm happy to report that i was awake before the early birds again... if lack of sleep and waking early were a competition between the early birds and i... well they get the best of me most days but i gave them hell today... today i beat them all and it was by hours, not minutes. today's reality check for me was when i finally understood that more sleep was not in the forecast and so i stopped trying... reality check... squirming around fighting sleep was no longer an efficient use of my time... i hope i'm not overly grumpy today... and i can't believe that i used to just go to work after a few hours of sleep and try to be productive like this... not so brilliant ehh. i haven't checked sporting news to see who won porier and mcgreggor take three lastnight but man connor did his thing BIG time by trying to distract dustin... his tactics used humor anger fear and really i don't follow their sport so i'm sure that there are other distracting types of things that he did to try to get any advantage that he could... hold on ! ... why are there so many gun shots at 04:47 in the morning? they aren't terribly close otherwise i'd be outside investigating the sounds already, but they are close enough that they are unmistakable... that's pretty darn strange even in NH... a shot or two at daybreak isn't out of the ordinary during hunting seasons but you only hear one or two, not ten'ish... weird... anyhow gunshots are distracting sometimes so my apologies. i'm going to try working on A Conversation in a bit, creativity and focus have been obstacles but i'm a rookie so i just keep at it, i've re-written some parts several times already and still not happy with it... maybe if i wanted to be a communicator i might have thought about studying under folks that are good at it, but my motivations are different than most, and you will notice my motivators in time if you want to keep reading, it won't be today, but keep reading and see if you can find the sorts of things that motivate me, go ahead, i dare you. but today is sunday and besides organizing our home and helping daughter with her room project i think i have a chill day... if you read anything prior to today's post then it's probably obvious that i self-identify as a christian of some sort... the 'still far from perfect' sort... and then if you think twice you might wonder why church isn't in my forecast on a sunday... well that's a bit complicated and not entirely sorted out yet, but let's just say that our church before last was a strange sort of situation that i'm still trying to process, but i'll give you what i've got so far, well maybe just an overview... i am one of those fellas that enjoys volunteering and helping others and even help out with some leadership types of things when called for, that's me in a nutshell... and you might think that someone that is in some sort of leadership position should really know what's going on around me but not always and no one can see everything so keep that in mind... but when this particular church was experiencing more problems than answers it seemed that the time of it's effectiveness was about over, and when a church organization is past it's prime the folks in leadership are the one's that have to make obvious but difficult decisions, and when a rookie church leader finds themselves in the position of having to help close the institution that means a lot to a lot of people it can really screw with a guys head, i guess i should have seen some of the writing's on the wall as we churchy folks like to say, but observing difficult situations and reacting to them in a healthy manor are two different things you see, and i hadn't had a decent night's sleep in years leading up to this particular church closing and it's a ludicrous proposition for a guy that hadn't slept in years to do anything very effectively, especially seeing the writing on the wall and understanding it's full meaning... well that explanation probably sucks so let me just say that i didn't have a good experience being in a position of leadership this time around, it sort of rocked my world but it took years to actually fully process the big picture of what happened... part of the closure is that christians are supposed to put a tenth of our earnings where our mouths and faith are and partly because it takes financial resources to run any organization and if an organization doesn't have the financial resources to keep running then there is a problem and you have to try to find the root of any problem if you really actually fix it, and if the root of the problem is that the church organization had lost it's effectiveness then churches get closed and stuff... not only did i feel like a miserable failure to a degree i also didn't fully process the big picture for years to follow... i'm sure that someday my family and i will find a religious institution that we call our home but right now that sort of proposition seems foreign and strange... i'm one of those strange fellas that enjoys some non-churchy looking churchy stuff everyday and sometimes several times throughout each day so please don't think that i am against church or anything like that, that's not the case, but sometimes i get this sort of churchy feeling when i write so sometimes my writing feels too much like churchy stuff to some readers, fine, i get it, it's just a real actual part of me and who i am so please hang in there if i go in a churchy sort of direction sometimes, i can't help it to a degree i suppose, so again, my apologies... i understand that some of my perspective is off regarding the attendance of some sort of real church gatherings, so maybe pray for me if you are of the praying type, i need a boatload of it somedays, i'm a pretty fvcked up person you know... in fact i'm so fvcked up that i use that vile word in the same sentence that i use the word church or god or those sorts of things... yeah, i know i need some of them prayers, so please lob them my way and trust that the god of my religious preference will fix me somehow... i clearly require more fixing... anyhow i think coffee is overdue so let me pardon myself and go fetch a mug. -- ct

07-11-21 later: no more gun shots since the crack of dawn, i'm still not sure where they came from but they were far enough away to be a curiosity and not a threat to the folks who reside in or close to this house, cool. i'd like to sit and write poetry or something, and i'd like to sit and write about happy sorts of things, and i'd like to write about things to celebrate, and other things which are honorable and worthy of mention... but when you witness a communist revolution in the middle of your own country what's a guy to do... and NO, it's not sit on my old butt and do nothing and just write about good and pleasant things, there may be a day and a time for that, but not while the DNC leadership and it's communist associates and the people they are exploiting as mere tools to carry out their communist and marxist principles that they now embrace so tightly... yeah, now is not the time to sit on my ass and write pleasantries... maybe that time comes after the marxist revolution in america is over, and hopefully soon. the DNC leadership and the angry mobs and tools that they have incited are not resting in the middle of their revolution, so why are you still resting? maybe you aren't the type that cares for politics and chooses a more people-pleasing approach to life, that's fine, when you are no longer an individual and just a lump in the middle of a herd with far less freedom than you've ever known please tell me how helpful it was to not bother doing anything during the revolution that the DNC leadership and it's communist associates are in the middle of... just send me a nice note to say something like 'sorry i was completely ignorant and didn't pay attention to what is going on around me, maybe i should have stood for something during that terrible time'... i appreciate a note like that, it speaks to humility... it speaks to a humility that is completely absent from the DNC vocabulary, they know of no such thing... i'm cool with that, i understand that many people are like that... anyhow please enjoy the revolution that is going on in every democrat run city in the unites states, watch the angry and dismissive behavior of the DNC and enjoy your entertainment... it seems that's all it is to many people, just a distracting and entertaining spectacle... enjoy communism america, it's failed everywhere that it's ever been attempted... but just trust bernie and nadler and boxer because they think they know how to do it right this time... just trust them as they demand, after-all they are professional smart people you know. -- ct

07-11-21 much laterer: i still don't want to let google and other search engines know much about this website until after i finish first book, that one will speak to the most amount of people so i think even in it's simplicity it might the most important one based how many people it can touch... so i want to get that out of the way and then i'll do that thing where you more or less register your website and set up keywords and all that sort of stuff. i'm finally comfortable with my writing style and voice and so this aspect of my career change is easy now, but once i open this up to search engines i will have to deal with exposure that i don't require or care for... so please allow me this low profile for a bit longer... once you hit search engines you start getting included with search results and that's when this site will draw much haters, but really my 'mission' is sort of complete already... if i never write another word i am pleased with the results of this crummy website... when i reach one person that has benefited that's awesome, but once two people were 'reached', well it doesn't get any better than that... and that was months ago already so if this website up and dies tomorrow none of this was in vane because i've already reached multiple folks and that can't be undone and so really it is all worth it... and that's why i write... enjoy your evening. -- ct

07-10-21: so i do this stupid thing most days... well to be frank i do lot's of stupid things everyday i suppose... but i do this thing where i check this silly thing that tells me how many people viewed this that and the other thing... i don't personally care who is viewing what really, but it gives me an indicator of how much trouble i'm causing... if you take a look around this crummy website you might notice that i hadn't implemented the features that i could have, which allow people to 'follow' you to keep up with new things that i posted... please take note that i am not worth 'following' of any sorts, my ego doesn't require it... in fact i sort of consider myself the least important person that this world has every known, so no need to follow thank you very much, i'm about as imperfect a person as the next fvcking guy really... i am what the DoD lovingly refers to as 'non-mission essential', i'm cool with that fact... hold on, hold on please... this fricking motorcycle just drove by that was sooo loud i want to fry him like a chicken finger if he comes back by again, so where did i leave my flame-thrower... my apologies, it seems that i can become easily distracted by @ssholes and such... OK, so i'm back... no followers, right, right? so it seems that 'social media' validates the insecurities of folks according to the number of followers that have subscribed to their nonsense... fine, i've got my share of nonsense, i just don't like any idea of followers, it creeps me out a bit... but if you appreciate my writing style and wish to read more of it... well what's wrong with you anyway... i am not a professional smart person... in fact if you like something that i wrote today come back tomorrow when i will make you hate me... i'm OK with that, are you?  if you ever want to throw me a dollar of support go ahead but you may end up with 'buyer's remorse' tomorrow, and that's my disclosure, good talk then...

... bummer, i just lost a few paragraphs because my internet connection was disrupted... well it was probably crap anyway so fine... so some family members and i were watching a movie today, and a bit of a sliver of a scene spoke to me so let me try to spew it back atcha... it's a movie about vampires and werewolves and us... humans... and so this young lady is really falling in love with this particular vampire, and she has stated that she is 'unafraid' of his vampiredness to a degree, oh... and you should know that these vampires have these specific 'powers' and this particular fella can read people's minds... OK, here goes the couple of lines that spoke to me...

vampire: i can't read your mind, tell me what you are thinking...

human: OK, now i am scared

... and the line clearly states what some folks are thinking many times of the day... that they afraid of what others would think about them if we knew what you were thinking... some folks are insecure in what their thought and are afraid how they would be judged by their peers... well perhaps, maybe... but lately i've been on this kick you see, and this kick is really getting rid of as much insecurities and fear that i can tolerate... and fear is this crazy thing that is different for different people but let me try to articulate my sort of fear this way... there is fear of known and unknown for me sometimes... maybe you can feel me if i put it this way... i'm walking down my street to get something at the closest store and this street only has two lanes, and if i walk one one side of the street i can clearly see oncoming vehicles much better than the other side, and if i walk on the other side of the street i am closer to the vehicles that are coming right up behind me, and if i am afraid of what i can see i might be prone to walk on the other side of the road, and if i am afraid of what i can't see (unknown variables) i want to walk this way and if i am oblivious of unknown variables i can only think about the things that i can see clearly... well that's just me, but really fear is something that needs to be addressed because it's just an emotion and emotions only tell you a sliver of reality... but the insecurities of assuming that you are imperfect and fearful of what other people's imperfect opinions are... well its fvcking awful really... it robs you of any chance to feel what freedom offers... and that's the sort of crap that i no longer have time and patience for... i'm moving right along in life whether you are going to be trapped in fear or not... but really, well let me extend my arm to help you along if need be because i understand that fear slows lot's of people down from time to time, me too perhaps... but in writing my true feelings and observations about powerful people that have resources to kill me full-on AND from behind is helping me to shake some of that crap out of my system... if you read anything that i wrote in the past week you might understand what i am conveying, powerful compromised people can remove me from the face of the earth at any moment and that doesn't bother me a whole lot, i suppose you could say that i forfeited my life the moment that i chose to follow the god of my religious preference, and now i am actually articulating that... you see folks that don't appreciate my critiques are compromised enough to warrant such criticisms, they sort of need to hear it, and then if they shut up for a second and listen then maybe a middle-aged american isn't so threatening afterall, but maybe i'm ok if things go bad quickly... maybe putin wants immediate retribution and he has thugs bring me to him and he throws me in a cage and says 'make me laugh wee little american', and so dialog begins... and then if chi xing is bummed about my words and he brings me in and says 'break rocks for me wee little american' and dialog begins, and if biden and the folks at cnn get sick of me they drag me to DC and throw me in the basement of the whitehouse and the DNC leadership and their communist associates say 'bow to me wee little fvcker'... well some kind of dialog begins... and to be quite frank, everyone has an expiration date whether we fear that moment or not, and so really... well life is much shorter than we like to think so fear is really a huge fvcking waste of time and calories... my apologies if i'm the @sshole to ask you this direct question... but why the fvck aren't you bold and passionate about the things that are actually important... why are you reading this crap instead of sharing your observations with the world... why are you scratching your head saying this guy is nuts and why would anyone say crap like this... well i like to call it conviction, and if i am convinced in my religious beliefs i put my money where my mouth is, and if i am convinced in these same religious beliefs i put my life where my convictions are, that's all i'm saying... perhaps i've got a bit of a john the baptist sort of issue... fvck you king herod, and then my head ends up on a platter, and then there you have it... an expiration date, come on now, we all come with one you know... so why aren't you bold yet, do you have anything to stand for, are you passionate about anything other than you and your feelings... well get fvcking moving mate because time and life are shorter than most of us would like to think and the communist revolution began awhile ago in america whether or not you choose to acknowledge it... but you just sit right there on your lazy ass while the noisy people in the cities take over remove freedom and individual rights and replace it with utopian communism... noooo, your fine... in fact just sit right there because you are too fucking lazy to respond and voice your convictions... hold on, let me fetch you a sandwich while you sit on your fvcking lazy ars, i get it... well i don't suffer from that affliction any longer because noisy angry mobs shouldn't dictate the direction of america, and the compromised egos that are inciting such anger and instability need to be aware that i'm not the only one that sees their putrid games and that america doesn't require the three hundred sixty degree turn that angry mobs and DNC leaders demand... don't you fvcking demand a thing from me because america's constitution is about individual freedoms and independence and we are not a country that is rotten to the core despite the noisy distractions and ager coming from DNC and its communist associates... and that's whether you choose to acknowledge that or not... i'm fine if you are disillusioned and choose not to acknowledge that fact, and i'm fine if you are too fvcking lazy to say anything about it, but i'm getting old and i don't have time to beet around the bush... well anyhow, i'd like you to know and understand that i have chosen freedom over control... which have you chosen, freedom or lazy??? -- ct

07-09-21 later: well that expirement didn't go quite as hoped... an hour and a half later and i'm awake and alert, so there was no falling back asleep, and so four hours it is for the night's slumber... and tonight there will be no such experiment... i ain't settin' no alarm to wake tomorrow, no sir please and thank you... well, here's to a productive day, as productive as i am capable of at this and that and anything else that's required for this day, but don't expect my A-game, you only get what i am capable of with a half night's sleep from a middle aged imperfect american guy... peace.  --  ct

07-09-21 a bit more later: i appreciate fox news some days more than others, i appreciate that they go after compromised egos that are stuck fooling themselves and trying to fool others as well... today they are going hard after the teacher union lady, i'm sure she enjoys her position of power and influence just as much as any DNC leader, they thrive off of that stuff... i'm not into folks that won't just tell you the truth and what their demands are, instead they manipulate the truth to conform to the narrative and sins/desires of their selfish and foolish hearts... it's hard to miss it in folks that truly believe they are entitled to whatever their desires are... yes, i've met plenty of compromised egos... but then if your ego is only slightly off balance you are what some people refer to as 'normal regular people', regular normal people can get a bit wonky from time to time when they loose focus of what is really important and instead focus too much attention on ambitious endeavors and the obstacles that might prevent them from reaching their own futile goals... man i hate being out of control of a circumstance or situation when it seems like it's more than personal and i can't wrap my mind around why my way doesn't seem to work... people that require power and control to satisfy their putrid egos will do all sorts of nasty things and say all sorts of nasty things to distract from truth and why they are missing the obvious... i don't know that i've ever witnessed such conniving egos trying to change america into the thing that i learned and trained how to combat, communism... keep it up DNC and your associates... your conniving demanding arrogance is causing far too great of a problem for america to sit idly by and shut my ignorant little mouth as they would prefer, but maybe i humor them enough to keep them off my back for a bit longer, that would be a treat... but if i get one of my dream jobs that will be difficult to manage, i mean really if the folks from The View want me to be the token conservative i will dress my old white ass in drag to present myself more lady-like as the show seems to require... yes, it would be hard to keep haters off of my back if i were to end up with that gig... and then maybe that secretary of state thing, no one has asked me to do that gig yet either, but there are far too many conniving compromised nations that require a good fvcking poke or two in their chest and told that we see what you are doing and to knock it off now... ask mike pompeo how hard it is to keep haters from wanting to destroy you when your job is to speak truth to rogues that need to hear it... oh yes, and then there would be that position running the DNC, yup, no one has asked me to do that yet either, that dream job would require telling the grown up children that people aren't as stupid as you assume and so knock off the distractions that you think are required to pass shitty legislation and just get fvcking real and honest with yourselves about how and why your feelings were hurt as youngsters and why you prioritize the pander to the emotional discomfort of self-centeredness... but who knows, i remain optimistic about that employment possibility, maybe someday they will like me, maybe they will really really like me... well really i could give a flaming pile of dog poop of what false teachers and compromised egos think of me because i am alive and free and i feel fine thank you very much... and what was that other dream job, well maybe i'd just like to start a small unicorn farm on a quiet homestead somewhere that my family and i can produce small artisan batches of unicorn yogurt... but really i have no place to store these unicorns until we get a homestead to properly house them... but really i think i found my dream job and you are currently taking part in it, thanks for reading because i rather enjoy this writing sort of thing, it makes me happy and that's all that the DNC really wants for everyone, so maybe we have more in common than i thought, i like writing because it makes me happy... and telling everyone that they know best how to make you happy is the DNC's preferred method of communication... so we need each other to a degree, i suppose... they are teaching me much as i observe their conniving sneaky communist distractions, lies, and blinding arrogance... keep it up because maybe we need each other DNC, and less not forget that maybe you want me to run your organization someday... someday, maybe... hah! ... But sorry, i have three kids of my own to help to grow up... anyway i appreciate fox news being the only media outlet to stand up to and expose the disgraced micheal avenetti, micheal was the exact messiah that angry DNCers had hoped and prayed for, well it was him or cuomo... and now avenetti is going to jail for screwing a bunch of people over and it's only a matter of time before cuomo is fully and appropriately disgraced despite having sneaky conniving friends in power... angry DNCers fvcking LOVED that compromised man but their false messiah was flawed in such a way that only the pure in heart could discern, but compromised egos LOVED him... maybe our misses VP will help get him out of jail for free as she and associates have been brilliantly doing with their professional rioters and angry mobs that keep going fvcking nuts in the DNC controlled cities... if you focused on the greater good and not your crummy self focused laws you wouldn't require angry incited mobs to do your dirty work, you could just tell americans the truth, that you hate it and prefer communism and her empty pathetic promises of a unicorn farm on the homestead and lots of delicious artisan unicorn yogurt, the type that mrs. pelosi would love... conniving @ssholes... but thanks again for triggering me into my new profession, i'm off to a bumpy start as i've been finding my voice but the future looks pretty great, and i'm still open to running your DNC organization if you change your mind... i rather enjoy working with all types of people not just my own favorites... anyways i think i'm pretty much awake now but i still want a cup of coffee, so pardon me as i go fetch a mug full. -- ct

07-09-21 a wee bit later: when folks that say that America is a 'Christian Country' they are partly correct, the principles of americas consitution encourages freedom and independance... similar to christianity's message to the world regarding freedom from sin, and independence from oppressors and your foolish heart... well that's a bit different really... jesus taught his followers that man is flawed and that our freedom comes from dependency on the god of my religious preference while also offering independence from false teachers and prophets and their list of a zillion impossible laws... so maybe the label of a 'christian country' is partly true... the freedom and independence that america expects from her citizens is similar to the message of christianity to a degree, but there are some differences worth mentioning... DNC and it's communist associates also assume that man is flawed, however they do not ask us to seek the freedom that christianity and america quietly offers, instead they demand the dependency that parents should afford their children until such a day comes that they are prepared to enter the world without their parents home and money and imperfections... parents are supposed to be teaching and preparing for the real actual world and the independence required to navigate it... DNC and it's communist associates require and expect 'dependency' at all costs, the control of money and food and water and other natural resources are tools to keep imperfect people from hurting each other too much as communist and other controlling nations are well aware of... i sort of like their ideas to some degree but the difference between conservative legislature and DNC-communist legislature is that jesus and christianity softly and quietly ask those with ears to hear and eyes that see to follow the way the truth and the light and his teachings, but DNC-communism demands, christ asked folks to examine the flaws of their heart and to understand why they need a savior and to follow his teachings where DNC-communism says that people are too damn flawed to know what's wrong with them and so instead of allowing the freedom to search for religion and purpose and direction they demand that religion is a fools choice and that their legislature is all that's required to maintain the independence and your forfeiture of freedom... jesus words and teachings expose the flaws that DNC-communism's angry rhetoric and refusal to acknowledge redemption and forgiveness and the freedom that conservatives realize and appreciate... DNC-communism is a religion for the confused that require help and assistance but aren't quite sure what they really need, DNC-communism will gladly TELL you that their freedom only exists with their never-ending hand-outs, they will TELL you that true freedom only exists in the dependencies that they control... they don't show you how to live a life where true freedom is in your heart, they won't tell you that true freedom exists in the circumcised heart... they will tell you to just continue circumcising our peckers in it's stead... i admire some of the goals of communism like sharing our spoils with those less fortunate... jesus taught that aspect of a caring heart... but DNC-communism DEMANDS it... fvck you and your demands... i have a few of my own... the freedom of religion and freedom of speach and the freedom to exist in a country whose constitution still applies today... and in some respects i appreciate some of the promises of the utopian communism, probably the same one's that the DNC appreciates, but the sneaky conniving hearts and behavior of the DNC exposes that their idea of freedom ONLY exists in the form of freedom that they have imagined and have control of... well i'm a reasonable man so once you find an example of a free country based on the marxism that the DNC has embraced tell me all about it please so i can go see for myself, and if the same division between elites and the poor exists in your purported utopia i will gladly go tell you to go try again, because the division between the elite-class and the working-class and the poverty-class exists clear as day in any country where they gave marxism a try... it doesn't fvcking work people, not sure if i can state that anymore clearly... i choose freedom and independence over deceitful promises... but i'm sure that there is a place for communism, just not in america thank you very much... now go find another philosophy to embrace please because i am supposed to defend our country from your conniving trickery, i took a damn oath you know... btw, i appreciate the warnings that some folks have given me and their loving intentions, you are probably one hundred percent correct in your assessment but it seems that i've this affliction where i can't help but to speak-up... i suppose it's a character flaw, maybe pray for me or something, clearly i require it. -- ct

07-09-21 much laterer:  look, i know that i sound a bit confident in some of the things that i have to share but i want to advise you that i am not a professional smart person, if any of my political opinions shake you up a tad then perhaps you should listen to some actual smart people that are convening in the big 'ole state of texas this weekend, get on your internet and watch or listen to some of those smart people at CPAC, and listen to them through the eyes of God - Family - Country (all things bigger than ourselves)... and then back up and re-read my previous writings... do you see the sneaky DNC and it's communist associates hiding behind the wee little tree now, keep looking, surely you can see them hiding behind lies and deception and distractions and destabilization... come on now, can't you see them hiding behind that tiny little apple tree... hellooooo, we see you hiding behind that little tree over there... 'oh no you can't, we're not really here... and by the way, defunding the police... i know you are but what am i, tee hee'... fvcking brilliant... anyway, if you have neither a god or a family or hate america and it's freedom and independence then of course you cannot relate with me then, that's fine, just give me another chance and come back and read my crap another day, i might not be so grumpy... i'm barely running on four hours of sleep for crying out loud... hate me all you want but i still actually love you anyway even if i punch your noisy pie-hole, and really that's because love and respect are the only logical responses... and that's why i write today, because i actually love you but you require a wake up call... and i'm an expensive and ugly alarm clock... the DNC woke me up and now i'm simply returning the favor. --  ct

07-08-21: greetings thursday... this morning i am reminded of boot camp, basic training whatever you want to call it, but that's where i'm at in my mind... well maybe not the entire experience but today i am reminded of just the day or two leading up to it... humongous excitement that the wait is finally over, anticipation for what lies ahead... and if i want to be honest with myself i would add a bunch of nervousness and fear too... parts of me still don't want to remember the ego crushing chaos of boot camp, but with the beauty of hindsight i can say that it was all worth it and the confidence and reality that i was part of a team that relied on me, and then having a 'ready to take on the world, know it all ego' that was psychologically messaged into a non mission essential general issue regular guy and eventually some sort of leader... boot camp can do wonders to help bring a balance to the insecure and oversecure egos over the course of a couple months or so... none of that information above is actually relevant to my point though... no, this morning i'm just reminded of how i felt when i was at the airports and bus terminals and the nervous sort of energy that i did my best to mask... today i have a friend that is embarking on a similar journey, but the goal of that journey isn't to turn him into a lean mean fighting machine and teach him how to march around looking fancy and the like... no, his journey is one that will teach him about the sorts of struggles and distracting behaviors that folks like he and i have a history of doing... the sorts of things that people do instead of being more responsible and honest with themselves and others... i suspect that he will learn to communicate with people on a better level too... there is this sort of basic initial step that folks like us need to do and it begins with being humble, and that sort of humility will lead to unhealthy pride finally being addressed, not the pride that says 'YES' after studying and then receiving an A on your project, but the type of pride that wants to hide the unhealthy behavior instead of getting real about it... someone that i know and love got real with themselves enough to humbly submit to corrective and educational therapy and i can sort of feel that nervous energy of not REALLY knowing what's about to happen, you know it's not going to be a bunch of fun and games, but this thing that some folks call HOPE is what makes the effort all worth it, hope is what tells us that there is something else worth searching and seeking after, and that the outcome is far better than the former... hope has finally come back around knocking on the door of this person's heart and today they are following the promise of hope and a bunch of faith that there temporary project will make them a more honest stronger and better person in just a short while... one of the whole points of this crummy website is to offer a wake up call to any reader that requires one... so even if this crummy website had nothing to do with their journey the very fact that their journey has begun is cause for my celebration and so today begins with hope and optimism ... and the other part of me that just wants to shout YES!!! God speed my dear friend, now make the most of your opportunity and forget about being the person that you think you are supposed to be and learn how to just be... it's time to stop being busy and distracted and spread too thin, and to remember what's really important in life. God speed brother. -- ct

07-08-21 later: OK, let me remind my wife and children and a few close friends... and then alert or inform or disclose to you who falls under the category of 'any other potential reader'... yes... let me please remind you that i am open and transparent and to a hideous degree (which is really why i am questioning my realistic employ-ability), but my current intolerable attitude towards the things which i write critically of are just me being me, and maybe someday i will articulate my grievances in greater detail for anyone that doesn't already understand why i have reached certain conclusions that i have, well let me remind you that i deal with a thing called anxiety or really some things that get clumped together under that label... yes... and then if you deal with certain types of symptoms that can get lumped under anxiety and choose the path to healing you would eventually need to have a conversation or two or as many as it takes with a person who is equipped to help you with such afflictions, and then upon having such beneficial conversation with one of those brilliant folks it might be suggested to you to take note of events or situations that are what those smart folks call 'triggers'... yes, triggers... it seems that some triggers can be more obvious than expected, and others not so much, but i'm no professional so please don't take my words a complete solid legit smart anything, that's my big fvcking disclaimer for the reader... cool??? cool... so anyhow, back to triggers, so none of this has ever been explained to me in any of these words really, but say you can now identify such triggers there has to be some logical next step... right? ... so it seems then, that you would then have to go a bit further into why these triggers bother you so damn much, right... what is it about such events that really rocked your world... it seems that addressing that sort of question might be beneficial perhaps... and then one might suppose that it would be beneficial to also take into consideration what sorts of consequences that those triggers may have caused physically to yourself or others... and emotionally to yourself and others... and then perhaps a person begins to realize why it might be important to make sure that this sort of triggering business was such an important thing to make sure that it doesn't become repetition... i don't know if that's really what professional well-equipped therapeutic folks would really say about all of that stuff really but you should ask one of those folks if you can relate to any of my obvious unstableness... good talk so far... but that's as far as i feel comfortable sharing about my opinions of that sort of stuff really, and partly for me it involved a bit of a wake up call, reality check, or come to jesus moment sort of thing that i am still happy to report that i am still recovering from... and so that's sort of why i don't feel more equipped to share anymore of my opinion on that matter... but i do feel comfortable sharing some of the sorts of things that i think i have 'discovered about myself', and i have to use the term discovered about myself in quotation marks because i'm of the assumption that if i needed a wake up call about one thing in my life there might just be other parts of my life that also require some sort of reality check too perhaps (that's the true beauty of a real come to jesus moment, you realize that you are more or less fvcked up and require help, and help that you require is much more than you care to realize to many)... so anyhow, triggering brings us down to multiple issues to possibly address for some folks, and for me some of the issues that i need to address are the following... i can no longer live in a home that is in exceedingly close proximity to noisy cars and noisy motorcycles and any other noisy form of transportation... you are too fvcking distracting to my health and welfare... i've also learned that i am a helluva lot more independant and self-sufficient of person in some respects that i never really required the noisy distractions, and herd mentality that i now find nauseating about cities... i'm much too simple of a person to be able to comprehend such a lifestyle with the mental health and success that many folks seem that love the city life seem to be capable of... i realized that i am not that healthy of a person, i deal with this terrible symptom where i am overly observant in some respects and my brain simply cannot tolerate a certain level of stimuli, it's a terrible condition that for me requires a less noisy and distracting geographical address that my family and i understand is important now and we are planning on how to deal with that problem... it seems that somewhere along the line i had forgotten that i am capable of simple sorts of things like gardening and moving land and the stuff that sits on top of it and the discovery channel is helping understand about straight-out nature things that just happen to be around if you look for them, and i also remembered other sorts of things like certain elements of safe home construction and conditions, and other sorts of things like hunting of various types and fishing with various methods, and then even how to find sources of water and then capturing and storing that liquid stuff... it seems that somewhere along the lines i had forgotten that i understand many the sorts of things that people who choose to live away from a city would need to know, and i also realized how much i enjoy physical movement through out the day, sitting isn't a good thing for my body type and physical requirements and so utilizing the physical apsect of me to do things like physical working for food and water and shelter because that's all people really need in order to live... i use the city for her education if her education is what i require, i use the city for travel if i must travel far away, i use the city for medical attention if medical attention is what's required, i use the city to tell law makers they are selfish ignorant egos if that's what's required, i use the city for business if business is what i require, i use the city for entertainment if entertainment is what i require, i use the city to meet many people if meeting many people is what i require, i use the city for help but the city's help involves more city, the help never speaks to independence but only how to require more city... the city never offered the simple solutions that a simple man requires and now that i have been triggered i understand those things about myself... i also understand that i love people too much to isolate myself from them for very long so i understand that my independent lifestyle should not be too far off the grid, i understand that some people require other people in their lives and i am one of those sorts of folks, and my daughters are horrified when they watch some of the off-grid tv shows that i enjoy, i understand that i am weak enough to require regular human socialization, just not on steroids like in the city, i'm far too simple for that... much too much stimuli for my little noggin to process and remain healthy... well that's one aspect of the wake-up call that i required and now understand so we are doing something about it as a family... and our plan is try to keep living our lives as normal until my last daughter graduates from high school, yes, keep living here on MAIN STREET with our noisy fvcking distractions and peace robbing noisy vehicles every day, i could pee on the street from our front porch and this blessing of an old house rattles with every egotistical noisy vehicle that passes by... but back to our plan, the plan is to sit tight for two more years and hope that during that time we can still afford this geographic location and trust that my publication worthy writing projects will produce enough income to afford as simple of a lifestyle that we can tolerate... god only know's where and when but we have the start of a plan, and project one is almost done, just as this crummy website it won't produce much income at first but eventually it will because the message is important and it will speak to many people with it's words, it's a message that i'm sure you heard before jsut not with my particular words so i's nothing original in nature but its important enough to remind people again, so anyway, that's part of the plan... the other part of the plan is that this crummy website is my current part-time small business and it's really a business if anyone cares to give one U S dollar for support you can and it will help, but really i may not NEED it because this part of the plan isn't really supposed to be the real income producer, publication worthy stories are actually THAT part of the plan... but give if you want, you will have to find the support button yourself though, it's somewhere on this website... so anyhow i have a plan to help from me getting triggered enough to roast the noisy motorcycles with a flamethrower and that is what you are reading really, part of me was triggered to write, and it seems that it is therapeutic in itself you see... and then there are the many side-effects, the negative aspects of getting triggered that i am coming to grips with... i am swearing like i did when when i was fifteen and living in the city again and that's a bit unfortunate perhaps to may people but i don't really care right now because i don't just write to nice well behaved children... i write to anyone and everyone at some point or another, my writing style is based on my education level, my ego, and my observations... and my level of patience from time to time... so if you can't handle a swear now and then go to disney channel for their stories, but i don't write to children, i write to a degree that my children have been exposed to but they are older children now, in fact two are officially adults it seems... so anyway i think the swearing thing is in part to the actual way that the DNC and it's communist associates manipulated so many americans into fits of rage over the past couple of years, and so maybe it's just related to that, either way it's not as a distracting form of communication to me as it is to others, i grew up in a frickin city so what do you expect... well it also seems that i may have rendered myself unemployable so i really put my money where my mouth is when i got this small business up and running... i am patient and our plan is two years and that's plenty of time for first publication to yeild some fruit... if you like me and my writing today you will hate it some other day, so i will never be all that you expect me to be, i've observed too much from too many places and too many people and speak too damn unfiltered in my attempts to help folks with the wake-up call that they probably require... i'm sure that you do too in some respect and i'm fine being the @sshole to point it out... i prefer 'shaken' not stirred, that's sort of my style you could say.  in many respects my writing style and language is actually a great representation christianity, or terrible depending on your opinion... it's terrible because it's rated adult-thirteen and quite harsh, but it's good because christianity is the religion of imperfect people that require a perfect god... i am clearly far from perfect and fully and completely aware of that fact, so i suppose that's also why i write. -- ct

07-08-21 much later than before: i have an experiment in mind and it should be eye-opening, well possibly eye-opening... the experiment is to try this new sleeping Rx again for the third night in a row, the last couple of night's sleep were nearly adequate... and tomorrow i don't have to drive anywhere early... so i'm going to take tonight's proper dose, and set my alarm for four hours later, and attempt to do what i'm doing this very second, articulate and write an actual thought whilst the medicine is in full swing... wish me luck... it's 12:29 and i just took it... i hope to see you around four thirty... this should be eye-opening... hopefully i won't semi-wake and write anything offensive, but i guess thats sort of what i do... well like i said, wish me luck...  --  ct

07-07-21: gooood morning... thats the words/sound of a guy that actually slept for six straight hours without tossing and turning in between... it feels brilliant, OK well maybe i don't know what real brilliant feels like but can you feel me?  now granted i had to pee at about that six hour mark but i got to lay down for a couple more hours of real actual sleep again until a couple hours more when wife awoke... i was actually in bed for nearly eight hours and i feel like i slept for some of those hours too... is this what normal feels like?   well time will surely tell but so far i am a fan of the new Rx, hopefully it doesn't come with it's own bunch of irritating side effects... i hate those sorts of things...anyhow i'm already done writing for now, because today is about getting my daughters bedroom back to a bedroom looking thing, it's construction day... So now that breakfast is done and i've gotten a 30 min share of wimbelton watching i am off to the home depot to get some sheet-rock to hang... i haven't done a whole lot of that so we'll see how that goes, wish my luck or say a prayer, my back will appreciate it... as the wonderfully vocabulated brittish folks on tv right now would say... ta ta for now, or something like that... well i'll just leave it at god bless you and your day...  --  ct

07-07-21 later: well i thought i'd be done writing today, and i thought i'd have my daughter's room half done by now but i forgot about two more errands to run... well i also forgot how heavy sheet-rock is, maybe a thirty year old version of me would have been better equipped to handle those big eight by four sheets... but not the fifty something version of me... and just a helpful life tip to those who don't know it, but they stick two of those frickin heavy @ss things together on the ends too... so yeah, i was that guy trying to manhandle two of them wobbly suckers at a time and i hope the security cameras at home depot picked up all of the nonsense that i was self involved with, i hope a security person got a chuckle, and i hope that my back still loves me in the morning... speaking of back i need to get back off my ars and back to construction, but my break and grape power ade were quite enjoyable, and so was the a/c... its a humid one out today in newton...  --  ct

07-07-21 laterer: my ego is crushed, and possibly a few of those disk things that are supposed to be cushioning your spine... that drywall stuff is frickin heavy man, well it is for a wee little 5'7 - 5'8 ish fella, and one that's fifty sumthin... maybe twenty years ago today's chore wouldn't be challenging, but today's chore kicked my tiny little american ass... or perhaps i kicked my won ars is more like it, my weakness exposed a flaw in my ego, maybe... there is this thing that folks learn in the military, and then folks that are into athletics learn as well, and then if you've been a first responder or LEO you'd learn it too, and then perhaps if you've ever been so committed to something that requires physical effort you'd get it too... and i'd like to say that i could tell you exactly what that thing really is, but i simply call it 'throwing my ass into it'... well it's the same sort of thing where you have to give the physical task whatever necessary to get it done physically and emotionally... i'm sure you could find words such as determination, or stubborn, or pick your own fancy describers... but when a wee little five foot eight guy that isn't terribly strong has the sort of thing that i was attempting to describe above, and then tries to deal with sheet-rock for the first time in a bit, well bad things can happen, and i'm pretty sure that something that shouldn't have happened just happened in my back and i am doing my darndest to utilize nsaids and stretching to see if i can undo whatever it is that i just did... don't get me wrong, i'm still mobile and not screaming, yet... but it seems that all of those little muscles that help hold our spine in place are not so politely explaining to me and my ignorant self that i'm getting older and i'm not that strong and that stuff is heavy and what's wrong with you mate... i think the actual physiological mishap is technically called 'your back is just telling you that you are stupid mate, and smarten up already'... i believe that's what a physical therapist once called it, or perhaps i read it in a fortune cookie, but i'm pretty sure that spasms are in my future, whatevs fine and OK, i'm no stranger to pain but have been off of Rx for it for months now so let's see how well this plays out... i'd humbly accept prayer or well wishes, or even just a chuckle with someone saying 'what a knuckle head', i'd take one of those too because i appreciate that form of communication as well. -- ct

07-07-21 after a brief stretch: i was reminded of some bible versus today that i appreciated, and i extra appreciated it because it was nestled within a set of books that some call 'the epistles' and don't ask me why they call them that, some smart religious folks can tell you that, all i know is that i appreciate the words of the apostles as written within the books of the epistles... they really spoke to me as a twenty-something... well anyhow i am extending my gratitude and thanks to a special woman whom i am related to that i had no idea that she was of the epistle reading type, that was extra cool today, and i appreciate her helping with one of my projects.  --  ct

07-07-21 much later: so i've been going on and on for the past week about my threat assessment of communism in america and i completely forgot something... other people too, and some of their struggles... well not really, but maybe to a degree... anyway that's how i felt a bit when i heard the great news that a loved one is finally getting real with themselves and seeking the help that they require... my apologies if my words don't make a whole lot of sense but that's partly because i am close to tears, tears of joy really, and that joy is all completely about a person that i love like a brother who is facing their fears and humbling themselves and getting treatment for a problem that has gone on far too long, a rather unhealthy problem and in many different ways too. tonight i want to do and finish lots of different things but all i can do is pause and thank the god of my religious preference that this day has finally come... it's a day that i think some feared would never come... but it has and i am elated beyond measure at the moment... i'm not sure what his future beholds but i have a feeling that he is about to learn more about himself now than he has over the course of his lifetime and if his wake up call and epiphany and brutal honesty has it's way in him as i hope, well you may see what the power of truth can do in a man... here's to beneficial therapy, and may it's recipients get every ounce of help that they require from it... i've never tried or had to assist with a family that will require the sort of unplanned issues that will come from an extended pause in their lives so to speak, but both husband and wife know they have my undivided attention if necessary... thank god for this day, it's a good special kind of day indeed, and i'm thankful that things are now getting better before they got much worse.  --  ct

07-07-21 much more later:  season two episode five cracked me up, oh... i'm referring to an epsiode of The Chosen that i watched a bit earlier this evening... I'll tell you that from the perspective of a non professional religious sort of guy, well that the series it brilliant, from what i've seen so far... personally speaking i am putting my money where my mouth is and decided that one tenth of Juy's income from this poor little website is going to help fund future seasons and episodes, they are self funded non-hollywood types of folks that have created some amazing entertainment... that's what i am calling it, they have done a brilliant job with the full-blown entertainment experience but just telling their version of what the days of jesus ministry may have been like... i am hooked folks... i think they tell the stories in a way that the characters are quite relatable and the actors and actresses are superb, sure they put a bit of their own flare into some of the stories but my judgement has been that of appreciation and respect and they 'the chosen' is getting a piece of this months earnings... if that sounds peculiar to you my apologies, it's this religious sort of thing that many of us regliousy folks do where we put our money where our mouths and faith are and give a tenth of our earnings to 'the church', well i don't know really, ask some religious professional what tithing really is, but since i haven't been to a church in a bit it's seems only right that i put my money where my religiously appreciation is and trust that it's in better hands than mine... that's what tithing means to me anyhow... but enough about that... i just felt the need to insert a bit of my ego and non-professional entertainment critic sorts of opinion, so here goes, season two episode five let's john the baptist's character get some pretty funny moments in and that's cool in my perspective because (SPOILER ALERT) well he dies really soon, well a couple of thousand years ago really, but i think your following me so good, but john's character does a couple of quick funny things that cracked me up and provided me with some medicine that i required tonight... after jesus casts the demons out of legion/caleb john gives an awesome shout of 'YES" like a great fan would of any spectacular homerun or something, i laughed LOUD at that one, and then a few seconds later he extends his hand to help simon the zealot up while asking jesus 'hey, where did you get the zealot', that line is nowhere to be found in scripture but the creative liberty taken there was hilarious and and harmless and fun, and i almost laughed as loud as i did for john's YES!  ... OK, so more of my ego here, i am one of those weird people that does this thing where i sort of identify my self a bit from certain characters in movies or shows and this series is no different, and in fact this series makes it extra cool because when i read through scriptures as a twenty-something baby christian i can remember thinking about what it was like to be one of jeseus' closest followers, like those disciple or apostle fellas, you know the one's that i mean... and the great job that the actors delivered makes that sort of self-identifying easy for me... i am entirely too much like simon-peter's character, and then matthew too, i've always had this sort of unfiltered literal thought process that is too transparent or tells too much information, and then simon the zealot, good grief, it's hard for a former military guy to not self identify with the zealot i suppose, but weapons handling and a warriors lack of fear is something that are a part of me too if i'm being real with you, so i sort of feel like i'm a bit of a blend of those three guys... but then what about my feminine side? well let me tell you that besides chill no drama jesus it's mary magdelana that i think carries the series... the actress that plays mary is a bit more than brilliant, she shows you every emotion that she's experiencing while going through her crap,,, we all have crap to go through in our lives but mary's had more than her fare share, and that actress brings us through the character's emotions quite well... each of his follower's in the film (and in life) are their own story, and the whole series does a good job at telling the stories within the story, don't take my word for it, you can watch every episode for free on their website and i guess you can download free apps to watch it too, so the whole series is what some folks call crowd-funded and then they give their work away for free... i really appreciate that business model, it speaks to my soul... so anyway this month's financial income for this website is helping me, and then i am helping the chosen, and then... well its late and i suppose i ought to try another sleeping pill tonight, the first one that i tried last night was brilliant, and i really would like to know what two night's in a row feels like... i heard that can happen to people, but time will tell now and it's telling me to get some shut-eye, good night and god bless.  --  ct

07-06-21: gross! well i am at the moment... lastnight's campfire was pretty sweet, and knowing that i ought to take a shower to get the smell of smoke off of me, oh, and the ticks too... man do i hate a parasitic critter that carries diseases... but when a guy that doesn't sleep well finally hits a wall of exhaustion the smell of smoke and the light covering of sawdust and the critters that were crawling on me didn't matter a whole lot... this morning's shower will be epic, there will scrubby tools used to give the ticks some hell, and eventually i will smell and feel more human, but right now i'm feeling pretty feral.... i love me some nature and i appreciate it more once i've scrubbed it off of my old pink skin... actually my skin is only half old because i'm middle aged, and technically i am not white or pink, but according to Crayola Crayons Colors of the World collection i am not the whiter than white guy that i thought i once was... no, i now self-identify myself as 'very light rose', it's not very masculine i suppose but if someone identifies me as very light rose then sure, i'll take it... they could have called my color 'vaginal interior' and i'd feel about the same as being called very light rose, it hurt a bit a first but i promise not to riot over the offense... but really sowhat, i'll take the label of very light rose knowing that it's an opinion and other people's opinions don't define me, so call me what you want, for a guy whose last name includes more syllabills than most folks i've learned to answer to many names and don't really take offense to folks calling me what they want to call me... call me what you want, you are probably correct and so what, i am secure in my equality, so label me your huckleberry if you prefer, i can be that guy too... but this morning you might call me old smokey light-rose tick dude and you are right on the money. i posted a quick read to linked in a couple of days ago, some folks read it and probably hate me by now, that's fine, it's not my place in this world to be a people pleaser, there are far too many of those folks already. My intention is return the favor to the DNC, do a quick web search on your own, search for something like: 'typical methods of manipulation', something like that... and read it well, take it in... and then put some sunglasses on using the filter of the words that you learned about manipulating people... and keep those filtered glasses on... nothing but the democrats in charge and the mocking birds that repeat their sounds of foolishness... it seems to me, and millions of other normal people that to be a great democrat and to fit right in with the top you are required to go to acting school where you will learn how to lie out of your mouth while delivering the largest most fake smile that hollywood will embrace... it's a requirement of some sorts, i'm sure that robby diniro offers his services for free, it's the icing on the cake of his hideous ego... yes those actors and actresses are brilliant masters of illusion and bullsh!t... they will tell you whatever it is that you want to hear and their methods of manufacturing fictitious 'problems' in society are guaranteed to incite the sweetest of old ladies, they are brilliant grown up children whose job it is to be professional hide and seekers, they play games of hide the truth and then make or change laws while others are still seeking, they seek out what methods of distraction and manipulation the democrats used this time... well hold on for a second if you are of the opinion that i'm a bit harsh but seriously tell me anyone that you know in any part of your life that demands that other people vote for laws without having the contents of those laws disclosed, i'm pretty sure that the old white italian sounding lady from the near communist state of california demanded that lawmakers vote for the affordable care act without reading it... trust her, it's a wonderful law, really... it was a wonderful law for a minority of people in society that was partially illegal, forced people to seek out different doctors to care for their conditions and saw millions of businesses cut people's working hours to minimize their employment status and to cover additional costs on their side, brilliant right... 'oh just shut up and vote for the sh1tty law already... trust me, it's grrreat!' Yes madam speaker, we know that you think you are the smartest person in any room and i understand that you are a master actress that any guild would be proud of, she's straight out of frickin hollywood... But wait, how about the liberal demigod running the state of new york at the moment... just keep smiling and acting tough and distracting people so he can write an ego, i mean a book, a book that narrates the hollywood version of himself that he expects everyone to be stupid enough to believe... just go away cuomo brothers, you're egos make me vomit... i'm sure that most folks that typically vote democrat have stopped reading, that's fine, i know that the truth can hurt, but delusion requires a wake up call at some point, folks have to get honest with themselves at some point in their lives... let me introduce myself, i am chris and i am your wake up call... people don't just do what democrats do because their legislation is good, they have to be sneaky because their ideas suck, they have to deceive because distracting manipulation is what's required to pass legislation that is based more on the utopian promises of communism... brilliant right? ... indeed.

07-05-21: bonus day, that just means that wife and oldest daughter are both off from work today so we get an extra day of the whole family together... some of us are making a road trip to a huge scandinavian store in MA so my daughter can purchase something... then maybe i can get the troops round up to help with some cleaning and organizing around the house, wouldn't that be a treat... who knows, but waking up alive is a wonderful thing and that just means that i have another day to honor my god and help fellow man/woman if need be, that's sort of my daily planner most days, somedays none of that happens and other days thats all that happens... but today is a bonus day and an open book.  --  ct

07-05-21 later: i wish to report that after driving on i-95 near stoneham and wakefield Mass that there were no armed and angry Morocan, or Moors people on the highway, they appear to be all gone now, it seems that police don't just go around killing completely innocent dark-skinned folks after all, it seems that they also serve and protect ... well done Mass law enforcement professionals ... i was able to drive that stretch of highway using cruise control today, i'm used to sitting in traffic on that particular bit of road, but today it was brilliant.  --  ct

07-03-21: happy rainy saturday... i remember singing a song as a kid... 'rain rain go away, come again another day'... screw that, we need every drop of the rain that's been falling over the past couple of days, we went from another heat wave for about four days, and now enjoying the cooling relief and the life that rain brings us. As an adult i think i used to sort of hum that song under my breath on the days that i intended on playing a round of golf, and when i was totally into tennis i liked to try to play through a sprinkle here and there, but full-on rain would put an end to that. I had forgotten how much i enjoy playing tennis but now sitting here watching wimbleton i want to get up and smash a ball around... the trouble with my game is that i'm not that competitive really, in fact i don't like keeping score, i just enjoying running around and making the ball do what i want it to do while working up a sweat and my cardio vascular system as well... Looking back about twenty to thirty years ago there was something about tennis and all of the seemingly rich folks that excelled at it that i found appealing, in fact i tried my best as a pretty poor guy trying to look their part and act like those folks did... they had all of the stuff that rich folks have, and many had the spoiled pompous ego to go with it, that was something that i could never really aspire to because people that are used to always getting or demanding what they want have a sort of confidence that comes from seeing most folks as less than their equal, little people... anyway, once upon a time i aspired to live the live of a rich tennis star and that was pretty damn stupid if you ask me, but it's quite common for folks to want or like or desire the sort of lifestyle that they did not have growing up, i suppose i wanted to be the guy that makes the move from one measly little tax bracket to multi millionaire so i could be cool out on my yacht sipping over priced beverages sitting next to a barely clothed and beautiful tanned woman with me to enjoy our obnoxious and selfish lifestyle... i think if i had access to that sort of money when i was younger i would have alienated most people that i loved so i could pursue all of the desires of my heart, if your ego isn't in a good place all of the money in the world will not do a damn thing of good for you, especially if you are a poor kid that get's a boatload of money dumped on your all at once, look at the examples of famous celebrities and athletes or folks that win lotteries, when money becomes part of your ego and you think you know how to use it best you can quickly become the super-sized moron that you always wanted to be, you turn yourself into an ATM dispenser and laugh about what to buy next, i've seen the folly close-up and personal from time to time... i have nothing against currency but an over abundance possessed by an uncentered ego is a terrible thing to watch indeed, it's painful to watch a proud ignorant man try to build their own comfortable and impressive kingdom only to watch their lives crumble around the distractions that they surround themselves with, many require a steady appetite of alcohol to keep the folly as fun as they want it to be... i've witnessed small fortunes wasted away in matter of a few short years by the unhealthy ego that thought their fortune would buy the sort of life that they desire, it's hard to watch really, and praying for those folks doesn't seem to yield the sort of results that you would hope for. When you witness the ego correcting actions that loved one's require to grow into a more healthy individual you sort of want to pray that their collapse would be as soft and as gentle as possible, and then when the soft and gentle as possible is actually a quite devastating course of correction you almost feel bad about praying, but the praying individual trusts that god's way of handling a big dummy is more perfect than the way that we would like to help someone wake up to the reality that's going on around them... an ego that requires correction is pretty tough to witness the correcting... i can beat some sense into those sorts of people if they require it, physical beating is a terrible yet very quick and efficient way to show someone that their ego is unhealthy, so is swearing... if you read any of my posts and wonder why i use so many swears for a guy that actually loves people and follows the religious teachings of a peaceful god i will simply tell you that swearing is a sloppy yet efficient way of communicating, especially when the swears come from the mouth of someone that doesn't really like to swear at all, but it works because each swear work speaks a full sentence and it makes a point rather quickly now doesn't it, damn straight it does... I'll also tell you that even if you find my words/writing enjoyable to a degree you should know that i will offend you too at some point... be bold enough to call me out on it if you need to, here, i'll give you an easy example... tell me in your own words what it is that bothers you about the following sentence, please use the form bellow that reads 'Comments and Criticism' to tell me with your own big boy or big girl words why this offends you:

Look man you got to know that god does not dig you treating people that way, so please try to treat that other person with the respect that you are forgetting that they deserve... i have no problem beating the fvck out of you if that's what's required for you to turn off your childish ego, i'd rather that you act like a normal person because god loves you too... god loves you too but i will beat the compromised fvcking ego out of you right now if you need me to be the huckleberry that's required to stop your shitty-ass nonsense.

... tell me what's wrong with me... is there something wrong by trying to be nice to an @sshole and telling them that their nonsense is unimpressive and dehumanizing and that i'd love to give them a big hug right about but i'm perfectly fine swearing at them and shutting them down if that's what's required... yeah probably... i think my mom always wanted me to be a good little boy, and occasionally i am, mostly i am, but being nice doesn't mean ignoring an @sshole and especially if they are dehumanizing someone else... i am far from perfect as you can clearly see, but even though i write or speak with confidence i still need correcting myself, right... right, so send me a message through the form below and tell me what it is, let it rip, don't hold back, i have thick skin with a pretty soft heart so go on and let me have it... i am so screwed up that i am OK with telling someone that they are out of line and they can do better than that but then tell them to shut their fvcking pie hole if they continue with the false illusion that they are always right and that they are better than most people, yeah fvck you to the person with the compromised ego that acts like the spoiled little tennis player arguing with the umpire because they aren't getting what they want when they want it... i think i throw the swears out there really to break the ice before i show you the love that is required by the god of my religious preference, my god probably isn't too keen with my choice of words, but he didn't put me in a part of the world where everyone treats each other with respect and dignity, no, i grew up where swearing and fighting were the means of communication that most people understood and utilized... it seems that He has begun some sort of work in my heart but what the fvck am i supposed to do with the knowledge of this form of communication, pretend that it doesn't exist, hell no, i'm fvcking going to use it to speak a language that many people know and understand... the writing's on this website are mostly written for a rated PG-18ish in nature but even younger folks can read through these pages if they understand the heart of each message once you can get past the emotional language that i use on occasion... most of the time it takes a lot to trigger me to use foul language, but not so much when i listen to the folks that identify with the democtratic national committee, those fvckers are master manipulators and i don't have much patience for the types of shenanigans that they exhibit on camera or in written text, the brilliant actors and actresses that make up that organization and decide what nonsense they will try next to fool everyone, yeah, i have a hard time holding back on those sorts of people, and i have no problem pointing it out to anyone that will listen because they are responsible for triggering me into starting this website and my renewed appreciation for Conservative political beliefs... yes the dnc manipulators did a wonderful job in making sure that trump was not re-elected last year, but in doing so they took the pleasure to attempt to dehumanize conservatives, so at least i will give them a little bit of credit, they helped change my career, i appreciate their insensitive ignorant angry diatribes and efforts to destabilize america, thank you for waking me the fvck up to your sneaky selfish ambitions you actor's guild wannabe's, yet the performance art exhibited by schumer and pelosi and nadler and boxer and the rest of the actor's guild was enough to trigger this old guy into being the type of political @sshole that they require, and so i write, not because i want to be an angry noisy fault-finder but because they are false teachers that require people like me to prevent them from poisoning the folks that follow their herd... their thirst for control is nauseating to witness... just like the spoiled rich tennis players that throw their tantrums when they cannot control the game the democrats came awfully close to starting a civil war within america last election cycle so i will not shut the fvck up and be a good little boy, no, they triggered me to stand up to them and the bullsh1t that they do to keep their own in power and minimize people that see what they are doing... btw, Triggered is my temporary title of another publication that i'm working on, and i have the dnc to thank for every word of it... please remember that i am not a 501c so i can fly off the handle and say whatever i want to regarding the actors guild/dnc... anyhow, hopefully i answered the question that was asked about my swearing... if not then get more specific in your questioning... the dnc has to love my language though because they provoked it for the last two years now hanen't they.

... Anyway, before i get off of wimbelton and the tennis subject i want to mention a quick thing that sort of helped me realize that my idolization of that sort of lifestyle is behind me now, it's nothing to brag about because although i do the right thing most times i'm still an imperfect human and quite capable of screwing things up in a hurry sometimes, but here is my little story for you, and remember how much i aspired to be like those folks... this was a particular customer that my ex-boss had done some work for, off and on as needed, her home was a straight up modern mansion but maybe on the smaller size, and nestled in a community that's known for their wealth... the house and property were gorgeous, as gorgeous as the female owner, she was fit like you wouldn't believe, just like a great female tennis player, she was above average attractiveness if you are going by looks alone, she is crazy attractive from a physical perspective, she had a tennis court on her property and played regularly and the tennis court is what caught my attention the first time i pulled into her driveway, man what a fine house and property for someone that requires that sort of lifestyle... btw, did i tell you how physically attractive the she was and probably still is, yes, i suppose i did... I could tell how attractive she was by the form fitting clothes that she wore but the day that i had to come alone to the house and she opened the door and struck a pose in the doorway while wearing a simple bathrobe i could see more of her attractiveness... i think twenty or thirty years ago i would have appreciated the opportunity of an attractive rich tennis playing fitness model looking person showing so much interest in me, i think a previous version of me would have picked up on her desires pretty quickly and would have appreciated the time that we would have spent in her oversized bedroom, i think the twenty-something version of me would have made every effort to make things work out with a rich attractive and physically fit woman that showed so much interest in me that morning at her house, and followed me around in her robe while trying to make conversation instead of getting on with her angry life like she usually did when workers showed up to work in her mansion... but the fifty year old me felt a bit sorry for her really, i could tell from months past that she is someone that is used to getting what she wants when she wants it and is noisy enough to let everyone around her know when she isn't getting her way, but i think it was the little poor boy in me that thought that the rich weren't going to own me, or get me or use me... i was and still am legally married to my wife of a bunch of years, it seems that over the past few she doesn't see much attractiveness in me anymore, but really menopause makes some ladies feel differently about all things physical... and so although there might have been a nano-second of temptation involved when i noticed what attractive rich lady was up to i wasn't quite as interested with the attention that she was giving me for very long... it's nice to have a pretty lady showing you lot's of attention for sure... but ask CA congressman eric swalwell how well that sort of distracting pleasure seeking compromise goes for a guy that should know better... anyway, i'm done with the tennis life and the lifestyle that it's best players enjoy... being myself is actually not a bad gig after all, i just don't get to drink fancy mineral water all of the time, poor little me... hah. -- ct

07-03-21 later: i hope i'm just being a paranoid little knucklehead, but i don't feel good about this long weekend still... I'm not sure what the two cars of armed suspects that were apprehended on i-95 in Mass today were up to, but that's the sort of sinking dreadful feeling that i sort of have yesterday and today, i hope there isn't really any sort of a nasty big thing that happens over the holiday weekend but i almost have a fourth of july nine-eleven kind of fear, not sure what that group of folks were up to with all of their guns but i sort of feel like this is a bad weekend for some reason... hopefully i'm just being a paranoid nutjob right now but when i saw the news about the eleven arrests and that all of occupants had firearms on them it makes me want to write down my fear... i hate fear, it's usually just a distraction... i hate feeling distracted today... i'm probably just being a paranoid little bugger right about now... i hate fear.  --  ct

07-03-21 laterer: i just set up a new facebook page under my pen name 'christo franco' ... pretty original for a guy name christopher francis, right, i might do the whole stupid instagram and liknedIn profiles too maybe, but i'd rather not... maybe some of my work will do well enough that i don't require any sort of social platform to communicate, maybe i could just do that right from a simple blog website like this one... i am going to do a website specifically for this christo franco fella, I'll get to that soon enough i suppose, but find me on facebook if you are reading this, Christo Franco USA is what i used, apparently there are real people with that name but none of them seemed to be in the USA, so that's why i added that part, anyway i am not going to promote any of that sort of stuff until the first book is done, i may do this silly thing that publishers do a bit ahead of time, but honestly i don't have the patience for trying to be a traditional author that does things the way that they ought to be doing things, that's never been my style of style... anywho, christo franco, did i tell you that my lastname is italian, and doesn't christo franco sound a bit italian, cool, that was part of the goal, it's silly really but it will sound different and foreign and sexy to some folks so some folks require a name like that in order to read the message within the covers, silly right... anyway you should know that i don't identify myself as an irish italian, i'm an american by birth and i have some european ancestry that i appreciate, but i am an American before i was anything else and so an American i am.  --  christo franco

07-02-21: one of the beneficial aspects to writing as i do is therapeutic, into my fifties and i'm beginning to realize how terrible i've been about dealing with what i call unresolved issues, many people do that through communication and some are actually aware of it, so i just own it to say that there are many things in my past that i feel weren't handeled properly, or like there was no real closure to an important thing, or a proper good-bye to someone that was important or influential in my past, and then also regrets of what some folks in my religious preference call sins of the past, like when i know that i wronged someone somehow and sometimes it bugs the crap out of me that there was never adequate resolution or closure, instead we left things as simply as passing in separate directions... well i hate sh1t like that and so even though the god of my religious preference has forgiven sins of the past i still feel remorse when i recall old situations that fall under my simply category that i call unfinished business, or bidness... but sometimes i simply hate recalling uncomfortable situations when there were no forgiveness offered for my past wrongs, it's simply too uncomfortable when i realize that there was help offerred but never fully realized until years later... i think some people refer to the sorts of things that i am mentioning as 'regrets'... it seems that i still have about a sh1t-ton of regrets and sometimes they are healthy and other times we can be haunted by sins of the past, or unclosed issues or unfinished business. in the case of my religious preference there is this thing where there is an understanding that our sins have been forgiven and so you don't really have to feel ashamed of the asshole sorts of things that maybe i did in my youth... that's awesome to understand as someone who let my wild untamed ego run loose for quite awhile... but the fact that the sins are forgiven doesn't mean that you should simply ignore how the thoughts of those sins make you feel now, if the remorse is too much to bare then you haven't realized the forgiveness that jesus has offered, and if you don't have a religion or if your religion offers no forgiveness for sins of the past then you forever treat yourself as less than equal to others but if you have no religion or if your religion and you have no regrets then you forever see yourself as greater than others or more than their equal... well that's on you but either way your ego is compromised when you simply ignore the damage that was previously done, and your ego is more deeply ignorant when you consider yourself as more than equal to some people and less than equal to other people... a well balanced ego understands true equality and doesn't try to exploit or demean or abuse those who they think are less than equal, neither does the well balanced ego worship or fear or hide from others that they believe are greater than equal... but my issue doesn't seem to always be the lack of forgiveness of sins or forgiveness of others or how out of touch my ego is or my intelligence level, but rather sometimes and even many times it's because i haven't dealth with unfinished business... i haven't embraced the fullness of my fvck-up and i haven't rolled around in it long enough to fully realize what was right and wrong about old uncomfortable situations and what i learned from it and if i have been guilty of repeating such actions in the future or if i really learned all that i could from sins of the past... sometimes i just hate to be schooled by old regrets, and other times i pray for the folks that i have wronged and will probably never see again... but that's just part of it really because not all unfinished business is sins of the past but it's not knowing what really happened after you left, or what were the actual consequences of my actions, those are the sorts of things that probably haunt me the most... i'll give some examples after i pee. -- ct

07-01-21: July... why that's a beautiful name, it's my pleasure to meet you, i'm christopher and i come in peace, so how about you?  June was a tough month actually, my family and i should know that and expect that by now but we always go through the ringer every june because it's always a huge transition month for us, mostly  do to having school aged children finishing up their projects before summer break, and a wife and adult daughter that work in education and childcare and whose employers also implement changes for the summer months.  This particular june saw another one of our children graduate from High School, a huge academic achievement for any adolescence, and particularly so for those that find schooling a challenge of sorts... but a job well done to one of the men that i admire the most, my son in whom i am very proud, i trust that he will read this one day, but until then i still verbalize that, backed up with sound reasoning and not sensationalizing or exaggerating or embarrassing, i think most people appreciate that sort of tone, and message when appropriate.  --  ct

I'm leaving the image below even though it was from another month, it speaks to a huge part of my heart which is the humanity that can be experienced when we understand that we are all imperfect yet are still equal... i wouldn't do too much with the image if you like it though, i'm borrowing the background from Crayola, they use it to help market their Colors of the World collection that offers crayons and markers that are real actual skin tones of all people around the earth, and i absolutely love the photo and the basis of these products of theirs, and so i'm just using it here to emphasize the message that i popped in da middle, I expect that i will have to legally remove it some day, but until then i hope you appreciate it as much as i do . . .  -- chris