10-29-21: Here in the northeast (Rockingham County NH to be more accurate) most of the annual organic edibles have already been harvested, in fact, we are in full swing leaf-peeper season now, Autumn has arrived and harvest was decent, 'was' indicating that we are now 'post' harvest-season... the trees have given up their fruits and the bushes their berries, with one exception... the Dingleberry... the buttocks hair of the human species continues to yield the strange berry year round, there is no 'season' for the build-up of organic refuse on the underside of humanity, it is prime for picking year round, it's soil is fertilized by the words and reasoning of the vaccine officials, dingleberries come in all shapes and sizes, as do the rule-makers themselves... get your red hot dingleberries here!!!  -- ct

10-26-21:  up before the birds this morning, most of the avian have fled to warmer weather for the winter, but i was awake before them anyhow, OK, enough bragging, it just means that i'm out of sleeping Rx and decided not to linger in bed knowing that i was awake earlier than i wanted to be.  My son is already up and about getting ready for some early morning PT, God bless him with endurance and strength and awareness as he takes on another day Marine style.  I was supposed to do some homework, i was supposed to write some letters to myself when different childhood memories resurfaced, i was supposed to write some letters that would teach me, or prepare me for the experiences that i was going through, but writing it hind-sight as an adult that would be helping a child, almost like a self-therapy thing, but i've done far more reading and listening than i have been writing and talking, more input than output this past week.  I ought to do something similar to remind myself what to expect the next colonoscopy too, even being knocked-out for the procedure i still didn't like it, but forcing oneself to undergo diarrhea for a full day in preparation for an anal probing is no one's idea of a good time, next time my last solid meal before the test won't be lot's of red meat that is difficult to digest, next time i stick with something soft and mushy, the laxatives were pushing the burgers through my lower GI like a pill that get's stuck sideways going down your throat, it felt like there was an alien in my belly trying to get out, a few days later and i still don't feel quite right, at least the folks that did the procedure had nice bedside manners and made me feel welcomed and as comfortable as possible, and the doctor was right, farting does make you feel better post-op., i don't like the idea of a metal clip up my wazoo, but as long as an MRI magnet doesn't get a hold of it and twist it around my insides i should be good.  The rain is coming down pretty good outside, it's taking most of the pretty foliage down with it, i imagine.  The first cup of coffee is good, i got the cream/sugar ratio pretty good today, i think the next mug will get some eggnog in it... i'll tell you what, that's some good stuff right there, eggnog with the coffee... anyways, i'm heading back to reading now, so enjoy your day and try to stay dry, it's coming down pretty good outside about now.  --  ct

10-23-21: i've been keeping myself busy with things around the house and also dealing with some nasty tinnitus on my left side, i've been distracted with those things so i haven't been writing much, so i also forgot that some of my writing has helped some folks so i should keep at it, i use writing as a bit of therapy since the summer of 2020, i had a nasty meltdown of sorts after being unable to control a desired outcome of several unpleasant circumstances mostly regarding prolonged unemployment, basically dealing with unpleasant financial loss while trying to find a new job that i am physically able to do at my age while still basically need'n to be a mostly stay at home dad that drives different people to different places multiple times per day, so anyhow that's the premise of the employment situation, but then the melt-down/triggering and consequential awakening got me thinking more about stressors versus lifestyle/routines and why do my family and i live where we live and do what we do, my wife and i had contemplated moving more to the interior usa in the past but then got frozen to some respect as i had experienced different employment transitions, financial debt was difficult most of time over the past so many years and so that plus other factors proved that we were living an unsustainable lifestyle, in some respects we sort of stayed in the general area in respect to Laura's and my families, but doors/opportunities opened and closed over the years but current reality is that most of the formal employment that i've tried was good for my own education and relationships but realistically speaking we have been living in an over-populated geography since my wife and i were born and where we met and where we still live, if you have savings and or employment plus credit you could find a good property that gives you a bit of privacy plus enough land to work to grow and or raise food, but living in over populated areas comes with a cost and we more or less get to a place where we do whatever jobs that we have to do to maintain a lifestyle that fits-in with your local community and your traditions and egos find appropriate, somehow we were able to get by on mostly favorable but fluctuating financial situation while laura had shifted out of full-time employment to being a full-boat stay at home mom to raise our children, we didn't quite know what was in store for us once she was able to become and maintain a full-term pregnancy as far as how it effected our living arrangements as we signed a lease stating that we would move within six months of having a baby due to the existence of lead paint in the apartment that we were renting in an over populated area, moving to a more rural area in NH was great yet difficult in many respects, but moving to main street in the thickest part of the same township has worn me down, i grew up in a city or two or three or a bunch in my childhood and i had somehow functioned pretty well in urban environments but it's grown weary on me in my middle/older age, living on main street in a rural township has the same feel as living with the background noises of an urban environment, tons of knuckleheads that finds it necessary to increase the noise level of their bike or car or truck seems to really appreciate displaying their noise capabilities on main street, our windows literally shake several times every day and more so during the summer months and riding season, we knew this old house rental was going to be temporary but we didn't know how temporary when we first moved here, there were lifestyle changes that we made when we moved here to main street in order to live within the same community that we had grown to appreciate, however, the more that we realize that we were capable of living a pretty self-sustainable and away from a very noisy and distracting living situation then the more that my wife and i are contemplating moving to the interior USA with a tiny bit of guaranteed monthly income from a forty percent VA disability benefits at the ripe old ages of early fifty-somethings and some teenage and even a twenty-something year old kids, some who will move elsewhere move easily than others, but they all know that we know that we are nearing our end of residency, we just don't even know what opportunities to look for or where we will look for them just yet, but we did get a good lead from a new contact that seems to be a pretty like-minded individual so it's a good start and gives me more variables to consider unless the normal sort of thing happens in my life, which is where some unknown opportunity arises that seems to be a good fit, that's what usually seems to happen, it's easy to find some sort of work which requires long commutes doing things that i have experience doing but i have grown to understand that i have a very low-level of patience driving in or around a city and never-mind during rush hours, but i also know the other sorts of things that i don't like besides long commutes such as dealing with office egos/politics/relationships with folks that demand ego exchanges and relationships based on personal-images and flaunting superficial things and ignorant opinions, i guess i mean to say that sometimes i don't play well with others once i perceive a compromised ego with nonsensical reasoning i am guilty of getting a little mouthy, or do the complete opposite and hold it in and begin a slippery slope of making compromises that push your moral limits and causing physical and emotional distress, having to make constant unhealthy compromises should tell a person that they need to learn a hard moral-boundary testing lesson the hard way (maybe something like setting better priorities and making better choices), or that they are in the wrong situation or lifestyle or geography, making moral and otherwise unhealthy compromises eats away at a person but hopefully/eventually will yield a fruitful educational experience that helps you grow from your own deficiencies, or for some it strengthens your resolve and forces you to make tough choices that are contrary to some people's opinions, and then i suppose when you let a big enough compromise to any life situation go on for too long the situation would be a combination of the two, it would be more like regular moral compromises that are slowly processed over the giver of morals that eventually gives you the ability to have a more healthy moral resolve with a healthy confidence to be strong in your spirituality or inner-peace maybe, your moral compass, i call that 'learning things the hard way', or maturing/growth, everyone everywhere has had to make difficult decisions, many that expose moral flaws and mistakes that we might have made so we can learn to be more responsible if/when we get challenged with making the same unhealthy mistakes again in the future, regular compromises suggest that you haven't learned from mistakes which might suggest that your priorities might need to be rethought/processed, anyways, i am saying all of that to say i won't make moral or other unhealthy compromises to satisfy perceived financial requirements, i might write a resume again and post it somewhere useful again but i haven't a clue what to even pursue as i am learning to deal with more physical limitations as i get older, i suppose i have adequate critical-thinking skills and have some wisdom and knowledge to process certain thinking against but otherwise i think operations was a good fit but maybe for a company that doesn't force me past moral limitations, i got to get back to a few books that i'm working on as well, there is a potential for some income in at least one of them, so who knows, maybe writing will actually pay-off significantly at some point in the future, then again, maybe i will win the lottery tonight... well it's time to eat so i got to beat it, i've also been doing a good job avoiding the dirty dishes, so there is always that too... happy weekend, and don't ask me about the piece of metal in my butt, it's still a bit too embarrassing to talk about. -- ct

10-21-21:  c  ... did you see that 'c', it's what happened when i tried to Ctrl + c, but i didn't control plus C so instead i just have the letter C in the spot where i just typed a boat load of information that probably didn't matter much anyhow, so i'll quit complaining... frickin Ctrl C.  --  ct

10-17-21: knock it off with the stupid-ass 'honor society' scam emails already, it i esteemed education when i was in high school then maybe i would click on the links to the spam information-gathering shit-mail, but any organization worth a crap know's damn well that i am not the sort of person that they want to throw scholarships at, anyways, i get these spam-mail at least once a week offering an introduction into their academic club, i'm sure there will be a service fee for such a club, and i'm sure they will want as much detail about me and every family member that i am willing to share online to perfect strangers, get lost honor society, maybe we are supposed to be friends but i have trust issues and you end up in spam folder most of the time for good reason. if i wanted to stay in school after high school graduation i think and education in the agriculture (farming) industry would have been best, it wasn't until decades later that i realized that everyone requires food, so food was/is a good industry to get into for employment, or if you want to live a self-sustaining lifestyle where you eat what you can grow or raise or hunt or gather, otherwise you need money, so maybe food is still a good industry to get into, unless you work in a face-paced restaurant, that will kick a man's ass even when they are young and strong, i'm glad i enlisted in the army after high school, but if i went to college i should have studied agriculture, maybe if i follow the links on the spam-mail there will be a person that truly wants to educate me on plant and animal raising and harvesting, and nature and stuff, otherwise my spam folder has mostly right-wing political news and gossip, i'm not even employed (technical i'm self-employed but require zero interaction with other people for regular work) and i still get flooded with a hundred email per day, so i'm thankful for the spam filter, it keeps me from jumping down a few more rabbit holes than i might typically chase. i'm thinking about the boy today, he seems to be settling down and getting used to training, i'm sure he is sore and exhausted, but his letters seem to have a good attitude about them, so i'm happy for him, we are already making arrangements to visit him for graduation and to drive home with him for a brief vacation/leave before the holidays and his next training assignment, i don't like making plans for things that aren't guaranteed, but resources sell-out quickly and it's worth the effort to see his graduation, and then take him home and fatten him up a bit with some home-cooked meals of comfort food. tonight two of the girls are out at a neighboring state to take-in an art display, it's my youngest daughter's treat and a special time with the wife so i'm happy for them to get out and do something special. i'm starting to think about dinner now that it's past dinner time, i think a couple of chili-dogs are in my future, pardon me while i go eat. -- ct

10-15-21: another warm october day in rockingham county, driving with your windows down warm still, i love it. not much going on today around the house, just some cleaning, and i've removed more mold from the house, the air quality still needs improvement, but so far so good, all of the mold must be eradicated. i haven't been writing much this past week, i've been keeping busy just not busy writing. tinnitus has been kicking my ass this past week, like waking up and the tone volume is up to ten already bad, it's mostly left side/ear for now, some years both ears would get crazy loud, so far it's just the left side this fall. the trees are pretty now, most of the sugar maples are brilliant right now, this weekend's rain might take down a good bunch of the remaining leaves, i guess the rain is bringing in some colder air too. I'm still thinking about a family that we know whose husband recently took his own life, the guy was about as fit as the come, and had a small business that served a bunch of people, i know some other folks that took their own life too, but i think he was the oldest person that i know who had, he left behind a wife and i think two or maybe three kids, i've had similar feelings in the past, feelings that tell you that you are the biggest problem in life so simply removing yourself from the picture will solve those problems, it seems as if removing yourself from the picture only makes things more difficult for the folks that you leave behind. i haven't seen Tom in years and don't really know what issues/problems he faced, but he made a choice that only he can fully understand, Lord please bless Andrea and the kids, help them to grieve in a healthy fashion and may they learn to forgive over time. -- ct

10-11-21: it's been a productive weekend, i removed some wooden chairs from the basement, i had no idea how much mold had been growing on them, i hope that removing them will improve air quality in the house, i know that we will require at least one dehumidifier for the basement next spring/summer, and maybe one for the dining room too, there is no reason to let the house get this humid again, getting a dumpster to get rid of the rest of the moldy and rusting possessions is on the short-list, the sneezing and coughing escalates pretty quickly once i've been exposed but getting rid of it in the next month is critical to next year's health, i'm glad to have gotten the air conditioners stored away for the year, and pulled out and cleaned a heater that we will require pretty soon, the air conditioners and dehumidifiers get replaced by space heaters and humidifiers for the colder months, the next home cannot have dirt ground basement with rock-wall foundation, if we buy a home like that we will have to pour some sort of floor and create a vapor barrier, hindsight is wonderful but embarrassing at the same time when you realize what had become of stuff that we should have gotten rid of years ago and what the air quality is like, house-hunting has begun no matter how feasible/possible moving feels, if i'm unemployed here were there is plenty of work to find if you have transportation then why would i think that i will find employment anywhere else we find, but reality is that we have identified the house as a temporary measure/residence and there are many variables as to why, but basically once you figure out why something isn't sustainable you have to do something to fix it or move one, but knowing what i am capable of compared to what presents a good and honest opportunity is the million dollar question, so to speak, it seems futile to look for something different when you don't have resources to acquire it, but i have identified something that isn't sustainable and so cleaning-house seems like the first logical step, the less moldy and rusting stuff that we have to deal with the better, so a dumpster it is, i', still trying to figure out how to finish off the patio thing that i spent entirely too long preparing, i'm debating just mixing/pouring cement to finish it off instead of using pavers, i've prepped the ground good enough to just use pavers but maybe just mixing up a bunch of bags of cement is best, the pavers would probably look nicer and aren't too expensive if you can deal with the cheap product, but filling a dumpster then finishing the patio would be good ways to finish off the season and prepare for the cold months ahead, anyways, i've got some chili to enjoy

10-10-21:  it seems that i have to consider other people/priorities, so i might not be writing much, i have to consider some things that i hate that i even have to consider, but anyways, thank you for some kinds words and support and i hate that i have to consider some things that i find might be an uncomfortable compromise to priorities, but maybe they are right, so i am still limiting writing, i think i'll get back to a couple of books that are in various stages of completion, in many respects i wrote when other people were sleeping, when i should have been sleeping, but when i couldn't sleep, so in some respects it's good if i really need to take some unselfish things in respect, but maybe i'll get back to finishing 'a conversation', it's pretty good so i should finish it but it's been slow going, i added a couple more parts onto it that were unplanned and so it sort of took on a new life so to speak, and now i ought to just pick it back up again and try to finish, it might actually produce a little bit of income too, so maybe that would be prudent in another respect, but if i truly have to consider writing as i do for other folk's sake then i might as well use the time well, but i really don't like having to do that, but at least you can't say that i didn't take some aspects into consideration, so OK, maybe that's what i will do, anyways, good thoughts worth exploring, and opportunities to consider, but it seems to weird to have to consider, proper discernment is never guaranteed no matter how old and experienced you get, i have things to pray about and consider.  --  ct

10-03-21: so i had a productive weekend that was spent with loved ones, so to me that means that it was a good weekend. my son is away and working his ass off in a southern state, and i've been remembering in thoughts and prayers over the past week or two, a smart guy from a local vet-center pointed out this whole concept of grieving, and so i got to understand some of the emotions/feelings/thoughts/ideas that my wife and i have been experiencing in different ways, it's all good and useful education regarding the concept/observations clumped under the umbrella of 'grieving', it's a study of reactions that many folks experience for a number of different reasons, some folks go through a series of thoughts regarding a separation from life, from a person, trauma event, and i even want to say a religious conversion/understanding... when regular life or routines or some sort of interruption of the way life has usually been occurs, well different people react differently and some folks get stuck in time so to speak, it many respects parts of me have been stuck in time and haven't really matured or transitioned very well, and then there are triggering events that can bring out the fight/flight/freeze sort of responses and can keep you frozen so to speak, without a better understanding of triggering events and other historical transitions from previous significant events... when folks are triggered they are not acting merely on impulse, there is a build-up or a long-paused transition that hasn't been resolved so to speak, and then another transition that is out of your control can lead to another level of pain/grief... well look, don't take my word for it, read up on those sorts of topics if they interest you at all, i'm sure that i'm not doing the topics and theories any justice in my ignorance, so look into any of those ideas on your own if it seems to interest you or if a part of you was frozen in time due to some event or multiple events that maybe you haven't fully resolved or if you might get pushed to do things which are reactions to the pillars of the subject of grief, but it seems that the grieving process as defined by Kubler Ross speaks to different reactions to a newer reality in some respects... i hate that sort of sh1t now that i understand the basic principles and how i have lived a good portion of my life, whether it be genetic flaws or reactions/over-reactions to foreign-stimuli/new level of reality i hate when i recognize how i have reacted to various events in my life, as best as i can discern there are very healthy things that a person can do for a good overall healthy growth in life, be proactive about the following things: be proactive not reactive with a 'relationship with god', be proactive not reactive with relationships with some other people, especially the trust-worthy kind that won't victimize you or waste too much precious time, be proactive and not reactive about nutrition and caloric intake, this is true for hydration intake as well, you might have to live off of ramen-noodles sometimes in life but a healthy balanced diet makes more sense in the long run, and don't forget the importance of sleep, humans require a certain amount of sleep to be healthy and effective... no human understands everything exactly when it would be helpful to know it, that's why we need interaction with other humans and interaction with god, because they both already know more than we do about a lot of things that we don't already know... that's called hindsight/wisdom that's worth sharing to the next generation, you don't have to take my words for it, but the sooner you do the better off you will be, and i'm just scratching the surface of each pillar, i'm not writing anything that smarter older people haven't already written... anyways, i've gotten my writing in so it's time to stop, and relieve my bladder too... by the way, thank you for the lovely email and the nasty one's too, i appreciate you.  -- ct

10-01-21:  it's october now, so maybe i take the rest of the air conditioners outta that windows today, the only wisdom that i have concerning the window a/c units is to remove them before it get's too cold outside, and while they are dry, you don't want to do remove them when they are wet, that just makes a shitty chore all the worse... anyhow, happy october to you... i'm going to write my son an old fashioned letter today, folks in boot camp appreciate that sort of thing you know.  i also have to follow-up on some bills and responsibilities, i'm trying to get through one of chris langan's books, i waited too long between reading sessions and now some of his vocabulary feels foreign again, if you are unfamiliar with chris langan look up ctmu.org and read, just a heads-up, he is what i would consider to be a modern day prophet that ministers/writes to very high intelligence folks, so reading his works is a challenge for someone like me, it takes more time to get through his writings than i am used to spending on reading other materials from other authors... he makes some intellects/authors sound like average people, and sometimes my wee-little brain can only handle a few pages at a time before i need a break, but i'm trying to get back into his first big paper/book and see if i can follow along with his theory, but it's something like this in a nutshell... god's will which is the ultimate reality... well don't take my word for it, try to read for yourself, there are other websites that he is affiliated with that do not have phD worded resources, so if his writings get you curious then poke around the internet thing for more writings, or things worded differently... if i were ever unfortunate enough to open a bar i would want him to be the bouncer, even at his ripe old age (he's old enough to be my dad)... anyways, i have plenty to do today, october and i are going to be good friends, then again it could really suck, time will tell... peace.  --  ct

10-01-21 later: i still don't understand fauci's role and whether someone is essentially holding him hostage or if he is simply complicit, america has to know the level of biological weapons china is working on so we need to keep 'them close' in many respects, it's possible that fauci is duel-role, but he has to know that ccp found a desired virus and was doing something unethical with it and allowed/encouraged the spread of the germ, he is very good at denying gain of function funding, ccp is certainly sticking-it to the usa by exposing the joint partnership while sending out such germs, but how does fauci keep a straight face without being duel-role? he is certainly compromised but by whom and to what extent are my current questions, facts might come out some day but right now there are too many compromised people trying to cover their own asses to know what's what... biological weapons are supposed to be frowned upon since geneva, not explored and embraced, we are not supposed to be in the business of weaponizing/tweaking nature's threats, we are supposed to stay clear of such things, right? but maybe we just have to know what ccp is up to so we have joint research endeavors, ugh, it's too damn messy to continue partnerships with a country that doesn't like us anymore, they already showed us what they are capable of doing as far as disrupting supply chain, and exposed how dependent our manufacturing sector is upon the ccp and the laborers in china, but i guess i just don't understand exactly what fauci's roles are in this whole germ thing, but i don't think i would leave people that i love alone with him for any extended period of time, i have that little trust in the man.   --  ct