...if folks are curious enough about this website or about me as a person they might end up poking around and ending up here, reading some blog entries/posts, blog posts are where i write about most of the real things that are important to me, and about other things to, sometimes things that bother me for some reason, and i also write about other silly ego revealing things that nobody needs to waste their time reading... but mostly its where i write about things that i think are important somehow, i'm not a professional anything, so there will be ignorance written below, but i trust that the reader can discern the baby from the bathwater, i do hope to stimulate your noggin enough to do some of your own research using your own critical-reasoning... i write for my own health, and to my offspring/kids, and to anyone else that cares to read. --  ct

04-30-22:  so this is the last day of april, hmmm, it was an adequate one... we found a car today, glad the shopping part is out of the way, next come the DIY repairs for a 25 year old vehicle, the projects never end, but a 98 s70 ought to run for years to come, it won't win any prizes, but it will start go and stop as expected, i know, pretty sweet right. --  ct

04-27-22:  i appreciate some recent support... the financial support received by this blog's paypal account over the next few months will be utilized for Mom's remembrance costs, it won't be a gala, be i think it will be nice, and respectful, and a good mini tribute of sorts... i'm not even looking at the paypal account until it comes time to hand some money over, so thanks in advance... her current status is this, comfort-care ensures that she is in minimal pain, and that in itself is comforting... thanks folks.  --  ct

04-26-22:  i'm still refraining from political and media affiliate commentary, my apologies to the professional political types that i had prodded and have come to expect a continuation of my opinions, you folks get paid for it and i don't, and i enjoy the benefits from just being a noisy bystander not being beholden to anyone that i deem to be an asshole... so that's my way of saying that i'm staying away from cspan, and the media outlets, and some mailing list correspondence for a bit longer... i'm focusing/prioritizing some issues that hit close to home, my priorities have shifted for a season... republicans will make significant progress in the mid-terms, but 2024 is going to be a shit-storm... anyways, i'm not posting to the political section of this blog for a bit longer, some folks only go to look at that section of this blog, i will continue to dissapoint them for a bit longer :-)  --  ct

04-25-22: the used volvo for sale guy just called, i had pretty much given up on that car, but he just called, and so maybe there is a road trip coming up here, three-to-four hour drive to pick it up, and probably worth every second of it to get a decent used car for a few grand, the gas mpg is 18 city and 22 hwy, which isn't great, but it's adequate for a thirty year-old wagon that doesn't have a very long daily commute, i'm a bit of a geek/fan when it comes to the 240 models, if we had the funds i'd be willing to spend 11k for the classic model available in close proximity, i believe in those cars enough to think it's worth spending eleven-grand on a thirty year old car as opposed to purchasing a new car even if i had the full funds available for a brand new reasonably priced car, so when i say that i have some faith in those particular cars is an understatement, and this looks to be a good opportunity... so, road-trip coming up soon :-)  ... hmmm, what about a diesel conversion, maybe, but there's really no reason to mess with a perfectly good b230f, i suppose.  --  ct

04-25-22: trying to think of a way to set up a social media page for my mom, how to do it without disclosing too much public information regarding her health, but to sort of honor her in a way too... i had a great talk with my mother in-law yesterday regarding parental-care for late stages of health struggles, i appreciate getting other people's perspectives listening to their experience too... in a way, there is a sobering and peaceful aspect when you understand that the end is near, and have been able to prepare yourself and other loved-ones too, it's a bit of a blessing/easement i would say... on the opposite spectrum is a tragic accident that no one saw coming, with zero warning or preparation, that happened to my nephew on my wife's side of the family, he was a decent young man who's life was taken a young age with no warning, i admire his parent's individual strength to have that type of emotional hardship, and their surviving the whole emotional spectrum of 'grief', as defined by Kubler-Ross... it's been about thirteen years now since his passing, and i remember Jace playing with his cousins like it was yesterday... so look, i sort of think that i have my struggle with end-of-life care for a loved-one easy, in many respects... and then there is this other whole element too, i want to honor mom, and give her a sort of a decent memorial event of some sort, her ashes will be scattered, and there won't be a head-marker anywhere, and i still want to 'memorialize her' somehow, so i have preparation time to plan for such a thing ... so now that i have a better idea of the medical stuff going on, and her prognosis, i can start letting other loved-ones know, so they can prepare as well... i don't know how bad the dementia is going to get before infection gets the best of her, but knowing that she's going to be comfortable through this closing chapter is comforting to me, but the dementia and the cognitive effects of the medications that she's on might be a bit to take-in as i start visiting her a bit more. -- ct

04-24-22:  i watched a couple of joe rogan short videos this morning, and one of them was on breathing control/techniques, i dunno, the guy that posts those video shorts doesn't reference the episode number in the comments, and it's one of those podcasts that seems like it would be beneficial to listen/watch the whole episode, but the guest seems to know an awful-lot/shit-ton about breathing... i make no efforts to hide the fact that i'm not very well conditioned at the moment, my frame is a bit gimpy which makes some repetitive exercises difficult, and that's my excuse as to why i don't even try to exercise cardio-vascular, but breathing exercises can be as simple as sitting on my ass and knowing what it is that i'm trying to do, mindfulness of breathing... anyways, a couple of buddies and i used to like to take hikes up and down some small mountains in NH, and even though my general physique and capabilities may seem to speak 'fit' i'd always be the one sucking wind and encouraging my buddies to keep going on without me, and to leave me to the predators and scavengers to finish me off, pathetic, i just thought that breathing was an involuntary function/response to a physiological necessity, but those meditative types, and the endurance runners, and some athletes can tell you otherwise... tennis was sort of the bulk of my exercise for years, and it's been a few years since i even touched a racket now, and i don't know how long my shoulder would hang in there for even if i were to try to work a ball again, but that is probably my preferred 'exercise', at least until my knee gives me too much grief... but back to breathing exercises, i didn't realize that i can work on lung expansion (vascular conditioning) just sitting my ass, or laying on a bed, or in some perfect meditative posture (if there is such a thing), or working in the yard, or working around the house, or, or, or literally just sitting on my ass... so when i take the time to figure out which joe rogan experience episode it was i'll probably listen to the full episode, and then i'll investigate the matter of improving lung-function, the how and the why, the good and bad techniques, what happens if i pass-out from trying some, you know, all the important considerations... anyways, breathing clean fresh air is a physiological requirement for humans, so we sort of need to breath, and learning more about it seems interesting... they say that i have some sort of asthma, i don't know if i use that as a crutch to just not even try sometimes, but learning more about breathing techniques seems to be relevant, and the next time i try to climb a mountain i don't want to be the weakest link, the guy that requires frequent stops because i'm sucking wind, i know how to eat and drink well for energy/performance/function, but maybe a fifty-something year old can do well to learn more about oxygenation, and how to breath... family is awakening now, day two of car searching/shopping will be underway soon, too bad the guy from NY selling the car didn't get back to me, i'd have been on the road crossing MA already by now.  --  ct

04-23-22:  drove up and down rte 125 today looking for a car, four hours worth of driving, it was not very fruitful, but it confirmed my assumptions, which are that in our price range we need to find a personal sale, not a car lot, and the car lots that have cars in our price range leave much to be desired... so maybe we take long drive tomorrow and come home with a thirty year old volvo that's still got plenty of life left in it, there are a few options in the 3000-3500 range if we are willing to go on a bit of a road trip to pick it up, we'll see how it goes... i'm doing my best to keep away from the political stuff for now, even though it's one of my favorite hobby's that pays once in a while, well, my blood pressure needed the break, and i really needed to shift my attention to something that will pay a bit more regularly, but really, shifting attention to Mom/bills/books/car and spring projects is serving this seasons priorities... i want to move before the 2024 election season, so as much as i want to help with that particular election i really have to focus on family matters until then, a guy can only take so much of c-span and news outlets you know... anyways, half the weekend is gone, enjoy the rest of yours.  --  ct

04-22-22:  yesterday's post got corrupted, or user-error, or technical issues, or foul play... whatever the case may be, it was weird seeing something in any other language than english written as a post...weird... today's got some out of the ordinary chores and calls and emails, so i'm not easing into the weekend... we might have a mini road trip to pick up a used car at some point over the weekend, looks like i might have to front some money for mom's cremation, two month's worth of my VA disability benefit will cover the first big bill, so it's not a huge expense, so i'm hoping that the money that we get later today, along with what we saved just recently, is enough to get a decent car over the weekend, because we have other costs on the front burner, so to speak, we've had some unexpected blessing recently, and i feel much more hopeful about the future these days... handyman stuff is slow, and i haven't finished the first money-making publication yet, and besides that, God is still providing in weird (to me) ways lately... friday looks to be busy, and full of irregular chores, and making more plans, and contacting more people (some who i know but, most i don't), we may replace Laura's car over the weekend, and might have to drive a bit to get it too... it'll be an interesting weekend, tat's for sure.  --  ct

04-20-22:  i might have some of the inspiration that i've been looking for recently, when i mentioned where i was in finishing the first book, and also that mom had just started hospice care, someone's input was something like 'since your writing about a childbirth experience, wouldn't it be cool to incorporate something about end of life as well'... and i sort of do write about that in the book already, but not in the traditional/senior passing, it's just a bit more unexpected... but the idea/advice was taken, and i'm trying to challenge myself a bit to incorporate a senior or two possibly, and end of life care, but i dunno, maybe it should be for another book, this is actually a series, so maybe that's something that should be in another story, but i was able to make some partial connections that could make it possible to incorporate... i think a dedication to Mom sort of thing would be most appropriate, if i'm going to have some print copies for her celebration i might not be able to work in a senior character... wait... no... i got it... OK, maybe the seniors are the adoptees, maybe grandparents are involved in the story, so you get three generations involved... i like that... i'm gonna try to run with that angle today, and see if i can work that without it being a huge diversion... someone gave some advice, and the advice was timely/relevant, and the book/story isn't huge, so it shouldn't be too difficult to consider working that advice into the story, so i'll give it the effort to see if i can work it in... perhaps the grandparents are transitional guardians, or maybe even the next book covers them in more detail, each booklet in the series is to cover different stages of human growth and development from the child's perspective, but the child's guardians will also be changing multiple times as well, so maybe it's seniors that care for the baby next... how much of the seniors characters do i expand on for this first book? ... i think that's the question/challenge of the day, i'm shooting for an eight to ten-thousand word range for these, so there won't be a huge chunk devoted to any one particular character, but maybe Jessie's idea about including end of life care for seniors can work after all, it's a good thought, let's see what comes from it then.  --  ct

04-20-22 later:  OK, so i reorganized a few things, and i know how to fit part of the elder/senior generation involved in the story/conversation too, now... good inspiration today... right now i'm using this interface to continue writing, when i got the new computer i didn't buy microsoft office with it to save some initial cost, and that's what i've written the whole thing with so far :-(  but friday i'll have the money to get a year's worth of MS office... i like that i don't have to buy the whole software package for four-hundred bucks anymore, seventy-bucks for a year's use while being able to write and store originals offline like the good old days is pretty reasonable i suppose... anyways, i can use this simple interface to continue writing a bit, i guess that's sort of cool, in some respects... By The Way... happy 'four-twenty' to you adult-use canna-consumers, aka stoners... and for you folks who do not consume cannabis, well, be weary of the brownies and chocolates that folks leave in the break-room today... canna is legal in more states than not now, so that third brownie that you just ate... well, you might be having yourself one interesting afternoon :-)

04-19-22:  i'm still resisting political posting, for this short season... but i have to write to help finish some thoughts... a text editor is simply a 'whiteboard' to help organize/calculate/articulate thoughts that are bouncing around the old noggin, if i don't don't get some of the thoughts out then i can work myself into a dysfunctional state of various degrees, so writing is therapeutic in that sense, it's almost like praying in a sense too, so i sort of have-to write... i've got nothing of great value to offer write now, i've been thinking about too many things that are pretty important right now, and i don't really know that i've thought much of them through just yet... but there is this sort of philosophical/ideological/religious/ethical/moral/emotional yet rational/logical/reality aspects about the value of life, and rationalizing decisions that effect life or death, or the speed/acceleration of death... it's probably just one of those things that i tend to overthink, but health-proxy decisions are rather shitty considerations in many respects, but logic must rule the day, and much of the logic is that Mom made peace with her creator long ago, and she is what you would call a Christian, and so she didn't expect to have her life really end when her body got to a certain state of deterioration, she expected that there would be some kind of continuation of her life, but that continuation would be different than what she currently understands today... whatever it is that heaven really is, and whatever it is that hell really is, as christians we believe that there is some sort of something that is probably nice after we pass from our physical ecosystem... so i understand the logic behind being a DNR, and some of the other medical/legal schpiel, and how that ties into faith and religious matters, and i completely understand that grieving can just be an emotional response to reality of death (or loss of control), but knowing all of those things doesn't make the whole experience any easier... having the time to prepare of such matters does make the whole experience easier, and having loved-ones be honest with their wishes when they are of sound mind certainly makes the experience easier than it could be... those two things are a blessing, and so is whatever it really is that we will experience when we pass, or at least in my case i certainly tend to think that way :-) and the same for mom... i'm not really sure what the actual physical/physiological condition really is, and how it is effecting her body and mind everything else that she encompasses, but the lady had a hard life and dealt with some endocrine issues that most folks don't have to deal with, so i certainly can honor and respect her reasonable decisions and requests, but it doesn't make it any easier, in some respects.  --  ct

04-19-22 later:  i thought of another useful topic to write about for a group of creative artistic sorts of folks... firearms... i think if i'm to be of much benefit to that particular group of folks then i ought to offer an essay on a topic that many of them may not be aware of... catching my drift... so my essay will be on the topic of the 'three gun competition', and what that competitive sporting event can teach us about the need to own various types of firearms, not just one, or maybe two, but at least three variants of firearms... there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to useful firearms, if you didn't grow-up in a firearm tradition/family then gun ownership might start with just one gun, maybe a glock seventeen, but then you find the usefulness of a shotgun, and then a high-powered rifle as well... so the essay will be on the three gun competition, and what that competition may tell us about the usefulness of various types of firearms... i'm a glock and an armalite guy myself, and i've got a pump scatter-gun that was gifted to me also... so, anyways, i'm going to write a bit more on that topic, and offer it to a community of creative folks, because i don't think they know much on the topic as a whole, so that will be my useful contribution to those folks... it'll be something like 'When looking to sell your sell your tunic to purchase a sword, consider the 3-Gun competition', or something like that... on a similar note, i'm thinking of a browning a-five for a future purchase, otherwise i'm happy with what i currently own... but yeah man, some folks don't know much about those matters, so i'll try to help teach them of the usefulness of the three types of civilian variants, that'll be my initial contribution :-)  --  ct

04-18-22:  happy monday... i ought to be elated, the new laptop came in the mail while we were out yesterday, i ought to be giddy, but i'm just grumpy instead... went from Win10 Pro to Win11 Home, i'm not happy with the shiny new and pretty current package of hardware, or the data migration... anyways, just checking-in, i'm not doing a happy dance, i'm frustrated and grumpy, and i'll probably feel better once i get the new rig just i want it  --  ct

04-17-22: happy Easter  --  ct

04-16-22:  i've started to take some verbal notes regarding a tribute for my mom, i don't do voice recordings, so it's a new concept for me... one of the topics for mom is what i'm calling her 'self-actualization', well that's what Maslow labeled it anyways, but the way that i'm using the term is 'when mom exercised her gifts that helped others'... most folks have talents/gifts, you know, things that we are pretty good at that can be helpful to other folks, mom cut hair like nobody's business, she did it for a living and as a side-job too, she liked it, and was good at it... she also learned to type, and ended-up with a security clearance for a job as a secretary for a while, she typed other people's papers too as a side job, mostly college papers for some of the engineers at the company that she worked for, the carpel-tunnel thing made it difficult to do that sort of work for the long term, her wrists were in pain for quite sometime... anyways, those are a couple of mom's 'gifts', and when she exercised those gifts it was appreciated and recognized, and it sort of made me proud to be her son, so that's why i'm filing these things under self-actualization, i'm using the term differently than Maslow, but he and i are different.  --  ct

04-15-22:  got up around three:something o'clock, early to bed early to rise was the transition into friday... i've been reading for about an hour already, and now i'm starting to think about what to do today, it seems like there are always plenty of things to do, but what i should do (top priorities) versus any unexpected variables ought to go something like this, make sure i talk to mom today, the call the other day wasn't very long, then try to find a car, then will probably fit in borrowing my daughter's car to get a few chores done while she's working, including a tiny bit of 'handyman' work (probably), there will be family time in the afternoon and evening, there will be writing mixed in between most of that, there will be kitchen cleaning and supper preparation too, and then there are a few other things too, some rather shitty things to look into... call boston crematorium, look into renting a nice place for family and friends to gather some early afternoon or evening, and calling a cousin about a possible video gig (he does that for a living)... i say that those are rather shitty matters, but they aren't really, they are just logical things for consideration that i would rather not have to consider, but considering the circumstances i really ought to consider such matters, right.  --  ct

04-14-22:  weird day today, had some conversations with a couple of people on mom's hospice team, mom's pretty alert and coherent, but in a lot of pain, but the updates that i was given were valuable, good talks... now off to the transfer station, then a bit of electric component replacement, then another chore or two, and then focus on dinner... i might have a lead on a decent and cheap car too, which is brilliant because somehow i can obtain a lease-to-own new laptop that i can pay-off in a few months, yet we can't get an auto loan... credit history, that's why... fine, some creditors don't like me, i'm OK with that, and i don't care for a few of them right back, some just weren't willing to be patient in between jobs some years back, and it came down to paying them or feeding the family and keeping a roof over our heads, guess which i chose... anyways, i'm fine driving an ugly something that will only last a few years, as long as i'm not a slave to it... getting the car will make it a ton easier to visit mom too, so it's good that we got a small tax refund check and can afford some cheap ugly something that will last for a bit... and my version of how, and what kind of car to buy is a lot more common than you might think, even in America, even today, it's not as common as you think to be able to go pick out  the latest technology packed into an automobile, reality just doesn't work that way for more people than you think... anyways, that's my political rant for the day, if i go any deeper into politics i won't stop, i've been suppressing it for too many days already :-)  --  ct

04-14-22 later:  just got back from a little handyman type of work, nice conversation while working too, my business made eighty dollars today... sweeeeet... i think the work was a nice distraction for a bit, i had to focus on something other what i typically focus on, so that was the distraction part of it... someday i might be doing something 'normal' again for employment, but it's still undefined... working from home doing something like tech support or customer service makes the most sense, sort of, the writing thing could take different turns from time to time with certain incentives i suppose, but i think i like the handyman sort of thing too, i can't just sit on my ass very long, but my body has some parts that are wearing-out too, trying to be the one to keep the household moving along is pretty cool too, it's a fvcking chore, but i wish i could describe the positive aspects to it, it's all relational, but at it's core... anyways, today was pretty weird, i had some conversations that were a bit unpleasant regarding Mom, did my part searching for cars, did some good decent labor for someone that lives close by, have time to write this little bit, and then off to the dump, no-no, it's not a 'dump' it's a 'transfer station'... i grew up in a city, so it was a fvcking dump, put it isn't really a dump dump, it just smells like one on a hot summer's day, technically it's a transfer station, and then on to preparing supper, we're having burgers and some carbs to go with them tonight, good stuff.  --  ct

04-13-22: ... well, technically speaking it's the thirteenth, but it's the wee-hours really, it's about zero-dark-thirty, or so... i should be sleeping like most normal people, but i never claimed to be normal, so i'm writing instead of being normal... so a wise man once said (actually someone earlier today) 'you ought to write about that' in regards to something that's stirring around the old noggin lately, and so i will... but first i should mention that this weekend i was reminded that my children are my legacy, i love that, and i partly understand some of that, to some degree... so the way that it worked is that someone wanted to know what a handful of people 'do for a living', well, i don't do a whole lot for 'a living' these days, and so i wanted to get along quickly with the topic, so i was quick to point out that i'm a pretty humble guy that's made many bad decisions and somehow ended-up a middle-aged guy, and no real source of income to provide for my family... and so the person that asked the question was very nice in pointing out the obvious, that i have a wife and kids which offers a ton to be thankful for, and that my children are actually my legacy... does that pull at your heart strings at all, well it did mine, probably because it's so true... but there is another dynamic going-on here too... the other dynamic is that this middle-aged guy also happens to be 'someone else's legacy' too, right... yeah yeah yeah, the whole 'circle of life' thing/dynamic... that's sort of an interesting perspective, and very timely in several respects, one of those respects is the fact that i'm involved in something of a 'focus group', and this month folks in the focus group are considering/contemplating our 'ancestors', and now that honoring/remembering my ancestors is in my plane of focus there are certain things that are surreal, to a degree... sanctity, value, and the miracle of life all come to mind, and they come to mind in sort of the speeding Mack-truck smashing into my simple noggin fashion, not the nice contemplative fashion... i'm working on a few writing projects at the moment, and one of them that i'm trying to wrap-up has to do with child-birth, and being a dad i can tell you that a parent is instinctively driven to help and protect our kids, it's sort of built-in, you could say... for survival-sake a parent would do about anything to save our children, don't ask me how it works, i dunno, but the growl of a protective parent should be unmistakable... just look at one of my kids (or spouse) wrong and see what i mean, a perceived threat can turn into great ferocity, it's instinctive, i just can't explain it very well other than 'instinctive'... a parent typically places great value in their child's life and survival and nurturing, we want 'what's best' for them and understand that children require much more help than adults, and so we do our best to help them survive our ever-changing world... but what happens when roles are reversed... what happens when it's our parents that require more help than younger adults, and what about when they aren't capable of caring or making intelligent decisions as they once were capable of... nowadays terms like quality of life, and dignity, and comport all come into play... i could go on, and on, and on right now, but i won't... i broke the ice, and i'm writing about something that's important to me... now hopefully i'll be able to get a few hours of sleep, and continue with the thought after day-break... but the fact is that i'm at a weird age, i'm at the age where the circle of life is evident, and close to home, and about as real as it gets, and i already knew that, but now it's just a bit more real, it seems  --  ct

04-13-22 later:  i got a few hours of sleep in... but i guess part of the moral of this story (the post above) is this, it's wise to have conversations about end of life before there is an end of life, because traditional western medicine/protocol is to throw every effort into maintaining/sustaining any for of life that's still possible because we place a very high regard on human life... part of you wants to say screw hospice, do anything that you have to do to keep mom going, because there is some sort of sanctity of life... then the realist side (the side that mom clearly articulated to me) is that physical death was OK within her soul, she is willing to pass when the time seems obvious, she had a tough life, physically/emotionally and for a large part spiritually as well, and she didn't want her body to become this thing that gets abused in order to maintain life... i think that's the moral of the story, it's that mom made some realistic decisions based on logic and faith/religion, she made a logical religious-based decision which stated DNR, and that she didn't want to waste after a certain extent... i knew that already, but i didn't really understand how weak she had gotten, and how quickly the deterioration had come... and that's sort of why this feels surreal, a fifty-something like me ought to know the reasoning and logic behind hospice, but it doesn't make it any easier... i suppose it's a bit of a gift that we have time to plan, and to make sure that she is comfortable, and receiving the specialized type of care that is being provided, but it still doesn't make it feel any better.  --  ct

04-12-22: i'm supposed to be writing about things that interest me... but now i'm writing about end of life care for a loved-one... it's not to say that i am uninterested in care for a loved one, but end of life care is different... if we are gifted life itself then death is the only certainty in life, so it's as real as it gets, but it's still a rather shitty thing to be thinking about... the difference a day or two can make on one's perspective and attention can change as rapidly as... well, a day or two, i suppose... please pray for mom, she's getting weak, and hospice is now helping out.  --  ct

04-12-22 later:  free-will versus firm structure... the freedom to create what you will versus creating something that fits within the boundaries of per-definition... look, i dunno what exactly i'm trying to say here, but helping a daughter with literacy homework where she is only allowed to write within a specified format is difficult, because there are a myriad of ways to skin a cat... how to convey the method of skinning is a challenge when we are bound to requisition, but it's plain fun when we can be creative and let loose... maybe that's what i'm trying to say... anyways... persuasive/argumentative writing is a bit of a challenge, until you learn the rules.  --  ct

04-11-22:  have you ever worked with engineers, or scientists... it's like they speak different languages amongst themselves... in some respects i'm trying to pick up a different language, or really, just expanding my vocabulary... it wasn't easy to learn those things when i was a young lad, and hasn't gotten much easier now that i'm an old dog, so it's going a bit slow for me... fortunately for me, the other folks who utilize such words in their day-to-day are smart enough to understand my simple terminology coming from my simple background... they seem like decent folks who are all interested in learning and sharing what they have learned, pretty cool huh... at least one of the folks there wasn't who they pretended to be, and that's a bit bothersome, they sounded middle-eastern, maybe indian, with a scandanavian sort of name, and spoke through an audio filter, proposed to be a teenage board-game coach... all interesting, but not very probable... anyways, it was a good conversation with some decent folks, speaking about subjects that you don't talk about day to day, pretty cool... anyhow, happy monday, i hope you enjoy your week.  --  ct

04-10-22:  it's been a bit busy around the home this past week, there's been a bunch of researching things that i don't care to research (automobiles), there were already needs prior to the truck's sudden departure, and it just shuffles priorities around a bit, so then there is a new front-burner item to give too much time and resources... OK, i'm about done complaining... we did get good news about tax-payer provided assistance which will cover the accumulated eletric bill, it's still part of covid-relief, not only did covid interrupt my employment, but we still live in a very old (and not so tight) house where we have plug-in heaters helping all winter, and window a/c's going in the summer, so the electric usage goes/adds-up in a hurry, so the American tax-payer helped us out, we greatly appreciate your help... the combination of the savings on rent and electric, plus the expected income-tax return means that we will probably have enough assets to get a cheap car and tend to some of the other priorities as well... it doesn't make much sense, but somehow things seem to be working out OK financially, and by that i mean that we are approaching the black again... these unexpected blessings seem to help us get almost caught-up again, and gives me the opportunity to find sensible employment, as well as time to finish a couple of publications (here's part of one of them)... it doesn't make sense, but it seems like the government is showing me a little respect in acknowledging the fact that their reactions to the spread of a germ really fvcked-up many people's lives, and our family is broke enough that we qualified for some of the relief funds... so 'thank you' to the American Tax-payer, i appreciate you during this season of our lives, it really helped a lot.  --  ct

04-10-22 later:  i had a good conversation yesterday, and some of it was 'political' in nature, and some of the conversation touched on the concept of 'why certain dictators don't just get snuffed-out, why they don't get bumped-off, capped, wearing the cement shoes and sent to swim with the fishies... well, i don't know how you want to state an assassination as a means to an end of a tyrannical exercise of border expansion, my point on the subject was met with the sounds of crickets or frogs on a spring night... my point was simply that the tyrant still serves some purpose/utility, otherwise they would be dead already, i didn't state it in a very nice way, i said that it's easy to kill a person (or anything for that matter), but if there is still a purpose being served than there is still utility... i would like to assume that when tyrants really do get too big for their britches that it would be an obvious no-brainer for the international community to try to put a stop to it with possibly brutal force... i would like to think that, but then again, there are nations already being run by tyrants or puppets already, and the sheep are busy grazing, walking over the cliff, or floor-dragging/scratching of the back-side to take much notice... so my point was simply this, once certain people are convinced that the 'dictator' is causing catastrophic harm then it's not too hard to end life... other considerations are that there is always  a well-networked base for the 'dictator' so the removal of one person usually doesn't solve the bigger problem, and another problem is that some people won't accept truth, their heroes and leaders 'walk on water' and 'can do no harm'... certain dictators and puppets must still be offering value/utility, other-wise they would be gone, once certain rich and powerful people are convinced that a telor has outlived thier usefulness then someone 'chokes on a bone'... do we deserve the leaders that we get?  I don't know the answer to that one, maybeit's worth considering... but i was just stating a physical and biological fact, that it's not difficult to kill someone, even brutal dictators... you would think that once the victimized subservient are aware of the crimes against them were exposed and the consequences of the dictator's words and actions that, well that, well look, motivation is always nice to know too, but motivation is the part that is the most exploited and subjective things to interpret as far world leaders and influencers go, especially with censorship and propaganda and bias is concerned... so that's about what i meant when i said that there must still be some purpose because killing people is easy... there must still be some utility to someone somewhere, otherwise check-mate, and someone ends-up 'choking on a chicken bone', that's all i mean.  --  ct

04-08-22: rainy day here in newton, it was getting windy last-night, and the rain started in the wee-hours... you get the wind rattling the windows, and the sound of the roof draining from a low-spot (probably a broken or missing gutter i need to check)... anyways, the day started wet, it's not windy right now so it feels/smells nice... i think i can settle-in and focus on writing today, it wadn't happn'n yesterday, yesterday was a lot of car searching online, and lot's to contemplate, we don't have much money at the moment, but we have enough for an adequate deposit, and when ever the tax/irs refund hits our bank account we ought to have maybe four-grand to work with, which is actually plenty if you are just hoping to get a couple/two-three years out of something before we have major headaches from such an expense... if the interior hasn't been defiled, and the bones, and motor and transmission aren't overly noisy and still relatively smooth and predictable, and the electric system isn't misbehaving, and there aren't any nasty leaks, if the body isn't rusted through and the glass and mirrors are present and safe, and no sign of major repair, then i can drive a seasoned car or truck for three or four grand if it's only going to last two or maybe three years... those sorts of vehicles turn into projects for me, i'm a bit of a do-it-yourselfer so to speak... it looks like there are cars still available that fall under that description for the price/budget that we will have in the weeks to come (hopefully sooner IRS)... so how much do i exercise my time and noggin/energy looking for a replacement car before uncle-sam drops the payment... i think it's a fool's errand at the moment, so i'm pretty sure today will be a better opportunity to shift time and energy and creativity and research to devote to a project... i'm really dragging my ass with it, but i don't totally know exactly what i want to communicate, i should have maybe started with that, and built-off of that before i jumped too deep into the creative story-telling part of the project (i'm a rookie writer, that's my excuse), so, i'm going to finish defining every topic that i want to cover, that's part of the research that i haven't completed really... i really got ahead of myself with all of the story-telling part without fully defining the message and it's intent was/is, i'm surprised that i got so far into the writing part without doing enough of the research parts, but it means that i'm more or less starting over, in regards to the writing and creativity parts... so further definition is today's focus, it'll help me finish the parts that i started months ago... the other thing that i noticed about the writing project recently, is that it's an expansion on a 'bullet-point poem' sort of thing that i wrote almost two years ago (i started with six short essays around that time)... it's sort of covering many of the same topics as 'parents tell your children', but from a mother/father/child perspective during the first few days of birth, and it also brings-up the topic of a creator who also happens to be a personal God, so it touches on 'religion'... there are a bunch of topics that i'm covering, or, want to cover, but i haven't clearly defined them all yet, some of them require their own degree of reading... i got waaay ahead of myself writing as much as i did without defining all of the goals... sometimes we have to do that, but many times it makes sense to spend the necessary time to define and research certain things before we get too far ahead of ourselves... in the case of this particular writing project, well i'm going to chalk-it up to a rookie mistake :-)  --  ct

04-06-22: man, did i have a much better night's sleep last-night than the night before, i went to lay down around the same time both nights (relatively early), but woke up at 02:00 on tuesday, and there was to turning back, and so yesterday was still productive, but i felt a bit out of sorts most of the day, and had a dull/annoying/lingering head-ache which worsened over the day, and it didn't let up until i had a couple of PAX Era draws from a jack herer filled pod, and interesting enough was able to manipulate/crack/stretch my back around the same time that my headache cleared-up... i had forgotten that chronic head-aches were a thing that i was treated for via primary care physician and traditional western laboratory-created therapeutics (prescription drugs that my doctor prescribed), the headaches weren't the only regular pain that i experienced, there were the regular back/knee/shoulder/hip things too, but the headaches made it hard to concentrate much of the time... i think the 'chronic', or, persistent inadequate sleep compounded with demands and responsibilities, and unsustainable priorities were all factors, so was the need for reading glasses, and remembering when to use them and when not to use them... i had forgotten about the nasty headaches that i dealth with on a regular basis, they sneak-up on you slowly, and you sort of shrug it off and an annoyance but keep on trying to go about your business, it was naivety/vanity/idiocy to expect to be fruitful instead of heeding the body's responses to stressors or other physiological deficiencies... and then i had forgotten that canna helps with the types of headaches that i was prone to developing... i'm also prone to the sinus-pressure headaches that some folks experience when flying pressurized aircraft, and when the weather changes 'barometric pressure', or whatever the real term is, i don't think canna helps as significantly with those headaches, but now that i'm thinking about the subject/relation and headaches in general, it might be a consideration for analysis, but i had forgotten about the chronic headaches, i think the canna helps undue some of the tension/stress in the old noggin. -- ct

04-02-22: what do you think of when you here the term 'bitch slap', well it sounds a lot like a derogatory use of a word to describe 'domestic abuse' to me at first glance, mostly because we don't call female dogs bitches anymore, nowadays, the word 'bitch' is just a derogatory word that many people use to label woman, but i've been called bitch many many many times myself too... it would usually sound something like 'wait a minute, fvck you bitch'... or 'what, shut-up bitch'... if we want to go as far back as childhood i could tell you that i grew-up watching TV in the 70s and 80s, and back then it would have been popularized and portrayed as 'the action of a pimp when keeping one of his hoes in line'... Snoop-Dog sort of acted as one of those characters for a season in his young adulthood, he's since expressed some remorse for acting that way (positive evolution/repentance), but that man played the part well, 'what do you mean you don't have all my money, bitch' with a back-hand across the cheek... so you know, it was sort of stereo-typed way back when i was a young lad, and then entertainers and newer types of pimps and establishments kept it going so that it's a more popular term than some readers might think... now it's more of a sort of funny teasing term because so many people watched actors act-out being pimps and prostitutes while acting funny too... but the term bitch-slap sounds like domestic abuse to many people too, so i want to make the distinction between sounding like an advocate for spousal abuse, as opposed to someone that's spent a lot of time with folks that use the term as a sort of 'funny lighthearted' term... the definition of words take-on a whole new meaning over time, sometimes it even becomes a sport... but, the sad thing is that violence, or even just a slap, is a fast efficient way to show displeasure and have the recipient of the slap take corrective measure, to take the actions that the slapper demands, slapping someone is what people who aren't thinking very clearly or intelligently do to other people to make them change behavior, it can be like a spank across the fat of your ass to make a correction, or it can just be a demoralizing humiliating way to show dominance and power over someone, much of that has to do with the words/lesson that may or may not accompany the action/reaction of the slap, it probably has much to do with the violence/effort/force/velocity behind the slap, and it may also have to do with the rest of the actions of the slapper, and the state of mind of the slapee/victim/receiver, if they were in a bit of a frenzy and you snapped-them out of it with a whack then maybe they appreciate it after they calm down a bit, i dunno, that's just and example and possible variable...

... look... i don't want to try to go too deep into Will Smith's head/reasoning and his subsequent reaction/actions to Chris Rock's joke/words at this year's ego-orgy in LA (master manipulators, new-royalty, and professional story-tellers celebrating their ability to distort or capture reality via film), but some folks call it a bitch-slap though, maybe those two guys could settle the matter in this sort of fashion now, i'd say that it's Chris' turn now, but maybe he'd just give Will a noogie and a hug instead of a whollup... but... what i do want to write briefly about is a theory/concept/opinion that 'we are all ten seconds away from stupid', is one of the ways that i've heard it reduced to... we are all imperfect, and when we aren't thinking clearly, or, bringing our a-game to our lives and circumstances, then we are all quite capable of reacting to certain events/words/situations with unfavorable/grumpy/nasty/uncivilized/inappropriate actions/words, etc... maybe it's something like that... i think there are times when we take care of ourselves well with appropriate hydration and nutrition and sleep, and aren't overly stressed then most of us live harmoniously, we live in reality, we appreciate one another and operate under the Golden Rule... but then other things happen, usually those 'other things' that happen are maybe a slow/gradual increase in stress/stressors and an unsustainable and challenging sets of circumstances, and inability to discern words/actions and environment for what it really is, and those stressors can make us do all sorts of stupid/regretful/negative things in response to unexpected circumstances/events/stimuli... if the human body is a fragile ecosystem which requires appropriate input in order to function properly/effectively and efficiently, then we must also be aware that sometimes our poor actions and counter-productive reactions might go as deep as the air that we breathe, or the food that we eat, or the fluids that we consume, or the time given to sleep/rest/sabbath... sometimes it's metaphysical, we have distanced ourselves from God and aren't really living in the present, so we have all sorts of weird interpretations of people and our surroundings and certain events/circumstances, other times it's physiological (health and nutrition), sometimes parts of our bodies just don't work like they are supposed to, so we require certain supplements or even medicines to get us heading back on track... sometimes a lack of a logical healthy lifestyle and nutrition and hydration can result in the need for supplementation... and other times maybe we aren't staying in the present, and are too tired or exhausted or lazy or impatient to react to our environment and other people the way that God might prefer (see The Golden Rule)... and other sometimes it's a combination of physical and spiritual unrest that get's us to over-react to new environments and to a world that is changing by the second... i don't know if we are all ten seconds away from stupid, but the faster you process information correctly the less likely we are to make stupid decisions resulting in stupid actions... some folks might be ten seconds away from doing something regrettable and inappropriate, some folks might be less than a second from them... the 'frames per second' that we are capable of seeing/interpreting/understanding/discerning our environment, versus the time that it takes to filter the stimuli against our experiences, versus the time that it takes to filter unexpected things against our understanding of God's characteristics and mutual respect, and what is good and what's a threat, versus the time that it takes us to react to unexpected events... well, those things can go a bit faster in folks whose cognitive functioning is performing better than those who don't take care of their own human ecosystem and forget about the reality of God... it'll be interesting to see how Will Smith evolves or devolves based on his actions and behaviors, i pray for his sake that it's the gateway for a whole lot of growth and maturity.  --  ct

04-02-22: i'm trying to keep my distance from news and current events right now, i've been challenged to shift my energy/attention to non-partisan ideas... so that's what i'm doing, i love a good challenge, especially when they make sense... when i've briefly written on the topic of A Maslow's observations it's more to do with long-term survival, and being able to bring the survive to almost 'thrive'... for a while, i wanted (and maybe still someday try to) 'compete' in one of those outdoor naturey survival shows on TV, the one that i like the most is called 'Alone', a bunch of folks go out to a pretty secluded area in the late fall, and they are only allowed to bring so many tools, and clothes, and very limited supplies to do so, i think the first season they were told to expect at least 100 days, but the last person alone wins a boatload of money for their endurance and intelligence and adaptability and efforts... i literally slept on our old wooden sofa with terrible old cushions for over a year trying to make myself more uncomfortable (pretty unrealistic preparation really, but) it's good to make yourself uncomfortable sometimes, deny yourself of comforts and routines... but the idea of long-term outdoor living off of the land can be broken down to much of what Maslow describes as 'physiological needs'... the temperature control for human needs becomes more challenging when it's late fall/autumn in the northern hemisphere at certain certain latitudes and elevations, etc... getting outdoors and away from the hustle and bustle and noise and distractions of densely populated areas becomes a necessary escape to reality from time to time, sometimes more necessary than others, and others times you need to remain in that geography for longer than other times for maximum therapeutic efficacy... but the TV show Alone seems like a good challenge, and an opportunity to reset, and to grasp what we really 'need' to live in uncomfortable and unpredictable and new environments, but we know that humans need a relatively diverse and healthy diet for long-term survival, we know that we need hydration from healthy sources, or to purify water sources for long-tern survival, we say that we need 'shelter' as the other of the big-three (food, water, shelter), but the shelter just needs to keep our body temperature regulated (being dry is nice too, so is keeping out of the wind), and predators away, and to be able to sleep for necessary periods of time, for the most part... the longer we need to survive the more resources we might need besides the local fish/game/water/vegetation/timber, etc... if we want to live a hundred days or so in an unfamiliar location with just a few modern tools then we probably need to diversify our food/mineral/vitamin intake, and we will need to rely on other people the longer we intend on surviving, and we will probably need different clothes and footwear too, we may need some form of transportation too... anyways, some of those folks on the show Alone were pretty hearty and smart, others are a bit too far outside of their comfort zone, others run into accidents and other unknown variables and situations that they can either adapt to, or not, some folks realize how much they are dependent on others and miss their loved-ones so much that they realize that they value their time with those loved ones and they have to leave before others, some of those folks have underlying health conditions that they (and producers and medical staff) know about, but the condition leads to participant exit, some folks have had defined boundaries that did not yield nearly as much bounty/harvest/game as other participants... there are lot's of reasons that participants have to leave or choose to tap-out, much of the longer lasting participants had realistic ideas of their physiological requirements, and were able to find enough diverse caloric intake versus energy output to not lose too much body-mass, they need to know what is safe to eat and what isn't very safe, and they have to be comfortable being alone, in my case i'm never alone, the God of creation and the giver of life is much closer than i remember sometimes, so i'm pretty comfortable being 'alone'... i just wish i didn't hate the cold so much, otherwise i might be a worthy participant on that type of experience/show/game/competition/challenge... so if i were to tie the first post today, along with this one i would say that if Will Smith wanted himself a good solid 'reset' after loosing his marbles last week, he could start with going on alone, and the second that the boat/chopper/plane takes-off he could lick one of those frogs, the one's in south america, lick one of those things once or twice, and when you get past that experience then proceed to adapt to the new environment, and learn about what we really need in life for survival... i'd say give that a shot maybe, the frog secretion shows you there is much more than meets the eye and a bit about yourself, and the other helps you focus on the 'here and now', to be present and responsive to real life... try that on for rich-people's therapy and see if gives you a new perspective on life... some people go on a road trip, or a retreat, or a vacation, or another special 'journey' to help get balanced/grounded/refocused and reset, other folks need to get away a bit longer and a bit more off-road to get back to reality... anyways, i like that show alone, and i appreciate maslow for helping to label many of the human physiological needs... wait a second... wouldn't participating on that TV show challenge be the ultimate experience for a book or two, or more... whoooah... i don't know how realistic it would be to leave family for three or four months (or two weeks), but that would be a great venue for a writing project, i think... Anyways... i'm being a little silly, but a little serious about the frog-lick, this article speaks to cannabis, but the author touches on other psychedelic 'treatments' as well, it's a decent quick read actually, i'm certainly not promoting it by mentioning it, but endocrine regulation is an incredibly important aspect to long-term survival, right. -- ct

04-01-22:  We got so April showers today, they are going on all over the place outside right now, at least in this little northeast town.  so it's april-fools day too, i'm thankful that the american tax-payer, via the VA, didn't pull a fast-one on me today, according to those folks, 'America is Grateful to Me for My Service', and so they are... the american taxpayer paid me today because some of me broke a bunch of years ago... i appreciate the appreciation, and so i was able to get the cable/internet/telephone turned back on a few hours ago, we are going to dump the cable-TV, and the home-phone parts of that service package coming-up here soon, not sure why we kept them going as long as we did... tradition/habit/routine, i suppose... anyways, Thank You to the American Taxpayer for showing your gratitude, it's not our government that is continuing to show the appreciation, it's You Folks that are... so Thank You, i appreciate that more than you might think, and in such a time as these it really helps... April showers, right on cue... getting back to the book now, i want to bust that sucka out, i have a nice rainy-day background noise to relax and help focus  --  ct

04-01-22 later:  talked to the old man for a bit today, about buying old used cars... i think that's the way to do it now, if you don't have 30-40 grand to drop on something new then i think spending a little bit on something with good bones is the way to do it these days... used car prices are pretty nuts these days, so i think cheap and sensible is wise  --  ct