April 2021:

I organize information a bit odd because i am not a pro, but usually i write new blog posts that get represented from newest to oldest, so newest always on top... so what, right... so, because the first three posts for this month make more sense to read from oldest to newest I am doing just that for April, oldest to newest, cool?  Cool ...

04-01-21: ... april fools ... whatever ... it's also the day where Christians honor and remember what many people call The Passion of The Christ. Christian faith/religion is what i crudely describe as a continuation of Jewish religion and history and sacred texts and even some practices and i will say it ... 'traditions'. Christians worldwide for zillions of years utilize some of the ancient Jewish texts to a smaller collection of books that we call the "Old Testament', it's not for me to say much more than that about the books in the Christian bible that are categorized as the old testament other than they are what we consider to be our God's communication/message to all of humanity, it's pretty much what the God of our religious faith wants everyone to know, we would say that it is foundational to the next set of books that's in our bible, it's what we call our 'New Testament'. Most Christians that I know may eventually elude to a statement of some sorts that would say that the books of the old testament all have many individualistic values and importance, as well that they all had also spoken too, written about, prophesied of an individual/leader that would come someday in the future that would lead God's people back to a legit freedom from the grief that they had struggled with for many years which was unfortunately at the fault of the rebellious behavior and actions of many of their previously leaders, like how the deviant religious leaders and kings took advantage of their citizens/sub-servants and also told them not to read or listen to God's message to humanity anymore, just do what they tell you to do now. So Christians take the information that we think that our God had inspired different people throughout history to write, we take the historical context and information written in the old testament and utilize what we call 'faith' that all of those books are extra special because the God who had given humanity our very life had inspired these actual historical people that actually walked the face of earth to remember and write some things that were valuable enough to pass that information to future generations... Christians think that the words in our bible are historically and 'spiritually' significant enough that when this guy called Jesus had emerged a couple thousand years ago we sort of started making connections to what the 'Messiah' of the ancient texts might do and we started thinking that this guy named Jesus has got the be the leader that the old testament books had told us about, this Jesus guy has got to be a really big deal, and so began historical documentation of what Christians call the life and 'ministry' of Jesus The Messiah, or The Christ. Christians that appreciate the words and verses and chapters and books of the new testament should eventually force themselves to appreciate the words of the old testament at some point in their lives, they are fundamental to the teachings of the new testament like you wouldn't believe. But back to this man named Jesus, he didn't appear to be a leader in any logical sense, the only people that he 'led' were people that wanted to follow him, he didn't lead employees on a money-making endeavor, he didn't 'teach' in a formal way that the religious leaders of his time did, he wasn't a combative warrior that was trained by an army, it seems that he was just a carpenter with a humble upbringing... And i'm sure that his parents had some stories to tell. Anyway the historical person that actually walked on the face of the earth named Jesus was a leader in spite of his humble beginnings, even though he wasn't a prodigy from a royal bloodline he still attracted a crowd of people that wanted to literally stop what they were doing and listen to him and literally follow him and not because he wore a beautiful custom suit and spent a considerable amount of time at a salon preparing to execute a perfectly written speech that his cronies wrote for him to make him sound special or important or promote their own causes but he attracted people in spite of not being attractive or charming, he attracted people by his compassion and kindness and the way that he treated everyone equally no matter how important they thought they were or how insignificant they viewed themselves he taught his followers that everyone is created imperfect but equal to one another. I wasn't prepared to write much else about his teachings but his teachings were remarkably simply to people who listened in my opinion, many of his teachings were based on people asking him how he interpreted certain parts of the ancient religious writings but his responses were never academically challenging, the people that were the closest to him sometimes asked him to be more specific about some of his teachings to the larger crowds and his answers to their questions are found in the Christian bible, and some versions of the Christian bible have Jesus' answers to their questions in red colored text, I dig the bibles that have Jesus' words in red. There are lot's of things that I could write about regarding Jesus and his teachings but maybe I'll just share one or two more quick things... that guy could ruffle-up the feathers of the elitists of his time, that guy some had some straight-out haters that thought they had everything together but they were proven to be hypocrites, Jesus plainly told them why they were ignorant and devious fools, and there is nothing more than an elitist that is addicted to power and their own ego hates and that is to be called out on their perversion... I won't jump to any conspiracy theories here but it seems that some of the elitists that Jesus had offended got him killed, they found a way to snuff him out. Some people who aren't christian kind of know the story of the passion too, it describes the last four days that Jesus had spent in his ministry to all humankind. When the offended elitists put enough pressure on government officials to try to get Jesus to shut up, so Jesus was questioned and put on trial for religious blasphemy, the charges brought against him were for declaring that he himself was in fact the messiah that was promised to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the second part was the real 'blasphemy', that part was when Jesus also declared that he was not only a son of God, but that he was literal offspring (on his daddy's side) of God, his mamma was human but his daddy was the literal God of the ancient texts, it appears that there was something miraculous to nature that happened and Jesus wasn't just a guy after all, He was something higher than just a man, there was some man to him, but he was every bit God as he was man, the god part was a paternal thing you could say. The blasphemy that Jesus was found guilty of was that he declared himself to be God, so the elitists and religious hypocrites had what they needed to shut up Jesus... 'this guy thinks he's God' - well maybe just half God on his Dad's side, but we are what we are so Jesus did not lie when he was asked about such blasphemy, told them the truth and didn't back down when his life depended on it, Jesus didn't back down and cower under pressure because he had nothing to back down from and he knew that his very life was the last part of the mission that he came to fulfill, first his teachings, then his final sacrifice... most Christians will be able to tell you that we believe that the death penalty that Jesus had succumbed to was every bit as important as his teachings, the brutality of his tortuous ending was both horrific but expected and his death which followed the torture was both expected and necessary for The Messiah's intentions/mission. Anyways, I wasn't expecting to write any of this today... so that's about all I have for now, other than 'Thank You Jesus', I appreciate your efforts and appreciate that God's plan for restoring his relationship to a rebellious mankind included people that aren't just olive-skinned people in the middle-east but also includes people like me too, thank you for remembering us light-skinned people in you plans for restoring humanity. -- ct

04-03-21: ... so maybe today is the saturday after Jesus died, and maybe i'm one of his closest followers, maybe i'm one of those apostle guys and the most influential person that i will ever meet had just died a horrible death, he wasn't just killed he was humiliated and tortured and then died a painful death in a public exhibition... how shaken to the bone am i right now. How messed-up is my head after watching this amazing person die just like that, you know that he pushed people's buttons sometimes and that elitists will not let that go unpunished, but 'what the F just happened' is what's going on in my imagination. Jesus was in his prime and seemed to be changing the lives of his followers in good ways and he was getting people to change their incorrect/deviant thoughts and actions and then after a pretty cool couple of days he is just gone, he was just here, and how can that even be that he is gone now. Maybe if i'm one of his close followers and my natural tendency might be to suit up in full battle gear and grab my favorite few weapons and want to destroy everyone involved in the injustice that i just witnessed, maybe if i were deviant to the point in acting out in rage maybe i wouldn't have survived long enough to witness the thing that happens tomorrow... it's a good thing that a knucklehead like me wasn't one of those apostles, the story would have been so much worse if i were impatient in my naivety/ignorance because there are always tomorrows but tomorrow's actual tomorrow might be the most special tomorrow ever known because the rest of Jesus story is yet to come... maybe to the Christian his death was important but the events that followed just a few days later were the most amazing, and maybe if there weren't 'miracles' or other peculiarities surrounding the things that happened a few days after he died, but maybe the fact that his message and his story still resonates beyond billions if not trillions of historical and current people around the globe is the most fascinating thing to this simple guy... tomorrow's gonna be awesome, some big stone get's rolled outta the way and then a bunch of other cool things happen too, but not to that Judas fella, he's gonna see a bad one coming up soon.  --  ct

04-04-21: Easter Sunday, I had a rough night sleep so my head is sort of wandering and it's totally a day that will require 2 full big cups of coffee to function, but now is probably the only time that i will have to write today, but i have to write today, i unfortunately feel compelled to do so, it also helps me slow down my wandering over tired thoughts, so here goes. I think maybe it's easier for me to pick up from yesterdays theme and imagine myself as one of Jesus' closest friends/disciples, whatever they were called they were still his closest friends. One of his closest friends betrayed him for self-seeking endeavors, one out of 12-or was it 13- of his closest friends couldn't understand what Jesus was teaching everyone, sometimes i overthink numbers and appreciate crude statistics and then i want to consider certain statistics, but maybe i'm impressed that it was only one out of a dozen... maybe a guy that had a terrible night sleep shouldn't over think things right about now... So maybe i picture myself as being one of those dozen men that were his closest friends, i won't forget that there were many woman who were also very close and instrumental in his upbringing and ministry... but maybe i'm the knucklehead that i can be but a couple thousand years ago and now i'm one of his 12 buddies... and now he is gone. Sometimes it takes me longer to fully process information, or my thoughts, sometimes i'm considering too many unknown variables that i don't know how to process things that might be very emotional or obvious so i don't draw conclusions as quickly as most people, i can be a little slow sometimes, but when something comes along and rocks my world like the brutal death of my greatest influencer and best friend i understand that my natural thought-process says that someone is about to pay dearly and i happen to be an above average tool handler/apprentice of the Armalite model fifteen so let's get it on, that's a little ego but i call it human nature for today, today i will say that my human nature and sheep-dog mentality would like to take matters into my own hands, however i've learned over too many years that acting out on a triggered impulse can make a great 'statement' perhaps, but it doesn't really solve any problems, if anything it probably makes things more confusing to everyone else around me, right.... SO... back to easter sunday... i'm tired as all get out because i haven't finished one cup of coffee yet never mind two, and my world just got turned upside and i can be pretty slow to begin with so when i haven't even contemplated my second cup of coffee because i'm still nursing my first cup and now these ladies come running in and yelling about Jesus' grave and the big rock and now he's not here and, and, and ... and OK, alright, OK, you have my attention ladies, but i'm a little slow and groggy this morning, the malatonin gummy things didn't do their job last night and maybe i can get a travel mug before we go check out his grave, and tell me if i need to bring my gun, is it one of those types of things that will require defense or engagement because i'd rather just bring my mug of coffee instead... and second of all why would anyone take his dead body, what's up with that, and who does that anyway... no one takes my buddies dead body... um, right? ... Anyway, let's go check it out... BUT, Warning, i can be terrible with spoiler alerts but things get weird again from here because there are more red colored text to come, if you don't know what that means maybe go back and read the post from 04-01-21, it's foundational to today's post. So back to reality and today, today i'm glad that i wasn't one of those 12 guys that had to bare witness to what could be history's greatest moment as much as it was one of it's most horrific to those who witnessed his death... i'm good just reading about their experiences, i would still prefer to gear-up and make things happen the way that i think they should happen. My attempt is to make today Jesus' day and not my own day, personally speaking i just want to go out in the yard and start digging for the next outdoor project that i have going on, and the weather is perfect in rockingham county USA, so why not... anyway that's what i want to do, but now i got to go wake up the wife and kids and get to eastering and stuff ... Happy Easter. -- ct

04-04-21 later: If you just started reading my crappy website you might not know that i typically don't bring too much of my religious preference into regular conversation for many reasons, but mostly because it's either completely irrelevant variable to who i am, or maybe it could be an important basis for understanding my inner most motivations... i don't typically write to Christians, that's not my thing really, most of my writings are for my three kid's consideration when they get older, and also to cover some of the other stuff that i forgot to teach them when they were younger, or assumed that they already know, I mostly write to continue 'parenting' to my kids... but also because it's incredibly healthy for me to write and be transparent for my health, my own ego, my own health again.  I realized that i had poked a new hornets nest earlier prior to writing a bit about my religious philosophy and didn't want new readers to assume that it's what i do here, it mostly isn't, it's mostly between my kids and I.  --  ct


04-04-21 even later: Uggh, i forgot.  I appreciate some of the music by the group U2, particularly i appreciate the song called 'Pride' and i believe it's subtitled 'In the Name of Love', it's a tribute to Dr Martin Luther King, and i usually remember that today, april 4th isn't just easter this year but it's the actual anniversary of the day that the Reverend was assassinated, and I usually remember it because of the lyrics of that song... but maybe the best part of the song are the lyrics 'free at last, they took your life, they could not take your pride' ... i think it's the 'free at last' part that might be the most liberating to the christian, death is simply a graduation day of sorts, it's not always the dreadful event that most people fear... but what do i know, i'm not dead, but my brother MLK is as free today as he was on that dreadful 4/4 morning in Memphis.  --  ct
04-06-21: no information worthy of passing on to anyone today, today it's just me writing for me and trying to get out of my funk. i say 'funk' because thats my crude way to describe the emotional state that i am left in when i haven't completely processed an uncomfortable situation, you could also say that i'm extra quiet and sort of keep to myself when i am thinking about 'unresolved issues', or when i'm thinking along the lines of: why do i feel numb and a little edgy right now, why did i have to drive for 2 hours yesterday to make the third and final trip down to my mom's storage to clean out the unit of her remaining items, why is this even necessary, what am i going to do with all of this extra stuff in our already cluttered and full home, she still wants this stuff but she is in a nursing home and really can't use any of it but for a couple of small things, and why did i take this on when i'm already trying to purge our home of the ridiculous clutter that we have accumulated of the years and dysfunctionally keep on full display in every room in our home, when am i going to have the time to go through the rest of our clutter when i am unemployed but still too busy with regular daily chores... and finally, why am i even writing this now, i can clearly see that i haven't spent enough time actually thinking about the weird crap going on around me and why it's really bothering me, but now that i have stopped and taken the time to reflect/write about whats bothering me and i have put my own words to what happened yesterday i'm starting to lighten up a little bit, this 'journaling' thing is actually working... sometimes. There is no reason why i should have an elevated blood-pressure and my shoulders are out and back ready to strike or defend and i want to go out in the yard and blow off some steam pounding on the ground or breaking something... not at 8:45 in the morning... i did not execute the proper sugar to cream ratio in my first cup of coffee and it kinda sucks, but there is no other reason why i should be riled-up except that i forgot to deal with yesterday's emotions when i probably should have dealt with them, like yesterday. i have a bit of irregular work to do today, it seems that i've got a bunch of crap to sort through and pack back up to deal with in the future (why is this even necessary), it seems that the work in front of me today is not something that i am comfortable with and i do not have all of the answers as to why i am doing what i am doing and where to put things that i don't think are worthy of further storage, it seems that when i kind of put it that way it helps me understand why i woke up in a funk today... and also why i was pretty funky (even though my hygiene was spot-on) for most of the day yesterday when i got back from my trip to the storage unit, of course it sucked for many good reasons but when i got back yesterday i was sort of drained, wiped-out, tired and i didn't spend the effort to deal with the emotions and questions and pile of stuff that i had to deal with... actually none of that mattered really because it was all for Mom (i love you mama) really, it wasn't about me or my comport, it was because i did something for someone else and i wasn't 100 percent cool with it... but you do what you have to do for family sometimes, especially when they can't do it themselves, it's just what you do man. my mom and i had a sometimes volatile relationship with one another over the years but fortunately for us we actually loved one another enough that reconciliation wasn't necessarily easy but inevitable, you could say that we have repaired our relationship... i love my mom, so when i say that if i find one more 'as seen on TV' piece of crap in her belongings that i am sifting through today i might go full-out retaliation and not bring her the cadbury easter egg that she wanted me to bring my next visit, you are not getting that creamy delicious egg or the recies peanut butter cups, or the dang mocha kit-kat either... i mean it momma, you ain't getting your dang candy if i find one more cosmetic item from the home shopping network either... i mean it mam... fine, i'll still get you the dang candy but we have got to talk about your problem, soon, maybe . maybe i'll just shut up and do what i have to do. the funny thing is that it took me 20 min to write this as i am waking up and i think that's about how long the average 'therapy session' lasts... so maybe this whole thing about me writing for my own therapy is becoming effective... time will tell, but my blood-pressure is actually dropping now, i might be almost out of my funk in 20 minutes, hmm, who knew. -- ct

04-07-21 UPDATE, i found the special mocha kit-kat and the recies but i think the creamy eggs are already gone for the season mama, so you are getting most of your treats, but now you have to tell me why so many damn coat-hangers in the frickin storage unit, a family of five may never go through all of those in their lifetime yet you had all of those hangers saved in a storage unit... good grief ... I still love you momma. -- ct

04-06-21 later: ha huh... i like Gregg Jarrett: https://www.foxnews.com/opinion/hunter-biden-notoriety-book-media-tour-gregg-jarrett

04-06-21 even later: making a change on homepage, had an idea for a new 'article', it's a bit edgy and will offend many... but i'm doing it anyway because it's relevant, wish me luck...

04-07-21: there is a country song that i appreciate, i think it's dirks, at least it sounds like a derks kind of song, but it goes 'What was I Thinking'. so today i sort of wake up with this sort of what was i thinking kind of hangover if you could call it that. I poked a big hornets nest yesterday while using a pretty narrow aspect of a bigger picture.. cool, i did what i did and now i can grow a little as i pick-up pieces from the consequences of my actions, it's the only logical response. Analytics show a large increase in views... yup, I definitely poked a wasp nest.   -- ct

04-07-21 later: it will be interesting to see how iran and their allies will try to narrate this little issue

04-07-21 even later: not that it should be his responsibility but does Gov. Abbott activate guard to set up the type of encampments and tents and resources that military are good at to help with the moral crisis at the border of his state... does he lead by example because the executive branch clearly is not. it is painful to watch leaders try to lead when they are in over their heads and scrambling to find band-aids to stop the bleeding that clearly requires a tourniquet to repair the self-inflicted wound, your executive order was ill-planned mr president. -- ct

04-08-21: writing about things of beauty is not my jam, mostly... writing about curious things that warrant more attention, usually not... writing about things that might actually be significant enough to write about as it relates to life as a whole, almost never... writing about things that bug the crap out of me because they appear to be too difficult requiring too many unfamiliar variables that my simple mind cannot comprehend... that's usually me. And when i exercise the audacity to air my ignorance out to the world instead of keeping it in my own private journal... I'm about dummer than a box or rocks, usually, probably, mostly. i wrote about a current topic that relates to me and my opinions based on my limited knowledge of some laws, my article stands to be judged, and my narrow opinion is based on speculation by other people whom i have never met to personally judge their character or integrity, nor have i ever met any of their sources of information and were able to judge their sanity, nor have i ever personally met the editors to fairly judge their motives...but for some reason i think they are all correct, i think they are all correct to the point that i am triggered to write about it, to me, to my kids, and anyone else that cares to read...manipulative writing based on a trigger from a respectable media news outlet probably isn't the wisest either, but the writing has been on the wall as we say, and i really dig my armalite variants and so i write... maybe yesterday's article was about dummer than two boxes of rocks, probably, but it's me. -- ct

04-08-21 later: OK, Im not really freaked out over the E.O. that was signed today, i'm not happy with some of it but i'm not freaking, but I really really really dig the AR15 and i know that the AG, the new head of ATF and every liberal really really really hates them, so i'm still of the opinion that the writing is still on the wall... but i refuse to jump on the fear bandwagon and start buying crap that i don't need... BTW, if you care to purchase back my AR's that will be exactly 10,000,000.00 US dollars for the collection, I don't build crap man. -- ct

04-08-21 even later: i think i know what to do now. i think that writing as a profession will be similar but different than i was expecting, it seems that the best opportunity to earn income is to make the first book more of a 'story', it seems that i might be adequate at that, but then a story about what, it seems there are some themes in most of the crap that ive written so far, some themes, in some of them. it seems that the entertaining stories that speak to most people include variables such as human motivators/weaknesses, the sorts of things that most people easily understand, there seems to be a requirement of drama/humor as well as a 'good over evil' to be really be successful, probably because those are other things that most people understand. im a slightly educated novice to a degree so i can't try to hit a homerun, first books typically pay a small pot of beans anyway, its the follow-ups that seem like they pay. i suppose i will need an actual smart person to make edits... anyway i don't think i understand enough of the formula yet to get running with the story part yet, but wish me luck, let's see if we can actually afford to purchase the land to homestead for our future. It seems like a loose goal is to purchase the land in the next couple of years, lets see if i figure out the rest of the formula soon as, i have an itchy trigger finger as momentum picks up... wish me luck, or pray, or do whatever it is that you in support of my endeavors because i probably need a boatload of it, but wish me luck. -- ct

04-08-21 later still: analytics suggest that i poked a huge hornets nest yesterday, increased numbers are inevitable based on some logic but not this quickly with such unattractive offering, but i poked a huge hornets nest... not enough criticism yet though, i was hoping for more intelligent insight with push-back... it will come in time, it is inevitable. -- ct

04-08-21 after supper: this quote from president biden today is related to my article on AR-15s, but its a decent example of a larger point that i had previously written about political manipulation... i call it 'political manipulation' but really it's relating to the manipulation that deviant egos exhibit all of the time, you recognize it too, you probably know what i mean but so what, i'm reinforcing it for you...
Here is a straight-out lie by our duly elected president:

"Most people don't know it, you walk into a store and you buy a gun, you have a background check. But you go to a gun show, you can buy whatever you want and no background check," he said.

OK, now here is a bit more analysis by/from the article that i just read, you might call it 'fact-checked':

"Biden's comment appeared to be a misstatement of what is commonly described by Democrats as the "gun show loophole" around background checks. In reality, federally licensed vendors have to conduct background checks regardless of whether they are selling guns out of a store or at a show.

The "loophole" really applies to private sellers. Individuals are permitted to sell guns to other individuals without conducting background checks, regardless of where the sale takes place. These sales often take place at gun shows, as gun owners can sell there or use the events convenient and secure meeting points for the parties involved."

That's the end of the article's quote, ... so taking another look at JB's quote from earlier today... i typically assume that nationally televised blatant flasehhods are a 'mistake', hopefully, perhaps, and maybe in this case it's by an ignorant person that should know better then to turn away from his teleprompter and 'show his hand', maybe... or it's a flat-out full-on deceptive lie... it's been my experience that when 'important' people that are very very 'passionate' about controversial issues it's the lie thing... it's the flat out lie if you are important and do not take your job seriously enough to slow yourself down to speak intelligently about important topics but resort to falling back on manipulative propaganda and uncomfortably old 'talking points'... those usually aren't small little details that people 'mis-remembered'... those are the sorts of things that you or i might do with our own levels of responsibility if we are very tired, or trying to impress our buddies, but is that the sort of quality that you should be looking for in someone with the audacity to 'run' our country or lead anything? if so then that's on you... most adults understand this already but my impressionable young kids probably do not, so maybe they will appreciate reading this someday. -- ct


04-09-21: Beautiful morning in rockingham county, the sun is literally shining and the birds are back and full-on singing, my cream to sugar ratio was executed well so the coffee is working it's magic. kids are schooling, wife is working and i have an ambitious mental checklist of things to do, guess i'll prioritize the outside stuff, it's too perfect out. might be giving the landlady a ride to her second vaccine appt, she has a hard enough time driving down the street these days, nevermind the next county over she is suppossed to call if she didnt get her regular transportation, and i'll probably have to help my two remote learners today... one to help stay awake and the other to keep calm despite her crazy school-work load, she's got it tough this year... and then there is me, what do i do about me today besides get off my ars and do what's got to get done, it seems that writing is a good healthy start for me these days, the more i do the more i feel free to be myself and enjoy the life thats going on around me. my routine and ego says chug the coffee and lets go get it done but i have no reason to rush these days, i still move twice as fast as i need to (which is twice as fast as most normal people) but its slow enough that i dont feel as rushed as my former 'busy lifestyle' had 'required'. i dont know that i could ever actually retire but technically i am 'unemployed' so i'm not really working, and i have more time to get life's real priorities done with my time now, is this what retirement is like, i mean i guess im old enough to think along those lines even though my ego still says im 30... my ego says 30 but most major joints in my body say that ive been 162 years old for a long-ass time already... says the guy that was blessed with the dna for an athletic build and mentors that kept me active enough in my youth that i loved what some people are calling 'fitness' today. i love to move and run and get cardio-vascular stuff churning and chasing a ball or smashing a ball and riding bicycles fast and socializing/sporting with other like-minded folks... i love that stuff like nobody's business... except people forgot to tell me that this athletic spider-monkey of a body actually has limits, i did some organized sports with real coaches that could mentor a young male on mechanics and techniques to help keep your body safe as well as improving skills, but i mostly kept active and moving while not doing organized sports, where other influencers encouraged a teaching/theory that the human body has no limits and if you want to get bigger and stronger and faster you need to eat certain ways and you have to lift lot's and lot's and tons and tons and entirely too much weight... at least thats how i remember it and thats how i proceeded. i proceeded to lift weights incorrectly for entirely too long and mostly because my ego didn't like having a build or a body-type that some people called a gymnast, because my ego said that i do not want to be built like a gymnast i wanted to be built like a 275 pound full-back instead... instead of being happy with what was 5'8 150 lbs body i wanted to be more like the guy that gets the handoff and plows through the middle of the line protecting the ball and getting knocked around and still powering my way down field... but someone forgot to tell me and my ego that a 5'8 white guy with a relatively thin skeletal system and my own unique dna was never ever ever going to be the likes of Marshawn Lynch, not even with the aid of some horse steroids or whatever, nope, not going to happen young chris... maybe a slot receiver or a free safety with some additional bulk that i eventually put on, but not marshawn... i actually did enjoy getting the handoff from time to time but im better with the short route or catching the dude that got away from my boy/teammate. i had contemplated the ridiculous way that i lifted weights recently, it was while explaining to my son how my mentality with weights wasn't to just get stronger, but it was also to shape my frame into something that it wasnt supposed to be, i didn't just want to be stronger and more fit to improve certain skill sets i wanted to completely and drastically alter the person, the dna, the body that i was blessed to have in the first place, i wanted to be what i 'wanted' to be, not what i was 'supposed' to be, i wasn't happy just being me, my ego and lack of knowledge and mentorship decided to take actions into my own ignorant hands and be somebody different than the gifted and slender and athletic person that i already was... im sure that somebody somewhere, actually multiple people probably had told me that i should just be happy with who i am, and probably mentioned the 'grass is always greener' thing that people say but in my young ignorance i didn't understand how that pertained to me, and when i judged my young skinny self against the 'body-builders' of my time which were beginning to receive huge notoriety when i was young i don't know that anyone told me exactly that it was going to pertain to me when i keep listening to people call me skinny with sarcasm and when i go through the sorts of struggles that most people experience in life, like not being happy or satisfied with yourself and comparing myself with the people that i admire because they looked the way that i wanted to look... i don't remember my influencers telling me that exactly, they probably did but i was too into my own thing to listen or pay attention, but what i didn't understand was that every action has a consequence, and when a young boy begins lifting weights with the intensity that i thought was required to move heavy objects that were too darn heavy for me... when you give everything within you to move heavy object and you do not understand exactly how to do it well that bad things can happen because actions have consequences. so for the past 30 years or so i have lived with the consequences of 'pain', it's mostly just joints that get pulled a little bit the wrong way by my constant/continual muscle strains that muscle spasms became a way of life, for over 30 years... i learned many things in life the hard way, much of it is do to my own unhealthy ego, and most of it because people forgot to tell me that people have limits. i have no more desire to be the best anything anymore, i don't need the strongest fastest anything, i have no desire to break any records (except one), i have no desire to compete, and unfortunately i have no desire to lift weights again, i appreciate making outdoor work a full body exercise, my landscaping techniques look a bit intense, and the neighbors dog is still scared of me because of it, the poor critter witnessed what i did to the poor grass around the walkway a couple of years ago and he still cowers when i come close... sorry little buddy, i was just working out a little... but when i do lift weights, when i do actually pump some iron these days i use these cute and brightly colored plastic covered little things that babies can play with because thats the amount of weight required to help get my body straightened out when it gets painful enough for physical therapy, cute haw? ive purchased the whole set actually, a pair of one lb dumb bells, a pair of two lb dumbbells... i got the whole 1 - 5 lb set because thats all it takes to realign an aching body sometimes... maybe if i use them all of the time i'll get ripped again. im of the opinion that my body type was not meant to sit on a chair in an office for several hours per day, i just need to keep moving and being me now and im good to go, mostly.What made me reflect on this topic the most was an article that i read yesterday about Sadie Robertson, who is currently pregnant, talk about 'body shame' sorts of thoughts and ideas that she had/has struggled with, and i understand that she is pretty thin to begin with and that her body is supposed to get big when she's pregnant, but i appreciated that she was genuine and transparent enough to openly talk about her struggle... and that made me think a little bit more about similar struggles that i had most of my life.  i have no problems with the folks that desire to be the best of anything and the time and dedication that it takes to be very good at anything but there is this idea that i don't remember where i read or heard it, but there is this theory that some people that become too focused on themselves, their ambitions, their body type, their lack of boobs, or lack of a weenie, or their feelings and emotions... there is this theory that those folks might be over-thinking certain things and comparing themselves to the neighbors yard, the yard which is always greener... and they might not be able to give their  A-game to the things that are going on around them while they are distracted from being who they really are, or what they are supposed to be, there is a theory that comparing ourselves to what we want to be and taking the unhealthy actions to make our ego's reality come true might be 'self-destructive' to a sense... i am crazy good at being self-destructive sometimes, maybe 'not always' is more accurate.  --  ct


04-09-21 later: self-destructive, maybe, no, similar but not quite ... even still i'm not sure why people that speed by my house bothers me sometimes... sure i hear the knuckleheads with their obnoxious ego exhaust driving by much too often, sure i hear and witness people speeding all of the time, i mean i live on a main street so you sort of have to expect such knuckleheads making some noise and doing their own thing... but sometimes one of them gets me a bit too much, as in the big dummy that i sort of just met a little while ago. i sort of just met him because when he was clearly doing 40ish in a 30 mph zone which a two lane street with cars parked on either side of the road and houses measured by feet and inches close to the street, when im walking home form the bank and a big pick-up full of crap piled up too high comes speeding up behind me and i turn and toward him... that guy, that guy driving that truck at that rate of speed that pulled over when i turned around to indicate that he might be speeding, that guy is the one that bothered me... 99.9999999% of them dont except the little 'angles' that drive by the hundreds with noisy-ass bikes, they get to me a little bit too. Anyway i know that some of my words sound like im an aggressive guy but ask the people closest to me if thats true, and i promise i won't coach them either. this big dummy today was driving fast and aggressive enough that i turned toward him to indicate to slow down a little and he wanted nothing to do with that, nope, he was not going to hear that from me, probably because im significantly smaller than him, maybe a hundred pounds or so and he was certainly taller, maybe 6-8 inches more, so his ego is in such a state that he wants to live life by his own rules and doesn't want to be corrected by anyone, and especially not someone that's significantly smaller than him.. i get you you big grown-up baby, your parents tried but you just want to play life but your own rules not the law of the land, i've encountered tons of folks like you throughout my years, once upon a time big noisy people intimidated me, until i learned a bit more about your type, and learned how to kick the crap out of people that dont really know what they are doing even though they are big and angry, you big baby. you pulled your pathetic little toy truck to a stop on a main street with two other vehicles that had to swerve out of your way because you dont like to be told that you are speeding and thats wrong... getting out of your truck and trying to intimidate me further gave me an indication of what force i might have to use to get you to sit down and shut up so i can explain why going 25% over a speed limit is much less safe than the 5-10% that you probably do on the highway, there is a ratio there that some folks don't understand. so ya get out of your truck and walk up to me and asked what my problem is so i tell you nice and loudly what the speed limit is... no sir, i am not a cop and never was, those folks are much smarter than me. however i noticed that your intimidation didn't seem to work and you realized that when i got in your personal space and began to shout back at you, i noticed that you began to act a little differently, you actually changed your tone a little and gave me a smirk, so far i get most of what just happened, but the smirk could have meant many different things, and that's the part that still bothers me, i need to research. i didn't take his bait and strike him when he asked me to, it would have been too easy... i already figured out what side of your head would be best, but your glasses changed that variable, and so it would have been just below your ribs instead - center mass as they say. there is no way that your gut could have taken it, you have no way to defend yourself from that point on, the rest would have been too easy... ask me why i didn't hit you when you asked me to, because you are too easy and i'd rather just tell you to shut up and stop flying down the street, but if you ask why i did not because it would have been unfair and the type of witnesses around wouldn't have appreciated/stomached that possibility, be glad that i just took a picture of your license plate and gave it to the real police, they seem to handle these things better than i would have... you big baby, now grow up a little already.  I don't mind dealing with big babies when they need to be dealt with, but i'd rather that their parents do/did that for them, because once they leave your house its either the police or me, and both will be a terrible blow to your off-springs ego and an unpleasant wake-up to reality for them... maybe, some deviants never 'grow-up' because they became too much of a handful for everyone that should or could have loved them... everyone has a day of reckoning coming in one manor or another, parents please love your child, don't disrespect them by spoiling them, and please ask for help when your kids become too much of a handful, you do not want to know what i might have to do to them someday when they snap, it gets really ugly and violent real quick, and death is a real possibility when violence occurs depending on how big of a baby you did or didn't raise.  Parents, don't let your kids to grow-up to be like that big knucklehead that i just sort of met, he's a bit disrespectful and doesn't play well with others... and he's gonna be seeing a bad one if he stops back by now that he knows approximately where i live, unless he just wants to have a beer and be friends, that's the logical thing to do, either that or grow up, i'm good with both options.  --  ct

UPDATE 04-11-21: Just want to explain rational for choosing where to hit this big dummy, he did not require it because he was just an angry guy that i think was under a little influence of something and wanted to show that he wanted to be in control of a stupid situation, fine, i appreciate being underestimated, it happens a lot when you are smaller than most folks. typically a guy that is substantially larger than me and is in better shape than the guy i met the other day, those bigger and obviously fit individuals would be more challenging, i wouldn't just go for a head shot or a body punch, i would have ruined his left knee because that was the one that was out in his front, then gone for a really big head shot because folks that are substantially larger and stronger than me are more of a challenge than a big dummy, when circumstances arise where someone that you know can over power you and wants to do so i have to bring him down to my size as quickly and efficiently as possible because fights aren't for fun, fights against an enraged deviant could very well be fights for your life. the guy i met the other day wasn't as much of a threat as some other folks his size would be against me, he was just an angry kid/man that is used to intimidating others and wanted to show me how good at it he is... it's end up that i wasn't impressed. i was pretty sure that this individual would have been fine with a few slaps across his cheeks and told to slow his truck down, some folks are so stunned by a strike to the softest tissue on their face (nose and mouth) that most normal people realize their stupidity in desiring to fight after a quick hard punch in the nose... but not someone that is OK with slamming on his brakes in the middle of the street with two cars behind him, he needed something a bit more harsh, he needed further incapacitation due to his share size. If he was more of a threat i would cave in his most forward knee and then been able to reach his jaw with one of my knees, a big dummy was probably going to just need a couple of harder than expected strikes to smarten-up... if he's just a big dummy and not a nasty deviant i didn't want to ruin his knee or ruin his glasses or chance that the remains of them would need to be removed from his face and possibly eyes, so it was just going to be an unexpected punch in his unfit 'bread basket' to get him to be more reasonable and bring him down to my size if he required anything more... fortunately he was just a big dummy that drove away a bit slower than when we first met... and the smirk that he gave me that bothered me at first i think was the smirk of a guy that realized that his intimidation didn't impress me and he sort of gave me a smirk in acknowledgement that i wasn't a little 'push-over', it might have actually been a smirk of appreciation in some ways, whatever, i never followed back up with the police to see if they decided to follow back up with the big jerk.  on a good day the big jerk and i meet under better circumstances and we might share a couple of beers together, on a bad day it turns out like 4/9, or worse.  --  ct


04-09-21 later: i dont get this at all https://www.foxnews.com/sports/us-olympian-sakura-kokumai-target-angry-rant-california-park ... im ignorant as to asian hate uptick, you see it against jewish folks from time to time as well, i understand that hate exists but i don't get why specific 'races' at specific times other than some nasty instigating.  i 'get' that there are many people that understand the threat that the communist regime in china poses against usa and other democracies around the globe, but why/how do people pick on Asians in general, there is something other than just 'china threat' that is instigating... why do many people think that anyone with different looking eyes are now all of a sudden a threat to society in general, who/why is anyone instigating... i don't get it... lesson to my kids, dad's wisdom to share, or 'dad lesson number 435' as i like to joke... don't ever ever ever assume that someone is anyone else other than a normal regular person just getting along with their daily lives, don't be foooled into thinking that certain people that look a certain way are wrong at their core, they are individuals like you and me... they are not a threat until they show you otherwise... don't be blinded by your ego and inciteful rhetoric... assume that people are just people trying to do what most other regular normal people are trying to do, live a decent life that doesn't victimize others, assume that, unless individuals show otherwise, be ferocious when necessary, but kind to everyone else.  --  ct

04-09-21 even later: i am need of a 'news fast' my blood pressure is getting up for no other reason and its completely illogical... i will medicate and and get back to more important things, i don't need to know whats going on all over the world, thats illogical, whats important is whats in front of me and the people around me... good deep breath in, and let it out slowly, give it 5 more minutes and i'll medicate if necessary... time for a little fast, maybe.  --  ct


04-09-21 wicked late: i just tried a sip of the Zac Brown 2018 Cabernet that my wife got special for me ... I haven't had any vino for quite  awhile... well done ZB, well done.... "It's been a long time coming Couldn't keep on running Had to hit rock bottom to know....
When you keep on losing With the path you're choosing And it's time to let go... Of someone that I used to know."  --  ZB

UPDATE 04-11-21: hey ZB, your 2018 Cabernet paired well with my steak n cheese with onions and mushrooms.. you brought a level of 'smoothness' that i really appreciated yo.  --  ct


04-10-21: please, when you are speaking with me, or just talking to me, or preaching to me, or writing to me, please, please, please do us both a huge favor and assume that i am an ignorant hard-headed dummy, please assume that i am a simple high school educated old white guy that understands some of the things that are going on around me in my own life but i'm probably 100% ignorant about the things that you know, also please assume that you might have to give me the 'for dummies' book about your question or concern... most people probably know what you are expecting me to assume, you probably assumed correctly when you assume that everyone else but me completely understands what you are attempting to communicate to me, most people can understand certain things that i am a big ignorant dummy about... also, when you speak to me please assume that i am not judging you by your persona so i don't 'get you' automatically, please assume that our age difference probably makes a big difference in the way that we both speak so please assume that im slow to understand the words that you use but i am not judging you by the language that you use i am just a big dummy about the regular things that more normal people are used to, please assume that even though i look a certain way and i look a certain age and i use different types of words than you are used to and i have a weird accent and i might even smell different than most people that you are used to meeting... even though most folks that look like me probably know exactly what you mean when you speak please assume that i'm not like most folks, i'm really just a big ol' dummy... please speak to me with the simple words that you might use to speak to a child, please assume that i am about as ignorant as a little child about many things in life and even though i 'don't get you' please don't assume that i have no interest in 'getting you' but if you just try a little harder to speak a bit dumber i might get you after all, and please don't assume that i am capable of understanding really smart sounding words that smart people use either, when you use smart words to speak to me i probably have no idea what those smart words really mean but when you speak to me in simple childish words i probably 'get you' the most... please assume that i am just a plain simple man that respects you no matter what other folks that look like me might have called you before.. please assume that i am a simple ignorant dummy that was raised in a cave in the middle of nowhere and i have never met anyone like you before and never heard of people like you before and i have the simple education of a USA h.s. graduate but other than that i am a big dummy, please assume that i am a big dummy that was raised by a village of big dummies that were as ignorant as i am about you, assume that where i came from nobody even knew that there were people that look like you and dress like you and eat the food that you do and understand the fascinating things that you know, please assume that you are speaking to an old white child that probably doesn't get what you are trying to tell me because i'm not as smart as most other people that you usually talk to, in fact, please assume that i am dumber than a box of rocks when we meet again, or for the first time, please assume that i am simple enough that you can not assume anything about me other than simple words help me understand most other people better, thank you for understanding. -- ct

04-10-21 later: i did what i didn't want to do, i broke my 'news fast' already ... prayers for a man that i have never met but have the utmost respect for, Ben Crenshaw down in Houston TX...  he is recovering from emergency eye surgery on his only remaining eye... you asked for prayers you got 'em brother.  --  ct

04-10-21 even later: thank you Lord for this economic impact payment check sitting on my lap... please help us to use it wisely.  --  ct

04-11-21: top o tha murnin to ya, my kids remember that they have heritage/dna from many people from many cultures but they are technically mostly Irish... so i say it again 'top o tha murnin to ya'.  and as i'm sitting downstairs in a quiet home while my family is still sleeping i decided to turn on the television and after some brief searching of what tv channels i have access to and what is currently being broadcasted from those channels i end up on 'Monuments Men', and it gets me thinking of 'tribal division' of cultures and beliefs and experience and knowledge and race and religion... it seems that ignorance and fear and assumptions and then sometimes even hatred and violence and dehumanization result in complete dehumanization and complete absence of peace and complete absence of understanding and complete absence of not treating other people as nicely as you would might treat your mama or your kids... it seems that things like ignorance and fear and assumptions and hatred and violence and dehumanization and complete absence of peace and complete absence of understanding and complete absence of not treating other people as nicely as you would might treat your mama or your kids are things that some parents may have not taught their kids, so i have to make sure that my three kids understand these seemingly obvious things written above, i cannot assume that they understand important things that i shouldn't take for granted that they will understand without being taught.  they should understand things like violence committed against another person is one of those good versus evil things... there are some that fight for sport and profession but the violent actions of one human toward another is usually good versus evil at its core and many people have been taught that and understand that already but deviant people that require immediate correction are fine with selfish ignorant violent actions against other regular people, or like-minded people who are opponents.  deviant personalities similar to hitler as well as other well documented dictators and 'royalty' are too smart for their own good and were able to manipulate the morality (compromise) of enough other people that they chose to 'follow' him to the point of insane logic, a new 'logic' , hitler's logic... it seems to me that there are many people that can be 'tricked' into making compromises to things that their 'good' influencers forgot to or tried to teach them, it seems that there are also many people that maybe didn't have 'good' influencers in their lives and those folks will 'follow' the example and teachings and orders of 'evil' influencers if those evil influencers know how to 'teach illogical' things, like absence of peace... hatred.  There are also these other people, some other people that are taught things such as violence against other human beings, i am one of those other sorts of people, my own three kids need to know that sometimes people who teach and practice and spew violent hateful actions and have too many 'ignorant followers' require corrective measures... sometimes some smart yet deviant people had figured out how to increase their followers to the point that they have taught and manipulated and incited enough of there followers that they have to be dealth with by a larger body of other people that have also practiced violent actions enough that they are trained and capable and are more than happy to take corrective and violent measures against deviant dictators and the people that choose to continue following them and choose to protect them... sometimes violence needs to be met with violence to give some people the good hard spanking that is now required to keep those people from harming more people... most people understand that it is illogical to victimize other people, but there are some that hadn't been taught about that sort of thing by good influencers yet and may face some form of remedial incarceration, and the folks that may have faced such incarceration that continue in their evil and deviant practices will eventually have to be dealt with in order to protect the people that they will victimize, as well as themselves... those are the folks that don't take very well to corrective measures themselves, there weren't enough spankings in their parent's or anyone's quiver/arsenal to teach them the difference between good and evil and why victimizing other people is wrong... most of those types of folks would rather die than change, many of those folks will not respond positively to warranted incarceration and count down the days until they are freed so they can victimize again, and continue in their destructive actions... the people that have to deal with those types of other people have very difficult jobs and i do not envy the types of work that they do, the type of work that HAS TO BE DONE somedays in order to deal with those deviants.  i don't know how to define what is good and what is evil, but i do know that teachings of hate and division and violence seem a bit obvious to most folks, and it also seems that teachings of peace and equality and respect are also obvious to most folks... it seems that evil deviants are mostly hypocrites at their core, their teachings are contrary to their own actions that they display, their teachings are illogical to most observers, and they are very good 'actors and actresses'... smart deviants are hypocritical actors at their core, their reasoning and justifications for their actions are so illogical that their hypocrisy proves their dysfunction and deviancy... eventually those sorts of people become everyone's problem when left to continue in their evil manipulation and victimizing actions.  i'm ok dealing with folks like that but most folks don't have the stomach to take corrective actions against other adults, in fact some folks don't have the stomach to take any corrective actions against anyone else, in fact some folks would rather make excuses for the dysfunctional actions of other people, they may be ignorant or afraid of dealing with reality, with real life, with obvious examples of good and bad behavior and actions, behavior can be corrected but actions turn into violent actions if not dealt with appropriately by someone that know's better... i should know, because i had a damn good need for some 'spankings' myself during different periods of my and even well into my adult life and i am thankful for the lessons that they taught me, i am better for it.  as much as i write about it i am not into violent aggressive teachings or actions, i actually follow the teachings of a simple man that lived a ton of years ago, he was a simple guy that taught about peace/love, he taught about things that some people call sins and that sins can be forgiven when the person understands that they commited a sin and why it was sinful, personally speaking i have a boatload of sin running through my viens sometimes, usually when i forget about his teachings... his teachings kind of help me to throw away my ego and the thoughts and behavior that i want to run away with, his teachings help me wake up to reality and the knucklehead that i can be.  If you ask why i am writing about such things right now it's because i am watching the monuments men, and then read this article about these knuckleheads ... they are half right, they are half right because  when you put the two words 'white supremacy' back to back like that you can clearly see that they are white, but that's about where everything else turns wrong, white YES, supremacy NO ... i believe there are 3 year old 'black' children with more logical actions and behavior, i believe there are 4 year old muslim children that are wiser, and i also believe there are 5 year old children that are purple and green and orange that i would rather hang out with besides these knuckleheads... if you ask me why i am writing about this now its because i am watching the monument's men and then read this: https://www.foxnews.com/us/white-lives-matter-events-expected-sunday-have-police-communities-on-edge...  --  ct

04-11-21later: congrats to hideki matsuyama on your win, you've shown periods of greatness throughout your career, good on you for this big win ... and if there are any bigots that live in GA i hope this win sort of shoves a 3-wood up ur ars. https://www.foxnews.com/sports/hideki-matsuyama-claims-masters-title-first-japanese-golfer-to-win-ma...  --  ct
04-12-21:This incident was addressed appropriately, and it didn't even take crowds of incited people to make it happen, it seems that there are many places in America where improper policing methods/techniques are always handled with the attention, detail, and respect that that they deserve, well done folks: https://www.foxnews.com/us/officer-accused-of-force-in-stop-of-black-army-officer-fired
UPDATE: i just read this article yesterday, i appreciate his perspectives:

04-12-21 later: i'm not taking the bait today... i am not openning the crappy spammy hardcore rightwing email that rarely sneeks by spam filter, i am not openning the other ones that are championing the merits of their hopefull primary candidates, i'm not interested in what 'negative' things that my president is currently up to and the many stories and articles that want to illustrate that to me, nope, not today folks, i'm all set today thank you very much.  today is a day to keep about my own business and appreciate life beyond noisy distractions that are not literally feeding me today, or literally pouring my cup of canna tea, or are actually fixing one of the many things that are broken on the house, those noisy distractions are not essential to my life at this moment... and those noisy distractions are not as important as my spouse and my 3 kids and the attention and devotion and respect that they all desrve, and those noisy distractions are not doing much to improve what little time and communion and appreciation for the God of my religious preference... today i'm all set with noisy distractions thank you very much.  --  ct

04-12-21 even later: a vehicle with a male with an outstanding court warrant is stopped by law enforcement... what happens next ... what happens next depands on your perspective of law enforcement, if your parents or reasonable influencers taught you that law enforcement is around to keep people from hurting one another and helping other people that are actually hurt and to uphold the actual official 'laws of the land' and that whether or not you are doing something wrong you should still obey the commands of law enforcement if you appreciate a good encounter with those law enforcement professionals, those same reasonable influencers might have had the realistic perspective to explain a bit further and also instruct you that law enforcement professionals are actually imperfect humans that do not always do everything perfectly, especially when under tremendous stress that their job often exposes them too, but those perceptive influencers might also have gone one step further and also explain that law enforcement professionals have a complex job where they are mostly faced with keeping a bunch of big babies or struggling people from hurting one another and occasionally are forced to deal with very dangerous people, but sometimes some of those big overgrown non-compliant babies are a actually a bit worse than just spoiled children that have no manners, sometimes those folks are actually a bit worse and are involved with other sorts of things and dangerous behavior that severely victimize other people... and many times when non-compliant people are trying to make excuses for their illegal behavior, or are under the influence of troubling substances or alcohol it's a bit difficult to judge how deviant they actually are, but when big babies are under the impression that law enforcement is simply around to harass them and cause them grief and do more harm than good, and if unrealistic influencers teach others that law enforcement is supposed to be your enemy and they don't do anything that positively effects you then the chances of a healthy and respectable encounter with law enforcement professionals is not very good, in fact the law enforcement professional must deal with aspects of their job that are exceedingly difficult, now they are dealing with big F-ing babies with a chip on their shoulder... and so the war begins... the war of wills begin with a flaming a$$hole that society and positive influencers hadn't quite gotten through to yet and the professionals whose job it is to overpower and apprehend such spoiled children and allow the laws of the land figure out a way to help this overgrown child learn about more important things that they aren't necessarily aware of yet... it seems that the law enforcement professional is charged with dealing with big babies and deviants and bringing those folks to a place where a judge and the laws of the land have to deal with such overgrown children... i do not envy that job one bit and the good LEO's deserve every penny that they earn... my advice for my three kids... never ever ever go back in the car if the cops tell you not to, you should assume that things won't go well for you... cops have to take their jobs very seriously and unfortunately things like this can happen within the blink of an eye...my inspiration for writing this: https://www.foxnews.com/us/minnesota-police-responding-to-officer-involved-shooting  --  ct


04-13-21 entirely too early in the morning: woke up middle of the night, had to pee, stomach gurggling, cant fall back asleep so time to get up, eventually boot up pc and web and read a bit more about the young man that was mistakenly shot rather than tased the other day. i am not law enforcement and never have been, i had thoughts of doing so but i never actually tried to go that path, i know some retired leo that i used to work with, i know a couple through mutual friends, and im lucky enough to have some 2nd cousins that have devoted most of their adult lives to serving and protecting in one capacity or another... all of that to say that i do not speak for law enforcement, and i are not one of them, but i appreciate the difficult jobs that they have chosen.  now tell me this all of you LEOs, why the hell do you all carry so much damn crap on your belts, and if you carry a taser and a pistol on your dominent side you might consider using a drop-leg holster for one of them, or a side-chest holster or something other than a deadly and a non-lethal weapon shaped the same way on the side... military (thats where i learned a couple of things) is excessive to the degree where 'muscle memory' is second nature because of all (what seemed like 'stupid-ass) training that we were subjected to... over and over again, this gadget that i need for certain things is always on this part of my belt, or this other thing is always used for something else is always on my chest rig right here, or this other thing for first aide is always right here... and how many times did we practice the same drills and training to grab what we need exactly the way that we should be grabbing it and they were always exactly where they were supposed to be when we had to grab them... anyway i can't ctritique what i am ignorant about, and i cannot critique the reaction of any human being when under stressfull situations that can always turn deadly in the blink of an eye... the young lady that pulled the trigger yelled taser taser taser so she obviously intended to deploy and use her assigned taser, she made a very big mistake while acting in response to an unpredictable situation while trying to subdue a young man that was driving a car with an expired registration and had a warrant out for his arrest... i don't know what that 25 year veteran of the police did on the night when that happened but i would have opted to medicate, previously it would have been with alcohol but these days with cana... she has witnessed enough bad things during her 25 years as leo but this isn't the sort of thing that happens very often in most leo's careers... best wishes and prayers to officer Potter.  i write the stuff above from my perspective of leo's that i have met over the years as well as my own understanding of psychology and deviant behavior but ... but, but i want to put myself in the man's perspective, but before i do that i want to say that his own mother publicly stated that when her son was initially pulling over he called her to say that he was being stopped by police, and he stated to his mother that it was only because he had air freshners hanging from his rearview mirror, it seems that he forgot to mention that the car had expired registration which is one of the first things that leo's do, they call in the plates before they do much else, and im not certain that he informed his mother of the warrant for his arrest either, he may not have known if there was one.... irregardless, i want to think of a young man that seems to have had many challenges to overcome, he had a young child and a girlfriend so he worked like a responsible young man knows he should be doing, he had plans to obtain a GED so he wise enough to know that he would need that, he had some brushings with the law, some that seems relatively minor but there was the one that included a firearm, and maybe he thought that he needed that firearm to protect himself and his growing family but it seems that he had used it for use of crime in the past, so i am of the impression that he might have been one of those individuals that probably shouldn't have ever possessed a firearm to begin with, the fact that he was unarmed at the time of the shooting the other day tells me that he might of learned a lesson about misusing firearms.  personally speaking i grew up with many hurdles and obstacles of my own that i had to overcome (and i have many more to go), so i can tell you that i spent more time running from law enforcement in my youth than i did stopping and cooperating with them... ring and run was a way of life for me and a buddy or two, but ring and run can also turn into more criminal behaviour until that behavior is modified/corrected.  i also understand being a guy that had a lot of unaswered questions about the difficulties that i faced and why do i 'feel this way' about these things that are confusing, and angry about other confusing things, and why i can't seem to do anything 'the right way', the way that 'everyone else' seems to be able to do things, i want to do things the right way the nicer way but the emotions that would flood my veins sometimes would prevent me from playing well with others and i might end up acting out in ways that most people won't tolerate, acting out in ways that might have been more of an ignorant young man crying out for help because i didn't know what i didn't know, i thought that dysfunction was something that other, worse people had, i didn't know that everyone has some degree of dysfunction to overcome, and i certainly didn't know how much i had my own, there wasn't a dad present to help me overcome some of the struggles that many kids have to overcome, my single mother had emotional/psychological struggles most of her adult life, she did her best to help me overcome many of my challenges but i was more than a handfull to her from time to time and im sure that didn't help her life get any easier, our iq discrepancy had made life much more of a challenge for her for a period of years and i really appreciate our relationship now... i get side tracked but to say that many folks will preach a mantra of 'it takes a village to raise a child', is that because the child will require the influence of many different people to live a life that the village finds worthy, is it because the child doesn't have any parents at all and will require the nurturing and care by the whole village, is it because everyone has their own types of dysfunctions to overcome and it may take the perspectives and teachings of everyone in the village to produce a child that can live the life worthy of representing all of the positive influencers that have touched them... it's probably none of those, its usually something else that i don't understand... yet.  my prayers to the family of Duante Wright, his two year old child, and his girlfriend ... it's going to take a village to raise that 2 year old child and it will take a village to help his young girlfriend do her best in raising that child.... Lord do your thing, please and thank you. --  ct

04-13-21: ... and then there is 'dummer than a box of rocks': https://www.foxnews.com/politics/squad-member-end-policing-duante-wright

04-13-21 later: what the hell am i even doing... i am writing to let my kids understand the types of struggles that their dad has from time to time or day to day, i am writing to share some of the wisdom that i managed to collect over 50 years to my kids and anyone else that cares to read, i am writing in public to keep myself naked and exposed during this ego-shattering season of my life because it keeps me real, i am writing as self-anaylizing therapy where expelling my thoughts in random then re-reading a bit later to see what environmental factors may have contributed to any periods of anxiety, i still have enough ego left that i write with an ignorant passion from a narrow perspective about matters that do not effect the way that i live my boring life today, they might effect my life tomorrow but they don't effect me one bit today... today i need only food water and shelter and and relationships with other regular people... and that is the simple therapy that i require everyday... i need to remind myself why i write as i cxontinue to 'learn the reasons why i do what i do' and what environmental factors may have triggered periods of greatness and periods of ignorant rantings and where mt regulart life fits in between and what the future beholds, always keeping future as an uknown variable full of possibilities... the past is full of important useful history but now and the future is 'where its at', and thats also why i write, to remind me that the future is only full of possabilities when i have dealt with the past and am dealing with the now.. -- ct 

I suppose that i list the reasons above i will eventually begin listing additional motivating factors too as i get real with them and understand them better, don't be afraid to understand why you do what you do, its too much of an important and overlooked tool for personal growth, understand what motivated you to do the things that you do... if you can grasp the simple concept that your actions and behavior may be triggered by a weakness, they may have been triggered by confusing and painful history or the teachings of ignorant influencers, or they may hevae beev triggered by impropper use of medication such as using alcohol regularly or using a little weed or anything alse that can take an edge off or help to de-stress, or they might even be triggered by certain nutrients that your body is in need of... its important to understand that the reasons that you do the things that you do can reveal strengths and weaknesses that you may know or not even know about yet... its possible that if you can grasp the simple concept that there are dietary and learned and motivating and other environmental and even genetic reasons for why you do what you do... its possible that you can also grasp the concepts of what you should do, why you should do it, and how you should do it... those seem like simple things to some people but they are just out of reach for some others that may have not found the positive influencers that they require.  --  ct

04-13-21 even later: it seems that dyslexia is kicking my ass since i woke up from a short nap... holy smokes!

04-13-21 more later: it seems that after more analysis of the reasons as to 'why i am writing' it would be ignorant not to mention the variable that some sort of pleasant outcome might include what i might say to my former self when i was at an exceedingly difficult period of my life... what would you say to your former self when you were in american high school, i would say to challenge yourself to be smart, challenge yourself to not be overyl influenced by social regularities and distractions, i would say that life is frickin crazy overwhelming at times during the next bunch of years but don't be intimidated to be an individual, don't be afraind to the sorts of things that the nerdy kids do... like study, and do their homework, and ask teachers questions whaen they dont understand certain things and appreciate the free education that other people in other parts of the worlkd would appreciate 10 x's more than you might be right about now... i would tell my former self that school is not simply a required obstacle that you need to get past this stage in your life to do the sorts of things that you think you are suppossed to be doing, i would say to soak up every ounce of the shitty food that they servered you, listen to every word that the good teachers teach you and try to read between the lines of what the not so good teachers are trying to teach you but to respect them all just the same because they deserve that respect and you do not want to ruin the educational opportunities that your peers probably appreciate more than you most of the time, be more like that senior that began to appreciate things like writing and sh1t, be like the more normal kid that you became your senior... but understand that as a freshmen, you had plenty of fun and entertaining years betwenn thos grades but you wasted a great deal of free educational opportunity while letting your ego run wild, you big knucklehead, thats what i would tell myself during certain immpressionable years of my life... this whole learning to write thing is a bit freeing, what the hell was i doing holding it all in all of these years... ya big dummy.  --  ct


04-14-21: looking more into barometric pressure and know effects on humans... didn't know that i had narrow ear tubes until i was in early 20s, but that explains the pain that i would experience during certain flights, and why i always kept sudafed on me in my older years... didn't know that the shape of my skull doesn't allow of as much sinus expansion around nasal passage area, sunken cheeks close to the nose but a bit more 'normal' toward outer eyes, didn't realize how sensitive lungs can be to air pressure changes until i heard that could also be an additional sensitivity, that explains a few other things here and there, mostly the headaches, mostly the nasty headaches when i was experiencing seasonal allergies and experienced sinus or chest congestion... didn't know that someone with certain seasonal allergies with narrow sinus and ear formation and 'asthma' can have a nasty time with certain air pressure changes, but it makes sense now, it explains a lot that i wish i had understood in my youth... drinking enough fluids to stay hydrated and not eating foods/snacks with loads of dairy and sugar help to not get quite as congested but keeping the sudafed around helps sometimes, but then the sudafed comes with its own set of 'side effects' so not a logical long-term solution... need to dig deeper into root of problem not the symptoms, understanding the actual root problem leads to best solution, dinking around with symptoms of root problem is an expensive and lengthy and frustrating life... don't just 'rub dirt on it' and drive on, don't just 'take a pill' and drive on.  --  ct
04-15-21: rebranding? i think that's what i need to do as i begin to explore the reasons, the root causes of why i do what i do, when i begin to look further into getting real with myself to understand that i am a sum of genetic and environmental and possibly even some other factors - things... after looking a bit more into my 'physical' and 'intellectual' and 'educational - influences' and 'how much and what types of foods and liquids that i consume' and 'the health - balance of my ego versus reality' and ' what types of dysfunctions exist and are proven by my own actions and behaviors' and 'understanding why i use some of the similar - cheesy manipulative tactics that i despise in others' ... it seems that when considering those logical variables that i need to 'rebrand' this clunky and ugly and simple website ... my rebranding will come with no formal announcement than this ...   99 percent of this website will remain because it's a perfect reflect of me and my ego but the 1 percent that will change will be my 'about' page, as i understand more of the intentions as to why i do what i do i can see that i need to update my about page to more accurately reflect some additional motivating factors as to why i do what i do... and thats kinda what i'm going to do today, i'll leave the old information up so some other people can see how some other people can learn about themselves after crushing and ego destroying events in my life, i'll leave the old junk up for some other people's benefit if some people can see that part of my motivating factors for writing my crap out for the world to see is also an experiment of sorts, some other smart people somewhere might find the contents of this website useful in a sense, if they can understand the sorts of environmental factors and genetics effects that middle aged white guys might reflect on after been exposed to a 'fast' of some sorts, but for this guy i will say that after a an unplanned - unexpected physical and emotional trauma different sorts of things can happen to different sorts of people when experienced to similar sorts of scenarios, in some degree you could say that motivating factor for publishing the contents of this website is an old white guy also crying out for help for anyone that is smarter than me that can understand 'the obvious' if they can 'see it' within the weird way that i communicate that i am possibly and clearly suffering from 'a' which is a direct result of genetic or environmental factors 'b' 'c' 'd' 'e' that i would love for them to tell me so, but please don't assume that i can truely handle all of those variables, assume that you might have to speak to me like you are speaking to a child if i am to understand my condition and why i might simply need to add a bit less caffeine in my diet, or something like that... in a sense i understand that there are endless variables as to my actions and behaviors and i am clearly missing the logic behind such obvious dysfunction, so in a way this is a cry out for help, as well as a shit-ton of other variables that i am partially aware of at this moment in time... there is a bit of that going on here as well, right? -- ct
4-15-21 a few minutes later: it seems that i am also the sum of a human that is simple enough to believe that there is another factor that might be involved, its what some people could assume is an unknown variable, it should be understood that some humans might be 'simple' enough to believe that there is an unkown variable that is a motivating factor for why some people do what they do, other people call this unknown variable religion, i call this unknown variable my religious preference, this unknown variable is that i follow are essentially the teachings and the life example of a simple man that lived a ton of years ago, many people have heard his name a time or two, i'm pretty sure that his name is really pronounced something like 'ya-shu-ah' but most folks today usually refer to him as Jesus. it should be known and understood by readers of this website whether it is right now or in the future, that the Copy-rite protection of the contents of this website contain the thoughts and understandings of a middle age white american male with an american high school education, or at least part of one because i mostly goofed-off in school but i still managed to understand some of it... it might be beneficial to some reader somewhere to know that you are reading the copy rite contents of a simple man that also follows the teachings of another simple man, this Jesus guy that you might have heard about once or twice, i suppose that should be made known to anyone that cares to read the copy rite protection of this website's contents... if anyone can understand some of the reasons of why i do what i do, and why i write what i write you should also clearly and without hesitation understand that i don't really give a crap of 'owning' the copy rite contents of this web site, i only state that it is copy rite because i don't want to be misquoted or misunderstood or have anyone else profit from the contents of this website unless they take the time to speak with me or write to me, and maybe then donate a dollar or two using the 'Support' button at the bottom of the 'Business' page, it should be with no question to any reader that any of the contents - pages of this crappy website, that if you agree or disagree with any of it's contents, anyone may download it and polish it up and turn it into something better than what this old white guy managed to communicate, its all yours if you want it, but at least have the decency to throw me a dollar for crying out loud, feel free to throw out the dirty bath water of 'my contents' and produce a better 'baby' if you will, but if you send me a dollar we will be all squared-up... cool... you should also know that to a degree i am not motivated by money, and really don't want or need any support, you should also know that too when you assume that i am conditionally motivated by the sorts of things that most people are motivated by, you should understand that i have the most pathetic business strategy that also happens to be the best one for me, people should know that, thank you for understanding  -- ct
04-15-21 even later: today's been quite a day, it seems that i have been able to articulate some of the motivating factors and other sorts of variables as to why i chose to throw up a website when it didn't make sense to do so, to write about things that bothered me too much that i believed that the only course of rational behavior seemed to be to air on the most reasonable actions and to just write - publicly, as a way to deal with some of the more ferocious symptoms to what some people call anxiety... if i keep some of my ignorant and overwhelming thoughts bottled inside without reasonable time and devotion that is required to ... crap, got to go pick up my son real quick

04-16-21: looks like i never finished yesterday's thoughts, i'll probably fit that in today, but i did manage to pick him up despite my reminder misbehaving. April has been a great opportunity to exercise various writing styles as well as slowing down my thought process enough - i should say that i appreciate the medicinal qualities of the strain of cannabis that i had brought to harvest about a month ago - here's a riddle for you, what takes five months to grow, 10 days to dry, 3 weeks to cure, and just three weeks to utilize and share the fully cured results with some other folks that also benefit from some of those same medicinal qualities... the answer one beautiful plant, grown in my mini artificial growing environment, one stinking plant that filled my 'hobby lab', and that resulted in about 2 oz of super quality 'cannabis-sativa' (thats what the well intentioned u.s. agency that disrupted my delivery that the cultivators from our northen border were trying to ship to me) with a silly-named strain called moab, there is one place online in a far off country that offers feminized or regular small batches of seeds of this particular strain and can successfully deliver them to my front door, despite the well intentioned efforts of the nice folks that intervened in the deliver of other similar types of seeds coming from our northern border. The story behind the riddle is that once i understood that cannabis was actually a self-medication that i had sometimes experimented with during various stages of my life, once i got past the sketchy beginnings which were through social interaction and experimentation from certain influencers in my younger years, i should also mention that i had stopped all use of it early enough in my high school days so that i was able to make the conscience decision to eliminate it from my life by the time that i had committed my future to serving in the military in one fashion or another.... anyhow there were a few other periods in my life that i had both opportunity and stress-level that seemed logical to consume again, most of those times were quite necessary to consume, but i never stopped to contemplate exactly why sometimes if was helpful and other times it was anything but, in fact other times there was something clearly wrong with the canna that i was utilizing to self-medicate... it seems that most of the times where it was NOT helpful apparently was growing, drying, curing, storage issues and which may or may not have been tainted intentionally or unintentionally, its what you could say were environmental factors... and other times it was genetic factors, sometimes an ignorant young guy buys a bag of something crappy with very little medicine actually on the leafy nature looking stuff i was purchasing, and other times i might end up with something that was clearly too strong based on it's and my dna, canna and people all have various individual dna you know... sometimes i probably would have benefited from the smallest amount of medicine that was somewhere in between the weaker herb and the crazy strong herb, when a young guy that fully doesn't understand what and how and why that herb is helping in some way, and lacks the understanding of the risky environmental factors that may have compromised the actual benefits into a much UNSAFER unbeneficial herb instead. Anyhow after understanding for some years that there is clearly a benefit to the medicinal qualities of cannabis i also understood that the only way in which i could be absolutely certain that environmental risks had all been eliminated was roll-up my sleeves and learn how to do the entire cultivation myself, the old-fashioned way...except i learned how to do it the new-fashioned way, like nasa did in outer-space, with water and liquid nutriets, it's all quite scientificalical you know, its amazing what other sorts of things that i actually understand how to grow know now with a bit of thanks to this new hobby of mine, local laws are almost catching up to the reality that there is medicine in canna... when will the feds grow-up a bit more and catch up to the actual science that disproves the logic of our current laws, i'm hopefull that i will see it in my lifetime. Some folks that have a similar perspective as mine might say something like a 'sh1t yeah brother preach it', however it would be terribly important to follow the info above by saying that it's crazy - exceedingly irresponsible for someone that continually self-medicates with canna to never stop and contemplate why you consume it, what does it actually help you with, if you don't you will be stuck in a funk that you need to find the right influencer, teacher, family member, someone somewhere that seems loving and also very logical - legit and tell them that you are in a funk and that you might not even know what kind of help that you need but that you know you need a little help, or you might even need a lot of help but you need to be responsible enough to seek help, but maybe you are kind of stuck at the moment, don't be ashamed or feel that you need to hide the fact that canna seems to help sometimes, or all of the time, that's important information for people to understand if they can really actually help you... but realistically most people that i know that consume canna have straight-out, no questions asked physical issues, some environmental and some genetic, some might be noticeable and some might be 'hidden'... as i learn more about myself and hope to find the safest and most efficient method of consuming - delivery system , it's also important to know that based on my particular situation i am not certain that i will require it indefinitely, i understand a few ways that it helps me but the fact that a sativa heavy hybrid helps slow my thought process down to an acceptable level that allows me to release my thoughts rather than bottling them up, or releasing them in an over-emotional and over-reaction to stimuli, that is what 'mother of all buds' seems to be doing quite effectively these days... you could say that i'm diggin it. I really have a ton of empathy for folks with various types of seizures and cancers and other more sever medicals conditions than the folks with 'anxiety' like me. I guess that it would be important to understand additional information when considering why i consume cannabis sometimes, you should also know that the exceedingly important and necessary and most of the time respectable organization dedicated to the health and safety of veterans and their immediate family members ( i really appreciate the efforts made to improve that care by donald trump during his first, or last presidency ), i should say that i have received various legally and professionally prescribed molecules - prescribed medications from some very smart and well intentioned medical professionals that provide mostly excellent health care, its worth mentioning that i have had several professionally prescribed medications that sometimes helped but not always, and sometimes helped to a satisfactory level but had other undesirable 'side effects', and sometimes i may have only required one or two of them for a shorter period than necessary... i don't envy the job of a 'mental healthcare' professional, no, they are a special breed of smart people that have difficult jobs which include quick and complex analysis of known and unknown variables and the brilliancy to utilize critical thinking skills that can help change people's lives... sometimes, but not all of the time, sometimes the wrong molecule isn't super beneficial to a particular individual with a certain dna... where do such healthcare professionals exist that actually understand the medicinal properties of canna and actually know the best delivery method and the precise dosage of which strains or profiles will treat the shaking way that i woke up to this morning, i certainly wasn't chilly in the slightest, perhaps it was just a dream although i haven't remembered any sort of dream going back several years now, there are manby variables but there is no reason that i should wake from a sound and comfortable sleep with no where to go or no place to be but i wake up with a rush of blood and adrenaline running through my core, no seemingly logical reason... i should also tell you that medicating with moab seemed to help quite significantly, this hobby of mine is pretty cool you know, it's quite rewarding... after a nearly six month growing and harvesting cycle, and there is always a cool new experiment to try in my hobby lab too, there's always something to learn. If i'm spending the time to write the words above i should add one more bit of information... it's been months now since i have taken any professionally prescribed molecules, i don't take the one's for sleeping, none of them helped enough without nasty side effects that also happened to contribute to mood swings when still too tired at work, the darn sleeping pills helped contribute to attitudes and behavior issues back when i was employed... multiple times, at multiple jobs, i'm glad that i'm done with those now...and i should also say that i no longer require the other one's that were periodically prescribed for daytime use of certain symptoms related to anxiety, i feel a shit-ton better without those now too, and lastly i should also mention that i no longer require the one for 'pain', i still utilize nsaids as needed but not the one for pain, that's gone too... and the nsaids are only used as needed, not regularly everyday, im about pretty darn sore sometimes but i no longer have a physically demanding job, so i'm glad that i don't need those nsaids much anymore either... so i can say that i have replaced laboratory produced molecules with natural made molecules for almost 4 months now, some even longer, and i should also mention that i've never felt better or more alive, despite being old and a bit sore with some sleeping difficulties
... i hope that somewhere someday someone can understand the 'complex predicament' of the situation that i find myself in, VA healthcare, canna 'user', second amendment appreciator that has various symptoms related to anxiety and even depression, and various levels of those symptoms over the course of my adulthood... maybe someday i won't have to wrestle with the legal compromises that i sometimes wrestle with based on some people's understanding or misunderstanding about 'mental health', some other people's understanding or misunderstanding about cannabis, as well as some other people's understanding or misunderstanding about who should or shouldn't be allowed to posses or purchase firearms... i might be naive in expecting or hoping that there is a possibility, but if that day ever happens that would be a day that i hope to see... but it's also quite possible that i am involving myself in a vanity of vanities. -- ct

04-17-21: looks like Liberty University is formally announcing an incredibly high dollar lawsuit against JF jr... it seems that it might actually be the dollar equivalent to the spanking that he requires at this period of his life. Where do 'sin' and 'human nature' or the word i throw around a lot 'deviancy' ... where do those things collide in a situation like this, a situation that will cause division, conflict, and other things like a 'wake up call' or a 'reality check' for others... it seems that the USA is a nation who is not only engulfed in our own inner conflict and division at our constitutional level, and our state level, and at our own neighborhood level, in fact within our very own homes in many instances, but there is conflict and division within - at places that there seemingly - logically shouldn't be conflict... but when you look for the source of the division and conflict there seems to be a deviant, possibly a very smart deviant, who either manipulates other regular more normal people or seeks out other like-minded folks that appreciate the same 'types of sin' or call it what you will, it seems that there are many institutions that are subjected to picking up the pieces after they realize that one of the roosters wasn't a rooster anymore... when a respectable rooster looses his way and is transformed into the very predator that roosters should be protecting against... when the hen house is in a full on assault from the very rooster that the chicks were looking to for leadership and as a life example... when an institution finds itself in that situation the farmer - board of directors must step in quickly and harshly to bring such deviants to justice... when chicks pick on each then hens should be able to handle the misbehaving youngsters, and when certain young chicks become too much of a handful for the hens they hand them over to the roosters to help mentor those special young chicks for their own unique and necessary education... but when a rooster has turned into a fox , well then its time that the farmer must step in and remove the rooster before the deviant kills - or manipulates, or has time to teach any chicks how they should also become foxes, and how easy it will be to continue preying on the very own flock that they are a part of, i don't envy the job of the farmer or the board members as they must step in to protect the flock... it's seems that protecting, maybe even serving and protecting are necessary but difficult jobs that some folks have to do, i don't envy the jobs of the professionals that have to do those
sorts of things all of the time, they have earned my respect.
I would also say that there has to be a 'wake up call' type of moment, or 'mind blown' or 'how can this even be' kind of feeling for some other people that might be closer to this situation, a situation where an unchecked ego of a smart deviant had gotten to the point where liberty's 'board of whatever' had to step in to have him removed from leadership, conduct a very thorough investigation into to see what other sorts of nasty little things that a deviant may have also been up to, and then use the american justice system to issue a proportionately sized spanking to a man that clearly should have 'known better'... but to me the 'wake up call' that stands out to me is the painful dose of reality that an impressionable person experiences when they realize that one of their 'influencers' are really just a regular old imperfect human that is subjected to the same sorts of nastiness that every other human has to overcome in their lifetime, maybe the kid that finds out that your dad, or cool uncle or that neat teacher or that funny person or that special someone that you had formally looked up to is not quite the person that you had thought - imagined that they were... and then it's harder to do the 'mental checklist' - 'inventory' if that person is old enough to understand, the inventory of what did i like about them what didn't i like, what teachings of theirs persuaded me and why, were those teachings correct or not and why, were there any part of their deviant nature that rubbed off on me and may have motivated me to harm others in any way, do i need to make any sorts of amends to those folks... its a nasty example to a young person, a nasty life example to learn that there may or may not be a person called Santa Claus someday, it's a nasty example to a young person that one of their favorite people let them down in a significant way, it's a nasty example to a person that realizes that they were exposed to and respected a teacher that had no business teaching anybody anything, maybe once they were but now that teacher had become a fox, and it's responsible for the person that realizes such things about such teachers that they were exposed to, it's responsible for those folks that find themselves in those unfortunate situations to do some sort of a mental inventory to find out what did i like about them what didn't i like, what teachings of theirs persuaded me and why, were those teachings correct or not and why, were there any part of their deviant nature that rubbed off on me and may have motivated me to harm others in any way, do i need to make any sorts of amends to those folks... those are the sorts of things that older people might understand based on their own personal experiences, but who takes the time to help the young child process such things, who takes the time to tell our kids that everyone in the world, even their own parents, are imperfect people and will probably prove that to you more than once or twice, who takes the time to help a child process those sorts of things when they have been exposed to neglect, or abuse, or trauma... those sorts of children already learned that people are not perfect based on their experiences, but who takes the time to teach these sorts of children about other types of people that might be good influencers, who teaches those kids that you got a bad deal in your unfortunate situation but that doesn't make you any worse or better than anyone else and you still have a great future ahead of yourself, especially since you have learned so much from your ordeal... i know that there are some people that teach those sorts of things to young children, i wish there were more... many folks have a religion of some sort that they look to, to help learn about behaving well with other people and maintaining peace through difficult situations... i have one of those things, i have one of those religious things that motivates me to love and respect people that are the same or different than me, it teaches that people are imperfect and require the mentorship of others, as well the mentorship - communion of my own god to learn how to do that better every day... i know the sorts of things that the god of my religious preference taught in his teachings and demonstrated by his life example ... i know that the example of the god whom i choose to follow was not the example of falwell jr. and his final years at liberty, and that's why i write today. -- ct

04-17-21 later: it seems that i am still motivated by anger to some degree, thats unfortunate, it seems that much of the 'main articles' that i write on my homepage are based on my need to control to a degree, my over reaction to a current hot topic for sure, it also seems that over reactions are sometimes based on ignorance and fear to a degree, it also seems that there are genetic and environmental factors that have given me some perspectives that some people agree with and others do not, there is also a variable of having 'faith' in the teachings and life example of a person that was obviously a man but there was a different side to him, it was a peculiar paternal thing, so it seems that much of the motivating factors as to my ego in general and why i am writing is that i also have a faith that a person in history that most people call Jesus was a man that walked the face of the earth but was supernaturally inseminated to his mamma Mary, so it seems that part of my motives for writing is based on a religious preference that suggests that the christian meme 'grace through faith', the faith that this jesus fella was really whom he claimed to be, the messiah that was promised to a bunch of other important old timers zillions of years ago, this faith that this old timer named jesus that lived a ton of years ago is also half god, it seems that my perspective is that the ancestral god of my religious preference's plan to restore a graceful relationship to a rebellious humanity included giving himself as a sacrificial offering of sorts because humanity wasn't capable of producing anything on our own that was worthy enough to restore a decent enough relationship to the god that we assume gave humanity it's very existence in the first place... so as i reflect on the reasons and the motivating factors as to why i write i have to be honest with myself and say that i am partly motivated by the seemingly nontraditional and unconventional variable ... that i am partly the sum of my religious preference, so logically speaking that is without a doubt a motivating factor as to why i write... its logical for people to know why they do why they do, and its logical to slow your life down if necessary to give you the time to reflect on why you do what you do, especially when life feels overwhelming... it seems that i recently had a life changing event that helped me to slow down enough to reflect on why i do what i do and it's been quite helpful in many factors, i recommend it to anyone that hasn't done that in awhile. -- ct

04-17-21 a bit more later: watching my preferred news outlet has been healthy today, its not always that way, but today they have been giving attention to the 'funeral' i think is what they are calling it, the funeral of a Scandinavian - British royal, that is not the type of government that i have experienced other than some biased opinions so the 'royal' thing i don't fully understand, but i understand life and death and the various experiences and mourning's and traditions and ways that different people honor and say good-bye to a loved one, things seem a bit more 'logical' when the departed are older, and a lot less logical when the departed are young or in their 'prime', its a bit more shocking and painful and hurtful when people didn't see it coming or unexpected or seems to happen when 'it doesnt make sense', thats when it seems to be the most painful, but when the simplicity and reality of life and death are understood and the more time loved ones have prepared for a departure and how prepared for the departure that the deceased had taken into consideration... it seems like things like funerals are merely a way to honor and say good bye to an old friend or a relative or a special somebody that you wished you had gotten to know a little better... i'm watching 'news' today and they are broadcasting an event that makes no difference in my life today but the way that humanity either respects our own or disregards the importance of one another is what gets my thoughts turning now, i have no interest in royalty or royals or anything royal in nature but i appreciate the way that the royals are honoring and saying good-bye to an old friend of there's, i don't know that the whole world needs to watch it on tv but then again i think thats part of the sum of a royal, to be an example to their people, well done royals, and thank you for reminding me of the reality of life and death, i would pray to the god of my religious preference that the royal's haters are kept at bay for a bit of a mourning period at least, i would hope that the reality of life and death and the humanity of others would allow those royal folks to finish saying good bye to their loved one. -- ct

04-17-21 further in the day: writing today is more than anticipated but good, and great exercise - training for first novel, still thinking action and adventure based on a bunch of things and so i think i understand some of the important variables that are utilized - involved in how to write a captivating but morally suitable novel that would be adequate for public consumption but try to earn enough to purchase some land for future and better times and places...but now the story line, i have plenty in mind but which one to narrow in on, or which is actually the better one that i haven't thought of yet... i think i know the formula, but still waiting on the inspiration - timing, maybe, but it will come... and it's usually in the blink of an eye, and the writing just feels natural it's easy once the inspiration, trigger, idea, story line or 'thought' that brings forth the rest, the rest is easy.
Also want to mention that watching the first and second 'night at the museum' and recently some of the 'avengers' with my legacy - kids are helping in understanding some of the pieces of the formula involved in an adequate novel... it's one hundred percent worth mentioning that my three children are not only my logical legacy but they are a joy to hang around with, even if it's just watching a light-hearted movie together... i don't read as much as i watch these days, but separating the work that screen writers do with the story told in a novel has been a recent obstacle, but i think i get it now, but time will tell... if i don't over think too much or get in my own way it will be easy once that inspiration kicks in, it seems that i have the time and in most respects i am ready so all logic suggests now, yet not that final missing ingredient, the story line - inspiration, -- ct

04-17-21 even later: i think i understand more about when to shut up about observations, when you are using psychological scientifical words to explain the ego and human condition and peculiar words that someone like me has no business using when we are just watching an action adventure movie, i think it got a 'shut your trap up dude' kind of look from my loved ones a short while ago, i believe that it was justified, but i'm learning more about writing stories that have mass appeal to various types of people, i believe that part of the formula is to include strong characters who display egos that most people have been exposed to - familiar with, it seems that if you can write in a way so that your strong characters who have easily identifiable ego/human characteristics who also display a rang of emotions as they struggle with moral and physical challenges sort of a good versus evil struggle sort of thing, then there is the creative way to demonstrate the struggles and challenges that your strong characters experience, you need to be creative but also have knowledge - experiences, you must research enough to make up for lack of prior experience, and even then you still need to research and understand unknown variables because i can be a big ignorant dummy many times, so i can't be lazy and assume things that i have no clue about, i refuse to baffle with bullshlt, blinding with brilliance is the only other part of that meme that i will take part in... so you must stay within yourself, be creative in expressing observations, stick to your morals and values, and then try to execute a formula that i am learning from watching the avengers, and night at the museum series today with some of my loved ones, today has been productive to some extent but i don't think i was involved with any productive chores or other sorts of responsible activities, today was hanging around with some of my most favorite people and drinking in some good fun entertainment, and learning more about communicating through story-telling, it's what a teacher or two in high school called creative writing, i'm learning more about that sort of skill today, i think that part of my future is riding on the possibility that creative writing is a skill worth honing, i think i can make a dollar or two by story telling in a way that won't compromise my moral integrity and i think that today has been exceedingly beneficial in my research to hone the skills of a creative writererer, there is a bit of that sort of thing going on today for sure... i think that sort of thing has always been a big part of who i am and i think that the year of 2020 was instrumental in solidifying that notion, 2020 helped a middle-aged white guy grow up a lot in a bunch of different ways that i wasn't expecting to grow up about but also in helping me to exercise this creative writing thing that some high school teachers whose names i don't remember tried to mentor me about and it think it was about 150 years ago that those nice teachers tried to teach me about that sort of thing but really it wasn't much more than 30 years ago i think, NO no no ... stop, i think now we just started another avengers movie and now i need to get back to family movie binge athon and some of the people that i love the most, c ya. -- ct
04-18-21: https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/whoa-rapper-black-rob-dead-at-51  ... some people might speculate that i am working on the sabbath, whatever, im starting my day off in a typical manor, im awake and moving around before the rest of my household wakes up. most of my morning routine begins with a nice hot mug full of newman's own coffee out of our current keurig model, i got additcted to those machines when i worked in various corporate office type of settings over the years, and the newmans own is my current k cup of choice, anyway im good with an herbal tea made from straight out nature and stuff too when i am camping or just want to break routine, but currently i love my handy coffee machine and a medium blend of decent coffee... then there are several other boring factors but if i have the time and desire i will get on web and check out fox news home page, and that in itself may cause other distracting research that i have no business doing whatsoever but that happens quite a bit, sometimes, often. there are many environmental factors that may trigger further research or possibly response in the form of writing a new homepage article' or writing on my - this blog... but if you want to know why i am triggered to write about something sometimes that are controversial i am sure that people smarter than me can anylize my writings easy enough to explain that better than i could, but today it was after reading the article that the link above points to... i read the article above and then did what i probably shouldnt have but i did it anyways, i scrolled down passed the article and began reading the 'viewer comments' and those are sometimes worse than the poorly written stories themselves, sometimes the poorly written stories are written on biased opinion whether the author or editors care to understand that or not, sometimes writers or editors expose their bias - lazy assumptions, sometimes those smart people either intentionally or unintentionally lazy-ass bias, on a good day i pick up on it rather easy, on a bad day it strikes enough of a chord that it triggers some symptoms of 'anxiety'... a big part of writing for me is to help discern environmental factors that may trigger these unwelcomed symptoms that i struggle with from time to time, its quite helpful to 'take notes' and go back and read them sometimes you know, i had difficulty doing both or either when i was supposed to be focused on education in my youth, but as an adult i am learning the value of those sorts of things, i learn many things the hardway, mostly because i didnt know how to communicate well, i am learning that the hardway too, and also as an adult, it seems that creative writing is a somewhat easier way to compensate for the degree of dyslexia that i often deal with, it seems that creative writing lets me speak in my own sort of language where things like grammer and spelling and those sorts of things that i struggled with compiled on top of the dyslexia which is also a difficulty in communication, it seems that there are and were lots of things that make sense when i take the time to stop and understand why i do what i do, lots of things begin to make more sense when i stop myself from being busy and take the time to understand those sorts of things, it seems a bit healthy and beneficial.... so back to the news article, i read the whole article and in my head i interpret as 'that a guy that is close in age to me just died, it seems that he was a professional rap artist for some period of time, it seems that he is a dark-sinned guy but his stage-name by nature will bring certain 'labels and stereotypes' by many people, it seems that he had gone through an exceedingly humble experience many times in life actually and had quite a tragic one leading up to his departure' then also in my head im thinking that 'coming to grips with the reality of losing a loved-one or influencer and especially one that was popular enough to touch the lives of many people will be difficult for some folks, maybe a lot of folks... and im thinking that there are probably some folks that could use some prayer right about now', and then im also thinking 'this guy was 51 which is close to my age and he lived a life quite different than mine which always intrigues me, so now maybe i want to read a bit more about his unique life, maybe i can see where we may or may not have similarity and maybe where we do not, and what sorts of environmental or possible genetic factors separate us, yet where does the human condition in general show us how similar we probably were' ... those are the sorts of things that run through my head after reading such an article, but then why am i triggered to write about it is always something that i try to figure out prior to spewing a bunch of opinionated filth or will i actually write about something that is worthy of public consumption, so i read this article this morning and i draw my own opinion about what i had just read, and then i make the mistake of scrolling down to read the 'comments' section where anyone from anywhere can chose to write a comment worthy of mass consumption or they can utilize their wasted calories by spewing their ignorant lazy hatred... it seems that i had read little bit of that sort of thing this morning and it had triggered me to write.
what else am i zeroing in on recently... if you want to know why i chose not to capitalize 'i' when i refer to myself because its kind of keeping my ego in check kind of thing because really i am the most insignificant person that has ever walked the face of this planet so i am in no need of referring to myself with the 'scholastically correct' capital that most other folks are probably more deserving of, im pretty weird like that, and im pretty sure that within seconds of meeting i can find a similar peculiarity or oddity or deviancy or kindness and respectfulness or complete lack of, so lets make it clear straight up that we are both clearly weird in one fashion or another, and lets also be clear that the people that i admire the most (somedays) are the folks that have a balanced ego which is typically displayed by the complete absence of 'putting on a front' or an 'image' or a 'persona', i use those words to describe a sort of 'false front' or a 'mask' or a reluctancy and hesitancy typically based on environmental or learned behavior, leanred behavior tells a young person that they don't feel comfortable being themselves they dont feel free to be themselves so they feel the need to possibly put on a false self and act a certain other way that they think they should be behaving... that is the sort of learned behavior that a young person might exhibit, or an older person may exhibit when environmental factors or possibly genetic factors have kept that older child from realizing that they are either going to be entertainers that know how to act and 'you must be quite observant to have picked up on such things, but we also need to figure out if you are training to be an entertainer or not because people who are not trying to entertain other people do not have to act in other areas of their lives', it might be wise to discern early on with some children if they are acting because they want to be entertainers or if they are acting because they are afraid to simply be themselves... it seems that people that are professional entertainers have studied and practiced their skills and profession, but is seems that there are far too many mockingbirds that were taught that acting is simply a lazy way for other people to quit growing up and get real with themselves and about whats really going on around them... and it seems that there have been many actors and actresses and entertainers that have blurred their profession with their dysfunction and folks around them have witnessed tragedy... some people might see the life of Black Rob as a tragedy, im not convinced of that, because every tragedy has the possibility of a redemption, one man's humbling moments may contain every ingredient necessary for a warm fresh loaf of peace and redemption... uh-ooh... looks like everyone is up and awake now so i'm gone. -- ct

04-18-21 later: so it seems that i draw people in by some mild advertising that essentially has folks landing on my homepage, it looks like i do that by writing about my perspective on current topics, it seems that i try to draw in readers by doing some tiny free advertising on my personal social media accounts from two different networking sorts of interactive databases, it looks like my intentions are to draw a some amount of readers to my homepage, and thats based on me pushing hornets nests with current events and politics, i am guilty as charged... and if any of those folks that land on my homepage someway or another are interested enough in learning more about the opinionated jerk that wrote the articles they might end up on this blog page where i feel much more free to write about a zillion different things but mostly i do it to write on this blog page for anyone that cares to read things beyond my perspective on current topics, and really this blog is really where my three kids can read themselves when they get a little older, when they get old enough to understand why their old man was cranky about some sh!t sometimes, i joke like that using funny and simple words but fortunately my kids are much smarter than me, my kids know why i think and do some of the things that i do but somethings you can't quite get a grasp of until you get a bit older and more simple... i implore any reader that ends up on my blog that has any questions about anything that i have written to simply use the 'comments - criticism' form below to get in touch, i do read them all and reply when necessary, and sometimes those same comments turn into thought provoking articles or follow up, so sometimes i don't always reply, but i read them all so don't hesitate to get a hold of me for any reason if you have any questions about why i am cranky and opinionated about things or if you think i can actually really help you, i can't promise that i can help you but i promise that i will try... so if you end up reading this blog that i hope my kids get to someday please understand that i'm not as cranky and opinionated as i sound, i actually love other people besides myself, know that i have plenty of my own responsibilities but if i can help you i will... anyone that stumbles across this blog should know those sorts of things when reading... cool? ... cool, so when i write about certain things sometimes i use several form of manipulation, ask someone that know's about those sorts of things and they can tell you more than i can about that but i am aware of several forms of communication - manipulation which induce very quick results, they are very efficient, they are things like 'swearing' to a degree and exposing dysfunction and hypocritical actions and behaviors in important and smart and famous people, and i do that with words that use or induce raw emotions and an attacking like method, i can be a noisy little attack dog when i am triggered by certain things sometimes, i am not just noisy i am actually a confident and trained person that can be about as big of an attack dog as they get sometimes or another, however the teachings and life example of the god of my religious preference doesn't preach that those sorts of things aren't always the best course of action... in many respects i write now with this confident sounding demeanor because for many years i have felt neutered in a sense by the peaceful teachings of this jesus fella, in many respects i have battling an inner sort of conflict between the peaceful teachings of someone that i happen to believe is the god of all life and the attack dog that i suppress many times, you might see this behavior if you read anything that i've written from time to time... i'm not in a meeting surrounded by other like minded people so i don't feel that i have anything to hide or suppress when i write on this blog, so i don't mind letting things a little loose and being more like the big dummy that i can be sometimes when i write on this blog thing, but also i feel a bit more free to expose that side of me as i am taking the time to reflect on the past and see what that tells me about the person and the struggles that i face today, i call those sorts of things 'environmental', when you take the time to be honest with yourself and reflect on your past and your previous actions and behaviors and how those sorts of things relate to certain current actions and behaviors or most of the time just thoughts that maybe i'm not so proud of... sometimes if people are ready to be open and honest with themselves and take the time to reflect back on their history and their previous 'environmental factors' such an influencers or teachers or employers or whatever it is that people are exposed to that might actually still influence certain actions and behaviors and reactions to current stimuli, when you factor genetic and environmental and possibly even 'spiritual' variables many times, most of the time, almost every time it seems to make sense in a bigger picture than if a guy keeps himself busy and is always trying to 'just rub dirt on it' types of solutions... those types are not solutions, in fact they are quite inefficient actions that become entirely too distracting, its seems to me that every second of unemployment as a result of covid 19, and all of the discomfort that it brought about was worth every second in hind-sight, i actually appreciate it now, but man did it suck about a year ago, you don't even want to know. -- ct

04-18-21 even later: there is this former colleague of mine, he is  darker-skin guy from bama, i remember him as 'mack ohms', this brother of mine is struggling with pneumonia and covid at the moment, this former colleague of mine is a specimen of a human being, about as healthy and athletic as they come and about as respectable too and i can't imagine him sub-coming to a microbe, get better brother.  --  ct
04-18-21 laterer: social media 'expirement of the day', this was posted to a social media page for a guy that i met a ton of years ago, his post is literally asking people for the security questions that they might have used when setting up an online service, these are the sorts of tricks that clever people have figured out in order to get unsuspecting people to give up private and personal information, some of these folks are close to my age and they ought to know better, but look at how some of these folks just openly comply, i almost took the bait, read it below, this is also a great example of mob-mentality, herd mentality, safety in numbers sort of things, how many people that ought to know better are simply doing because other people are doing it :
04-18-21 a second or two later: i sent a warning shot to warn folks, i will check back in on the post later to see if anyone heeds my advice or laughs me off, this is a good experiment, identify a problem and warn people that were exposed to the problem, what is the percentage of people that heed the warning, what is percentage of people that never bother to check back in, what percentage of people that know something more than i know so aren't afraid of their responses, what is percentage of people that realize they were fooled but refuse to delete or change their replies, what are the unknown variables... anyway i hope those folks all remove their replies and i hope that the guy who posted it realizes that he was getting used, if in fact he was being used or is a predator himself, hmmmmmm, now i want to keep an eye on him a bit more.  --  ct
04-18-21 a couple two or three seconds later: good luck to ya social media partakererers, please delete your posts, it doesn't take very long for the predators to take what they want when the sheep are simply handing it over... UPDATE: i think i know who the predator is now... now whats the appropriate action, a touch more surveillance for now.  --  ct
04-18-21 even more later: this post is one hundred percent ego and not really worth reading but maybe a curiosity thing for anyone that cares about this sort of thing... but, one of my secret pleasures, survival shows, and now there seems to be a bunch of episodes broadcasting thats one of my favorites so probably a new season, or at least a new season is coming up soon, but its 'naked and afraid', oh my word its one of my favorite shows ever, the naked part doesn't phase me one bit but at its core its a show that captures the actions of two total strangers that both understand that they are subjecting themselves to an exceedingly primitive three week adventure like most people will never experience, i'm not into nakedness as a thing or nakednessnesses either, and no one wants to see my naked butt, and if you are into nakedness adventures you do your own thing but please not in my neighborhood, not everyone is into that sort of thing... anyway everyone is naked and everyone gets dirty when they are naked and trying to endure natural environments and conditions so maybe you could say that its a show about reality or maybe you could say its a show that shows a bunch of naked and dirty butts, but at it's core its about as hardcore of a survivalist experience that most people would never be willing to subject them selves to... and they are naked... and there appears to be a film crew capturing almost every moment of everything that those two buck naked strangers have to endure to survive their adventure, egos go out the window real quick when you are face to face with a a mutually naked stranger, of the opposite sex, it might be a bit awkward maybe, probably... but then when you strip away the awkwardness and confront reality, which is that you dont have anything to keep your dirty naked ars alive for the next few weeks but a knife or a fire starter and having to lean on an unknown buck naked stranger that may or may not have any clue what they have gotten themselves into... there is nothing like being cold and tired and hungry or wet or dealing with annoying or deadly critters... man i love that show... anyway these folks are dealing with an adventure in a location that i am a bit familiar with and i can feel their pain like you wouldn't  believe, i want to pray for them or something but this episode was filmed months ago, but i am feeling their pain... some of those critters that they are dealing with are hilarious to watch once you've gotten a bit more exposure to them, anyway, good luck you dirty naked couple of adventurous folks, good luck to ya, man it gets crazy cold at night and my white ars doesn't fare well in the direct sun, so i'm feeling for you... btw, naked and afraid is broadcast by the discovery channel media folks, i just looked it up and stuff.  --  ct
04-19-21: what do you call a middle-aged white guy from northeast usa that had life turned upside down during the covid-centered year of 2020 ... lucky, and what do you call a guy that lost control of many of the things that i was trying to control in my own busy little life during that same time period ... irrationally yet logically fortunate, and what do you call a confused middle-aged white guy who is confused because i was allowed to stay in my dysfunction for entirely too long because my ego was unbalanced and my communion with the god of my religious preference was minimal and i was confused about many things in life to the point where a years-long fast of some sorts was instrumental in bringing those dysfunctions to the forefront and it was finally the time to deal with them appropriately, or chose to continue a life of confusion and 'suffering'... what do you call that guy, maybe blessed... i think those things are all sort of me at this particular moment in time and i've never felt better or more alive in many respects, in many ways i truly am blessed by the year that many other folks have lost loved ones unexpectedly and far too soon in some respects, and i am humbled to the core when i understand how much more unfortunate of a year that many other people have had as they have tried to figure out the best way that they know how to react to unexpected stimuli... i have my frickin life man, i still have life man, i have witnessed many terrible things and have reacted in my own manor but today i have my life, and food, and water, and a warm dry place to sleep, and i have people that know me and care for me and appreciate stuff that i can do to help them... but today i have life, and i know a bit what to do with it, sometimes better than others, but today i am alive and i also believe that the life that i have today is sort of a gift, i actually and truly am of the opinion that the life that i have been given today is a gift from the very god whom i believe has given me life, i sort of know what i am going to do with this gift of life today... i know that breakfast and a second cup of coffee are next for this dude, there is so much that i don't know about life and what sorts of changes will happen in my future, but i also know that i am a simple guy that chooses to think about simple things, i tend to get a bit off-track and uncentered when my simple mind spends too much time on smart fancy angry unpeaceful distracting sorts of things, it took a very painful year of 2020 to help me finally understand that i am a simple man that has immersed myself in an overly complicated lifestyle that required some immediate attention... and so nature is calling and i don't have to pee, nature is calling and my bowels are quite comfortable right now, nature is calling and tugging at my core because the world that we find ourselves in is surrounded by natural occurring materials and liquid and food, it seems that nature or the god of our existence provides the sorts of things that we need, but where is the balance of comfort versus essentials and reality... hopefully i will find out one day--  ct

04-19-21 later: i just read a few articles that are almost triggering me to write, but i won't, i have legit stuff - chores in front of me that need to get done... being lazy when the family is all home and together is fun sometimes but today's forecast is chores chores and then maybe a couple more after that too, and we have to get rid of all of this extra crap in our home... i'm going to chip away at that too, in between the chores, good grief.  --  ct

04-19-21 a tiny bit later than last time: i thought i had motivated myself enough to go do something fruitful and sensible with my time... i did... i hand washed exactly 6.75 dishes, six are now super clean and other was a gross mug that i have given it the presoak that it now required, the remaining 25% of the cup is easy to clean after the presoak... so i motivated myself to wash a few dishes and make another cup of coffee while listening to a song or two and now im back, in front of a keyboard... i've felt a bit inspired lately and today maybe might be a better day to write than to do what i think i should be doing, maybe i'll write a bit more and go wash a few more dishes, or use writing as some new form of a crutch to keep me distracted from what i should be doing but time will tell, and so when i say that i feel motivated to write you know a bit what i mean, when i say that i feel compelled to write sometimes thats probably a bit more accurate, i think. when i say that i am beginning to understand that writing is something that i need to devote more of my time and future toward you might sort of get what i mean... reality to me is that anything that i write can and will be used... for practical purposes, the reality to me is that practice helps people to do things better, and so the reality is that when i do write these days it is a good exercise to hone skills, when i take 20 minutes here or there or put a few thoughts together and then put those thoughts into my noggin for those 20 minutes, and then regurgitate all that my genetics and environment has led me to perceive at this exact moment in time using the words and language that i know best, all in those same 20 minutes or so i will call those 20 minutes wisely spent... and then it's up to any reader to discern for themself if i used my 20 minutes wisely or if i exerted a bunch of calories that i should have used on something else... like the damn dishes that are still sitting in my sink... like those sorts of things. -- ct

04-20-21: today is a day that cannabis activists and consumers and profiteers rejoice, whatever, i'm not into the lifestyle as much as i am about what the medicine in the plant is really actually doing when it helps with anxiety, something about physiological effects, i understand most of it but not in great detail, i understand most of the theory of why it helps but there is still too much speculation thrown around by so called experts that still confuse the crap out of me, time will tell what the real actual thing that helps me sometimes is really doing in my noggin, but anyway if you are one of those folks that appreciates 4/20 thats great... it's great if you have an underlying health issue that the plant helps with and you know how to safely consume it and you know that it is factually helping you then i am happy for you, but sad about your underlying health condition, i'm sorry to hear about that part ... it's also great if you are someone that occasionally needs a stress-relieving period and knows how to safely consume and has someone else that they respect that they can talk about their stressful period of life with, it seems that might actually be the responsible thing to do, maybe, it seems that most 'normal people' that consume canna from time to time to help alleviate stress do not really need to consume it with a whole lot of regularity... most folks live a lifestyle that works best for them and their own ability to control stress, the day to day stress that they are capable of handling for a long term lifestyle, but then there are also these other people that to some folks might be 'not as normal', i put myself into that category because there are some unpredictable moments in my life where there are certain symptoms of anxiety that grow to a quite uncomfortable level where i have some physical symptoms too, typically an elevated heart rate and sometimes a flush of what feels like adrenaline or maybe a mix of hormones together, but i say this to help clarify something that some people think is important and other people don't think it's all that important, but i write about my own personal experience because i don't think that i was consuming canna safely and responsibly for a handful of years until my lifestyle slowed down enough that i had time to reflect on a bunch of things really but in particular i had the time to get real with myself and quit being lazy and being satisfied with the lazy perspective that 'i don't know it just sort of helps me', i don't really think that its a healthy perspective for someone that consumes canna but hasn't taken to time to understand why they do what they do as it relates to canna consumption... knowing why you do what you do is a healthy and responsible thing to dwell on some times... in fact its a real healthy thing to sort of think about during stressful periods of someones life, in fact its a healthy thing to do in general if you want to keep your ego in a healthy well-balanced place in your life... in fact when people understand that they are not perfect and are willing to look at the possible root-causes of why they do what they do you might begin to learn some interesting things about ourselves, like the sorts of things that we are motivated by, and maybe even 'how important are those things that motivate me', and maybe even something like 'oh gross, why am i motivated by foolish and illogical things' much more than i care for, maybe those sorts of things... sometimes some people who slow their life down enough to consider what motivates them, or why they do what they do, sometimes some of those people are confronted with remains of dysfunction that still run free in our busy little lives... it's embarrassing perhaps, it's painful maybe, it's a good dose of reality possibly, it's a good ego-check even for some... but no matter if it's embarrassing or painful or an unpleasant wake up call or a good hard spanking from the god of my religious preference, whatever the dysfunction that still remains in our lives, those sorts of things that might rise to the surface when we undergo particularly stressful periods in our lives they are all incredibly important, and they are all incredibly important enough to talk to someone that might be able to help, or maybe even to just be thankful that you are addressing it, finally, in a long over-due responsible manor, but it's all frickin important enough to make me want to write about it today... i'm thankful for the stressful year that most other folks also experienced, i'm actually exceedingly thankful for the dysfunction that got stirred up once again in some very painful moments during the year of 2020, you could say that i had an sh1tty year, one that i don't wish to repeat anytime soon but i will... i would encourage other folks that are still feeling like that sh!tty year is still kicking your butt to maybe give themselves some time to see if there might still be something that you might have needed to learn about yourself during this period of time and maybe ask someone that you respect if they know how to help you understand those sorts of things... i'm not a pro but if you use my 'comments - criticism' form below to get a hold of me i will try to help you if you do not have someone that is respectable or that could help you, it seems that i have enough time on my hands to do things like that these days. -- ct

04-20-21 just a few minutes later: is the dysfunction the fact that we still have some painful memories or experiences or trauma that we haven't slowed down to deal with, or is the dysfunction the improper way that we react to stimuli, is the dysfunction the fact that we do not know how to communicate effectively when we are shaken too far past our comfort zone so we either over or under reacted or simply the way in which we communicate, is the actual dysfunction simply the fact that previous influencers and experiences have left us unable to effectively communicate and ask for the help that we need to understand the 'big picture' of those painful experiences that we were ill prepared to face... is dysfunction simply a degree of which we were not prepared for the reality of the world that we step out into after we have left the covering of a family home, is dysfunction simply how prepared or under prepared we are to live a good healthy life that's full of positive encounters and experiences, and if so is that also part of the reason that some say that 'it takes a village to raise a child', is that part of it, does it take lots of perspectives from lots of different people from lots of different places to help a child be well prepared for the life that they are walking through, im not a pro but that's got to be part of it... and then how does a child that doesn't have a traditional two parent home that actually has two healthy parents that can combine their efforts to afford a safe and nurturing home life to give the time and attention and love and education and safe food and water that most people would appreciate, you know those are what i call 'privileged' types of upbringings no matter what race or religion you come from... how does a child that seems to have a few more than normal obstacles to have to overcome in life, how does a child with no healthy parents or positive influencers in their lives find the type of mentors or positive influencers that they are in need of to show them the sorts of important things in life, and how to help them deal with some of the unfortunate experiences of their past... do these sorts of agencies or departments or divisions of government sponsored places exist and are they effective to surround a lost child with the village of influencers that they require to live healthy lives... and where do the humanitarian folks assist with the real sorts of issues that young children that face these various hurdles to overcome to flourish and be the healthy person that they were born to be... and where do the religious types of folks offer their time and resources to help what some folks call 'under privileged children and adults', i've met some of those folks too that like to invest their efforts to helping folks that need it, is seems that some of those religious types of folks are similar to humanitarians and to government backed social agencies... it seems that those sorts of people and places exist to offer the time and energy and resources to be the village that it takes to raise the children that might have come from another village, the kind of village that didn't quite know what to do to help some of these children... it also seems that none of the people from any of those places are perfect themselves but at their core they should be there to help the sorts of people that need it... i happen to be an imperfect father and appreciate when the village can pitch into help when i get distracted in life or find myself in over my head to the point where i cannot be the dad that my kids need and deserve... i implore parents to take their jobs of raising their children seriously enough that it will put you out of your comfort zone from time to time, i implore parents to take their jobs seriously enough that giving your kids the best parts of yourself become second nature, and i implore the village of people with good hearts to take their jobs seriously enough to be the servants and influencers that every child needs, even someone else's child. -- ct

04-20-21 a little later:  back from annual physical, good news is i'm in good health, lab results were waiting and doctor didn't see any issues, but what's this other thing that you speak of... my blood pressure is elevated, again, for second visit in a row... and even waited awhile to retake while i was there for a bit, to allow me more time to relax a bit... even higher, hmm, thats kind of new to me... new enough to send me home with a souvenir, my very own personal blood pressure 'cuff', is this seriously a thing now, so if the numbers are the same after a month of checking then a new med for that would be required, really, is this really going to be a thing now... is it time to start yoga or something, can i just start running again, i need to research, they sent me home with a small book to read for starters... and a shiny new electronic device to measure bp every couple of days, great... anyway thanks for the ekg, glad my ticker is still firing as it should be, i do feel great and the blood pressure thing is interesting but no actual worries or concerns, bp isn't terribly high, just high enough to pay some attention to it ... do i get one of those smart watches that monitor that sort of thing, i had been considering it, hmm, elevated bp, who knew.  --  ct

04-20-21 a little bit more later: so last time they took my bp was when i had my labs done, and that was only a few weeks ago, so maybe it isn't long term problem, i still honestly think that i had a rather severe 'trigger' by watching the severity of division caused by the overload of manipulative tactics used during the election season which was at the height of the covid types of suffering that was also huge at that same exact time, right... so maybe the blood pressure thing is still me settling back down after getting wound up so much about things that were out of my control... if i don't like a politician i simply vote for a different one, thats the way that its supposed to be, however i fell victim to the unusual severity of the political rhetoric this past election season... i fell victim to the folks that were inciting anyone and everyone that would listen to one sort of nasty thing or another, i know that sort of thing happens every election with federal implications but this year it was beyond the regular sort of nastiness that i had witnessed in years - elections past... if you want a good ego check take notice of the simple manipulation through communication that was utilized by your political rival, get past the 'talking points' and 'assumed negatives' or 'assumed positives', just look at how your lesser preferred political campaign and look at the marketing and psychological and dysfunctional ways that they make your preferred candidate look terrible, and then take the same sort of approach of looking at they way that try to promote themselves... don't they look so cheesy when they try to sell themselves in commercials and speeches and all of those sorts of things... aren't they almost goofy in a way... and don't influencers really like to point out how goofy they look... yeah yeah yeah your following me... well the part where i said 'if you want a good ego check'... if you want a good ego check thats when you realize that your preferred candidate and the influencers backing them do the same stupid cheesy things that your political rival does... the same thing that gets to your nerves when you see someone doing something thats blatantly negative toward your candidate you must know and understand that folks that support your candidate are either doing similar tactics but they might be doing it with lesser or greater effectiveness... marketing genius and effective penetration , those are a couple of simplified things that im thinking of... and the means that folks use and the 'ethical tactics' used to carry out a campaign sort of a thing is what stands out to me these days... when folks are under the mentality that they must win at all costs they will stoop to levels of nastiness that blow my mind... i hate the sort of political season that we just came out of, it was painful in so many levels all why piggybacking off of a nation divided about how to respond to an unexpected germ, and then where did the germ come from, and then do we vaccinate against such germ, and if so which one, and and and, and i won't argue anyone's perspectives about what sorts of things that they observed that really bothered them the most during 2020, or whats still got them riled up from 2020, i won't argue anyone's merits because you are probably correct but my blood pressure cannot handle it at the moment so no arguments from me, but i might not chose to give it the priority that some others might be, im rather enjoying this thing called 'peace', its a new sort of thing for me lately and i'm super really appreciating it finally... , but it also seems to me that im not the only person in usa that was triggered to some degree during the year of 2020, triggering events can shatter a person's ego, triggering events can be crushing to certain degrees and there were a whole bunch of lotta of manipulatively triggering communication utilized during the entire year of 2020 and it wasn't pretty, in fact it sucked liked nobody's business for some people like me and i am stoked beyond measure with this peace that i am presently enjoying, peacefulness seems to be a healthy thing... so whats up with my blood pressure, its already starting to get on my nerves damn it... just kiddin.
... And second, thats pretty messed up... it's pretty messed up that i was going to take a crack at an action and adventure novel at first attempt for earning a little jingle writing... whats messed up is that i was anylizing several effective books and movies and series and came up with a decent formula... because thats what i was planning to do first, i researched and found a good formula, its messed up because that changed 100 percent today and i need to effectively analyze this new possibility, it seems cool and i think i'll like doing it much more but i need to work out some details before i jump in, i think it will be cool and it will speak to multiple generations so that alone is a solid... ive been chomping at the bit waiting to get started but waiting for the inspiration or clear direction and i think it happened and now i just need to sort through some details... i think it could help some people somewhere and it will speak to multiple generations... ive been learning to keep my words and my life more simple and i think that my new writing style will be effective, simple is easy and speaks to multiple generations... i think this is going to be cool now, cool but totally different than what i was expecting to do... yes, it will be cool. -- ct
04-21-21: no one is up - awake yet in the house, i have a small amount of time to write something, anything, but today has a bunch of possibilities but remains an open book, so who knows whats up a bit later today, maybe no more writing at all, maybe just this quick exercise, i'm still a bit tired and numb so i don't have much to say really... i'm happy to report that my cream to sugar ratio was perfectly executed despite my sleepiness, so things are looking up for me as the warm tasty coffee - medicine is gravity fed throughout my core... how awake do i really need to be, how much stimulation through caffeine does my body require to awaken into an acceptable state... i am not responsible for anything other than dropping my wife and son off to their respected job and school, and my immediate responsibilities are over... how much coffee is really required in my morning routine... that's about the extent of my reflection because i hear the others rising from their slumber, it's about to get a bit noisy around here for a while so peace out.  --  ct

04-21-21 later:  i did it/them, i did them all, well most of my morning rituals and routines, i even double-dipped on my consumption of world and federal and even some state level news.. i double-dipped, i have fox news on in the background muted on the flatescreen tv and i even went to the extent of openning a web browser to see what more news i can consume at the same time... my emotional state is based on genetic and environmental and even religious variables and so being the clever and discerning but mostly ignorant and moronic person that i am, well i came to the clever and discerning decision that today my emotional state does not require the typical dose of news that i force upon myself all too often... so i mean to say that i closed my browser, am no longer distracted by the tv, and opened this new browser session to write, it might be that my emotional state requires a bit more writing and not intel/stimuli... today i need to keep to my own business at hand... chores, and working on an outdoor project... and probably more writing, today is a day that i should probably reflecting and writing because this new sort of thing that i have going on, well the nice doctor called it an elevated blood pressure, it seems that today might be one of those days where this new elevated blood pressure thing might do well do stay away from things that bug me but are far from my control, its possible that those sorts of things might be connected, maybe, probably... certainly.
... But we do have some foul weather coming in soon, maybe even hail included with some high winds... crap, high winds, i hope we don't lose power/electricity, man that bugs the crap out of me when we lose electricity, i hate to be inconvenienced sometimes, many times, maybe even most of the time, probably... man i do not want to lose power, but whatever, a person needs to be able to adapt to unexpected inconveniences... unknown variables, those sorts of things are important to consider from time to time... an ill prepared or maybe another person who might be dysfunctional based on environmental and genetic considerations, let's just say that if an ill prepared or otherwise dysfunctional individual experiences unknown variables or unexpected and foreign stimuli or do i say one of life's trials or maybe a hard lesson to learn... when those sorts of things happen to an unsuspecting person those sorts of unexpected events can be huge opportunities to learn more about what life has to offer and about how you might have to mature a bit as an individual... those can be important triggering factors that can also expose/identify your very own personal dysfunctions, but i like to call those defining moments as my own personal 'wake up call' to a big dose of reality that i am not perfect and neither is anyone else that ive ever encountered and that i might possibly have a more narrow perspective of the world than i possibly anticipated, when people finally actually really really really realize that we are not perfect that is an important first step, at least some people smarter than me have suggested as much, some smarter people that me think that the simple fact of learning that you are not perfect is a good important first thing, i think its truly brilliant when we get a hold of that small reality... by the way, it is reality, so you should know that... but when people will bring that small bit of reality and then compare that against the way that we have formed our opinions and perspectives or whatever you would like to call them, when we acknowledge that simple fact that we are not perfect and neither were any of our influencers ever, if you take that other simple and logical fact and then shake them up and stir them around a bit you might start to understand that these learning opportunities or other defining moments in your life are opportunities to see how deep and how wide you have been misinformed by different people of the course of your few or many years and maybe start to realize that you might have to slow down your thought process or lifestyle and give yourself the time and devotion and priority required to help get past your impossible situation or your unexpected inconvenience... these sorts of frustrating and impossible situations could very well be life-changing and character building and thought provoking and hugely educational to some people... but they are also triggering and sometimes snapping and other times breaking points to some other people... if i had all of the infinity stones or could make one wish or will have my prayers answered it might be to help those folks that go through hard times be able to embrace the suck of their current inconvenience, embrace every second that you can devote to getting through those hard times but appreciate them for everything that they are worth, both known and unknown variables, there are plenty of both involved, and all of the time too you know. -- ct


04-21-21 just a bit later: when i use words like 'unfortunate inconveniences' to describe what are sometimes life-defining moments or situations, situations and times in people's lives where a bunch of weird and unexpected things can get piled on top of a person where there are too many things that don't feel right and ive been wrestling with some of these problems for far too long and now the only emotional and psychological and reasonable action left is suicide... i'll tell you there was a bit of those sorts of thoughts that i had experienced during 2020, it was probably worse around the end of september when i was met with another financial roadblock, i was hit with another painful blow and it was something that i was relying on, in fact my immediate family were all relying on it whether they knew it or not... but man you do not want to know how painful a blow that it was, it felt like one problem after another after another and then a different kind of set back after another and after another when it sort of came to a nasty sort of moment/week where the allure and the pull and the temptation to put an end to all of my problems and hope that the family fares well on their own... the temptation is as real and as nasty as one might expect, it feels right, it feels like the only option, it feels like i know better than anyone else because my answer - the suicide answer is the only right answer and everything about it feels so right and yet so painful and yet so incredibly impossible to find any other answer as a solution to why i feel so crappy and i feel terrible about letting other people down, i feel so crappy for letting other people down, and i feel so crappy for letting myself down because i should know better... i should know better because i think i know enough about my problems and how unique they are to me yet i am aware that i am imperfect... my problems clearly demonstrate how imperfect that i am, yet ... yet, yet i forget that in my imperfection there might be a better, maybe a more perfect solution than the solution that has tantalized my emotions over the past little while... if i write using words that might sound like i am being insensitive you might be right, and if i write with words that sound like i am ignorant you are probably correct there as well, and if i write using words that sound over confident you should know that i deal with that sometimes too, and if i write in simple words that speak with some confidence on the subjects that i write about you will know why... you will know why because i am not completely ignorant of the many topics that i write about, some i've learned the hard way and some were taught and learned a bit more easy but if i say that the allure and temptations of suicide is very real i speak with some confidence... another thing that i had learned about suicide is that it proved to be completely illogical, it made sense when the pain and the allure were real but it made no sense when i contemplated the mess that i would probably have caused the folks that i love the most, the only people that i am actually responsible for, it seemed to me that i would probably cause more confusion to those around me and that it's possible that the people around me are not as motivated by money as i was, it seemed to me that despite insurance policies and the help that they would get from others might be adequate to their survival but that they could never really understand the 'why' behind 'why i did what i did', and it seemed like that was the most illogical part of all, the most illogical part was the suffering that i would cause others by simply eliminating myself from the equation, it seemed like one man's solution is another man's mystery in retrospect... why would i chose to write about such things, why don't i just write about more happy things, about more positive things, instead of things that are uncomfortable to listen to or read... those are cool things to write about too, but aren't they only but a sliver of the equation that make up the sum of this simple guy... i believe that there are some very smart and talented and educated people that know how to help other people with complex problems but in my simplicity i say that i am the sum of genetic and environment and religious variables at my core and i cam only write about such things that i have learned about how that complex equation that is made up of many different variables have presented themselves to me at various stages in my life... i'm smart about some things and quite ignorant of a million other things so please don't just take my word for it, please use your mental capacity to search for the right answers to anything that i may have you confused about, and by that i mean that you are a free thinking individual that should learn how to research the things that interest you as well as the things that bother you because they are all a part of the unique individual that you are, and those are the sorts of things that will define who you are either now or someday in the future, it's your own free thinking and the mentor-ship of respectable and trustworthy people that will define who you are now or who you will be in the future, but you should always keep in mind that you are an imperfect person who has been and always be educated by other imperfect people, that sort of thing is important to understand when you are faced with difficulty challenges and decisions... those are the things that the religion variable seems to help with, it seems that the religion variable makes difficult and painful transitions a bit easier to swallow/endure, for my personal religious preference i think it's the promise of my god that if i chose to follow his teachings and example that the 'following' part includes hints like you will also have to suffer at times in your own life and to expect it to happen, and i think that his hint to his followers were Jesus the emotional plea that he had in the garden of gethsemane with the same god that folks say that we all will eventually cry out to, i think that the religious variable that helped me get through some of my most painful times in life were when i recalled the painful yet determined words and prayers between jesus and his dad... i think for me the benefit of the god variable is the demonstration that jesus had showed when he simply spoke to someone that actually cared about him, it was when he spoke to his dad, and to the witnesses that wrote of that experience there seemed to be some peace, some resolve between jesus and his dad/god, to the witnesses that wrote of this one quick period in time, those folks wrote of a peace and a change in demeanor when they saw jesus communicating with his god, it seemed that he understood what was about to happen to him, he didn't really like it a whole lot, he 'prayed' to his god with brutal honesty, and then he was cool with the future after he seemed to get the peace of god's promise... it seemed that when jesus god/dad had given him peace that didn't come with the logic that most people hope for jesus seemed to be ok with the outcome of their communion or conversation... you should know that im not very smart about those sorts of religious things but there are people that are better equipped to explain that gethsemane experience better than me but i think i got most of the big picture there, maybe. -- ct


04-21-21 a bit later than last time: please please PLEASE please please... let that not be snowflakes mixed in with the rain that we just experienced, please let that just be the tender buds or pollen getting smashed out of place by the force of the wind driven rain... please ... it seems too slow to be hailstones so please just be natural tree stuff and not natural snow stuff that i just saw... part of me wants to throw an adult sized hissy fit of epic proportion... i think thats what im trying to convey because i think that those were actual snow flakes this late into spring season... thats sort of what im feeling, i am currently completely out of both novelty and beauty of snow, i live too close to a city that snow is an annoyance of mine, it seems... hmm... i suppose its practical if you require it to track food but other than that i have lost my appreciation for that sort of weather occurance... you can keep it my canadian brothers and sisters in the north, you seem to do much better with it than i do, i'm mostly a cold skinny city boy that doesn't appreciate cold a whole lot... only on some days, maybe on a few occassional days i might appreciate it, but almost never, it's too damn cold... anyway the the weather that we just experienced is only a small band of the front that we are in store for, so as painful as it was to see the snowflakes i think the worse is yet to come...
... when i look at the way that i write and the way that i'm 'saying it in my head' at the same time that im writing and then i go back and read it over a few more times it seems that maybe i am identifying a type of alter ego, or is that really just the way that i think and prefer to communicate... i think that really its just the way that i think, most of the time, i guess it makes sense, in my head i don't 'think it' with an accent but really i feel like im writing/thinking like a Brit, i guess it makes sense, i am half italian and half other things that fall under the blanketing umbrella of the 'UK', if i remember correctly its Irish English and i think even Scottish, or something like that... and i was mostly influenced by that side of my family in my earliest years until my 20s when i stumbled into my dad one day and we began making up for lost time... but i guess it makes sense that i sort of think and write like that because of the simple and direct and straight forward way that my great grandmother on mom's side would speak and communicate to me as a young lad, yes, i used the word lad there as humor... anyway since i remember and appreciated her at a young impressionable age and since my nana/grandma preferred to use simple words like my 'little nana' used... and since they both were pretty darn genetically and environmentally influenced by the same people who invented my primary language, which happens to be the one and only language that i am capable of writing which happens to be the one that im writing in now... English... so i guess it makes sense that when i go back and look at the way that i write and the way that i read those words now it's almost like it has a bit of a brittish accent... probably mostly one of the commoners though, not sounding much like the fancier folks... maybe if anyone ever narrates this crap it might be someone with a little bit of a brittish accent because that is sort of how i am reading this now, not with one of those overly obnoxious one's but maybe just a little bit of one... sorry, too funny, but it makes sense, i am writing in the only language that i know, i have a bunch of free-flowing UK dna inside and out, and i was influenced by benny hill and monty python in my youth, so i guess maybe it makes sense why i am reading it this way, it's not an alter ego its actually me and 'my voice' and thats a bunch of what this lovely month of april has been for me, its about me not writing to anyone else's standards but just writing in the way and with the words and with its many imperfections as the way that i prefer to think, its been about me finding my voice and using it to provide further instruction for my kids (perhaps i have some control issues), and also if anyone else cares to read... my kids have to put up with me but no one else has to, but you are more than willing to whether you like me or not... and i think thats really the simplest form of me saying that i have almost just about sort of have possibly maybe about found my voice and that's what april has been for me. -- ct
04-21-21 a bit more laterer:  i went and did it, i was behaving so nicely today and then i was triggered, it wasn't anything too terrible i don't think but i think i've just ended the multi-day long conversation that i've been having with an uknown individual that is impersonating a relative of mine, they had weaseled their way into one of my favorite people's user accounts and has been impersonating them for days attempting to get me to text some attorney regarding some grant money that i hadn't seemed to hear about before, yes they wanted to invite me to contact a stranger to give them about as much personal information that i might possibly have given to them and i'm sure that most people understand that this sort of thing happens online where people try to figure out clever and creative ways to steal other people's possessions and/or identity... to the young and pure at heart you'd like to think that this sort of thing doesn't happen because why would anyone possibly victimize someone else... and someday that pure of heart might understand that predators come in all shapes and sizes, they can be as big and scary as a killer whale or a grizzly bear or they can be as small as a strain of covid-19, or covid-19.1, or are we are up to version 7.34533.46543.34567655 already, its hard to keep track but nasty things come in all shapes and sizes, no need to be paranoid about big bad wolves but those sorts of things are real you know... anyway, i blew it, i was mostly playing well with others today but then this predator kind of got to my nerves and i was a bit harsh, or maybe just a sort of harshness that i am not particularly proud of, but here are some of the final moments between this total stranger and i, i wish that it didn't bother me so much but it did... and keep in mind that my words were in the blue:
... so at what point do i quit behaving nicely and feel triggered to engage in such hostile rhetoric... how much more patience does a guy extend before i lose it and poke another human in their eye, at what point does it take before i start losing my patience... well this time it's about three days, it was about a 3-day period where i was broken to the point of acting out... where does grace end and then it's about time for unpleasantries ... about fifteen minutes ago.  --  ct
04-21-21 a bit more latererer:  i dont adverterise anywhere and i don't allow for that sort of thing on this website, i'm a bit of a control freak in some respects but every so often i feel inspired to throw out a shout out or to put my money where my mouth is or something in between but today i made the decision to send a few dollars to an organization that ive grown to respect, sending a little bit of jingle to berea.org, im a bit broke at the moment but i'll always find a little bit of something for folks that i appreciate or respect, you all are getting a little something but it certainly won't be a lot of something because reality speaking i can't give you what i'd like but you are still getting something and i actually don't want or expect anything in return, please keep doing what you do folks... and whats wrong with you with all with that deep freeze thing anyhow, its just wrong man... maybe.  --  ct
04-21-21 a bit more laterer than the last couple of times: 80 percent of my family is watching a tv show, well technically i am not participating much, so really 60 percent of us is watching, no, no thats not quite right either... two of us... two of my family members are watching a tv show while another two of us happen to be casual observers of the same tv... well i might unfortunately continue to call it several logical perspectives other than the fact that i feel somewhat subjected to watching a tv show that a couple of very important people to me also happen to be watching but im not digging it nearly as much as those two other folks are, they really like this show, so whats the appeal that i am missing... id be too lazy to not ponder that, when folks that i love really appreciate something that i am unfamiliar with i at least owe them the dignity and respect of giving their 'thing' some fairness and respect of an unbiased opinion, at least as unbiased as i can possibly spare at the moment... even for this show... i am giving it my complete and unbiased perspective, and genuinessesness as i can possibly spare right now... and i am still unimpressed by the entertainment value of their special show... i gave it my fair unbiasednessness opinion and fair judgement, about as much as i am willing to part with and it still sucks... sorry ladies, i tried, but your show sucks... based on my most possiblist unbiasedess opinion that i could give at this particular moment in time... yeah this show sucks, but i still love you all just as much as always... and by the way thank you for loving me back even though i think your crappy show sucks, thank you for still loving an old opinionated crabby old guy when i clearly hate this stupid show... what am i missing about this show... i will figure out the formula, now i have to... im such a dork or whatever when i have to do that sort of thing, but i must. -- ct
04-22-21: happy earth day, i haven't stopped to think about 'earth day' type of stuff for awhile, but if its earth day i suppose i should give it some thought... i am not much a conservationist except when i hunt because the fee for the tags - license go toward keeping special conservation lands free from spoil, i quit littering when i learned that was bad, i dont intentionally dump out or dispose hazardous contaminants when i learned that was bad, i recycle most of the stuff that our town's 'transfer station' will take, but beyond those few things i don't really give it much thought really, but i suppose i am going to have to start thinking a lot more about that sort of stuff... wife and i are planning to relocate after our daughter graduates from american high school in a couple more years, but for us the relocation will also be a lifestyle change, this change will be to live in nature and around nature, earth day kind of stuff, we don't have exact plans yet really but i am convinced that i have been living a lifestyle that isn't good for my genetic make up, once some doctors somewhere can help me figure out exactly what the genetic or environmental root issues for what other doctors call anxiety... once we finally get to that point it will be a glorious day but even so i am convinced that being in such a densely populated area isn't good for me, it's too full of distractions that i cant help but notice, my head is on a swivel entirely too often and i am convinced that i wasn't one of the types of people that might live wonderful lives in and around a city and i think i have missed many opportunities to explore the possibility of living a self-sustaining lifestyle where i am not distracted by things that other folks appreciate, in fact i will simply have to devote by time and efforts to living off of earth day type of stuff... anyway it's my theory and wife and i are willing to put our future money where our theory is and search for a life that really has to appreciate earth day things... my biggest regret is that its taken fifty years to come to that understanding but really it might be the perfect timing... realistically i am an only child of a single parent who is in a nursing home where its expected that she will stay for her remaining days, so there is that, my other parent is quite capable of taking care of themselves and has companionship, my parent in-laws seem to have their futures pretty well planned for and have as much companionship as they will allow so they aren't a huge variable to consider relocating... the youngest of our young children said she'd be up to move after she graduates and another will probably be in the USMC by then and our oldest is working and studying and maybe will still consider relocating with us even though nature is not her kind of thing so much, but realistically with schooling and elder considerations we are thinking a couple two or three years might be about right... until then i have a sh1t-ton of research to do because really im a middle-aged city boy that is chomping on the bit to change what i believe is an unhealthy lifestyle for us as a family and live the way that we want to and are capable of, living from what the earth day stuff provides and living a simple life void of as much ego as i can let go, a life that doesn't say we are supposed to keep living in a busy area because everyone else that we know does... i call myself a city boy because thats where i was born and raised but i got taste of nature from school outtings and friends and some family but it was the US Army that helped an ignorant clueless city boy what real life was like outside from the comforts of city life and a nurturing mom, the army was good and bad for me but one of the best experiences in my lifetime, they helped smash my ignorant ego in a way that eventually gave me the confidence to think about such things, like relocating and living off of the land and such, it also helped that my particular job required such tools as shovels and picks and other things designed to move and work the ground... i think after i left the army i had the the knowledge of how to use some tools to work the ground and if i were to plant gardens full of plastic plants that would have been perfect, the knowledge for caring for real kinds of food producing types of plants have been a long road since then but learning to grow my own medicine has helped tremendously, i finally learned theory not just random instructions, it also helped that i had been self employed the last four or five years and landscaping was involved for awhile too, and i won't lie when i say that the nice folks at places like discovery and the nat geo channels and those types of media producers have been giving my wife and i some pretty good education along our journey and we both are looking forward to whatever the future beholds we are now pretty convinced that the future will have a much simpler lifestyle waiting for us to catch up to it... but for now i gotta go do the dishes and laundry, it doesn't seem as though those things will be eliminated from even a simple lifestyle, but for now i hate those chores, man i hate them.  --  ct

04-22-21 later: i have successfully cleaned a bunch of dishes and have a load of laundry going, thats about as productive as ive been in a day or two, well at least while my life has slowed down enough to realize the importance of daily cleaning maintenance, and how much i hate every second of it... id prefer to be doing something more with a hammer or drill or screwdriver or wrench or shovel or a rifle please and thank you, but for now its mostly dishes and laundry and short periods of driving sorts of chores, those mostly seem to be the thorn in my side so to speak and none of them are overly difficult or time consuming but they have been our family dysfunction for far too long and the reality of why some people hate to do chores hits me in the nose when i try to fit those things in with the other things that we spend far too long on, things which arent even important really in the first place, at least in my eyes... im not your neighbor next door with the lovely landscape and perfectly kept anything really, i prefer not to keep anything perfect really, i consider myself more of what some folks call a 'homesteader' at heart, i think i got caught in some sort of concept that attaining extra wealth was very important somehow, and that finding some sort of balance on how to use extra wealth on the sorts of things that money needs to be spent on and what doesn't need to be spent on and how i want to use that extra wealth instead of how i should use that extra wealth and then some how balancing that extra wealth on this that or the other thing or whether or not that extra wealth exploit my dysfunctions when i started to become a little bit too comfortable and life's necessities can easily turn into your endless desires but a simple amazon click away, maybe, as a worse case scenario, it allowed me to get a little too comfortable with extra wealth, and this isn't an issue for people that might have been better equipped to use their extra wealth wisely but for a child that wasn't educated in that sort of stuff because i wasn't raised by a home that was ever really into that sort of stuff because really the simple apartments and houses that i was raised in never had any sort of wealth to begin with, and i have traveled to neighborhoods and spent time with some nice people from much nicer homes and other nice people that were from much not nicer than the humble environments i was raised in, and i have also traveled to other states and other countries and have spent some time with some other nice people who live in conditions which include insect infestations and no running water and scarce food and then to find some scarce food that is safe enough to eat is another huge obstacle in itself and if their 'village idiot' happens to be of the violent or other deviant types these other nice people cannot keep the village idiot away from their children and if it happens to downpour you can guarantee that everything in their 'homes' will be soaked to saturation points and possibly ruined because their shelters do not have adequate siding or any siding and they may or may not even have a rook or know what a roof is... so when i say that the year 2020 was instrumental in finding out 'why i do what i do' it's because i have begun to understand what sorts of things still motivate me in life, a middle aged man should know this sort of stuff already but it seems that when i lose the sorts of things that i am used to, when i lose the things that have provided me the comfort that my ego had required, when you sometimes hit a crisis mode or have an unplanned disaster or sometimes even a long a drawn out unexpected fast can get a simple guy that was raised in a simple lifestyle to get a good ego check to find the balance of certain wealth's and comforts, i struggle with the wisdom to handle such untaught and unexplained equations so i am putting my future money where my future life and where my current mouth is, and, and that is partly why i write and partly why we want to relocate... because i need to learn the balance of those sorts of things versus the similar sorts of things that are motivators for many people, and many other people who seem dysfunctional in their extra wealth, it seems that im not as motivated by the same sorts of things that i had been just a short while ago, reality is that we do not need as much money to live as we had thought, we just thought that we needed more, and i don't know if there ever would have been enough because i had never learned about those sorts of things coming from humble childhood with not a lot of influencers who knew about wealth, but i earned enough to experience its freedom for short period of time and i had it long enough to do logical sorts of things with it, and then i had it long enough to utilize it on extra comfort and to purchase all of the sorts of new and fancy gadgetry that most of my social contacts had which should have been a warning sign to me that it had begun to expose some of my adulthood dysfunction, the dysfunction of mob-mentality, safety in numbers mentality, peer pressure, trying to fit in and trying to be cool, i think the dysfunction in me it was the reality that i knew that you don't need a lot of fancy things to live my life but when you live spitting distance to your neighbor and everyone is trying to fit in with each other and when people begin to experience new stimuli and are motivated by other things that some people call human nature it becomes a learned behavior of sorts, it seems that possibly my environment or my weakness or my sin nature or my dysfunction was do devote the excess of my former wealth to the sorts of cool things that everyone else seems to spend their excess of wealth on... not the sorts of things that i know that i should have spent my extra wealth on... it doesn't matter that savings are long gone what matters now is how motivated by money am i today, today i am broke and can say that money isn't as important to me as i thought it was maybe ten years ago, i wished that i had considered giving it to folks that needed it more than me or maybe even saving it to get some land to start the next chapter of our lives, who knows but i can tell you without certainty that it took the nasty year of 2020 to help me begin to reflect on things like 'what are life's necessities' versus 'what sorts of comforts can i live without' versus 'why am i living where i am living and doing what i am doing if i can see i don't need the sorts of things that life near a city offers the people that choose to live near those cities', it seems that i had been motivated by the experience and safety of the city, and i had been motivated by the fear of the unknown of the wild and anything other than the safety and routine and the lifestyle of the urban environment, and i had been motivated by the amount of money that it took to actually live in that sort of environment while paying for that lifestyle all on my own... it seems that once someone learns they are motivated by money they can become motivated by the fear of loosing that same money and the same jobs that provide that sort of money... im convinced that there are many known and unknown variables as to why we will be relocating but the fear of not having a lot of money to do so isn't that big of a deal that it might have been a year ago... sometimes when people stop being so busy with their busy lifestyle i can ask myself questions like why do i do what i do, what sorts of ambitions or motivators are tugging at my core or what sort of motivators have kept you in dysfunction too long... there might be a whole lot of hurt behind the answers to those questions if your ego isn't in a good place, it could be that our egos and motivators are keeping us from understanding 'what we should do and how we should do it'... the wild has been calling too long for me.  --  ct

04-22-21 nearing bedtime: what just happened to me, what was that weird thing that just happened, it was quite strange yet incredibly invigorating... you might call it a bit of a religious experience, you might call it an incredibly loud and noisy inconvenience, it might have simply been noise pollution at its foundation but im going to call it something different, im going to call it 'gettin my jam on'... so as i had sifted through the remaining items that i recently removed from my mom's storage unit there was this fancy sound machine of sorts, a decent sound device that's name sounds a lot like hose, there seems to be this fancy sound box that my poverty level single parent had accumulated and it is in a bunch of stuff that i had to remove from the storage thing and after its been sitting around for a few weeks i got that sucker going, i booted up that wonderful sound machine and connected it to my phone and i think i just had an experience that was long overdue, i got my favorite playslist going on this hose sound box and something inside just took over, i was singing out loud and a bunch off-key, and i was moving in strange and peculiar ways, and i was actually doing some chores that i despise, and i was embarrassing myself in front of some of the people that i love the most, and did i mention that it was up annoyingly loud, because it was... but none of that mattered because there were talented people preaching to me through their music that was clearly speaking to my soul as i took on this disgusting and annoying challenge that i call housework... i have to look at my playlist again but it isn't full of a bunch of artists from various backgrounds its all actually just under the genre of country music folks and i need to get a second look at the folks and songs that just got me through an annoying time of dish washing and dirty clothes washing and a bunch of other hideous crap that i was doing in the kitchen a short while ago... whatever just happened to me was fun and good and a bunch of the ingredients necessary for the good time that i just had, thank you for whatever just happened out in my kitchen but it involved a lot of Zac Brown and his words of being stuck in colder weather, and other words from Chris Stapleton regarding taking our chances and rolling the dice, and other music from folks named Deirks and Blake and Mcgraw and Darius and a bunch of other nice talented guys that ive never met before, and hold on, there were some incredible ladies that were just singing about things that ladies think about that blow my simple mind away but tonight i appreciated the therapy and joy that the guys just brought, they brought it, and it was too loud and i had myself a bit of a house party... but whatever just happened out in the kitchen for the past few hours i appreciated and probably needed every second of it, yeah man, i needed that... you've got an incredible taste for noisy devices mama, you nailed this one straight on the head, well done mom.   -- ct

04-23-21: well last night's mini house party turned into last nights difficult sleep and this morning's indigestion... it seems that while i was cooking and cleaning and gettin my jam on in the kitchen i think i ate about twelve of those little breakfast sausages, i was having a great time in the kitchen while i cooked-up some 'breakfast for suppah' and i helped myself to the chef's spoils while doing so, and it had to have been a solid dozen of those frozen delights that i ate while cooking supper for everyone else ... and then i took the rest of the pancake batter after evryone had taken their desired pancakes, and i dumped a bunch of blueberries in it and made myself a slightly smaller version of Uncle Buck's flapjack with blueberries... i didn't eat the whole thing, probably because my stomach was plenty full from the baker's dozen of brown and serve sausages, the regular one's, and we got the big family size bag because i had previously explained to my wife that one or two little boxes of things don't seem to be quite enough for our sized family, so she took me up on my suggestion and got the big family sized bag and i cooked everyone of dem and helped myself to more than my fair share, and so lastnight's sleeping difficulties had nothing to do with melatonin but it had everything to do with an over abundance of breakfast sausages, those little suckers are crazy good... and the blueberry pancake was equally delish.  --  ct

04-24-21: after a more reasonably proportioned dinner and the longest nights sleep that ive had in awhile i woke up good this morning... and i woke up to Tim McGraw reminding the next generation to be humble and kind... and its a nice reminder for me to wake up to on the weekends... but in a way that is what i am doing with this blog thing, i call it continued parenting for my kids but realistically its also to do something similar for my kids which are really the next generation... so thank you tim for helping me make that small yet obvious but still undefined reason of why i write what i write, i think that the continued parenting is also to help with some sorts of parenting things that i have learned that i think are important enough that i want my kids to understand as they get old enough to comprehend but really its to help their whole generation, and my generation, and my parents generation, and my grandparents generation as well, and then also to my future grand children... and anyone else that cares to read about certain types of things that i think were important enough to learn as young as possible but also knowing that there are other relevant generations, there are other generations that also seem to miss the clarity and reasoning of why certain types of things are important to consider, and those are the sorts of things that i have had to learn the hard way, those are the sorts of things that my ignorance and my environment and my genetics and dysfunction would only allow me the opportunity to learn a bit later in life, late enough that they are the sorts of things that hold people back from continuing life in a healthy and positive trajectory... when you learn things the hard way it might be because the learning opportunities that your environment had provided and then stirred up possibly with a certain genetic/intelligensesness, and then if you take that concoction that you have and what might be called certain predispositions and then pour that crap into a blender and blend the crap out of it for a bit, and then pour whatever we are wonderfully made of, that smoothie of uniqueness and ego that many folks just are, its just that we are what we are and thats why we are all equals... but now take that big blender full of unique smoothie and you have to run that unique smoothie through a filter of some sorts, maybe pour it through a funnel and at the end of that funnel is a small little filter bag to help catch the unhealthy ego, or, the crap out of our uniqueness, everyone is unique and everyone craps, so and in another fact you could say that most people are still quite full of crap and we are from the day we are born in most cases we are to the day that we die, so take our predispositions and pour it through an anti-dysfunction filter of sorts that will help you remain your unique self yet at the same time you learn to play nicely with others in a society that allows freedom beyond measure but only within the confines of the amount of dysfunction that the rest of society is willing to tolerate... if you live in the usa you find yourself surrounded by a country with borders and within these borders there are certain laws that govern our lands but our laws do not effect the people that are just beyond our so called borders, if you live in the usa you are obligated to fall under the 'family rules' of what we call our Constitution, and at its core this constitution sets the sort of official freedom by playing nicely with everyone because everyone is equal, at least according to our constitution we are so i have to assume that when i meet other people... but then the usa does these other things too where we set additional official laws stating other things that people that live under a free and equal land should also be aware of and it sort of gives more narrow guidelines that mostly seem to sort of tell everyone about how we should be respecting one another under the boundaries of a free but equal society, maybe like the constitution at its core was awesome but it was a bit too vague so we needed to give further instruction to the folks living in the usa about how it is that we should go about living our daily lives in a land that values freedom but not at the cost of victimizing others, when you victimize others you are going against the other important thing that we value, the concept of everyone being equal, when you chose the option of victimizing others or victimizing other protected things you will probably have to be sifted back through the anti-dysfunction filter that we tried to pour our smoothie through earlier, in fact some people that haven't learned the ways to enjoy more invigorating ways to live their lives in freedom may loose their very freedom themselves for a bit some people forfeit their freedom when they forget to treat others as equals, some folks require a bit of remedial teaching, or more individualized instruction to learn why the laws of our land are more of a safety net to protect society from itself, the laws are not meant to be obstacles that get in anyone's way they are meant to keep folks that think that they are from hurting or victimizing other people or protected things, i havent studied our government back when i was young and should have taken the time to really learn more about it, but i think i sort of explained the moral aspect of our constitution, everything else was terribly crude... but anyways i think that parents and other people that aren't necessarily parents should take the time and responsibility for raising our children or the next generation because it seems that if we do not some other folks will and you have no idea how bad some people's intentions and motives are and the sorts of things that they will teach your kids or anyone else's kids in your absence... i haven't been exposed to too many people that had experienced multiple incarcerations but some of the ones that i have were pretty smart and normal people that just needed the spanking of the justice and corrective institutions to help them understand a few important things that other folks learned when they were a bit younger, and i understand that without solid mentoring and further helpful teaching and instruction or therapies that folks that face incarceration shouldn't be forgotten about and to assume that all environmental and genetic predispositions will automatically change and get better because they did their time... deviants will still not take their remedial corrections time seriously but will use it for a greater level of rebellion and will forever remain society's problem until their end, better to let the pros handle such deviants, their enemies or LEO professionals are better equipped to deal with such deviants, you really want the pros to handle the handful that they might have become... ANYWAYS, it seems that Tim was singing about a few important sorts of things in his song 'humble and kind' but he was singing as beautiful instruction to the next generation and i'm glad that he reminded about the importance of that today as the sound of his voice woke me up, thanks Tim... but also, also one more thing for my kids and future grand kids, one of the parts of his song says to 'visit grandpa every chance that you can, it won't be wasted time, always stay humble and kind', please remember that part of the song too kids, please and thank you.   --  ct

04-24-21 later: maybe the treasured state is calling me: https://www.foxnews.com/politics/montana-governor-signs-bill-to-protect-second-amendment-from-federa... ... anyway it seems that my appreciation for firearms is multi-faceted, its based on several factors and variables... actually no, nope it isn't really, its actually just because our laws allow that sort of thing like gun ownership and then take that into consideration and puree it a bit with my own legit personal experience... i can't speak for the zillions of other reasons of the 'why we like our guns and our laws' that other responsible owners of firearms have the opinions that they do, they just do and i cannot speak for them because i just have my own biased opinion of these sorts of things based on my own ignorant perception... cool, cool, sweet... and anyone that ever reads anything that i have written shouldn't be under the impression that i am an expert or subject matter specialist in anything, i will never claim to be so about anything, in this subject matter i have a couple of obscure awards or certifications type of things that might suggest otherwise to a degree but hear me out please for a second because the subject of firearms is a bit touchy for me because i understand completely one hundred percent without a shadow of a doubt i can say that i understand how powerful and devastating firearms can be, they are effective tools to do many things with but at their core they are tools, they are simple mechanical devices... but when i say that i am not a subject matter in firearms you should know that and when i say that even though i have witnessed the destructive force that they can yield and the playful plinking in a backyard and a few other useful sorts of things that you can do with certain guns but i speak with a bit of wisdom based on several known and many ignorantly unknown variables but here are just a few of my reasons as to why i think that guns are tools... And there is one more thing to consider as you read my words/opinions, you should know that the year 2020 was rather crappy for me, it was a year which brought an ego balancing season like you can't imagine, and in this season that i am still undergoing i find myself asking lots of new questions that i never bothered to ask myself before, maybe just indirectly did so, but when i find myself asking why i have a bit of passion about this subject, and why i feel the way that i feel and why was the crushing year of 2020 an overall good experience for me you should be aware of another matter that i've never felt particularly comfortable talking about, yet now all of a sudden i feel that i can write about it, and write about it with a clarity that i never really could before, and its one that is still particularly painful to still think about from time to time... so here goes. .. A young city-suburb boy joins the army a few awesome months after graduating high school, and when i say that i graduated high school i mean that i barley passed, i had a predominantly C-D average for my first three years and then was alerted at the beginning of my senior year that i would not have enough points to graduate this year with the rest of my class, well, unless a couple of other things happened... i would have to take two additional high point classes on top of the regular sorts of required classes... and, and even then it wouldn't be enough points to graduate unless i managed to take a four credit college course and pass it too, so i did all of those in order to be able to graduate high school so i could go on to join the military, was my motivating mindset... my senior year in high school was pretty cool and weird for me, socially speaking i had some of the best group of influencers in my life at that point and had a fun year in many respects, i also realized that i was a little smarter than i had been giving myself credit for, and i also began to realize how rebellious i was to authority and so you could say that i started to grow up a bit more in my senior year of high school, however it doesn't mean that i was without further dysfunction and other types of rebellious behaviors, those things get dealt with the longer you live it seems, maybe, but once i made a commitment to join the full time army upon graduating there wasn't anything that was going to stop me from the training that was in my destiny, even a crummy extra creative-writing high school class that year or the 101 psych class that i took at the local community college... i had to take them on saturday and sunday mornings that senior year... do you know how hard an intro to anything is early on weekend mornings when your social priorities include regular alcohol consumption, i eventually learned that those sorts of things don't mix well together... prioritizing socialization rather than education when it now has to be paid for... right... good. So anyhow after i somehow graduated high school and had about the three most fun years of my life i began basic training in a state tucked into the middle of the country, and weird state that i had never been to, and had about the shlttiest winter road march that i would ever come to know, man it sucked... and then there was the AIT job-specific training too with the same nice group of drill sergeants that about never stopped yelling at us it seemed, but the cadre were a bit nicer it seemed... and then after that training there was this jumping out of planes training, i wanted it to be a part of my regular job but it ended up just being training in the long term, it was fun but difficult training but it was just more training before i was assigned to be stationed at what might have been one of the most beautiful army bases that i had visited, and at the time it was home to the unit that i would spend most of my short military career with... my intention isn't to write a whole lot about that lovely place at the moment but let me set this picture for you... you spend about six months of drill sergeants or black hats yelling and screaming at you while teaching you lots of important things, constant yelling and screaming and then some teaching in between is sort of how i remembered it, and there was some physical exhaustion mixed in too, i can't forget about that aspect, as fit as i was already they always had a way to break you past muscle exhaustion, about all the damn time too.... anyway the picture to paint is six months of noisy teaching tactics and then you wake up in the state that is literally the color red, and you wake up at 7:am on your own not by having noisy people yelling at you, and then you realize that there is actually humanity within the military when the nice young lady in uniform actually welcomed me in a nice way and simply informed me where the dining facility was and that they were serving steak and eggs this morning and to make sure to meet right over there for formation at 9:am... and then you go outside and you take in the mountains that separate the middle of the state, you can't help but to take in the beauty of those mountains that john denver sang about, you cant help but notice, and then you notice that it's only march or april and the grass is already green and lush and near perfect and that it s a bit chilly but you realize that you are not in training anymore, i realized what 'garrison life' would be like, and i realized that i was in an incredibly beautiful place to learn of this new garrison life.... And thats about the only thing that i want to mention about fort whatever its called now, or going to be called now, whatever, right... but then fast forward to about near the end of my short military career, i stayed in good shape but always hated to run in the damn thin-ass air, it seemed like they needed a big dose of oxygen going all of the time out there, but i got a bunch more training over the years by all sorts of cool and awesome and fun people that i will never forget, here's one little tip about the military that folks hadn't experienced it for themselves, it seems that they teach this sort of individual but equal philosophy, you would never know it by the chain of command and with certain other people yelling and screaming at you but most of the leaders understand that everyone is unique but to have all of those unique and talented people being on the same team it means that some ignorant people learn that they now have to start treating all of their team mates equally respected and the higher ranking one's just a little bit more, basic training is about knocking the unbalanced ego out of everyone and weeding out the people that cannot or will not play nicely with others as well as weeding out the folks whose bodies cannot take the demands of an exceptionally physical job... they teach you lots of interesting things about your new job as well as yourself, and others, and how to rely on each other as equals but utilizing the individual gifts and strengths of the most important teammates that you might ever be working alongside, maybe think of it sort of like that... anyway that was a little hint about the military that lots of folks might not know about it if they haven't experienced it for themselves... but then later on there is this mostly boring and long-suffering garrison life, full of boringness and then some training mixed in too, and then some small training 'deployments' that were good and actually kind of fun to brake-up garrison life, but they still sucked with reports and clean-up and maintenance, that part sucked, the rest was cool even when it wasn't, and the reality of a job in the military is that it is hard work that isn't meant to be fun, that's the reality, right, right... there is something about the phrase embracing the suck that should be realized and appreciated... you should understand that i have a son that has committed to joining the USMC a few months after he graduates soon, and so i have been thinking a lot about military sort of stuff lately. So i tried a different job than my original training and that didn't work out as expected, and it bothered me a lot, and while training for that other job i had a met a young woman and that relationship didn't work out as i had expected and it hurt me a lot, and the trajectory of my military career had begun to take a downward trend where i began to be more distracted by other things than my job and so when near the end of my short military career when i had enough reoccurring injuries than my body was used to i decided to get out and pursue greener pastures, sort of... but this other weird thing happened first.... first there was this thing that had been brewing in a desert on the other side of the world and God knows that i had what i considered to be entirely too much desert training and somehow i ended up in that other desert around the world and experienced my one and only real actual deployment instead of all of the deployments to training locations that i was accustomed to, it was about as dusty and miserable as my previous training had prepared me for but the Mojave didn't have an evil dictator calling the shots or shooting real bullets at me... but all in all my one and only real deployment that really counted was much easier than i had anticipated, there hadn't been one of those war things in quite a while and i didn't know what to expect but i had expected to die or to fight my hardest to keep from dying, i had expected that it was going to be much worse than what i had actually experienced. i had one of those jobs that required me to be on a battle field and sometimes in the line of fire although no one had fired any real shots at me since basic training and another rowdy night that im still a bit foggy about... but then of all places in a wartime deployment where i had been preparing for a quick mission that required about a shit-ton of military type of explosives, in the moments leading up to that mission that i was so looking forward to there was a bit of a distraction... i was getting jolted around the back of a big dump truck that was filled with exactly one cubic sh1t-ton of explosives and a guy or two or three or more began shooting real life bullets at the folks that were also in the back of the truck with me explosives when out of nowhere this knucklehead starts shooting at us... semi-auto fire from an AK-47 or whatever he was using sounded more like pop-corn at first when you figure the sound of the noisy truck but when you see the stream of daylight shining through the side of your dusty canvas covering shining through like a laser you realize that the popcorn isnt popcorn its actually real bullets now.... then the rest that happened seemed like it was in one second, but it was probably within about five to ten seconds but i remember thinking 'Ahhhh F-no, I'm the alpha here and no one shoots at me and my brothers' so i popped out of the backflap of the truck and tried to return fire, the stupid gun didn't work when i pulled the trigger the first time, it was supposed to bang bang bang really quick but instead it just clicked, it was suppose to bang bang bang but it clicked instead, forward assist didn't work so i ejected a couple of rounds manually and tried again and it behaved the next time, fortunately, or not... whether or not the riffle working was a fortunate thing or not still remains to be seen but i've been thinking about it off and on for thirty years or so... and whether or not the riffle worked was irrelevant because the Apache helicopter that set off a few rockets at the same folks that i was shooting at probably did what i was trying to do but only better... i know that the first shooter that i could see tipped over when i shot back at him, and i'm pretty sure that the second person beside him also dropped when i fired at him too, and what i think was a third person may have taken a hit or two also but we never stopped to look and i didn't like the initial smile that i displayed when i realized that my shots were on target... i smiled when i showed them that i was the alpha and they were just a bunch of knuckleheads and F-you you bunch of dummies... and shortly after that smile, and the mission had gotten canceled, i began to have second thoughts about whether or not a smile was warranted for taking another life, or two or three, and eventually i wondered how much those folks were really knuckleheads or not or folks under the control of a dictator and maybe they were just trying to protect their land, maybe time will tell... i have struggled with what i did and what i saw when i did it for thirty years but never really knew for sure if i hit those guys, i'm pretty sure that i did, and when the guys coming back from another war twenty years later talked about this pink looking cloud and the mist of blood that can happen when someone gets hit in certain areas thats what got me thinking about those few seconds again, i aimed center mass on a small stationary target while hanging out of a big dump truck and im pretty sure that after a terrible couple bursts of three round fire i'm pretty darn sure that i hit the first target in the side of his head and that was the pink cloud, and the remaining three round bursts seems like they may have hit the other person or two that were right near him, im pretty darn almost kind of pretty darn certain of what i saw but then as i struggled with those thoughts recently the reality that even if i didn't hit any of those guys that day the Apache probably would have done it anyway, and then it got me thinking that maybe i didn't hit any of those targets that particular day, maybe something else happened to them but maybe the fact that i pulled the trigger in the first place might be what really bothers... i was well trained to do a job that i chose to do and when it came time to do certain aspects of that job i responded as i suppose to in that situation but that situation still seems to bother me some-days... the handful of people that i had shared this sort of thing with mostly understood that it was an emotionally conflicting sort of thing that just happened to happen, i chose not to tell the army about it and returned every round that they issued me at the start of my deployment, except for the thirty rounds from my missing magazine, they got all of the rest of those rounds like they should have and i never gave them the benefit of the truth, sometimes i wonder how different my life may have been if i were just honest from the start instead of trying to deal with it my own way, i wonder if things would have been different when i visited with the nice counselor lady at the VA all of those years ago, i wonder if things would have made more sense to me all of those years later when i still give time to that rather unfortunate experience all of those years ago... probably, maybe... but now i'm going bowling with my family for a bit, c ya. -- ct


04-25-21: bowling was fun, we were overdue for a fun night...im not quite sure if bowling was a good thing or a bad thing for my back, i forgot how badly my back was hurting early yesterday, i had forgotten that when i agreed to go bowling lastnight and we bowled and it was fun and now im not sure if my back is happy with me or not, im cautiously cautious right now but hopefully my body will straighten out and joints will get lubed again once i start moving around, right now im chillin with my tea and put on tv and nat geo wild has unlikely animal friends on, these folks nursed a tiny little pink thing that was orphaned and didn't know it was a squirrel until a few weeks later, now the little sucker is a full grown bushy thing and a part of their family and tears around their house playing with the two dogs and other critters they have at their house, too funny... ok tv off and pick up on yesterdays blog because its important to me, but to some folks this sort of thing with life and death is easier to deal with than to some other folks, and some folks that may have grown up hunting and fishing the reality of life and death is easier to contemplate, maybe... and then again maybe if you have grown up in a sort of city where everyday or very often violence and homicide is kind of normal and its pretty regular to see some folks act retaliate or fight or revenge or payback or whatever its all about its all sort of pretty normal and you know certain things about people using weapons or tools or knives or guns or homemade things used to injure or kill other people, so maybe you might be more equipped to deal with the reality of life and death than some other folks maybe... or maybe you are an emergency worker or healthcare professional that witnesses the reality of life and death all too often so maybe these sorts of life and death things are easier to comprehend and contemplate than to some other folks, maybe... but what does the city boy that thought that bugs were things that just had to be kept out of the house, in the house they die, outta the house they will all probably kill you somehow so make sure they dont nest near us or anything... so i say that to explain that i learned how to kill most pests by the time i joined the army... and then fishing was a way of life for a bit too before i joined the army so i got pretty good at humanely harvesting my share of fish too... but other than bugs and pests and fish that was about it really, i think, ive also had more than my fare share of beers and booze and too many experiments between then and now to clearly remember every detail but i'm a solid on the no other killing details, but then at the end of my short career i make a few harder than average shots to mitigate a threat while i was simply doing my job, the job that i signed up to do and took an oath that i still respect to some degree today but i did all of that stuff because i wanted to do it, i chose to do it... so a huge influencer in my life at the time who was also a platoon member of mine who also happens to be a brother of mine who also happens to be mexican by appearance and half of his genetics, well that guy was more of a country boy than a city boy so he taught me things about living a life in the foothills of the rockies and harvesting wood for fuel and harvesting game for food and some of the sorts of skills involved in doing so, and to me a bunch of it made sense based on army training and some of my previous experiences being in the real outdoors, we hunted once or twice and so i learned a little bit about hunting and removing the life from a large elk, i learned a little bit about knowing that you made the shot but not being able to find the huge beast for a week or so later when he took the dogs out to find the bloated body of that huge animal, to say that it still feels a bit disappointing to this day is an understatement on some occasions, it would have fed a bunch of people, my mexican italian friend and his exceedingly patient wife were hospitable like you wouldnt imagine so they would have spread the wealth so to speak... so through that experience a city boy learned that every life is precious and its quite easy to remove the life of something but its important to know why you are doing it and that you have to do what you have to do to put food on the table sometimes, i learned how to hunt with a shotgun, how to stalk game and how to be patient to make sure that you take the best appropriate shot, and unfortunately i learned that a huge bull elk can run a lot further than you might imagine after taking a twelve gauge slug behind his shoulder, i learned that too and that was one of the things in life that i had to learned the hard-way... so at what point in my stories or equation would be the oddity that i would knowingly use a gun or anything else for that matter to take the life of another living animal but then feel regretful for doing so, it makes sense that if you try to kill something that you probably will do so even when its a new experience, it seems that most shooting experiences are the same, you point the gun (or bow) you pull the trigger you kill the critter, so when its that simple why does it become difficult for a city boy to come to grips with the reality that i took a few shots when i felt under pressure and i hit my target or a couple, what part of that is never being able to go back to see if i really hit those guys (or the elk), what part of that is not being able to see with my own eyes what im pretty darn sure happened, so no tangible proof, unfinished business perhaps, but then where does the humanity or religion factor come into play knowing that humans are created equal and that violence against another human is pretty much forbidden in most religious teachings and philosophies, and then there is this other underlying reality that i contemplate which is that there are some folks that have a sort of 'calling' if you will, there are some folks and im pretty sure now that its just taken me a bit longer than a lot of others, i think there are some people that have a calling to serve and to protect and it doesn't matter what type of officer or agency or branch of service or department or village or farm or school or whatever but some folks have a sheep-dog or shepherd mentality and they aren't afraid to do the dirty work that might be required to stop the sorts of people that are clearly stepping out of line to the degree that they require an epic sized spanking, sort of. it seems that when i had been put in that very strange situation that was unprobable to begin with, that training and maybe this sheep-dog thing kicked in and i did what i was supossed to do in that circumstance, i don't know why that was so hard to understand at that point in my life and for many years after but the struggle is real from time to time, but i think the thing that sort of hit me more recently and might be the only reason that i feel free to write about it now was maybe a god variable thing, i think it was one of those things that i cant explain and so i say that im pretty sure that it was god, the thing or thought that had recently occurred that enabled me to write yesterday and today is that i didn't have to see any dead anything to know if i hit them or not but for me the struggle was that just for the simple fact that i pulled the trigger was the struggle, the struggle for me was understanding more about violence and violent behavior and why and when it seems appropriate and why and when it doesn't, and maybe for the simple fact that their are violent deviants in and around society and the world that might only and possibly be stopped by the violent actions of non-deviants, i think that was the biggest struggle for me, the struggle of not being honest to begin with with the folks in the army that wanted to know if we shot at or killed anyone, those were simply lies that i can't take back but they were, and then maybe i shouldn't have tried to squirt around the subject for so many years to the people who could have helped me sort some of this stuff out after that weird day of mine all of those years ago, i got awfully good at acting and trying to use logic and words at their simplest terms to squirt around those subjects... that was so stupid of me... i am probably thinking about these sorts of things now because i have a loved one that plans to train with the Marines in the near future, so maybe thats sort of why this is coming up now, these are important types of things to pass to the next generation you know.... people are waking so im putting my keyboard down for a bit, i think. -- ct

04-25-21 later: everyone has been up for many hours now and the weather is damp with a little rain from time to time, no one has been overly motivated to do much of anything but we are chipping away at some useful chores but mostly just chillaxin, my back seems to be ok as ive been up and moving and didnt have to take any nsaids but still medicating with canna a bit so there is that factor, but today hasnt been stressful and no anxious sorts of symptoms and the home is quiet and peaceful and so am i, our needs are being met but we are kept on edge and i like that, there are many things that i find that i am not so much motivated by anymore and money is one of them, so being on edge might be the best possible place for me, you might be able to tell that by the fact that this website is actually a small business, technically i am a web publisher, and technically my words are the only contents to this website/business, and if you look into my business model you might understand what i mean when i say that i am not as motivated by money as i used to be and the fact that i don't encourage support of more than a dollar you might understand what i mean, in some respect being motivated by things that i didn't have growing up as a child and then maybe doing whatever genetic and environmental factors allowed me to find the path of least resistance to achieve those sorts of things might be a crude way of saying that i think i know why i did what i did at some points of my life but right now being on edge is the best place for me, its seems to be the best place possible for me individually because i have had experiences with an abundance and some unfortunate times spent off of the edge of having our needs met, and yet they always were, there were times of discomfort and pain and a sense of no way out even, but yet food water and shelter were provided and sometimes all three of those things together and sometimes not even if only for a short-while, needs have always been met even when i was too distracted by other uncomfortable matters to loose the fact that i didnt know how to ask for help because i didn't know what the real problems were or who to ask for help but eventually stubbornness turns into survival reality which is that all i need to survive for a shortwhile is food water and shelter and they don't always have to happen harmoniously / at the same time either, thats just reality, the degree that my ego is willing to put up with discomfort for a period of time is just human survival at its core... ive been abstaining from some other things that i simply call comforts now because i understand how they are motivators to a degree but they aren't so important for today... today its important for me to finish telling my little story about why i feel a bit passionate about firearm possession, and safety, and ability for a guy like me to be able to purchase them, and why firearm safety and education is important because those are the sorts of things that ignorant people die over everyday all over the world, today its just important for me to finish this thought while i am becoming more aware of why i feel the way that i feel, but first nature is calling and the restroom is only 20 feet away...

04-25-21 a little bit later: much better thank you, so part of the reason that i enjoy firearms and the ability for me to keep the ones of my preference are based on my experience and learned behavior, the army trained me to utilize an m-sixteen model a-one pretty well and let me experience the modification of the a-two model for a short while in the deserts of the middle east... and after my experience with the a-two model i didn't want to touch another firearm for quite a long time after my ets date, i wanted nothing to do with any of them thank you very much... and then maybe fifteen years later or so one of my buddies with a history in the coast guard purchased his first firearm and he is a guy thats a brother really so it got me thinking about the possibility of getting one of my own, maybe, and then i did and i went to a local store that sold those sorts of things and i purchased a used glock model seventeen and was privileged to have the size of backyard that i could shoot that austrian piece of magnificence, shooting that g17 made me realize that i had stopped doing one of the most fun aspects of mt short military career, i had forgotten how damn fun they really were when i wasn't trying to kill people with them, i had forgotten about how fun they were and i didnt have the exposure to them that people that might not have been born in a suburb/city sort of place or the folks that didn't have any exposure to them much beyond policing or soldiering sorts of people, i never had the exposure to hunting for practicality and shooting cans off of things o event making the the cans dance around on the ground, i never knew about those sorts of things that folks that were born in the country might use them for, i was born a city biy, what did i know about guns other than my limited education and experience, i certainly didn't know about the sorts of things that country folks use their firearms for... not until a bit after that awesome yet ugly glock seventeen and the joy that it seemed to bring back into my life after i had discovered the reality that guns are just tools, they are multi-function tools which are the coolest of all tools in my eyes, and once i learned that i could build my own sort of m sixteen sort of thing but one that was different enough that civilians were allowed to buy them and use them too... it didn't take long before i learned what legal things to do and how to do them and i began building my own a r fifteens for a n=bunch of years now, not mass scale just as a hobbyist and veteran and someone that appreciates the simplicity of that wonderful riffle, i like to build and shoot and then run out of money and need to sell to a gun store or other person that i know is a legal gun owner too, so i buy them and have the time to appreciate them a bit and then sell them again and after the course of so many years of appreciating and building them i have just about the kit that i want to so the sorts of things that i think would be required to harvest game and plink at cans and keep some skills sharp and protect my family and country all at the same time, its not a whole lot of guns either, its a couple of ar fifteens but with multiple upper receivers and appropriate magazines and appropriate bullet things for each of those upper receivers and then i can use that milti-tool on the homestead that is in my future... i don't really think that president biden and his admin will take away that current legal right of mine but i write about it because maybe it interferes with my plans and my rights, maybe... but then there is this whole other aspect to firearm purchasing that ive written about before so in some respects maybe i shouldn't be flapping my opinion around too much but this is a new year for me, this is 2021 and i am unashamed. there is a huge amount of therapy involved when some veterans get to shoot riffles and things again, there is an art or therapy or hobbyist thing that goes on when i build a new a r and so far its all been legal while i have been experiencing such therapeutic qualities to gun ownership. -- ct
04-26-21 way too early in the morning: aren't i supposed to be asleep... yep, is the issue environmental or genetic or religious, i dont know but i wished i were asleep maybe, right about now. yesterdays writings were terrible but rushed in a sense, i need to finish working through this stuptid issue about shooting a couple of combatant enemies and then never working c, just the facts as i can articulate them to the best of my ability to completely think through the issue, the sh1tty thing about open wounds or things of the past or disturbing things that haven't been fully realized is that the time immediately after the events occurred is the best time to deal with such events even if your mind hasnt fully processed the sh!tty event that just happened to you, it seems that i have a history of dealing with troubling or confusing issues a bit more slowly than most people and if i have the clear-headed mindset that i am currently enjoying i might try to analyze a troubling event without the cloudiness of my emotions and feelings and then maybe think that i dont have the patience or intellectual or the right words to describe what i think just happened, i might instead use words that describe how i am feeling about the whole weird thing, i might not use words that actually describe the trauma or event instead i might be limited in describing the event in the nonsensical language of my ego... i might describe an event or an occurrence or confusing situation within the confines of my current state of being, if i am cold tired and or hungry or intoxicated or injured my words to describe a situation might sound more emotional or overwhelming, if i have a little time to maybe can hydrated and my blood-sugar on par and maybe have a bit of sleep i am much more likely to be able to describe my side of a story, when i can take my ego out of the picture i can more accurately describe troubling events in words that most people will understand... i think that this is an issue where some folks that either need a good ego-check or folks that are real deviants begin to make bad situations worse, if i were intoxicated with alcohol or anything else for that matter and then i do something illegal while under those intoxicating things, and if i got caught by the police or anyone else for that matter will i just stop what i am doing and comply with the police, or will i continue to resist like a spoiled little child in need of a good spanking, or will i obey law enforcement and maybe sober up or get a little nap or both or get the food and water that i desperately require, or will i keep thinking that my rotten behavior is somehow justified and i deserve the thing that i was victimizing someone else over, will i continue to resist the requirements of law and society or will i act out like an overgrown strong-willed child and continue to resist to growing up like everyone else did... if i am a career criminal i will resist until i get a bone-hurting wake-up call, perhaps... anyway it seems that in some respects i choose the path of the stubborn child or the career criminal, i need to learn some things in life the hard way because i have been too stubborn or too egotistical to change and conform in ways that i need to... if my stubbornness requires me to fall outside of the current laws of society i might be missing something that everyone else seems to get, they get it but i dont, what am i missing that everyone else seems to get, what am i being stubborn about and why do i seem to be ignorant of in my stubbornness and the thing that i seem to be missing... it seems that there are genetic or environmental factors or maybe even religious factors that i have not fully considered which help me in my ignorance, i wish i knew what those factors were when i can't seem to compute all of the variables and i become overwhelmed and especially those times where there is a perceived trauma, i wish i knew all of the variables, the known and the unknown variables at those points in my life and maybe if there were just one little variable that i didn't understand maybe i would seek help from someone that i can respect and hopefully that person can help me figure out that last missing variable to help me understand the big picture... i seem to do much better in life when i can understand the big picture of a situation or an obstacle, otherwise i might resort to childish words and actions and over-reactions to unplanned stimuli, i think thats sort of how it works, maybe... my apologies if my writings over the past few days are a bit rushed and not very thorough or might ramble or sound like nonsense, but its all been very beneficial to me, its helped me to get things out that i have been keeping tucked away in the back of my head for entirely too long and when i get excited about things it comes out the way that it all came out over the past few days, sorry if it doesn't all seem to make much sense to you but its been brilliant to/for me... maybe i can fall back asleep for a couple more hours now? this is actually what i needed to do to write what i think is going to be first real publication, i think that the publication is far from what i had been planning on and its actually going to be much more personal than i wanted it to be but it makes sense, and i think there was this and maybe a few other things still that might need to be churned-up or addressed, i don't know really, but i think i can start writing my project now because i think i know what it is and how to do it, and now that i know that its going to be more personal than i expected it makes sense that i wasn't ready to begin until pains from the past are resurfaced and addressed appropriately... it makes sense now. -- ct


04-26-21 later: i fell back asleep for a tiny bit but then had to go to an unplanned dr. visit for a loved one, all seems to be well though, and now i am enjoying the kids school vacation week...

04-26-21 much later: im having a bit of difficulty with an outline for a project, i begin and then it changes, too many levels and variables too quick, im too distracted, today was out of the ordinary but house is quiet now and everyone is down for the night... really each chapter is a whole book and so do i condense and make more poetic maybe, or do i give each chapter the research and time devotion that i think they might need, or is there something better in between, or is it all three of those or an unknown something, im not sure right now so i'll just be disciplined and spit out what i can right now... really i'm just not being patient but feel compelled to write right now, so im doing it here and not in my external document where i should be doing it... anyway, as long as im writing something everyday or so i feel like im doing what i should for now, and im feeling a $hit-ton better in many respects, more writing means less distractions, more writing means less time doing things that bother me too much, so its all good... anyway i think i officially started my project and its coming out crummy but now im feeling a bit more warmed-up so maybe i go back and spend more time on project now... and now people seem to think that they should be keeping daily track of my bp, they seem to be more bothered about it than i am but im trusting that since they are professionals they know a bit more about things than i do, but really its probably because i told them about all of the meds that i have weened from and then take that into consideration that i have shown a few higher than preferred bp levels and they are probably doing me a solid, so whatever, canna seems to help in some respects but it is not adequate for all of my symptoms but i have not added supplemental cbd, i am ready to try that on its own next but one of the Dr's that i wrote a bit about a few months back had made a very convincing live presentation on why my type of situation would be best to utilize a 10:1 or a 10:2 ration of both thc and cbd but i am following back up to give that a shot now, i wish i had heard about or even met this lady years ago, her name is Dr Dani Gordon, here is a link to a 29 min video that has got me doing a bit more research on these sorts of things now... but really i just need to get to root problems of medical crap, is it genetic or environmental or religious or some sort of combo of them all, or maybe some of this and a dash of that, really i may never know but the specialist that one of my kids saw today gave us some good insight that i can research more now that i have been motivated to do so, this sort of thing with our lungs that i need to look more into, it was my kids appointment but i got just as much benefit as they did i think... anyway, back to project. -- ct
04-27-21:  so i don't really know how long or short my project is going to be, there are many aspects to publications that i have read where my intellectual limitations and distractions kept me fully understanding every aspect of what the author or contributing authors were attempting to had actually communicated to their audience, sometimes i just have to put the book down for a bit because i can't get into it, or maybe i never pick it back up again because i found it too challenging to understand and wasn't interested in what they were writing any damn way, or maybe something like that... but other times writers that are clearly more gifted or talented or smarter than i am understand how to use this weird language and their understanding and their perceptions of others and a worthy education to speak to me in simple ways that even i can understand, and they make something that i have been completely ignorant of and they know how to get my attention and know how to communicate to most normal people and even some other people like me, and so they communicate with words and other environmental and genetic and even religious predispositions and actually teach me something that i may have been completely ignorant about, i want to tell you that there are many things that i am completely ignorant about and so when i have time i appreciate reading the writings of people that i don't appreciate yet for one matter or another... sometimes some other people that i frankly don't like speak to me in simple ways that even i can understand and i really appreciate people that know how to write to big dummies like me, especially when they don't try to assume too much about my intellectual capacity and education, those are my kind of folks, they might even be non judgemental type of folks, and maybe they are even forgiving as well, maybe... Anyhow i lost a bunch of writing while typing away it seems, no big deal for now, but good news that i wrote over earlier was that i busted out a pretty solid chapter one sort of thing last night, i shut out all distractions and then i was able to sort of let it flow for a bit and i like it so far, i have tendencies to begin projects even when i haven't fully figured it all out a head of time, and so this new project seems pretty typical for me.  I'm trying to balance out a poetic to logic ratio, the poetic can be based on environmental factors where the logic is more genetically influenced, and somewhere smooshed in there together is religion and then what i call a balance of ego... if you throw those sorts of things together in a blender you will end up with something like my first chapter, sort of.... this is a sample:

My breathing seems very strange now, it seems like I need to learn how to do that differently now… OK, I think I’ve figured that out now, but I still feel quite strange. In fact everything feels strange now, I was used to wet and warm and now I feel quite different. Which one is you? Which one of you is the one whose voice that I've heard so much? Is it you, the one holding me now? You have no idea how much I’ve been waiting to meet you… but I still feel strange… it seems that I had been feeding and breathing by that big thing on my belly but that seems to be gone now… do you know where it went? And do you know how I am supposed to drink now, it seems like I will have to learn how to do that differently too?  Well this is nice, it’s different but nice… but I thought that my mouth was just for the warm wet fluid, but that seems to be all gone now too, but this is nice. It also feels strange to be embraced by hands and bosom, before it was all warm and wet and snuggled tightly about, but now I am learning that your hands and bosom are different too, but nice… it seems that is something else that is different too. Before I tried so hard to stretch out and to really move around and I couldn’t, I couldn’t no matter how much I tried, but that is different now too. Now it seems that I can move in lots of strange ways that I couldn’t before and that is nice, it’s different but nice. It seems that lot’s of things, maybe even everything is much different now, it all seems nice but it’s all so different… it feels so different that I have to tell you all about it, but for now I am content to figure out how to use my mouth this new way, and to have hands holding me, and to hear that familiar voice more clearly than ever before… this day feels pretty good, it feels traumatic yet good all at the same time, I think I sort of like this strange day, I hope to remember this day.


... anyway if it's your birthday today i hope its filled with the simple joy of feeling like a child again, God Bless. --  ct
04-26-21 wicked early: middle of the night, woke up after just a few hours of sleep, got up for a bit, laid back down to try to sleep and couldn't, turn on TV and watched running wild with Bear Grylls, i love that show.  I watched two different 'celebrities' and i appreciated both of them for many different reasons but i think i found a brother from a different mother, maybe a soul-mate kind of dude... can you guess who he is, maybe if you took a look at the folks that are on season six and take a look at the celebrities that are on and see if you can find the one that i can sort of 'self-identify with', is it based on looks, if so, which one do i look the most like... i give you one hint, i look nothing like him, at all, not one bit... in fact he has a much larger frame than i do, he even played a little pro football, in fact our skin tone is about as opposite as they get, yet why would i appreciate a person that i never met who looks so different than me and has such a different lifestyle... you would probably have to watch the whole episode and understand me quite well to really get it but Terry Crews, season six, episode two or three.  It seems that some of his childhood hurdles to overcome included an abusive and alcoholic father, and from a young age he wanted to grow big and strong to be able to protect his mom and his siblings against his own dad, and so he did.  He is married to a longtime college sweetheart, she forgave him when he cheated and he had realized he was wrong and asked for forgiveness, they have children together and here is what made me wake up and really listen to Terry, there were a few things really, but when bear asked about his kids i think terry revealed more of his true heart, terry said something like this 'i tell them all of the time 'know your value, you are no better than anybody else, and you are not one ounce less than anybody else'...every problem that i've ever had was because i thought i was worse than somebody and i developed an insecurity... Or, i thought i was better than someone and i developed a superiority, but once you know you are equal its balance" ... brilliantly said brother, please continue to use your platforms to share your wisdom.  --  ct
04-29-21: g'mornin:  Decent night sleep again after a couple of crappy nights, i needed that.  i didn't take the bait and listen to president biden's speech to a nearly empty chamber of congress last night, seems like after reading most of it this morning i already knew about 90% of it, i just wasn't exactly sure how he was going to try to sell it.  i didn't take in any commentary from fox news either, i already knew about 80% of what i would read, i just didn't know who or how they were going to rebut or spin it... but their article about the uncle tim thing 'trending' is what made me want to read the full speech and then Scott's rebuttal/remarks, i didn't know he would be the gop's guy for that... i respect/appreciate Tim Scott a bunch, and i hope that something more than some @ssholes on the left trying to incite hate and division by calling him a racial slur... i mean to say that i hope liberals and gop haters actually listened to mr scott, and not just the hatred spewing instigators on the left... i kind of hope that happens too.  so it seems that i am getting pulled into politics again because of perceptions and opinions of how our country is changing... i don't get paid to monitor that crap, so i'm not falling for it today... after all, ive got this bp thing going on... i should have measured it before i read anything this morning and then again after going to CNNs website to download their version of bidens speech 'with annotations and fact-checked' according to them, and then again when i also downloaded their interpretation of Tim Scotts 'fact-checked' rebuttal... i believe there would have been an increase in bp during those 20 min or so... i keep thinking of this sort of political garbage and i balance that against the fact that the credible media outlets that we watch are anchored and written and produced by a large portion of lawyers that know how to poke at people enough to try to get them to brake, i can be pretty good at that too, i used to be called a wise-ass for many reasons, i can push your buttons very quick, the health of the ego on the receiving end is the determining factor of how long and how emotional of a response that i can trigger by me simply being a wise-ass, it seems that some lawyers and media professionals are so good at it that they can get a rise in blood pressure out of me from time to time too... i don't think im going to take any more bait today, today i don't think that i need to involve myself in anything that i cannot control... i can vote when its time to, and i can voice my pleasure for my candidates of choice and i can write about the sleazy manipulative tactics used by opposition... but other than that i do not need to waste my time today on things that i know tend to upset me... there is a guy that i appreciate, he is a recording artist, Micheal Card, and one of his songs uses the phrase 'under the sun, it was all vanity of vanities', and he sings it with his unique style (usually acoustic folk style) and his unique voice and it speaks to me sometimes when i feel the bp rising, his words minster to me... that guy can sing and seems to have a decent ability to take words of ancient texts and make them understandable and pleasant, and you can sort of hear god's words and heart sing... 'i scream and cry and wonder why you never seem to learn...', anyway i appreciate his words today, i think i needed that... today is still kids school vacation week dang-it, and i'm not going to get worked-up over politicking, but i should go wake them up now... peace out.   --  ct

04-29-21 later: chillin in the living room with youngest daughter, shes doing something on her phone and im sort of watching another episode of Bear Grylls, this one has Rainn Wilson... Rainn isn't like some of the more fit type of celebrities that Bear takes out into the wild, Rainn is a pretty neat guy when you listen to him away from his comfort zone. i love how Bear takes people away from their natural settings into the wild, and then when he pushes them outside of their comfort level, he has a decent litmus to see how far he can push them... and then when he gets folks to confront their fears he seems to have good way of telling everyone in some form or another to 'dont panic, you can do this, let me show you how together'. i love any kind of survival type of show so i like it for that aspect... i have military experience and have enjoyed some of the same things that Bear gets his guests to do, so i like it from that point... i get a little bit of a kick seeing folks confront rational and irrational fears and their reactions, everybody has some sort of a reaction when they are pushed out of their comfort zone or when they have to face a fear and that seems to interest me, sometimes you can tell a lot about a person when you see how they react or over-react to fear or displeasure, sometimes you can see what types of manipulation methods they are good at, actors are incredible at that, but it can also tell you a lot about the state of their ego if they are willing to listen to sound counsel from an expert or let their fears continue to be an obstacle. bear pushed rainn way out of his comfort zone a bunch of times but rain did a good job displaying his ability to meet a challenge for what its worth and pushed himself to do some things that some folks think are difficult... he rocked it... well done mr. wilson, you made your family proud of your efforts and i certainly appreciate you in a few different ways now.   i had no idea about his upbringing, i can relate to folks that were brought up poor so to speak, but really the fact that he just lost his dad only a few months before this filming and was willing and able to speak from his heart about their relationship on camera, he wasn't afraid to get teary a bit on tv... so one of the other reasons that i like what bear does on his show is that his guests allow him to poke at some personal issues that also puts them outside of their comfort zone, and thats when you get to see some of the transparency of some celebrity type folks that normally their ego, image, and agents might not always appreciate, but bear gets some great guests and this season is a good one. bear got rainn to eat some trout sushi and a raw fish eyeball too, and a squirming grub, but he really pushed him with rappelling and similar rigging and rainn wasnt too happy about any of it but he pushed himself and im pretty sure that he left with an experience of a lifetime, well done Rainn Wilson and Bear Grylls, oh and all of the other production crew or whatever the folks that arent on the camera are called, i guess their are a bunch of those sorts of folks too.

I'm purposely trying not to open news on web or tv today, the news hasn't done much for me the last couple of days but to know what the weather is supposed to do. i was one of those sorts of kids that was raised on television, first public broadcast on black and white TVs, then color tv on paid cable tv, now you can get live tv on a wireless phone... but television helped raise me and its been a tumultuous relationship since i was in diapers and it hard to break sometimes, on a wet day like this it makes the tv all the more appealing, just not the news today... if you ever wonder why i reference entertainment as much as i do it might be due to my relationship with television and culture since i was a little one and still spend too much time in front of one, thats probably why i do lots of things that i do, and why i write lots of things that i write...right? -- ct

04-29-21 a little later: what if the bulk of my health issues are just an over-reaction to unpleasant circumstances and situations, what if my natural reaction to unexpected and/or unpleasant situations/environment causes long-term unpleasant health conditions, maybe there are natural over-reactions to foreign stimuli causes symptoms such as: allergies-my body naturally over-reacting to things that simply bother my immune or auto-immune system, its a way that my body reacts to certain environmental factors that do not bug most other people, so i have some allergies, many seem to have 'outgrown' as i got older, and some newer ones as i did get older, so allergies ... and what if my body's natural reaction to cold water, or over-reaction to cold environments and especially cold water cause me to tense up and difficult to relax, and when i anticipate how miserable an unpleasant cold--or cold water--experience is about to be it makes it all the worse when i finally enter into those types of situations, so i anticipate a known unpleasant environment and my body's natural instinct is tense up and making the whole situation all the worse, so i have a natural tendency to over-react to what may have been an unpleasant experience in the past but i might be able to deal with better now, if there are most people that have some tendencies and some other people do not have those tendencies then how much of those 'natural tendencies' can be modified by controlled exposures, like some allergy shots, and some vaccines, and peer pressure from an experienced buddy, and priceless education from mentors or positive influences, and maybe even some good military or specialized training... as i watch what Bear Grylls does with his outdoor adventures is that he brings all of his education and experiences including some military type of stuff, he brings all of that sort of stuff that he is confident in his abilities and he shows his guests how to overcome many natural tendencies and reactions or over-reactions to situations that might be considered unpleasant at first, but he is an expert in a bunch of different things so he knows how to safely help people overcome the fear or over-reaction to foreign stimuli, how much of actual anxiety is fear of unknown or unexpected situations or experiences... i know that there have been many smart and many not smart enough experts that have conducted some humane and some not so humane experiments to come up with answers to my questions, and i know that i do not wish to be a participant in a double-blind random controlled blah blah blah trial to help not so smart people ever get to the bottom of my questions but if there are ever any smart people that know the answers to my questions would you please do a guy a favor and send me a note in the Comments and Criticism form bellow, it seems that no one has ever helped me to connect all of the dots, even the obvious ones, but i really appreciate all of the help that my healthcare professionals are doing or trying to do for me, it seems that i am too busy with other priorities to look into such things myself right now, until that day happens i always appreciate prayer support, im a bit more confident in its outcomes... but sometimes they also come with as much side effects as a bad drug though, but maybe im wrong... i am wrong about too many things in life. -- ct

04-30-21: last day of april, this was the most fruitful month so far in getting some thoughts out that had been lingering around for awhile. I'm not used to writing because i want to, im used to writing because employment required it, so april has been about really finding my voice, and what i mean by that in this case is writing in a way that is more like my thinking process to a degree and not allowing for much filtering to massage my words to suit the task at hand or to write to a particular audience to manipulate a desired outcome, thats sort of what i mean. if i know who the core demographic or a target audience is i can write what i think is required for those particular readers/reader to understand what my goal is and to solicit a positive response/outcome but when that becomes a way of like and you have to communicate to so many different types of people and personalities it can become an annoying bit of a chore to be transparent enough with yourself to just simply write or speak with as much genuineness and transparency required to just simply be you and not what you think others are expecting you to write, or say... for me it may have taken a combination of an ego crushing year of 2020 and a huge change in medications that i had been relying on and off for the last 10 or so years, maybe even a bit longer actually, anyhow it took of a bit of a shake-up to stop communicating that way, it took a good shake up to write the way that is me being me and not having to impress anyone, or convince anyone, or sell something, or this that or the other thing, it took a good shake up and then another three or four months or so to finally find my writing voice so to speak, just me being me, so simple yet it was so hard to get here... it might not sound like a big thing but to someone who is sort of betting our future on the fact that i will be writing as a profession, again and sort of... anyhow april has been awesome, and my apologies if readers find my blog strangely worded or hard to understand many times, because it is, it about as randomized as i could be during this past month, which can be very good to analyze for therapeutic reasons as well as being a good exercise for me and my new found career change, its a good exercise to just keep writing anything daily for many people for many reasons but for me its about being disciplined for future's sake, sort of... there are other good reasons for someone who wishes to write to do so and in my particular case its a great exercise for self editing or to just get better... for instance, i use tons of these sorts of 'things' like using "maybe, sort of, probably, possibly, perhaps, usually, occasionally, sometimes" i do that quite a bit when i either do not want to make the effort to further explain theory or other relevant information, its a sort of lazy way to wrap up or transition, it's an effective way to communicate if i am not writing as academia or scientist or to a body of professional peers or anyone that requires a higher degree of education, it seems that many times (see how i just did that again) i forfeit the respect of smart people by using these sorts of things as more of a way to be lazy to the professional while also communicating more clearly to the the non-professional... is seems that i am not a professional anything really so i don't feel the need to write like a professional, i don't have to because that's not me, i am a simple guy really... but sometimes i will continue to dig down to several layers with multiple variables to write in ways that i understand but don't really care for, but i don't like it, thats probably why i write more effectively in this sort of creative writing and non professional demeanor... because its me, it's my way of writing because it's my voice. it seems that with the amount of readers that these crude website statistics that there might be more people than me that don't mind reading this simple form of communicating. Anyhow, im glad that i started my next writing project and that i feel much more comfortable with this writing style, its probably the sort of thing that people that write in journals or diaries don't have to even contemplate but its all sort of new for me... its been a good april in many regards but finding my voice has been a goal and a journey and i appreciate it for all its been worth... april's showers will help yield a crop at harvest so its all been good. -- ct

04-30-21 later: i just posted this to facebook, in some respects this is a mini version of the overall picture of why i do what i do, what are my motivators:

I’m starting another writing project soon, but I think it will sort of boil down to something like this:

I need to put together an actual list of solid influencers in my life, and what I learned from them, and what I really appreciated about them, and what about them that was less than perfect as well as their giftings, in other words how they were an example of being a regular ol’ human yet they still influenced me in good ways that still impact me today. It sounds like a logical thing for some people, and a stupid thing to other people, and maybe even an impossible thing to some other people… but everyone sort of has that mental checklist of people that they sort of like or appreciate or love or respect and why they like or love that person… and then maybe take it a step further down the road perhaps when you can put together the same sort of list of other people, the negative influencers that you notice, the folks that you do not like, or you might even hate, or you find curious and amusing as well, and then write down the similar things like, what is about them that I don’t like or hate or is weird, and then do the other part to where you might view them as your equal too, and then try to list some sort of good qualities too maybe… but anyway the new project will expand on things like that eventually, but for now maybe you could help me a bit with this project to get it started, just start with the positive influencers of your life… maybe start with that simple list, and what was cool about them, and what wasn’t cool about them too… and then maybe view that positive influencer as your equal for a moment, when you do that you might be able to understand other things about them that wasn’t so cool, or what was totally awesome about them… and once you view those positive influencers through the lens or filter of being your equal then do one more quick step for me please, next simply write down other things about those same positive influencers, things that some people call their ‘character’, or their ‘kindness’ or their ‘true talents’ or their ‘moral code’ … those sorts of things, can you do that quickly for me please, maybe just give a quick example of a positive influencer, how you might be related to them or know them or how you listen to them or view them somehow, you can even tag them in this post if you want, and what is special about them, even if they aren’t perfect in some respects you know that they are decent or cool or smart or talented or brilliant and they are actually your equal too so also add what it really is that makes them special, can you reply below please with one or two or even many examples of such people, go ahead, just try to do that for one person if you can… so now it’s your turn to write. Thanks for help and assistance with my new project. -- ct


... if you read this from this blog post and want to take part please too use the 'Comments - Criticism' form below to enter your contribution to my project, every bit of feedback is important and encouraged you know.  --  ct

04-31-21 a little later:  my two kids that are both in high school liked my chapter one structure for my other current project... so they both take writing classes at high school and the older child takes creative writing currently, so i asked them if they knew what you call the type of writing used in the opening paragraph and they didn't know but they like it and understood it, good... so i look up allegory on web and found a good article that explained it pretty well, and then compared them to parables and the article referenced the parable of the good samaritan and they stated that it was a parable about generosity, they completely failed to understand that jesus of nazareth was using the parable to speak to equality and compassion... a few other things too, and maybe a little bit about generosity too perhaps... so whatever... good luck in understanding anything else that the bible has to offer, apparently it's too simple or too difficult for some folks to comprehend the simple stories and teachings of a simple man that lived a long time ago... is it really that hard to comprehend? or must you have eyes to see and ears to hear the story within the story? i don't know but some smart people do somewhere... anyway i think i understand the bigger picture now with my project and yet i want to take the label of allegory away from it, but it is what it is i suppose... or maybe i start with an allegory and transition straight into a parable, whatevs.  --  ct

04-30-21 a bit more later:  going on a quick date with wife, we are going to watch a theatrical performance which includes some friends, or the off-spring of old friends, or young new old friends or something like that... but i'm looking forward to seeing some old friends again, and watching one of their kids do his thing, i'm looking forward to my immediate future... heading out to date now.  --  ct


UPDATE: 05-01-21: the show was great last night, it was good to see old friends again, and one of the children/grand-child put on a great performance in a brilliant 'play'... last night was cool and a great way to close out april.  April has been good to me, its been difficult in many respects but it's been a great month overall... thank you april 2021, we shared but a spell of time together yet you are forever written in my heart and published on this crummy blog website thing ... thank you april.  --  ct
Comments - Criticism